Taylor Swift Wants You To Know There Are Unfair “Double-Standards” When It Comes To Singing About Your Feelings
During a recent interview with Maxim magazine, who gave her the No. 1 spot on their Hot 100 list this year (and reused one of her greasy butterscotch runaway looks from November’s Wonderland for the cover), Taylor Swift was asked about feminism, specifically why she wants to talk about it all of a sudden. According to Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield’s long-lost triplet, feminism is important to her now because she’s tired of all the haters who continue to side-eye her for building a career out of turning her sad teen girl journal thoughts into several albums worth of catchy break-up songs while praising the dudes who are doing the same thing. Somewhere in a recording studio in Springfield, Kirk Van Houten just got very nervous.
Looking at this picture of Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris sharing an awkward “LOOK AT US!!! LOOK HOW IN LOVE WE ARE!!!” moment at the Billboard Music Awards last night made me instantly feel so sorry for all the adults who chaperoned my middle school dances. It’s enough to make me want to track them all down and hand-write apology letters.
So we already know that Taylor Swift needed a lot of attention at the Billboard Music Awards last night, so none of us should be surprised that she busted out some serious stunt queen moves by going in for a choreographed-looking kiss with the current boy she’s chasing before accepting the award for Top Album for 1989 (one of eight awards she ended up taking home last night). If you’ve ever wanted to see what it looks like when Taylor Swift mentally works through the instructions her PR coach gave her (“One and two and hand on neck and sugar and spice and everything nice“), here it is.
Good lord, they’re both so stiff; it’s like watching an invisible 6-year-old make Kevin plant one on Skipper. Also, chill out, you two – it’s just a Billboard award! No need for all the dramatics. But as hard as they tried, their awkward award show smooch couldn’t hold a candle to the original and best:
That’s it, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley at the 1994 MTV VMAs – show those two stunt queens how it’s done!
Here’s more of Tay Tay serving up some living Goetze’s Cow Tales realness before the show with four low-ranking soldiers of her famous friends army, and Calvin Harris, who sort of looks like the dude version of Taylor Swift, right?
During the past couple of weeks or so, Taylor Swift has pussy burped up poster after poster after poster of all the “characters” in her video for her song
This video is what would end up in the toilet if Brit Brit’s video for “Toxic” gorged itself on The Hunger Games and washed it down with a glass of Katy Perry’s tears mixed with Kill Bill before barfing. Taylor Swift plays some kind of spy who gets double-crossed by her fellow spy played by Selena Gomez. Tay Tay is about as threatening as a sedated ladybug in a tutu and her badass face look like “I’m constipated but trying to be sexy” Selena Gomez is slightly more threatening than a sedated ladybug in a tutu and she looks like she’s starring as Velma Kelly in a kindergarten production of Chicago. Behold:
If a 12-year-old girl with millions of dollars and access to a camera crew and a whole lot of leather catsuits made a fun video of her and her girlfriends playing “spies” during her slumber party, that is what that video would look like. With that being said, Cindy Crawford and Mariska Hargitay look hot.
In case you didn’t hear her clearly enough the last time she said it, Taylor Swift wants you to know that she sheds more tears than her collection of vintage Lost n’ Founds whenever some meany-mo jokes that she’s run through more dudes than a runaway Monster Energy truck in the parking lot of a Nickelback concert.
During an interview with Tavi Gevinson for this month’s issue of ELLE, Taylor – who is serving up Jerrica Benton‘s preppy Pennsylvania cousin in Party City Ziggy Stardust drag on that cover – admits once again that she’s not here for the snarky bitches who joke about her reputation as a perpetually-heartbroken boy-crazy bundle of butterscotch-dipped desperation. While talking about being in the same place as one of her exes for two weeks (London, which means the ex was probably elfin hipster Harry Styles) and not feeling anxious about it, Taylor says:
“The first thought that came to my mind was, I’m finally clean. I’d been in this media hailstorm of people having a very misconstrued perception of who I was. There were really insensitive jokes being made at awards shows by hosts; there were snarky headlines in the press—’Taylor Goes Through a Breakup: Well, That Was Swift!’—focusing on all the wrong things.”
