I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Taylor Swift dropped a sad on her Tumblr today when she told her fans that her mom Andrea Swift has been diagnosed with cancer. Tay Tay wants to keep the details private, but said that her mom wants to use her story and diagnosis as a PSA (Public Swift Announcement) to youngins with parents who think they’re too busy to go to the doctor and get checked out for cancer. Taylor writes that sometimes kids need to drag their parents to the doctor and they should do whatever it takes to get them there. Tell them you’re taking them to a Without A Trace meet and greet (parents LOVE that show) or leave a trail of Mimi’s Cafe coupons (parents LOVE Mimi’s Cafe coupons) from their door to the doctor’s office. Or do what Taylor did, ask them to go as a Christmas present to you. Taylor said that her mom went to the doctor for a check-up after Taylor asked her to go as a Christmas gift. Andrea was sick of Taylor and her son nagging her about going to the doctor so she finally went. After the check-up, she felt fine and there were no obvious red flags. But then the test results came back:
The results came in, and I’m saddened to tell you that my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. I’d like to keep the details of her condition and treatment plans private, but she wanted you to know.
She wanted you to know because your parents may be too busy juggling everything they’ve got going on to go to the doctor, and maybe you reminding them to go get checked for cancer could possibly lead to an early diagnosis and an easier battle… Or peace of mind in knowing that they’re healthy and there’s nothing to worry about. She wanted you to know why she may not be at as many shows this tour. She’s got an important battle to fight.
Andrea Swift usually travels along with Taylor during tours and she’s apparently known for plucking Swifties out of the audience to meet her daughter backstage. I see you, Justin Bieber’s dad, shaking your head like, “I do that too!” She doesn’t pick out fans to take backstage for the same reason you do, you sucio fuck!
And here’s to a Swift recovery. (Thousands of others have already been GONG’d for that line, I’m sure, so I might as well join the pack.)
Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris TRIED it, but Brit Brit and Justin Timberlake still hold the title as the couple who gave us the greatest matching moment in history. The runners-up of that title are Ruby and Victor from my junior high school. Ruby and Victor were voted “Best Couple” (yes, we had that) and every Friday they’d both wear baggy stone washed jeans and an oversized Hanes white t-shirt with the words “Mi Amor” airbrushed on the back. I’d like to think that Ruby’s wedding dress was made out of those t-shirts. That’s how exquisite they were.
A week after Taylor and Calvin touched mouths at Kenny Chesney’s show, the two blonde giraffes left the HAIM show at the Troubadour in L.A. hand-in-hand which means they’re totally getting “intimate” and since we’re talking about Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms, that means they’re at the point in their relationship where she’s letting him play with her Easy Bake Oven. That’s not a euphemism. The paps say that Tay Tay and Cal Cal left the Troubadour through the backdoor (that’s not a euphemism either). They used the backdoor because they are an oh-so-private couple and are not the kind of STUNT QUEEN attention whores who use the front door. I’m sure minutes before these pictures were taken, Taylor’s publicist stood by the backdoor and whistled for the paps to come around.
And here’s more of Tay Tay and Cal Cal looking like Danny and Sandy in the final scene of Grease if Danny and Sandy exclusively shopped at J. Crew and BCBG.
Brace yourselves. If Madge is the newest member of Taylor Swift’s Pussy Posse (which is like Leonard DiCatchAHo’s Pussy Posse except that they play with actual kittens instead of model vagina), she’ll be the “~cool~ really, really older sister” of that mob of basics and we’ll soon see pictures on Instagram of her teaching the girls how to suck peen by deep throating a water bottle (or a watermelon) and pictures of her and Tay Tay freezing Lena Dunham’s chonies after everyone passes out in a sugar coma from eating the heart-shaped tarts they made in the Easy Bake Oven.
While dressed like a ringmaster at a circus that doubles as a bordello, Madge sung her new single “Ghosttown” as Taylor Swift played the guitar at the iFartRadio Awards last night. I watched this in my hotel room last night and at first I couldn’t see Tay Tay’s face. I just saw that jacked up blond “freshly fucked David Cassidy“ hair, so I thought it was a really skinny C.C. DeVille in a silky slip. But my hard nipples went soft when I realized it was Tay Tay and not C.C. DeVille in a silky slip.
It’s only Monday, but you may get in your weekly quota of eyeball calisthenics while watching Taylor, who looks like Stevie Nicks’ mop, turn on the sexyface and get all dramatic like she’s Slash or some shit.
