Madge Is Not Amused By M.I.A.’s Middle Finger

Yes, it’s almost a week later and we’re still talking about M.I.A. burning the innocence of a million children by flipping a bitch off during Madge’s Super Bowl halftime show. M.I.A. already gave an eye roll of an apology by blaming it on nerves, blah, blah, blah, blah… On Ryan Seacrest’s radio show (via USA Today) this morning, he asked Madge about it. The old Madge would’ve shot up her middle finger at all the hos who are saying that M.I.A.’s middle finger was a big deal. The new Madge adjusted the stick in her culo and said that M.I.A.’s fuck you to America was highly inappropriate. Okay, MOM!

“I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place.”

Translation: “I was really surprised that one of my minions would go against my wishes. I understand M.I.A. is low-class trash and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of loving ME and good energy revolving around ME and the people positively worshiping ME! It’s such a STUNT QUEEN thing to do and I’m supposed to be the ultimate STUNT QUEEN. There was such a feeling of loving ME and the people were uniting to bow at MY feet and then that Britatrash slag had to take the spotlight away from the spiritual art I was creating? When Moses was parting the Red Sea, did one of those slave children make the moment all about them by throwing up a middle finger? They knew their place! And now I looooooathe M.I.A. more than I loathe you know what.”

In other words, M.I.A., you and your first born are in danger, girl.

Clint Eastwood Breaks His Legendary Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage

FINALLY (served in a bowl of sarcasm)! Everybody who has been on the fence of gay marriage can hop off that fence and come to our fence (which looks like this and is way more fun) now that Clint Eastwood has said in so many words that he’s all for gays marrying other gays. Clint, who just finished directing that J. Edgard Hoover biopic, tells GQ (via Reuters) that gay marriage haters should just go ahead and replace their “I Hate Gay Marriage” lawn sign with an “I Don’t Give A Fuck” law sign.

“These people who are making a big deal about gay marriage? I don’t give a fuck about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not?! We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of … Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want.”

You know, Clint is 81 years old and people who are 81 years old don’t give a fuck about much. When you reach the canned peaches for dessert phase of your life, you pretty much retire from giving a fuck. Let’s try out my theory by using canned peaches as an example since I already brought up canned peaches.

Hey, Clint, what do you think about some people putting light cottage cheese on their canned peaches?

“These people who are making a big deal about light cottage cheese on canned peaches? I don’t give a fuck about putting light cottage cheese on canned peaches! Why not?! We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of … Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want.”

See. It works for everything.

But thanks for that “Go Ahead and Make My Gay…Your Husband” line, Clint! Now can you please make up for the fact that you ruined the movie version of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by writing a 10-part movie series based on the life and times of The Lady Chablis starring The Lady Chablis:

And please call it “Blue Is Not Your Color (Working Title: I Don’t Even Know That Bitch, Never Even Met Her)“

Madge Is Entitled To Like Any Flower She Wants, Thank You Very Much

Madge’s hydrangea horror made it all the way to CNN, bumping famine in Somalia and a plane crash in Russia from the top spot, and so her spokeswhore finally squirted out a response. Instead of just letting out a canned response like “She’s sorry for hurting her fan’s feelings and that hydrangea was donated to a dying child who loves hydrangeas but she’s still praying for a hydrangeacaust in the near future…fart…burp…etc…,” her rep apologized to the hydrangea.

“She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”

Hydrangeas already loathe Madge since her face reminds them of the hairless albino woodchucks that decapitate them at the stem, but it was nice of her rep to think of their feelings. It was also nice of her rep to not apologize to the fan who probably spent his last coin on buying that hydrangea for his favorite vampire in the world and is now surviving only on canal water and pigeon nails (true story). But I’m totally missing the point here.

Madge’s rep’s sarcastic bitchified response to her shady asshole move earned her 1000 extra cunt points, which moves her right under Kunty Karl in my Evil Cunts I Love list.

