So I guess that bitchy high school girl feud between wannabe goth kid Katy Perry and butterscotch prom queen Taylor Swift is still a thing, and now it looks like Kay Kay has dragged her 36-year-old maybe-boyfriend Diplo into it. Yesterday, Diplo tweeted the following shade at Tay Tay:
Someone should make a kickstarter to get taylor swift a booty
— BABY DADDY (@diplo) November 12, 2014
Of course within minutes, one of Diplo’s followers set up a Fundly page titled – you guessed it – “Get Taylor Swift A Booty“. So far, the campaign to get Taylor Swift a booty has 29 supporters and has raised a whopping $45 (which is almost enough to buy a pair of Crownette padded briefs from Sears). This act of grown-ass mean girl cuntery pleased Diplo, so he continued to tweet the link to the Fundly page several times, as well as re-tweeting a joke that a petition was sent to the White House to include getting Taylor Swift a booty in the federal budget.
Lamar Sally, the shameless gold-digging grifter who’s currently trying to scam child support money out of Sherri Shepherd for a surrogate baby he helped make solely for the purpose of trying to scam child support money, gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to People (aka People found him loitering in the parking lot and felt sorry for him) regarding said baby and his relationship with the baby’s mother. No, not his surrogate mother, his REAL MOTHER – the one who wants nothing to do with him!
Lamar told People that ever since lil’ Lamar Sally Jr. (I guess Son of Useless Shitbag was already taken?) was born via-surrogate on August 5th, his estranged wife hasn’t made an attempt to meet her son. You know, the son she believes was conceived as an excuse for Lamar to take an 18-year-long all-expenses-paid life vacation. Even though Lamar Jr. wasn’t made using Sherri’s eggs and Sherri has shown zero interest in him, Lamar Sr. claims he’s fighting to add Sherri’s name to the baby’s birth certificate because he truly believes Lamar Jr. needs to know who his mommy is:
Well, this makes almost no goddamn sense, but let’s go with it! People says that 68-year-old Canadian rock legend and Godfather of Grunge Neil Young is rubbing his pepaw parts on 53-year-old former mermaid/current rubber-faced crazy Daryl Hannah. A source says they spotted Neil and Daryl (which sounds like a Canadian news team) holding hands at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Holding hands? Take it easy, you horny sluts!
So how did this random match happen? Neil and Daryl collaborated on a documentary for Greenpeace about the Alberta Tar Sands, and an insider claims they’ve attended many protest rallies since. I’m sure you’re thinking “Aww, how cute! Two environmental activists in love!” but NO! Not cute! Daryl swooped in on Neil while he was still married to his wife of 36 years, Pegi Young, and they only filed for divorce a little over a month ago. Damn, first Madison the Mermaid starts busting her face, now she’s busting up marriages!Of course, some of Neil’s friends aren’t too happy that he left his wife for that dizzy bible-thumping bitch Annelle from Steel Magnolias. Neil’s former band mate David Crosby gave an interview to the Idaho Statesman where he pretty much calls Neil out for hooking up with a latex-faced homewrecker:
“I happen to know that [Young] is hanging out with somebody that’s a purely poisonous predator now. And that’s karma. He’s gonna get hurt. But I understand why it happened. I’m just sad about it. I’m always sad when I see love tossed in the gutter.”
Who would have thought that a relationship burped up from the bowels of random would be so damn dramatic? Neil seems like the most easy-going pepaw in the world – those sideburns say “I like beer and I like naps”. But apparently he’s into some telenovela shit! Or whatever the Canadian version of a telenovela is. Road to Avonlea? Train 48?
Regardless, I’m personally very proud of myself that I managed to write this whole thing without making a Harvest Poon joke. Oh, goddamn it. So close!
Come-to-life butterscotch sundae Taylor Swift admitted during an interview with Rolling Stone (via UsWeekly) that there’s a song on her new album 1989 called “Bad Blood”, and it’s not a Weird Al-style parody of the final season of True Blood. Taylor confessed that it’s about a shady A-list showbiz bitch who pretended to be her friend for years while secretly doing her dirty behind her back. Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae doesn’t name-names (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR!) but she does sort-of give clues, not that we really needed any. Ah, Taylor – no matter how old she gets, she’ll always be a drama-loving middle-school Mean Girl at heart:
“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life? [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”
“I hate conflict” is the basic bitch equivalent to “I hate drama“. Taylor LOVES conflict! Literally every song this human sugar cookie writes is about a break-up or the haters or breaking-up with the haters. And yet she won’t say who she’s talking about. Ugh, there’s nothing I hate more than a trick who gives you gossip blue-balls! Just say who it is, Taylor! You’ve already spilled half the T – you wrote a damn song about it! Drop the bag! Her name rhymes with “Schmaty Schmerry“, just say it! Tea bag us with that name, Taylor! Wait, that didn’t sound right.
But if it’s not who I think it is and I had to guess who the two-faced jealous hag hurting Taylor’s feelings was, it’s probably that shady bitch Nerdy Natalie. Watch your back, Natalie – Meredith and Olivia Benson have your number!