Well, the good news is that Madge didn’t try to shock us all by wet scissoring with Tay Tay during the last verse. She’s probably saving that move for the VMAs. And if you somehow didn’t meet your weekly eye roll quota while watching that video, Tay’s tweet might do it. She tweeted that she’s “ugly crying forever” over performing with Madge. Weekly eye roll quota met!
And here’s Tay Tay with all the awards she won last night.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Sophia the First’s passive-aggressive older sister Taylor Swift (“I’m the first, sweetie.”) and that DJ guy Calvin Harris made out at a Kenny “Fraud” Chesney show in Nashville last night. There was also some lap-sitting involved. I’ll hold your bag while you take a moment.
These snaps are from the Taylor Swift Updates Twatter. That lady in the lower left of the 2nd pic is mirroring my “what, who, eh?” expression exactly.
As I snarky-aggregated yesterday, Swifty and DJ Calvin have been photo-opping around Nashville, wearing matching outfits and celebrating Phase One of The Harry Styles Will Feel Tay Tay’s Wrath Project being complete.
TMZ reports that DJ Calvin had his arm around Taylor’s waist, she was seated upon his lap for a spell, and “an eyewitness” (Hi, Taylor’s publicist using the voice-changer from Scream because TMZ knows your voice really well by now) spotted them kissing.
Here’s your bag back. Wait, let me hold it again while you guffaw at this November 2014 video from TMZ of DJ Calvin stating that Taylor Swift isn’t his type. Several times. If Tay Tay wants you to wear matching outfits with her, TAY TAY GETS YOU TO WEAR MATCHING OUTFITS WITH HER.
Did formerly squinty Renee Zellweger let Tay Tay know that the closet cowboy was up for some future bearding work? This must have happened while Renee was cleaning out her cubby at the last Celebrity Squinters meeting.
Here’s a vid of Taylor dancing. And and one of her and Calvin going backstage or something. Did you want your bag back yet?
Check out more pics Taylor on stage with Chesney below.
Watch out, little girl. She’ll squee with you over lip gloss flavors but behind your back everyone’s a Katy Perry (aka “jealous rival”) . Nightmare dressed as a nightmare (I mean, look at that pic – bitch is evil) Taylor Swift has once again been sighted in the general vicinity of Diplo Lite aka Calvin Harris. Good on her. Dude is hot, right?
They were spotted walking out of a Whole Foods in Nashville together on March 25. I’m going to hazard a guess that this was Tay Tay’s idea. You know Swifty Longstocking was all “wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we wore matching outfits for the paps?” Harris probably replied “oh, yeah, ha ha?” while thinking “she’s exactly how they describe her, what have I done, what do I do, she mates for life, help, help me, she will castrate me, who do I call, Jesus, Jesus are you there?!?”
Taylor probably spent the evening tee-heeing near the heirloom tomatoes over the dissolution of One Direction. Because Harry Styles is still on her shit list (written on Strawberry Shortcake stationary and hidden in her vintage Caboodles makeup organizer that Lena Dunham found her on EBay). Her convoluted but successful plan to tip off the paps about Zayn Malik’s cheating to break up the band worked perfectly. If she had a moustache, she’d be twirling it right now. “You don’t think I’m like, you know, mental cuz’ I want Harry Styles to watch every one of his dreams die in front of him, right, Calvin? Right? DO YOU?”
“You hear that Meredith? Let this be a warning; you don’t fuck with Queen Butterscotch.”
Everybody has made dumb mistakes at work (flashback to me drinking the last of the Champale in the Dlisted lunchroom before realizing Gob Bluth-style that I’ve made a huge mistake), and for professional iTunes jockey Diplo, the biggest mistake of his career was coming for the head cheerleader of the recording industry Taylor Swift and her flatter than flat ass on Twitter back in November. Diplo told GQ back in January that his life had become a living nightmare thanks to Taylor Swift’s army of hardcore ride-or-die fans, and I guess he didn’t get all his thoughts out the first time, because he recently spoke to GQ Style (via Daily Mail) about it once again, this time adding that dragging Taylor Swift was a big mistake. Big. Huge!
“All I know is don’t ever get into a feud with Taylor Swift. She has like 50 million people that will die for her. It’s like an army that’s worse than North Korea. You can’t step into that arena. That was something I was never prepared for. One of the biggest mistakes of my career was definitely fucking with her.”
Uh huh. I totally believe you regret doing the thing that has gotten you 1000x more attention than you ever got pressing play in iTunes. Sure.
Of course, Diplo has since made up with Sprinkles Jong-un, but I’m sure he still nervously checks over his shoulder every time he enters an American Girl Doll store for Taylor Swift fans who might recognize him as the man who dared to insult their beloved leader.
