I really wanted to Photoshop Bobby Flay and Stephanie March onto a Kramer vs. Kramer poster with a picture of their horse in the middle, but I decided against it because I’m sure that horse wants nothing to do with this nonsense. Just when you think Bobby Flay and Stephanie March’s prenup drama couldn’t get any more fucky (see: that time Bobby brought Stephanie’s fake boobies into it), TMZ says they’re now fighting over a racehorse. A racehorse! How terribly rich of them. What’s next, a custody battle over the automatic caviar dispenser?
The reason they’ve dragged the horse into their messy divorce is this: Stephanie claims Bobby gave her a racehorse back in 2009 for their 4th anniversary. The horse, Dad’s Crazy (who is no doubt considering changing his name to Mom and Dad is Crazy as we speak), was good at being a racehorse and had won about $130,000 during his horse racing career. Eventually, Bobby decided to sell Dad’s Crazy for $60,000. Stephanie says she’s never seen any of Dad’s Crazy’s $130,000 winnings, nor a dime from the $60,000 sale, and she wants the money from her horsie, dammit!
Bobby says yes, the horse was registered in Stephanie’s name, but that’s it. He also claims he doesn’t have any of the $190,000 Dad’s Crazy made. Uh huh, sure. Someone better go check Alfred E. Neuman’s house to see if he’s holding 190 Fage-smeared stacks for his shady second cousin.
I know Stephanie is hungry for Bobby’s Food Network chef cash, but it’s getting pretty obvious that Guy Fieri has a better chance of cooking something edible than Bobby wrapping up a couple million and handing it over to his soon-to-be ex-wife. If Stephanie was smart, she’d take a cue from Law & Order and yank a #getmoneybitch story straight from the headlines. For example: we’re all familiar with the “I spilled hot coffee on myself, now give me a million dollars please” con, right? All Stephanie has to do is walk into one of Bobby’s restaurants, claim she burnt her mouth on a scalding hot chorizo, and threaten to sue his ass for $12 million in mouth damages. There, problem solved!
While his leprechaun relatives back home are spending the day chugging celebratory cans of Guinness in honor of Ireland giving the thumbs up to same-sex marriage, the leprechaun chef of New York Bobby Flay is still frantically trying to keep his pot of gold away from his soon-to-be ex-wife Stephanie March.
Last week it was reported that Stephanie was trying to get the prenup she signed back in 2005 thrown in the trash because she claimed she was owed a bunch of money from Bobby for tasting his food and making an iPod playlist for his restaurants. According to TMZ, Stephanie has also added that she felt she was owed more money than they prenup provided ($5,000 a month) because she was frequently sick and couldn’t work. Stephanie says she had a burst appendix and 3 deep infections that prevented her from adding credits to her IMDB page.
But Bobby swatted back at Stephanie’s attempt to #getmoneybitch by telling a judge her infections were the result of a bad boob job, and therefore, not his problem. He sort of played the same hand fellow Food Network chef Guy Fieri plays when someone gets the barfs after eating his gross food; sort of a “It’s not my fault you ate something called Donkey Sauce” angle. Of course, Stephanie kept the drama going by claiming that Bobby’s alleged cheating have “compromised her health and mental state.”
a cracker Mario Batali’s Crocs, this divorce is getting all kinds of dirty, and it sounds like it’s never going to end. Really, the only way I can see this being settled is if they take this mess to Chopped and let Ted Allen and not-the-one Chopped judge Aarón Sánchez decide who is less of a mess. Your mystery basket ingredients are: a prenup, a print out of sexts between Bobby Flay and a Food Network intern, an apron that smells like chorizo, the saline from a leaky breast implant, and a tub of Fage yogurt. You have thirty minutes to prepare an argument for the judges for why you deserve money. And GO!
If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.
One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.
A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:
Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:
You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.
It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”
And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.
Because Hollywood is basically high school and the Met Gala is basically the prom (the Oscars are really more of an awards ceremony celebrating outstanding achievement in awesomeness or student council elections), it shouldn’t be surprising that one of the cool girls would have one of the desperate wannabes banned from her afterparty. According to The Sun (via The Mirror), Rihanna had her low-budget equivalent Rita Ora banned from her Met Gala afterparty. Looks like we can cross Rita Ora’s name off the list of possible “sources” who saw Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk.
A “source” says that when it came time to make out the guest list for her party, Princess Ooh Na Na made it very clear that her future Legends In Concert look-alike wouldn’t be getting an invitation and that she shouldn’t be let in under any circumstances. The source then went on to add that RiRi “has a real issue with Rita and this was her chance for revenge.” Not only did RiRi deny RitRit a spot on the guest list, she also made things awkward with Rita and Cara Delevingne. Rita and Cara used to be friends, but she’s apparently Rihanna’s friend now.
However, a source close to Rita (so, basically Rita) claims that Rita never planned on going to RiRi’s party because she was going to one hosted by Lady Gaga. That sound you just heard was the entire world shouting “Sure, Jan.”
There’s a million reasons why RiRi would have denied RitRit’s ass, but the most obvious one is that you don’t need two Rihannas at the same party! That’s like going to a 5-year-old’s birthday party and seeing two Elsas. Just pick the better Elsa.
Here’s the Sindy to RiRi’s Barbie leaving Lady Gaga’s afterparty on Monday night. Apparently RitRit has replaced Cara Delevingne with Sienna Miller. Upgrade!
A serious, serious thing happened the other day: Joss Whedon quit Twitter. And Joss Whedon quit around the same time that the poetic child of a peyote plant and a PM. Dawn lyrics sheet, Jaden Smith, quit too. How we’ll be able to pick up the pieces and go on as a people is beyond me.
I figured that Joss Whedon left Twitter, because the Avengers: Age of Ultron made six trajillion dollars and it’s kind of hard to type 140 character-long tweets while you’re doing yourself with a solid gold dildo as one slave exfoliates your bald head with crushed canary diamonds and another slave massages your balls with a Pegasus feather. But others figured Joss Whedon quit the bitch that is Twitter because feminists dragged his ass for the way Black Widow was treated in Age of Ultron. Others argued that it’s not solely Joss Whedon’s fault, because he was basically Marvel’s well-paid corporate bitch and they fought over storylines and scenes in the Avengers. Patton Oswalt piped in and also said that the tea party version of feminists chased Joss away. (Patton Oswalt later deleted that tweet and took it back. But when is he going to take back his unholy rant against ginger angel Phoebe Price?!)
Joss Whedon wanted to put a stop to all the talk that the mean, angry feminists made him pick up his toys and leave the playground. So Joss called Buzzfeed and told them that he didn’t leave Twitter because of the Avengers hate. He left because he needs to get shit done.
The last time we checked in on Kelly Rutherford’s dramatic Not Without My Two Fancy-Named Children custody battle, a federal court had just denied her request to bring her children, Hermes and Helena, back to the US from France, where they had been living with their father/Kelly’s ex-husband Daniel Giersch since 2012. Because the words “federal court” sound very serious to me, and I assumed that was as far as Kelly would be able to take her custody battle, but apparently it’s not. People says Kelly is now going to President Obama with it.
And Now For The Dramatic Instagram Fight Between Demi Lovato And The Artist Responsible For Her “Vagina Tattoo”
For those of you staring at Demi Lovato’s body like it’s a Magic Eye picture and wondering if you’ll ever see the vagina, take a look at her left wrist. Technically, that wrinkly pair of pink lips is supposed to be a tattoo of a kiss, and it’s something Demi got back in her not-sober days. Eventually Demi realized she had what looked like a gaping pussy permanently drawn on her body, and she finally decided to get it covered up a couple weeks ago. Demi posted a picture of a black and white rose where her pussy-looking tattoo used to be to Instagram with the caption:
“Thank you SO MUCH to my brother @GEESPOTAT2…It looks beaaauutiful and I LOVE it!! #RIPvaginatattoo #kidsdontdodrugs”
Of course, it was only a matter of time before the tattoo artist responsible for Demi’s snatch stamp, Ashley McMullen, showed up and responded to the giant passive aggressive dump Demi took on her work by dragging her on Instagram.
