While leaving the office of her stylist Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe in L.A. on Friday, Jennifer Lawrence, who was dressed like the lost member of One Direction, continued her love-filled love affair with the paparazzi by hitting their lenses with a fuck you umbrella. I was all about that umbrella until 2 things happened:
1. I found out that umbrella cost 45 goddamn dollars and I’d never spend that kind of coin on an umbrella especially since I already have a pile of half-broken bodega umbrellas I dragged with me from NYC. It never rains here, so I only pull those umbrellas out when RiRi’s “Umbrella” plays on iTunes and I need a prop to dance around with.
2. I realized that if it does actually rain on Jennifer Lawrence’s head, that umbrella will become an aggressive, dark-sided, unholy threatening tool against the gods when she holds it the way it’s supposed to be held. It’ll flip off the angels up in heaven! (Lucifer’s mistress, Pimp Mama Kris, just bought 100 of them, thankyouverymuch.) Although, like I said up above, JLaw’s never going to do that since the closest she’ll ever get to getting rained on in L.A. is if she’s stopped at a red light with her car window down and the dumb piece of trash next to her decides it’s a really good time to wash his windshield and that washer fluid splashes all over her. It’s happened to me once and I still spend many sleepless nights trying to track down that motherfucker so I can get revenge.
It was nice of JLaw to give her middle finger the day off. Usually JLaw uses her actual middle finger to tell the paps how much she loves them. Because she’s been dating Chris Martin, her middle finger is probably exhausted and tired since she regularly uses it to pop his stuck doody bubbles after he makes up for lost times by filling his mouth hole with Arby’s and Taco Bell. So it was very considerate of her to give her middle finger a break on Friday.
Speaking of Chris Martin, if you want to see the $8 million Beverly Hills house that will soon be filled the sound of his farts (which sound like Bono’s farts except whinier if you can believe that), click here.
Although that dress, hair, and makeup look like they’re doing they’re fair share of trolling too: “You may think I’m a 29-year-old, but I’m really a perpetually-drunk, middle-aged 5-time divorcée with an addiction to valium and diet pills, who spends her days shouting at her housekeeper, throwing martinis on old portraits of herself, and dramatically weeping into the arm of her most expensive-looking divan.”
Hot on the heels of her recent OMG Don’t look at me or this giant suspicious-looking ring stunt, Katy Perry showed up to the 2014 Elle Style Awards last night wearing the very same engagementy-looking ring (that’s what you ask for at Jared) on THAT FINGER. And, like a true stuntin’-ass Stunt Queen, she played it off like it’s NBD and that lots of people all of a sudden start wearing special vintage engagementy-looking rings on their wedding finger. Uh huh. No one is buying what you’re selling, trick, so pack up your stall at the swap meet and get gone.
But her super clever stunt is getting attention, so get used to Katy pimping out that non-engagement ring at every chance she gets. And when we get bored of the ring (and we will) expect to see some not-at-all staged pics of her trying on wedding dresses. “OMG just because I’m trying on a princess-style white organza gown with a Swarovski-crystal veil at a store called Beautiful Brides does NOT mean I’m engaged!”
Here’s more of Katy Perry and NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING SO STOP ASKING at the Elle Style Awards, along with Jessie J (looking like the most alagant of Croatian prostitutes), a skinnay Lily Allen, Miss Kylie, Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in grime Cara Delevingne, Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend (typing that felt really weird), Hermione Granger, and Rita Ora wearing a wedding dress that Katy Perry will no doubt ask to borrow sometime in the next 4-6 weeks: