I know what you’re thinking: FINALLY! Go ahead and tell your boss that you’re leaving work early, go home, and crawl into bed – you’re going to want to catch up on all that sleep you lost over this butterscotch belly button business, I’m sure.
During an interview with BBC’s Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via Yahoo) the human version of Cheerleader from Teen Girl Squad Taylor Swift was asked why back in January we went from living in a world where nobody knew what Taylor Swift’s belly button looked like to a world where Taylor Swift’s belly button was staring us down like a frightened spider in the bathtub. Taylor explained the reason why she posted a picture of herself in a belly button-baring bikini during her Hawaiin vacation with the Haim girls to Instagram and – surprise surprise – it had to do with making sure someone not named Taylor Swift wasn’t making a single dime off of Taylor Swift:
“My security gets out the binoculars and sees that [the paparazzi] have a huge long lens camera. … At which point, we go back to the beach and realize, ‘okay, so they got pictures of us in our bikinis’. I don’t want them to make, like, $100,000 for a bikini shot. And so we’re like, ‘Get up on the bow of the boat: we’re taking better bikini shots so that they don’t make as much money on theirs.’”
Does Tay Tay really think a picture of her in a bikini is worth $100,000? Someone needs to inform her that as long as Target still carries Beach Fun Barbie™, we can see that shit for free.
But wait a second – I thought the paps were on Tay Tay’s BFF list? I’m sure there’s a very panic-stricken pap outside Tay Tay’s apartment in New York at this very minute screaming “No YOU calm down, Larry! What if we’re next? What if she stops calling us to take pictures of her walking to and from her car twice a day? I just put a down payment on a boat, for chrissakes!”
Here’s Tay Tay at the Elle Style Awards last night not wearing a peacoat and a cloche for once:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
While the rest of us on the east coast spent last night humping the hottest heat source in our house while wrapped in so many blankets we look like a quilted Jabba the Hutt, silently praying for the sweet hand of death to take us away from this snow-covered hell hole (just me? Ok then), Taylor Swift was attaching a set of walking cane ice picks to the backs of her favorite pair of cold weather kitten heels so she could skip safely down the streets of NYC and meet Kanye West for dinner. Random, thy name is whatever name they gave for the reservation.
According to the NY Daily News, the come-to-life Homecoming Queen Skipper doll and Kim Kardashian’s kurrent krazy husband had dinner together last night at The Spotted Pig. No word on whether or not during their meal he grabbed the fork out of her hand and said “Yo Taylor, Imma let you finish, but…“.
Also no word on what those two even talked about, since I can only imagine how awkward and weird a conversation between those two would be (“Kayne, do you like cats? I sure do. Wanna make some cutesy surprised faces with me?“), but the Daily News seems to think it might have something to do with that time Kanye told wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest that he’d be open to the idea of a collaboration with Taylor. Oh boy, I can see it now: Kanye West ft. Lil’ Butterscotch. I’m sure Tay Tay is searching Etsy for a pair of fug colored contacts as we speak.
And when I pictured Kanye West getting dressed up to have dinner with Taylor Swift, I definitely didn’t imagine he’d settle on lazy Shia LaBeouf drag. Here’s Tay Tay’s newest best friend Kanye-ye leaving his apartment for his dinner date last night:
Nothing like a picture of Sarah Palin and Al Sharpton to make all political parties join together to say, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAH,” in unison.
When I first heard that the former Governor of Alaska and current Governor of Fame Whores, Sarah Palin, was going to be on Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special, I prayed to my God above, Bea Arthur, that they’d give her a good 20 minutes to rant about whatever she wants to rant about, because her word salads (drenched in a dressing made of pure YES) are gold wrapped in gold. Sadly, the producers didn’t do that. Instead, Sarah Palin was part of Jerry Seinfeld’s Q&A where she joked about moistening the tip of SNL’s boner by running with Donald Trump in 2016. I know, I thought Sarah Palin was allergic to the lamestream media and Hollywood leftists, but I guess that allergy magically goes away when they invite her to an event with cameras.
Sarah sat next to Taylor Swift and they really should’ve kept a camera on them at all times and aired it as another 4-hour special, because this one moment was my everything:
Tay Tay looks like she’s busting out an, “Ugh, mom, you are embarrassing me,” eye roll. Some think that the new money Jill the Talking Doll looked annoyed that she had to touch arms with Mama Grizzly, but I don’t think Taylor was pissed that she had to sit next to Sarah Palin. I think she was pissed that Sarah looked hotter and more glamorous than her. Sorry, Tay, but you just can’t compete with Sarah Palin’s “mom getting her freak on during happy hour at T.G.I. Friday’s on a Saturday night” glamour.
Sarah told UsWeekly that everything from her clearance section Charlotte Russe dress to her bear pussy purse to her Chinese Laundry bootie shoes came from Bristol Palin’s closet. Bristol wore that same dress to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in 2011. Sarah proved she’s a true fashionista by making the look her own with the help of L’eggs hose and at least six Bump-Its in her hair. Sarah wore it better, obviously, because the “Gemma from Sons of Anarchy eloping at a 24-hour wedding chapel in Reno, NV” look is the look.
