Pictured: Taylor, Zayn and a traumatized pussy doing an impersonation of your eardrums while listening to their new duet.
Last night, Taylor Swift surprised her fans when she twatted a 30-second clip of the song that she and Zayn Malik yodeled out for the Fifty Shits Darker soundtrack. Taylor and Zayn doing a song for Fifty Shits is the new definition of “WUT?” for a lot of people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Judging by the trailers and the first dried turd nugget of a movie, Fifty Shits Darker looks about as hot and sexy as a bag of freezer-burnt succotash, so it’s completely on brand and 100% fitting for Taylor Swift to do a song for it. It’s a perfect fit!
Since AT&T acquired both DIRECTV and Time-Warner, it’s clear that they’re plotting domination in the U.S. and it looks like part of their domination plan includes bringing us, the people, to our knees and subduing our senses. And their new all Taylor Swift channel is going to do just that.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and while ~some~ of us were fighting off the meat sweats, Taylor Swift was taking a time out from writing “Mrs. Wheelchair Jimmy” on her notebooks to post a Mannequin Challenge with some of her fellow middle school Cool Kids.
It may look like Drake is practicing for the first time he lights the vanilla candles and lets Taylor Swift get familiar with his emergency brake. Get your head out of the gutter! But if anything, he’s probably practicing his moves for when Taylor turns to him and whispers “Let’s get hyper on extra-syrup Shirley Temples and make up a dance routine to S Club 7.”
During the AMAs last night, Apple premiered Drake’s latest grasp for attention in his ongoing maybe-relationship with Taylor Swift. Just like Taylor, Drake shot a sooo goofy commercial for Apple Music. Taylor’s was called Taylor vs. Treadmill, and Drake’s is Drake vs. Bench Press. While attempting to get Australian outback-levels of buff, Drake lip-syncs to Taylor’s Bad Blood.
Taylor held up her end of the PR bargain by posting Drake’s commercial on Instagram with the caption: “Yes @champagnepapi #drakevsbenchpress“. This commercial may be Drake and Taylor’s way of confirming there actually is something between the two of them (poor Doris). Or it’s just a stunt to get Drake, Taylor, and Apple some attention. I guess we’ll never really know!
That commercial is a bit of a reach though. I know Drake loves to cosplay as hard, but popping to Bad Blood was a bit much. If the video for Hotline Bling has taught us anything, it’s that Drake is definitely more of the Zumba-to-Shake It Off type.
Andy Cohen has a Bachelor in Shit Disturbing from Shady Bitch University, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that he once tried to throw a metaphorical cherry bomb into the direction of Taylor Swift’s ongoing feud with Katy Perry. In fact, I’d be more surprised to learn that Andy hadn’t done such a thing. So would his bosses at Bravo. They’d check his forehead and ask, “Are you feeling ok Andy?”
Well, if this week wasn’t negatively charged enough, the image that Taylor Swift says shows Colorado DJ David Mueller feeling her up without her consent has been posted online. It’s the one that she wanted to keep off the path of people’s eyeballs. Welcome to the age of the internet, Taylor. I know. People suck.