Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
Sorry Katy Perry! Whoops, actually – scratch that. I know Katy Perry was looking for an apology from Taylor Swift, and I’ve got a feeling she’s going to start sprouting grey pubes before she gets one. And forget about collaborating on anything together. If Hollywood Life’s sources are to be believed, Katy’s got a better chance of receiving a nun-approved nomination for sainthood than working with Taylor.
When I lived in NYC, I hardly ever sat on the subway unless I was plastered. (“So what you’re saying is that you always sat on the subway?” – you) My legs still work good and I mostly sit on my ass all day, so I always felt like I was the last person who needed to sit. But there are some able-bodied hos who sit like they’re protesting something and if a 9-month pregnant blind woman on crutches with twins in a baby Bjorn on her back and groceries balancing on her head hobbled on in, they’d still stay sitting. Olivia Wilde took the subway in NYC yesterday and when people didn’t give up their seat for her, she crop dusted them with pregnant farts on Twitter.
There once was as time when the IKEA As-Is section version of Kim and Kanye wasn’t Kylie Jenner and Tyga. It was back in 2014, and that couple was Naya Rivera and Big Sean. Naya and Big were engaged, but they called it off. Some people speculated that Naya ended things because Big Sean had been offering up his dick to strangers like a one-man sausage sample station at Costco. But Big Sean refuted that claim by releasing a post-breakup statement denying that he’s a cheater. A few months later, he started dating Ariana Grande. Naya wrote about those rumors in her recent tell-all book Sorry Not Sorry, and she’s more than happy to give you a not-so-subtle hint about who Sean may have cheated with.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s dramatic custody fight over their 16-year-old son Rocco Ritchie is officially over. At least for now. We are talking about a situation involving a teenager and two adults with a history of acting like teenagers, so maybe let’s not hold our breath on this one just yet.
What? No! How could anyone be afraid of Courtney Love? She’s just a sometimes-crazy, bad-with-money 52-year-old woman who does not play and hangs out with Sam Lutfi and okay I see it now. Run, Frances Bean Cobain’s ex, run!