Right after Taylor Swift almost made Britain declare war on our asses by desecrating the Union Jack at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in NYC, VS model Jessica Hart squirted out a thin stream of shade through her teef gap at the after-party. When WWD asked Jessica Hart if Taylor Swift could make it as a bra and panties model, she turned the apple picking set against her when she said this about their queen:
“No… God bless her heart. I think she’s great… But I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”
After Jessica Hart realized that Taylor will probably get revenge on her by fucking her man (Side note: Gappy bitch is dating NACHOS!) before writing a hit song called “You’ve Got A Gap In Your Hart,” she did the damage control shuffle a week later by saying this to UsWeekly:
“I adore Taylor Swift and I was so excited to be with her at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show… She is a true rock star and she absolutely killed it the other night.”
But Jessica Hart’s shameless lies to keep getting booked by VS didn’t work. Page Six says that VS executives are obviously a bunch of Swifty fans who get together every Saturday night to make strawberry snow cones on their Snoopy Sno Cone machine while singing karaoke to Taylor Swift songs, because they have decided to never use Jessica Hart again. Jessica Hart won’t walk in anymore VS shows and they’ll never book her for catalogs or ads again. Swifty strikes again and that eery cold wind that just blew between Jessica’s gap is from Taylor cackling over this while having tea with the yarn animals she knitted.
Victoria’s Secret is crazy, though. How are they going to replace Jessica Hart?! Where are they going to find another skinny ass blonde model who’s about as bland as tap water gravy on top of a pile of hospital mashed potatoes? Oh yeah, they can always borrow one from Leonardo DiCaprio’s stash. He can lend them one or two.
UPDATE: The president of VS tells E! that Jessica Hart didn’t get dropped and they plan to work with her in the future.
And Here’s The Video Of Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift And Prince William Singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” Together
Yesterday, I linked to a post about Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift and Prince William awkwardly singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” together at the
Winter White People Gala Winter Whites Gala at Kensington Palace in London and now here’s the video of it. It’s like watching your 9-year-old former child beauty queen cousin (the one who got kicked out of Karen’s Kids for hogging up the mic all the time), your dad and your socially awkward and permanently constipated uncle sing karaoke while completely sober at a wedding.
From Taylor moving like a baby giraffe trying to ice skate to Prince William looking about as nervous as me when I went to a children’s party and realized there was no booze (I was 8), this is every kind of awkward. If only Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t currently spooning with a bear in his tent during his trek to the South Pole. He would’ve saved the show by drunkenly singing out the wrong words before falling onto Taylor causing both of them to hit the floor. PHG would’ve gotten a standing ovation, mostly because he put a stop to Taylor’s dancing.
I really deserve a double Alexis Carrington slap to both of my fucking face cheeks for even comparing that basic bitch Taylor Swift to the legendary SammyJo. Taylor Swift looks like a Dollar Tree broom going to a Halloween party as Sammy Jo Carrington. But really, when I saw Taylor Swift at the American Music Awards tonight, I got severe shades of Sammy Jo. The truth is, the comparison is not totally crazy, because Taylor Swift will probably end up marrying a gay dude and we all know that she’s kidnapped a white guy or two. But the biggest difference is that Taylor Swift could never bust out sweet, sweet, boner-inducing moves like these:
I know I post that clip way too often, but if I didn’t post it at least once every couple months, I’d probably wilt like a dick in front of Parasite Hilton’s pussy, because Sammy Jo dancing is life’s oxygen. And I know Taylor Swift is a boy trap who is the only 23-year-old on Earth who makes heart-shaped raspberry tarts in her Easy Bake Oven, but I have to give her credit for doing herself up like Sammy Jo. It’s best decision she’s ever made her in her life!
I guess the note that was passed to me in homeroom that said that Taylor Swift is going around with Harry Styles again was a lie, because she’s supposedly going around with a different British twink who’s as delicate as a newborn ladybug resting on a white rose petal. People says that Taylor and 21-year-old British actor Douglas Booth got all canoodly and shit in the back room of a pub called The Holly Bush (which sounds like Tay Tay’s pet name for her pubes) in London on Friday night. Some source said:
“They hired the back room and were in there alone. They looked very happy [and] were just smiling and laughing just like any other customers.”
Douglas Booth was recently in that Romeo & Juliet remake with 16-year-old Hailee Steinfeld, who is one of Taylor’s best friends. Taylor was at the premiere of Romeo & Juliet a while ago and supposedly flirted with him.
I find this a little hard to believe. First of all, I don’t think he’s gay and second of all, he’s 21! That’s way too far from barely legal age for Taylor.
And Taylor would have a 16-year-old best friend. Bitch is like a 20-something high school senior who keeps flunking on purpose, because they can’t let go of being the most popular ho in school and want to stay in that bubble away from real life forever. She’s like David Arquette’s Never Been Kissed character trapped in the body of a humanized Holly Hobbie doll.
