Seen above on the cover of NME looking like a young, blond and stoned David Cassidy in Fergie Ferg drag, Taylor Swift tells the magazine that she filed a new lesson into her brain after the little Twitter “dust-up” she had with Nicki Minaj over the MTV VMA nominations. Yes, I’m still talking about it and in 40 years when we’re all in the retirement home waiting for our nurses to finish rolling us a Metamucil-infused joint, I’m going to tell you about the new riveting expose I read in AARP about the 2015 Twitter feud between Taylor Swift Bieber Trump Zuckerberg and Onika Minaj Graham. We’re going to hear about this for the rest of our days.
It feels like forever since we’ve heard anything about Taylor Swift’s “Please welcome to the stage” posse (and by forever, I of course mean 0.3 seconds, which is 10 years in Taylor Swift attention-needing time). During a show in Nashville on Saturday night, Taylor made the dreams come true of all the dads who were dragged there by their 13-year-old daughters by please-welcome-to-the-stage’ing Mick Jagger. Mick crawled on stage to sing “Satisfaction“, which is totally Tay Tay’s favorite Britney song to sing into her hair brush. If you want to see what it would look like if someone accidentally changed the factory setting on a Gabbigale doll to “awkwardly sexy“, here you go:
Mick fucking brought it; he was wiggling around on stage like a hyperactive puggle who just heard someone say “cookies“. Tay Tay, on the other hand. Eesh. Taylor was like a quilt on pain killers. Girl, you have to match your partner’s energy!
Or maybe she is just so fucking over this shit, since her whole weekend was filled with welcoming new squad friends to the stage. Joining Mick on Saturday was Leona Lewis, who sang “Bleeding Love” with Tay Tay, and on Friday she brought out Alison Krauss, Kelsea Ballerini, and Steven Tyler, who sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”
You know that immediately after seeing this picture, Tay Tay turned to her cat Meredith Grey and was like “Oh my god, she couldn’t even be bothered to brush her hair? Doesn’t she know who she was singing with? Demote her to 3rd tier girl squad status.“
David Mueller used to co-host a morning show for KYGO in Denver, CO, but he was pink-slipped after one of Taylor Swift’s bodyguards claims they saw his hand grope her ass area while taking a picture before her show on June 2, 2013. Tay Tay’s people told his job about what the bodyguard saw, his job put him on the curb and now he’s suing her for wrongly accusing his hand of doing something he claims it didn’t do.
The Denver Post says that in the lawsuit, which was filed Thursday, David claims that he and his girlfriend met Tay Tay during a meet-and-greet backstage. When Taylor put her arm around David’s girlfriend to take a picture, he jumped in at the last second. David says that his hand never paid a visit to her ass and Taylor thanked him and his girlfriend before they went their separate ways. But later on, one of Taylor’s security guards accused him of molesting her ass and he was kicked out. David was fired 2 days later.
Taylor Swift already peddles her singles like the rent on her backyard Little Tikes Princess Cottage was due last month and the repo men are coming to get it, but now she’s really going to turn it up, because she wants to wet queef on her arch rival’s record.
Miley Cyrus recently said that she doesn’t want to be in a “squad,” because she likes to surround herself with non-famous rill people who are rilly rilly rill and keep it 100% rill at all times. Well, if America’s foremost journal of truthiness known as Radar is spitting up the facts, then the feeling is mutual and cult leader Taylor Swift doesn’t want Miley in her sisterhood.
Of course I’m being a *bit* dramatic, since we all know Sir Ian McKellen always has a couch at Sir Patrick Stewart’s house, and you’re never truly homeless when you live in the hearts of millions. But still! The point is that the wannabe Truly Scrumptious once put Gandalf’s ass out on the streets, and that’s how you guarantee yourself a one-way first class ticket to Hell.
Sir Ian recently outed Taylor Swift as the Sweet Valley High version of Benny Coffin III during a recent interview with the Gay Star News when he told the story about how he was evicted from his apartment by Tay Tay. Tay Tay was playing House Hunters in New York City and decided to buy Peter Jackson’s apartment. The only problem was, Sir Ian was crashing at Peter Jackson’s apartment at the time. Rather than doing the right thing and letting life legend Sir Ian keep squatting, she grabbed her Peppermint Rose stationary and a scented push-point pencil and told him to GTFO. According to Sir Ian, he was “thrown out” a month before he was supposed to leave. I don’t know where he went, but I just pictured Sir Ian wandering the streets of New York in the rain with a hobo bindle over his shoulder, and now I’m sad. THANKS TAYLOR.
Because Sir Ian is truly an angel sent from above, he claims he doesn’t hold a grudge against Taylor:
“Well she bought it, she’s every right to take it over. I was just lodging there for free you know.”
Although he’s not exactly rushing out to be one of her next “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guests either. When asked what it’s like to be part of Taylor’s “squad” (Taylor once Tweeted a collage of picture of Sir Ian and Sir Patrick), Ian confessed that she had asked Sir Ian and Sir Patrick to join her on stage during one of her shows in Los Angeles. But they politely declined because they “had something else to do that night” instead. Oooh, look out, Sir Ian and Sir Patrick; you’re about to become a song titled “Knights in Jealous Hater Armor.“
Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.
Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams“, which premiered last night.
But back to Tay Tay and her new friend Nicki. After they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.”
Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:
Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.
Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.
And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.”
You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”
Just what we’ve been waiting for: Miley Cyrus’ thoughts about Nicki Minaj’s thoughts about racism in the music industry.
When the MTV VMA nominations were announced, Nicki Minaj wondered why “Anaconda,” which she thinks made a huge impact on pop culture, wasn’t nominated for Video of the Year. Nicki said that if her video was filled with skinnies, it would’ve been nominated for VOTY. Nicki went on to tweet that black women constantly influence pop culture and never get rewarded for it. Taylor Swift piped in and made it all about her. Nicki Minaj told Taylor it wasn’t about her. Then, Katy Perry jumped in to slap at Taylor Swift. Eventually, Nicki and Taylor talked and are good now . (Again all of that over a fucking VMA.) That was that until The New York Times asked Miley Cyrus about it…
Two “Friends” Down, Four More To Go: Taylor Swift Performed “Smelly Cat” With Lisa Kudrow Last Night
“Random” got a new definition this past weekend when the long-lost twin sister of American Girl doll Kit brought out Joey Tribbiani during her first of five shows at the Staples Center in L.A. Last night was Taylor Swift’s final show in L.A. and she continued with the “Friends” theme by bringing out Lisa Kudrow to sing the song that Brandi Glanville has dedicated to Joanna Krupa’s twat.
When “Smelly Cat” first popped up in a “Friends” episode in November 1995, Taylor Swift was only a tiny 5-year-old being raised by woodland creatures and enchanted elves on a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania. But since “Smelly Cat” is a classic and Taylor is a diabolical demon who won’t stop until all of your favorites belong to her, she sang that song with Lisa Kudrow. As this happened, Taylor’s Girl Squad held Lisa’s family hostage while screaming at them, “Shut the fuck up, we’ll let your asses go when Lisa does what we told her to do!”
If the world was a perfect place where dreams really do come true, Taylor would’ve exited stage left and let Phoebe Buffay do the rest of the show by herself.
Of course, Phoebe Buffay wasn’t Tay Tay’s only special guest last night. Taylor is trying hard to make that “Please Welcome to the Stage” parody a reality, so she also brought out Selena Gomez and she sang “Mirrors” with Justin Timberlake, who was dressed like a member of an all-white Run DMC tribute group.
Whatever, I won’t be impressed until Taylor brings out Charo, the cast of Models Inc. and the real-life Tupac. (Actually, please don’t bring out Charo, Taylor. If you do, I’ll have to judge Charo’s life choices and I don’t want to know what that feels like.)