Earlier this week the internet went nuts when a video of some people fucking got liked on Twitter by none other than scrunchy perv-faced senator Ted Cruz. Of course, he immediately launched into “Oh Hell No!” mode by denying that he was the one who liked it and blamed a member of his staff (which would be a hot title for a political porno. Perhaps he can direct). You’d think that this is where the drama would die, but CNN had other plans.
Well well well, what do we have here? A family-values politician who might have accidentally outed himself as a porn hound. You know, I always got the feeling Senator Ted Cruz was a bumbling doofus. But little did I know he was the type of doofus who could absolutely screw up a late-night online porn search. Congratulations, Ted – you succeeded at something! What? Being an idiot is technically something.
Everyone’s favorite sanctimonious chat show host was back on Saturday Night Live last night to get down to business with the Republican candidates. Dana Carvey‘s Church Lady made a comeback during the open and she took Taram Killam‘s Ted Cruz and Darrell Hammond‘s Donald Trump to, well, church. And, funny enough, Church Chat is just about as legitimate as any of the shows on Fox News, CNN and MSNBC, so this felt pretty informative!
Because one of Dlisted’s favorite pastimes is joining together to laugh at someone falling, here’s the secret weapon that is miraculously going to win Ted Cruz the Republican presidential nomination falling over at a rally in Lafayette, Indiana yesterday. Right as Donald Trump knocked a Carly Fiorina voodoo doll off of a table, Ted Cruz’s premature running mate fell over after announcing him as the next President of the United States. When Carly went down, it looked like the only Cruzes who cared were Heidi and one of her daughters, as Ted kept on fucking that chicken. Get into Carly falling through an invisible trap door:
If Carly popped back up and said, “Don’t bother me, I’m just wasted,” everyone would’ve just shrugged, because almost anyone involved in this circus of an election has to be tanked morning, noon and night to get through that shit. Mediate posted another angle of Cruz’s omen, and Carly doesn’t really fall off of the stage. She just falls over, and Ted Cruz sort of looks at her and keeps on shaking hands. It still gives me shades of this important moment in the history of falling (and ignoring):
Carly tried, but she still didn’t out-fall the Queen of Falls Michelle Williams!