I always thought Taylor Swift was a “been there, done that, wrote a hit song about it” kind of trick, so I figured that when she and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s hair twin Harry Styles didn’t re-negotiate their contract in January, she’d troll the playrooms at award shows for the next barely legal white twink pop star to write songs about for her next album. But Ninemsn’s TheFIX says that Harry is once again squirting glaze on Taylor’s heart-shaped strawberry tart. That is not a euphemism. Taylor’s idea of a sexy Saturday night is making heart-shaped strawberry tarts. If she’s really into it, she’ll let her piece sprinkle his sugar on her pound cake donut.
Some source says that Taylor and Harry started talking again after running into each other at the VMAs. Taylor is house hunting in London (because you can never have too many houses that look a fancy Red Robin) and Harry offered to help her. The source burped this up:
“When Taylor confided in Harry during a phone conversation how she wanted to live somewhere close to him in North London whilst she was in Europe working, Harry quickly was on hand to help.They still have feelings for each other. She’s definitely still in love with him and he’s got a massive soft spot for her. They’ll see how it works at Christmas and make it official in the New Year.”
I really, really hope that Taylor’s search for the perfect house to stalk Harry Styles from is filmed for an episode of House Hunters International, because that would be the best episode ever. “I really like this balcony. I can see myself sipping my morning cup of scorned boy tears here.” “I really hate the color of these walls, but that’s okay, because I’m going to cover them with the blood of my next victim anyway.” “I really like the ceiling height. I can hang my full-size replica of Captain Hook’s pirate ship in here.” “This kitchen doesn’t have a wall mounted Easy Bake Oven?! I told you that was at the top of my list!”
And as for Harry and Taylor getting back together, I’ll believe it when I see another picture of them doing the Dirty Dancing lift on Twitter. Harry’s a slut and Taylor’s not going to give up the coochie again. She might let him stick the tip in her b-hole, but the v is for serious boyfriends only!
Speaking of Taylor’s dudes, in their cover story on how Taylor is the BIGGEST POP STAH IN DA WORLD, New York Magazine asked her how her past boyfriends have reacted to her writing songs about them.
“I heard from the guy that most of Red is about. He was like, ‘I just listened to the album, and that was a really bittersweet experience for me. It was like going through a photo album.’ That was nice. Nicer than, like, the ranting, crazy e-mails I got from this one dude. It’s a lot more mature way of looking at a love that was wonderful until it was terrible, and both people got hurt from it—but one of those people happened to be a songwriter.”
The crazy, ranting bitch was obviously John Mayer. I bet he also e-mailed her a few viruses to go with the viruses he probably gave her twat.
Taylor Swift’s relationship contract re-negotiations with Harry Styles broke down a million years ago and her b-hole is obviously still sore and chapped about it, because at last night’s Parade of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Past and Future Exes (aka the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show), she got revenge on her silent movie ingenue-looking ex-boyfriend by violating his national flag. It looks like Ginger Spice’s Union Jack dress got a severe case of the wet shits and exploded everywhere. BLASPHEMY! When Taylor is trolling the yard of a Manhattan high school while looking for a new piece today, a black pocketbook will hit her in the head. That’s courtesy of THE QUEEN who threw it from across the pond.
Anyway, while wearing a tiny hat that only looks good on Yorkies, Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms performed at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show in NYC last night (this craps airs in December). Taylor’s BMI is probably in the negative range, but put her next to a bunch of models who weigh about as much as a baby mouse’s dry fart and she looks like me lying on my side after eating a bag of gingerbread cream cookies from Target. (It’s not my fault that Target shits out holiday crap before all the Halloween candy I swallowed has digested.)
Tommy Girl might think that acting is about as hard as being a soldier in Afghanistan, but he needs to try being a Victoria’s Secret model. Weeks before the show, they can only eat slivers of filtered air and ice cold mist. Then on show day, they’re put into panties and a bra and have to strut down a catwalk with 50 pounds of Michael’s craft materials on their backs as Leonardo DiCaprio and Adam Levine bid on them from the audience and Taylor Swift yodels in their ears. Try that, TG!
And every damn year when I look at pictures from this craft project wreck of a show, I wonder why the wish I made years ago hasn’t been answered yet. Why isn’t there an International Male UnderGear show? I want to see bedazzled dicks with heart-shaped mylar balloons tied to them. Yeah, I know I can see that at any males-only Scientology party, but I’m not down with the whole “signing over my soul at the front door” thing.
Whenever there’s some kind of awards show, I take comfort in knowing that Taylor Swift is probably going to show up wearing some heavy ass gown that a First Lady (circa early 2000s) would wear to an Inaugural Ball. Taylor of Sunnybrook didn’t disappoint at tonight’s CMA Awards in Nashville. The only thing this look is missing is a really happy Dubya asking her to pull his finger.
You know, if I look at her dress long enough, it kind of looks like bedazzled blood splattered all over her. She kind of looks like a giant sparkly blood clot that passed out of a unicorn’s vagina during a heavy flow period. It looks like the aftermath of a bloody fairy massacre. And speaking of dresses that look like body fluids, Carrie Underwood wore this:
So far this is my favorite look of the night and not just because she’s wearing apricot Mary Kay lipstick. This is the look because it looks like she’s pissing out a heavy stream of sequins.
And here’s some more pictures from tonight’s show including some of Kellie Pickler and Miranda Lambert. Kellie and Miranda must’ve not gotten the bedazzled body fluids memo, because neither of them is dressed up like a puddle of rhinestone-covered diarrhea.
The come-to-life Strawberry Shortcake Lemon Meringue doll Taylor Swift will follow up her emotionally raw and multi-layered performance in Valentine’s Day with an equally as emotional raw performance in the movie adaptation of the 1993 novel The Giver. I have never heard of this Giver shit before, but apparently every early 90s child read it and it was like their Hunger Games. Here’s IMDB’s description of it:
In a seemingly perfect community, without war, pain, suffering, differences or choice, a young boy is chosen to learn from an elderly man about the true pain and pleasure of the “real” world.
Brenton Thwaites, who’s supposedly Taylor’s latest apple picking partner, will pull some Gabrielle Carteris shit, because he’s 23 and he’s going to play the 12-year-old lead in this. Entertainment Weekly says that Meryl Streep will play the Chief Elder of the perfect community, Katie Holmes will play the boy’s mom, ASkars will play the boy’s father and Jeff Bridges will play The Giver (I always figured Jeff Bridges as more of a versatile bottom, but whatever). Taylor has been cast in a small role as Rosemary, the last teenager mentored by The Giver.
Two things: I see Katie Holmes is making Tommy Girl seethe out of his Underoos by kissing on and bumping nipples with ASkars in a movie. And since this takes place in a perfect community with no pain or suffering, that means that Taylor Swift isn’t going to sing live, right?
While the singing band of twinks in jeggings we all know as One Erection were presenting Best Pop Video at the MTV VMAs last night, the camera cut to Taylor Swift and it looked like she was saying “shut the fuck up” to her former Easy Bake Oven sous chef and cuddle partner Harry Styles. Both MTV and HuffPo think she was telling Harry to shut the mouth that she once kissed through her hand during a game of spin the bottle in her stuffed animal room. But I studied this highly important GIF and it doesn’t look like the fuck word is coming out of her mouth hole. Side note: I do not recommend spending the first part of your Monday morning watching Taylor Swift’s mouth move over and over again, because I think she hypnotized me and now I really have the urge to make jam out of tears and the blood of my ex-boyfriends.
You know, I’m all for a trick telling any member of One Direction to “shut the fuck up,” but to me it looks like Taylor is saying, “Sorry my arm.” Let’s watch the video, because this is extremely important and none of us will be able to move on with our lives if we don’t know what Taylor said.
I’m sure the country’s most esteemed lip readers will clear their schedule and study this for hours, if not days, before telling us that she’s really saying, “John Mayer gave me herpes.” That makes the most sense. And Taylor may or may not have brought the bitchery when Harry Styles was one stage, but she brought it when she won Best Female Video for “I Knew You Were Trouble.” Taylor said:
“Thank you. Wow. I want to thank the fans because I tweeted about this a lot, I really really wanted this. I also want to thank the person that inspired this song, and he knows exactly who he is, because I got one of these!”
There she is! There’s the 8th grade bitchy mean girl we all know.
And here’s Taylor done up like a middle-aged, drunk cabaret singer from the 1930s.
During her last show at the Staples Center in L.A. last night, Taylor Swift brought out JLo to sing her “hair brush song” “Jenny from the Block.” I wish the camera was on the audience when JLo came up and “Jenny from the Block” started playing, because half of those children probably weren’t even born when that shit came out and a wave of “Huh?” covered all of their faces.
Taylor is posing like it’s her first day at Barbizon and when she dances she looks like a baby ostrich scratching its flea bites against a tree, but that’s not the messiest part of this. JLo’s warbling wail of a voice isn’t even the messiest part. JLo’s “lump of shit” bedazzled diaper pants are. Bitch probably thinks wearing diaper pants will bring her and Baby Casper Smart closer together (Or maybe she thinks Casper Smart will want her more if it looks like she’s got a pair of low hangers in her pants). JLo, stop playing, and give Justin Bieber his rhinestone diaper pants back.