Sometimes when a long-running show ends, the regular cast members, whose checkin accounts are overflowing with the millions they made from that shit, buys the crew a fancy goodbye gift that says, “We’ll never see each other again, but think of me when you wash your ass on this solid gold bidet.” The cast of Friends bought their crew PT Kwooooozers and the cast of Dynasty bought their crew a gift basket full of diamonds, champagne, bubble bath and shoulder pads (I made that last one up). So on the last day of filming for Desperate Housewives, the crew put on their Christmas morning smiles and were all ready to collect some good shit. But the Price is Right losing horn played in all of their heads when Eva Longoria, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross and Vanessa Williams brought out some cheap ass luggage. That shit wasn’t even Tumi! Hell, it might not have even been Samsonite. The crew members thought there would be a ticket to Tahiti inside or maybe Teri Snatcher was hiding inside (since she wasn’t on the card) and would pop out holding the keys to their new Priiiiiiuuuuuus. But nope. That didn’t happen.
A source tells Radar that some of the crew thought the luggage was a joke, but all of them still thought it was better than what Teri Snatcher got them which was a fart full of nothing. The scorned source put it like this:
“She hasn’t given a single gift! She’s too busy stripping her trailer of everything but the kitchen sink! She’s hired people to take out her TV, her couch and practically anything else that isn’t nailed down. They should all be embarrassed. It’s just not right.”
In short: Those bitches are cheap, four out of five of them hate Teri Snatcher and I’m sure there’s an overstock of luggage from the DH cast on eBay right now. What do we expect, though? Marc Cherry was the queen cunt diva bitch of that set and he taught his gorls well.
The Daily Mail says that Teri Hatcher has turned in her resignation letter to the Desperate Housewives producers, and that Felicity Huffman is following her towards the exit door. There’s rumors that Marc Cherry, DH’s founding house queen, will close the curtain after the show’s 8th season, but now it might end early due to Teri and Felicity giving their final bowels (typo and it stays) early.
A source-type (aka Nicollette Sheridan with a pillow over the phone) says that Teri already has a new TV pilot lined up and wants to focus all her time on that, “She has another production deal in the pipeline and she is in the early stages of developing a sitcom that she wants to start work on immediately after she finishes Desperate Housewives – she wants a new show in time for the mid-January pilot season. Some of the crew are disappointed in Teri, they feel like she is abandoning the show that revived her career. Desperate Housewives can’t really continue without Teri or Felicity because they need the original stars to pull in the ratings.”
ABC didn’t have shit to say about this.
You know, it’s time for Snatchers to get back on the highway and move on, but she should really take a break from TV. Snatchers should instead pursue her true calling: working as a web cam ho by day and a graveyard shift titty shaker by night. Seriously! For the past couple of seasons, Teri’s character has been putting Wonder Bread on her family table by doing professional ho shit. And I don’t know how many talk shows I’ve seen where Teri shows off her stripper moves for the audience. Bitch loves it. So Teri should slip on her favorite g-string and pop that pussy proudly now that nothing’s holding her back!
And since Eva Longoria will have time on her hands, she can work on a remake of the art house classic Over Her Dead Body.
Teri Snatcher was sick of bitches going on about how her face is filled with enough non-biodegradable materials to make a butt dildo big enough for Tommy Girl, so she posted a bunch of completely organic photos of herself on her Facebook page to shut her haters up. Teri added the following captions with the pictures:
“Thought about all those damn critics of my face. Love it or hate it, my face that is, [it’s] no surgery, no implants… no matter what ‘they’ say. Decided I’d shoot myself in to reveal some truths about ‘beauty’ and hope it makes you all easier on yourself ”
“Did I every toy with fillers or Botox over the years? Yes. Tell me does this look Botoxed to you? Yes I am alone in my bathroom naked in a towel on behalf of women everywhere trying to make a point. Women YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.”
“Just me wanting to teach that all those glam versus trash pictures of celebs are about LIGHTING. It’s not makeup, it’s not surgery or Botox…. Flat front light in your face, especially sun setting [or] 4pm light blows out all wrinkles and imperfections. Overhead light [and] sun… casts shadows under your eye from your brow, making you look tired. Shoot all family reunion photos [with] the camera man… holding the camera a little higher than your eye line.”
In that first picture above, Teri looks like a hongray and wet cat trying to push out a stubborn shit into the litter box. But besides that she looks fine. I believe you, Teri. Your ass wins. White flag up. Teri, you’re real and spectacular-ish (not really).
Last week, Conan O’Brien slipped, fell and wrecked his head while shooting a skit. Conan was taken to the shop to get repaired and rotated. Conan was back on last night and showed the footage of him breaking his head. And just as I suspected…..THE SNATCHER IS TO BLAME! Snatcher led him to that fall!
During the skit, Conan and Teri Snatcher raced on a slippery floor (her idea, probably). When Conan went down, Snatcher kept on smilin’ and claimed her victory. Yes, while Conan’s brains were slowly turning into boxed mashed potatoes and his eyeballs were about to fall out of their holes, she rejoiced!
Conan got up and continued on with the jokes. If that shit was me, I would’ve been trying to beat Teri’s ass! It would’ve been like trying to hit a pinata while blind-folded and drunk (due to the concussion and all DUH), but I still would’ve given it a try. Because I thoroughly believe that when your ass falls, the only way to fully recover is to whoop the ass of the trick laughing at you!
Okay, not a “world-class” athlete, but she is a “Malibu-class” athlete, because she completed a triathlon there this past weekend. When Teri Snatcher crossed the finish line, her mom, The Snapple Lady, immediately gave her a congratulatory nuzzle. Or maybe Teri smelled like a tuna melt and her momma was trying to get a good whiff. Who knows!
Other celebwhores who took part in the Malibu Triathlon were William H. Macy (who was there for an Emmy), Mario Lopez (who was there because he needed another excuse to take his top off), Jeremy Piven (who was there for the fish) and The Hoff (who was there for the…for the…why was he there?).
And I’m pleased to announce that next year I will host the first annual Dlisted triathalon! Booze, bong and blow your way to victory!
In the October issue of Britain’s Glamour Magazine, Teri Snatcher aka The Botox Grinch has a little advice for her 10-year-old daughter Emerson.
Snatcher said: “Have great sex and eat the chocolate. Don’t sit on public toilet seats and make sure to floss. … Life’s too short to stress; you’ll be able to get past anything difficult; the sun will rise tomorrow; you are beautiful; you are lovable.”
Snatcher must have read Lynne Spears’ inspirational parenting book. The pedos of the world are bowing down to her.
And isn’t having great sex and eating chocolate the same thing in certain circles? Gross. Snatcher forgot to tell her daughter NOT to ever mix flossing with oral sex. Click here if you have no idea what I’m blabbing about.
Snatcher went on to say that she also keeps a “goal board” with inspirational notes and images on it. She said: “It’s basically a collage of images of things you want to achieve in your life – all written, glued or drawn onto a big piece of paper.” Some of the messages on the board include “Don’t eat after 7 p.m.” and “Dance like a teenager.”
Has she seen the way teenagers dance nowadays? The last thing I need to see is Snatcher wiggling her snatch like a video ho.
Snatcher’s Glamour interview is just further proof that excessive botox use isn’t good for the brains.