The Crown people need to stop whatever they’re doing and immediately start shooting the current day royal years, because I really want to sit back with a cup of gin on the rocks (in honor of THE QUEEN) and get into the 100% factual scene where Meghan Markle (played by Duchess Meghan) and THE QUEEN (played by Imelda Staunton in older lady drag) tussle over a tiara as a Corgi bites at Meghan’s ankle and Prince Philip referees.
The New York Times of England known as The Sun says that THE QUEEN had to tell Prince Hot Ginge to check his ho (those are the exact words THE QUEEN used) when Meghan got mad about not being able to wear her first choice for a tiara on her wedding day. Who knew that Samantha Markle was the new editor-in-chief of The Sun? Congrats on getting an actual job, Sammy!
The up-the-nose angle is never a good look for anyone, but that’s not the most uncomfortable part of this old picture of Safaree Samuels and Nicki Minaj. Safaree and Nicki dated for about fourteen years, and their break-up was a mess-and-a-half (to say the least). Now Safaree is claiming that things were also messy while they were dating, to the point that Nicki allegedly put him in the hospital and he almost died.
One of Kim Kardashian’s pettier attention-yanking stunts happened back in February when she sent both her friends and enemies her KKW perfume for Valentine’s Day. Kim made a list on some Post-its and Instagrammed who was getting what. On the haters list was Chloe Grace Moretz, which is totally normal, because what 37-year-old woman hasn’t found herself in a public feud with a 21-year-old they’ve never met? Kim’s childish revenge plot clearly didn’t work as well as she thought, because Chloe recently admitted that it didn’t even make it to her house.
Mo’Nique has been battling with her Precious director Lee Daniels for about three years now. She’s claimed she was blackballed from Hollywood by Lee Daniels for not “playing the game” (ie. Oscar campaigning and press). Lee slapped back by saying she had too many “demands.” Mo’Nique later amended her blackballing complaint to include Oprah and Tyler Perry. And she’s pretty much kept the same “Fuck Lee Daniels” stance ever since.
Lee recently brought up his arch nemesis in conversation, and he only had shady things to say. Because Mo’Nique was quick to grab the camera, clear her throat, and say, “Hey my loves,” before tearing into Lee once again.
UPDATE: The drama never ends… Forget what I wrote below about Thomas Markle going to the wedding. He tells TMZ he’s not going because tomorrow morning, surgeons will open him up, clear the blockage in his heart and put in a stent. Thomas also blames his son’s handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge via InTouch Weekly (the one where his son implores PHG to not marry Megan) for his heart attack. I would say that’s that, but we know it isn’t, because we know Meghan’s shitty half-siblings are going to crash the wedding and tackle her for brainwashing their dad against them. Can’t wait!
Send thoughts, prayers, condolences and the lyrics of a Kelly Clarkson song to my toilet, because for the past couple of days, my body has been possessed by some evil stomach flu (or food poisoning) devil. It’s obvious that the British royal family sent James Bond to California to sprinkle salmonella in the fried chicken I had on Mother’s Day dinner so that I’d be too busy having an exorcism in my bathroom to write about the family drama messiness going down around the royal wedding. Yes, that makes 100% sense!
When I last wrote about the royal wedding situation that’s even messier than the current state of my insides, Thomas Markle told TMZ that he’s not walking Meghan Markle down the aisle this Saturday because he’s not going to London. Thomas Markle claimed he had a heart attack last week, but something called a “serious medical emergency” wasn’t the reason why he wasn’t going to the wedding. Thomas was embarrassed after getting caught taking staged pap pics. Now he’s telling his new best friends at TMZ that he is planning to go to the royal wedding even though his heart isn’t in it. And I’m talking about in a medical way, because he’s apparently having more heart trauma.
Damon Wayans has finally spoken about his now-former co-star Lethal Weapon co-star Clayne Crawford. And here’s what we know: if Hollywood gave out awards for excellence in promoting a project, Damon would have been a shoo-in to win Best at Faking It. Because now we know that any enthusiasm Damon might have had for working with Clayne was as fake as Clayne’s name.