I may or may not have listened to Taylor Swift’s “Style” so much that I know the lyrics. (Note: That sentence will be used as one of the “reasons for why” by my friends and family who wish to legally excommunicate me from their lives.) So I was afraid that her video for that shit would be an homage to Rebel Without A Cause. No one should ever do a Rebel Without A Cause-like music video again, because there’s no topping Paula Abdul and nobody can ever come close to recreating her and Keanu Reeves’ piping hot chemistry and their riveting line delivery. Tay Tay probably knew this and so her ass wisely went the other way.
“Style” is supposed about Harry Styles (Style, Styles, get it? Get it?) and E! says that the paper plane necklace in the video is an eye roll-inducing “nod” to him. Trick dropped that in there, because she knew her crazy fans and those crazy Directioners will screen cap it and tweet and Tumblr it a million times over. Speaking of Tumblr, the video for “Style” looks like something Tumblr would shit up after it ate a Lana Del Rey video and an Urban Outfitters summer catalog. The video doesn’t even come close to matching the song and shit looks like a commercial for True Detective’s new fragrance for a man or a woman called Flat Circle.
In other Tay Tay news, she and her scissor sister (Side note: Scissor sisters in a “share scissors to make construction paper crafts” sort of way and not scissor sisters in a bump pussies sort of way ) Karlie Kloss are on the cover of Vogue, because nothing makes Anna Wintour’s Death Eater pussy pop like seeing two pretty blonde white girls on the cover of her magazine. Tay Tay and Karlie recreated their BFF trip to Big Sur for Vogue and also talked about their friendship. The interview is kind of boring. They just talk about how they’re samesies and they dress the same and love making cookies (not a euphemism).
Here’s one picture from the shoot, which will be the perfect poster for a reboot of Single White Female starring them:
And here’s the rest of the pictures. It’s kind of giving me a Thelma & Louise vibe, but instead of being rapist-killing bad asses running from the law, they’re two rich girls who bake cookies and whisper Sex and the City quotes into each other’s ears while cuddling on a $5,000 bedspread.
After several months of getting her girl power groove back with her ya-ya sisterhood or whatever 1989 was supposed to be about, it sounds like Taylor Swift’s boy-crazy cootch (or as she calls it, her “love meadow”) once again has the fever for famous dick. According to E!, Ashley A’s human equivalent spent most of Sam Smith’s Grammy afterparty cozied up to Hozier, aka the Take Me To Church guy. Tay Tay and Hozier (government name: Andrew Hozier-Byrne) were first spotted hanging out at a HAIM concert last week, and apparently they spent a good deal of time together on Sunday night. A source says they were still chatting at 3:30am and that Taylor gave him a few kisses on the cheek when she left.
Of course, another source tells People that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented BS that anything R rated is going on between them because they’re just friends.
Or maybe Hozier was just a cheap last-minute replacement for Tay Tay’s first party boy choice Sam Smith, who sort of ditched her to hang out with the Veronica to her Heather, Katy Perry. The NY Daily News says that Tay Tay was forced to skip Universal’s Grammy afterparty because Katy showed up to that shit first and remora’d herself onto Sam before Tay Tay could. And since she hadn’t yet perfected the timing on her sassy finger-wag in case an impromptu “The Boy Is Mine”-style bitch-off broke out, she skipped it and waited for Sam at the after-afterparty. Which is where she killed some time batting her eyelashes at Hozier and telling him his hair looks sexy pushed back.
Here’s Tay Tay being escorted out of said party by her 35-year-old cool mom friend Jamie King on Sunday night. If you’ve ever wondered what Tay Tay’s face looks like after she writes her phone number on a guy’s arm using a Maybelline Baby Lips, here it is:
The last time we checked in on the recess drama happening between volunteer library assistant Taylor Swift and the kid who keeps getting caught pissing on the boy’s locker room floor DJ Diplo, he had abandonned his Cash 4 Tay Tay’s Ass fundraiser and had moved on to crying about how her fans were the meaniest meanies that ever lived and whispering about how she’s a strategic string-pulling puppet master. As far as everyone in the 6th grade was concerned, Diplo and Tay Tay were not on speaking terms.
However, last night he uploaded a picture of himself and Taylor St. Sunshine hanging out at a Grammy afterparty to Instagram, along with the caption “Then this happened @taylorswift vs taylor spliff #grammys2015“, which means they might not completely hate each other anymore. Because really, we all know that if two melodramatic tricks hated each other, that drink wouldn’t be used for drinking; it would be used for dumping as you hiss the words “YA FILTHY HOO-WER!” (and if you really hate them, you follow it all up by demanding they replace your drink).
