The hallways of the offices of Viacom’s legal team must be filled with champagne and clogged phone lines from everyone calling their pharmacist to cancel the bulk order of Percocet. Because Farrah Abraham has dropped her $5 million lawsuit against the company and the makers of Teen Mom. Continue reading
A million years ago (in the 90’s, to be more specific), I knew a lot of teen moms growing up and none of them got paid to be on their own damn TV show. Honestly, the only checks they received came from WIC. That all changed in 2009 when MTV’s reality series Teen Mom introduced a bunch of girls with babies into our lives.
Fast forward to 2017 where one of the moms, Amber Portwood, may be following in fellow Teen Mom alum (and Dlisted patron saint of bad decision making) Farrah Abraham into the lovely world of having protein slurpees chucked into her face (AKA porn).
Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs
red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.
Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.
Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.
And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:
Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.
And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.
I’ve never been pregnant, so I can’t speak to the type cravings you get when a fetus moves into your lady gut (I should read a book sometime) but I thought women were supposed to get all Stains-y for weird shit like chocolate-dipped scrambled eggs and deep-fried Kleenex, not bongs filled with the stickiest of the icky.
Or maybe Teen Mom 2’s Jenelle Evan’s brain has been fried by so much good shit (and bad shit, and oh-shit-don’t-huff-that shit) that it now recognizes weed as a life-sustaining food. At least that would explain why, according to Radar, Jenelle is texting her friends about getting high, even though she has a baby friend living inside her:
“We can smoke and chill on a huge f**king blunt lol,” Evans tells her friend in the Monday, Feb. 10 text message.
And it seems the MTV star managed to find some marijuana while on her trip to Tinseltown too, texting her friend that she wanted to smoke while driving down “the strip.”
“She told me that if she doesn’t have weed she will throw up due to her pregnancy,” the insider told Radar. “So she always has a lot of weed on her at a time.” And when she runs out, the pal claims Evans makes a nearly two-hour trip to get some.
“When Jenelle runs out of weed she will drive from her house in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to Brunswick County in North Carolina, which is a 2-hour round trip to buy $120 worth of weed,” the source said.
Two hours to get weed? Is there not a Taco Bell restroom with its own in-house dealer in Myrtle Beach? NO! I’m missing the point here; she shouldn’t be road tripping for weed while pregnant. But even if she were to cut out the weed altogether, her fetus is still fighting a losing battle against the damage already done from listening to endless hours of Ke$ha in utero, so CPS should probably just go ahead and ask Jenelle’s mother Barbara to pull another high chair up to the dinner table and stock up on Kid Cuisines for the not-so-distant future.
(Pic: Jenelle Evans)
I’m no expert on incarceration, so I don’t know what life ‘on the inside’ is really like, but I think we can all agree that prison is someplace most of us would never want to go. If television has taught us anything, it’s that prison is a non-stop parade of scary face tattoos, yard stabbings, shower stabbings, dream stabbings (courtesy of an incarcerated Freddy Krueger, who’s serving time for aggravated assault with a knife). In the event you make it out alive, I can only imagine that the first thing you’d do is drive away as fast as you can and go see your family. Then again, Amber Portwood isn’t you or I; now that she’s a free woman, her first order of business is to “go get something good to eat.”
TMZ reports that Amber was recently released from the Rockville Correctional Facility in Indiana after serving time for violating probation in her drug possession arrest. Back in June 2012, a judge told Amber she could choose drug rehab instead of time in the chokey, but she shocked damn near everyone by packing up her best filed toothbrush handle and moving into Cellblock D. After 17 months, Amber was granted early release (which sounds like way you’d describe coming too quickly in a criminal justice system-themed role play) due to good behavior and for completing a few prison courses while serving time.
I think we’ve all misunderstood just how crazy Amber Portwood really is. First, Amber’s home gets searched and cops find weed and crack. Weed is nothing; that’s like drinking Boone’s Farm at a 9th grade house party. But crack?? That’s like chugging a bottle of original Listerine as a stranger pierces your lip with a fishing lure (aka INSANITY). Then Amber gets charged with felony-level domestic violence (aka Drinkin’ n’ Fightin’) and arrested for felony possession of drugs, which means your life is sort-of fucked. A judge takes pity on Amber and tells her all charges will be dropped if she sits in a circle drinking coffee and self-reflecting with other druggie types, but she responds by telling them to throw her ass in jail. Holy shit. Amber enters jail with a ‘let’s fuckin’ do this‘ attitude, makes good with other inmates, takes classes, then leaves prison all ‘NBD, let’s go grab some Jack in the Box.’
I love the crazy Amber of days past, but I really hope she turns shit around this time and stops the fighting and the crack smoking. Keep your head up girl. Put down the bottle. And stay away from Jack in the Box; those Supreme Criossants are pretty much warm breakfast crack (speaking as someone who’s trying to kick a pretty heavy addiction).
(Pics via Splash)
Teen Mom Farrah could be nice to the tattered, bruised and battered half brain cell inside of her head if she just came out and kept it truthful by saying, “I got dicked in the culo on camera for fame and money. The end.“
But Teen Mom Farrah keeps overworking that half brain cell by coming up with crap excuses and reasons for why she took a James Deen dick up the butt in front of a camera. Farrah Abraham told Entertainment Tonight that she did the tape for her own private use, because she has no friends and has a sad a lot of the time:
“I have no relationships and I’m, like, sad sometimes. So taking all this into consideration, which some find it hard to, that’s what brought me here today. I felt this was my way of embracing my sexuality and being happy for me.”
Thinking is hard, right, Farrah? I’ve seen Farrah’s porn and the extras (I clearly don’t have a life/hate myself) and while I agree with her that butt sex before a jizz facial is Mother Nature’s Prozac, there’s nothing happy about that video. James Deen’s peen is al dente most of the time and he looks like he’d rather be mouth fucking an alligator. Getting butt boned by a dude who clearly hates you is totally chicken soup for the soul. (Read that as “chicken soup for the hole” if you need the perfect lunch time image.)
Feya Abraham goes on to yank dicks by saying that she hired a professional porn star, because she felt he wouldn’t blab about it and her private sex tape would stay private. But then she says that James Deen started running his mouth, so she had no choice but to shop the tape to porn companies. Again, thinking isn’t Farrah’s strongest skill:
“I was under the belief this would help better protect me and my privacy. So I was like, ‘If this guy’s so professional and everything’s going to be fine,’ then I was like, ‘I’m happy with this choice.’ [But Deen] made it like his own thing and that’s why I was like, ‘You know what, let me be one step ahead and let me gain control of my own video again.’ That’s why I was meeting with different adult entertainment companies.”
Farrah said that she’s already put some of the money (more than six figures, she claims) away for her daughter’s education and she’s going to use the rest of the money to open “her restaurants.” But she didn’t want to get into her finances, because she’s “private like that.”
Yes, Farrah continues to think we’re all as dumb in the brains as she is and don’t know how porn works. But I will say that while watching eight fingers pull the missing sock I’ve been looking for out of her steak burrito cooch, I did think to myself, “She’s got some talent!“