That Saturday Night Live skit spoke the damn truth. Everybody from your racist auntie to your grandma lives, breathes, eats, snorts, injects, butt chugs and inhales Adele, because pretty much everybody bought her new album. If you didn’t buy it, you probably feel the same way I felt on the first day of the 3rd grade when every brat showed up with British Knights on their feet and I showed up with generic brand Vans. Billboard says that *NSYNC’s 2000 album No Strings Attached used to hold the single week sales record until Adele came along and slapped the curl right out of Justin Timberlake’s glorious caramel popcorn hair. Adele beat the record in a little over 3 days.
Seen above looking like she’s pondering the meaning of life while taking a post-shower caca (and yes, if she recorded her post-shower caca noises, it’d go straight to #1 on all the charts), Adele did a cover interview with Rolling Stone where she talks about being a mom, squads, her love of RiRi and how she regrets working with Damon Albarn of Blur after he publicly called her ass “insecure” and said her new stuff is “middle of the road.” I’ve thrown up some choice quotes after the cut, but you can read the entire thing here. It’s pretty charming, so if you’re an Adeleloonie, you’ll want to marry it and then heartlessly break up with it the next day so you can squirt out tears while listening to that “Hello” song for the billionth time.
To be clear, the “this” I’m referring to is Taylor Swift singing with Idina Menzel, not Taylor Swift dressed up in a Disney character costume. I doubt that’s new. I’m sure Tay Tay has a whole dress-up trunk filled with Disney Store costumes that gets hauled out at every Sugar Cookie Squad sleepover.
For a while there, Taylor’s “Please welcome to the stage” game was getting a little random (I’m looking at you, Mick Jagger’s people), and I was afraid she was going to run out of famous friends and start welcoming a bunch of non-famous friends to the stage. Like her car mechanic, or the person who releases the woodland animals into her bedroom every morning so she can recreate Sandy’s part of the Grease opening credits. But at Tay Tay’s final show in the U.S. last night, she decided to make a million little girl dreams come true by “Please welcome to the stage“-ing the voice of Elsa from Frozen to sing “Let It Go“.
See, Adele Dazeem makes sense! First of all, Tay Tay is a die-hard theater kid trapped in the body of a…well, a very lanky theater kid. Second, Tay Tay is pretty much the real-life version of Elsa (blonde, always singing, able to freeze people out). Plus, you know Taylor Swift is the only person left on Earth who isn’t totally sick of “Let It Go” by now.
The only downside is that Tay Tay now has to live with the realization that she just pissed off all the little girls who went to her shows in Los Angeles. “Wait, they got Elsa, and we got Joey from Friends? NOT FAIR!“
David Mueller skyrocketed to the top of the Swifty’s Arch Rivals list, above Katy Perry and Gandalf, when he sued Taylor Swift for wrongly accusing him of molesting her backstage at one of her shows in Denver, CO in June 2013. David, who co-hosted a morning show on KYGO, and his girlfriend posed with Taylor during a meet-and-greet, and he was later kicked out of the arena by security who accused his hand of paying an unwanted visit to Tay’s ass. David was fired from his radio job two days later. David dropped a lawsuit in Taylor’s lap last month, because he says she accused the wrong perv and claims her people pressured KYGO to show him the exit door. David said that his boss at KYGO, Eddie Haskell (Why that little fuckwad Eddie Haskell!), is the one who groped Taylor. Taylor’s lawyers continue to be the hardest-working workers in the legal game, because they have hit David back with a lawsuit.
People reports that in the lawsuit, which was filed yesterday in Denver, she says that she knows who exactly touched her wrong and isn’t getting it twisted. She claims that David lifted her skirt and grabbed her without permission. Taylor was shocked and told her photographer, tour manager and security team about it. Taylor wants a jury trial and if she wins any money from David Mueller, she will donate it to “charitable organizations dedicated to protecting women from similar acts of sexual assault and personal disregard.”
“Ms. Swift knows exactly who committed the assault – it was Mueller – and she is not confused in the slightest about whether her long-term business acquaintance, Mr. Haskell, was the culprit. Resolution of this Counterclaim will demonstrate that Mueller alone was the perpetrator of the humiliating and wrongful conduct targeted against Ms. Swift, and will serve as an example to other women who may resist publicly reliving similar outrageous and humiliating acts.
Mueller did not merely brush his hand against Ms. Swift while posing for the photograph. He lifted her skirt and groped her.”
If David Mueller did do it, then he’s done. Hell hath no fury like a pop star with a legal army scorned. Taylor will sue his pants off. Actually, he may be into that. She’ll sue his hand off. And I wonder if David Mueller is going to call the ghost of Mrs. Cleaver as a character witness?
Taylor Swift is going to need a longer butt tunnel, because Ryan Adams has somehow managed to shove himself even deeper up into her ass.
Ryan Adams is pretty much the Kanye West to Taylor Swift’s Beyonce. Most of us figured out that Ryan is a hardcore Swifty when he released a cover album of “1989.” But his obsession is worse than I thought and it’s obvious that huffing in all those plastic fumes while making Easy Bake Oven strawberry tarts with Taylor Swift messed up his head. Ryan did an interview with The Guardian where he took us inside the mind of a Swifty who thinks she’s the sun, moon and all of the stars.
Adele could fart into a tape recorder and release it as a song, and millions of people would still buy it and would silently weep to themselves while listening to it. So it’s not exactly a major shock that her new song “Hello” has already said, “Goodbye,” to the other songs on the charts and is shattering records left and right. Dear music industry, Adele is your lord and savior now and at dinner tonight, bow your heads and thank your new god for putting food on your table! Here’s the records Adele’s “Hello” has already broken:
– In just the US alone, “Hello” has sold 450,000 downloads in 48 hours. It sold 118,000 in the UK in the same amount of time. Adele’s biggest-selling single before “Hello” was “Rolling in the Deep,” which sold 353,000 in 7 days. Flo Rida’s “Right Round” holds the record for the most downloads in one week with 636,000. So Adele is probably going to take him down.
– “Hello” was played a little less than 5 million times on Spotify in just 24 hours, making her the new Queen Bitch of Spotify.
– The video broke the 24-hour Vevo record after it was watched 27 million times in just one day. Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” video used to hold the record with 20.1 million views. So deep in her craft room, Tay Tay just dropped her Katy Perry voodoo doll and started knitting an Adele voodoo doll.
– Sales of old flip phones jumped up 6,000% after that video premiered.
Okay, I made that last one up, but I’m sure it’s completely true. Speaking of that, the video’s director Xavier Dolan, who also directed the cinematic nightmare Mommy, told People why he decided to make Adele and Dixon from 90210 use a flip phone.
“It’s just not that big of a deal. It makes me uncomfortable filming iPhones because I feel like I’m shooting an iPhone commercial. And the same thing stands for cars: Drive them! Buy them! But on film, they’re distracting to me. They’re elements that you identify to our reality so much that – whether it’s a short film, a film, a music video – they just hurt the piece’s sensibility and reality, and it’s not as romantic.”
Xavier Dolan should’ve taken it all the way and made Adele and Dixon use soup cans attached together with a string. But really, I figured that Motorola had a bunch of back stock of old flip phones and paid Adele to use one in her video, because they knew they’d sell out thanks to her power! It’s working, because that video makes me want to buy an old StarTAC. I mean, that moment when you call your ex to apologize for being a cunt is just not the same if you don’t dramatically flip your phone closed after getting his voicemail.
The pineapple mullet hair on top of the head of The Weeknd (government name: Abel Makkonen Tesfaye) is apparently Internet famous and there’s Tumblr’s devoted to it and shit. During an interview with Rolling Stone, The Weeknd (Side note: My spell check just loves his stage name.) explained that four years ago, he decided to let his hair grow however it wants to grow and he’ll only cut it if it gets in his eyes. That led to him telling a weird story about his most bizarre encounter with a celebrity and of course that celebrity was Taylor Swift.
In GQ’s annual Eye Roll Issue, the human version of Nermal from Garfield talks about all sorts of shit including how “Bad Blood” isn’t about Katy Perry and how she hates when people think she’s calculating. That’s such a calculating thing for a calculating person to say! There’s also a little story she tells about the days when she wasn’t the popular Homecoming Queen of Celebrity High. When Taylor was younger and not famous, she invited a bunch of girls to the mall and they all said they had something else to do. So Taylor’s mom took her and when they strolled through the mall, she found all those girls shopping at Victoria’s Secret. I really hope that Taylor tracked down those girls who rejected her and went to their house one by one with her Victoria’s Secret model friends to say, “Big mistake! Big! HUGE!”
Sadly, it doesn’t seem like we’re going to get Taylor Swift break-up songs titled “No More Happy Endings” and “Tugging My Heart Strings Raw,” because her rep has rubbed out the rumor that Insufferable Barbie and Ken are over.
Over the weekend, Radar said that Taylor dumped Calvin into the dumpster marked “Taylor’s Ex-Boyfriends,” because he got caught leaving a massage place that is reportedly known for jerking the peen during a rubdown. (Gawker trolled rub and tug review sites and determined that if you’re looking for a prostate massage and a hand job, don’t go to the place where Calvin went, because they don’t do that kind of thing there.)
A source tells People that they’re still together and they’re still spending their hot Friday nights playing with her pussies. No, of course, I don’t mean that in a sex way. I don’t think they do that. I mean that they dress her cats up in bonnets and reenact scenes from Little House on the Prairie. Taylor’s rep Tree Paine also denied Radar’s story on Twitter. Yes, I know the real story here is that there’s a human on earth named Tree Paine. Tree Paine sounds like the name T-Pain’s parents gave him at birth, which is why he goes by T-Pain.
And Calvin took a page out of Taylor’s book on How To Deal With Everything by threatening to sue Radar and any other gossiping bitch who says that he loves a little and rub and tug.
It's not going to be a 'happy ending' for everyone I sue for defamation of character for all these bullshit stories bye bye
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) October 12, 2015
The “bye bye” really makes that threat extra hard and extra badass. You know a bitch is serious when they end their threat with a “bye bye.” But damn, Calvin got his dick skin in a twist over that story. If only there was a place that could rub out that knot for him…..
Goopy Paltrow was honored at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon (or as she calls it, “Variety’s Power of Gwyneth Paltrow…And Some Other Women Too, Whatever” luncheon) on Friday and while talking to reporters on the red carpet, she turned herself into distilled organic steam and blew herself up into Taylor Swift’s b-hole. According to People, Goopy said that her 11-year-old daughter Apple Martin is a big Taylor Swift fan and she approves, because Taylor of Sunnybrook Farm is a serious businesswoman, a songwriter and doesn’t show up to events nipples-out naked. Yes, Goopy hated on naked chicks on the red carpet at a female empowerment event.
“She loves Taylor Swift, and for me, that’s such a great sign. Taylor is a girl who’s incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She’s not naked on the red carpet. She’s an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can’t go wrong.
I really think that that generation is going to do something very special. Those girls, they are so in their power. They are absolutely shameless in terms of their femininity, and I think we’re on the verge of something really exciting.”
Okay, but besides my idol Micaela Schaefer, who in the hell shows up to events completely naked? I wish many of those famous types showed up completely naked, because it would probably be more pleasing to the eyes than the ugly shit they wear. But seriously, Goopy self-shaded herself with that comment. I mean, we all got a good view of her nipple knobs when she showed up to the Oscars looking like a frumpy goth Heidi and a couple of years ago she told us she had to shave off her Goop fur to wear an elegant see-through gown. Oh, Goop, I see you sitting next to a pile of freshly polished marble stones imported from Italy in your 15,000 square foot Baccarat glass house.
Here’s a bunch of pictures from Variety’s luncheon thing including some of a lube-faced Goopy looking like a cocktail waitress at a Pope-themed club.