I am not a smart person (understatement of the centuryyyyy), but I do know what danger is. Danger is buying $0.49 sandwich from a gas station convenience store. Danger is looking at a questionable dick and thinking ‘I’m sure that’s just an ingrown hair’. But the most dangerous danger of all is coming between two crazy-ass unstable booze-guzzling gayelles! Taylor Swift must be feeling brave after buying that leather jacket, because she dared to spend yesterday hanging out with Michelle Rodriguez’s current partner in coochie-cuddling, Cara Delevingne. Damn girl, you might wanna call Mercy General and tell them to set aside a bowl of lime jello for you, because if Michelle ever sees these picture of you squiring her woman around town, she’s going to put your ass in the hospital.
Then again, I’m not completely sure Michelle knows how to operate a computer (or as she calls it ‘Not A Booze Dispenser‘) so Taylor might be safe. But still! I can’t get behind a home depot-wrecking hussy. And yes, I know that Taylor isn’t trying to fuck Cara; they were just going out for sushi and doing a little shopping. But you never know with that shady butterscotch sundae; everything is a potential break-up song (“Is this light bulb broken? GET MY GUITAR”).
And I would have done n-e-thang to see the look on Taffy Sinclair’s face when she saw what Cara was wearing on their friendship date. “Did you need some more time to get ready? You’re ready. Sorry Cara, but I can’t Instagram us doing super cute things if you’re not looking super cute. Gosh, friend collecting is so difficult these days.”
Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).
Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception - a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.
While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.
Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen America’s sunflower in a color darker than pastel mauve, so looking at this picture of Taylor Swift in head to to black is a little off-putting. Like the backwards crab walk from The Exorcist, or seeing Kim Kardashian hold a baby. I wonder what brought this badassery on? It’s got to be one of the following:
A) Taytay Butterscotch Sundae finally got up the nerve to watch Beetlejuice (even though it looked, like, totally scary) at her weekly cookies-n-cuddles sleepover and couldn’t believe just how much she was able to relate to 13-year-old Lydia Deetz.
B) Since her former BFF, Lorde, hasn’t been around much lately, so taking a cute from Grease, Taylor decides the best way to get Lorde back is to dress in sullen teen drag. And she’s almost mastered the facial expression, too (that’s Taylor’s best attempt at ‘not giving a fuck’).
C) She’s rebelling against her parents for not allowing her to have a sleepover on a school night. First she cuts off all her hair. Then she’s dressing all in black. Next she’ll be sneaking a cigarette behind the shed and getting her ears pierced at the mall by forging her mom’s signature. THAT’LL SHOW THEM!
Here’s more of Rosary Bittermoon (that’s what you get when you put Taylor Swift into a random goth name generator) apathetically walking through New York, mentally ranking her favorite songs by The Cure from sad to hopelessly sad, and thinking about the 1,200 ways society doesn’t “get” her:
Could it be true? Is America’s sunflower Taylor Swift really sitting at home every Friday night, nervously pacing back and forth in front of her pink princess phone, desperately waiting for a boy to call, BUT NO ONE IS CALLING?? How can this be? Are the halcyon days of Zoo dates and ice creams and beach blanket bingo officially over? SAY IT ISN’T SO!
Well, according to Radar, it is so and Taylor can forget about going steady and getting pinned, because a source is saying that her personality is turning guys off from even taking her out for a chocolate malt. Oooh, the source is that back-stabbing cat of hers, I just know it.
“Taylor’s advisers are tired of setting her up on dates only to have her strange personality scare men away. Taylor is almost impossible to find dates for because of the nature of her music, which focuses heavily on heartbreak and ex-boyfriends. None of the guys she shows interest in want to be the subject of a mean song six months down the road or be painted the bad guy, so Taylor’s team want her to take a break from boys.”
Oh no! What’s a peppermint marshmallow princess to do!? Taytay Butterscotch Sundae needs to find her prince charming before the stroke of midnight on the eve of her 25th birthday, otherwise she’ll turn into a ghoulish spinster-hag who’s only friends are her collection of creepy, one-eyed dolls. Surely there’s someone out there who shares similar interests with her. Honestly how hard is it to find a boy who also love kittens, sparkles, getting overly attached after the first date, collecting Lip Smackers, buying the house next door to your grandmother, baking gingerbread, picking out names for your future children – oh fuck, she’s doomed.
Lorde, the Emily the Strange doll with a spiral perm who was brought to life by The Craft witches, and 7 year high school senior Taylor Swift are friends, because 24-year-old Taylor has to take every teenage celebrity girl under her wing. Taylor has a lot of ~wisdom~ to share with the youngins, and teenagers won’t totally judge her when she wants to do something edgy like steal two bottles of Mike Hard’s Cranberry Lemonade from 7-Eleven and drink ‘em under the bleachers after curfew.
The two have been papped together, so while talking about her upcoming tour in Australia on KIIS 1065′s Kyle & Jackie Show, trolling radio troll Kyle Sandilands asked Lorde about her relationship with the walking Big Sister Club of America (And Beyond). Kyle tried to act like he wasn’t asking Lorde if her and Taylor are starring in a real-life remake of Blue Is The Warmest Color (but since it’s Taylor, it would be called Lemon Meringue Blonde Is The Warmest Color), but that’s what he was asking. Lorde wasn’t here for his Taylor Swift questions or for his lesbian jokes.
Kyle: Are you bringing your new bestie Taylor Swift? I see you guys in pictures everywhere. Are you guys together now?
Kyle: Not together, like as in lesbian, I’m not talking “Ellen” together. I’m talking about, you guys are friendly, right?
Lorde: What do you mean you’re not talking about “Ellen together.” Is there something wrong with lesbians? Is that what you’re trying to say?
Kyle: Oh my god no, I would love that. I would totally love that. Are you going to confirm you’re in a lesbian relationship with her?
Lorde: Don’t even try it.
The hell kind of question is that? Lorde is 17 (here comes the Lorde age truthers) and I know Taylor is a chickenhawk who likes them young, but I’m pretty sure 18 is her cut off. Lorde & Taylor (I bought my mom a scarf there once) are just a teenage girl and a 24-year-old woman who thinks she’s a teenage girl doing teenage girl stuff together as friends! That’s all. Besides Taylor doesn’t have time for a full-time relationship. She’s much too busy doing other things like breaking into Karlie Kloss’ closet and taking notes of all the clothes in there so she can buy the same things and studying hours upon hours of footage of Karlie Kloss’ breathing pattern so she can replicate it. Dating a 17-year-old? That’s crazy. Taylor isn’t that creepy!
Because all her other best girlfriends were busy with SAT prep and yearbook committee, the sentient American Girl doll that is Taylor Swift had to call up one of her over-20 BFMLSILY’s (Best Friends? More Like Sisters! I Love You) to join her on a road trip to Big Sur. And since Taylor’s currently pushing the hard Single White Female sale to Karlie Kloss, the two cranked the Michelle Branch and let loose on the open road.
Both Taylor and Karlie Instagrammed the shit out of their trip (because if it didn’t happen unless it happened on Instagram) and after looking at all the pictures, I’ve come to the conclusion I would never ever ever want to take a road trip with Taylor Swift, because it was some Sisterhood of the Traveling Peppermint Marshmallows bullshit.
So much goddamn hugging and kissing and staring in wonder at trees and dancing along the sand like you’re in a fucking tampon commercial; these pictures are so artificially sweet, Snow White is looking at them thinking “Jesus, take it down a notch, you’re going to give the woodland creatures tooth decay.” And all we needed was Zooey Deschanel to pop out of an enchanted tree stump with a ukelele, singing a song about friendship, and you’d have the Strawberry Shortcake version of Crossroads.
Jake Gyllenhaal Didn’t Show Up To Taylor Swift’s 21st Birthday Party After She Lost Her Virginity To Him
File this under: 3-year-old Taylor Swift FanFic written in the style of Judy Blume using lyrics from all of her songs.
Radar says that Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s one hundred percent natural relationship didn’t end because the expiration date on their short-term bearding contract came up as expiration dates usually do. Some source (aka a bored intern who analyzes the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s songs during their off-time) says that Taylor and Jake broke up, because he broke her heart after breaking her Cherry Cuddler with his peen. Taylor was a 20-year-old virgin and she kept her treasured cherry in a crystal glass case and didn’t plan on losing it until her wedding night. But after “dating” Jake for 3 months, Taylor felt like he was really the one and so she popped that pussy on his peen. After doing her right, Jake did her wrong by no-showing to her 21st birthday party. Radar says that the original title for Taylor’s album Red was probably Cherry Poppin’ Blues, because the entire album is about Jake. The source shat out this piece of pure truth.
“The day before — all was set — he was coming, no issues. But the day of, she doesn’t hear from him at all. No texts, no calls. Taylor thought maybe he was planning some sort of surprise. Nope. He didn’t show up and she locked herself in the bathroom and cried the entire night.
Her breakup with Jake inspired every word of RED. The song that specifically references this ‘event’ is ‘The Moment I Knew.’ They lyrics are all about her birthday party and Jake not showing up.”
I’ll wait here as you pour yourself a cup of throat coat tea and swallow an entire bag of lozenges, because you laughed your tonsils raw while reading that quote. Radar’s source got it all wrong. Jake didn’t “take” Taylor’s virginity. What really happened is that he took the last cherry tart they made in her Easy Bake Oven and that really pissed Taylor off so she disinvited him to her birthday party and then sent him a strawberry-scented envelope full of their shredded contract. That’s how they really broke up. The closest Taylor and Jake ever got to fucking was the time they were playing dolls in her play room (as part of their contract, he was forced to do that) and he kind of humped her Skipper doll with his Bow from She-Ra doll.
