“Wheee! Isn’t this fun? Say it with me: this is fun. This is fun. More fun than mom. What? Did I say mom? That was weird and totally unintentional.”
If reading about Gwyneth Paltrow’s ~so~ perfect relationship with her ex-husband yesterday made you gag and think “God, doesn’t ANYBODY hate their exes anymore?“, I have good news for you. Madonna still hates Guy Ritchie with the fire of 1000 burning anal warts. UsWeekly says Madonna hates him so much, she’s pulled out her pointin’ finger and accused her ex-cunt of trying to brainwash their son, Rocco Ritchie.
Even though a judge ordered him to pack his bags and return to his mama’s house six weeks ago, Rocco is still living with his dad in London, because Rocco doesn’t want shit to do with Madonna. Madonna’s original theory about Runaway Rocco was that Guy had been talking shit about her for years to their son in an attempt to recruit him onto Team Your Mom Sucks. Now she thinks he’s been doing more than just casually rolling his eyes and muttering “wanker” under his breath.
A source close to Madonna says she thinks Guy has been trying to brainwash Rocco before their next custody hearing, which is happening today. Guy has apparently been pushing the hard sell on Rocco by constantly telling him he should be living in London and not with his mom in New York. The source also claims Guy has taken a Kris Jenner approach to education by telling Rocco he can pretty much drop out any time he wants because school is for fools. Madonna isn’t a fan of quitting and wants him to stay in school. Again, she thinks he might be encouraging Rocco to drop out as a form of attempted brainwashing.
As for how Madonna is taking it all, the source says she feels “incredibly hurt” and that the situation is “really horrible.” Basically, on a scale of Desperately Seeking Susan to Shanghai Surprise, it’s a Swept Away.
So to recap: Guy’s brainwashing technique includes aggressively talking trash about Rocco’s mom, isolating Rocco from his mom, and encouraging him to drop out of school. I think the Church of Scientology’s recruitment club just found its latest guest speaker.
Here’s more of Guy and his son (“Son? More like hostage!!!” hollered Madonna) riding around London on their bikes over the weekend.
And no, I’m not talking about those Rode Hard™ by Lindsay Lohan hair extensions she’s wearing in the picture above. At least I don’t think hair extensions are one of the reasons for why Madonna is currently going through some custody shit with her 15-year-old son, Rocco Ritchie. So far, we know that Rocco’s hiatus from the queen of the cool moms might have something to do with Madonna’s Instagram account and that she treated him like a trophy and that her house is a macrobiotic hellhole. Now TMZ is saying that Madonna’s busted relationship with her son has a lot to do with Madonna’s busted relationship with her son’s daddy, Guy Ritchie.
Rocco is currently living with his dad in London, which – according to Madonna – is also the headquarters for Guy’s Madonna Is The WORST club. A source says that Madonna believes that Guy has been talking shit about her to Rocco for years, and that’s the reason Rocco started hating her ass. Madonna and Guy started fighting over Rocco shortly after they called it quits back in 2008, and apparently they continued to drag each other via their kid for the past eight years.
Meanwhile, Madonna took a break from posting throwback pics of Rocco on Instagram to talk about the real-life Not Without My Daughter remake (possible title: I Want Nothing To Do With Ma Donna) happening in her life right now. During a concert in Mexico City on Wednesday night, Madonna targeted the muscles in her face responsible for releasing tears and thanked her fans for giving her strength during a “challenging” time in her life.
Madonna doesn’t get into specifics, but I think we can all assume she isn’t referring to the difficulty of rooting through her external hard drives for more old pictures of Rocco for Instagram.
Speaking of, if you’ve forgotten what current-day Rocco looks like, here he is riding around London with his dad earlier today. I’m not sure why they’re both dressed like they’re on their way to an audition for the part of “two dudes hired by Jez Quigley to steal televisions” on a late-90s episode of Coronation Street, but here we are.
I hope you saved your transfer, because we’re all getting back on Kelly Rutherford’s Dramatic Custody Fight Express. Last week, a judge ordered Kelly Rutherford’s kids, Hermes and Helena, to pack their tiny rolling suitcases and return to Monaco to be with their dad, Daniel Giersch, after a visit with mommy that turned a little too Lifetime-y. Basically, H & H were supposed to go home, and Kelly didn’t want to return them. I assumed that after Grandma Giersch came to collect Kelly’s kids, Kelly went home, looked in a mirror, and asked herself “Damn, what is happening, girl?“, because, you know, that would be the reasonable thing to do.
But she didn’t do that. According to Page Six, Kelly marched right back into the courthouse and hour later and filed a federal lawsuit demanding the return of her children. And about 0.003 seconds after she did that, a judge took her lawsuit and dumped it in the trash. Apparently, Kelly’s custody problems belong in the state system, and not the federal system. You know, you’d think she would know where to file her “GIVE ME BACK MY KIDS!!!!” forms by now.
To make matters messier, Page Six says legal experts have told them that filing that lawsuit probably boned up her chances of getting her kids back. That, and hustling her Lifetime story of a child custody battle on morning television.
“By not abiding by, by constantly trumpeting whatever she thinks is being done to her in every court, using every vehicle available to her from congressional briefings to Good Morning America, she’s done herself no favors.”
Forget about this legal expert – what does Kelly’s gorgeous Tussaudian (that’s a word, right?) lawyer, Wendy Murphy, have to say about all this?!? I don’t know if I can wait all of two days till she and Kelly appear on another morning show. You’re right, I need to be patient; waiting for the booking agent to return your calls can take time.
I feel like every time I write about this disaster of a case, I have to repeat the history of it for those of you who don’t know. Well, if you don’t know and care, you can read an easy-to-read and pretty comprehensive rundown of the case at Jezebel, or just watch a car crash compilation video on YouTube since that pretty much sums it up.
Yesterday, Manhattan court judge Ellen Frances Gesmer ordered for Kelly Rutherford’s kids to be put on a plane back to Monaco to be with their father Daniel Giersch. Kelly’s children were staying with her in NYC for the summer and she was supposed to return them to Europe last week. She didn’t, so she was dragged into a Manhattan courtroom where Judge Ellen refused to hear anything she had to say and turned the children over to Daniel’s mother who took them back home to Monaco. Daniel’s lawyer said that the entire scene was calm and civil. Daniel’s lawyer claims that the children, Hermes and Helena, kissed their mom goodbye before joining their memaw.
But in a statement she released today, Kelly makes it sound like her kids were screaming and crying as police officers tasered them, handcuffed them and threw them into a paddy wagon. Kelly says that Judge Ellen basically arrested her kids and that the judge is the one who should be put into handcuffs for committing child abuse. Kelly says that it was the cruelest act against a child she’s ever seen. I guess Kelly doesn’t know that Pete Wentz named his kid Saint Lazslo, because that’s a real cruel act against an innocent child.
While writing her statement, Kelly brought the drama right out of the gate:
I’d say that I’m shocked to learn that things got even more dramatic after Bobbi Kristina Brown’s already very dramatic funeral, but…that would be a lie. And I’m far too bloated from all the cream-covered fruit fermenting in my stomach from yesterday’s National Raspberry Cream Pie Day festivities to be nothing less than totally honest with myself.
A “source” (Bobbi Kristina’s loudmouth aunt Leolah Brown, probably) tells TMZ that Bobby Brown’s wife Alicia Etheredge was rushed to the hospital after suffering a seizure shortly after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral in Atlanta yesterday. Alicia, who gave birth to Bobby’s baby less than a month ago, had just returned to her hotel when it happened. Alicia was taken to the hospital in an ambulance, and she was apparently able to walk when she arrived. TMZ says Bobby B was with her.
Speaking of Aunt Leolah, remember how she had to be escorted out of Bobbi Kristina’s funeral yesterday because she was acting the fool? Well, Bobbi Kristina’s cousin Meeta Brown would like you to know that Leolah Brown is “crazy.” Meeta talked to the paps after Bobbi Kristina’s funeral (you know, as one does) and spilled the T about Aunt Leolah. According to Meeta Brown’s repeated use of the word “crazy“, combined with her constantly rolling eyes and chronic “I can’t with her” face, Aunt Leolah is a mess. She also claimed that the Browns and the Houstons don’t hate each other. Yuh huh. Sure.
