Category: Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift Named The Global Welcome Ambassador Of NYC

October 27, 2014 / Posted by:

It really isn’t New York City’s month. First Ebola and now they have to deal with Taylor Swift being the official welcome mat of their city. That’s a title that should’ve gone to absolutely anybody in NYC besides Tay Tay. Dr. Zizmor, the elegant dream makers of Grand Prospect Hall and the glamorous master of Trash and Vaudeville were all ROBBED!

Taylor Swift’s new album “1989,” which will probably sell a million copies in its first week, came out today and since there’s a song called “Welcome to New York” on it, NYC’s tourism board and Taylor’s people have joined forces to queef up a terrible, terrible marketing idea. I guess “Welcome to New York” is the new unofficial welcome anthem of NYC, because Tay Tay has been named NYC’s Global Welcome Ambassador. When I visited NYC for the first time, within two hours of my visit I was welcomed by the sound of a drunken homeless guy saying to me, “Hey, cake boy, give me a dollar will ya?” That is the welcome anthem of NYC. Not a Taylor Swift song!

Taylor, who has lived in NYC for about 6 minutes, made the announcement on Good Morning America today (thrilling pictures below) and also said that she’s going to perform in her new hometown on New Year’s Eve. As part of her new role as NYC’s Global Welcome Ambassador, Tay Tay shot a cringe-inducing NYC orientation video where she educated visitors on what a bodega is, how to say Houston Street correctly and what “NoHo” is. NoHo isn’t only a neighborhood in Manhattan, it’s what I shouted out loud when Taylor announced that she was the new face of NYC. While watching that mess of a video, I kept waiting for Tay Tay to tell visitors what to do if a dude starts jerking off on their leg on the subway, but then I realized that stuff like that probably doesn’t happen in her chauffeured SUV. NYC’s newest mascot also spit this out:

“I’m still learning, but I’m so enthusiastic about this city that when I love something, I’m very vocal about it. New York was a huge landscape for what became this album. It’s affected my life in ways I’m not even aware of fully.”

Maybe Taylor isn’t such a shitty choice after all. It’s hard to live in Manhattan unless you caca money and can easily write a check for your $20 million apartment without blinking. So she’s a fit!

I always knew that if NYC was a human it’d be a gay dude and now that it’s in a contract relationship with Taylor Swift, my suspicion has been confirmed! I can’t wait until NYC rips up its relationship contract with Taylor and she goes back to the Christmas tree farm to write the break-up song titled “I Hate The Way You Say Houston.

Pics: Google, Splash

Taylor Swift Says She Hasn’t Gone On A Date In Over A Year

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift, the come-to-life Russian nesting doll comprised of an 83-year-old cookie-baking granny inside a 12-year-old part-time babysitter inside a melodramatic 24-year-old woman with a cat fetish with the heart of a whipped cream-covered butterscotch sundae, recently confessed to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) that she hasn’t been to nary a single drive-in movie or strawberry social with a gentleman caller in 18 months. But don’t you shed a single tear for Sweet Valley Swift – she’s happy that nobody’s been into her down-low peppermint rose garden in over a year, because it has given her more time to get to know (cue Lifetime-sounding music)…herself.

“I get stressed when I think about getting into a relationship because I get beat up in the press whenever I go near a boy. So you can understand why I’m taking a bit of a break. A relationship is not in my brain right now. Staying single has been the best thing I have done… I’m not wary of getting into another relationship. I’m just protective of my independence and freedom, more protective than I have been before. I always thought, ‘What could be better than to love someone and be loved back?’ I finally found what it is to love yourself and not need anyone to love you back.”

Tay Tay, why you lie?? There’s no way she quit the boys cold-turkey for a whole 18-months. I bet there’s a half-eaten Duncan Hines Brownie Husband sitting in Tay Tay’s apartment right now (we’ll know for sure if she writes a song called “Lover With A Melted Chocolate Heart” sometime in the next 10 months).

The only thing I don’t want to think about is Taylor’s “love yourself” comment. My brain is NOT prepared to handle the image of Tay Tay lighting a couple dozen vanilla-scented candles and ‘tending to her rose garden’, so to speak. That’s between Tay Tay and her vibrating Sailor Moon wand.

And to prove that relationships with boys are not on her brain right now, here’s Tay Tay performing that song about her relationship with Harry Styles on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night in the middle of Hollywood Blvd. She has truly moved on!

Here’s more of Tay Tay serving up some Upper East Side Fly Girl realness on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.

Pics: Splash

Taylor Swift Thinks It’s “Sexist” That She’s Called Out For Writing Songs About Her Exes

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift, the twee yodeling love child of Vintage Barbie and a grown up Huckleberry Pie, recently did an interview with the Jules, Merrick and Sophie radio show in Australia and Sophie Monk (Never 4get Bardot) asked her what she thinks about critics saying that she only writes songs about dudes she’s dated. Tay Tay of Green Gables stamped that criticism with the VERY SEXIST label and said that haters gonna hate hate hate on her songs about ex-pieces, but yet the likes of  jolly ginger Hobbit Ed Sheeran and grenade catcher Bruno Mars never get any shit thrown at them for writing songs about their ex pieces.

»

SHARE

So This Is Why Harry Styles Barfed On The Side Of The Freeway

October 14, 2014 / Posted by:

taylor-1989

Last night, Olivia Benson had her paws firmly shoved into her pussy ear holes, because her human Taylor Swift probably shrieked, screamed and squirted (smells like that Victoria’s Secret fruit spray shit from the late 90s) when “Out of the Woods,” a diary entry set to a Tears For Fears instrumental, went #1 on iTunes and trended on Twatter just 4 seconds after she queefed it out. YouTube keeps yanking the song down, so you can listen to it here.

The country-yodeling Holly Hobbie doll turned cheerleader going through an Emo phase wrote the song with Jack Antonoff of Fun (and the boyfriend of Tay Tay’s BFFFFFFFF4EVA Lena Dunham). If you filled your ears with it already, then the sound of Tay Tay saying “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” over and over again has probably squirmed its way into your head and is refusing to leave. It’s the worst kind of mind control. I want to go to North Woods (aka the Christmas restaurant) just so I can walk out of there while saying to myself “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” on a loop. That North Woods reference will only make sense to you if you’ve thrown peanut shells on the floor like an old-timey cowboy while dining at my favorite San Gabriel Valley gourmet emporium.

Taylor said on Twatter last night that “Out of the Woods” is not her next single. She released it because the song best represents her album “1989.” So expect her album to be filled with songs that sound like something Savage Garden wrote for the musical theater adaptation of a young adult romance novel. Tay told Rolling Stone in that ridiculous cover interview that “Out of the Woods” is about a relationship she struggled to get through. It’s obviously about Harry Styles and I’m guessing that Taylor struggled through that shit, because every time they did kissing stuff, his pucker was extra weak since all of his focus was on the screen of his phone as he texted his BFF Nick Grimshaw about the latest Topman collection. And this lyric:

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon/Twenty stitches in a hospital room.

That’s about a snowmobile accident Taylor and the dude were in. Damn you, paparazzi. You take approximately 2,345,678 pictures daily of Taylor Swift walking from her apartment building to an SUV and yet you fail to take 1 picture of her flying off of a snowmobile after Harry Styles “accidentally” hit the brakes too fast. You failed yourself. You failed us all.

And in totally related news, Harry Styles had the barfs in a major way the other day and he had to pull over on the 101 in L.A. to let it go. This picture was taken minutes after he found out that Taylor’s song about him was about to come out:

The good thing is that nobody had to hold Harry’s locks for him, because he already had his hair pulled by like you before doing your nightly beauty regimen.

Taylor Swift Took Her Cat For A Little Walk Because She’s Taylor Swift

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

If in her hands, she was also holding a baby pink cotton lunch bag full of the heart-shaped raspberry and pastel yellow marzipan tarts she baked in her mint-colored 1950s oven and a couple of restraining orders from ex-boyfriends, this would be the Swiftiest picture ever.

It seems like every single day, Taylor Swift’s Vintage Barbie-looking ass is always taking a stroll in front of the paps from the front door of her Manhattan apartment building to an SUV. When you’ve seen one set of pictures of Tay Tay dressed like Ann Taylor’s answer to Betty Draper or a pre-Goth panda Jenny Humphrey from Gossip Girl, you’ve seen them all. Taylor knows this, so during yesterday’s choreographed and staged photo-op stroll, she brought along an adorable guest star: her pussy Olivia Benson! Olivia Benson looks so confused and something tells me that isn’t the first time a pussy has been perplexed by something Taylor’s hand is doing. (That “joke” that just soared over your head was supposed to be a fap joke. The 10 gallons of coffee I inhaled obviously haven’t yet hit the pile of mashed neurons I call a brain.)

Watching a person hold a cat friend like it’s a dog friend is like watching a power bottom get boned by two 10 inch peens in a porn. It seems complicated, almost impossible and you assume that a lot of drugs were involved.

My mom has a cat who lets ANYONE (even strangers) hold him like he’s a dog. But that cat also loves chips and El Pollo Loco, so he’s a freak of nature. Olivia Benson and my mom’s cat must be cut from the same bizarre cloth. I am disappointed, though. While going through these pictures, I hoped that my eyes would land on a picture of Olivia Benson tearing Tay Tay’s wannabe Cher Horowitz outfit to shreds after getting spooked by the paps. Next time, Olivia Benson. Next time.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Taylor Swift Hates Katy Perry Because She Hooked Up With John Mayer And “Stole” Her Backup Dancers

September 10, 2014 / Posted by:

More details continue to surface regarding the petty 7th grade girl feud between human cellophane-wrapped hard candy Taylor Swift and the Forever 21 version of Jane Lane Katy Perry. According to Page Six, things turned to shit between Kay Kay and Tay Tay when an actual bag of shit came between them, ie. noted shitbag John Mayer. Taylor and John dated back in 2010 when Tay Tay was 19 and John was 32, but he broke up with her to pursue other pussies. This made Tay Tay cry and write “Dear John”, which basically called him a sleazy dirtbag for unwrapping her 19-year-old butterscotch candy.

