Category: Texas T-Rex

Matthew McConaughey Has Decided Not To Run For Governor Of Texas At This Time

November 29, 2021 / Posted by:

Welp, turns out The Texas T-Rex will not be terrorizing the ballot box come 2022 after all. Good thing too because he’d have a helluva time reaching the lever with those little mitts of his. According to CNN, in a video message posted on Instagram, Matthew McConaughey announced he’s decided not to run for governor of Texas after spending the past 2 years “listenin’ and learnin’ and measurin’,” and has come to the conclusion that “oh shit, Beto’s runnin’? Abort! About! Abort! What do you mean, that’s not allowed?

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A New Poll Shows That Matthew McConoughey Would Beat The Incumbent If He Ran For Governor Of Texas In 2022

April 19, 2021 / Posted by:

If there’s a bar for competent leadership in the state of Texas it’s so low it’s in hell (and opens at 6 am). So it should not be surprising that potential gubernatorial hopeful Matthew McConaughey is proving to be a popular choice among voters who would rather see the Texas T-Rex in office than sitting Governor Greg Abbott who, while having a longer arm span, can’t keep a beat going on those bongos to save his life (not to mention he probably has a flabby un-tanned ass). A new poll conducted by The Dallas Morning News and the University of Texas at Tyler found that if Texans were to vote for the 2022 election today, Matthew would have a 12-point lead over the would-be-incumbent Abbot.

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Guess Who Made A Surprise Appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Last Night

March 17, 2015 / Posted by:

If you said “A definitely stoned hipster-looking dirtbag dinosaur?“, then you’d be correct! Jimmy Kimmel Live! is in Austin, Texas this week for SXSW, so Jimmy Kimmel released a weed-scented smoke signal into the air or opened an extra-large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos or whatever you do to summon Matthew McConaughey. And once he arrived on his magical flying bongos, they filmed a bunch of fake commercials for a VHS rental place in Austin called Vulcan Video.

It all happens around the 3:17 mark, and watching the Texas T-Rex in his natural habitat (a parking lot) will get you extremely second-hand high, so you might want to crack a window before you press play:

Now, I’m not sure if Jimmy Kimmel asked Matthew McConaughey to really Matthew McConaughey it up, but he’s full awraiight-awraiight-awraiight. Almost too awraiight; there were some moments when I was positive he’d thrown a handful of bath salts into his bong before they started rolling.

I also get the feeling that Jimmy Kimmel didn’t have to call him up and ask if he wanted to shoot some fake commericals; I bet they showed up at Vulcan Video one day and discovered Matthew McConaughey all bearded and scraggly wandering aimlessly through the aisles with a beer in one hand and a half-eaten burrito in the other, and he was all “Oh hey, a camera! Want me to do some of them talking words for you? Just lemme run out to my truck real quick so I can change into my good hat.”

So, Zach Galifianakis Doesn’t Really Look Like Zach Galifianakis Anymore…

January 26, 2015 / Posted by:

And yet, I still would. I would have back when he looked like a feral hamster, and I would now. Hell, I would even if he was dressed as The Snuggler, but I think that says more about me than I should admit out loud, so I’ll stop.

Zach Galifianakis must have gotten cursed out by an evil gypsy woman or something, because he showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like an emaciated chicken nugget. And everyone was like “who dis?“, because Zach Galifianakis doesn’t really look like Zach Galifianakis anymore. He looks more like a blond Joaquin Phoenix. It’s like The Curious Case of Jonah Hill Galifianakis – all eyes and neck.

As much as I want to believe some old lady pulled a Thinner on his ass, Zach’s weight loss is probably just the result of quitting booze. Zach told Conan O’Brien back in May 2013 that he quit drinking and lost some weight, so I guess he’s still not drinking. According to UsWeekly, a source close to Zach says he’s “continuing to stay healthy. People are really proud of him.” That’s all well and good, but did he have to get rid of that sexy beard too? Maybe the beard started missing booze too much and was like “Fuck this, I’m going to go live on Andrew Garfield’s face.

