The Gymboree Mick Jagger (who happens to do an A+++ Mick Jagger impersonation) is on the cover of Rolling Stone looking like a stoned 70s hustler trying to push out a stubborn shit, and inside of the magazine, he talks about Taylor Swift and what he thinks of her writing songs about their relationship. Tay Tay’s Squad can stand down, because Harry only blew heart-shaped air kisses of niceness at her.
Taylor Swift’s quest for total Taylor dominance is a never-ending one. She’s already cornered the market on collecting friends, relationship stunts and playing the victim. Taylor might now have her sights set on the music streaming game. “Um, you want the rest of mine?” texted Jay Z.
Ed Sheeran did an interview with Rolling Stone to pimp out his new album, Divide, and of course, Taylor Swift’s name dropped out of his mouth during it. If Ed doesn’t dribble out her name during an interview, he will disintegrate into a pile of dust. The sole reason for Ed Sheeran’s existence is to name drop Taylor Swift in interviews! Not only did Ed Sheeran drop Tay Tay’s name for the 4,098,765th time, but he also said that some of her squad members have gotten a taste of his ginger hobbit dick. Don’t worry, squad members who have fucked Ed, he didn’t name names. I’m sure the ginger John Mayer is saving that for the promo tour for his next album.
Tom Hiddleston is doing the rounds to promote the Khloe Kardashian origin movie, Kong: Skull Island, and since he spilled his feelings about the Taylor Swift shit in a hilarious interview with GQ, he has been asked about her. At one point it seemed like Tom Hiddleston’s official job title was “Taylor Swift’s PR Stunt Partner,” but now one of the thirstiest hos on the stroll wants everyone to respect the “privacy please” sign that is hanging on his door.
Both The Telegraph and Savannah Guthrie of Today asked Tom about Taylor, and he said that his private life is private. The paparazzi must be so confused now. If they should ever receive an “anonymous tip” saying that Tom Hiddleston is currently burning his “I Heart T.S.” tank top in a bonfire outside of Taylor’s Rhode Island mansion, do they show up or is Tom’s publicist just cock teasing them?
Ed Sheeran is once again acting like a one-man publicist for Taylor Swift. Ed recently spoke to the BBC and they got into the topic of Taylor’s next album. Taylor’s last album, 1989 (aka the match that ignited her feud with Katy Perry) was released in October of 2014. That’s almost two and a half years ago. According to Ed, Taylor Swift’s sixth album will drop in 2017. He knows this because his album ÷ (yes, that’s really the title) is releasing this week, and he’d kind of like it to get some attention before Taylor comes in with her album and the music industry becomes The Taylor Swift Show again.
“I think this year is going to be the high point. I have a feeling about it. Seventeen is my lucky number, and everyone I was scared of releasing of albums around me released them all last year. Taylor [Swift] isn’t going to be releasing until probably the end of this year – Christmas is the smartest time to release because that’s when everyone buys records. So I’ve got a full year of just all Ed, all the time.”
Ed is in so much goddamn trouble. Now that everyone knows Taylor has an album coming out, Tom Hiddleston, Calvin Harris, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Frank Ocean, election haters, and everyone else who has dared to hurt the feelings of dear sweet Taylor over the past two and a half years can start preparing their clap backs to her victim tunes. If they already have responses ready to drop 0.3 seconds after her album, that means she can’t drag out the drama for the better part of a year. She’ll only be able to drag it out for like, two, maybe three months. Tragic!
During the presidential election, nearly every pop trick in the land risked losing a piece of their fanbase by opening their mouth to either speak against Donald Trump or support Hillary Clinton, or both. Katy Perry did. Lady Gaga did. Madonna did. Beyonce did. Adele, who’s not even American, did. And so did the Queen of Pop Paula Abdul. But Taylor Swift never did and it DIVIDED A NATION! Many think pieces were written about how Tay Tay needed to say something, especially since she’s made feminism part of her “brand.” Others felt like it’s not her duty to talk about political shit. Lena Dunham, who talked a lot during the election and afterward, is on the side that is defending Taylor, Plain and Tall.