All Is Well In The World Again: Posh Is Back In Heels

An international emergency was called when Posh was photographed out in L.A. a few days ago wearing what she calls paraplegic heels (aka flats). The excuse at the time was that Posh suffered from a slipped disc or some shit and her feet were put on high heels rest by her doctors. THAT IS NO EXCUSE. Slipped disc or not, the public-at-large counts on Posh to always show us that shit is right in the world by wearing heels so high that it makes our ankle bones shiver like a crazy Christian at a trans convention.

I don’t care if bitch’s disc is doing the Slip ‘N Slide, she needs put on those heels and channel the pain from her back into the snobby bitchface she always launches at hos. I don’t care if bitch loses her legs in a freak red carpet accident, she needs to strap those heels to her stumps and hop like a motherfucker. But thankfully, we can call off the international emergency, because Posh was back to wearing back-breaking heels of death while shopping with her family in West Hollywood yesterday.

Posh made the right decision and had all of her back bones removed so that she doesn’t have to live a tortured life of only wearing flats. Bitch is so light that the wind can hold her up as she struts in front of the camera. It’s true that she can never sit in a chair again, but she can wear heels for centuries to come and that’s all that matters.

That weave on the other hand….

Naomi Campbell Thinks This Ad Is Racist, Thankyouverymuch

Naomi Campbell is threatening to throw a lawsuit right at the faces of Cadbury for using her name and comparing her to a chocolate bar in one of their new ads. The “diva” Cadbury is referring to could be their bitchy office manager Naomi Lewis, but Naomi Campbell thinks this is about Naomi Campbell. Which it totally is. The diamonds give it away. Cadbury should’ve thrown in a blood-soaked maid’s uniform and a broken BlackBerry too.

Naomi released this short statement to The Independent. A statement that will make every executive at Cadbury trade in their BlackBerry for an iPhone, because don’t think that Naomi can’t control any BlackBerry WITH HER MIND!

“I am shocked. It’s upsetting to be described as chocolate, not just for me, but for all black women and black people. I do not find any humour in this. It is insulting and hurtful.”

Cadbury has since apologized, saying they didn’t mean to offend anybody. They have also pulled the ad and will not run it again. Instead, they are retooling the ad for their new Bliss white chocolate and nuts bar and plan to use the tagline: “Move over Karl, there’s a new kunt in town!”

The Mystery Of Angelina’s New Tattoo Solved With A Giant “DUH”

During an interview with Extra for Kung Fu Panda Express: Search for the Eternal Tangerine Chicken (or whatever the hell that shit is called), St. Angie Jo was asked about the greatest mystery since Flo Rida’s hairline. Early last month, Brangeloonies everywhere stuck their eyeballs to their monitors when Angie was photographed with a 7th coordinates tattoo on her arm. Angie has the coordinates of the birthplaces of all of her chirruns tattooed on her skin twig, so some figured that a new member of the child army was about to get enlisted. But since most Brangeloonies of the highest order already have Brad’s birthplace coordinates tattooed on their outer labia, they solved the mystery right away.

When dude asked Angie about it, a contorted look of HUH? took over her face. It’s like he asked her to name a color other than black or beige. Or asked her what her shit smells like. Or asked her to explain what food is. You know, things she knows nothing about! But then she got it and answered the question with a subtle eye slap.

“Well, if they know that it’s latitude and longitude they would have figured out quickly that it was Brad’s birthplace. It doesn’t take much investigation to figure that one out. It’s Shawnee, Oklahoma.”

Angie performed that quote for you at the 5:30 mark below. Skip to that mark if you don’t want to listen to Jack Black and Angie Jo talk about cartoon animals like they’re real-life people!

And here’s Angie, Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman at the Panda Express photo call in Cannes today. It’s a good thing that panda is fake, because if it wasn’t it would definitely mistake Angie for a long piece of dried bamboo.