Here’s Taylor “Shhhh” Swift serving up some strawberry-scented G-rated From Here To Eternity realness in Rolling Stone:
Former New Kids On The Block hotel room arsonist and current guy who sells hamburgers on a reality show Donnie Wahlberg is getting married to the human equivalent to getting your period during a cross-country road trip Jenny McCarthy today in New York, an event which will surely bring out the who’s who of top-tier celebrities. However, TMZ says that one A-list brother will NOT be attending the wedding: MAHKY MAHK. Donnie, say hi to your mother for Mark; he won’t be there to do it himself. »
Even though that’s the kind of ice-cold stare that says “Well, technically I am, but you’ll never know about it until a delivery van pulls up to your house with an old busted stationary bike from the 80s and an envelope taped to the seat containing the cut-up pieces of your SoulCycle membership card and the words ‘This is your cycle now, bitch’ scrawled in Sharpie on a VHS copy of Mighty Joe Young.”
Earlier this week it was reported that some Hollywood actress named Charlize Theron was trying to get WB Legend Tia Mowry banned from her SoulCycle class after Tia told everyone the story about the time Charlize was an Academy Award-winning eye-rolling Grade-A cunt to her. However, E! says that a source close to Charlize (Sean Penn’s talking beef jerky balls) claims the South African earth angel would NEVER, and that the rumor that she’s trying to strong-arm SoulCycle into making one-half of Sister, Sister disappear “is totally fabricated and completely not true.”
The source then added: “Charlize would never deny a nobody who was famous 20 years ago the opportunity to pretend to ride a bike beside one of the greatest living actresses of our time. It’s just not true. Charlize is a humanitarian. Why just last week she bought Cody from Step-by-Step a juice.”
I know that this source claims Charlize is cool with Tia and nobody’s trying to get anybody banned from SoulCycle and bla bla bla, but if I were Tia, I’d be suspicious the next time Rita from Arrested Development waves her over and invites her to take a seat on the bike next to hers. Don’t do it, Tia! There’s probably a bolt missing or the tension is all fucked up! It’s probably best she starts bringing that genius brother of hers along to her SoulCycle classes from now on to inspect all the bikes for Oscar-scented sabotage. If anyone can sniff out a shady bitch, it’s Teddy from Full House!
Dancing With The Has-Beens resident toe-tapping man slut Maksim Chmerkovskiy threw some hunky shade at his former BFFTXDUP (best friend forever till Xenu do us part) Kirstie Alley on the Watch What Happens Live after show on Tuesday. During a call-in segment, Maks was asked if Kirstie ever tried to slip him some barley water and lure him to the dark side in an attempt to convert him to Scientology. Even though his eyes said “Yes, and there are still white windowless vans following my ass around and people digging through my garbage and Tommy Girl won’t stop calling me”, his mouth said no, which led Andy Cohen to ask if he gets along well with Scientology’s Spanxed High Priestess. Maksim answered:
“Until recently. She stopped getting along with me. I think the world of her. I’m not judging people by their religion. I’m Jewish, and you know, I don’t really believe in science fiction, but whatever. We had a great relationship. I thought we had a great relationship, and if it was something else or not, I don’t know. But I got a message that now that I’m associating with other people that she can’t be associated with, I am no longer to be spoken with, and sorry, but that is what it is.”
Maks didn’t have to name names, since anyone with a busted E-meter for a brain knew that the usurper in question is Leah Remini. Leah escaped the clutches of Scientology last year, and her picture has been on Kirstie Alley’s dartboard ever since. But what’s the connection to Maks and Leah? Maks has just entered a
PR contract totally sincere relationship with Jennifer Lopez, who just happens to be BFFs with Leah Remini.
So Kirstie, who’s clearly a 15-year-old high school bitch trapped in the body of a 63-year-old Spanxed marshmallow, found out that one of her friends is dating the best friend of a girl she’s in a fight with. So how does Kirstie tell Maks that she’s done with his ass? The same way most 15-year-old girls deliver messages: Maks says he found out via message through a friend. I can just picture it now: John Travolta marches up to Maks in the cafeteria, slaps him across the face, hisses “That’s a message from my gurl Kirstie, you backstabbing skank!”, then secretly slips Maks his number while giggling “OMG! Call me sometime?”
Here’s Maks’s girlfriend JLo and her best friend Leah out shopping in Hollywood yesterday. I bet Kirstie and John have already printed out these pictures and glued them into the Burn Book.
Pics: Fame Flynet
Oh the trials and tribulations of a jealous toddler. Justin Bieber is apparently pouting in his treehouse with a Wizards of Waverly Place doll because he thinks Selena Gomez has replaced his bratty ass. According to UK’s Star (via Radar), Justin doesn’t really care that Selena might be humping on Jessica Szohr’s former fuck buddy; he’s actually more upset that she’s spending so much time with well-known coochie wrangler and model Cara Delevingne. A insider claims that Justin’s Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone hasn’t taken a break since Cara entered the picture, because that nosy little toddler is spending his nap times ringing her up and bitching her out for attempting to take his place as Selena’s butchy blonde tatted-up kewpie doll-looking bottom bitch:
“Justin has called Cara on more than one occasion, wanting to know what’s going on. It’s been clear that he’s had a drink beforehand, too.”
