That was fast. Before we could clean the panting hot breath marks and sticky palm prints off the inside of our car windows after hearing that Khloe Kardashian (in wax above) was “in contention” (AKA anywhere from completely fabricated to already inked), to be the next Bachelorette, the rumor has been shot down. According to Khloe’s Momager Kris Jenner and
protective moral compass big sister Kim Kardashian, Khloe as the Bachelorette is a no go, which is a shame, since she clearly can not be trusted to swipe right on her own.
Tragic newly single mom and crypt message poster Khloé Kardashian‘s recent romantic woes have supposedly made her a contender for The Bachelorette. At least that’s what The Bachelor/ette franchise creator Mike Fleiss wants you to believe. Fleiss obviously hasn’t considered the many reasons why Khloe, 34, could never be the next Bachelorette. One is that, upon hearing the news, every rose (including the plastic ones) on the planet said “fuck that noise” and shriveled into nothingness. So both series are canceled now because roses don’t exist anymore. Thanks for that, Khloé (no shade).
Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and former host of one of my favorite HGTV shows Designers’ Challenge, probably watches UnREAL on Lifetime like I do. But unlike me, Chris probably hate watches it and he hates it so much that he pulls out his pubes and throws it at the TV screen while screaming a layer of his tonsil skin off. If you don’t know what UnREAL is, it’s a parody of The Bachelor and shows all the behind-the-scenes fakeness that goes on during the making of a trashy reality dating show. 8 million pairs of eyeballs watch The Bachelor and UnREAL gets about 1/10th of that, but it still got renewed for a second season. Chris hates it, though. I mean, he really, really hates it. He said this to Variety about it:
“The main difference that I’ve seen is that people watch The Bachelor. It’s complete fiction. As much as they would love to jump on our coattails — they were begging for us to talk about it and for people to write about it — at the end of the day, no one is watching. I mean, absolutely nobody is watching that show. Why? It is terrible. It is really terrible.”
Chris doesn’t mind when a show like Saturday Night Live spoofs The Bachelor, because they’re “validating” the show’s “cultural impact.” This bitch is really loving the smell of his own farts.
“You only do that when you are part of the vernacular. If not, you can’t make a joke. It’s a sign of respect. The way that UnREAL took it, it wasn’t a sign of respect. They were trying to take it another direction, but it doesn’t work that way.”
Chris does have a point. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are high-quality, authentic documentaries about white love and they’re not at all scripted or edited. I’m sure that couple who got engaged on The Bachelorette last night, Kaitlyn the Trollop and Sexy Alf (copyright: Michelle Collins), won’t break up when their media tour is over and they’re no longer getting calls to co-host a pool party at a Las Vegas hotel together. I’m sure they’ll get married and I’m sure their granddaughter will be on season 70 of The Bachelorette, because that’s how long that important show will last and that’s how long their love will last. UnREAL needs to respect The Bachelor shows for being the cultural jewels that they are!
And I so want to watch UnREAL with Chris Harrison. I have always suspected that he’s a robot, so I want to see his hard drive malfunction as he watches that shit.
I stopped watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, because if I want to see a straight girl and a straight guy find true romance on the first date, I’ll just watch an episode of Bang Bus. But I do watch UnREAL on Lifetime and that shit comes off like a documentary about the making of The Bachelor. I figured that while the cameras were on, The Bachelorette and her suitors acted as wholesome as they could, and when the cameras turned off, they all licked on each other’s parts in a production van. So I squinted my eyes like “huh?” over people judging The Bachelorette for getting some dick on last night’s episode.