I just pictured a sad-faced Taylor Swift returning home from an awards show, putting on Jann Arden’s “Insensitive“, and slow dancing with one of her pussies while she boo-hoos about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hurting her feewings. “Gawd Meredith, they act like I’ve dated half of Hollywood! A third maybe, but definitely not half.”
Here’s more of Tay Tay looking like a sexed-up department store mannequin in ELLE:
Not pictured: Taylor Swift standing right behind Calvin Harris, shaking a bottle of prescription-strength Claritin while whispering, “You know, it would be a real shame if someone were to, I dunno, write a song about you…now make with the bonding, or I’ll flush every last pill down the toilet!”
Last week, we learned that Taylor Swift’s current relationship (or whatever we’re supposed to call it when Taylor Swift starts running her thirsty girlfriend game on a dude) with buff DJ Calvin Harris might be in trouble because he’s allergic to her precious pussies. Anyone with a cat allergy knows first-hand that the struggle is real, so I figured it was only a matter of time before Calvin scraped all his snotty tissues off the floor, packed up his neti pot, and went home for good. But it looks like he might be sucking it up (it being gallons of leaky nose water) and making it work.
Last night, Calvin posted a picture of Tay Tay’s two kitty cats, Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson, to Instagram with the caption “Moment.” Surprisingly, it wasn’t immediately followed by a picture of the ceiling of an ambulance with the caption, “Well, that didn’t last long.” So that’s a good sign, right? Additionally, a “source” tells UsWeekly that Taylor and Calvin are “going strong.”
Then again, we have no idea what the circumstances surrounding this picture were. Calvin could have taken this picture from a building across the street using a telephoto lens. Or maybe he was in Tay Tay’s apartment, but he took the photo from inside a hermetically-sealed bubble suit. Or maybe it’s just a picture of a picture of her cats? Cat-ception! I knew it!
If that cover line is true and Taylor Swift really was the guest editor, then I need to know what that sex move they “literally cannot get over” is. I bet it’s sex without a post-coital strawberry ice cream sundae. “Oh my gosh-ness, can you even imagine? That’s almost as raunchy as s-e-x with the lights on!” giggles Tay Tay, before apologizing for using such lewd language.
Crown Princess Butterscotch of The People’s Democratic Republic of Sunshine started whining during a recent interview with Glamour UK that even though she’s in a good place and has tons of friends and friendship friendship bla bla bla, she’s still haunted by her past reputation that she’s a boy-crazy stage-5 clinger who gets wet at the mere thought of his n’ hers embroidered towels. A reputation she thinks was invented by the media who is just, like, sooooo obsessed with her. Gawd, the media, stop being such a jealous hater!
According to MSN News, the adorable sunshine-haired match made in the PR offices of Candy Land that is the coordinated his-and-hers clothing romance between Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris is already in trouble, and it’s all because of her cats. A “source” (that gossipy skank Queen Frostine) says that Calvin discovered he was allergic to Tay Tay’s two butterscotch fur babies, Meredith and Olivia, after he tried to spend the night at Tay Tay’s sugar cookie compound in LA last week. Instead of snacking on her Sunkist Fun Fruit (ew, I’m sorry), he spent the whole night “blowing his nose and complaining he couldn’t breathe.”
The source goes on to say that Tay Tay’s pussies shed like crazy and there’s cat hair all over the bed, so Calvin has suggested they start hooking up at his house or in hotel rooms. But since everyone knows Tay Tay’s legs won’t open unless someone guides her over to her pastel rose canopy bed using a Precious Places key, that probably won’t happen.
