The most traumatic Uber experience I suffered through (Yes, I “suffered!”) was the time the driver played an Imagine Dragons song over and over again and sang along the entire time. Courtney Love’s most traumatic Uber experience happened today in Paris. Not only was it her scariest Uber experience, but it was the “scariest” experience of her life! She must’ve forgot about the times she saved a dying Kelly Osbourne’s life, looked at herself in the mirror while done up like this, etc…
Taxi drivers are currently protesting against Uber in France and Courtney found herself in the middle of it. In a series of posts on Instagram and Twitter, Courtney said that she was in an Uber coming from the airport when protesters surrounded the car and took her hostage for two hours. They hit the Uber she was in, as well as other Ubers, with metal bats and lit tires on fire.
Because OF COURSE they are! I’m going to be 92 years old and still reading shit like “Guess who got into a messy screaming match during a shuffleboard game last night?” So, remember that time a few weeks ago when Chris Brown followed his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran to a club, crawled into her car, and showed up to her house at 3:30am screaming? Well, they’re still not done fighting about that.
According to E!, it all started right after Chris Brown heard about a recent interview Karrueche did with Access Hollywood, in which she discussed the status of their relationship. Chris responded to it the only way he knows how: by dragging her on Instagram.
Yesterday, Nicki Minaj’s ex-boyfriend Safaree Samuels (aka the guy wearing my 83-year-old neighbor’s favorite Friday night bingo jacket in the picture above) released a song called “Love The Most“, and surprise surprise, it was filled with plenty of poo-scented air kisses aimed at his former girlfriend. Safaree came hard for Nicki; he accused her of treating him like shit, cheating on him, refusing to get knocked up with a little Safaree Jr., and getting engaged to Meek Mill so quickly after they broke up. In the event that you really want to listen to Safaree crying about how Nicki Minaj did him dirty, you can listen to it here.
Nicki could have responded to Safaree’s dramatics by borrowing from Rihanna by miming a bored wave, but the NY Daily News says she decided to drag him on Twitter. The tweets, half of which have since been deleted, say pretty much exactly what you think they’d say – that she’s fucking over it. Oh, and also that she hasn’t quit her engagement to Meek Mill, so you don’t have to return that toaster you bought her as a wedding present.
I hope Bobby Flay isn’t getting too attached to his title of Messiest Public Divorce, because he might soon have to hand it over to WNBA players Glory Johnson and Brittney Griner. Take a look at that picture of Glory and Brittney on their wedding day back in May, because it’s going to come in very handy for when you say “Well, that escalated quickly” later.
Things started out OK. Brittney asked Glory to marry her back in August, and in January, they appeared on Say Yes To The Dress. Then it began to get all sorts of bad for Brittney and Glory a few weeks before their wedding. On April 22nd, Brittney and Glory got into a brawl at their home in Arizona that ended with both of them getting arrested for domestic violence. Brittney plead guilty to disorderly conduct and was ordered to complete a 26 week domestic violence counseling program (Glory’s case is still pending). Then two weeks later, Brittney and Glory were like “Fight? What fight?” and got married at the delicious-sounding Tapatio Cliffs Resort Phoenix on May 8th.
Then on June 4th, Glory announced that will be taking this season off because she’s knocked-up with a baby. Which is great, right? Not exactly. The day after Glory announced she’s got a tiny basketball in her net (I don’t know what that means), TMZ says Brittney filed for an annulment on their 28-day marriage. Brittney is claiming the marriage was based on “fraud and duress“, adding that Glory “pressured” her into marriage with “threatening statements.” Brittney also pulled a Sherri Shepherd by claiming she has no biological connection to the baby living in Glory’s womb.
Glory has responded to all this by posting (then deleting) an inspirational quote about “unperfect people” on Instragram. Maybe that’s part of the fraud Brittney was talking about? “Your honor, I was lead to believe I was marrying someone who didn’t use made-up words like unperfect.”
According to TMZ, Chris Brown spent most of last night proving he’s still as awful as ever by getting into a loud screaming match with his ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran outside her house at 3am. Yeah, someone should inform Chris Brown that that’s not typically how you win someone back.
The tragic tale of unrequited douche love began last night when Chris Brown decided to show up to a club he knew Karreuche would be at in his new Lamborghini. He then got a VIP table next to hers, something she wasn’t having, so she decided to leave. That’s when Chris Brown decided to follow her and her friends outside and get into their car, abandoning his Lamborghini. “Uh…he only pulls that shit with cars, right?” thought the mother of Chris Brown’s baby. You can see Chris sort of push his way in and hear someone tell him to “Get out of the car” around the 0:54 mark below.
Sadly, he didn’t get very far; “sources” say Karrueche was pissed off at him and dumped his ass at a friend’s house on the way home. Then around 3:30am, Karrueche had a Say Anything moment when she heard some noise outside her house and saw Chris Brown standing there. Except instead of holding a boombox playing “In Your Eyes“, he was screaming like a raged-up maniac and slamming his fists against her door.
Karrueche wouldn’t let Chris Brown inside, and eventually the police showed up. But they didn’t charge Chris Brown with anything, because he hadn’t really committed a crime. Once they left, Karrueche agreed to meet Chris at a diner so they could talk. Naturally, the screaming kept on going at the diner, so Karrueche left and went home.
There’s so much of this story that is a damn MESS, but the messiest part to me is what happened in the diner. Chris did that diner dirty. A 24-hour diner is a place for stuffing as many eggs and toasts and syrup-soaked pancakes into your mouth as possible in an attempt to prevent the next-level hangover you’re going to get the next day, not for screaming at your ex. RUDE!
