UPDATE: The drama never ends… Forget what I wrote below about Thomas Markle going to the wedding. He tells TMZ he’s not going because tomorrow morning, surgeons will open him up, clear the blockage in his heart and put in a stent. Thomas also blames his son’s handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge via InTouch Weekly (the one where his son implores PHG to not marry Megan) for his heart attack. I would say that’s that, but we know it isn’t, because we know Meghan’s shitty half-siblings are going to crash the wedding and tackle her for brainwashing their dad against them. Can’t wait!
Send thoughts, prayers, condolences and the lyrics of a Kelly Clarkson song to my toilet, because for the past couple of days, my body has been possessed by some evil stomach flu (or food poisoning) devil. It’s obvious that the British royal family sent James Bond to California to sprinkle salmonella in the fried chicken I had on Mother’s Day dinner so that I’d be too busy having an exorcism in my bathroom to write about the family drama messiness going down around the royal wedding. Yes, that makes 100% sense!
When I last wrote about the royal wedding situation that’s even messier than the current state of my insides, Thomas Markle told TMZ that he’s not walking Meghan Markle down the aisle this Saturday because he’s not going to London. Thomas Markle claimed he had a heart attack last week, but something called a “serious medical emergency” wasn’t the reason why he wasn’t going to the wedding. Thomas was embarrassed after getting caught taking staged pap pics. Now he’s telling his new best friends at TMZ that he is planning to go to the royal wedding even though his heart isn’t in it. And I’m talking about in a medical way, because he’s apparently having more heart trauma.
Damon Wayans has finally spoken about his now-former co-star Lethal Weapon co-star Clayne Crawford. And here’s what we know: if Hollywood gave out awards for excellence in promoting a project, Damon would have been a shoo-in to win Best at Faking It. Because now we know that any enthusiasm Damon might have had for working with Clayne was as fake as Clayne’s name.
Meghan Markle’s Father Isn’t Going To The Wedding Anymore Because He Doesn’t Want To Embarrass The Royals
THE QUEEN just summoned Prince George to her throne room and ordered one of her ladies-in-waiting to pop them some popcorn, because they’re going to sit back and get into this soap opera drama that doesn’t involve their own family for once.
Last week, the British tabloids published pics of Meghan Markle’s dad, Thomas Markle, running all sorts of pre-royal wedding errands in Rosarito, Mexico, where he lives. Thomas was papped looking at tourist books about Britain and reading up on his future son-in-law at an internet cafe. The pics couldn’t have been more staged if he was fake crying on a random chair in the middle of the sidewalk over the shitty reviews about his music video. It was obvious to anyone with a tiny dollop of sense that Thomas posed for the pics, but The Daily Mail just had to call him out (after publishing those pics themselves), and they posted surveillance footage from the internet cafe of him setting the shots up with a pap. And now Thomas Markle is telling TMZ that he’s not going to walk Meghan down the aisle because he’s not going to the wedding. And he says he just had a heart attack! Any second now, I’m sure Meghan’s estranged half-brother Thomas Markle Jr. will hit up the tabloids to see if they want to buy another open letter where he begs the royal family to charge her with attempted murder since she’s obviously the cause of all this messiness.
Back in March, Sanaa Lathan suddenly found herself with a bee target on her back after Tiffany Haddish told a story about a mysterious famous actress who allegedly bit Beyoncé’s face at a party. Tiffany couldn’t say who it was, thanks to Beyoncé’s love of a tight NDA. Tiffany would only say that the actress was trying to get wth Jay-Z, and that the biting culprit was “on drugs.” The theory with the most alleged evidence backing it up was that the biter was Sanaa Lathan.
At the time, Sanaa denied it, and said if there was any bite it was a “love bite.” Sanaa recently spoke about it with Health, and you can throw that love bite alibi out the window, because she says her involvement is a big old lie.
When it was revealed a couple days ago that Miranda “What wedding ring?” Lambert was currently hooking up with a guy who still technically has a wife, I figured it was only a matter of time before said wife popped up and offered her thoughts on the situation. Country musician Evan Felker reportedly got with Miranda when his band, the Turnpike Troubadors, opened for her on tour at the beginning of February. On February 16th, he filed for divorce from his wife Staci Felker. Staci has finally come forward with a comment on the matter.
Spanish royals: They’re just like us! They too get into awkward, pursed-lips fights with their family members on Easter as your cousin films it all hoping that fists will fly because he’s always wanted to be on World Star. But instead of a cousin filming the Spanish royal tiff on Easter Sunday, the press did. Remind me to ask my mom how to say, “How uncouth!“, in Spanish.
THE QUEEN of England would never allow the cameras to capture a messy family scene. If she has a problem with a family member (mostly Prince Charles), she waits until the cameras are gone until she gives him 50 lashes with her pocketbook. But LA REINA of Spain (aka Queen Letizia, who is in the polka dot blouse) doesn’t give half a caca about people seeing a messy moment between her and her mother-in-law.