Brace yourselves. If Madge is the newest member of Taylor Swift’s Pussy Posse (which is like Leonard DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse except that they play with actual kittens instead of model vagina), she’ll be the “~cool~ really, really older sister” of that mob of basics and we’ll soon see pictures on Instagram of her teaching the girls how to suck peen by deep throating a water bottle (or a watermelon) and pictures of her and Tay Tay freezing Lena Dunham’s chonies after everyone passes out in a sugar coma from eating the heart-shaped tarts they made in the Easy Bake Oven.
While dressed like a ringmaster at a circus that doubles as a bordello, Madge sung her new single “Ghosttown” as Taylor Swift played the guitar at the iFartRadio Awards last night. I watched this in my hotel room last night and at first I couldn’t see Tay Tay’s face. I just saw that jacked up blond “freshly fucked David Cassidy“ hair, so I thought it was a really skinny C.C. DeVille in a silky slip. But my hard nipples went soft when I realized it was Tay Tay and not C.C. DeVille in a silky slip.
It’s only Monday, but you may get in your weekly quota of eyeball calisthenics while watching Taylor, who looks like Stevie Nicks’ mop, turn on the sexyface and get all dramatic like she’s Slash or some shit.
Well, the good news is that Madge didn’t try to shock us all by wet scissoring with Tay Tay during the last verse. She’s probably saving that move for the VMAs. And if you somehow didn’t meet your weekly eye roll quota while watching that video, Tay’s tweet might do it. She tweeted that she’s “ugly crying forever” over performing with Madge. Weekly eye roll quota met!
And here’s Tay Tay with all the awards she won last night.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Sophia the First’s passive-aggressive older sister Taylor Swift (“I’m the first, sweetie.”) and that DJ guy Calvin Harris made out at a Kenny “Fraud” Chesney show in Nashville last night. There was also some lap-sitting involved. I’ll hold your bag while you take a moment.
These snaps are from the Taylor Swift Updates Twatter. That lady in the lower left of the 2nd pic is mirroring my “what, who, eh?” expression exactly.
As I snarky-aggregated yesterday, Swifty and DJ Calvin have been photo-opping around Nashville, wearing matching outfits and celebrating Phase One of The Harry Styles Will Feel Tay Tay’s Wrath Project being complete.
TMZ reports that DJ Calvin had his arm around Taylor’s waist, she was seated upon his lap for a spell, and “an eyewitness” (Hi, Taylor’s publicist using the voice-changer from Scream because TMZ knows your voice really well by now) spotted them kissing.
Here’s your bag back. Wait, let me hold it again while you guffaw at this November 2014 video from TMZ of DJ Calvin stating that Taylor Swift isn’t his type. Several times. If Tay Tay wants you to wear matching outfits with her, TAY TAY GETS YOU TO WEAR MATCHING OUTFITS WITH HER.
Did formerly squinty Renee Zellweger let Tay Tay know that the closet cowboy was up for some future bearding work? This must have happened while Renee was cleaning out her cubby at the last Celebrity Squinters meeting.
Here’s a vid of Taylor dancing. And and one of her and Calvin going backstage or something. Did you want your bag back yet?
Check out more pics Taylor on stage with Chesney below.
Watch out, little girl. She’ll squee with you over lip gloss flavors but behind your back everyone’s a Katy Perry (aka “jealous rival”) . Nightmare dressed as a nightmare (I mean, look at that pic – bitch is evil) Taylor Swift has once again been sighted in the general vicinity of Diplo Lite aka Calvin Harris. Good on her. Dude is hot, right?
They were spotted walking out of a Whole Foods in Nashville together on March 25. I’m going to hazard a guess that this was Tay Tay’s idea. You know Swifty Longstocking was all “wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we wore matching outfits for the paps?” Harris probably replied “oh, yeah, ha ha?” while thinking “she’s exactly how they describe her, what have I done, what do I do, she mates for life, help, help me, she will castrate me, who do I call, Jesus, Jesus are you there?!?”
Taylor probably spent the evening tee-heeing near the heirloom tomatoes over the dissolution of One Direction. Because Harry Styles is still on her shit list (written on Strawberry Shortcake stationary and hidden in her vintage Caboodles makeup organizer that Lena Dunham found her on EBay). Her convoluted but successful plan to tip off the paps about Zayn Malik’s cheating to break up the band worked perfectly. If she had a moustache, she’d be twirling it right now. “You don’t think I’m like, you know, mental cuz’ I want Harry Styles to watch every one of his dreams die in front of him, right, Calvin? Right? DO YOU?”
“You hear that Meredith? Let this be a warning; you don’t fuck with Queen Butterscotch.”
Everybody has made dumb mistakes at work (flashback to me drinking the last of the Champale in the Dlisted lunchroom before realizing Gob Bluth-style that I’ve made a huge mistake), and for professional iTunes jockey Diplo, the biggest mistake of his career was coming for the head cheerleader of the recording industry Taylor Swift and her flatter than flat ass on Twitter back in November. Diplo told GQ back in January that his life had become a living nightmare thanks to Taylor Swift’s army of hardcore ride-or-die fans, and I guess he didn’t get all his thoughts out the first time, because he recently spoke to GQ Style (via Daily Mail) about it once again, this time adding that dragging Taylor Swift was a big mistake. Big. Huge!
“All I know is don’t ever get into a feud with Taylor Swift. She has like 50 million people that will die for her. It’s like an army that’s worse than North Korea. You can’t step into that arena. That was something I was never prepared for. One of the biggest mistakes of my career was definitely fucking with her.”
Uh huh. I totally believe you regret doing the thing that has gotten you 1000x more attention than you ever got pressing play in iTunes. Sure.
Of course, Diplo has since made up with Sprinkles Jong-un, but I’m sure he still nervously checks over his shoulder every time he enters an American Girl Doll store for Taylor Swift fans who might recognize him as the man who dared to insult their beloved leader.
And speaking of both DJs and Taylor Swift, Heat magazine (I’ll wait while you grab a handful of salt) says Tay Tay might be currently humping on Rita Ora’s former DJ piece Calvin Harris. Tay Tay reportedly went to see him perform in Las Vegas and was seen hanging out with him after the show where they talked to each other for 8 minutes. I know that an 8-minute conversation seems like a major reach, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift considers anything over a 2-minute conversation with a boy to be a serious date.
If you heard a high-pitched shrieking sound this weekend that sounded sort of like Regina George after she discovered that Cady had been sabotaging her with those Kalteen bars, this will explain why. On Saturday, Marcia Brady’s 21st century equivalent Taylor Swift Instagrammed a picture of her left leg with a huge-ass bloody scratch down the side of it. According to Tay Tay, it was the work of one of her prized pussies, Meredith Grey. Tay Tay didn’t elaborate on what caused Meredith to lose her shit, but did address the rumor that she recently insured her legs for $40 million by captioning the photo:
“GREAT WORK MEREDITH. I WAS JUST TRYING TO LOVE YOU AND NOW YOU OWE ME 40 MILLION DOLLARS”
If I was Meredith, now would be the time I’d start hitting up Grumpy Cat and Garfield and Heathcliff and all my other rich pussy friends for some cash, because we all know Tay Tay doesn’t play when it comes to money.
And for those of you wondering whether or not you should be organizing a prayer vigil for lil’ Butterscotch, don’t worry – Taylor posted a pun-filled follow-up picture yesterday and she appears to be fine:
Even feline pun enthusiasts are groaning over that one. Me-OW? I guess “What a CATastrophe!” was too long. Still, if I were Tay Tay, I’d want to get to the bottom of why one of my pussies turned on me. Maybe it was out for revenge after it read that she had insured her legs for $40 million. “Are you kidding meow? I’ve asked her six times for an upgrade to Fancy Feast and every time that bitch says it’s not in the budget!”
There have been at least 200 bitchy glitter pen entries since the John Mayer chapter of Taylor Swift’s Burn Book, but according to John Mayer, people still want to poke their long-dead relationship with a stick and he’s over it all. During a recent interview with MSNBC (via UsWeekly), question asker Ronan Farrow sort of tip-toed around Tay Tay’s name, as one does when they want to talk about Tay Tay so as not to invoke her butterscotch wrath. But John Mayer clearly wasn’t having the perpetual middle school drama of it all and came right out with the following:
“We have to be able to talk about Taylor Swift professionally.”
The Vinegar Prince then brought up his song “Paper Doll“, aka John Mayer’s version of a Taylor Swift break-up song from 2 years ago that was totally written about either Taylor Swift or Barbie, and took a swipe at the gossip telling types who thought it was a swipe at Tay Tay:
It appears that former fabric store trash heap goblin Lady Gaga’s current life character is that of some sort of Sound of Music-singing heart-shaped engagement ring-wearing normal haired normal person, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that she reached out to Normcore Princess Taylor Swift the other day on Twitter. Also, because if Kanye West lecturing at Oxford has taught me anything, it’s that life is weird and random and makes no goddamn sense.
Billboard says it all started on Sunday when Taylor tweeted the following:
I guess that “living” she’s referring to is the fact that she no longer looks like an undead cartoon corpse or that she was still alive after freezing her wig off in Lake Michigan. Regardless, Lady Gaga decided to respond to Tay Tay’s tweet with her own inspirational message:
Whaaaaaaaat is Lady Gaga talking about? She sounds like she was just tweeting random shit she saw on a collection of thrift store coffee mugs. Life is friends, family, and love. Your prince charming will come. Heart shape + kiss lips (the pattern on a mug that says Keep it steamy, Valentine).
It was nice of Lady Gaga to write back, but I guess she didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift isn’t a boy-crazy bitch anymore. Or maybe Lady Gaga is that forever lovesick friend who finds out you went on a shitty date and she starts blowing up your phone with hopeful shit about there being plenty of fish in the sea and putting up with the rain to get the rainbow and all that. And even when you’re like “it’s cool, don’t worry about it“, she’s like “YOU’RE CLEARLY CRYING INSIDE! LET THE TEARS OUT, GIRL! DANCE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT!!!!” Yeah, I’m sticking with my coffee mug theory.
Speaking of crazy, here’s Gaga dressed for the summer while taking her dog for a winter walk this weekend in NYC:
Fairy godmothers everywhere probably just started texting all the other fairy godmothers about how they might as well quit, because it’s only a matter of time before Tracy Flick’s more ambitious cousin Taylor Swift puts them out of a job. “I heard she rented out the Eiffel Tower so her godchild could have a private pizza dinner with Beyonce. The last thing I did for mine was turn a pumpkin into a coach. I can’t compete with that!”
The most adult member of Taylor Swift’s popular high school girls clique, Jaime King, is currently knocked up with her second child, and she decided to ask Tay Tay to be the baby’s godmother. Congrats, baby – you won the lottery, and you’re not even born yet! Taylor announced the news by posting a picture of her rubbing on Jaime’s pregnant stomach to Instagram last night with the caption: “Guess who just got named Godmother of this little one….. (ME)“. And Jaime double-confirmed the news by posting the following:
That looks like 97% of the awkward amateur photographer pregnancy photo shoots I’ve seen on Facebook. The only thing that’s missing is a giant script font watermark in the lower right-hand corner, Jaime making a heart shape with her hands, and Taylor looking like she just got called up from the basement where she was playing Xbox live (ie. shirtless with jeans and a look that says “Are we almost done?“).
You know, at least until the next time she’s asked about her. NO! Taylor Swift is for-real done talking about the Veronica to her Betty, Katy Perry, no matter how much delicious attention it would get her. The human version of Debbie from The Oblongs recently told The Telegraph that you won’t hear the name of her former friend and current reason for why she goes though a 6-pack of scented glitter pens a month (scrawling the words SLUT SKANK BITCH 20 times a day in your Burn Book kills a ton of ink) leave her mouth hole ever again, because she is done talking about Katy Perry:
“I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen.”
She then added: “You hear that Gretchen? Stop tying to make our fight happen, it’s NOT going to happen“.
Tay Tay’s comments have me pulling a Marcia Brady-style “Nice try, Butterscotch“, because it’s a little redundant to say you don’t want to talk about someone and then proceed to talk about them. If she was really, truly done talking about Katy Perry, she should have pulled a Mimi and responded with a simple “I don’t know her.” THAT’S how you show someone you’re done talking about their ass.
And if you ever wanted to see what Tay Tay would look like if she bought a plaid poncho coat and went two shades darker on her lipstick, here’s Taylor Swift’s final Pokemon evolution form, Karlie Kloss, in Milan earlier today:
I know what you’re thinking: FINALLY! Go ahead and tell your boss that you’re leaving work early, go home, and crawl into bed – you’re going to want to catch up on all that sleep you lost over this butterscotch belly button business, I’m sure.
During an interview with BBC’s Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via Yahoo) the human version of Cheerleader from Teen Girl Squad Taylor Swift was asked why back in January we went from living in a world where nobody knew what Taylor Swift’s belly button looked like to a world where Taylor Swift’s belly button was staring us down like a frightened spider in the bathtub. Taylor explained the reason why she posted a picture of herself in a belly button-baring bikini during her Hawaiin vacation with the Haim girls to Instagram and – surprise surprise – it had to do with making sure someone not named Taylor Swift wasn’t making a single dime off of Taylor Swift:
“My security gets out the binoculars and sees that [the paparazzi] have a huge long lens camera. … At which point, we go back to the beach and realize, ‘okay, so they got pictures of us in our bikinis’. I don’t want them to make, like, $100,000 for a bikini shot. And so we’re like, ‘Get up on the bow of the boat: we’re taking better bikini shots so that they don’t make as much money on theirs.’”
Does Tay Tay really think a picture of her in a bikini is worth $100,000? Someone needs to inform her that as long as Target still carries Beach Fun Barbie™, we can see that shit for free.
But wait a second – I thought the paps were on Tay Tay’s BFF list? I’m sure there’s a very panic-stricken pap outside Tay Tay’s apartment in New York at this very minute screaming “No YOU calm down, Larry! What if we’re next? What if she stops calling us to take pictures of her walking to and from her car twice a day? I just put a down payment on a boat, for chrissakes!”
Here’s Tay Tay at the Elle Style Awards last night not wearing a peacoat and a cloche for once:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com