Here’s Chris following Karrueche out of the club last night. I will say this: I am feeling Karrueche’s Guns N’ Roses out-of-town groupie couture.
Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?” John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.
According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:
“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”
They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.
Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.
Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:
I really wanted to Photoshop Bobby Flay and Stephanie March onto a Kramer vs. Kramer poster with a picture of their horse in the middle, but I decided against it because I’m sure that horse wants nothing to do with this nonsense. Just when you think Bobby Flay and Stephanie March’s prenup drama couldn’t get any more fucky (see: that time Bobby brought Stephanie’s fake boobies into it), TMZ says they’re now fighting over a racehorse. A racehorse! How terribly rich of them. What’s next, a custody battle over the automatic caviar dispenser?
The reason they’ve dragged the horse into their messy divorce is this: Stephanie claims Bobby gave her a racehorse back in 2009 for their 4th anniversary. The horse, Dad’s Crazy (who is no doubt considering changing his name to Mom and Dad is Crazy as we speak), was good at being a racehorse and had won about $130,000 during his horse racing career. Eventually, Bobby decided to sell Dad’s Crazy for $60,000. Stephanie says she’s never seen any of Dad’s Crazy’s $130,000 winnings, nor a dime from the $60,000 sale, and she wants the money from her horsie, dammit!
Bobby says yes, the horse was registered in Stephanie’s name, but that’s it. He also claims he doesn’t have any of the $190,000 Dad’s Crazy made. Uh huh, sure. Someone better go check Alfred E. Neuman’s house to see if he’s holding 190 Fage-smeared stacks for his shady second cousin.
I know Stephanie is hungry for Bobby’s Food Network chef cash, but it’s getting pretty obvious that Guy Fieri has a better chance of cooking something edible than Bobby wrapping up a couple million and handing it over to his soon-to-be ex-wife. If Stephanie was smart, she’d take a cue from Law & Order and yank a #getmoneybitch story straight from the headlines. For example: we’re all familiar with the “I spilled hot coffee on myself, now give me a million dollars please” con, right? All Stephanie has to do is walk into one of Bobby’s restaurants, claim she burnt her mouth on a scalding hot chorizo, and threaten to sue his ass for $12 million in mouth damages. There, problem solved!
While his leprechaun relatives back home are spending the day chugging celebratory cans of Guinness in honor of Ireland giving the thumbs up to same-sex marriage, the leprechaun chef of New York Bobby Flay is still frantically trying to keep his pot of gold away from his soon-to-be ex-wife Stephanie March.
Last week it was reported that Stephanie was trying to get the prenup she signed back in 2005 thrown in the trash because she claimed she was owed a bunch of money from Bobby for tasting his food and making an iPod playlist for his restaurants. According to TMZ, Stephanie has also added that she felt she was owed more money than they prenup provided ($5,000 a month) because she was frequently sick and couldn’t work. Stephanie says she had a burst appendix and 3 deep infections that prevented her from adding credits to her IMDB page.
But Bobby swatted back at Stephanie’s attempt to #getmoneybitch by telling a judge her infections were the result of a bad boob job, and therefore, not his problem. He sort of played the same hand fellow Food Network chef Guy Fieri plays when someone gets the barfs after eating his gross food; sort of a “It’s not my fault you ate something called Donkey Sauce” angle. Of course, Stephanie kept the drama going by claiming that Bobby’s alleged cheating have “compromised her health and mental state.”
a cracker Mario Batali’s Crocs, this divorce is getting all kinds of dirty, and it sounds like it’s never going to end. Really, the only way I can see this being settled is if they take this mess to Chopped and let Ted Allen and not-the-one Chopped judge Aarón Sánchez decide who is less of a mess. Your mystery basket ingredients are: a prenup, a print out of sexts between Bobby Flay and a Food Network intern, an apron that smells like chorizo, the saline from a leaky breast implant, and a tub of Fage yogurt. You have thirty minutes to prepare an argument for the judges for why you deserve money. And GO!
If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.
One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.
A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:
Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:
You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.
It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”
And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.
Because Hollywood is basically high school and the Met Gala is basically the prom (the Oscars are really more of an awards ceremony celebrating outstanding achievement in awesomeness or student council elections), it shouldn’t be surprising that one of the cool girls would have one of the desperate wannabes banned from her afterparty. According to The Sun (via The Mirror), Rihanna had her low-budget equivalent Rita Ora banned from her Met Gala afterparty. Looks like we can cross Rita Ora’s name off the list of possible “sources” who saw Bradley Cooper making out with Irina Shayk.
A “source” says that when it came time to make out the guest list for her party, Princess Ooh Na Na made it very clear that her future Legends In Concert look-alike wouldn’t be getting an invitation and that she shouldn’t be let in under any circumstances. The source then went on to add that RiRi “has a real issue with Rita and this was her chance for revenge.” Not only did RiRi deny RitRit a spot on the guest list, she also made things awkward with Rita and Cara Delevingne. Rita and Cara used to be friends, but she’s apparently Rihanna’s friend now.
However, a source close to Rita (so, basically Rita) claims that Rita never planned on going to RiRi’s party because she was going to one hosted by Lady Gaga. That sound you just heard was the entire world shouting “Sure, Jan.”
There’s a million reasons why RiRi would have denied RitRit’s ass, but the most obvious one is that you don’t need two Rihannas at the same party! That’s like going to a 5-year-old’s birthday party and seeing two Elsas. Just pick the better Elsa.
Here’s the Sindy to RiRi’s Barbie leaving Lady Gaga’s afterparty on Monday night. Apparently RitRit has replaced Cara Delevingne with Sienna Miller. Upgrade!