Today’s image of greatness comes from that wonderful insider, who just made me picture a surly Justin Bieber sitting in the dark in a Blue’s Clues chair, swirling sizzurp in a brandy snifter and hissing into the phone: “WHORE! You’re nothing but bushy-eyebrowed British TRASH! She doesn’t love you!“, then slamming the receiver down and screaming “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SELENA!”
That bratty skidmark is probably just pissed off that Selena managed to find a prettier version of him. Cara has nicer hair, better abs, softer skin, is potty trained, orders off the adult menu when they go out to restaurants, doesn’t get scared when she hears thunder. Hell, I’m sure she could grow a better moustache if she tried (if she needs any tips on managing facial hair, she could probably call up her ex, Michelle Rodriguez, who seems to know her way around a beard situation).
Here’s more of a sans-Cara Selena strolling around Hollywood looking like both a budget Vanessa Hudgens and a high-end Kylie Jenner. No, you’re right – comparing her to the Marla Hooch-looking Jenner is incorrect; Selena is obviously more of a Betty Spaghetti:
“Hope you like magic tricks bitch, ’cause I’m about to make you disappear” – Beyoncé, as she presses the panic button concealed in her right hand to summon The Beygency in a windowless white van.
The messy family drama between Basement Baby, Jay Z, and HER MAJESTY BEYONCÉ just keeps getting messier and more dramatic. In the wake of the release of the post-Met Gala elevator security camera footage of Basement Baby going all Homey D. Clown on her brother-in-law, Solange has wiped her Instagram account clean of every picture of Beyoncé, except for one that was taken over a year ago. Meanwhile, Bey has left up a picture of a prayer she posted to Instagram shortly after the Met Gala about asking god to help her choose her friends wisely and to get rid of bad influences and bla bla bla. Passive-aggressive fighting on Instagram, eh? Some bitches truly never leave middle school.
But Basement Baby’s elevator brawl wasn’t her only fight that night. According to Us Weekly, Basement also got into it with designer Rachel Roy, saying she started yelling at a group of people that included Roy, who’s ex-husband Damon Dash used to be BFFs with Jay Z before the two had a falling out. They say that Beyoncé also got in the middle of it, but nobody knows why Basement started fighting with Rachel Roy in the first place. So basically, Basement Baby spent her evening at the Met Gala fighting bitches like an angry drunk chick at a high school prom.
And just like everyone predicted they would, Beyoncé and Jay Z did some damage control by making an appearance at the Nets game Monday night as Perfect Couple™ Bey & Jay. Look at those smiles! I almost believe them; good job, you two! You can barely tell that Beyoncé is mentally calculating how much time Basement Baby will require in the Re-Beyducation chamber as punishment for her insolence.
And now we know that Jay-Z’s got 99 problems and Basement Baby is all of them.
TMZ posted an ESCANDALO video of Basement Baby re-enacting the Tina Turner limo scene from What’s Love Got To Do With It? in an elevator at The Standard Hotel in NYC after the Met Gala last week. A millisecond after Beyonce, Jay-Z and Basement Baby get into the elevator, BB burns Beyonce’s weave glue by kicking, punching and losing her mind on Jay-Z. I know, it’s weird seeing a woman whoop Jay-Z’s ass for a change. A big ass bodyguard tries to hold Basement Baby back, but when he you take Basement Baby out of the basement she goes nuts and he can’t control her ass. Meanwhile, BeyonceBot just stands there like, “I’m not about to fuck up my makeup, nails, dress and weave over this shit.” Jay-Z must’ve turned her off before they got into the elevator, because bitch barely blinks while her sister goes full “Sharon Stone in Casino” on Jay-Z’s ass.
TMZ also points out that the bodyguard hits the emergency break so the doors won’t open up and give everyone a Basement Baby Beat Down Show. TMZ doesn’t say what went down, but I’m guessing Jay-Z told her she looked like a Fraggle Rock Diana Ross.
Surprisingly, BeyonceBot didn’t hit the basement button on the elevator and tell Basement Baby, “This is your stop.” They all came out of the hotel together and while BeyonceBot put on a manufactured fake ass smile while getting into a car with Jay-Z, Basement Baby had the look of rage in her eyes as she got into a different car. This is what happens when Basement Baby leaves the basement and I love it.
But seriously, Basement Baby, you in danger, girl. The Beygency and Illuminati’s coming for you. I fully expect Beyonce to release a statement saying that Basement Baby has checked into the basement of Promises Malibu to deal with rage issues caused by freebasing moth balls. Jay-Z will issue his own statement saying that he’s glad he could help Basement Baby get her first hit in years.
UPDATE: TMZ has an extended cut version, because of course they do. Three full minutes of THE RAGE OF BASEMENT BABY including her shit flying everywhere when she throws her purse at him. There goes her allowance for the month.
All together now, “Hate in an elevator, livin’ it up while Jay-Z’s doing down!”