Why do I feel like the Wildlife Sydney Zoo is about to get a huge donation from Kim Kardashian…or Taylor Swift just so she can annoyingly “reclaim the narrative.” The Australian zoo just got a brown snake, one of the world’s most venomous slithery things that isn’t named Pimp Mama Kris, and rather than just name it Kris, they’re looking to make some money and give us petty hos an opportunity to petty up the animal kingdom.
After a years-long absence of her insufferable Fourth of July party, Taylor Swift is back, new, and improved. This time it’s all about the insufferable New Year’s Eve party! It’s been over two years since Taylor made her squad dress up and pose like an elementary school birthday party for her annual bE$t EvArRRr Independence Day party. Just when the squad thought it was safe to wear normal clothes to her parties, Taylor appears to have made everyone ring out 2018 in their best Party City costumes.
With the amount of mass shootings and other tragic events taking place during gatherings with large crowds Taylor Swift took a huge ‘Not Up In Here!’ stance by implementing facial recognition software at one of her past shows. File this under: Smart wrapped in creepy.
On the one hand, I’m side-eyeing this story hard. On the other, I totally buy it and can imagine Taylor Swift mailing an e-engagement announcement to Karlie Kloss that bellows, “ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER!” when opened. Taylor and her boyfriend Joe Alwyn have been together for a surprisingly long while (almost two years), and he hasn’t been the source of a jaded album or an annoying 4thof July photo shoot – yet. Some now think that’s making Joe eager to lock down a retirement plan (aka propose to Taylor).
Us Weekly says don’t take Taylor’s reluctance to parade Joe around like her other men as a sign of embarrassment. It’s the opposite. This is REAL love and not meant for us meanie pants people to mock. A snitch says Joe must like that because he might put some hardware on that finger:
“Joe is very keen on proposing soon. But he wants to make it unforgettable and extremely special.”
Not to be THAT bitch, but isn’t getting to the proposal stage extremely special enough? Please don’t be that trick who hires the Haim sisters to serenade during the proposal because Taylor is likely already planning that for when she gets on one knee and proposes to you, Joe. The same blabber says Joe is Taylor’s “dream guy” and that she’ll be “over the moon” to get engaged. Yeah, well, that’s because she’ll finally have an entirely new subject to sing about on her albums. Don’t even get me STARTED on when Joe knocks her up, and she’s expecting the first Swiftie offspring!
Prepare For The Wrath Of The Swifties And The Beyhive: Taylor Swift And Beyonce Were Shut Out Of The Major Grammy Categories
Every single Grammy voter better arm themselves with RAID Beyhive spray (yes, they make that) and Katy Purry Purrfume (a cat dies every time I type that), because their Gods, Taylor Swift and Beyonce, were denied a nomination in the major categories. The Grammy nominations were announced this morning, and while Tay Tay and Bey Bey were thrown some nominations (aka PITY NOMS!), they didn’t make it into Album of the Year, Record of the Year or Song of the Year. They also didn’t make the Best New Artist cut, and no, they’re far from new, but I’m sure their fans are screaming, “They reinvent themselves with each album they do so they’re a new artist each time!!!!”
Meanwhile, Post Malone, who I’m convinced is a Shia LaBeouf performance art piece based on his favorite Garbage Pail Kid, got nominations for AOTY and ROTY. The Beyhive better not even try to come for Post Malone, because the mutated gnats always buzzing around him will bite off their heads. They’ve been warned.
Taylor Swift might not have landed the title of the richest woman in music this year. Which was probably fine for little ol’ humble Taylor, who probably pulled some It’s A Wonderful Life corniness by hugging her cats and saying that friends are what make you truly rich. Now she has confirmation that she is rich in Twitter influence. Brandwatch has published a list of the most influential men and women on Twitter, and Taylor took the top spot.