It’s appropriate Blake Shelton’s initials are BS, because that’s what this news is. Unless you’re a Mountain Dew-chuggin’ twing-twang fan of the jolly jean-wearing giant, in which case BS stands for britches soaked. According to Gossip Cop, People will be name Gwen Stefani’s boyfriend as 2017’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Gossip Cop says they’ve got it on good authority (aka Blake Shelton’s publicist got their phone number) that he will take the title from last year’s Sexiest Man Alive The Rock. People will announce their Sexiest Man tomorrow before the issue is released Wednesday. I’m sure this honor has nothing to do with the fact that Blake released his eleventh album, Texoma Shore, last week. Or the fact that he’s right in the middle of the 13th season of The Voice. It’s just because he’s the sexiest! An honor that I’m sure is calculated by the time it takes a horny 55 year old to mention how hunky his buns look in tight jeans.
2017 feels like a year-long prank pulled by a very bored Satan, so we shouldn’t be surprised that one of Trump’s possibly closeted fanboys would be named People’s Sexiest Man Alive. If he’s not too busy tweeting about how fat his enemies are on Wednesday, maybe Trump will congratulate Blake Shelton on his very sexy award. And the benefit to the rest of us is the knowledge that such a thing that will no doubt make uptight homophobe Mike Pence extremely uncomfortable around his boss for at least a week.
You may have already checked the fuck out of this post after reading “Miley Cyrus Has Serious Thoughts.” You’re smart in wanting to preserve your remaining brain cells.
During an interview with Variety, Miley Cyrus was asked why she thinks gender inequality in Hollywood still exists, and her answer led to her brain burping up a little rant the name Supergirl. SPOILER ALERT: Miley doesn’t like it.
And this is not the way to start a Sunday. Shit, this is not the way to start or finish any day.
On the cover of today’s Sunday People is a picture of Nigella Lawson getting strangled by her art mogul-type husband Charles Saatchi on the patio of a restaurant in London. The Mirror also pictures of Nigella looking confused and sad as Charles chokes her neck. This isn’t some public Fifty Shades of Grey shit either. Other people who saw Charles abusing Nigella said she looked scared and was crying. And I guess everybody’s cell phone service was out and everybody’s legs were temporarily paralyzed, because nobody did shit.
The pictures were taken at Scott’s in Mayfair, Charles and Nigella’s favorite restaurant. The Mirror says that they always sit on the patio because Charles likes to smoke while eating. I guess things were okay during their meal, but after they finished eating they got into an argument and Charles got violent. A couple sitting next to them, who again did nothing, said Charles yelled at Nigella and choked her around four times. Nigella tried to calm her husband down and even kissed him, but it didn’t work. After the fight, he smoked a cig before he got up and left the restaurant as she cried by herself at the table. An onlooker, who AGAIN did shit, said:
“It was utterly shocking to watch. I have no doubt she was scared. It was horrific, really. She was very tearful and was constantly dabbing her eyes. Nigella was very, very upset. She had a real look of fear on her face. No man should do that to a woman. She raised her voice and got angry but at the same time was trying to calm him down, almost like you would try to calm down a child.
“he kiss was a strange thing. He was being intimidating, threatening. And yet she kissed him. She appeared to be a woman who loves him but was clearly unable to stop him being abusive, frightening and disrespectful to her. He looked guilty. It was clear he knew he’d done something wrong. He was menacing, there’s no question. She had been abused and humiliated in public.”
Nigella eventually got up and left the restaurant too. Charles was waiting for Nigella in a car outside of the restaurant and she got in before they drove home together.
The Telegraph says that Scotland Yard has seen the pictures and they’re currently investigating. The Daily Mail has pictures from this morning of Nigella leaving her house with suitcases just a few hours after the pictures came out.
The Mirror also says that Charles has pretty much always been known as a throbbing anus wart. Charles is mad that Nigella is more successful than him and he has publicly said that he’s not really into her food, because he knows it’ll hurt her. Nigella’s first husband died of throat cancer and some think that Charles continues to smoke, because he knows it’s a sore spot of her.
The pictures are just sad. Nigella doesn’t look at all shocked by the fact that he’s squeezing her neck and her face is sort of saying, “Oh, he does this all the time.” If the people around them were so shocked and horrified, why in the hell didn’t they do anything? They had knives in their hands. They had easy access to sharp objects. They could’ve broken a plate on Nigella’s cunt of a husband’s head. Instead of telling the police what they saw, they’re telling The Mirror.
I swear, John Quinones is shaking his head in disgust at all of those people. They would totally fail a “What Would You Do?” challenge.