And speaking of both DJs and Taylor Swift, Heat magazine (I’ll wait while you grab a handful of salt) says Tay Tay might be currently humping on Rita Ora’s former DJ piece Calvin Harris. Tay Tay reportedly went to see him perform in Las Vegas and was seen hanging out with him after the show where they talked to each other for 8 minutes. I know that an 8-minute conversation seems like a major reach, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure Taylor Swift considers anything over a 2-minute conversation with a boy to be a serious date.
If you heard a high-pitched shrieking sound this weekend that sounded sort of like Regina George after she discovered that Cady had been sabotaging her with those Kalteen bars, this will explain why. On Saturday, Marcia Brady’s 21st century equivalent Taylor Swift Instagrammed a picture of her left leg with a huge-ass bloody scratch down the side of it. According to Tay Tay, it was the work of one of her prized pussies, Meredith Grey. Tay Tay didn’t elaborate on what caused Meredith to lose her shit, but did address the rumor that she recently insured her legs for $40 million by captioning the photo:
“GREAT WORK MEREDITH. I WAS JUST TRYING TO LOVE YOU AND NOW YOU OWE ME 40 MILLION DOLLARS”
If I was Meredith, now would be the time I’d start hitting up Grumpy Cat and Garfield and Heathcliff and all my other rich pussy friends for some cash, because we all know Tay Tay doesn’t play when it comes to money.
And for those of you wondering whether or not you should be organizing a prayer vigil for lil’ Butterscotch, don’t worry – Taylor posted a pun-filled follow-up picture yesterday and she appears to be fine:
Even feline pun enthusiasts are groaning over that one. Me-OW? I guess “What a CATastrophe!” was too long. Still, if I were Tay Tay, I’d want to get to the bottom of why one of my pussies turned on me. Maybe it was out for revenge after it read that she had insured her legs for $40 million. “Are you kidding meow? I’ve asked her six times for an upgrade to Fancy Feast and every time that bitch says it’s not in the budget!”
There have been at least 200 bitchy glitter pen entries since the John Mayer chapter of Taylor Swift’s Burn Book, but according to John Mayer, people still want to poke their long-dead relationship with a stick and he’s over it all. During a recent interview with MSNBC (via UsWeekly), question asker Ronan Farrow sort of tip-toed around Tay Tay’s name, as one does when they want to talk about Tay Tay so as not to invoke her butterscotch wrath. But John Mayer clearly wasn’t having the perpetual middle school drama of it all and came right out with the following:
“We have to be able to talk about Taylor Swift professionally.”
The Vinegar Prince then brought up his song “Paper Doll“, aka John Mayer’s version of a Taylor Swift break-up song from 2 years ago that was totally written about either Taylor Swift or Barbie, and took a swipe at the gossip telling types who thought it was a swipe at Tay Tay:
It appears that former fabric store trash heap goblin Lady Gaga’s current life character is that of some sort of Sound of Music-singing heart-shaped engagement ring-wearing normal haired normal person, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that she reached out to Normcore Princess Taylor Swift the other day on Twitter. Also, because if Kanye West lecturing at Oxford has taught me anything, it’s that life is weird and random and makes no goddamn sense.
Billboard says it all started on Sunday when Taylor tweeted the following:
I guess that “living” she’s referring to is the fact that she no longer looks like an undead cartoon corpse or that she was still alive after freezing her wig off in Lake Michigan. Regardless, Lady Gaga decided to respond to Tay Tay’s tweet with her own inspirational message:
Whaaaaaaaat is Lady Gaga talking about? She sounds like she was just tweeting random shit she saw on a collection of thrift store coffee mugs. Life is friends, family, and love. Your prince charming will come. Heart shape + kiss lips (the pattern on a mug that says Keep it steamy, Valentine).
It was nice of Lady Gaga to write back, but I guess she didn’t get the memo that Taylor Swift isn’t a boy-crazy bitch anymore. Or maybe Lady Gaga is that forever lovesick friend who finds out you went on a shitty date and she starts blowing up your phone with hopeful shit about there being plenty of fish in the sea and putting up with the rain to get the rainbow and all that. And even when you’re like “it’s cool, don’t worry about it“, she’s like “YOU’RE CLEARLY CRYING INSIDE! LET THE TEARS OUT, GIRL! DANCE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT!!!!” Yeah, I’m sticking with my coffee mug theory.
Speaking of crazy, here’s Gaga dressed for the summer while taking her dog for a winter walk this weekend in NYC: