Even though that’s the kind of ice-cold stare that says “Well, technically I am, but you’ll never know about it until a delivery van pulls up to your house with an old busted stationary bike from the 80s and an envelope taped to the seat containing the cut-up pieces of your SoulCycle membership card and the words ‘This is your cycle now, bitch’ scrawled in Sharpie on a VHS copy of Mighty Joe Young.”
Earlier this week it was reported that some Hollywood actress named Charlize Theron was trying to get WB Legend Tia Mowry banned from her SoulCycle class after Tia told everyone the story about the time Charlize was an Academy Award-winning eye-rolling Grade-A cunt to her. However, E! says that a source close to Charlize (Sean Penn’s talking beef jerky balls) claims the South African earth angel would NEVER, and that the rumor that she’s trying to strong-arm SoulCycle into making one-half of Sister, Sister disappear “is totally fabricated and completely not true.”
The source then added: “Charlize would never deny a nobody who was famous 20 years ago the opportunity to pretend to ride a bike beside one of the greatest living actresses of our time. It’s just not true. Charlize is a humanitarian. Why just last week she bought Cody from Step-by-Step a juice.”
I know that this source claims Charlize is cool with Tia and nobody’s trying to get anybody banned from SoulCycle and bla bla bla, but if I were Tia, I’d be suspicious the next time Rita from Arrested Development waves her over and invites her to take a seat on the bike next to hers. Don’t do it, Tia! There’s probably a bolt missing or the tension is all fucked up! It’s probably best she starts bringing that genius brother of hers along to her SoulCycle classes from now on to inspect all the bikes for Oscar-scented sabotage. If anyone can sniff out a shady bitch, it’s Teddy from Full House!
Dancing With The Has-Beens resident toe-tapping man slut Maksim Chmerkovskiy threw some hunky shade at his former BFFTXDUP (best friend forever till Xenu do us part) Kirstie Alley on the Watch What Happens Live after show on Tuesday. During a call-in segment, Maks was asked if Kirstie ever tried to slip him some barley water and lure him to the dark side in an attempt to convert him to Scientology. Even though his eyes said “Yes, and there are still white windowless vans following my ass around and people digging through my garbage and Tommy Girl won’t stop calling me”, his mouth said no, which led Andy Cohen to ask if he gets along well with Scientology’s Spanxed High Priestess. Maksim answered:
“Until recently. She stopped getting along with me. I think the world of her. I’m not judging people by their religion. I’m Jewish, and you know, I don’t really believe in science fiction, but whatever. We had a great relationship. I thought we had a great relationship, and if it was something else or not, I don’t know. But I got a message that now that I’m associating with other people that she can’t be associated with, I am no longer to be spoken with, and sorry, but that is what it is.”
Maks didn’t have to name names, since anyone with a busted E-meter for a brain knew that the usurper in question is Leah Remini. Leah escaped the clutches of Scientology last year, and her picture has been on Kirstie Alley’s dartboard ever since. But what’s the connection to Maks and Leah? Maks has just entered a
PR contract totally sincere relationship with Jennifer Lopez, who just happens to be BFFs with Leah Remini.
So Kirstie, who’s clearly a 15-year-old high school bitch trapped in the body of a 63-year-old Spanxed marshmallow, found out that one of her friends is dating the best friend of a girl she’s in a fight with. So how does Kirstie tell Maks that she’s done with his ass? The same way most 15-year-old girls deliver messages: Maks says he found out via message through a friend. I can just picture it now: John Travolta marches up to Maks in the cafeteria, slaps him across the face, hisses “That’s a message from my gurl Kirstie, you backstabbing skank!”, then secretly slips Maks his number while giggling “OMG! Call me sometime?”
Here’s Maks’s girlfriend JLo and her best friend Leah out shopping in Hollywood yesterday. I bet Kirstie and John have already printed out these pictures and glued them into the Burn Book.
Pics: Fame Flynet
Oh the trials and tribulations of a jealous toddler. Justin Bieber is apparently pouting in his treehouse with a Wizards of Waverly Place doll because he thinks Selena Gomez has replaced his bratty ass. According to UK’s Star (via Radar), Justin doesn’t really care that Selena might be humping on Jessica Szohr’s former fuck buddy; he’s actually more upset that she’s spending so much time with well-known coochie wrangler and model Cara Delevingne. A insider claims that Justin’s Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone hasn’t taken a break since Cara entered the picture, because that nosy little toddler is spending his nap times ringing her up and bitching her out for attempting to take his place as Selena’s butchy blonde tatted-up kewpie doll-looking bottom bitch:
“Justin has called Cara on more than one occasion, wanting to know what’s going on. It’s been clear that he’s had a drink beforehand, too.”
Today’s image of greatness comes from that wonderful insider, who just made me picture a surly Justin Bieber sitting in the dark in a Blue’s Clues chair, swirling sizzurp in a brandy snifter and hissing into the phone: “WHORE! You’re nothing but bushy-eyebrowed British TRASH! She doesn’t love you!“, then slamming the receiver down and screaming “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SELENA!”
That bratty skidmark is probably just pissed off that Selena managed to find a prettier version of him. Cara has nicer hair, better abs, softer skin, is potty trained, orders off the adult menu when they go out to restaurants, doesn’t get scared when she hears thunder. Hell, I’m sure she could grow a better moustache if she tried (if she needs any tips on managing facial hair, she could probably call up her ex, Michelle Rodriguez, who seems to know her way around a beard situation).
Here’s more of a sans-Cara Selena strolling around Hollywood looking like both a budget Vanessa Hudgens and a high-end Kylie Jenner. No, you’re right – comparing her to the Marla Hooch-looking Jenner is incorrect; Selena is obviously more of a Betty Spaghetti:
“Hope you like magic tricks bitch, ’cause I’m about to make you disappear” – Beyoncé, as she presses the panic button concealed in her right hand to summon The Beygency in a windowless white van.
The messy family drama between Basement Baby, Jay Z, and HER MAJESTY BEYONCÉ just keeps getting messier and more dramatic. In the wake of the release of the post-Met Gala elevator security camera footage of Basement Baby going all Homey D. Clown on her brother-in-law, Solange has wiped her Instagram account clean of every picture of Beyoncé, except for one that was taken over a year ago. Meanwhile, Bey has left up a picture of a prayer she posted to Instagram shortly after the Met Gala about asking god to help her choose her friends wisely and to get rid of bad influences and bla bla bla. Passive-aggressive fighting on Instagram, eh? Some bitches truly never leave middle school.
But Basement Baby’s elevator brawl wasn’t her only fight that night. According to Us Weekly, Basement also got into it with designer Rachel Roy, saying she started yelling at a group of people that included Roy, who’s ex-husband Damon Dash used to be BFFs with Jay Z before the two had a falling out. They say that Beyoncé also got in the middle of it, but nobody knows why Basement started fighting with Rachel Roy in the first place. So basically, Basement Baby spent her evening at the Met Gala fighting bitches like an angry drunk chick at a high school prom.
And just like everyone predicted they would, Beyoncé and Jay Z did some damage control by making an appearance at the Nets game Monday night as Perfect Couple™ Bey & Jay. Look at those smiles! I almost believe them; good job, you two! You can barely tell that Beyoncé is mentally calculating how much time Basement Baby will require in the Re-Beyducation chamber as punishment for her insolence.
And now we know that Jay-Z’s got 99 problems and Basement Baby is all of them.
TMZ posted an ESCANDALO video of Basement Baby re-enacting the Tina Turner limo scene from What’s Love Got To Do With It? in an elevator at The Standard Hotel in NYC after the Met Gala last week. A millisecond after Beyonce, Jay-Z and Basement Baby get into the elevator, BB burns Beyonce’s weave glue by kicking, punching and losing her mind on Jay-Z. I know, it’s weird seeing a woman whoop Jay-Z’s ass for a change. A big ass bodyguard tries to hold Basement Baby back, but when he you take Basement Baby out of the basement she goes nuts and he can’t control her ass. Meanwhile, BeyonceBot just stands there like, “I’m not about to fuck up my makeup, nails, dress and weave over this shit.” Jay-Z must’ve turned her off before they got into the elevator, because bitch barely blinks while her sister goes full “Sharon Stone in Casino” on Jay-Z’s ass.
TMZ also points out that the bodyguard hits the emergency break so the doors won’t open up and give everyone a Basement Baby Beat Down Show. TMZ doesn’t say what went down, but I’m guessing Jay-Z told her she looked like a Fraggle Rock Diana Ross.
Surprisingly, BeyonceBot didn’t hit the basement button on the elevator and tell Basement Baby, “This is your stop.” They all came out of the hotel together and while BeyonceBot put on a manufactured fake ass smile while getting into a car with Jay-Z, Basement Baby had the look of rage in her eyes as she got into a different car. This is what happens when Basement Baby leaves the basement and I love it.
But seriously, Basement Baby, you in danger, girl. The Beygency and Illuminati’s coming for you. I fully expect Beyonce to release a statement saying that Basement Baby has checked into the basement of Promises Malibu to deal with rage issues caused by freebasing moth balls. Jay-Z will issue his own statement saying that he’s glad he could help Basement Baby get her first hit in years.
UPDATE: TMZ has an extended cut version, because of course they do. Three full minutes of THE RAGE OF BASEMENT BABY including her shit flying everywhere when she throws her purse at him. There goes her allowance for the month.
All together now, “Hate in an elevator, livin’ it up while Jay-Z’s doing down!”
Glee’s current ratings are at an all-time low, but they’ll raise higher than what Lea Michele thinks of herself if they turned the cameras around and gave us the backstage fuckery that’s supposedly going down. Over the past couple of months, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about how Lea Michele and Chris Colfer are in cahoots and have been working together to push Naya Rivera and Darren Criss off of the show. There’s been more backstabbing and diva theatrics than what happens backstage at the Queen of Scientology pageant (you know what I’m talking about, Tommy Girl and Travolta!). TMZ says that on Tuesday, the drama between Barbra Streisand’s second Wednesday matinee standby and Kim Kardashian’s klone got so bad that one of them was kicked off of the set.
Team Naya claims that Lea held up production when she stepped away from the set to deal with personal crap. After the cast and crew waited around for a while, Naya went to the producers to bitch to them that Lea is a lit matchstick shoved up everyone’s asshole. They’re all over her shit. Lea heard about Naya’s talk with the producers and dramatically exited stage left and never came back to the set.
But Team Lea has a different story. They say that Lea and Naya weren’t even shooting scenes together and she didn’t know that Kim Kartrashian’s badly-made wax figure complained about her. Team Lea says that Naya was kicked off of the set. The source also claims that Naya was fired. Team Naya denies she was given BYE BITCH walking papers.
To add another layer of ESCANDALO to this mess, Blind Gossip posted a blind item on Tuesday about a TV actress who broke up with her musician boyfriend after she read text messages on his phone between him and one of her co-stars whom he allegedly screwed on the side.
This pretty television Actress and her musical Fiancee recently broke up. Lots of rumors and public accusations flying back and forth: Controlling! Flirtatious! Insecure! Jealous! Cheater! Thief!
While both sides are spinning publicly, we know that there are two facts that both sides privately acknowledge as being true.
The first is that she broke up with him. Yes, we know he said that he is the one who called off the wedding, but that’s not true. She ended it.
The second is why she ended it. He cheated on her. Our Actress found a series of text messages on The Fiancee’s phone from a woman with whom he had hooked up on multiple occasions. It wasn’t the first time she caught him cheating, but it was with whom he was cheating that was the final straw.
Of course there was a huge fight. She yelled at him for being a liar and a cheat. He yelled right back that he did it because he was tired of her flirting with other guys. He also told Our Actress that she could have a hundred plastic surgeries but she was never going to be as hot as his famous colleague’s celebrity Significant Other (who is The Fiancee’s idea of physical perfection). Ouch.
You know the rest. Couples therapy, breakup, accusations, spin.
This is obviously about Naya and Big Sean. Most of the blind item aficionados at Blind Gossip think the side piece costar is Lea Michele, but I’m not sure. If Lea was taking a ride on Big Sean’s fat moray eel dick, I think we’d all know it. Because we’d see pictures of Lea dragging the organs that fell out of her vag from Big Sean fucking her. So I’m guessing the home wrecking side piece slut is either Unique, Demi Lovato or Lord Tubbington. It was obviously Lord Tubbington.
Look at that slut with his legs wide. He’s practically bragging about it.
The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice And His Husband Are Back Together Again After Signing A Ridiculous Post-Nup (UPDATE)
After weeks of scratching, biting and spitting at each other in the media and using their dog as a fluffy, adorable shank to stab each other in the throat with, Johnny Weir and his husband of 3 years Victor Voronov have stopped throwing Faberge eggs at each other and are back together again. To quote The Crystal Enchantress’ hair stylist when he told them he wanted green My Little Pony tails for bangs: “This is not going to be pretty.”
The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice made the sparkles on rhinestones dim and snow leopards cry out snowflakes when he announced last month that he and Victor broke up. During the days after their divorce announcement, they publicly delivered the gayest episode of Dynasty ever which is saying a lot since every episode of Dynasty is the gayest episode of Dynasty ever. They screamed, they cried and they brought the gay drama in thick, heavy doses. But they’re done with that for now and they’re back to rubbing nipples on top of Johnny’s grey mink comforter. Over the weekend, Johnny and Victor decided to give their marriage another try, which is a really good idea considering that Johnny once bit Victor and accused Victor of hitting him repeatedly. Johnny and Victor’s marriage was messy, their break up was messy and so of course their reconcilation is going to be messy. TMZ got a hold of (read: Victor gave it to them) a list of rules that they each had to sign. Victor made Johnny promise that he’d apologize for trashing his ass in the media and wants Johnny’s mom to keep her nose out of their marriage. Johnny made Victor sign his own list of rules and most of it has to do with peen passing. Scientology has less rules than Johnny and Victor’s relationship.
- No wet humping on others
- No sucking other dicks
- No kissing or making out or putting tongue on others
- No sexting others
- No jacking off with others
- No flirting hard with others
- No Grindr and no flirting on social media
- No talking with an ex unless the other one approves it first
They also promised to get tested for STDs every 6 months and the results have to be read when both of them are in the room.
If a jaded and bitter friend who doesn’t believe in long-lasting love asks you to show them a relationship that is built on trust and honesty, just show them this post, because Johnny and Victor are the epitome of trust. The hell kind of contract is that?! If you have to make your husband sign a contract stating that he’s not going to suck other dicks, there’s a good chance that when he sucks on another dick he’s not going to give a fuck about that contract while he’s doing it. Dreadful is the image of Johnny Weir dirtying up his Chanel leather pants when he gets on his knees to sniff Victor’s dick for cheating juices. How many Birkins need to be brutally murdered before Johnny realizes this shit is probably not a good idea? How many Birkins, Johnny? How many Birkins?
UPDATE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand these messes are broken up again. The Birkins are saved and they can suck the dicks of others once again.
You really don’t know the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice and totally thought wrong if you figured his divorce from his first husband Victor Voronov would end with them wishing each other well and shaking hands like mature, sane adults. Nope, it’s going to end with glitter-infused tears, screams, more bite marks and possibly the brutal death of another Birkin bag. The divorce battle royale is going to messier than that biker angel goddess ensemble that Johnny’s wearing.
On the day that every swan’s heart broke, Victor tweeted that he barely found out that Johnny filed for divorce in February and that he was totally blind-sided by it. Victor must’ve shaken off the shock real quick, because he hired a “legal crisis manager.” Bitch thinks he’s on Scandal! Calling Olivia Pope! Johnny has turned up the messiness all the way by turning his divorce into a non-stop press party for himself. All week long, Access Hollywood has been airing an EXCLUSIVO tell-all interview that Johnny gave to the factory-defected, empty-headed Alfred E. Neuman doll named Billy Bush. Johnny dramatically told Billy that he’s had the sads in his little sequins-covered dove heart for a while about his marriage problems. Johnny says that they fought a lot about money, because Victor quit his law career to travel with him and he was supporting the both of them. Victor supposedly was controlling and pushed most of Johnny’s friends and even his own mother away. Victor’s legal crisis manager (I still CAN’T with that shit) tells Access Hollywood that he quit his law career, because Johnny wanted him to be a stay-at-home husband and travel with him.
“The night in question, my husband was very drunk and was yelling at me about my relationship with my mother and my mother was assisting me in cleaning up some financial messiness that had happened and he was uncomfortable with that and had voiced it very clearly. So, we had a fight and then I went to sleep because I had to work the next day and he came in – very not himself – and asked me to lay with him in the biblical sense, and when I refused, the altercation between us started. I was defending myself and it’s unfortunate that there was a mark left on his body because as soon the police came to our home the first thing he did was show this mark, so I knew then he didn’t really care that much and all he is out to do is hurt me.”
I watched this part of the interview on Access Hollywood, and I am so mad they didn’t shoot it in black and white. Johnny should’ve worn a fox stole and a black fishnet veil over his face, and took graceful drags from a long cigarette as he detailed the dramatic events of that night. It sucks that science and/or witchcraft hasn’t found a way to really bring back the dead, because I’d love to see Joan Crawford turn that monologue out. I’d also love it if they played that Access Hollywood interview during Sunday mass at every Evangelical church. I want to see heads slowly pop off of necks as Johnny says, “…lay with him in the biblical sense.”
Johnny also said that Victor hit him repeatedly in front of friends before and he never went to the police.
Victor was also offered money for a tell-all interview of his own and he supposedly told Johnny’s lawyer that he will turn it down if his estranged husband pays his lawyers fee and gives him spousal support. The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice shooed away his offer and asked the judge to make Victor pay his own lawyer fees.
As for that Birkin bag massacre, TMZ says that on September 29, 2013, Johnny wrote Victor an email apologizing for a fight they had but also slapped at his husband’s wrist for brutally murdering one of his Hermès purses (yes, in this situation, Hermès is pronounced “HER MESS.”)
Johnny writes, “If you decide to wreck things, please wreck cheaper things than Birkins.” He goes on …”The fuck you on the Birkin is kinda cool, though, you artist. I know you don’t care about how I’ll survive if you divorce me, but please leave my Birkin bags, Celine bags and Chanel bags alone.”
What’s really surprising is that Victor’s heart still beats in his chest and his lungs still work, because when you mess with Johnny Weir’s Birkin, you mess with his emotions. And when you mess with his emotions, you’ll get a Louboutin heel to the throat. Hell hath no fury like a bitchy brand whore scorned.
In case you couldn’t tell by all us hos from Los Angeles screaming on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, MySpace, Craigslist Casual Encounters, ICQ, AOL People Connection and EVERYWHERE else, we had a 4.4 earthquake (or as my little cousin calls them “ert-a-quakes“) this morning. I feel so left out of the “Shit My Chonies” party, because like Jon Gosselin’s trick when he sticks it all the way in, I didn’t feel a damn thing. The sound of my chihuahua snoring through dreamland was probably louder than the sound of the rumbles and I was too busy shaking my head over it being Monday to notice that the world was ending. But it did happen and these anchors from KTLA went through it and HOW. The dude’s face measured a 99.99999999 on the HAHAHA scale. You cannot blame his dramatic ass. One of those lights above could’ve fallen on his face and messed up his pretty. He is protecting his greatest asset at all costs.
Those of us hard, old native bitches who lived through the Northridge earthquake in ’94 all said in unison, “Dramatic whores, 4.4 is amateur hour!” But yes, if I did feel it, I’d be the first one screaming and crying while running out of my house with my dog in one arm and my stash and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
If you’re invited to Alanis Morissette’s house for breakfast, be prepared for a giant bowl of organic wall-slides and leche-scented tears, because her chunky pooch Circus has been STOLEN! I know that your first instinct is to call up Detective Sarah McLachlan and beg her to get to the bottom of this dramatic dognapping, but you can go ahead and hang up the phone. Alanis knows who stole her dog, the dog stealer acknowledges she stole the dog, and the tension between the two is so thick and emotional you’d swear you were watching a telenovela called Mi Perro, Mi Amor.
According to TMZ, everything started back in 2011, when Alanis and her husband Mario Treadway (aka Souleye, aka never forget that stupid name) found the chihuahua-pug stray roaming the streets, so they adopted the dog and named him Circus. Circus then started bonding with Alanis’s housekeeper Maria Garcia, who would take care of the dog while Alanis and her husband were away. Then in January, Maria was fired (probably for forgetting to pull the 5-feet-long hair ropes from the drain when she cleaned Alanis’s shower) and Maria took the dog as part of her severance package. Except that he wasn’t part of her severance package and he’s not her dog.
Dogs are considered property under California law, so in order to get Circus back, they need to sue Maria for the return of the dog. So Alanis and her husband have filed a lawsuit against Maria demanding the return of Circus, and also $25,000, because why the hell not? Might as well make a little cash while you’re in court.
But it doesn’t take a Detective McLachlan to know that Maria Garcia is just a patsy; mark my words, the real dog snatcher is (dramatic music)…Uncle Joey Gladstone! He’s been bitter ever since Alanis revealed in ”You Oughta Know” that he was a woodchuck-fisting two-timer, and he’s out for blood!
(Pic: Flame Flynet)