Just what we’ve been waiting for: Miley Cyrus’ thoughts about Nicki Minaj’s thoughts about racism in the music industry.
When the MTV VMA nominations were announced, Nicki Minaj wondered why “Anaconda,” which she thinks made a huge impact on pop culture, wasn’t nominated for Video of the Year. Nicki said that if her video was filled with skinnies, it would’ve been nominated for VOTY. Nicki went on to tweet that black women constantly influence pop culture and never get rewarded for it. Taylor Swift piped in and made it all about her. Nicki Minaj told Taylor it wasn’t about her. Then, Katy Perry jumped in to slap at Taylor Swift. Eventually, Nicki and Taylor talked and are good now . (Again all of that over a fucking VMA.) That was that until The New York Times asked Miley Cyrus about it…
Two “Friends” Down, Four More To Go: Taylor Swift Performed “Smelly Cat” With Lisa Kudrow Last Night
“Random” got a new definition this past weekend when the long-lost twin sister of American Girl doll Kit brought out Joey Tribbiani during her first of five shows at the Staples Center in L.A. Last night was Taylor Swift’s final show in L.A. and she continued with the “Friends” theme by bringing out Lisa Kudrow to sing the song that Brandi Glanville has dedicated to Joanna Krupa’s twat.
When “Smelly Cat” first popped up in a “Friends” episode in November 1995, Taylor Swift was only a tiny 5-year-old being raised by woodland creatures and enchanted elves on a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania. But since “Smelly Cat” is a classic and Taylor is a diabolical demon who won’t stop until all of your favorites belong to her, she sang that song with Lisa Kudrow. As this happened, Taylor’s Girl Squad held Lisa’s family hostage while screaming at them, “Shut the fuck up, we’ll let your asses go when Lisa does what we told her to do!”
If the world was a perfect place where dreams really do come true, Taylor would’ve exited stage left and let Phoebe Buffay do the rest of the show by herself.
Of course, Phoebe Buffay wasn’t Tay Tay’s only special guest last night. Taylor is trying hard to make that “Please Welcome to the Stage” parody a reality, so she also brought out Selena Gomez and she sang “Mirrors” with Justin Timberlake, who was dressed like a member of an all-white Run DMC tribute group.
Whatever, I won’t be impressed until Taylor brings out Charo, the cast of Models Inc. and the real-life Tupac. (Actually, please don’t bring out Charo, Taylor. If you do, I’ll have to judge Charo’s life choices and I don’t want to know what that feels like.)
Just like her last show, and the show before that, and she show before that, attention enthusiast Taylor Swift got herself a little extra attention this weekend by packing her 1989 tour shows in Los Angeles with tons of “surprise” guests. On Friday, Tay Tay was joined on stage by famous basketball person Kobe Bryant and car commercial band OneRepublic.
Then on Saturday, she brought out Mary J. Blige. According to People, Mary J. and Tay Tay sang Mary’s songs “Doubt” and “Family Affair” together. They would have sung “No More Drama“, but Taylor’s conscience wouldn’t let her (“Girl stop, you know you live for the drama“). She also brought out Uzo Aduba, but she’s done that before. I have no idea why Taylor keeps bringing out Crazy Eyes. Uzo, has Tay Tay kidnapped you? Blink once for yes.
For real though, is Taylor Swift contractually obligated to bring out a whole mess of guests on stage with her during her 1989 tour? Because if that’s the case, she’s eventually she’s going to run out of friends. Case in point, when she brought out Matt LeBlanc and Chris Rock last night.
I know Taylor needs to fill her famous friends quota, but this is ridiculous. Not to mention that she was performing in Los Angeles, which means she had access to the finest buffet of last-minute fill-in talent to pick from. Why get Chris Rock and Joey Tribbiani when you could have Phoebe Price and Bai Ling? What am I saying – and risk being upstaged by their beauty? Taylor would never.
Here’s Tay Tay looking like Sugar & Shine Cupcake doll going through a bad-girl phase at the Staples Center on Friday night.
“OMG don’t you just hate her? I totally hate her. Come by my locker later and we can continue to talk about how much we hate her” is no doubt what Taylor Swift thinks Katy Perry is saying to Miley Cyrus in the conversation above.
Okay so remember back to last week when Miley Cyrus ripped a hot fart in Taylor Swift’s precious direction when she told Marie Claire that the video for “Bad Blood” was a violent mess and side-eyed Tay Tay’s status as a role model? According to Hollywood Life, Tay Tay doesn’t believe for a second that those were Miley’s words, but that she was being used as a puppet for nefarious purposes by none other than her sworn enemy…KATY PERRY. Cue the thunder! Cue the lightning! Cue Katy Perry twirling the end of a pretend mustache and cackling maniacally like an old timey villain!
A source close to Taylor spilled the homemade peach sun tea to Hollywood Life, saying that the most popular girl at the popular girls table in the cafeteria is “suspicious” of Miley’s recent not-nice comments, and she’s pretty sure Katy is behind it.
“She knows Miley and Katy hang out and she knows Katy still talks so much trash about her, she knows she tries to turn people against her. She thinks Miley is just a pawn in Katy’s game, she feels sorry for her.”
Oh my god, is “I feel sorry for you” not the most passive-aggressive popular girl thing to say? I’m pretty sure it’s second only to “That’s sweet that you’re trying so hard to be like me; copying is the most sincere form of flattery.” Of course, Miley Cyrus is blissfully unaware of Tay Tay’s subtle shade, because she’s far too busy Instagramming topless night night selfies with her cat. Or maybe that’s just what she wants you to believe? It may look like a picture of a lady holding a cat, but it’s actually a subtle social media shanking directed at aspiring cat lady Taylor from Katy through Miley, right Taylor? Ooooh Katy, you evil mastermind, you.
BEWARE: If you’re ever in a Manhattan bar and hear a voice say, “We want Taylor Swift songs,” down your drink immediately and bust on out of there, because a hissy fit tantrum cunt show is about to go down.
Gawker says that on Monday morning, the owner of the East Village wine and tapas bar Ballaró, found the words, “WE DO NOT PLAY TAYLOR SWIFT HERE YOU CUNTS GRAZIE,” written in playground chalk on the sidewalk in front of her establishment. (Side note: In my next life, I hope I’m a passive aggressive Italian drag queen named Cunts Grazie.) The bar’s owner Denyse Santoro didn’t need to whistle for Detective La Toya Jackson to solve the case, because she knew who left that charming note. The chalk vandals were in her bar the night before.
During a recent interview with Marie Claire (I guess Moonshine Monthly already had a cover story), Miley Cyrus admitted that she’s not here for the real-world equivalent of Claire Brewster or her video for “Bad Blood.” Okay, but to be honest, unless you’re a member of Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie gang, who really is. Well, you know – besides the die-hard Riverdale High fans who always wanted to know what you’d get if Archie Andrews and Betty Cooper had a baby and raised it to be more of a princess than Veronica Lodge. According to Billy Ray’s kid, Taylor’s video is more violent than Hollerin’ Hank’s annual Christmas Day demolition derby and racoon roast. She also thinks it’s wrong to hiss at her for being a perpetually-naked hussy, because her titties never hurt no one.
“I don’t get the violence revenge thing. That’s supposed to be a good example? And I’m a bad role model because I’m running around with my titties out? I’m not sure how titties are worse than guns.”
Sorry Miley, but I’m afraid I must beg to differ. Two months ago I made the mistake of looking at your elderly ghost jizz-covered titties while eating a bowl of poutine, and my gag reflex started backfiring so hard that I almost choked on a cheese curd.
But I do get what she’s saying; we never see what happens after Tay Tay confronts Selena Gomez at the end of “Bad Blood“, and when you think about it, it’s dark as fuck. Like, I’m pretty sure when the video cuts to black, Catastrophe and Arsyn don’t go to Panera and talk out their problems over a chocolate chipper.
Of course, now it’s only a matter of time before Tay Tay swats back at Miley by writing a song called “Hillbully” (the video for which will be about a jealous, unpopular chipmunk).
And here’s more of Miley looking like Edie Sedgwick’s long-lost country cousin for Marie Claire, if you need that sort of visual imagery in your life.
Seen above looking like The Omen Barbie, Taylor Swift is on the cover of Vanity Fair’s September issue and during the interview, she queefs up words about her #girlsquad and how Kanye West and her became friends after he showed her the respect she deserves!
Of course Taylor Swift was not going to let that dancer-stealing trollop Katy Perry get the last incoherent word in.
Last week, Katy Perry tossed a chopped word salad (with a side of HUH? dressing) at Taylor Swift after Taylor Swift told Nicki Minaj that pitting women against each other is very unlike her. Katy Perry said in so many garbled words that Taylor was being a hypocrite since “Bad Blood” is about their ongoing feud. Well, Taylor later apologized to Nicki, but didn’t say anything about what Katy Perry tweeted. But why would Tay Tay respond with words when she can respond with an onstage stunt?
As Vulture points out, while Tay Tay was onstage yodeling out “Bad Blood” during a show in Foxborough, Massachusetts over the weekend, a Dollar Tree Left Shark made a quick 3-second appearance. Apparently, the dude in the Left Shark costume is one of her back-up dancers and during every show, he pops up while wearing a costume. He dressed up as a lobster the night before. But you know Taylor told him to wear that Left Shark costume, because that shifty little corn husk doll will never miss out on an opportunity to troll her arch rival!!
— Jillian (@Swifty448) July 27, 2015
Since I’m a bitchy tween girl trapped in the body of a skinny fat gay blogger, I laughed for a second. But really, I can’t wait to see which one of them pours a bucket of pig’s blood on the other one at the big junior high school dance (aka the MTV VMAs).
Nicki Minaj performed on Good Morning America as part of their summer concert series today and I’m actually surprised that they let her perform. I figured that they’d cancel her performance and instead devote every hour of the show to interviewing her about the TWITTER FIGHT OF THE MILLENNIUM between her and Taylor Swift. But animatronic morning show robot Lara Spencer only spent a few minutes talking about the junior high school cafeteria fight.
Nicki said a few words about why she thought it was weird that “Anaconda” didn’t get a Video of the Year nomination at the MTV VMAs and then she said that she and Taylor had a little talk about it. Taylor already tweeted out an apology that was definitely not co-written by her publicists and lawyers. Nicki said on GMA that they talked on the phone and that conversation didn’t end with one of them saying, “Bitch, meet me behind the gym at recess.”
“First of all, I spoke to Taylor Swift yesterday on the phone. So she was super, super sweet and she apologized. She said, ‘You know look, I didn’t understand the big picture of what you were saying, but now I get it.’ So we’re all good.”
Sweet, naive, question asker Lara Spencer asked Nicki if there’s a chance they’ll collaborate again. DUH Lara. What is the point of having a stupid feud on Twitter if you’re not going to turn that stupid feud into $$$$$ by doing a song about it together?
“I’m sure we can. You know why? Because it takes a big person to do what Taylor did and everyone sometimes speaks out of turn. I’ve been there. Sometimes we do things and we don’t think right away or we don’t investigate and we just talk. So it was big of her to come out and say that. Yes, we spoke for a long time. We were cracking up laughing on the phone. It’s over, you guys.”
Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end. You will not spend another sleepless night tossing and turning while wondering when Nicki and Tay Tay are going to kiss and make up. You can finally shut your eyelids and sleep….. until Taylor thinks that Nicki called her fat with that “big person” comment and starts back up again.
While Nicki Minaj explained on Instagram that the shit she said about the MTV VMA nominations wasn’t about Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry tried to slap down Tay with a tweet that read like it was written by a drunk spambot with untreated Dyslexia, Ed Sheeran came to the defense of the singing prairie scarecrow.
Ed, who I guess is the reverse Anybodys of Tay Tay’s all-girl gang, tells Australia’s The Daily Telegraph that Taylor is not in the wrong at all and Nicki doesn’t know what she’s talking about since Beyonce, who is not built like a tetherball pole, was nominated for Video of the Year. Here’s Ed trying to get enough gold stars from Tay to move up ranks in her squad:
“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”
BUT WAIT! Ed tweeted to Buzzfeed UK that what The Daily Telegraph posted is not really what he meant.
“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.”
I took Ed’s first statement as: “Listen, I want her to fuck me one day, so I’m just going to back her up no matter what.” I took Ed’s second statement as: “Shit, they’re turning on me now. ABORT! ABORT!”
But I still expect the other members of Tay Tay’s mob to jump into the ring for her ass. Lena Dunham will write an 8,000 word think piece where she’ll only talk about the Nicki and Taylor thing for a couple of paragraphs before going on and on about the time she fucked herself with a remote control while watching Hoobastank perform at the ’04 VMAs. Jaime King will prove her allegiance to Taylor by naming her son Nick E. Ismeen. And Lourde won’t do anything public. She’ll just cast a black magic spell against Nicki and Katy in her lair in a Hot Topic storage room.
UPDATE: Taylor tweeted an apology to Nicki today. I guess she finally let someone in her PR team take over:
I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki. @NICKIMINAJ
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015
Aaaaand Nicki forgave her:
That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13 ❤️❤️❤️
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
But right after Nicki hugged Taylor, she went over to Katy and hugged her while whispering the words, “I hate that bitch too,” in her ear.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015