Of course Taylor Swift was not going to let that dancer-stealing trollop Katy Perry get the last incoherent word in.
Last week, Katy Perry tossed a chopped word salad (with a side of HUH? dressing) at Taylor Swift after Taylor Swift told Nicki Minaj that pitting women against each other is very unlike her. Katy Perry said in so many garbled words that Taylor was being a hypocrite since “Bad Blood” is about their ongoing feud. Well, Taylor later apologized to Nicki, but didn’t say anything about what Katy Perry tweeted. But why would Tay Tay respond with words when she can respond with an onstage stunt?
As Vulture points out, while Tay Tay was onstage yodeling out “Bad Blood” during a show in Foxborough, Massachusetts over the weekend, a Dollar Tree Left Shark made a quick 3-second appearance. Apparently, the dude in the Left Shark costume is one of her back-up dancers and during every show, he pops up while wearing a costume. He dressed up as a lobster the night before. But you know Taylor told him to wear that Left Shark costume, because that shifty little corn husk doll will never miss out on an opportunity to troll her arch rival!!
— Jillian (@Swifty448) July 27, 2015
Since I’m a bitchy tween girl trapped in the body of a skinny fat gay blogger, I laughed for a second. But really, I can’t wait to see which one of them pours a bucket of pig’s blood on the other one at the big junior high school dance (aka the MTV VMAs).
Nicki Minaj performed on Good Morning America as part of their summer concert series today and I’m actually surprised that they let her perform. I figured that they’d cancel her performance and instead devote every hour of the show to interviewing her about the TWITTER FIGHT OF THE MILLENNIUM between her and Taylor Swift. But animatronic morning show robot Lara Spencer only spent a few minutes talking about the junior high school cafeteria fight.
Nicki said a few words about why she thought it was weird that “Anaconda” didn’t get a Video of the Year nomination at the MTV VMAs and then she said that she and Taylor had a little talk about it. Taylor already tweeted out an apology that was definitely not co-written by her publicists and lawyers. Nicki said on GMA that they talked on the phone and that conversation didn’t end with one of them saying, “Bitch, meet me behind the gym at recess.”
“First of all, I spoke to Taylor Swift yesterday on the phone. So she was super, super sweet and she apologized. She said, ‘You know look, I didn’t understand the big picture of what you were saying, but now I get it.’ So we’re all good.”
Sweet, naive, question asker Lara Spencer asked Nicki if there’s a chance they’ll collaborate again. DUH Lara. What is the point of having a stupid feud on Twitter if you’re not going to turn that stupid feud into $$$$$ by doing a song about it together?
“I’m sure we can. You know why? Because it takes a big person to do what Taylor did and everyone sometimes speaks out of turn. I’ve been there. Sometimes we do things and we don’t think right away or we don’t investigate and we just talk. So it was big of her to come out and say that. Yes, we spoke for a long time. We were cracking up laughing on the phone. It’s over, you guys.”
Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end. You will not spend another sleepless night tossing and turning while wondering when Nicki and Tay Tay are going to kiss and make up. You can finally shut your eyelids and sleep….. until Taylor thinks that Nicki called her fat with that “big person” comment and starts back up again.
While Nicki Minaj explained on Instagram that the shit she said about the MTV VMA nominations wasn’t about Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry tried to slap down Tay with a tweet that read like it was written by a drunk spambot with untreated Dyslexia, Ed Sheeran came to the defense of the singing prairie scarecrow.
Ed, who I guess is the reverse Anybodys of Tay Tay’s all-girl gang, tells Australia’s The Daily Telegraph that Taylor is not in the wrong at all and Nicki doesn’t know what she’s talking about since Beyonce, who is not built like a tetherball pole, was nominated for Video of the Year. Here’s Ed trying to get enough gold stars from Tay to move up ranks in her squad:
“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”
BUT WAIT! Ed tweeted to Buzzfeed UK that what The Daily Telegraph posted is not really what he meant.
“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.”
I took Ed’s first statement as: “Listen, I want her to fuck me one day, so I’m just going to back her up no matter what.” I took Ed’s second statement as: “Shit, they’re turning on me now. ABORT! ABORT!”
But I still expect the other members of Tay Tay’s mob to jump into the ring for her ass. Lena Dunham will write an 8,000 word think piece where she’ll only talk about the Nicki and Taylor thing for a couple of paragraphs before going on and on about the time she fucked herself with a remote control while watching Hoobastank perform at the ’04 VMAs. Jaime King will prove her allegiance to Taylor by naming her son Nick E. Ismeen. And Lourde won’t do anything public. She’ll just cast a black magic spell against Nicki and Katy in her lair in a Hot Topic storage room.
UPDATE: Taylor tweeted an apology to Nicki today. I guess she finally let someone in her PR team take over:
I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki. @NICKIMINAJ
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015
Aaaaand Nicki forgave her:
That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13 ❤️❤️❤️
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
But right after Nicki hugged Taylor, she went over to Katy and hugged her while whispering the words, “I hate that bitch too,” in her ear.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
“What is everyone looking at? Why isn’t everyone paying attention to me?” – Taylor Swift, as always
In case you haven’t been following the most important news of the year, if not century, Nicki Minaj tweeted out a bunch of words on Twitter last night about “Anaconda” getting snubbed (reminder: all of this drama over the fucking VMAs), body image and racism in the music industry. At one point, the human Nermal, Taylor Swift, thought Nicki was talking about her and injected herself into it. Taylor thought it was very unlike Nicki to pit women against women. A field of side-eyes hit Taylor over that tweet since “Bad Blood” is obviously about how she hates Katy Perry, because Katy Perry stole one of her dancers or something dumb like that. Well, Katy Perry decided to jump on in and give us the sequel to her “Regina George in sheep’s clothing tweet” by squirting out this tweet that nearly melted my brain:
Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman…
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 22, 2015
I know this is rich coming from me, but WUT? Katy was also in a feud with punctuation and sense when she wrote that shit. What Katy Perry is trying to say is that Taylor is accusing someone of “pitting women against women” while she counts all the cash she made from a song that takes down another woman. I’m sure Tay Tay will subtweet a response as soon as she comes up with something other than, “Ewww, shut up, you have cankles.”
But really, the only two things missing from this “feud” are Courtney Love and a flying compact. She’ll shut this shit down. Or make it worse. Either or.
Someone has to take the nominations for the MTV VMAs seriously and I guess Nicki Minaj is that someone. The MTV VMA nominations were announced today and even though “Anaconda” got two nominations, Nicki is pissed that it didn’t get a nomination for Video of the Year. She’s also wondering why “Feeling Myself“ got a total of zero nominations. Nicki had a lot of thoughts about her getting snubbed by MTV. It’s just the VMAs! This is like an actor complaining about not getting a People’s Choice Award nomination. (Anne Hathaway would totally do that.)
Nicki believes that “Anaconda” was snubbed in the Video of the Year category, because she thinks that you couldn’t open your eyes without seeing her Jell-O jiggle ass in that video. Nicki thinks it’s a cultural phenomenon and deserves a VOTY nomination more than some of the other videos nominated. Nicki is sick of black women giving so much to pop culture and not getting the awards they deserve. Nicki said that if “Anaconda” was filled with skinny bodies, then it probably would’ve gotten a nomination. And that was Taylor Swift’s cue to pop in, because she felt like Nicki was talking about the supermodel flip book known as the “Bad Blood” video, which was nominated for Video of the Year. Tay Tay truly has a gift for making everything about her. The tweets are after the jump and a little warning, there’s also an appearance by Kim Kartrashian:
36-year-old Jaime King, the sometime actress and full-time den mother to Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie girl gang of teenagers and 20-something fetuses, gave birth to a baby boy who will probably be known as “OHMYGODYOURETAYLORSWIFTSGODCHILD” for a while. Jaime’s second kid was pulled out of her body on July 16th, but she announced the birth of Taylor’s godson on Instagram today. Jaime posted that weird picture along with this caption:
We are SO happy to welcome to the world our new baby boy! Born Thursday, July 16th! Xx
Yup, they all look pretty happy about it. Jaime gazes at her 39-year-old husband Kyle Newman while he plays a thrilling game of Candy Crush and her other son James pretends like his world is riveted by whatever he’s holding because he really doesn’t want to hear his mom go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again. That bizarre picture is also some Where’s Waldo shit, because I had to squint my eyes and rotate my head to find her new kid in that picture. I still don’t know. Is baby suckling on her tete or is hiding under that pile of blankets while holding his ears because he too is afraid his mom is going to go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again.
Jaime and Kyle haven’t said what they named their son, because you can’t give it all away in one Instagram post. But it’s not hard to figure out. It’s either going to be Taylor, Taylor Jr., Tay, Rolyat, 1989 or TIG (short for Taylor Is God). Speaking of, if there is a God and that God’s drug is watching Taylor Swift scream internally, then her godson’s first words will be, “I love Katy Perry.”
Calvin Harris just got summoned into the sugar cookie decorating/detention room and was slapped on the wrist by Taylor Swift’s PR team for using a word two letters off from “insane.” Calvin, how many times do they have to tell you? They’re trying to move away from the crazy obsessed girlfriend angle!
Taylor Swift’s current boyfriend/subject of a future #1 break-up single did an interview with KISS FM UK on Friday (via Daily Mail), and he got all gabby about his Butterscotch Belle. Calvin’s doctor might want to check his publicity chatter settings, because Taylor clearly set them a little too close to George Clooney talking about Amal.
“It’s going absolutely fantastic. It’s interesting because obviously there’s different things written about it every day and even if we don’t do anything publicly for a while, someone will make something up. For me it could be a lot worse and I’d still be like insanely happy with her so I’m good with it.”
First smiling through Tay Tay’s Fourth of July PDA-fest, now this? Someone deserves a nice little boyfriend bonus. He also stroked Taylor’s massive ego by mentioning that people can’t stop talking about them, because they’re basically the most popular couple at Life High.
“It does get more and more ridiculous, from me apparently being allergic to cats, or Taylor and I are moving in together, or we’re getting married next week. It’s a lot, but you’ve just got to take it how it is which is that it’s a news story that people read but it’s just not real life. Then on the other hand, real life is happening. There’s a whole bunch of times where we’ve been hanging out and nobody’s clocked it. It’s not like every single time we go out, we get a photograph taken of us.”
If I were a pap, now would be the time I’d run for cover and mentally psych myself up for the angry phone call I’m about to receive from Taylor Swift. “What do you MEAN there have been times I’ve gone out and nobody has taken my picture?!?”
On Friday night, Taylor Swift picked four members of her famous girlfriend collection and let them march out on stage with her during a show in New Jersey. To prove that she wasn’t playing favorites, because the last thing Tay Tay wants is a gangly-limbed jealous girlfight back stage, one of the four was Lena Dunham. Or as the other three refer to her, “that short girl in flats that I’m trying desperately not to look at.” Lena Dunham has always seemed like the strangest friend in Tay Tay’s collection, because she’s not a six-foot-tall model with the face and hair of a Homecoming Queen Skipper doll. And apparently Lena Dunham didn’t realize how awkward it looked when she stood next to Taylor and the rest of the Debbies until she saw the picture. Lena described it during a talk with the Film Society of Lincoln Center on Monday night:
“I shan’t be walking that runway again. I was so thrilled to support my friend and so displeased to learn about the truth of my own height. I’ve been feeling pretty tall, feeling pretty sturdy, and it was amazing to me, like, ‘Oh, I’m not tall, I’m chubby.’ It’s different. But I mean, on most days, I feel really great and fine about my body, but I don’t think standing next to, like, three supermodels or so is anything even the most confident woman needs to do. And when I socialize with those women, which I’ve done a little bit, because they’re good friends of Taylor’s, who is a good friend of mine, I don’t feel so strange. But the minute I caught sight of myself in the Jumbotron, I knew something was very wrong.”
Lena added that shortly after Tay Tay threw up the picture to Instragram, she started receiving texts from her other non-Taylor friends saying: “I just want you to know you’re beautiful.” Those shady bitches. That’s such a Mimi-Rose Howard thing to say.
I wonder if Lena will use this experience and write about standing on stage with Tay Tay and her tall-ass friends for her upcoming GOOP-ish newsletter, Lenny. I can practically see the headline now. “Almost Staring Into The Eye Of The Camel Toe by Lena Dunham.”
During a recent interview with American Baby magazine (via People), Jaime King confessed that not everybody is pointing at her currently-pregnant stomach and smiling. Some people are pointing at her stomach, then pointing at the rest of her body, then wondering out loud if the baby living insider her is getting enough to eat in there. And Jaime King isn’t having any of it.
“People have made comments about how I’m too thin and need to eat a sandwich. I’ve seen it happen with other pregnant women in this business too — we’re either too thin or put on too much weight. All that matters is that you’re taking care of the nutrition for yourself and your child.”
Obviously nobody but Jaime’s baby knows if she’s eating right, so until the baby kicks a Morse code message that says “I’m hungry, send a turkey on rye“, those unsolicited sandwich hustlers might want to take a seat.
Jaime doesn’t name any of her sandwich pushers, but I bet one was Jaime’s baby’s Godmother, Taylor Swift. “Jaime, have you eaten a cucumber and cream cheese finger sandwich today? I want your baby to develop a taste for them in utero to prepare it for the millions of tea parties we’ll host together!” Speaking of both skinny types and Taylor Swift, Taylor performed a show in New Jersey last night and brought a bunch of her model friends on stage with her. And also Lena Dunham, who clearly didn’t get the memo about dressing like the member of a slutty superhero motorcycle gang.
She also managed to add to her famous girlfriend crew by pulling the entire US Women’s Soccer Team on stage. Taylor Swift has now collected more famous friends than the population of a small country.
Here’s the oldest member of Taylor Swift’s famous girlfriends crew doing the pap stroll with the youngest member, 15-year-old Joey King, last month in Beverly Hills.
Last year around this time, Taylor “Don’t Call Me A Desperate Clinger” Swift (seen above quite literally desperately clinging to current boyfriend Calvin Harris) celebrated the Fourth of July with a small collection of her closest famous girl friends, because her management team was going for a sort-of “me & my gals” friendship vibe. But this year, it looks like her management team OK’d her request to make it all about her new boyfriend.
Yesterday, Calvin Harris Instagrammed the first picture from Tay Tay’s Independence Day Spectacular, and today we have the rest. Just like the last time Taylor threw a party with her famous girl crew, it’s a real “Oh say can you see…ME!” celebration. If pictures from Taylor Swift’s Gathering of the Butterscotch parties were a drinking game, we’d all be halfway to hammered right now. Take a shot if Taylor Swift and her friends post a picture of them jumping in the air. Take another shot if she’s making a mouth-open surprised face while she’s doing it. Chug your drink every time she looks like she’s auditioning for an Ann Taylor LOFT-sponsored remake of Gidget.
If you’re expecting to see Tay Tay digging in to a Cool Whip flag cake or taking a selfie with some sparklers, you’ve come to the wrong Fourth of July party. Tay Tay is rich, so her Fourth of July is nothing like a regular person’s Fourth of July. Instead, it’s more like what I imagine the 10th birthday party for Uncle Sam’s spoiled daughter would look like. Taylor filled her pool with giant inflatable swans and rented some sort of red, white, and blue floating super slide to match their red, white, and blue beach towels. Then she forced all her friends to put on American flag onesies and take cutesy slumber party pictures. Now that I think of it, that Cool Whip flag cake would have fit in perfectly.