When the words “Jennifer Garner Tells All” popped up on my Twitter timeline, I nearly popped the popcorn and poured myself a big glass of the sweet nectar, because I was ready for her to fill my head with all sorts of juiciness, like how she went Sydney Bristow on Ben Affleck and The Nanny after she caught them fucking on the kitchen counter. But Jennifer Garner has a reputation as Hollywood’s most wholesome mom to uphold, so she didn’t go there. BOO! She does, however, manage to throw a sweet Southern burn at Ben Affleck’s Choose Your Own Adventure back tattoo.
In her interview with Vanity Fair, Jennifer comes off as gracious and she never says anything like, “Fuck Ben Affleck!” I mean, they still go on vacation together. But she does say that Ben is ~complicated~ and when he’s warm, you can bake your skin on him, but when he’s cold, he makes you feel like Nicole Kidman getting an ice water enema. She also pretty much confirms that Ben and The Nanny had something going on. I’ve heard Jennifer Garner talk about how much she loves Ben’s brain before and she does it in this interview too. She says that he’s always the most brilliant person in the room. She didn’t go on to say, “if nobody else is in the room.” There’s a bunch of quotes after the cut including my favorite burn about his Ed Hardy back tattoo of horrors:
On this week’s cover of People, they say that Jennifer Garner is living inside of an Avril Lavigne song, because her world is all ~CoMpLiCaTed~. They say that Jennifer Garner is spending a whole lot of time with her ex Ben Affleck even though they’re not together like that anymore. Case in point: They’re currently on a ski vacation with Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen. I’m sure they all probably laughed and laughed about the time that Tom Brady had to get a doctor to meet them at the airport after The Nanny got one of his Super Bowl rings stuck up Ben Affleck’s b-hole during some ass play on a private jet.*
That’s an “All I had to do was give Ben my pink box!” smile if I ever saw one. Every time I see Christine Ouzounian’s name, I want to shout “Opa!” and take a shot prior to my big fat wedding. Page Six claims that 2015’s breakout homewrecker is reportedly looking for television deals to lengthen her ill-gotten fame. Is there a more American story, I ask you? This one is driving around Santa Monica in her Lexus convertible (which may be a hush-mobile), flipping her hair, and sipping wine al fresco by the hotel pool. That’s the damn life. Where do I sign up to be a nanny? Do you have to actually interact with the children?
“The word in LA is that Christine is looking for an agent and wants a TV deal, on something like ‘The Bachelorette’ or ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ She knows she most likely can’t go back to nannying — who in LA would hire her now to take care of their kids? So she’s going to use the spotlight to build a showbiz career.”
The sad part is that you could totally see her on both those shows. The funny part is “she most likely can’t go back to nannying.” HAH! Ya think? I’m assuming the agency stamped “husband fucker” across her file in blood red.
Ouzounian is also said to still be considering opening her shameless hussy hole (the one on top) for a tell-all TV or magazine interview. Unfortunately for “The Nanny,” signing a non-disclosure agreement is standard for your typical Hollywood nanny before she gets to wiping asses. If she did, Bennifer 2: The Final Chapter could bring her ass to court. Although courtroom dramz is probably what she wants.
This trick better watch her ass. Jennifer Garner was Sydney Bristow. Did you see the Alias season 2 finale when she fought her friend’s lookalike in one of the best TV fight scenes of all time? She was flipping off walls and shooting people! Keep the motor running on that Lexus, honey.
Check out more pics of Christine Ouzouian in the gallery below.