Hmmm… those chichis look a bit…deflated. Does Katy Perry have to make EVERYTHING about her, even #deflategate?!
At the green round table in the middle of the cafeteria the other day, 14-time HS junior and one of the most popular girls in school Katy Perry told the school newspaper (aka Billboard) that she’s not a shady megabitch or anything, but if a petty whore, who shall remain nameless, tugs at her ponytail, she’s going to tug back, because she lives her life like that Christina Aguilera song “Fighter.” Katy Perry didn’t name names, but we all know she’s talking about 11-time HS freshmen and assistant JV cheerleading captain Taylor Swift. The lamest and most immature high school feud all started when Tay Tay said that her song “Bad Blood” is about a conniving, cunty pop star who is her “straight-up enemy” and tried to sabotage her tour by stealing her back-up dancers. Katy slapped back at Taylor by tweeting: “Watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing.”
While talking about her half-time performance at the homecoming game on Sunday, Katy told the school newspaper that she’s not one to get into the ~dramz~ but she’s not going to let some jealous ho bag twat stick defame her character. “Hah, that bitch Katy defamed her own character and snatch when she fucked that creepy band geek slut John Mayer,” said all of us outcasts while passing a joint behind the gym during last period.
In her new Billboard cover story, Katy Perry wasn’t interested in throwing shade. Keeping her eye on the Super Bowl halftime show prize, Perry only had this to offer when asked about it: “If somebody is trying to defame my character, you’re going to hear about it.”
I totally wasn’t going to watch the homecoming game (“More like HoCumming game since that big ho Katy is performing, amirite?” – Taylor) on Sunday, but now I am. I can’t wait to see Taylor get her revenge on her straight-up enemy by crashing the stage to catfight with that trick.
And yes, I realize that calling a 30-year-old and a 25-year-old two immature high school girls is rich coming from someone whose posts read like they were taken directly from a burn book written by a bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girl who huffs paint all the time. No offense to bitchy, unpopular 12-year-old girls who huff paint all the time.
Here’s Katy at some Super Bowl press conference.
While vintage postcard person Taylor Swift was on vacation in Hawaii with her current girl clique (the Haim girls), TMZ says some evil butterscotch-hating hacker types correctly guessed her password (livelovelaugh123) and hacked into her Twitter and Instagram accounts. Unfortunately, it appears this was their first celebrity social media hack and they didn’t realize you’re supposed to post pictures of dicks or tweet stuff like “@poofacts: My favorite sandwiches are hot doo doo sandwiches #yum“, because TMZ says the only damage they did was give a couple shout-outs to some fellow hacker types. Amateurs!
Taylor’s confirmed her shit got hacked by posting a message on her Tumblr saying that Twitter had locked her account and were in the process of changing her passwords. That’s when the hackers claimed to have nudie pictures of Tay Tay and were threatening to release them. Thankfully, the tech team at Twitter was able to get Tay Tay’s Twitter account back up so she could slap at the hackers and call BS on the existence of said nude pics:
However, the hackers did release several screenshots of alleged DMs between Tay Tay and some famous types, like Nick Jonas. Then again, the use of phrases like “Are we bad kids now?” and “You’re whalecome” make me think that it might just be the online correspondence of some random 13-year-old girl. Either way, I’m sure Tay Tay’s cat Detective Olivia Benson already has several suspects in custody and is in the process of interrogating them.
And does anyone know if Diplo has an alibi?
Just when you thought the messy middle-school slap fight between student council president Taylor Swift and the kid who thinks he’s a DJ because Mr. Montgomery lets him press play on the stereo at school dances Diplo was over, it appears we’re going to need to call over the recess monitor, because DJ Diplo is starting shit again.
During a recent interview with GQ, Diplo was asked about that time Richmond Avenal’s little sister Lorde dragged him on Twitter for having a tiny dick after he dragged Taylor Swift for having no ass. Since Diplo is a gossip-hissing 13-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown-ass man, he responded in the way that felt most natural of him: by continuing to hiss at Taylor, as well as her fans. Cue up your “oh here go hell come” gifs now.
It turns out Taylor Swift’s bathroom cry fest freakout wasn’t the most middle school-y thing to happen to Taylor Swift after the Golden Globes on Sunday night. According to Star magazine, Taylor went from heartbroken prom queen to class-skipping bad influence popular girl by peer pressuring her 18-year-old high school friend Lorde to get her drink on at a Golden Globes afterparty.
A source says Taylor was drinking a rum and coke, but decided to switch to wine, at which point the source says she started “feeding her rum and coke to Lorde.” Tay Tay apparently told Lorde she didn’t have to drink if she didn’t want to, but reassured her that “rum is so good!” Lorde then took a sip, liked it, and ordered a rum and coke for herself. “And if you like that” Taylor’s bad ass alter-ego Tylor said “then I bet you’ll also love cigarettes. Look, I snuck two from my mom’s purse. Let’s smoke them!”
Taylor also apparently made the classic middle school mistake of drinking on an empty stomach. The source added that Tay Tay didn’t eat anything, and when a server brought In-N-Out to her table, she just picked at it. EXCUSE ME? She just picked at it? She must not have been drinking as much as we thought, because no drunk can resist the siren song of a greasy In-N-Out cheeseburger.
And to add another melodramatic chapter to the YA novel that is her life, Taylor followed up her messy Golden Globes night with an awkward run-in with Harry Styles on Wednesday night at the birthday party for King of Leon singer Caleb Followill. OMG poor Tay Tay! What’s next, finding out she’s also been cut from the volleyball team?
Speaking of middle school, here’s Tay Tay looking like a homeschooled girl named Teighlor as she makes her way to a ballet class in Beverly Hills yesterday:
Taylor Swift Might Have Had A Cry-Filled Breakdown Over Jake Gyllenhaal At A Golden Globes Afterparty
Which would make Lorde that friend who strokes her hair while saying “No girl, stop your tears – he ain’t worth it!!!“, I guess?
Even though Taylor Swift has been on a bit of a girl power I-ain’t-need-no-man kick recently, it sounds like she’s still a fragile ball of boy-crazy 13-year-old girl emotions. According to UsWeekly (via Lainey Gossip), the real life Stacey McGill found herself at the same Golden Globes afterparty at the Chateau Marmont on Sunday night with Jake Gyllenhaal, and it got all kinds of dramatic.
A source says that sometime around 2am, Tay Tay was seen freaking out on the dance floor and telling a friend “We have to go, we have to go.” Also on the dance floor? Jakey G, who was busting a move with famous dick enthusiast Rita Ora. The source says Tay Tay ran to the bathroom with a bunch of her friends, including Cara Delevingne, to have a meltdown, and emerged a while later with her eye makeup smudged to hell and pacing around the lobby. Eventually she moved it outside, where she was seen sitting on a bench with Cara’s arm around her.
However, Detective La Lainey has noticed that UsWeekly seems to have updated their original story, and it’s now 100% less like a melodramatic middle school semi-formal. UsWeekly is now saying that several sources claim Tay Tay was totally cool running into Jake. In fact, said “sources” say they saw Tay Tay run up to Jake and give him a big hug, adding that they were smiling and chatting and braiding each others hair and shit.
Hmmm…who to believe, who to believe. The first “source” who says Tay Tay was a blubbering butterscotch mess, or the second “source” who says she was totally cool and whatever about the whole situation? I’m going with the first, but only because the microchip in Taylor’s living doll brain is permanently set to 1960s Teenage Girl, so it would make sense that the second her eyes saw
Judy and Johhny Jakey and Rita Ora, she’d get all “It’s My Party” and start crying. She can’t help it, really.
Here’s more of Tay Tay arriving to the InStyle/WB Golden Globes afterparty with her BFF Lorde, the Haim girls, and the 35-year-old woman who hangs out with them, Jaime King:
“Boy…friend? What is a boy friend?” asked a confused Leonardo DiCaprio from high atop a Jenga-like tower of 27 nameless naked models.
According to the journalistic vanguard that is The National Enquirer, Taylor Swift has set her beady-little boy crazy eyes on the current most accurate visual definition of the word itchy, Leo DiCaprio. That sound you just heard was four dozen panty models running down the deck of the S. S. Snatch Catcher to the communal laptop to update their Model Mayhem portfolios for fear that they might soon be out of a job.
The Enquirer claims that Tay Tay demanded her manager set up a meeting with DiDi to see if he was boyfriend material. Spoiler alert: HE’S NOT. Apparently he passed the test, and Tay Tay invited him to hang out with her in New York. She has also been texting him relentlessly, as is Taylor Swift’s custom. A source also says that Leo is “turned on” by her success, and that Tay Tay thinks they’d be the perfect “power couple.” Of course, a source close to Leo (Lukas Haas working hard while hardly working) tells Gossip Cop that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented bullshit.
You don’t have to be Detective Olivia Benson – the human, not the cat – to know this story is all kinds of questionable. First of all, there definitely wasn’t a second date after Tay Tay realized the person her manager had set her up with was neither Jack from Titanic or Romeo from Romeo+Juliet. Second, Tay Tay has a full-time job, which means she can’t spend 11 months of the year floating aimlessly on a yacht, which is Leo’s No.1 deal breaker. Third, we all know that Taylor is really into pussies, but the only girls-into-pussies that Leo is interested in are the ones who can fill in during Threesome Thursdays at Casa DiCaprio. Don’t worry Tay Tay – there’s plenty more hobo-looking man sluts in the sea.
You know, “date” is such a strong word, especially when it comes to a hot hit-it-and-quit-it piece like Orlando Bloom. Fuck several times, yes, but can you imagine dating that? Eventually you’d have to have an awkward conversation about all that random surfer bro jewelery and that tragic tribal sun tattoo on his upper dick area, and I’m not sure it would be worth it. However, someone thinks it would be, and that person is human-sized orange-flavoured singing Fruit Wrinkle Ed Sheeran.
Ed Sheeran told Now magazine (via HuffPo) that he thinks Legolas Greenleaf would be a great match for his boy-crazy BFF Taylor Swift, and he’s hoping they might consider getting together. According to Ed Sheeran, they have a lot in common: they live in the same building, and…well, that’s about it – they live in the same building:
“He’s lovely, and they live in the same building. [I'm hoping that] the magic might present itself eventually.”
Tay Tay has said recently that she’s taking a bit of a break from dating, so Ed might have to wait a bit for that “magic” to happen, but when it does, he’ll know. Hell, we’ll ALL know; Tay Tay is papped at least 4 times a day walking in and out of her building, so it will be CODE BLUE the second she steps out with someone who isn’t a cat.
Here’s more of Tay Tay’s potential next break-up song in Cancun with some mystery blonde that I choose to believe has been hired by Orlando to apply SPF-50 to his upper dick area tribal sun. Nobody wants sun burnt skin flakes falling onto their balls!
Taylor Swift Tried To Make A Low-Key Appearance At A Broadway Show, But Was Ratted Out By Jon Voight
Taylor Swift decided to spend her Christmas Eve eve (that’s a thing people celebrate, right?) doing what sounds like my nightmare: getting dressed up all fancy-like and going to the theatre. Christmas Eve eve is the night you pre-game for Christmas Eve by getting drunk on rum spiked with Baileys and eating Nanaimo bars till you start to lose all the feeling in your fingers, not spending $95 to be on your best behavior.
Regardless, Tay Tay is clearly much more refined than us drunks, because Page Six says she took her family to see Beautiful: The Carole King Musical on Christmas Eve eve, but unfortunately, Tay Tay wasn’t able to fly under the radar like she had hoped to, because St. Angie Jolie’s loudmouth father Jon Voight blew her cover. According to sources, Tay Tay managed to go unnoticed until intermission, and that’s when Jon Voight shouted across the theatre: “Taylor Swift! How are you?” Obviously hearing the words ‘Taylor Swift’ is like a Manchurian Candidate verbal trigger for girls aged seven to thirteen, so Taylor was mobbed by selfie-seeking fans. Good job, Jon Voight! Although – silver lining – at least he got her name right.
But is it really Jon Voight’s fault that Tay Tay was discovered? First off, St. Angie didn’t receive her gifts of quiet saintly humility from her father (she inherited them from her mentor, Jesus), so it’s kind of in his nature to talk first, think later. Second, he might have been drunk; hey, it was Christmas Eve eve. Finally, even if he hadn’t shouted out her name, Tay Tay would have still been mobbed by fans. It’s impossible for her to go incognito – she’s a 6-foot tall Disney Princess-looking humanoid giraffe.
Here’s Tay Tay looking like a Republican senator’s second wife as she arrives at Hugh Jackman’s play The River on Christmas Eve:
Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.
An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!”
I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.”
And Here’s Taylor Swift Dancing With Her Current Best Friend Beyonce At A Justin Timberlake Concert Last Night
In case you can’t tell from this crystal-clear picture, the one on the right in the Lady from Lady and the Tramp wig is Beyonce.
On Saturday, we found out that the newest members of Taylor Swift’s Homecoming Court included her majesty Beyonce, her humanoid camel husband, the HAIM girls, and Justin Timberlake, and on Sunday it looks like they all decided to celebrate their induction into Tay Tay’s current super-famous friends club by going to watch Justin Timberlake bust out some high-pitched dog whistle yodels at the Barclays Center. And not surprisingly, there’s footage of Taylor getting her awkward-suburban-white-girl-at-her-best-friend’s-Sweet 16 on. When Tay Tay hears music, Tay Tay gotta dance! And Beyonce did her good deed of the year by joining in instead of throwing Taylor a “Oh girl, no” face.
The video is after the cut: