Taylor Swift, the twee yodeling love child of Vintage Barbie and a grown up Huckleberry Pie, recently did an interview with the Jules, Merrick and Sophie radio show in Australia and Sophie Monk (Never 4get Bardot) asked her what she thinks about critics saying that she only writes songs about dudes she’s dated. Tay Tay of Green Gables stamped that criticism with the VERY SEXIST label and said that haters gonna hate hate hate on her songs about ex-pieces, but yet the likes of jolly ginger Hobbit Ed Sheeran and grenade catcher Bruno Mars never get any shit thrown at them for writing songs about their ex pieces.
Last night, Olivia Benson had her paws firmly shoved into her pussy ear holes, because her human Taylor Swift probably shrieked, screamed and squirted (smells like that Victoria’s Secret fruit spray shit from the late 90s) when “Out of the Woods,” a diary entry set to a Tears For Fears instrumental, went #1 on iTunes and trended on Twatter just 4 seconds after she queefed it out. YouTube keeps yanking the song down, so you can listen to it here.
The country-yodeling Holly Hobbie doll turned cheerleader going through an Emo phase wrote the song with Jack Antonoff of Fun (and the boyfriend of Tay Tay’s BFFFFFFFF4EVA Lena Dunham). If you filled your ears with it already, then the sound of Tay Tay saying “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” over and over again has probably squirmed its way into your head and is refusing to leave. It’s the worst kind of mind control. I want to go to North Woods (aka the Christmas restaurant) just so I can walk out of there while saying to myself “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” on a loop. That North Woods reference will only make sense to you if you’ve thrown peanut shells on the floor like an old-timey cowboy while dining at my favorite San Gabriel Valley gourmet emporium.
Taylor said on Twatter last night that “Out of the Woods” is not her next single. She released it because the song best represents her album “1989.” So expect her album to be filled with songs that sound like something Savage Garden wrote for the musical theater adaptation of a young adult romance novel. Tay told Rolling Stone in that ridiculous cover interview that “Out of the Woods” is about a relationship she struggled to get through. It’s obviously about Harry Styles and I’m guessing that Taylor struggled through that shit, because every time they did kissing stuff, his pucker was extra weak since all of his focus was on the screen of his phone as he texted his BFF Nick Grimshaw about the latest Topman collection. And this lyric:
Remember when you hit the brakes too soon/Twenty stitches in a hospital room.
That’s about a snowmobile accident Taylor and the dude were in. Damn you, paparazzi. You take approximately 2,345,678 pictures daily of Taylor Swift walking from her apartment building to an SUV and yet you fail to take 1 picture of her flying off of a snowmobile after Harry Styles “accidentally” hit the brakes too fast. You failed yourself. You failed us all.
And in totally related news, Harry Styles had the barfs in a major way the other day and he had to pull over on the 101 in L.A. to let it go. This picture was taken minutes after he found out that Taylor’s song about him was about to come out:
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) October 13, 2014
The good thing is that nobody had to hold Harry’s locks for him, because he already had his hair pulled by like you before doing your nightly beauty regimen.
If in her hands, she was also holding a baby pink cotton lunch bag full of the heart-shaped raspberry and pastel yellow marzipan tarts she baked in her mint-colored 1950s oven and a couple of restraining orders from ex-boyfriends, this would be the Swiftiest picture ever.
It seems like every single day, Taylor Swift’s Vintage Barbie-looking ass is always taking a stroll in front of the paps from the front door of her Manhattan apartment building to an SUV. When you’ve seen one set of pictures of Tay Tay dressed like Ann Taylor’s answer to Betty Draper or a pre-Goth panda Jenny Humphrey from Gossip Girl, you’ve seen them all. Taylor knows this, so during yesterday’s choreographed and staged photo-op stroll, she brought along an adorable guest star: her pussy Olivia Benson! Olivia Benson looks so confused and something tells me that isn’t the first time a pussy has been perplexed by something Taylor’s hand is doing. (That “joke” that just soared over your head was supposed to be a fap joke. The 10 gallons of coffee I inhaled obviously haven’t yet hit the pile of mashed neurons I call a brain.)
Watching a person hold a cat friend like it’s a dog friend is like watching a power bottom get boned by two 10 inch peens in a porn. It seems complicated, almost impossible and you assume that a lot of drugs were involved.
My mom has a cat who lets ANYONE (even strangers) hold him like he’s a dog. But that cat also loves chips and El Pollo Loco, so he’s a freak of nature. Olivia Benson and my mom’s cat must be cut from the same bizarre cloth. I am disappointed, though. While going through these pictures, I hoped that my eyes would land on a picture of Olivia Benson tearing Tay Tay’s wannabe Cher Horowitz outfit to shreds after getting spooked by the paps. Next time, Olivia Benson. Next time.
More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!
Come-to-life butterscotch sundae Taylor Swift admitted during an interview with Rolling Stone (via UsWeekly) that there’s a song on her new album 1989 called “Bad Blood”, and it’s not a Weird Al-style parody of the final season of True Blood. Taylor confessed that it’s about a shady A-list showbiz bitch who pretended to be her friend for years while secretly doing her dirty behind her back. Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae doesn’t name-names (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR!) but she does sort-of give clues, not that we really needed any. Ah, Taylor – no matter how old she gets, she’ll always be a drama-loving middle-school Mean Girl at heart:
“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life? [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”
“I hate conflict” is the basic bitch equivalent to “I hate drama“. Taylor LOVES conflict! Literally every song this human sugar cookie writes is about a break-up or the haters or breaking-up with the haters. And yet she won’t say who she’s talking about. Ugh, there’s nothing I hate more than a trick who gives you gossip blue-balls! Just say who it is, Taylor! You’ve already spilled half the T – you wrote a damn song about it! Drop the bag! Her name rhymes with “Schmaty Schmerry“, just say it! Tea bag us with that name, Taylor! Wait, that didn’t sound right.
But if it’s not who I think it is and I had to guess who the two-faced jealous hag hurting Taylor’s feelings was, it’s probably that shady bitch Nerdy Natalie. Watch your back, Natalie – Meredith and Olivia Benson have your number!
Here’s Taylor “Shhhh” Swift serving up some strawberry-scented G-rated From Here To Eternity realness in Rolling Stone:
Since Taylor Swift is trying to be a total pop star now and pop stars are allergic to pants, she showed up to the MTV VMAs yesterday in a weird ass romper onesie thing that made it look like her Raspberry Tart was queefing up the alphabet. It looks like her pussy was screaming out a Harry Potter spell.
When pictures of Tay Tay’s error 404 ass hanging out of that onesie came out yesterday, I spent way too much trying to crack the code over her coochie wedgie. The letter “V” stamped on her vagine is an elegant touch, but I really don’t want to spend my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or any other day staring at her down low apple orchard and searching for her camel toe. “Searching For Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe” sounds like the most terrifying horror movie of all time.
Some whores on Twitter and Tumblr said that Tay Tay’s onesie looked like something their baby would wear. Okay, what in the hell kind of GD baby would wear that shit? That mess looks more like the modest swimsuit that a rebellious muslim would wear when she wants to rebel by showing some skin but doesn’t want to go too crazy.
And if you missed Tay Tay thinking she’s Roxie Hart during her VMAs performance of that “Shake It Off” song, click here to watch it. Below is Taylor’s “isolated vocals” from her performance courtesy of Deadspin. If you don’t want your neighbors to call the ASPCA to report a raccoon getting strangled in your house, listen to it with the volume all the way down.
If there was one time when the ears of humanity needed Kanye to snatch the mic away from Taylor, it was last night.
All together now: “But when was that bitch ever country?”
Country Music packed up all of Taylor Swift’s shit and put it on the curb today after she released the first single called “Shake It Off” from her first all-pop album called “1989,”which comes out in October. Taylor of Green Gables didn’t have to smear her porcelain skin with SPF 5,000 today, because The Country Music Association threw a little shade her way with this tweet (which they later deleted, -10 shade points for them):
Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo
Translation: “Don’t come crawling back to us, whore!”
Tay Tay queefed out her new song and video at some Yahoo! event today. Her new song sounds like a cross between a song that Avril Lavigne wrote in 2008 for a Pixar movie and a Jackson 5 b-side that the label rejected for being “too sweet.” At times, Taylor Swift even sounds like a young Michael Jackson with laryngitis. And the video. Well, if that still tells you anything…. This mess will make you cringe until your face muscles give out:
And that’s what you get when a commercial for The Gap and a Mickey Mouse Club skit circa 1995 lick up Miley Cyrus’ tongue skank before simultaneously barfing on the background of The Cosby Show intro.
That being said, I’m sure it’s already the #1 requested song at every spin class and thousands of people have already gone to the ER to beg doctors to please get that shit out of their heads.
And at least she didn’t write about an ex-boyfriend this time. I think.
Since Taylor Swift the Singer is still trying to make Taylor Swift the Actress happen (first seen in the long-running performance piece, A Beard For All Seasons), she appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon for that “Ew!” sketch that will never, ever die. As always, Jimmy Fallon was stuffed into some low-budget Lizzie McGuire drag to portray the long-lost 5th member of the Teen Girl Squad, Sara, who introduced her mom’s friend’s nerdy daughter Natalie. Except to call Taylor as Natalie “nerdy” is an understatement: it’s like Violet Anne Bickerstaff’s severely socially awkward half-sister got thrown into the gene-splicing machine from The Fly with Gretchen Grundler, an asthma inhaler, and Rita from Arrested Development. The only thing missing is a pair of elastic-ankle sweatpants (a true nerd would NEVER be caught dead in a pair of taupe leggings, Taylor), and maybe a couple more scrunchies? She only had like, what, 6?
I know Taylor is going for the whole “I’m not a model, I just live with one” thing, but I actually like Natalie a million times more than Taylor. Here’s what I know about Natalie: she has a bandaid collection (weird), she builds popsicle stick castles (awesome), she wears shirts on shirts on shirts (why not?), and bitch loves accessories. And here’s what I know about Taylor: she reminds me of Special K cereal. Natalie wins!
Here’s more of Nerdy Natalie’s boring alter ego, Take-A-Nap Taylor, on her way home from The Tonight Show last night.
I haven’t read “The Giver” since I was in the fourth grade (and even then, I probably just skimmed through it enough to have a vague understanding of the story, then went back to reading Betty and Veronica vs. That Slut Bitch Cheryl Blossom for the 1,384th time that week) but I don’t remember the color red being a thing. Cut to the worn-out copy of ”The Giver” on my bookcase, hissing: “IT’S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THEME IN THE NOVEL, YOU ILLITERATE TWAT!”
All I can remember is that “The Giver” was set in some black-and-white dystopia world where people couldn’t remember what hamburgers tasted like and they forgot what a lion was (that’s definitely a part in it, I’m sure) and that an old dude called The Giver gave you memories and shit. It was basically The Hunger Games dry humped The Notebook.
Anyways, either red is a very important aspect of that book that I’m forgetting since my brain is 99.9999% memories of Shark Bites Fruit Snacks commercials, or everyone just decided to dress up like their favorite shade of lipstick, because why the hell not. Every single ho who walked the red carpet at the NYC premiere of The Giver looking like a swatch from a CoverGirl collection called “Soft Romance”. Katie Holmes wore a dress in light pink (Xenu Blush, I believe), Odeya Rush wore a gown in Aspiring KStew Rose, Taylor Swift wore a dress in Republican Princess Red on top and Unsweetened Oatmeal on the bottom, and Meryl Streep wore pants, because Meryl Streep was entered the “Fuck Spanx” part of her life. Meryl Streep is smart. Oh, and she also wore red, because I believe you would have been turned away at the door if you didn’t.