Katy Perry finally dropped the official video for “Swish Swish,” a song she claims isn’t about Taylor Swift, but totally is. As if there was any doubt about who Katy is slapping at in Swish Swish, she’s been kind enough to drop some clues in an incredibly-subtle six-and-a-half minute long video. I know, we really didn’t need another video for “Swish Swish” after the one starring Brazilian Butt Queen Gretchen, but we got one anyway.
Sometimes at the end of a long day of doing whatever it is the hell I do, I like to lounge and relax with a glass of wine, a fully stocked bong and some porn. But well, pro football player turned actor Terry Crews ends his day a whole lot differently than I do, because he doesn’t fuck with porn anymore. Terry says that for a big chunk of his life, he made the lotion executives a little richer by spending all day jacking it to porn until his peen almost left off. That explains those huge arm muscles.
That piping hot piece of man meat has talked before about his addiction to porn, but during the past couple of weeks, he’s really gotten into it on Facebook. Terry says that when he was only 12 years old, he discovered his crack and it was porn. For years and years, Terry would jack it like a tween who just discovered what cumming is. Terry would fap to porn in the morning and he’d fap to porn at night. 47-year-old Terry said he couldn’t stop and it got so bad that his wife Rebecca King (Yes, the wife he went on a 90-day fast from fucking with) threatened to leave him after she took their broken laptop to the Genius Bar and the tech told her that blobs of dried cum stuck in the keys were keeping it from working right. (No, I made that up.) Terry didn’t know how to beat it. Well, he knew how to beat it, obviously, but he didn’t know how to beat his addiction to beating it to porn. Terry went to rehab and was able to overcome his addiction. That was around 6 or 7 years ago, and now Terry is trying to help others who may be porn-a-holics.
During a recent interview with HuffPost Live, perfect human (put down your hands, it’s not up for discussion) Terry Crews admitted that he and his wife Rebecca King-Crews, who is sort of giving me later-in-life Amber Rose vibes above, went on a 90-day sex fast. Yes, by choice. They chose not to hump on each other. For a whole 90 days. I know, I don’t get it either. Terry says that they both put CLOSED signs over their crotches to get closer to each other without secretly wondering if “Hi honey, how was your day?” is code for “I’m ready to bone if you are.”
“90 days – no sex, all relationship, all talk, all cuddle. I found that at the end of that 90 days…I knew who she was, and it wasn’t about ‘Let’s go out because I know I’m gonna get some sex later.’ It was like, ‘Let’s go because I want to talk to you. I want to know you’.”
Awww, that’s actually sweet. One day I hope to get to the point where I’m on a date and the person I’m with says “I want to talk to you” instead of “For the love of god please shut up about Pumpkin Spice Peeps. I DON’T CARE.” And I don’t know if this is a thing that exists, but can we nominate Rebecca King-Crews for a Congressional Medal of Coochie Determination or something? Because I don’t know how she was able to last 90 days. That’s some next-level dedication. If I was married to Terry Crews, I’d be calling that shit off after 36 hours.
Speaking of, here’s Terry Crews looking fine as hell at a charity event last week, because why not. I’ve also included some pictures of him posing on the red carpet with his hero wife. I don’t know how you did it Rebecca! No really, how did you do it. Waitmates? Was it Waitmates?
Ah, greased-up bouncy man titties; is there any better way to start your day? Well, besides waking up to the news that Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, and every Kardashian-Jenner (except for Bruce) have been selected by NASA to embark on a one-way trip into a black hole (“Tell me more about this black hole. Is it single?” – Kim Kardashian). But because Dorito Jesus can’t grant all of our wishes, seeing a shirtless Terry Crews will have to do for now.
Since Jimmy Fallon is a not-so-secret sadist who gets off on making guests of The Tonight Show do some cringe-worthy stuff in exchange for plugging their latest paycheck, Terry Crews came on to pimp out that new Adam Sandler movie The Brady Bunch Goes To Africa (or Blended, whatever) and ended up taking his shirt off and flexing his sessy pecs to “Ebony and Ivory”. Unfortunately, Jimmy Fallon was too much of a pussy to stand topless beside the chiseled beauty that is Terry Crews’s slimy naked chichis, so he used a body double and had them green screen his head on.
But there’s only one problem: “Ebony and Ivory” is too slow for Terry to really twerk those titties. Greasy chesticles like those deserve something with a little speed. Imagine if he’d nip synched to Vanessa Carlton instead? No, you’re right – The Tonight Show probably isn’t insured for that much sexiness.