The Year Is 2016 And I’ve Written A Post About Kenny Chesney Being The Second Biggest Money-Maker In Music
It feels like I haven’t written about Kenny Chesney since the Renee Zellweger days when their 6-minute-long marriage ended in “fraud” and he blamed it on his “box” being too full at the time and not being able to handle all of the attention from the media. I don’t know if Kenny’s box is still full, but I do know that his bank accounts are overflowing with dollars the same way your panties are overflowing with twatty leche from looking at that picture of him in that hot sleeveless T.
A Pile Of Butchered Space Snakes + A Warrior Ballerina + A Heaping Cup Of Nope = Taylor Swift At The Met Gala
Earlier I threw up pictures of Carrie Underwoods wearing Judy Jetson’s quince dress. Well, here’s 2007 Chrissy Crocker’s hair twin Taylor Swift wearing the quince after-party dress that Judy Jetson snatched out of a clearance bin at a Wet Seal outlet on Mars.
Taylor Swift is about as edgy as the heart-shaped tear trickling down the face of a porcelain Precious Moments figurine, but yet she’s still trying to drive in RiRi’s lane. Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms is like that preppy friend in junior high school named Chelsea (pronounced Chell-sea-uh) who comes back from summer break as a goth girl, and her idea of goth is wearing black chipped nail polish and writing lyrics from The Smiths songs on her paper bag book cover during homeroom.
The mess of a look that Taylor wore to tonight’s MESS Gala needs some Adderall, because it’s all over the place. From the neck up is “little girl doing half-assed Debbie Harry drag.” From the neck down to her knees is “extra in Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” (Side note: I can’t believe I’m referencing Zenon.) And from the knees down is “ballerina who works as a biker bar stripper at night and doesn’t have time to change shoes.”
Because of those space scales and those shoes, I don’t know whether to throw her back into the space ocean or tell her ass to twirl away. Why not both?!
Although to be fair, when you have a lot of friends and a lot of ex-boyfriends, it’s probably bound to happen sooner or later. Last night was Gigi Hadid’s 21st birthday, and because Gigi is famous, it’s not exactly a surprise that her party was packed with famous people. The most important of which was Gigi’s squad leader, Taylor Swift. I say “important“, because unless you want to find your ass on the other side of a “Bad Blood“-style song, the first birthday party invitation you send out is to Taylor.
Since Taylor Swift is on the current cover of Vogue (looking like a down-and-out Ramona Quimby), she took part in their 73 Questions series. Whenever Vogue goes to a celebrity’s house for that 73 Questions thing, it always starts off like porn. When the Vogue person rings the doorbell, I expect whoever is on the other side to open the door and say something like, “Are you here for the cum fiesta?” But 73 Questions with Taylor Swift will only give you the tingles if you’re into ugly wallpaper porn, trophy porn and gaudy kitchen faucet porn. So in other words, this video will only give you the tingles if your government name is Taylor Alison Swift.
Seen above looking like she’s about to tag into an exhibition match during an indie wrestling show held in a bar basement in Bay City, Michigan, RiRi pulled a Kesha last night by making a surprise appearance in the middle of a DJ’s set at the annual Excuse To Roll Your Brains Out While Wearing Crystals From Michael’s On Your Face event.
Press Play On An iPod Ken (aka Calvin Harris) was one of the headliners at Coachella last night and during his set, RiRi popped up to sing along with a track of their song We Found Love. Calvin’s partner in Instagram cheesiness Taylor Swift was at Cokehella (copyright: the Dlisted reader who called it that last year) most of the weekend, but People says she pressed pause on the coochie cutters foolery on Saturday afternoon to take her private jet to San Antonio, Texas for her back-up singer’s wedding. Taylor flew back to California from Texas on the same day to catch Aileen Wuornos look-alike Axl Rose perform on a throne of guitar necks with Guns N’ Roses. And last night, Tay Tay and her squad were in the audience for her Easy Bake Oven sous-chef’s set.
Oh, Anna Wintour, that frozen-hearted demonic genius!
Taylor Swift is one of the co-chairs of this year’s MET(h) Gala along with Anna Wintour, so I figured that Vogue’s lips were currently attached to her heart-shaped asshole. But I figured wrong, because this morning Anna Wintour released the newest cover of Vogue with Tay Tay on the cover and this mess screams: I. Hate. This. Trick. If Anna Wintour liked Taylor, she wouldn’t have her on the cover looking like the old straw broom my abuelita used to sweep the carpet with. I know that Anna Wintour is completely dead inside and doesn’t have the ability to process human emotions, but I still love her for this.
I guess going all of six weeks without seeing his name in the news accompanied by the words “… started ranting about (insert name of famous person)” was irritating Kanye West’s attention-hole, because he recently dragged a famous person into a rant. This time it was his on-again/off-again enemy Taylor Swift. Billboard says that Kanye once again got into his never-ending messy relationship with her during a concert in the Philippines on Saturday.
Whenever an awards show rolls around, don’t you find yourself sitting there, worrying about the over-boiled jicama sliver that is Taylor Swift? Because she’s never at those things and she never ever wins a trophy and we know that she deserves at least a zillion of them. I once won 6th place (out of 6 contestants) in an accordion competition, and I’ve always wanted to send Tay Tay that trophy, just so she can have one. Thankfully something called the BMI Pop Awards (Side note: I hate my fingers for not typing “BM Poop Awards” instead) exist and they have come up with a surefire way for Taylor Swift to finally win an award. They have created the Taylor Swift Award and they’re going to give it to Taylor Swift. But really, I wish one of us ran the BMI Pop Awards, because we’d create the Taylor Swift Award and give it to Katy Perry.
While pop trick Katy Perry was off trying to be a country trick at the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas, the ex-Princess Buttercup of Country (no offense to Princess Buttercup or country) Taylor Swift was off being a pop trick at the iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles.
I didn’t watch that shit last night, because I decided to watch some real entertainment (see: Dolly on the ACM Awards, the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion and Golden Girls reruns) instead, but apparently Try Hard Barbie and her boyfriend Try Hard Ken were the insufferable queen and king of the iFartRadio prom. Taylor won an award for Best Tour and when she accepted it, she pretty much pulled out a paper bag book cover, wrote the name “Adam Wiles” (cool DJ name: Calvin Harris) on it and then drew a pink Sharpie heart around it.
Not even a year ago, Taylor Swift was telling her squad, “Don’t even look at that shady whore Apple when she comes through the cafeteria,” and now they’re all the way up each other’s culitos. Tay Tay and Apple continued blowing air kisses up each other’s b-holes today by releasing an ad for Apple Music where she gets on a treadmill and raps to Drake and Future’s “Jumpman.” When you listen to Taylor rap, you’ll know who taught MH Weibe how to flow. Tay Tay also gave everyone a special gift when she busted out a moment that will probably become one of the GREATEST GIFS OF ALL TIME (sorry, KanyeShrug.GIF). “Taylor’s” (read: Taylor’s body double’s) face eats rubber at the very end:
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) April 1, 2016
Never mind that Taylor looks like the shush baby of Anna Wintour and an inflatable sky dancer, she may get a taste of her own “sue a bitch” medicine thanks to this Apple Music commercial. I mean, the whole “prove that you’re oh-so-quirky and oh-so-real and omg-relatable by falling on the floor” is Jennifer Lawrence’s copyrighted trick!