Rosie O’Donnell’s dramatic custody battle with her soon-to-be ex-wife has recently hit a higher level of MESS, and it has everything to do with Rosie being a high mess. According to TMZ, Rosie’s future ex-wife Michelle Rounds – who is sort of giving me some serious Tami Taylor vibes in that picture – says she deserves sole custody of their 2-year-old daughter Dakota because Rosie is a wine-chugging pot head and a shit parent. I’m taking back that Tami Taylor comparison; Tami Taylor would never have a problem with someone guzzling wine.
Michelle claims Rosie drinks a bottle of wine almost every night, regularly smokes weed and eats weed-filled foods (sorry, I have a hard time calling them “edibles“, because it reminds me of Edna’s Edibles, and Mrs. Garrett would never!), and it’s getting in the way of her parenting. Michelle says Rosie is in her own world most of the time, which means the nannies end up making the decisions regarding her 5 kids. Michelle also accuses Rosie of letting her 19-year-old son throw parties and allows his underage friends to drink alcohol.
Of course, Rosie is hissing back that everything Michelle says is LIES because she’s a low-down dirty gold digger who is pissed off about the prenup she signed. Rosie’s rep tells TMZ: “This is a distorted perception of Michelle’s reality. It’s sad in every way.” Not shockingly, Michelle fired back, claiming she was a millionaire before she got with Rosie, and adding, “I will walk away from every dime of Rosie’s money if I get full custody.”
Yeah, something tells me that last part might not be the whole truth. Even if Michelle does get full custody, I’m sure she’ll conveniently remember a reason why she needs some of Rosie’s money. “Rosie owes me $4.6 million for…uh…cash she took out of my purse to pay the wine-and-weed delivery guy. Yeah, that’s it.“
Warning: my only knowledge of freezing human stuff comes from Austin Powers, so please prepare yourself by drinking an extra-large mug of Throat Coat tea. You’re going to need it when you bust your vocal cords from repeatedly shouting “OMG THAT’S NOT WHAT FREEZING IS, YOU MAPLE-DIPPED DUMBASS!”
Earlier this week, we found out that Sofia Vergara’s ex-boyfriend Nick Loeb was suing her over a bunch of frozen embryos they made while they were still together. It was a pretty messy lawsuit; Nick still wanted to make a baby using their embryos and was alleging that Sofia wanted to dump them in the trash. It was all very Not Without My Embryocicles. Now Sofia is getting out her plastic fly swatter and swatting at Nick’s claims that she’s an embryo destroying monster, while also getting in a little subtle shade. Sofia’s lawyer (no, it’s not Mitchell Prittchett) tells People:
“The claims made against Sofia Vergara by Nick Loeb are uncredible and hold no merit. Vergara has never wanted to destroy her embryos. Vergara has never suggested that she wished to have the embryos destroyed. She has always maintained that they be kept frozen, a fact of which Loeb and his counsel have always been aware, despite Loeb’s statements to the contrary. Vergara, who has happily moved on with her life, is content to leave the embryos frozen indefinitely as she has no desire to have children with her ex, which should be understandable given the circumstances.”
Her lawyer goes on to say that no action can be taken in regards to the embryos unless both parties consent to it, which means they’re probably going to be on ice forever. Of course, there’s always a chance Sofia might change her mind and decide to make a baby with Nick, but something tells me Satan has a better chance of getting frostbite on the tip of his dick than that being something that happens.
TMZ says Lil Wayne is currently shopping around a book about his 8 months in prison back in 2010 (note: I would 100% read that book), and one of the stories included in the proposal is the day he discovered that Drake had humped on his girlfriend. According to Weezy, Wheelchair Jimmy came to visit him at Rikers Island and confessed that he had stuck his emergency brake in his lady, saying: “Yeah, it’s true. Don’t fuck with her like that cause I did fuck her.” Today I learned: Drake doesn’t refer to it as ‘making love’ like I always assumed he did.
As for when it happened, Lil Wayne says his girlfriend told him she hooked up with Drake the day before they hooked up, which means it wasn’t technically cheating. Or cheating at all, really? Regardless, Lil Wayne was super pissed.