Blind Item: Which “Incredibly Famous Young Woman” Does Stephen Amell Think Is An “Overly Sexualized Velociraptor”?
Stephen Amell, the dude from Arrow on The CW, had breakfast in L.A. last Tuesday with his wife Cassandra Jean and their 1-year-old daughter Mavi. Everything was all pancakes and rainbows until an “emotional terrorist” walked into the restaurant and Stephen had to clutch his pearls, cover his daughter’s eyes with a Bible and quickly rush his family to the nearest church to dip their eyeballs in holy water after seeing that dark-sided slutty dinosaur. Stephen wrote on Facebook (via ONTD) about how he left a restaurant because he didn’t want his daughter to make eye contact with an “overly sexualized velociraptor.”
Had breakfast on Tuesday in Los Angeles with my wife and daughter. In the midst of marveling at how she’s able to eat pancakes intended for fully grown humans while weighing less than 25 pounds… An incredibly famous young woman came in with her sort of (not really) famous boyfriend. I immediately tensed because I consider this person – as the father of a young girl – to be nothing short of an emotional terrorist. My wife senses this and asks me what’s wrong. I respond that we need to leave immediately for fear my kid and this overly sexualized velociraptor make eye contact even for the briefest of instances. I was dead serious. This is what it’s like to have a daughter.
Even though he said “overly sexualized velociraptor” and not “overly sexualized hillbilly chipmunk,” I’m going to guess Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger?
Overreact: This is how you do it. Dude needs to be fitted for a crown, because he’s the fragile dramatic queen of fragile dramatic queens. I don’t think his 1-year-old even know who Miley Cyrus is. Besides, it’s not like Miley was on top of a table fucking herself with a rolled-up pancake as Patrick poured maple syrup all over her naked body. (Or was she? You never know with Miley.) Nothing is really worth abandoning delicious pancakes for.
I mean, if Billy Ray was with Miley, then I’d totally understand Stephen’s reaction. Because no child should have to look at the possum carcass on Billy Ray’s head.
And “overly sexualized velociraptor” is my new favorite dinosaur. I hope it’s in the next Jurassic Park movie.
The last time we checked in on the recess drama happening between volunteer library assistant Taylor Swift and the kid who keeps getting caught pissing on the boy’s locker room floor DJ Diplo, he had abandonned his Cash 4 Tay Tay’s Ass fundraiser and had moved on to crying about how her fans were the meaniest meanies that ever lived and whispering about how she’s a strategic string-pulling puppet master. As far as everyone in the 6th grade was concerned, Diplo and Tay Tay were not on speaking terms.
However, last night he uploaded a picture of himself and Taylor St. Sunshine hanging out at a Grammy afterparty to Instagram, along with the caption “Then this happened @taylorswift vs taylor spliff #grammys2015“, which means they might not completely hate each other anymore. Because really, we all know that if two melodramatic tricks hated each other, that drink wouldn’t be used for drinking; it would be used for dumping as you hiss the words “YA FILTHY HOO-WER!” (and if you really hate them, you follow it all up by demanding they replace your drink).
But it looks like everything between Diplo and Taylor was civil. Then again, we don’t know what Taylor is doing with that straw. Sure, she could be sipping a rum and coke. But she could also be sneaking a mouthful of liquid laxative into his drink. Or maybe she’s taking a sip of his drink to see if was made with Diet Coke so she can hit him with a trademark infringement notice. “Yeah, I’m going to have to ask you to cease and desist on that drink…Diet Coke is sort of Taylor Swift’s thing.”
Jeremy Renner’s Ex-Wife Says He Shouldn’t Have Custody Of Their Daughter Because His House Is Full Of Guns
It was really only a matter of time before things started to get messy between Jeremy Renner and his 10-month wife and baby mama Sonni Pacheco. First he knocks up a random ex-girlfriend and marries her. Then she quits his ass 10 months later and claims the prenup she signed is bogus because it’s based on “fraud”. And now, Sonni is saying she should have full-time custody of their 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin because Jeremy’s house is one big gun-filled Rube Goldberg-style baby death trap.
According to TMZ, Sonni and Jeremy currently share joint custody of Ava, but Sonni has recently filed papers asking for primary custody, claiming that Jeremy’s house is filled with BABY DANGER. Sonni says Jeremy has a pool that isn’t fenced in, as well as a gun collection that includes one of the guns being out in the open behind a bar, like he’s Ben Gazzara in Road House or some shit. She also claims Jeremy made $3.5 million in 2014 and has $13 million in assets, and therefore she deserves a ton of child support, $75,000 in attorney’s fees, and $25,000 in other “legal expenses” (ie. repairing the handle on her shovel from digging too hard).
Sonni decided to take her child support drama to court, because she claims the first time she asked Jeremy for child support, Sonni says he told her to “Get a j.o.b“. RUDE! Being a full-time wallet humper is a job, Jeremy. But a source close to Jeremy (hi Kristoffer Winters!) says that Jeremy has totally been handing over child support ever since she quit their marriage, and that this is all just a ploy to snatch more cash from his wallet.
Oh boy. It sounds like Sonni is really going for the gold here and isn’t going to stop until she has a dump truck full of Hawkeye cash making beep-beep noises as it backs into her driveway on the 1st of every month. Meanwhile, Baby Ava is like “Trick, you better buy me another pool with some of that money.“
The 17-year-old aspiring dirtbag wannabe skater girl in me just collapsed on the floor and started sobbing into a pile of Dickies pants and baseball raglans and empty tubes of Fudge Paintbox Pretty Flamingo hair dye, because my pop punk reason for living – Blink-182 – is currently in a bad way. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Blink-182′s Mark Hoppus and tattooed millipede Travis Barker took off their studded bracelets and took several bitchy swipes at Blink-182′s former guitarist Tom DeLonge. And those swipes were especially bitchy, because Tom DeLonge says he wasn’t aware that he had ever quit the band. Ooooh, adult dude drama!
Taylor Swift Might Have Had A Cry-Filled Breakdown Over Jake Gyllenhaal At A Golden Globes Afterparty
Which would make Lorde that friend who strokes her hair while saying “No girl, stop your tears – he ain’t worth it!!!“, I guess?
Even though Taylor Swift has been on a bit of a girl power I-ain’t-need-no-man kick recently, it sounds like she’s still a fragile ball of boy-crazy 13-year-old girl emotions. According to UsWeekly (via Lainey Gossip), the real life Stacey McGill found herself at the same Golden Globes afterparty at the Chateau Marmont on Sunday night with Jake Gyllenhaal, and it got all kinds of dramatic.
A source says that sometime around 2am, Tay Tay was seen freaking out on the dance floor and telling a friend “We have to go, we have to go.” Also on the dance floor? Jakey G, who was busting a move with famous dick enthusiast Rita Ora. The source says Tay Tay ran to the bathroom with a bunch of her friends, including Cara Delevingne, to have a meltdown, and emerged a while later with her eye makeup smudged to hell and pacing around the lobby. Eventually she moved it outside, where she was seen sitting on a bench with Cara’s arm around her.
However, Detective La Lainey has noticed that UsWeekly seems to have updated their original story, and it’s now 100% less like a melodramatic middle school semi-formal. UsWeekly is now saying that several sources claim Tay Tay was totally cool running into Jake. In fact, said “sources” say they saw Tay Tay run up to Jake and give him a big hug, adding that they were smiling and chatting and braiding each others hair and shit.
Hmmm…who to believe, who to believe. The first “source” who says Tay Tay was a blubbering butterscotch mess, or the second “source” who says she was totally cool and whatever about the whole situation? I’m going with the first, but only because the microchip in Taylor’s living doll brain is permanently set to 1960s Teenage Girl, so it would make sense that the second her eyes saw
Judy and Johhny Jakey and Rita Ora, she’d get all “It’s My Party” and start crying. She can’t help it, really.
