“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.”
Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.
Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.
An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!”
I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.”
After spending most of his weekend dragging his on-again off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran on Instragram and hissing “fuck that bitch” during a concert, Chris Brown has decided he’s sowwy for acting like a giant asshole. Earlier today, Chris posted the above picture of himself looking like a shy doll while standing next to some crappy graffiti to Instagram with the following message. WARNING: you might want to open a window, because the bullshit that comes off this statement is very thick and you’ll probably need some fresh air.
“Being young and dumb is one of my strong suits and emotional at best. I love hard and react impulsively when I’m hurt at times. I don’t think social media is a place to air out or hash out personal problems and a nigga feel hella WACK for doing it. So I AM APOLOGIZING I live in a glass house and the same shit that makes me great also is my curse. Everybody know I love that girl. I don’t care how my image my look to the public because I’m still gonna be the best at what I do. I just want baby girl to know I apologize!“
All of that was stupid. Just, beyond stupid. And now might be a good time to mention that all that garbage was written shortly after he took another angry swipe at “baby girl” by posting (then later deleting) a picture of himself with a John Waters moustache (may Divine strike me down from Heaven for that one) with the caption “Cut this Chinese pussy hair off my face lol“. Fun Fact! Chris Brown is a 25-year-old man (never has the use of the word “man” felt so wrong).
Not to be outdone in the drama department, TMZ caught up with Karrueche on a beach in Miami who commented on this dumb high school mess by saying “Don’t believe everything you hear.” And if I remember high school correctly, that means they’re either getting back together or she’s taking Drake to the prom.
If you’re anywhere over the age of 19, this story about melodramatic teenagers hissing at each other on the internet will no doubt make you want to ball up your fists and shout GET OFF MY LAWN, so just giving you a heads up that you might want to prepare a soothing hot water with lemon to calm yourself when it happens.
So some time last year, Abigail Breslin, who you may know as the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine or the little girl from that insane episode of Law & Order: SVU where Lea Thompson tries to kidnap her biological daughter, dated one of the Hot Topic teens from the band 5 Seconds of Summer, Michael Clifford. And then they broke up, because – I don’t know, maybe one of them caught the other one stealing their eyeliner. Cut to four days ago, when Abigail decided to release a Taylor Swift-sounding breakup song called “You Suck“, in which she calls out her ex-boyfriend for not washing his hair, having a “dumb tattoo”, and maybe cheating on her. Whoah – a “dumb tattoo”? SHOTS FIRED.
Abigail also sings that he’ll probably say that she wrote the song because she’s “so obsessed” with him, but Michael just sort of laughed the whole thing off (literally). Unfortunately, Abigail forgot that the person who “sucks” also happens to have an obsessed teen fan army, and they all started dragging Abigail on Twitter:
So I guess that bitchy high school girl feud between wannabe goth kid Katy Perry and butterscotch prom queen Taylor Swift is still a thing, and now it looks like Kay Kay has dragged her 36-year-old maybe-boyfriend Diplo into it. Yesterday, Diplo tweeted the following shade at Tay Tay:
Someone should make a kickstarter to get taylor swift a booty
— BABY DADDY (@diplo) November 12, 2014
Of course within minutes, one of Diplo’s followers set up a Fundly page titled – you guessed it – “Get Taylor Swift A Booty“. So far, the campaign to get Taylor Swift a booty has 29 supporters and has raised a whopping $45 (which is almost enough to buy a pair of Crownette padded briefs from Sears). This act of grown-ass mean girl cuntery pleased Diplo, so he continued to tweet the link to the Fundly page several times, as well as re-tweeting a joke that a petition was sent to the White House to include getting Taylor Swift a booty in the federal budget.
Lamar Sally, the shameless gold-digging grifter who’s currently trying to scam child support money out of Sherri Shepherd for a surrogate baby he helped make solely for the purpose of trying to scam child support money, gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to People (aka People found him loitering in the parking lot and felt sorry for him) regarding said baby and his relationship with the baby’s mother. No, not his surrogate mother, his REAL MOTHER – the one who wants nothing to do with him!
Lamar told People that ever since lil’ Lamar Sally Jr. (I guess Son of Useless Shitbag was already taken?) was born via-surrogate on August 5th, his estranged wife hasn’t made an attempt to meet her son. You know, the son she believes was conceived as an excuse for Lamar to take an 18-year-long all-expenses-paid life vacation. Even though Lamar Jr. wasn’t made using Sherri’s eggs and Sherri has shown zero interest in him, Lamar Sr. claims he’s fighting to add Sherri’s name to the baby’s birth certificate because he truly believes Lamar Jr. needs to know who his mommy is:
Well, this makes almost no goddamn sense, but let’s go with it! People says that 68-year-old Canadian rock legend and Godfather of Grunge Neil Young is rubbing his pepaw parts on 53-year-old former mermaid/current rubber-faced crazy Daryl Hannah. A source says they spotted Neil and Daryl (which sounds like a Canadian news team) holding hands at a restaurant on Wednesday night. Holding hands? Take it easy, you horny sluts!
So how did this random match happen? Neil and Daryl collaborated on a documentary for Greenpeace about the Alberta Tar Sands, and an insider claims they’ve attended many protest rallies since. I’m sure you’re thinking “Aww, how cute! Two environmental activists in love!” but NO! Not cute! Daryl swooped in on Neil while he was still married to his wife of 36 years, Pegi Young, and they only filed for divorce a little over a month ago. Damn, first Madison the Mermaid starts busting her face, now she’s busting up marriages!Of course, some of Neil’s friends aren’t too happy that he left his wife for that dizzy bible-thumping bitch Annelle from Steel Magnolias. Neil’s former band mate David Crosby gave an interview to the Idaho Statesman where he pretty much calls Neil out for hooking up with a latex-faced homewrecker:
“I happen to know that [Young] is hanging out with somebody that’s a purely poisonous predator now. And that’s karma. He’s gonna get hurt. But I understand why it happened. I’m just sad about it. I’m always sad when I see love tossed in the gutter.”
Who would have thought that a relationship burped up from the bowels of random would be so damn dramatic? Neil seems like the most easy-going pepaw in the world – those sideburns say “I like beer and I like naps”. But apparently he’s into some telenovela shit! Or whatever the Canadian version of a telenovela is. Road to Avonlea? Train 48?
Regardless, I’m personally very proud of myself that I managed to write this whole thing without making a Harvest Poon joke. Oh, goddamn it. So close!
Come-to-life butterscotch sundae Taylor Swift admitted during an interview with Rolling Stone (via UsWeekly) that there’s a song on her new album 1989 called “Bad Blood”, and it’s not a Weird Al-style parody of the final season of True Blood. Taylor confessed that it’s about a shady A-list showbiz bitch who pretended to be her friend for years while secretly doing her dirty behind her back. Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae doesn’t name-names (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR!) but she does sort-of give clues, not that we really needed any. Ah, Taylor – no matter how old she gets, she’ll always be a drama-loving middle-school Mean Girl at heart:
“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life? [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”
“I hate conflict” is the basic bitch equivalent to “I hate drama“. Taylor LOVES conflict! Literally every song this human sugar cookie writes is about a break-up or the haters or breaking-up with the haters. And yet she won’t say who she’s talking about. Ugh, there’s nothing I hate more than a trick who gives you gossip blue-balls! Just say who it is, Taylor! You’ve already spilled half the T – you wrote a damn song about it! Drop the bag! Her name rhymes with “Schmaty Schmerry“, just say it! Tea bag us with that name, Taylor! Wait, that didn’t sound right.
But if it’s not who I think it is and I had to guess who the two-faced jealous hag hurting Taylor’s feelings was, it’s probably that shady bitch Nerdy Natalie. Watch your back, Natalie – Meredith and Olivia Benson have your number!
Here’s Taylor “Shhhh” Swift serving up some strawberry-scented G-rated From Here To Eternity realness in Rolling Stone:
Former New Kids On The Block hotel room arsonist and current guy who sells hamburgers on a reality show Donnie Wahlberg is getting married to the human equivalent to getting your period during a cross-country road trip Jenny McCarthy today in New York, an event which will surely bring out the who’s who of top-tier celebrities. However, TMZ says that one A-list brother will NOT be attending the wedding: MAHKY MAHK. Donnie, say hi to your mother for Mark; he won’t be there to do it himself. »
Even though that’s the kind of ice-cold stare that says “Well, technically I am, but you’ll never know about it until a delivery van pulls up to your house with an old busted stationary bike from the 80s and an envelope taped to the seat containing the cut-up pieces of your SoulCycle membership card and the words ‘This is your cycle now, bitch’ scrawled in Sharpie on a VHS copy of Mighty Joe Young.”
Earlier this week it was reported that some Hollywood actress named Charlize Theron was trying to get WB Legend Tia Mowry banned from her SoulCycle class after Tia told everyone the story about the time Charlize was an Academy Award-winning eye-rolling Grade-A cunt to her. However, E! says that a source close to Charlize (Sean Penn’s talking beef jerky balls) claims the South African earth angel would NEVER, and that the rumor that she’s trying to strong-arm SoulCycle into making one-half of Sister, Sister disappear “is totally fabricated and completely not true.”
The source then added: “Charlize would never deny a nobody who was famous 20 years ago the opportunity to pretend to ride a bike beside one of the greatest living actresses of our time. It’s just not true. Charlize is a humanitarian. Why just last week she bought Cody from Step-by-Step a juice.”
I know that this source claims Charlize is cool with Tia and nobody’s trying to get anybody banned from SoulCycle and bla bla bla, but if I were Tia, I’d be suspicious the next time Rita from Arrested Development waves her over and invites her to take a seat on the bike next to hers. Don’t do it, Tia! There’s probably a bolt missing or the tension is all fucked up! It’s probably best she starts bringing that genius brother of hers along to her SoulCycle classes from now on to inspect all the bikes for Oscar-scented sabotage. If anyone can sniff out a shady bitch, it’s Teddy from Full House!