Category: The Billionaire Club
Angelina Jolie Had Lunch With “Environmentalist” Billionaire David Mayer de Rothschild
If you find that you absolutely must suck up to a billionaire, find you one like Angelina Jolie’s recent lunch date, David Mayer de Rothschild. Not only has his family name been swinging doors (and legs) open since the 16th century, but he’s worth approximately $10 billion, under 50, 6’4” tall, and claims to be an “environmentalist.” Not to be confused with that other noted Eco-warrior, poor distant relation Nicky Hilton Rothschild, David doesn’t just play at environmentalism by dressing the part, according to Page Six, “per his Instagram bio, he also wants to ‘warn and inform people about global warming.’” In case you were wondering what he and Angie discussed over lunch at Nobu Malibu last Thursday.
Forbes Claims That Kim Kardashian Is Officially A Billionaire Now
Last year, Kanye West did what Kanye West has been known to do, which is to say he made an outlandish, braggy, attention-grabby “needs verification” type of statement, this time specifically about his wife’s net worth. Kanye congratulated Kim Kardashian on becoming a billionaire. Even though, technically, it allegedly wasn’t a true statement. At the time, the math showed that only Kim’s business was valued at a billion dollars, not Kim herself. Well, Forbes recently did some math, and they are saying that Kim has caught up to her company, and she too is a billionaire now.
Jeff Bezos “Earned” Over $13 Billion In Under 15 Minutes
Because you, the average person, are too lazy to actually take your ass to Target, Jeff Bezos just became $13.2 billion richer than he already was. Congratulations, you just paid for Lauren Sanchez’ spa treatments for a year! Ok, maybe 6 months, but seriously get a grip. You’re an adult. Do you have a crush on your Amazon Prime driver or something?
According to Bloomberg (the news org, not the other billionaire, at least not directly), Amazon stock surged yesterday, netting Jeff $13.2 billion in as much time as it takes for you to find anything on Prime Video using their crappy search function. Seriously, how is Netflix the only streaming service with a user friendly interface?!
Kylie Jenner Is Still Insisting She’s “Self-Made”
Everybody’s 2nd least favorite Jr. billionaire (Sorry Kylie Jenner, Mark Zuckerberg will always be #1, despite the numbers) is still trying to convince the world that every dime she’s earned since the age of 15 has been the product of her own blood, sweat, and tears. And I’m sure she’s right on some level. I have no doubt she’s bled (manicurist cut her cuticles too short), sweat (that time Jordyn Woods trended above her on Twitter) and cried (see bled and sweat) at points during her rise to “apodictic powerhouse”, as Interview Germany put it in a recent, well, interview. But we’re still not buying what she’s selling (that’s Pimp Mama Kris supplying a warehouse hidden on a private island in the Pacific with a billion dollars worth of Kylie Cosmetics).
Kylie Jenner Is Officially The World’s Youngest “Self-Made” Billionaire
Well she’s done it. Kylie Jenner’s pulled herself up by her Balenciaga boot straps and made a name for herself as the “Youngest Self-Made Billionaire” in the world. Back in July, Forbes correctly predicted that one day in the not-so-distant future, a woman grossly disfigured by radiation poisoning and malnutrition, would be roaming the wasted landscape of post-apocalypse Los Angeles and find among the rubble and detritus of a once (barely) functioning society, a copy of Forbes Magazine dated March 5th, 2019 with Kylie’s improbably smooth face staring back at her under the title World’s Youngest Self-Made Billionaire, and though a strangled “who?” will escape her parched and blistered lips, she will know that this relic marked the beginning of the end.