Zach didn’t walk the red carpet, but here’s more handsome tuxedoed hos from the SAG Awards last night, including Adrien Brody, BILF (Beetlejuice I’d like to…you get the idea) Michael Keaton, and the Texas T-Rex looking like the maître d of a fancy topless surf n’ turf restaurant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

What In The Last-Minute Crafternoon Scrap Bin Hell???

November 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Once again, Anne Hathaway is causing my brain to hurt the special kind of hurt that comes from trying to figure out what the fuck she’s wearing. I should have seen this coming; fashion disasters always come in threes. First it was that next-level tragic DIY-looking star chain glove thing. Then it was that grandmother of the robo-bride dress. Now it’s…I’m not actually sure what this is. A busted two-faced tuna net fungus cover? Sure, that works!

Anne rolled up to the New York City premiere of Interstellar last night looking like she took a spray adhesive shower and rolled around in the LAST CHANCE box thrown into the dumpster behind a Jo-Ann fabrics, but MK tells me she’s actually wearing a very fancy dress by Rodarte. Regardless of whether her dress looks like it cost $1,200 or $12 (that one), here is every thought circling the toilet drain that is my brain while looking at Anne Hathaway’s dress:

1. Anne Hathaway looks like an exquisite corpse drawn by two fishermen, then it came to life The Fly-style

2. Anne Hathaway looks like two casual scarves from Chico’s got into a fight, then fell in love, then started fucking

3. Anne Hathaway looks like Fantine from Les Mis, if Les Mis took place in a post-apocalyptic wasteland run by a gang of fugitive throw pillows

And even though Anne looks like the definition of fug, I can still appreciate that she was brave enough to dress like a damn mess. I will always slow-clap for those who have the courage to say “Fuck it, I’m going to dress like I’ve been snorting bath salts and watching cable access TV all day!

Here’s more of Jo-Anne Hathaway last night, as well as Jessica Chastain (who always looks like a come-to-life Midge doll) and the Texas T-Rex:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

What In Confusing Constellation Hell Is Happening On Anne Hathaway’s Hand?

October 27, 2014 / Posted by:

The Los Angeles premiere of Interstellar (aka Gravity 2: Electric Space-aloo) was held last night, and for some reason, Anne Hathaway decided to decorate her right hand with a bunch of jagged metal Krusty Os. NO! I know they’re supposed to be stars, but they seriously look like something that could do a shit-ton of damage. I’m sure many people at the after-party spent the entire night terrified that the DJ would yell “Wave your hands in the air if you just don’t care!“, and prompt her drunk ass to start whipping that thing around like a mace. Wait, do Hollywood premieres even have DJs? I don’t think it would matter; Anne Hathaway strikes me as the type who lives by the mantra “dance like no one is watching, sing like no one asked.”

Then again, Anne could be wearing that angry net of pewter star barnacles (starnacles?) to deter any more journalists from trying to shake her hand. Just because she loves you doesn’t mean she wants your dirty Ebola germs, people!

But as much shade as I’m throwing Annie H for that diamond-encrusted disaster, I legit love it for two reasons:

1. It reminds me of when Charlotte’s 1 million spider babies are born at the end of Charlotte’s Web

2. It’s giving me flashbacks to the mountains of busted-looking Jazzy Jewelry I made as a kid. In fact, I’m pretty sure I made something similar to what’s on Anne’s hand, except it was a necklace and it was covered in glitter glue. And to answer your question, yes, it looked STUNNING paired with my Northern Getaway turtlenecks.

Here’s more of Anne and her low-budget Dr. Claw hand at the Interstellar premiere last night, as well as stoned armadillo Matthew McConaughey and his wife (who sort of looks like a sexy puddle, if that makes any sense?), Jessica Chastain, and Renesmee from Twilight:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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