I know, I would’ve guessed that Taylor Swift’s “family portrait” would’ve ben her posing with her cats, her collection of yarn dolls and the cardboard cutouts of all the dudes she’s stalked. But instead, Taylor Swift’s family portrait, which was taken at her Rhode Island beach house over the weekend, is filled with A-listers (see: Emma Stone), E-listers (see: Jaime King) and never-was-on-any-listers (see: Jessica Snooze-ar from Gossip Girl). After they took this picture, they got drunk on the bottle of plum wine Taylor stole from her parent’s liquor cabinet, crank called John Mayer, practiced kissing on each other’s hands and played “Light As A Feather, Stiff As Board.”
And in that sea of mostly pretty mostly white girls who probably smell like Victoria’s Secret fruit mist is Lena Dunham looking like the creepy 10-year-old little shithead brother who sneaks into the basement during his older sister’s slumber party to watch the girls sleep, steal their panties, smell their hair and fart in their duffel bags.
Mercury must really be in retrograde in a serious way, because The National Enquirer (via Defamer and Celebitchy) says that for the first time in history, come-to-life Laura Ashley bedspread Taylor Swift is not stalking a dude and showing up to his house in the middle of the night in a wedding dress while carrying her two cats dressed as her bridesmaids. Shit has been switched up. The Enquirer (I know, I know) says that Orlando Bloom is the one doing the chasing and he’s trying hard to get Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms to go out with him. Orlando Bloom must think that he’s at the stage of his career where he really wants the tabloids to write about how he’s gay, because dating Taylor Swift is the easiest and quickest way to bring that on. The Enquirer’s source said this:
“Orlando has been bombarding Taylor with text messages and phone calls, begging her for a date. But she’s been playing hard to get. She’s flattered because she thinks Orlando is so sexy and, in normal circumstances, she would leap at the chance.”
Taylor hasn’t immediately wrapped her Easy Bake Oven around Orlando, because she’s friends with his ex-piece Miranda Kerr, and Selena Gomez, who is back on the Biebs, at one point wanted to be the next Kewpie-faced brown-headed doll in Whorelando’s life.
“But Taylor is concerned that dating Orlando would destroy her friendships with Selena Gomez and Miranda Kerr, and is worried about being involved in a rebound romance.
Ohh. She’s looking for a serious relationship. She doesn’t want to be just another notch on his belt. Taylor knows that Selena is nuts about Orlando and wants to have a real relationship with him. Yet all he seems to want to do is ask her about Taylor!”
There’s also a big development in this BREAKING NEWS story. The New York Post says that Orlando just bought a $4.8 million loft in Taylor’s building in Tribeca.
Taylor Swift looks like something that came from the mind of Marie Osmond and that’s definitely Orlando’s type, but I don’t think he’s trying to get into her heart-shaped strawberry tart. It’s really obviously that Orlando is burning up Taylor’s baby pink iPhone and moving into her building to get closer to her pussy.
Do you blame him? Actually, I kind of do, because that adorable kitten looks like a tiny alien who put on an adorable kitten costume to get closer to the humans and learn our secrets before the eventual alien takeover.
Here’s Taylor in NYC today looking the snobbiest daughter of a Republican senator from Georgia.
Human soft-serve ice cream cone Taylor Swift proved she’s one cat closer to her very own butterscotch-scented Scottish Fold pussy army by posting a picture to Instagram yesterday of her newest Scottish Fold cat, who she’s named after her favorite Law & Order: SVU character, Olivia Benson. Personally, I’m a little disappointed that she didn’t name it “Meow-whisker Hargitay”, but you take an SVU reference where you can get it.
Olivia Benson is Taylor’s second cat, the first being Meredith Grey, who was named after her favorite character from Grey’s Anatomy. This sort of reminds me of when people give up smoking and replace cigarettes with Pop Tarts; except Taylor has replaced chasing barely-legal boys with collecting cats and naming them after television shows found on your mom’s DVR. The next thing you know she’ll be posting a picture of a third cat named after the designer from Love It or List It and asking if you’ve seen the lovely slacks that are on sale at Chico’s.
I’ll throw shade for days at Taylor for naming her first cat after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll give her 10 loud YAAASSSSSS-es and 5 ‘hands up’ emojis for naming the second cat after the greatest pervert-busting detective of all time. She shouldn’t be surprised if she comes home one day to find Olivia Benson in a little leather jacket with a tiny NYPD badge clipped to the waist of her itty bitty kitty dress pants with a caramel-colored hair extension on her head, trying to convince the next-door neighbor’s cat to testify against the Shih Tzu who attacked them in Central Park.
The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.
While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.
So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??
Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.
I am not a smart person (understatement of the centuryyyyy), but I do know what danger is. Danger is buying $0.49 sandwich from a gas station convenience store. Danger is looking at a questionable dick and thinking ‘I’m sure that’s just an ingrown hair’. But the most dangerous danger of all is coming between two crazy-ass unstable booze-guzzling gayelles! Taylor Swift must be feeling brave after buying that leather jacket, because she dared to spend yesterday hanging out with Michelle Rodriguez’s current partner in coochie-cuddling, Cara Delevingne. Damn girl, you might wanna call Mercy General and tell them to set aside a bowl of lime jello for you, because if Michelle ever sees these picture of you squiring her woman around town, she’s going to put your ass in the hospital.
Then again, I’m not completely sure Michelle knows how to operate a computer (or as she calls it ‘Not A Booze Dispenser‘) so Taylor might be safe. But still! I can’t get behind a home depot-wrecking hussy. And yes, I know that Taylor isn’t trying to fuck Cara; they were just going out for sushi and doing a little shopping. But you never know with that shady butterscotch sundae; everything is a potential break-up song (“Is this light bulb broken? GET MY GUITAR”).
And I would have done n-e-thang to see the look on Taffy Sinclair’s face when she saw what Cara was wearing on their friendship date. “Did you need some more time to get ready? You’re ready. Sorry Cara, but I can’t Instagram us doing super cute things if you’re not looking super cute. Gosh, friend collecting is so difficult these days.”
Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).
Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception - a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.
While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.
Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen America’s sunflower in a color darker than pastel mauve, so looking at this picture of Taylor Swift in head to to black is a little off-putting. Like the backwards crab walk from The Exorcist, or seeing Kim Kardashian hold a baby. I wonder what brought this badassery on? It’s got to be one of the following:
A) Taytay Butterscotch Sundae finally got up the nerve to watch Beetlejuice (even though it looked, like, totally scary) at her weekly cookies-n-cuddles sleepover and couldn’t believe just how much she was able to relate to 13-year-old Lydia Deetz.
B) Since her former BFF, Lorde, hasn’t been around much lately, so taking a cute from Grease, Taylor decides the best way to get Lorde back is to dress in sullen teen drag. And she’s almost mastered the facial expression, too (that’s Taylor’s best attempt at ‘not giving a fuck’).
C) She’s rebelling against her parents for not allowing her to have a sleepover on a school night. First she cuts off all her hair. Then she’s dressing all in black. Next she’ll be sneaking a cigarette behind the shed and getting her ears pierced at the mall by forging her mom’s signature. THAT’LL SHOW THEM!
Here’s more of Rosary Bittermoon (that’s what you get when you put Taylor Swift into a random goth name generator) apathetically walking through New York, mentally ranking her favorite songs by The Cure from sad to hopelessly sad, and thinking about the 1,200 ways society doesn’t “get” her:
Could it be true? Is America’s sunflower Taylor Swift really sitting at home every Friday night, nervously pacing back and forth in front of her pink princess phone, desperately waiting for a boy to call, BUT NO ONE IS CALLING?? How can this be? Are the halcyon days of Zoo dates and ice creams and beach blanket bingo officially over? SAY IT ISN’T SO!
Well, according to Radar, it is so and Taylor can forget about going steady and getting pinned, because a source is saying that her personality is turning guys off from even taking her out for a chocolate malt. Oooh, the source is that back-stabbing cat of hers, I just know it.
“Taylor’s advisers are tired of setting her up on dates only to have her strange personality scare men away. Taylor is almost impossible to find dates for because of the nature of her music, which focuses heavily on heartbreak and ex-boyfriends. None of the guys she shows interest in want to be the subject of a mean song six months down the road or be painted the bad guy, so Taylor’s team want her to take a break from boys.”
Oh no! What’s a peppermint marshmallow princess to do!? Taytay Butterscotch Sundae needs to find her prince charming before the stroke of midnight on the eve of her 25th birthday, otherwise she’ll turn into a ghoulish spinster-hag who’s only friends are her collection of creepy, one-eyed dolls. Surely there’s someone out there who shares similar interests with her. Honestly how hard is it to find a boy who also love kittens, sparkles, getting overly attached after the first date, collecting Lip Smackers, buying the house next door to your grandmother, baking gingerbread, picking out names for your future children – oh fuck, she’s doomed.
Lorde, the Emily the Strange doll with a spiral perm who was brought to life by The Craft witches, and 7 year high school senior Taylor Swift are friends, because 24-year-old Taylor has to take every teenage celebrity girl under her wing. Taylor has a lot of ~wisdom~ to share with the youngins, and teenagers won’t totally judge her when she wants to do something edgy like steal two bottles of Mike Hard’s Cranberry Lemonade from 7-Eleven and drink ‘em under the bleachers after curfew.
The two have been papped together, so while talking about her upcoming tour in Australia on KIIS 1065′s Kyle & Jackie Show, trolling radio troll Kyle Sandilands asked Lorde about her relationship with the walking Big Sister Club of America (And Beyond). Kyle tried to act like he wasn’t asking Lorde if her and Taylor are starring in a real-life remake of Blue Is The Warmest Color (but since it’s Taylor, it would be called Lemon Meringue Blonde Is The Warmest Color), but that’s what he was asking. Lorde wasn’t here for his Taylor Swift questions or for his lesbian jokes.
Kyle: Are you bringing your new bestie Taylor Swift? I see you guys in pictures everywhere. Are you guys together now?
Kyle: Not together, like as in lesbian, I’m not talking “Ellen” together. I’m talking about, you guys are friendly, right?
Lorde: What do you mean you’re not talking about “Ellen together.” Is there something wrong with lesbians? Is that what you’re trying to say?
Kyle: Oh my god no, I would love that. I would totally love that. Are you going to confirm you’re in a lesbian relationship with her?
Lorde: Don’t even try it.
The hell kind of question is that? Lorde is 17 (here comes the Lorde age truthers) and I know Taylor is a chickenhawk who likes them young, but I’m pretty sure 18 is her cut off. Lorde & Taylor (I bought my mom a scarf there once) are just a teenage girl and a 24-year-old woman who thinks she’s a teenage girl doing teenage girl stuff together as friends! That’s all. Besides Taylor doesn’t have time for a full-time relationship. She’s much too busy doing other things like breaking into Karlie Kloss’ closet and taking notes of all the clothes in there so she can buy the same things and studying hours upon hours of footage of Karlie Kloss’ breathing pattern so she can replicate it. Dating a 17-year-old? That’s crazy. Taylor isn’t that creepy!
Because all her other best girlfriends were busy with SAT prep and yearbook committee, the sentient American Girl doll that is Taylor Swift had to call up one of her over-20 BFMLSILY’s (Best Friends? More Like Sisters! I Love You) to join her on a road trip to Big Sur. And since Taylor’s currently pushing the hard Single White Female sale to Karlie Kloss, the two cranked the Michelle Branch and let loose on the open road.
Both Taylor and Karlie Instagrammed the shit out of their trip (because if it didn’t happen unless it happened on Instagram) and after looking at all the pictures, I’ve come to the conclusion I would never ever ever want to take a road trip with Taylor Swift, because it was some Sisterhood of the Traveling Peppermint Marshmallows bullshit.
So much goddamn hugging and kissing and staring in wonder at trees and dancing along the sand like you’re in a fucking tampon commercial; these pictures are so artificially sweet, Snow White is looking at them thinking “Jesus, take it down a notch, you’re going to give the woodland creatures tooth decay.” And all we needed was Zooey Deschanel to pop out of an enchanted tree stump with a ukelele, singing a song about friendship, and you’d have the Strawberry Shortcake version of Crossroads.