Because all her other best girlfriends were busy with SAT prep and yearbook committee, the sentient American Girl doll that is Taylor Swift had to call up one of her over-20 BFMLSILY’s (Best Friends? More Like Sisters! I Love You) to join her on a road trip to Big Sur. And since Taylor’s currently pushing the hard Single White Female sale to Karlie Kloss, the two cranked the Michelle Branch and let loose on the open road.
Both Taylor and Karlie Instagrammed the shit out of their trip (because if it didn’t happen unless it happened on Instagram) and after looking at all the pictures, I’ve come to the conclusion I would never ever ever want to take a road trip with Taylor Swift, because it was some Sisterhood of the Traveling Peppermint Marshmallows bullshit.
So much goddamn hugging and kissing and staring in wonder at trees and dancing along the sand like you’re in a fucking tampon commercial; these pictures are so artificially sweet, Snow White is looking at them thinking “Jesus, take it down a notch, you’re going to give the woodland creatures tooth decay.” And all we needed was Zooey Deschanel to pop out of an enchanted tree stump with a ukelele, singing a song about friendship, and you’d have the Strawberry Shortcake version of Crossroads.
Jake Gyllenhaal Didn’t Show Up To Taylor Swift’s 21st Birthday Party After She Lost Her Virginity To Him
File this under: 3-year-old Taylor Swift FanFic written in the style of Judy Blume using lyrics from all of her songs.
Radar says that Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one hundred percent natural relationship didn’t end because the expiration date on their short-term bearding contract came up as expiration dates usually do. Some source (aka a bored intern who analyzes the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s songs during their off-time) says that Taylor and Jake broke up, because he broke her heart after breaking her Cherry Cuddler with his peen. Taylor was a 20-year-old virgin and she kept her treasured cherry in a crystal glass case and didn’t plan on losing it until her wedding night. But after “dating” Jake for 3 months, Taylor felt like he was really the one and so she popped that pussy on his peen. After doing her right, Jake did her wrong by no-showing to her 21st birthday party. Radar says that the original title for Taylor’s album Red was probably Cherry Poppin’ Blues, because the entire album is about Jake. The source shat out this piece of pure truth.
“The day before — all was set — he was coming, no issues. But the day of, she doesn’t hear from him at all. No texts, no calls. Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.
Her breakup with Jake inspired every word of RED. The song that specifically references this ‘event’ is ‘The Moment I Knew.’ They lyrics are all about her birthday party and Jake not showing up.”
I’ll wait here as you pour yourself a cup of throat coat tea and swallow an entire bag of lozenges, because you laughed your tonsils raw while reading that quote. Radar’s source got it all wrong. Jake didn’t “take” Taylor’s virginity. What really happened is that he took the last cherry tart they made in her Easy Bake Oven and that really pissed Taylor off so she disinvited him to her birthday party and then sent him a strawberry-scented envelope full of their shredded contract. That’s how they really broke up. The closest Taylor and Jake ever got to fucking was the time they were playing dolls in her play room (as part of their contract, he was forced to do that) and he kind of humped her Skipper doll with his Bow from She-Ra doll.
And here’s the song in question, and yeah, it’s totally about how thieving Jake stole the last cherry tart without asking.
I’m sure you already heard about this RED SIREN BREAKING NEWS since every network cut into their regularly scheduled programming last night to tell you about it and your iPhone screamed out an alert letting you know, but I’ll tell you anyway since that’s what any responsible journalist (HA!) would do. Yesterday, the worst selling American Girl doll Taylor Swift threw up a video on Instagram of her going full Karlie Kloss in front of an audience of people who really had no choice but to watch and look interested since she signs their checks.
Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms got some kind of bob and judging by that picture above, she also got Bob Costas’ pink eye. If you wiped that lipstick off of her mouth, she’d look like a 15-year-old Southern California skater boi who was discovered at a San Fernando Valley mall by a casting agent for Disney and put in a show that would eventually be called The Suite Life of Zack, Cody & Taylor. The long-lost Sprouse triplet has been found! Taylor could totally work as a 15-year-old twink decoy on To Catch A Predator. What I’m saying is that Taylor Swift would totally date that picture of Taylor Swift.
Here’s another picture of Taylor and her BREAKING NEWS BOB posing with Ellie Goulding:
This goes without typing, but Taylor will eventually write a #1 song about breaking up with those few inches of hair she cut off and those few inches of hair will tell Rolling Stone that the song hurt its feelings.
I always thought my spirit animal would come to me in the form of a talking bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in a drug rug, not a come-to-life Clifford with regrettable neck tattoos and sloppy Busta Rhymes hair; but I guess life happens when you’re making other plans (or something else I read on a poster in the washroom of my dentist’s office while furiously spitting out fluoride). Anyways, today I found a kindred spirit in Wiz Khalifa when Us Weekly reported that he recently admitted on Fashion Police that he fell asleep during Princess Taylor’s piano recital performance at the Grammy’s:
“I loved that you had the good watch on, which is the detail,” Fashion Police host Joan Rivers told Khalifa of his flashy accessory at the Jan. 26 Grammys in L.A. “How many times did you check that watch during Taylor Swift’s endless ballad?”
“We love Taylor,” Khalifa’s wife Amber Rose replied, diplomatically.
But Khalifa didn’t want to play so nice. “I love Taylor, but I’m not even gonna lie, I fell asleep,” he said. “Just a little bit . . . then I woke back up.”
You had me at falling asleep, you lost me at “I love Taylor”. I’m kidding! Everyone’s allowed to love one embarrassing thing. Some people have Del Taco. Others have Tevas. For me, it’s Ke$ha (and not in an ironic way, either. I legit would love to be friends with that terrifically sloppy dumb pastel mess). So I’ll give Wiz a pass on Taylor, but it’s so over if I ever hear him say “You know what? Two and a Half Men is actually really fucking funny”. YOU GET ONE. ONLY ONE.
The 2015 Grammy committee should take what Wiz is saying as a valid criticism of the show, and not just the brain fart of a guy who looks like he eats Crunch Berries all day long in his sweatpants. Taylor was boring. But you know what made her 1000% more interesting? When someone superimposed Ryu from Street Fighter kicking her in the face:
To prevent napping, they should film all the performances in advance and add in video game character doing dumb shit. How could anyone fall asleep to Sonic the Hedgehog running laps around Macklemore?
Between Beyoncé’s drowsy surfbort lip-synch, Macklemore’s drowsy wedding ceremony, and Madonna’s drowsy face (someone needs to start cutting her Botox with Four Loko) I assumed the televised Ambien spectacular known as The Grammy’s were going to end with thousands of blankets dropping from the ceiling of the Staples Centre and everyone taking a nap. But to the surprise of everyone still awake at home, it ended with the gif that keeps on giving: Taylor Swift pulling a Zoolander and thinking she won the Grammy for Album of the Year. When Alicia Keys (I’ll let you make your own jokes about her hair at home) announced the winner, Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories, Taylor thought she heard her own album, Red, and started to freak the fuck out like she just saw Bambi shoot his own mom and then turn the gun on himself. CHILL OUT, BITCH.
For a couple years now, Taylor’s been labouring under the delusion that if America’s Pretty Pretty Princess shows up to an awards show, they’ll HAVE to back a dump truck full of statues to her seat, so the sparkly pink plastic gears in her brain needed to work extra hard to process the idea that she didn’t win. And thanks to the internet, we have it all on video to watch over and over again. To quote Bart Simpson: “If you look closely, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment her heart breaks in two.”
And Daft Punk should probably go ahead and get in contact with Harry Styles to see when the support group meets, because we’re like 3 seconds away from another brutal Taylor Swift revenge song.
Here’s more of the real-life Taffy Sinclair at the Grammy’s before it all came crumbling down in a strawberry-scented, frosted lipstick sadness pile:
(Pics via Splash)
After Ricky Gervais was quickly shanked like a prison yard snitch for being too real at the 69th Golden Globe Awards, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were brought in to be funny, but not too funny (aka don’t be Ricky, or there will be a sharpened toothbrush handle with your names on it). Despite my skepticism, I thought they did a good job last year, especially when they took that strawberry-scented Holly Hobby doll Taylor Swift to task with the world’s tamest Taylor Swift joke, a joke which hurt Princess Tay-tay’s feeling enough for her to use Vanity Fair as her own personal Burn Book . Remember this quote from Taylor?
“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Just like Pepperidge Farms, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler remember. And last night (deep breath) Tina and Amy managed to quote Taylor’s quote about Tina and Amy as Taylor was sitting in the audience right in front of them. After Amy won for Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy for her role as Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation, Tina said:
“I love you, and there’s a special place in hell for you.”
And that’s when I erased my grade of B and bumped it up to an A+++, two thumbs up, and 5 Amazon stars for their hosting duties. That Vanity Fair article came out last March. March. It’s January. That means Tina has been sitting on that diss for 10 months. You know what that’s called? Jedi-level trolling. BOW DOWN, BITCHES.
Of course, they did have some other good non-Taylor jokes last night:
Poehler: “A very good evening to everyone here in the room, and to all the women and gay men watching at home.”
Fey: “Gravity is nominated for Best Motion Picture. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
Poehler: “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.”
Then Tina made a sort of not-right joke about The Black List and Somali pirates, and the pencil I was taking notes with quit that bitch. But overall, good job ladies!
Ryan Seacrest called this pic of Jennifer Lawrence photobombing Taylor Swift “the single most important photo” of the Golden Globes red carpet. Girlfriend, please! Seacrest is just trying to draw attention away from the fact that he got caught daydreaming about Bradley Cooper’s dick during his interview. Jennifer was brought up the stairs but threw out Act 4583486 from her one-woman show called “How To Be the Extra-est Bitch In the History Of Extra Bitches” by sneaking up behind Taylor looking like the fucking tickle monster dressed in malaria netting and electrical tape and butting into Taylor’s interview (via UsWeekly).
“I was going to come in and push you down the stairs,” the Oscar winner quipped to the country-pop superstar. “I was like, ‘She’ll crack up. She would really love that.‘”
Don’t make us promises you’re not going to keep, bitch!
Taylor and JLaw chatted like a couple of besties at a slumber party while Seacrest stood by looking like the awkward cousin your mom made you invite. Ryan did manage to ask if Jennifer had ever been to one of Taylor’s concerts and Jennifer had more jokes and said she’d never been invited but that the two of them stay in touch.
“Oh my God, I freaked out over the CMAs,” Lawrence gushed. “I sent her a text message that was like six inches long.“
Watch out, Jennifer! Anytime someone tries to give Taylor something that’s six inches long, they get raked over the fucking coals as the subject of her next single.
Here are pics of Taylor on the red carpet and at the InStyle and Warner Bros after party.
Right after Taylor Swift almost made Britain declare war on our asses by desecrating the Union Jack at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in NYC, VS model Jessica Hart squirted out a thin stream of shade through her teef gap at the after-party. When WWD asked Jessica Hart if Taylor Swift could make it as a bra and panties model, she turned the apple picking set against her when she said this about their queen:
“No… God bless her heart. I think she’s great… But I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”
After Jessica Hart realized that Taylor will probably get revenge on her by fucking her man (Side note: Gappy bitch is dating NACHOS!) before writing a hit song called “You’ve Got A Gap In Your Hart,” she did the damage control shuffle a week later by saying this to UsWeekly:
“I adore Taylor Swift and I was so excited to be with her at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show… She is a true rock star and she absolutely killed it the other night.”
But Jessica Hart’s shameless lies to keep getting booked by VS didn’t work. Page Six says that VS executives are obviously a bunch of Swifty fans who get together every Saturday night to make strawberry snow cones on their Snoopy Sno Cone machine while singing karaoke to Taylor Swift songs, because they have decided to never use Jessica Hart again. Jessica Hart won’t walk in anymore VS shows and they’ll never book her for catalogs or ads again. Swifty strikes again and that eery cold wind that just blew between Jessica’s gap is from Taylor cackling over this while having tea with the yarn animals she knitted.
Victoria’s Secret is crazy, though. How are they going to replace Jessica Hart?! Where are they going to find another skinny ass blonde model who’s about as bland as tap water gravy on top of a pile of hospital mashed potatoes? Oh yeah, they can always borrow one from Leonardo DiCaprio’s stash. He can lend them one or two.
UPDATE: The president of VS tells E! that Jessica Hart didn’t get dropped and they plan to work with her in the future.
And Here’s The Video Of Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift And Prince William Singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” Together
Yesterday, I linked to a post about Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift and Prince William awkwardly singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” together at the
Winter White People Gala Winter Whites Gala at Kensington Palace in London and now here’s the video of it. It’s like watching your 9-year-old former child beauty queen cousin (the one who got kicked out of Karen’s Kids for hogging up the mic all the time), your dad and your socially awkward and permanently constipated uncle sing karaoke while completely sober at a wedding.
From Taylor moving like a baby giraffe trying to ice skate to Prince William looking about as nervous as me when I went to a children’s party and realized there was no booze (I was 8), this is every kind of awkward. If only Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t currently spooning with a bear in his tent during his trek to the South Pole. He would’ve saved the show by drunkenly singing out the wrong words before falling onto Taylor causing both of them to hit the floor. PHG would’ve gotten a standing ovation, mostly because he put a stop to Taylor’s dancing.
I really deserve a double Alexis Carrington slap to both of my fucking face cheeks for even comparing that basic bitch Taylor Swift to the legendary SammyJo. Taylor Swift looks like a Dollar Tree broom going to a Halloween party as Sammy Jo Carrington. But really, when I saw Taylor Swift at the American Music Awards tonight, I got severe shades of Sammy Jo. The truth is, the comparison is not totally crazy, because Taylor Swift will probably end up marrying a gay dude and we all know that she’s kidnapped a white guy or two. But the biggest difference is that Taylor Swift could never bust out sweet, sweet, boner-inducing moves like these:
I know I post that clip way too often, but if I didn’t post it at least once every couple months, I’d probably wilt like a dick in front of Parasite Hilton’s pussy, because Sammy Jo dancing is life’s oxygen. And I know Taylor Swift is a boy trap who is the only 23-year-old on Earth who makes heart-shaped raspberry tarts in her Easy Bake Oven, but I have to give her credit for doing herself up like Sammy Jo. It’s best decision she’s ever made her in her life!