If in her hands, she was also holding a baby pink cotton lunch bag full of the heart-shaped raspberry and pastel yellow marzipan tarts she baked in her mint-colored 1950s oven and a couple of restraining orders from ex-boyfriends, this would be the Swiftiest picture ever.
It seems like every single day, Taylor Swift’s Vintage Barbie-looking ass is always taking a stroll in front of the paps from the front door of her Manhattan apartment building to an SUV. When you’ve seen one set of pictures of Tay Tay dressed like Ann Taylor’s answer to Betty Draper or a pre-Goth panda Jenny Humphrey from Gossip Girl, you’ve seen them all. Taylor knows this, so during yesterday’s choreographed and staged photo-op stroll, she brought along an adorable guest star: her pussy Olivia Benson! Olivia Benson looks so confused and something tells me that isn’t the first time a pussy has been perplexed by something Taylor’s hand is doing. (That “joke” that just soared over your head was supposed to be a fap joke. The 10 gallons of coffee I inhaled obviously haven’t yet hit the pile of mashed neurons I call a brain.)
Watching a person hold a cat friend like it’s a dog friend is like watching a power bottom get boned by two 10 inch peens in a porn. It seems complicated, almost impossible and you assume that a lot of drugs were involved.
My mom has a cat who lets ANYONE (even strangers) hold him like he’s a dog. But that cat also loves chips and El Pollo Loco, so he’s a freak of nature. Olivia Benson and my mom’s cat must be cut from the same bizarre cloth. I am disappointed, though. While going through these pictures, I hoped that my eyes would land on a picture of Olivia Benson tearing Tay Tay’s wannabe Cher Horowitz outfit to shreds after getting spooked by the paps. Next time, Olivia Benson. Next time.
More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.
But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!
Come-to-life butterscotch sundae Taylor Swift admitted during an interview with Rolling Stone (via UsWeekly) that there’s a song on her new album 1989 called “Bad Blood”, and it’s not a Weird Al-style parody of the final season of True Blood. Taylor confessed that it’s about a shady A-list showbiz bitch who pretended to be her friend for years while secretly doing her dirty behind her back. Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae doesn’t name-names (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR!) but she does sort-of give clues, not that we really needed any. Ah, Taylor – no matter how old she gets, she’ll always be a drama-loving middle-school Mean Girl at heart:
“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life? [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”
“I hate conflict” is the basic bitch equivalent to “I hate drama“. Taylor LOVES conflict! Literally every song this human sugar cookie writes is about a break-up or the haters or breaking-up with the haters. And yet she won’t say who she’s talking about. Ugh, there’s nothing I hate more than a trick who gives you gossip blue-balls! Just say who it is, Taylor! You’ve already spilled half the T – you wrote a damn song about it! Drop the bag! Her name rhymes with “Schmaty Schmerry“, just say it! Tea bag us with that name, Taylor! Wait, that didn’t sound right.
But if it’s not who I think it is and I had to guess who the two-faced jealous hag hurting Taylor’s feelings was, it’s probably that shady bitch Nerdy Natalie. Watch your back, Natalie – Meredith and Olivia Benson have your number!
Here’s Taylor “Shhhh” Swift serving up some strawberry-scented G-rated From Here To Eternity realness in Rolling Stone:
Since Taylor Swift is trying to be a total pop star now and pop stars are allergic to pants, she showed up to the MTV VMAs yesterday in a weird ass romper onesie thing that made it look like her Raspberry Tart was queefing up the alphabet. It looks like her pussy was screaming out a Harry Potter spell.
When pictures of Tay Tay’s error 404 ass hanging out of that onesie came out yesterday, I spent way too much trying to crack the code over her coochie wedgie. The letter “V” stamped on her vagine is an elegant touch, but I really don’t want to spend my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or any other day staring at her down low apple orchard and searching for her camel toe. “Searching For Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe” sounds like the most terrifying horror movie of all time.
Some whores on Twitter and Tumblr said that Tay Tay’s onesie looked like something their baby would wear. Okay, what in the hell kind of GD baby would wear that shit? That mess looks more like the modest swimsuit that a rebellious muslim would wear when she wants to rebel by showing some skin but doesn’t want to go too crazy.
And if you missed Tay Tay thinking she’s Roxie Hart during her VMAs performance of that “Shake It Off” song, click here to watch it. Below is Taylor’s “isolated vocals” from her performance courtesy of Deadspin. If you don’t want your neighbors to call the ASPCA to report a raccoon getting strangled in your house, listen to it with the volume all the way down.
If there was one time when the ears of humanity needed Kanye to snatch the mic away from Taylor, it was last night.
All together now: “But when was that bitch ever country?”
Country Music packed up all of Taylor Swift’s shit and put it on the curb today after she released the first single called “Shake It Off” from her first all-pop album called “1989,”which comes out in October. Taylor of Green Gables didn’t have to smear her porcelain skin with SPF 5,000 today, because The Country Music Association threw a little shade her way with this tweet (which they later deleted, -10 shade points for them):
Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo
Translation: “Don’t come crawling back to us, whore!”
Tay Tay queefed out her new song and video at some Yahoo! event today. Her new song sounds like a cross between a song that Avril Lavigne wrote in 2008 for a Pixar movie and a Jackson 5 b-side that the label rejected for being “too sweet.” At times, Taylor Swift even sounds like a young Michael Jackson with laryngitis. And the video. Well, if that still tells you anything…. This mess will make you cringe until your face muscles give out:
And that’s what you get when a commercial for The Gap and a Mickey Mouse Club skit circa 1995 lick up Miley Cyrus’ tongue skank before simultaneously barfing on the background of The Cosby Show intro.
That being said, I’m sure it’s already the #1 requested song at every spin class and thousands of people have already gone to the ER to beg doctors to please get that shit out of their heads.
And at least she didn’t write about an ex-boyfriend this time. I think.
Since Taylor Swift the Singer is still trying to make Taylor Swift the Actress happen (first seen in the long-running performance piece, A Beard For All Seasons), she appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon for that “Ew!” sketch that will never, ever die. As always, Jimmy Fallon was stuffed into some low-budget Lizzie McGuire drag to portray the long-lost 5th member of the Teen Girl Squad, Sara, who introduced her mom’s friend’s nerdy daughter Natalie. Except to call Taylor as Natalie “nerdy” is an understatement: it’s like Violet Anne Bickerstaff’s severely socially awkward half-sister got thrown into the gene-splicing machine from The Fly with Gretchen Grundler, an asthma inhaler, and Rita from Arrested Development. The only thing missing is a pair of elastic-ankle sweatpants (a true nerd would NEVER be caught dead in a pair of taupe leggings, Taylor), and maybe a couple more scrunchies? She only had like, what, 6?
I know Taylor is going for the whole “I’m not a model, I just live with one” thing, but I actually like Natalie a million times more than Taylor. Here’s what I know about Natalie: she has a bandaid collection (weird), she builds popsicle stick castles (awesome), she wears shirts on shirts on shirts (why not?), and bitch loves accessories. And here’s what I know about Taylor: she reminds me of Special K cereal. Natalie wins!
Here’s more of Nerdy Natalie’s boring alter ego, Take-A-Nap Taylor, on her way home from The Tonight Show last night.
I haven’t read “The Giver” since I was in the fourth grade (and even then, I probably just skimmed through it enough to have a vague understanding of the story, then went back to reading Betty and Veronica vs. That Slut Bitch Cheryl Blossom for the 1,384th time that week) but I don’t remember the color red being a thing. Cut to the worn-out copy of ”The Giver” on my bookcase, hissing: “IT’S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THEME IN THE NOVEL, YOU ILLITERATE TWAT!”
All I can remember is that “The Giver” was set in some black-and-white dystopia world where people couldn’t remember what hamburgers tasted like and they forgot what a lion was (that’s definitely a part in it, I’m sure) and that an old dude called The Giver gave you memories and shit. It was basically The Hunger Games dry humped The Notebook.
Anyways, either red is a very important aspect of that book that I’m forgetting since my brain is 99.9999% memories of Shark Bites Fruit Snacks commercials, or everyone just decided to dress up like their favorite shade of lipstick, because why the hell not. Every single ho who walked the red carpet at the NYC premiere of The Giver looking like a swatch from a CoverGirl collection called “Soft Romance”. Katie Holmes wore a dress in light pink (Xenu Blush, I believe), Odeya Rush wore a gown in Aspiring KStew Rose, Taylor Swift wore a dress in Republican Princess Red on top and Unsweetened Oatmeal on the bottom, and Meryl Streep wore pants, because Meryl Streep was entered the “Fuck Spanx” part of her life. Meryl Streep is smart. Oh, and she also wore red, because I believe you would have been turned away at the door if you didn’t.
Yesterday, Taylor Swift was at the Teens Make Terrible Choices Awards (see pictures below) looking like a Tampa, FL waitress at a Beach Blanket Bingo-themed knitting store/juice bar who smears a mixture of Vaseline and Crisco on her skin before she sunbathes on the driveway of her carport and got the same haircut my mom got in 1982 when she told the haircutter at the JcPenney salon to give her “Jane Fonda in Klute.” And while Taylor Swift and her pushed-up tit pies were at the Teen Choice Awards, her BFF4EVA Karlie Kloss was at her Beverly Hills mansion heating up her full-size Easy Bake Oven and getting everything ready for the strawberry tart baking party they had when she got home. (That is not a euphemism.) Because the literary gazette of integrity, The Daily Mail, says that Karlie Kloss has moved in with Taylor Swift. Well, the good news for Taylor Swift’s accountant is that she doesn’t have to use her millions to buy mirrors, because if she ever wants to know what she looks like, she just has to look at Karlie Kloss.
A source tells The Daily Mail that Karlie moved into Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms’ Beverly Hills house a few weeks ago and the two have become so “inseparable” that they’re looking into getting conjoined twin surgery so they will never be parted.
“Taylor and Karlie have grown very close,’ the source told me. ‘They are inseparable. Taylor wanted someone to live with her, to have some company, and Karlie jumped at the chance to move in with her friend. They spent a lot of time together before Karlie moved in but now they are rarely apart. They do everything together, from visits to the gym to going on road trips.”
Some think that just because Kar Kar and Tay Tay are living together and are joined at the bangs means that she’s gotten tired of bearding and writing #1 songs about all the “dramatic males” she stalks, so she’s switched shit up and is lezzing it up and writing #1 songs about the chicks she stalks instead. Some think that Karlie and Taylor are like SamRo and Lindsay Lohan if you replaced the crack and Jack Daniels with peach pocket pies and handmade doilies. As much as I’d like to think that Kar Kar and Tay Tay are setting the smoke alarms off in her house by rubbing their twig legs together while scissoring in her craft room, I don’t think that’s happening. I still think this is a Single White Female situation, but I don’t know who’s Single White Female-ing who. But I do know that Taylor’s adorable pussy better wear a helmet and parachute at all times, because we all know what happened to Buddy.
Here’s more of Taylor at the Teen Choice Awards and Kar Kar leaving Taylor’s apartment in NYC the other day.
I know, I would’ve guessed that Taylor Swift’s “family portrait” would’ve ben her posing with her cats, her collection of yarn dolls and the cardboard cutouts of all the dudes she’s stalked. But instead, Taylor Swift’s family portrait, which was taken at her Rhode Island beach house over the weekend, is filled with A-listers (see: Emma Stone), E-listers (see: Jaime King) and never-was-on-any-listers (see: Jessica Snooze-ar from Gossip Girl). After they took this picture, they got drunk on the bottle of plum wine Taylor stole from her parent’s liquor cabinet, crank called John Mayer, practiced kissing on each other’s hands and played “Light As A Feather, Stiff As Board.”
And in that sea of mostly pretty mostly white girls who probably smell like Victoria’s Secret fruit mist is Lena Dunham looking like the creepy 10-year-old little shithead brother who sneaks into the basement during his older sister’s slumber party to watch the girls sleep, steal their panties, smell their hair and fart in their duffel bags.