Calvin Harris better stock up on Costco-quantities of Benadryl if he wants to keep seeing Tay Tay, because there’s no way she’s going to choose him over her cats. Tay Tay is more attached to those pussies than she is her own pussy, and if push comes to shove, she’ll dump him faster than a bag full of stinky littler-crusted cat turds.
I’m sure if it was at all possible, Tay Tay would have had her cats present that Milestone Award she received from the Academy of Country Music last night instead of her mother Andrea, but I doubt her cats would have been into it. Unless it’s the red dot at the end of a laser pointer or a fresh pile of laundry, cats don’t give a shit.
And because no story about Tay Tay is complete without a couple pictures of her looking like a limited-edition Betty Draper Barbie doll, here she is in NYC on Saturday:
I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Taylor Swift dropped a sad on her Tumblr today when she told her fans that her mom Andrea Swift has been diagnosed with cancer. Tay Tay wants to keep the details private, but said that her mom wants to use her story and diagnosis as a PSA (Public Swift Announcement) to youngins with parents who think they’re too busy to go to the doctor and get checked out for cancer. Taylor writes that sometimes kids need to drag their parents to the doctor and they should do whatever it takes to get them there. Tell them you’re taking them to a Without A Trace meet and greet (parents LOVE that show) or leave a trail of Mimi’s Cafe coupons (parents LOVE Mimi’s Cafe coupons) from their door to the doctor’s office. Or do what Taylor did, ask them to go as a Christmas present to you. Taylor said that her mom went to the doctor for a check-up after Taylor asked her to go as a Christmas gift. Andrea was sick of Taylor and her son nagging her about going to the doctor so she finally went. After the check-up, she felt fine and there were no obvious red flags. But then the test results came back:
The results came in, and I’m saddened to tell you that my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. I’d like to keep the details of her condition and treatment plans private, but she wanted you to know.
She wanted you to know because your parents may be too busy juggling everything they’ve got going on to go to the doctor, and maybe you reminding them to go get checked for cancer could possibly lead to an early diagnosis and an easier battle… Or peace of mind in knowing that they’re healthy and there’s nothing to worry about. She wanted you to know why she may not be at as many shows this tour. She’s got an important battle to fight.
Andrea Swift usually travels along with Taylor during tours and she’s apparently known for plucking Swifties out of the audience to meet her daughter backstage. I see you, Justin Bieber’s dad, shaking your head like, “I do that too!” She doesn’t pick out fans to take backstage for the same reason you do, you sucio fuck!
And here’s to a Swift recovery. (Thousands of others have already been GONG’d for that line, I’m sure, so I might as well join the pack.)
Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris TRIED it, but Brit Brit and Justin Timberlake still hold the title as the couple who gave us the greatest matching moment in history. The runners-up of that title are Ruby and Victor from my junior high school. Ruby and Victor were voted “Best Couple” (yes, we had that) and every Friday they’d both wear baggy stone washed jeans and an oversized Hanes white t-shirt with the words “Mi Amor” airbrushed on the back. I’d like to think that Ruby’s wedding dress was made out of those t-shirts. That’s how exquisite they were.
A week after Taylor and Calvin touched mouths at Kenny Chesney’s show, the two blonde giraffes left the HAIM show at the Troubadour in L.A. hand-in-hand which means they’re totally getting “intimate” and since we’re talking about Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms, that means they’re at the point in their relationship where she’s letting him play with her Easy Bake Oven. That’s not a euphemism. The paps say that Tay Tay and Cal Cal left the Troubadour through the backdoor (that’s not a euphemism either). They used the backdoor because they are an oh-so-private couple and are not the kind of STUNT QUEEN attention whores who use the front door. I’m sure minutes before these pictures were taken, Taylor’s publicist stood by the backdoor and whistled for the paps to come around.
And here’s more of Tay Tay and Cal Cal looking like Danny and Sandy in the final scene of Grease if Danny and Sandy exclusively shopped at J. Crew and BCBG.