Here’s more of Tay Tay arriving to the InStyle/WB Golden Globes afterparty with her BFF Lorde, the Haim girls, and the 35-year-old woman who hangs out with them, Jaime King:
As is the tradition in Hollywood when it comes to quitting your long-term piece, it sounds like shit between Chris Rock and his soon-to-be ex-wife Malaak Compton-Rock is starting to get rock-y (oh lord, I’ll show myself out for that one). TMZ says that Chris and Malaak are already fighting over their two daughters, 12-year-old Lola and 10-year-old Zahra. According to the divorce papers filed last Tuesday in New Jersey, Chris says that Malaak has been preventing him from seeing his daughters, and is asking for shared custody.
He also mentions that they signed a pre-nup back in 1996 when they got married, but that it’s expired because they’ve been together for almost 20 years. He also throws in a bit about Malaak having the “ability to work and contribute to her own support“, which kind of sounds like a fancy way of saying he’s not planning on backing a dump truck full of Grown Ups 2 money into her driveway every month.
Not to mention that shortly after Malaak released an amicable-sounding statement to People about their split, TMZ says Chris’ rep responded to it by making sure everyone knew it was Chris Rock who and ONLY Chris Rock who filed those divorce papers.
Its literally been less than 48-hours since
Chris Rock and Malaak Compton-Rock sorry, JUST CHRIS ROCK announced he was quitting his wife, and so far we’ve got custody drama and money drama and who divorced who drama, so I can only imagine what’s next. I’m guessing either Seinfeld DVD collection drama or who gets custody of David Spade drama (“You keep him.” “No, he’s your friend – YOU keep him!“)
“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.”
Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.
Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.
An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!”
I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.”
After spending most of his weekend dragging his on-again off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran on Instragram and hissing “fuck that bitch” during a concert, Chris Brown has decided he’s sowwy for acting like a giant asshole. Earlier today, Chris posted the above picture of himself looking like a shy doll while standing next to some crappy graffiti to Instagram with the following message. WARNING: you might want to open a window, because the bullshit that comes off this statement is very thick and you’ll probably need some fresh air.
“Being young and dumb is one of my strong suits and emotional at best. I love hard and react impulsively when I’m hurt at times. I don’t think social media is a place to air out or hash out personal problems and a nigga feel hella WACK for doing it. So I AM APOLOGIZING I live in a glass house and the same shit that makes me great also is my curse. Everybody know I love that girl. I don’t care how my image my look to the public because I’m still gonna be the best at what I do. I just want baby girl to know I apologize!“
All of that was stupid. Just, beyond stupid. And now might be a good time to mention that all that garbage was written shortly after he took another angry swipe at “baby girl” by posting (then later deleting) a picture of himself with a John Waters moustache (may Divine strike me down from Heaven for that one) with the caption “Cut this Chinese pussy hair off my face lol“. Fun Fact! Chris Brown is a 25-year-old man (never has the use of the word “man” felt so wrong).
Not to be outdone in the drama department, TMZ caught up with Karrueche on a beach in Miami who commented on this dumb high school mess by saying “Don’t believe everything you hear.” And if I remember high school correctly, that means they’re either getting back together or she’s taking Drake to the prom.
If you’re anywhere over the age of 19, this story about melodramatic teenagers hissing at each other on the internet will no doubt make you want to ball up your fists and shout GET OFF MY LAWN, so just giving you a heads up that you might want to prepare a soothing hot water with lemon to calm yourself when it happens.
So some time last year, Abigail Breslin, who you may know as the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine or the little girl from that insane episode of Law & Order: SVU where Lea Thompson tries to kidnap her biological daughter, dated one of the Hot Topic teens from the band 5 Seconds of Summer, Michael Clifford. And then they broke up, because – I don’t know, maybe one of them caught the other one stealing their eyeliner. Cut to four days ago, when Abigail decided to release a Taylor Swift-sounding breakup song called “You Suck“, in which she calls out her ex-boyfriend for not washing his hair, having a “dumb tattoo”, and maybe cheating on her. Whoah – a “dumb tattoo”? SHOTS FIRED.
Abigail also sings that he’ll probably say that she wrote the song because she’s “so obsessed” with him, but Michael just sort of laughed the whole thing off (literally). Unfortunately, Abigail forgot that the person who “sucks” also happens to have an obsessed teen fan army, and they all started dragging Abigail on Twitter: