When buff giraffe Calvin Harris and yodeling giraffe Taylor Swift pinky swore to keep the details of their relationship between them, she was obviously crossing her fingers behind her back, because DUH. Trick has hit songs to write. But Calvin may also have been crossing his fingers behind his back, because he may have spilled some shit on Instagram yesterday.
“On your left, is the French impressionist painting titled ‘Stunt Queens At A Concert’ by Monet’s ghost, 2016” – a tour guide at the Shameless PR Couples Hall of Fame and Museum.
Okay, it’s one thing to dance like a malfunctioning cymbal monkey next to Taylor Swift at the Met Gala. But busting out some awkward dad head bops at a Selena Gomez concert is another thing that does not need to happen ever. One week after their young adult romance book cover photo shoot came out in The Sun, Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston hugged on each other and danced together at her BFF Selena Gomez’s show in Nashville, TN last night. When Meat Loaf sings, “I would do anything for love,” (or in this case, “I would do anything for PR“) he meant anything BUT dance at a Selena Gomez concert.
Videos of ToTay dancing have popped up on Twitter and Snapchat, and I know he’s only 9 years older than her, but he looks like an uncomfortable suburban dad chaperone trying to look like a cool and hip dad in front of his daughter’s tween friends at a Selena Gomez concert. I mean, Selena Gomez!
It hasn’t even been one full week since Tom Hiddleston started officially promoting his latest project, being Taylor Swift’s 100% real piece, and he’s already doing thirsty shit like this. I guess you gotta strike while the PR whore iron is piping hot.
Uh oh… Do you hear that? It’s the woodland creatures. They’ve stopped crying, but now they sound angry. Almost like it’s building to a battle cry, a blood thirsty one. I didn’t think it would come to this, but I suppose it has. I also didn’t think you could buy the loyalty of woodland creatures, thereby turning yourself into a Disney princess, but hey, Taylor Swift is loaded. And it’s the blood of Calvin Harris they want. Despite the fact that a new report is saying that Taylor is the bad girlfriend in this after all.
Some things continue to shock me. Like the beauty of a sunset or the smell of Chinatown garbage in the summer. These are just wonders of the world I suppose. Much like Amber Rose and her ability to get money and stay in the public eye. She has a VH1 talk show coming out, which means she needs to step up the media game and get that “watch my show!” press. In her latest push, Amber gives us her thoughts on pop singer and noted lover (then hater) of men, Taylor Swift.
Before we get into the most romantic dinner of the century, I must say that swan pastry is much too fabulous to be eaten. It doesn’t belong in someone’s stomach. It belongs on the Las Vegas stage, because bitch is working that voluminous whipped cream boa like no other. No, that whipped cream isn’t its body, it’s its costume. I bet Taylor Swift ordered the server to get that swan pastry out of her sight because she was jealous of all the charisma and glamour it possessed. And yes, I was completely sober while writing that little bit about the Liberace pastry swan. Moving on…
Seen above inhaling the silicone-encrusted fart that finally escaped from in between Kim Kartrashian’s ass cheeks after hours of struggling, Taylor Swift was supposedly pissed when Kanye West claimed that she approved a lyric he wrote about her. In a track called “Famous” from Kanye’s latest album, The Life of Pablo, there’s a lyric that goes, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex, I made that bitch famous.” Kanye claimed that Taylor was not only okay with the lyric, she came up with it and laughed at it. Taylor’s rep claimed that she never okay’d it and definitely didn’t come up with the idea. And at the Grammys, Taylor gave a “GIRL POWAH” speech that was obviously directed at her forever arch rival Kanye West. Well, now Kim is saying that Taylor should change her name to TayLIES, because she did approve that lyric and there’s video footage that proves it. Dun dun dun!
Very early this morning in his basement studio, DJ Calvin Harris sadly sat in front of his computer and pulled a Taylor Swift by using his broken emotions to bust out a sad song of betrayal using sick (but yet melancholy) beats. The heart that lives inside of Calvin Harris’ muscled-up, waxed chest immediately broke into a thousand pieces after he saw those pictures of his girlfriend of 15 months (which is 97 years in TTT: Tay Tay Time) getting into a loved-up photo-op with Tom Hiddleston on the rocks in front of her beachfront Rhode Island mansion. A single tear of betrayal threw itself out of Calvin’s eye and slid down his cheek as he thought about how he used to be the one who starred in staged photo shoots for attention with Taylor. And yes, Calvin’s heartbreak EDM song will be called “You Broke My Heart On That Rock (On That Rock).” Katy Perry will do the vocals.
Just when I said that the slow summer gossip season had begun, The Sun just had to cause Tumblr to flood with the tears of Hiddlestoners by posting a bunch of pictures of Tom Hiddleston sucking the Easy Bake Oven strawberry tart glaze off of Taylor Swift’s lips.
Taylor took off her Claddagh promise ring from Calvin Harris just took weeks ago, and today The Sun posted a bunch of pictures of her getting on Tumblr’s panty pudding-summoning prince on the beach near her mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. Calvin Harris also unfollowed Tay Tay on all his social media accounts and deleted any posts featuring her face. That may or may not mean that Tom should expect to be welcomed into The Home Wreckers Club by Sienna Miller. Finally Taylor did something right by giving us a SCANDAL!
At the Met Gala last month, Tay Tay and Tom were caught dancing together like two constipated chickens on crack. Of course, the tabloids said that the two were flirting and most of us laughed at the idea of them becoming a thing. But I guess Tom’s publicist and Taylor’s publicist got together and made that rumor come true!
A source (aka Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson) tells The Sun that Tom has been trying to get with Taylor ever since they met at the Met Gala. He sent her flowers and it worked. But another source tells E! News that they’re just keeping it casual right now:
“Taylor is hanging out with Tom. Nothing serious is going on but she is talking to him. They have been out a few times she really enjoys his company. She is not looking to jump into anything this fast, but will take things as it goes nice and slowly.”
I’m guessing “taking things slowly” means that she hasn’t picked out her wedding dress yet, but she’s already written half a dozen songs about him, chosen the outfit she’ll wear when they make their Instagram debut and braided herself a bracelet out of his pubes.
We all need a laugh lately, so go to The Sun to see all the hilarious pictures of HiddleSwift on the beach. Those pictures look about as genuine and spontaneous as Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally not-staged couples photo shoot. Those pictures of HiddleSwift look like stills from the worst Nicholas Sparks movie ever. I love it all.
The theme of 2016’s Celebrity Prom will continue to be “Available” until further notice. Devi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama announced the breakup of their six-year relationship in a co-signed post on both of their Instagram accounts yesterday.
“This was an incredibly difficult decision for both of us, but we have realized more than anything that we are better as best friends. We will always be supportive of one another.”
Demi, 23, and Wilmer, 36, met when they were both shooting a Voto Latino PSA at Wilmer’s house in 2010. Demi told And Pop (via Bustle) that Wilmer won her over by complimenting her on using her Disney platform to do good things. These good things would include filming political action PSAs at his house to make it way more convenient for him to drill another barely legal House of Mouse starlet .
Celebrity feminist designator Demi is obviously continuing her subtle bedevilment of Taylor Swift with this maneuver. Just when we were drying our eyes from the tears shed over Swifty and DJ Matching Outfits reportedly breaking up, Demi tries eclipsing her ass with this! She might as well have addressed that post to “Dear Fake-Ass Taylor”!
You can check out the Instagram post below (as well as pics of Demi performing with Brad Paisley on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last month). I’m not sure why it’s under the category of “Poems.” That shit is without iambic pentameter. It doesn’t even rhyme.