But back to Alicia Etheredge. It’s awful that she spent her post-funeral time in the hospital and not back in her hotel room eating snacks from the mini-fridge while watching a Flip or Flop marathon until she felt less sad (aka how I cheer up after a sad day). Especially for something as scary as a seizure. But I guess the silver lining here is that she no longer had to deal with Aunt Leolah. I don’t even know if they were staying in the same hotel, but it doesn’t matter; Aunt Leolah totally sounds like the type to find your room and bang on your door at 3am asking in a whispered yell if you have any extra towels.
Back in April, Lil Wayne (seen above at a party a few years ago with Birdman, which is…awkward) was leaving a show in Atlanta when two white cars pulled up and opened fire on each of his two tour buses. Nobody was hurt during the shootout, but the police were still contacted. About a month later, police arrested a guy named Jimmy Winfrey for going all Bonnie and Clyde on Wayne’s buses. As it turns out, Jimmy used to be the road manager for rapper Young Thug. Fun Fact: Young Thug and Lil Wayne hate each other.
For those of you who have ever read a story about Tyga and his not-yet-legal teenage girlfriend Kylie Jenner and thought to your disgusting self, “I really wish I knew what this guy’s dick looks like,” it’s your lucky day.
According to B. Scott, Kylie Jenner’s 25-year-old boyfriend has allegedly been offering up his dick to a 29-year-old transgender actress and model named Mia Isabella. At least he’s cheating on Kylie with someone who is legally old enough for him, right? According to a “source” (nice to meet you, Mia Isabella!), Tyga has been seeing Mia Isabella for 3 years now. The source alleges they got together shortly after Tyga called it quits with Blac Chyna, and they might have a sex tape together. The source claims they’ve made plans as recently as a few weeks ago to see each other.
Naturally, Tyga and Mia Isabella have a plan if anyone ever catches them together. They claim that she’s a “fashion stylist” and they have a business relationship. And I’m sure Kylie would believe him if he told her he’s spending all his extra time and money on a stylist since “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap” is practically the Kardashian family motto.
Okay, on to the subject of Tyga’s dick. The same source who squealed to B. Scott about Tyga’s alleged affair with Mia Isabella provided screen shots of text messages between the two as proof. Two of the screen shots are, you guessed it, pictures of Tyga’s dick. The NSFW pics are after the jump.
The most traumatic Uber experience I suffered through (Yes, I “suffered!”) was the time the driver played an Imagine Dragons song over and over again and sang along the entire time. Courtney Love’s most traumatic Uber experience happened today in Paris. Not only was it her scariest Uber experience, but it was the “scariest” experience of her life! She must’ve forgot about the times she saved a dying Kelly Osbourne’s life, looked at herself in the mirror while done up like this, etc…
Taxi drivers are currently protesting against Uber in France and Courtney found herself in the middle of it. In a series of posts on Instagram and Twitter, Courtney said that she was in an Uber coming from the airport when protesters surrounded the car and took her hostage for two hours. They hit the Uber she was in, as well as other Ubers, with metal bats and lit tires on fire.
Because OF COURSE they are! I’m going to be 92 years old and still reading shit like “Guess who got into a messy screaming match during a shuffleboard game last night?” So, remember that time a few weeks ago when Chris Brown followed his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran to a club, crawled into her car, and showed up to her house at 3:30am screaming? Well, they’re still not done fighting about that.
According to E!, it all started right after Chris Brown heard about a recent interview Karrueche did with Access Hollywood, in which she discussed the status of their relationship. Chris responded to it the only way he knows how: by dragging her on Instagram.
Yesterday, Nicki Minaj’s ex-boyfriend Safaree Samuels (aka the guy wearing my 83-year-old neighbor’s favorite Friday night bingo jacket in the picture above) released a song called “Love The Most“, and surprise surprise, it was filled with plenty of poo-scented air kisses aimed at his former girlfriend. Safaree came hard for Nicki; he accused her of treating him like shit, cheating on him, refusing to get knocked up with a little Safaree Jr., and getting engaged to Meek Mill so quickly after they broke up. In the event that you really want to listen to Safaree crying about how Nicki Minaj did him dirty, you can listen to it here.
Nicki could have responded to Safaree’s dramatics by borrowing from Rihanna by miming a bored wave, but the NY Daily News says she decided to drag him on Twitter. The tweets, half of which have since been deleted, say pretty much exactly what you think they’d say – that she’s fucking over it. Oh, and also that she hasn’t quit her engagement to Meek Mill, so you don’t have to return that toaster you bought her as a wedding present.