But it looks like everything between Diplo and Taylor was civil. Then again, we don’t know what Taylor is doing with that straw. Sure, she could be sipping a rum and coke. But she could also be sneaking a mouthful of liquid laxative into his drink. Or maybe she’s taking a sip of his drink to see if was made with Diet Coke so she can hit him with a trademark infringement notice. “Yeah, I’m going to have to ask you to cease and desist on that drink…Diet Coke is sort of Taylor Swift’s thing.”
When Kanye West almost “Imma’d” Beck at the Grammys last night, I thought he was doing a little joking and attention whoring at the same time, but nope. Kanye wasn’t joking and he wanted to take us all the way back to the 2009 MTV VMAs by snatching away Beck’s microphone to rant about how Beyonce had the greatest album of all-time.
After the Grammys, Kanwhine and Kummy Kakes talked to Khlozilla and the other head nodders at E! and he used his time in front of their cameras to rip off E!’s logo from the mic and stick his tongue all the way up Beyonce’s bey-hole by saying that she should’ve won Album of the Year and the Grammys need to embrace real artists (“Um, they totally do!” – Grammy nominee Meghan Trainor). Kanye wanted to hijack Beck’s Grammy moment and spit out a stan stream for Beyonce into that mic, but he didn’t, because of his clothing line or something.
I mean, when a dude who wore a Pee-wee Herman British schoolboy suit and performed a The Shining meets Grand Budapest Hotel version of “Happy“ throws you a side-eye of judgement, you know you deserve to be judged. The worst-selling Lalaloopsy doll known as Taylor Swift danced all through the Grammys because she knows that’s what you expect her to do and Pharrell threw her the side-eye all of us want to throw at her.
My nipples have never tingled for the Smooth Rat the way they’re tingling while seeing him throw a “Bitch, I see you trying to give Buzzfeed their ’10 Dance Moves That Taylor Swift Did During The Grammys’ list” look at Tay Tay.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
The Butterscotch Don strikes again! According to BuzzFeed, Tracy Flick’s long-lost sister Taylor Swift has sent her lawyers after all her fans making things inspired by their favorite professional singing prom queen and selling it on Etsy, therefore stealing precious pennies out of her gold-lined strawberry-scented pockets. Watch out, 9-year-old girls who write Taylor Swift lyrics on their Trapper Keepers – you’re next.
It all started last month when several Etsy sellers started receiving cease-and-desist letters from Tay Tay’s legal team (Shortcake, Sunshine, & Wink LLP) telling them to knock it off with all the knock-off Taylor Swift items they were making and selling. Items like candles, mugs, hand-made t-shirts, and cross-stitches. All of which have been taken down and removed from their respective Etsy shops, since they’re considered by Tay’s lawyers to be trademark infringement. Apparently, anything picture of Tay Tay’s folk art face (save for the 1.9 million pap shots taken of her exiting her apartment every week) is owned by TAS Rights Management. By the way, TAS = Taylor Allison Swift. Lord love a duck, even her brand management company has her name on it.
And speaking of trademark infringement, those crafty fans shouldn’t even think about making any new Taylor Swift-inspired items for their Etsy shops, because Tay Tay has recently applied for a bunch of trademarks for several lyrics from her latest album 1989, including the phrase “this sick beat”. “Don’t worry, you can have it” said the remaining 3 fratboys who still use the word sick.
And I would love it if during all this trademark infringement drama, Tay Tay received a letter from Dick Wolf and Shonda Rhimes saying “Yeah, so our layers told us that your cats are named after trademarked characters from our TV shows…“
While looking like Olive Oyl’s so-edgy fashion school sister, aspiring teenage mallrat Katy Perry shocked absolutely no one by admitting to ELLE magazine that the world of pop music is basically a come-to-life soap opera where everyone is given a predetermined character to play. Unfortunately, it’s not an exciting soap opera like Passions or Metropia or Monsignor Martinez, but one of those boring soap operas where everyone just stands there smelling the fart while waiting for the wealthy oil tycoon to die so they can start fighting over who gets his mansion. And in this pop music soap opera (possible name: Backstabbers & Backing Tracks), Katy Perry knows what roles would be played by professional Rebecca Ann Leeman-type Taylor Swift and human period cramp Kanye West:
“You’ve got to name someone the villain, someone the princess, someone the mom-, the dad-type—you know there always have to be characters. As pop figures, we’re all characters. And the media uses that. Who is the sweetheart, who is the villain? You know. Taylor’s the sweetheart. Kanye’s the villain. That’s the narrative.”
Okay, so what does that make Katy Perry? The bad girl? The misunderstood hooker with the heart of gold? The evil gold-digging nurse who fakes her own death and comes back as her long-lost half-sister? The character who won’t stop dating the slimy douchebag? That’s it.
Sadly, Katy didn’t elaborate further on her dramatic long-running soap opera feud with Sweetheart St.TayTay (because she’s saving it for 3rd period gym class) but she did talk about the Susan Lucci of the pop world: BEYONCE!