And here’s the song in question, and yeah, it’s totally about how thieving Jake stole the last cherry tart without asking.
I’m sure you already heard about this RED SIREN BREAKING NEWS since every network cut into their regularly scheduled programming last night to tell you about it and your iPhone screamed out an alert letting you know, but I’ll tell you anyway since that’s what any responsible journalist (HA!) would do. Yesterday, the worst selling American Girl doll Taylor Swift threw up a video on Instagram of her going full Karlie Kloss in front of an audience of people who really had no choice but to watch and look interested since she signs their checks.
Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms got some kind of bob and judging by that picture above, she also got Bob Costas’ pink eye. If you wiped that lipstick off of her mouth, she’d look like a 15-year-old Southern California skater boi who was discovered at a San Fernando Valley mall by a casting agent for Disney and put in a show that would eventually be called The Suite Life of Zack, Cody & Taylor. The long-lost Sprouse triplet has been found! Taylor could totally work as a 15-year-old twink decoy on To Catch A Predator. What I’m saying is that Taylor Swift would totally date that picture of Taylor Swift.
Here’s another picture of Taylor and her BREAKING NEWS BOB posing with Ellie Goulding:
This goes without typing, but Taylor will eventually write a #1 song about breaking up with those few inches of hair she cut off and those few inches of hair will tell Rolling Stone that the song hurt its feelings.
I always thought my spirit animal would come to me in the form of a talking bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in a drug rug, not a come-to-life Clifford with regrettable neck tattoos and sloppy Busta Rhymes hair; but I guess life happens when you’re making other plans (or something else I read on a poster in the washroom of my dentist’s office while furiously spitting out fluoride). Anyways, today I found a kindred spirit in Wiz Khalifa when Us Weekly reported that he recently admitted on Fashion Police that he fell asleep during Princess Taylor’s piano recital performance at the Grammy’s:
“I loved that you had the good watch on, which is the detail,” Fashion Police host Joan Rivers told Khalifa of his flashy accessory at the Jan. 26 Grammys in L.A. “How many times did you check that watch during Taylor Swift’s endless ballad?”
“We love Taylor,” Khalifa’s wife Amber Rose replied, diplomatically.
But Khalifa didn’t want to play so nice. “I love Taylor, but I’m not even gonna lie, I fell asleep,” he said. “Just a little bit . . . then I woke back up.”
You had me at falling asleep, you lost me at “I love Taylor”. I’m kidding! Everyone’s allowed to love one embarrassing thing. Some people have Del Taco. Others have Tevas. For me, it’s Ke$ha (and not in an ironic way, either. I legit would love to be friends with that terrifically sloppy dumb pastel mess). So I’ll give Wiz a pass on Taylor, but it’s so over if I ever hear him say “You know what? Two and a Half Men is actually really fucking funny”. YOU GET ONE. ONLY ONE.
The 2015 Grammy committee should take what Wiz is saying as a valid criticism of the show, and not just the brain fart of a guy who looks like he eats Crunch Berries all day long in his sweatpants. Taylor was boring. But you know what made her 1000% more interesting? When someone superimposed Ryu from Street Fighter kicking her in the face:
To prevent napping, they should film all the performances in advance and add in video game character doing dumb shit. How could anyone fall asleep to Sonic the Hedgehog running laps around Macklemore?
Between Beyoncé’s drowsy surfbort lip-synch, Macklemore’s drowsy wedding ceremony, and Madonna’s drowsy face (someone needs to start cutting her Botox with Four Loko) I assumed the televised Ambien spectacular known as The Grammy’s were going to end with thousands of blankets dropping from the ceiling of the Staples Centre and everyone taking a nap. But to the surprise of everyone still awake at home, it ended with the gif that keeps on giving: Taylor Swift pulling a Zoolander and thinking she won the Grammy for Album of the Year. When Alicia Keys (I’ll let you make your own jokes about her hair at home) announced the winner, Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories, Taylor thought she heard her own album, Red, and started to freak the fuck out like she just saw Bambi shoot his own mom and then turn the gun on himself. CHILL OUT, BITCH.
For a couple years now, Taylor’s been labouring under the delusion that if America’s Pretty Pretty Princess shows up to an awards show, they’ll HAVE to back a dump truck full of statues to her seat, so the sparkly pink plastic gears in her brain needed to work extra hard to process the idea that she didn’t win. And thanks to the internet, we have it all on video to watch over and over again. To quote Bart Simpson: “If you look closely, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment her heart breaks in two.”
And Daft Punk should probably go ahead and get in contact with Harry Styles to see when the support group meets, because we’re like 3 seconds away from another brutal Taylor Swift revenge song.
Here’s more of the real-life Taffy Sinclair at the Grammy’s before it all came crumbling down in a strawberry-scented, frosted lipstick sadness pile:
(Pics via Splash)