But this also made John cry, claiming that being dragged in a song by Tay Tay was “really humiliating” and called her a cheap songwriter. When Katy hooked up with John in 2012, sources claim Kay Kay starting making cunty remarks about Tay Tay as retribution. This made Tay Tay pull out her burn book and call Kay Kay a two-faced fugly slut for hooking up with one of her many Aaron Samuels. I mean, she was half a virgin when she met him!

»

Katy Perry Responds To The Rumor That She’s Taylor Swift’s Regina George

September 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.

Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:

Screen Shot 2014-09-09 at 6.14.58 AM

I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.

So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.

Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!

Taylor Swift Has A Regina George In Her Life And – SHOCKER – She Wrote A Song About Her

September 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Come-to-life butterscotch sundae Taylor Swift admitted during an interview with Rolling Stone (via UsWeekly) that there’s a song on her new album 1989 called “Bad Blood”, and it’s not a Weird Al-style parody of the final season of True Blood. Taylor confessed that it’s about a shady A-list showbiz bitch who pretended to be her friend for years while secretly doing her dirty behind her back. Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae doesn’t name-names (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR!) but she does sort-of give clues, not that we really needed any. Ah, Taylor – no matter how old she gets, she’ll always be a drama-loving middle-school Mean Girl at heart:

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life? [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

I hate conflict” is the basic bitch equivalent to “I hate drama“. Taylor LOVES conflict! Literally every song this human sugar cookie writes is about a break-up or the haters or breaking-up with the haters. And yet she won’t say who she’s talking about. Ugh, there’s nothing I hate more than a trick who gives you gossip blue-balls! Just say who it is, Taylor! You’ve already spilled half the T – you wrote a damn song about it! Drop the bag! Her name rhymes with “Schmaty Schmerry“, just say it! Tea bag us with that name, Taylor! Wait, that didn’t sound right.

But if it’s not who I think it is and I had to guess who the two-faced jealous hag hurting Taylor’s feelings was, it’s probably that shady bitch Nerdy Natalie. Watch your back, Natalie – Meredith and Olivia Benson have your number!

Here’s Taylor “Shhhh” Swift serving up some strawberry-scented G-rated From Here To Eternity realness in Rolling Stone:

Good Morning, Let’s All Stare At Taylor Swift’s Snatch Zone Together…

August 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Since Taylor Swift is trying to be a total pop star now and pop stars are allergic to pants, she showed up to the MTV VMAs yesterday in a weird ass romper onesie thing that made it look like her Raspberry Tart was queefing up the alphabet. It looks like her pussy was screaming out a Harry Potter spell.

When pictures of Tay Tay’s error 404 ass hanging out of that onesie came out yesterday, I spent way too much trying to crack the code over her coochie wedgie. The letter “V” stamped on her vagine is an elegant touch, but I really don’t want to spend my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or any other day staring at her down low apple orchard and searching for her camel toe. “Searching For Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe” sounds like the most terrifying horror movie of all time.

Some whores on Twitter and Tumblr said that Tay Tay’s onesie looked like something their baby would wear. Okay, what in the hell kind of GD baby would wear that shit? That mess looks more like the modest swimsuit that a rebellious muslim would wear when she wants to rebel by showing some skin but doesn’t want to go too crazy.

And if you missed Tay Tay thinking she’s Roxie Hart during her VMAs performance of that “Shake It Off” song, click here to watch it. Below is Taylor’s “isolated vocals” from her performance courtesy of Deadspin. If you don’t want your neighbors to call the ASPCA to report a raccoon getting strangled in your house, listen to it with the volume all the way down.

If there was one time when the ears of humanity needed Kanye to snatch the mic away from Taylor, it was last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Country Music Says “Bye Bitch” To Taylor Swift

August 18, 2014 / Posted by:

All together now: “But when was that bitch ever country?”

Country Music packed up all of Taylor Swift’s shit and put it on the curb today after she released the first single called “Shake It Off” from her first all-pop album called “1989,”which comes out in October. Taylor of Green Gables didn’t have to smear her porcelain skin with SPF 5,000 today, because The Country Music Association threw a little shade her way with this tweet (which they later deleted, -10 shade points for them):

Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo

Translation: “Don’t come crawling back to us, whore!”

Tay Tay queefed out her new song and video at some Yahoo! event today. Her new song sounds like a cross between a song that Avril Lavigne wrote in 2008 for a Pixar movie and a Jackson 5 b-side that the label rejected for being “too sweet.” At times, Taylor Swift even sounds like a young Michael Jackson with laryngitis. And the video. Well, if that still tells you anything…. This mess will make you cringe until your face muscles give out:

And that’s what you get when a commercial for The Gap and a Mickey Mouse Club skit circa 1995 lick up Miley Cyrus’ tongue skank before simultaneously barfing on the background of The Cosby Show intro.

That being said, I’m sure it’s already the #1 requested song at every spin class and thousands of people have already gone to the ER to beg doctors to please get that shit out of their heads.

And at least she didn’t write about an ex-boyfriend this time. I think.

SHARE

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >