Category: The Opposite Of Shocked

SHOCKING: Taylor Swift’s 4th Of July Pics Were Probably Taken By A Professional Photographer

July 6, 2016 / Posted by:

If you found yourself looking at any one of Taylor Swift’s totally natural and not-at-all staged shots from her recent friend-filled 4th of July party and wondered who the hell was taking the pictures, you’re not alone. I assumed the person behind the camera was a squad member who was put there by Taylor as a form of punishment for wearing their hair in a ponytail two days in a row. But apparently that’s not so.

The Daily Mail decided to get to the bottom of this very important mystery, and they’ve discovered that the person taking Taylor’s too-perfect pictures is – wait for it – a professional photographer! That loud whooshing sound you just heard was the entire population of the earth gasping in complete shock. Taylor Swift? Manipulating the media? She would never!

The Daily Mail got out their magnifying glasses and took a closer look at those pictures of Taylor frolicking in the ocean with a truly-not-loving-himself Tom Hiddleston and her friends over the weekend, and they spotted a guy following them around with a professional camera. Not in a creepy “Is that guy following us?” way, either. He appeared to be with them. Then, back at Taylor’s giant million-dollar dream house the next day, another photographer was seen talking to Taylor before she began her next round of posing.

The Daily Mail has photos of the photographers. In case you can’t identify someone with a huge expensive camera as a professional photographer, they’ve circled them all Where’s Waldo? style. I’m sure all of those pictures are being printed out and put into a folder marked “PROOF” by the conspiracy theorists who believe Taylor and Tom’s relationship is nothing but an elaborate music video.

Are we honestly that surprised that Taylor Swift would hire professional photographers to document her famous friend hang-outs? Frankly, I’d be more surprised if she didn’t. You can’t get that crystal-clear catalogue realness with a basic iPhone camera. “Gosh darn it, Gigi – the resolution is so low, you can barely tell that I’m holding hands with Karlie. Like, how else are people supposed to know we’re best friends? Take it again.

Pic: Instagram

Heidi Fleiss’ Little Book Of Clients Has Been Exposed!!!!!! (Maybe)

June 2, 2016 / Posted by:

In news that’d turn your world upside down if the year was 1993 (it still wouldn’t), Radar claims they have gotten a hold of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss’ little red Gucci planner from over 20 years ago and in it are the names of some of the rich dudes who may have leased high-class coochie from her back in the day. Okay, Radar didn’t exactly get a hold of it. They say they saw pages from it through various sources. So that means that either their sources took pictures of it or Radar has the power to possess a source’s body. It’s definitely the second one.

One of the sources tell Radar when the full list of names and the kinky shit they’re into comes out, it’s going to send a shock of wave “SANTO DIOS!” through the planet. The world as we know it will never be the same again!

“It is beyond shocking! When the full list of these names get around, it’s going to cause a sensation — as well as the beginning of the end for many a celebrity’s career!”

If you’re at work, you should get some duct tape and tape down your clothes to your body, because reading this shocking list of names will cause your pants to rip off of you and that will just be embarrassing. Radar also wants to make it clear that just because these names were in Heidi’s book, doesn’t mean they used her poon-renting services.  I’m not going to include Charlie Sheen’s name, because DUH. Get ready to fall out of yourself:

Johnny Depp!
Billy Idol!
Robert Shapiro!
George Lucas!
Nicolas Cage!
Sean Penn!
Robert Evans!
Jack Nicholson!
Mick Jagger!
Hugh Hefner!
An 80s’ Brat Packer who loved to suck on sweaty toes!

I know, Johnny Depp, Hugh Hefner and Sean Penn’s reputations have been as pristine as a virgin unicorn’s vagine up until this point. Finding out that they paid for a hooker decades ago will definitely destroy them. RIP their careers! But really, what I want to see is the notes of what these johns were into. Like, did George Lucas make his hooker wear a Chewbacca mask (that Chewbacca mom video is his porn)? Did Nicolas Cage make his hooker peg him with an Ice Age era dildo that was found in a cave in Germany and sold at auction for $650,000? No, I bet Nicolas Cage is into some really kinky S&M shit like making his hooker cuddle with him while watching Ghost Rider.

Pics: Wenn.com 

Kristin Cavallari’s Homemade Goat Milk Baby Formula Probably Isn’t A Great Idea

March 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week, while hustling the future Barnes & Noble clearance table hit Balancing in Heels, we learned that MTV employee-turned-chemical truther Kristin Cavallari chose to skip the typical baby formula and feed her babies a homemade formula made from goat’s milk. The reason she chose to do that was because her kids couldn’t handle cow milk, and soy milk is – according to Kristin – “usually genetically modified.” People.com was so excited about Kristin’s discovery, that they decided to post the recipe for her homemade goat milk baby slurry on their website. Unfortunately, promoting dubious diet advice from a reality TV star anti-vaxxer came back to bite them in the ass. Whoever would have guessed that would happen?

According to a blog called Friendly Atheist on Patheos (via Today), People deleted Kristin’s recipe from their site because several doctors came forward and slapped at them for publishing it. Professional medical sources, like the American Academy of Pediatrics and the US Department of Agriculture, don’t recommend that children under 12 months drink goat milk (or cow milk or soy milk) because it doesn’t provide enough nutrients.

Dr. Ruth Lawrence, a professor of pediatrics, obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Rochester Medical Center, told the Today show that she seconds what the AAP said. She adds that giving your kid a homemade formula like Kristin’s goat’s milk could result in nutritional deficiencies and “all sorts of problems“, like anemia, kidney problems, and something called metabolic acidosis. When asked for comment, Kristin replied: “Metabolic acidosis? Never heard of that one. Is that a type of GMO?

I’m sure there’s many people screaming “DUH!” at the news that Kristin Cavallari doesn’t know what she’s talking about. But it’s still probably a good thing that a couple of people who went to medical school for this sort of thing called her out. And don’t say there’s no one dumb enough to believe what Kristin Cavallari says. I once believed a friend who told me I could get a full day’s worth of vitamins and nutrients from a McDonald’s 6-piece nugget combo. So yeah, they’re out there.

Here’s more of Kristin signing copies of Balancing in Heels at a Barnes & Noble yesterday with what I’m sure is a totally organic non-toxic chemical-free vegetable ink-based marker.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Difficult Brown Bailed On An Atlanta Pride Event Because There Were Gay Dudes There

September 8, 2015 / Posted by:

You’ll never believe this, but it was Pride in Atlanta last week and at one of the events, gay dudes showed up. I know, it’s like going to Coachella and seeing chicks in flower crowns and coochie cutters rolling on Molly. CRAZY!

Melissa Scott, a party promoter who is co-founder of the entertainment group Traxx Girls, tells Georgia Voice that Chris Brown was booked to make an appearance at a lesbian Pride party over the weekend. Fisty was supposed to introduce Teyana Taylor, who is currently on tour with him. The Traxx Girls put the sore on humanity’s right labia lip on their flyer and used his name to promote the event. On the night of the event, The Difficult Brown supposedly showed up to the venue, but refused to enter, because he found out that gay dudes were inside. Well, at least we know that gay dudes are Chris Brown’s kryptonite and if we never want him to leave the house again, we should just line his front yard with nothing but gays. I’ll gladly volunteer.

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Fist Brown Might Have Struck Again For The 5,671st Time

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Remember when I said that being a father to a human child could make Chris Brown retire his punching fist and convince him to stop being an itchy, oozing wart inside of humanity’s urethra? Well,  I may have wasted precious keystrokes on that sentence, because Fist Brown is apparently terrorizing the world again.

TMZ says that at around 3:42 this morning, the Difficult Brown was playing a pick-up game of basketball at his suite in the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. (I know that there’s a basketball court in one of the suites at the Palms, because humanized wax lion figurine Adrienne Maloof, who is part owner, took the other Housewives there during an episode of The Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills.) At some point during the game, Chris got into a fight of words with one of the other guys, and I guess he was jealous of Mayweather and Pacquiao getting to have all the punching fun this weekend, because he allegedly fisted the other dude in the face. The guy who Chris allegedly punched hasn’t been named, but does anyone know if the shirtless basketball hoop dude from Seattle somehow made his way to Las Vegas?

The cops showed up, but Chris refused to talk to them. The Las Vegas PD tells TMZ that Fist Brown can either sign a citation for misdemeanor battery and show his face at a hearing in court or he can wait until the D.A.’s office decides to press charges against him or not. The good news for Chris is that this isn’t a violation of his probation, because he’s not on probation anymore.

Chris Brown’s rep has already spit aat this story. His rep tells Gossip Cop that Chris never hit anyone.

“[Chris Brown] has a suite at the hotel that has a basketball court and invited friends to come play. An unruly individual showed up uninvited and was removed from the premises. Chris was not in an altercation with this person.”

I think what his rep wanted to say is, “This story is obviously a huge, shitty lie. I mean, the trick accusing Chris Brown of punching him is a guy. Would Chris Brown really hit a guy? Think about it!

Dane Cook Has Boned Hundreds Of Groupies, So Says Dane Cook

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Pfft, amateur slut!” – Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost

The John Mayer of comedians and the huge movie star that never was, Dane Cook, was on Watch What Happens Live last night and that shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen played one of those games he plays to get famous types to spill shit about themselves or other famous types. During the game, called Cheese Dane-ish, Andy asked the forever frat boy a question and if Dane refused to spit out an answer, CNN’s Candy Crowley had to fill his mouth with cheese. Since Dane answered every question, he never got a shot of cheese to the mouth, so every groupie who has sucked him off can’t say, “Now he knows how we feel!”

Anyway, Andy asked Dane who the most overrated comedian is and it took him a few seconds before he queefed out, “Gallagher.” Dane’s worst screen kiss was with Kate Hudson because she ate onions beforehand. Typical of Dane to put it on Kate. It wasn’t Kate who stank like onions. It was Dane and it wasn’t from eating onions. Andy’s third question for Dane was about working with his ex-piece Jessica Simpson on Employee of the Month. Andy asked,  “What was the dumbest thing she said on set?” Dane’s answer, “She said one day, ‘Are we making a movie?’

And for the fourth question, Andy asked the human Summer’s Eve bottle how many groupie chochas have been touched by his Cook cock. His answer is a shock to no one:

“In my younger days, I would say, a few hundred.”

That number seems low, honestly. Back in the Golden Age of Dane Cook, college girls were tingling their clits off over him and he probably couldn’t open his mouth without a tongue going in.

You know, since we’re talking about Dane Cook and sex…. Dane looks like the kind of dude you’d have to hold your breath while making out with because he stinks like barf and beer. He’s probably the kind who burps during oral (giving and getting), farts when he cums and keeps his socks on the whole time.

With that being said, yes, yes I would.

Here’s the clip of Dane on WWHL last night. I see he traded in “fucking groupies” for “fucking his face with Botox needles.

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