Since Taylor Swift is trying to be a total pop star now and pop stars are allergic to pants, she showed up to the MTV VMAs yesterday in a weird ass romper onesie thing that made it look like her Raspberry Tart was queefing up the alphabet. It looks like her pussy was screaming out a Harry Potter spell.
When pictures of Tay Tay’s error 404 ass hanging out of that onesie came out yesterday, I spent way too much trying to crack the code over her coochie wedgie. The letter “V” stamped on her vagine is an elegant touch, but I really don’t want to spend my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or any other day staring at her down low apple orchard and searching for her camel toe. “Searching For Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe” sounds like the most terrifying horror movie of all time.
Some whores on Twitter and Tumblr said that Tay Tay’s onesie looked like something their baby would wear. Okay, what in the hell kind of GD baby would wear that shit? That mess looks more like the modest swimsuit that a rebellious muslim would wear when she wants to rebel by showing some skin but doesn’t want to go too crazy.
And if you missed Tay Tay thinking she’s Roxie Hart during her VMAs performance of that “Shake It Off” song, click here to watch it. Below is Taylor’s “isolated vocals” from her performance courtesy of Deadspin. If you don’t want your neighbors to call the ASPCA to report a raccoon getting strangled in your house, listen to it with the volume all the way down.
If there was one time when the ears of humanity needed Kanye to snatch the mic away from Taylor, it was last night.
All together now: “But when was that bitch ever country?”
Country Music packed up all of Taylor Swift’s shit and put it on the curb today after she released the first single called “Shake It Off” from her first all-pop album called “1989,”which comes out in October. Taylor of Green Gables didn’t have to smear her porcelain skin with SPF 5,000 today, because The Country Music Association threw a little shade her way with this tweet (which they later deleted, -10 shade points for them):
Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo
Translation: “Don’t come crawling back to us, whore!”
Tay Tay queefed out her new song and video at some Yahoo! event today. Her new song sounds like a cross between a song that Avril Lavigne wrote in 2008 for a Pixar movie and a Jackson 5 b-side that the label rejected for being “too sweet.” At times, Taylor Swift even sounds like a young Michael Jackson with laryngitis. And the video. Well, if that still tells you anything…. This mess will make you cringe until your face muscles give out:
And that’s what you get when a commercial for The Gap and a Mickey Mouse Club skit circa 1995 lick up Miley Cyrus’ tongue skank before simultaneously barfing on the background of The Cosby Show intro.
That being said, I’m sure it’s already the #1 requested song at every spin class and thousands of people have already gone to the ER to beg doctors to please get that shit out of their heads.
And at least she didn’t write about an ex-boyfriend this time. I think.
Since Taylor Swift the Singer is still trying to make Taylor Swift the Actress happen (first seen in the long-running performance piece, A Beard For All Seasons), she appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon for that “Ew!” sketch that will never, ever die. As always, Jimmy Fallon was stuffed into some low-budget Lizzie McGuire drag to portray the long-lost 5th member of the Teen Girl Squad, Sara, who introduced her mom’s friend’s nerdy daughter Natalie. Except to call Taylor as Natalie “nerdy” is an understatement: it’s like Violet Anne Bickerstaff’s severely socially awkward half-sister got thrown into the gene-splicing machine from The Fly with Gretchen Grundler, an asthma inhaler, and Rita from Arrested Development. The only thing missing is a pair of elastic-ankle sweatpants (a true nerd would NEVER be caught dead in a pair of taupe leggings, Taylor), and maybe a couple more scrunchies? She only had like, what, 6?
I know Taylor is going for the whole “I’m not a model, I just live with one” thing, but I actually like Natalie a million times more than Taylor. Here’s what I know about Natalie: she has a bandaid collection (weird), she builds popsicle stick castles (awesome), she wears shirts on shirts on shirts (why not?), and bitch loves accessories. And here’s what I know about Taylor: she reminds me of Special K cereal. Natalie wins!
Here’s more of Nerdy Natalie’s boring alter ego, Take-A-Nap Taylor, on her way home from The Tonight Show last night.
I haven’t read “The Giver” since I was in the fourth grade (and even then, I probably just skimmed through it enough to have a vague understanding of the story, then went back to reading Betty and Veronica vs. That Slut Bitch Cheryl Blossom for the 1,384th time that week) but I don’t remember the color red being a thing. Cut to the worn-out copy of ”The Giver” on my bookcase, hissing: “IT’S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THEME IN THE NOVEL, YOU ILLITERATE TWAT!”
All I can remember is that “The Giver” was set in some black-and-white dystopia world where people couldn’t remember what hamburgers tasted like and they forgot what a lion was (that’s definitely a part in it, I’m sure) and that an old dude called The Giver gave you memories and shit. It was basically The Hunger Games dry humped The Notebook.
Anyways, either red is a very important aspect of that book that I’m forgetting since my brain is 99.9999% memories of Shark Bites Fruit Snacks commercials, or everyone just decided to dress up like their favorite shade of lipstick, because why the hell not. Every single ho who walked the red carpet at the NYC premiere of The Giver looking like a swatch from a CoverGirl collection called “Soft Romance”. Katie Holmes wore a dress in light pink (Xenu Blush, I believe), Odeya Rush wore a gown in Aspiring KStew Rose, Taylor Swift wore a dress in Republican Princess Red on top and Unsweetened Oatmeal on the bottom, and Meryl Streep wore pants, because Meryl Streep was entered the “Fuck Spanx” part of her life. Meryl Streep is smart. Oh, and she also wore red, because I believe you would have been turned away at the door if you didn’t.
Yesterday, Taylor Swift was at the Teens Make Terrible Choices Awards (see pictures below) looking like a Tampa, FL waitress at a Beach Blanket Bingo-themed knitting store/juice bar who smears a mixture of Vaseline and Crisco on her skin before she sunbathes on the driveway of her carport and got the same haircut my mom got in 1982 when she told the haircutter at the JcPenney salon to give her “Jane Fonda in Klute.” And while Taylor Swift and her pushed-up tit pies were at the Teen Choice Awards, her BFF4EVA Karlie Kloss was at her Beverly Hills mansion heating up her full-size Easy Bake Oven and getting everything ready for the strawberry tart baking party they had when she got home. (That is not a euphemism.) Because the literary gazette of integrity, The Daily Mail, says that Karlie Kloss has moved in with Taylor Swift. Well, the good news for Taylor Swift’s accountant is that she doesn’t have to use her millions to buy mirrors, because if she ever wants to know what she looks like, she just has to look at Karlie Kloss.
A source tells The Daily Mail that Karlie moved into Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms’ Beverly Hills house a few weeks ago and the two have become so “inseparable” that they’re looking into getting conjoined twin surgery so they will never be parted.
“Taylor and Karlie have grown very close,’ the source told me. ‘They are inseparable. Taylor wanted someone to live with her, to have some company, and Karlie jumped at the chance to move in with her friend. They spent a lot of time together before Karlie moved in but now they are rarely apart. They do everything together, from visits to the gym to going on road trips.”
Some think that just because Kar Kar and Tay Tay are living together and are joined at the bangs means that she’s gotten tired of bearding and writing #1 songs about all the “dramatic males” she stalks, so she’s switched shit up and is lezzing it up and writing #1 songs about the chicks she stalks instead. Some think that Karlie and Taylor are like SamRo and Lindsay Lohan if you replaced the crack and Jack Daniels with peach pocket pies and handmade doilies. As much as I’d like to think that Kar Kar and Tay Tay are setting the smoke alarms off in her house by rubbing their twig legs together while scissoring in her craft room, I don’t think that’s happening. I still think this is a Single White Female situation, but I don’t know who’s Single White Female-ing who. But I do know that Taylor’s adorable pussy better wear a helmet and parachute at all times, because we all know what happened to Buddy.
Here’s more of Taylor at the Teen Choice Awards and Kar Kar leaving Taylor’s apartment in NYC the other day.
I know, I would’ve guessed that Taylor Swift’s “family portrait” would’ve ben her posing with her cats, her collection of yarn dolls and the cardboard cutouts of all the dudes she’s stalked. But instead, Taylor Swift’s family portrait, which was taken at her Rhode Island beach house over the weekend, is filled with A-listers (see: Emma Stone), E-listers (see: Jaime King) and never-was-on-any-listers (see: Jessica Snooze-ar from Gossip Girl). After they took this picture, they got drunk on the bottle of plum wine Taylor stole from her parent’s liquor cabinet, crank called John Mayer, practiced kissing on each other’s hands and played “Light As A Feather, Stiff As Board.”
And in that sea of mostly pretty mostly white girls who probably smell like Victoria’s Secret fruit mist is Lena Dunham looking like the creepy 10-year-old little shithead brother who sneaks into the basement during his older sister’s slumber party to watch the girls sleep, steal their panties, smell their hair and fart in their duffel bags.
Mercury must really be in retrograde in a serious way, because The National Enquirer (via Defamer and Celebitchy) says that for the first time in history, come-to-life Laura Ashley bedspread Taylor Swift is not stalking a dude and showing up to his house in the middle of the night in a wedding dress while carrying her two cats dressed as her bridesmaids. Shit has been switched up. The Enquirer (I know, I know) says that Orlando Bloom is the one doing the chasing and he’s trying hard to get Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms to go out with him. Orlando Bloom must think that he’s at the stage of his career where he really wants the tabloids to write about how he’s gay, because dating Taylor Swift is the easiest and quickest way to bring that on. The Enquirer’s source said this:
“Orlando has been bombarding Taylor with text messages and phone calls, begging her for a date. But she’s been playing hard to get. She’s flattered because she thinks Orlando is so sexy and, in normal circumstances, she would leap at the chance.”
Taylor hasn’t immediately wrapped her Easy Bake Oven around Orlando, because she’s friends with his ex-piece Miranda Kerr, and Selena Gomez, who is back on the Biebs, at one point wanted to be the next Kewpie-faced brown-headed doll in Whorelando’s life.
“But Taylor is concerned that dating Orlando would destroy her friendships with Selena Gomez and Miranda Kerr, and is worried about being involved in a rebound romance.
Ohh. She’s looking for a serious relationship. She doesn’t want to be just another notch on his belt. Taylor knows that Selena is nuts about Orlando and wants to have a real relationship with him. Yet all he seems to want to do is ask her about Taylor!”
There’s also a big development in this BREAKING NEWS story. The New York Post says that Orlando just bought a $4.8 million loft in Taylor’s building in Tribeca.
Taylor Swift looks like something that came from the mind of Marie Osmond and that’s definitely Orlando’s type, but I don’t think he’s trying to get into her heart-shaped strawberry tart. It’s really obviously that Orlando is burning up Taylor’s baby pink iPhone and moving into her building to get closer to her pussy.
Do you blame him? Actually, I kind of do, because that adorable kitten looks like a tiny alien who put on an adorable kitten costume to get closer to the humans and learn our secrets before the eventual alien takeover.
Here’s Taylor in NYC today looking the snobbiest daughter of a Republican senator from Georgia.
Human soft-serve ice cream cone Taylor Swift proved she’s one cat closer to her very own butterscotch-scented Scottish Fold pussy army by posting a picture to Instagram yesterday of her newest Scottish Fold cat, who she’s named after her favorite Law & Order: SVU character, Olivia Benson. Personally, I’m a little disappointed that she didn’t name it “Meow-whisker Hargitay”, but you take an SVU reference where you can get it.
Olivia Benson is Taylor’s second cat, the first being Meredith Grey, who was named after her favorite character from Grey’s Anatomy. This sort of reminds me of when people give up smoking and replace cigarettes with Pop Tarts; except Taylor has replaced chasing barely-legal boys with collecting cats and naming them after television shows found on your mom’s DVR. The next thing you know she’ll be posting a picture of a third cat named after the designer from Love It or List It and asking if you’ve seen the lovely slacks that are on sale at Chico’s.
I’ll throw shade for days at Taylor for naming her first cat after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll give her 10 loud YAAASSSSSS-es and 5 ‘hands up’ emojis for naming the second cat after the greatest pervert-busting detective of all time. She shouldn’t be surprised if she comes home one day to find Olivia Benson in a little leather jacket with a tiny NYPD badge clipped to the waist of her itty bitty kitty dress pants with a caramel-colored hair extension on her head, trying to convince the next-door neighbor’s cat to testify against the Shih Tzu who attacked them in Central Park.
The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.
While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.
So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??
Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.
I am not a smart person (understatement of the centuryyyyy), but I do know what danger is. Danger is buying $0.49 sandwich from a gas station convenience store. Danger is looking at a questionable dick and thinking ‘I’m sure that’s just an ingrown hair’. But the most dangerous danger of all is coming between two crazy-ass unstable booze-guzzling gayelles! Taylor Swift must be feeling brave after buying that leather jacket, because she dared to spend yesterday hanging out with Michelle Rodriguez’s current partner in coochie-cuddling, Cara Delevingne. Damn girl, you might wanna call Mercy General and tell them to set aside a bowl of lime jello for you, because if Michelle ever sees these picture of you squiring her woman around town, she’s going to put your ass in the hospital.
Then again, I’m not completely sure Michelle knows how to operate a computer (or as she calls it ‘Not A Booze Dispenser‘) so Taylor might be safe. But still! I can’t get behind a home depot-wrecking hussy. And yes, I know that Taylor isn’t trying to fuck Cara; they were just going out for sushi and doing a little shopping. But you never know with that shady butterscotch sundae; everything is a potential break-up song (“Is this light bulb broken? GET MY GUITAR”).
And I would have done n-e-thang to see the look on Taffy Sinclair’s face when she saw what Cara was wearing on their friendship date. “Did you need some more time to get ready? You’re ready. Sorry Cara, but I can’t Instagram us doing super cute things if you’re not looking super cute. Gosh, friend collecting is so difficult these days.”