Uh oh, bad news for those of you who have been longing to read the 140-character thoughts of America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence (“@JLawSweatpants: More like America’s Sweet-fart #LOL #fart #nailedit”). JLaw recently admitted to Nick Grimshaw on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via E!) that you’ll never see her tweeting about pizza or farts or falling asleep to House Hunters at Chris Martin’s house and waking up in a pile of pizza and farts, because she doesn’t know how that internet shit works! LOL SO RILL! But also because she and the internet aren’t exactly on good terms ever since…you know…The Fappening:
Seen above giving me Romancing the Stone vibes for some reason, Jennifer Lawrence had a lot to say about the dozens of pictures of her naked body that leaked all over the Internet over the course of a few weeks. Vanity Fair’s Sam Kashner interviewed JLaw for Vanity Fair before The Fappening happened, but after her hacked pictures took over 4Chan, Reddit and the rest of the Internet, he called her up and she went in.
Jennifer says that when she first found out about it, she was afraid and didn’t know how it would affect her career. She started to write an “I’m sowwy” letter but quickly realized that she’s not the one who should be apologizing since she’s not the one who did anything wrong. She also added that stealing and sharing pictures of her naked body is a sex crime and every single person who looked at the pictures should be lying in a puddle of lukewarm SHAME on the floor.
According to TMZ, the cloud hackers took a break from releasing more of Jennifer Lawrence’s stolen nipple pics this weekend to finally gave the people what they’ve been demanding for weeks now – PICS OF FAMOUS DICKS. Except they took our request a little too literally and leaked stolen pics of Hulk Hogan’s dickhead-looking son Nick Hogan. TMZ says the photos are pretty graphic (insert cat saying NO NO NO NO NO video here), including pictures of him from high school, Nick doing some No Holds Barred moves on a couple of ladies, pics of his dick, and several pictures of (WARNING GRAB A BARF BAG) his mom Linda Hogan wearing a thong and bending over.
But getting hacked could actually be bad news bears for Nick Hogan. TMZ says a couple of the stolen high school pics feature – you guessed it – underage high school girls, which means both he and the hackers are technically in possession of what is technically child porn. Ruh roh. Of course, Nick is a dummy and he’s half denying it. He isn’t denying that the underage high school girl pics are his – he claims he’s kept almost everything that was recorded or photographed from his life. But he says the dick pics aren’t pictures of his dick.
Obviously, the silver lining is that they didn’t release any dick pics of Hulk Hogan. My eyes don’t need to see The Hulkster’s HGH-jacked overcooked jerky-looking Lil’ Hulkamaniac or his silky bandana-wrapped butter yellow pubes.
Not funny, cloud hackers! Of all the penis pics that could have been released (Jon Hamm, Joe Manjello, Jon Hamm, Christopher Meloni, or, I dunno, JON HAMM) the cloud hackers decided to kick off The Fappening 4: The Tappening by releasing stolen iCloud dick pics of Hulk Hogan’s busted sperm. I feel like at any minute, a black and white hologram of Rod Serling is going to appear behind me saying: “The desperate Dorito-dust-covered creature seen before you is Allison, a woman who just realized that when it comes to dick pics, be careful what you wish for. Because sometimes the dick pics you get aren’t the dick pics you want.” Cue the Twilight Zone neener-neener music!
A Lawyer For Several Celebrities Involved In The Fappening Is Threatening To Sue Google For $100 Million
The Fappening is still happening. Nearly every weekend, a new batch of freshly-baked stolen nipple pics are pulled from the oven of the internet and posted online for weirdos and not-rights to rub their dicks to until the next batch appears a week later. So far, those crafty cloud hackers show no sign of stopping, and Apple has pretty much pulled a Shaggy “It wasn’t me” by denying that the cloud is about as secure as an actual cloud. So who is left to blame? According to Lawyer-To-The-STAHS Marty Singer, that would be Google.
Page Six says that Marty, who represents over a dozen of the women in the hacked photos, claims Google is making millions off advertising revenue off the nude pics and they need to PAY UP. So Marty wrote a stern letter and sent it to Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, as well as executive chairman of Google Eric Schmidt, accusing them of “making millions and profiting from the victimization of women” and warning them that if they don’t delete every last nipple pic off the internet, he’s prepared to sue them for $100 million. He also compares Google to the NFL:
All right, cloud hackers, this time you’ve gone TOO FAR! Anna Kendrick’s tiny field mouse titties are none of your business! If you want to see rodent nipples so badly, go ask Pharrell if he’ll show you his rat nips.
According to BuzzFeed and Page Six, The Fappening Pt. 3 happened this weekend and more stolen celebrity pics were leaked onto the internet once again like a recurring drug-resistant yeast infection. This time, the cloud hackers released more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, as well as nipple pics of Cara Delevingne, Mena Suvari, Kelli Garner, Misty May Treanor, and 87 non-nude pictures of Anna Kendrick. That’s how desperate the basement-dwelling neck beards of the internet are for pictures of their imaginary girlfriend Anna Kendrick; they don’t even need nips to fap. Although you know a part of them was disappointed that out of 87 pictures, there wasn’t one of her playing the cups song on her chocha.
I haven’t seen any of Anna’s stolen pictures, but if she’s fully-clothed in all of them, why did they need to steal 87? Is the cloud hacker trying to cater to more specific online niche communities, like dudes who can only get off to pictures of women in a variety of pants or ladies who like to lady fap to women wearing clothes they may already own?
And is this what it has come down to? Each weekend a new batch of pictures is released until every pervert on the internet has fapped their dicks right off their bodies? How many more stolen nipple pics do you need, internet? There’s only so many celebrities! Eventually the cloud hackers will run out of people to steal pictures from, and then what? What will you do then? Fap to stolen nipple pictures of famous cartoons? I don’t want to live in a world where I one day have to type the headline: “She-Ra, Cheetara, and Heather from Denver The Last Dinosaur latest victims of online cloud hacker.“
For those of you going “WHO????“, that would be Johnny Depp’s thirsty gold digging fiance, remember? I know, it’s been a while. So the sequel to The Fappening happened this weekend, but just like everything in Hollywood, that shit was split into two parts for maximum exposure. The first part happened on Saturday morning, when that sneaky cloud hacker released a new batch of stolen nipple pics, including ones belonging to Kim Kardashian, Gabrielle Union, Hope Solo, and more pics of Jennifer Lawrence.
Then part two happened on Sunday morning, when the same cloud hacker (or a secret underground ring of basement-dwelling cloud-hacking chronic masturbators) released nipple pics of Rihanna (THE AUDACITY!) and Johnny Depp’s fiance Amber Heard. According to TMZ, the hackers released over 50 topless pictures of Amber Heard to 4chan and Reddit, and they say it may be the biggest invasion of privacy since JLaw and Kate Upton were hacked a month ago.
No word on whether or not there are any pics of her rubbing on Johnny Depps’s dirty hobo pirate peen (I hope not), but TMZ says there is one picture of her holding up a sign that’s clearly a message to Johnny, since she refers to him as “Tonto”. Or maybe she was trying to send a message to Jay Silverheels up in Heaven?
This Fappening 2 mess is infuriating on so many levels (still no dick pics), but the thing I have the most trouble understanding is how the hackers are still able to steal shit from the cloud. Wasn’t the FBI supposed to put a padlock on the cloud? How in the FUCK are the hackers getting into the cloud? Are they working with the Care Bears? That’s gotta be it! I bet that prudish lesson-teaching bitch Grams Bear is behind all this!