And now it’s time for me to tuck you into bed and read you a bedtime fairy tale that’s about as authentic as Blac Chyna’s lumpy couch cushion ass. I promise that afterward, I’ll check under your bed to make sure there’s no fame whores lurking in there.
TMZ says that the LAPD’s Threat Management Unit is investigating threats that Rob Kartrashian allegedly threw at a dude named Pilot Jones (somebody really has it bad for Frank Ocean) after pictures came out of Pilot sucking on Blac Chyna’s face. Rob reportedly texted Pilot with threats of an ass whoopin’. Rob supposedly never leaves his house, so I’m not sure how he’s planning to beat the shit out of Pilot. Maybe he thinks Pilot is dumb and will gladly come over for an ass beating. Or maybe Rob knows how to whoop a trick through FaceTime.
When Russell Crowe and Azealia Banks ended up in the same hotel suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel on Saturday night, it was bound to end one of two ways. Either they’d get into a spit-flying train wreck of a fight, or they’d realize that they’re both pus-filled rage demons who belong together and fall in love. The first one happened. Both Russell and Azealia agree that shit went down and she ended up getting kicked out of his hotel suite, but that’s the only thing they agree on. But TMZ says that security footage from the hotel may vindicate one of them.
During Corey Feldman’s triumphant comeback performance on Today yesterday, many were so mesmerized and hypnotized by his artistry and graceful moves that they didn’t even notice that he committed an unforgivable attack on this country by dropping the American flag. I noticed, and figured it was either nothing or Corey was declaring his allegiance to Russia. But some who did notice, immediately went into OUTRAGE mode and tweeted that he needed to apologize for being so damn disrespectful or take his commie ass out of this country!
KTLA’s Sam Rubin has been one of THEE premiere entertainment reporters on the Los Angeles local news scene for centuries and goddammit, he deserves some respect and doesn’t need some PR person telling him to fast forward his mouth to the next question and to stay on topic. But that’s exactly what a PR person did to him at the junket for Ben Affleck’s new movie The Accountant. If you’ve seen the trailer for The Accountant, you probably thought it was just an H&R Block commercial where Ben does a parody of his bro-friend Matt Damon’s old characters from The Bourne Identity and Good Will Hunting. But it’s a real movie.
Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
Sorry Katy Perry! Whoops, actually – scratch that. I know Katy Perry was looking for an apology from Taylor Swift, and I’ve got a feeling she’s going to start sprouting grey pubes before she gets one. And forget about collaborating on anything together. If Hollywood Life’s sources are to be believed, Katy’s got a better chance of receiving a nun-approved nomination for sainthood than working with Taylor.