Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.
An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!”
I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.”
And Here’s Taylor Swift Dancing With Her Current Best Friend Beyonce At A Justin Timberlake Concert Last Night
In case you can’t tell from this crystal-clear picture, the one on the right in the Lady from Lady and the Tramp wig is Beyonce.
On Saturday, we found out that the newest members of Taylor Swift’s Homecoming Court included her majesty Beyonce, her humanoid camel husband, the HAIM girls, and Justin Timberlake, and on Sunday it looks like they all decided to celebrate their induction into Tay Tay’s current super-famous friends club by going to watch Justin Timberlake bust out some high-pitched dog whistle yodels at the Barclays Center. And not surprisingly, there’s footage of Taylor getting her awkward-suburban-white-girl-at-her-best-friend’s-Sweet 16 on. When Tay Tay hears music, Tay Tay gotta dance! And Beyonce did her good deed of the year by joining in instead of throwing Taylor a “Oh girl, no” face.
The video is after the cut:
And of course I mean the opposite of that.
The head cheerleader and runner-up homecoming queen of Celeb High, Taylor Swift, turns 25 today and she started celebrating early by throwing herself a party at her Tribeca penthouse last night. After performing at the Z100 Jingle Ball earlier in the night, Tay Tay of Sunnybrook Farms showed up to her penthouse which looked like the Grammy’s threw up in it. Beyonce, Jay-Z, Sam Smith, Justin Timberlake and the HAIM chicks were all there. So were Tay’s not-partner-in-pussy Karlie Kloss, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ansel Elgort, Chrissy Teigen, Selena Gomez and more. If you replaced the Tribeca penthouse, the famous hos and the top shelf booze in crystal goblets with a 6-floor walkup apartment, three plebs and a chihuahua and Smirnoff in red cups, it’d be just like my 25th birthday party.
Because Taylor wants all of us to know that her 25th birthday party was better than our 25 birthday party, she Instagrammed this picture. Don’t ask me why Justin Timberlake is wearing a Justin Bieber mask.
That picture becomes 100% better when you imagine how Kim Kartrashian felt while looking at it. Beyonce and Jay-Z skipped her STUNT QUEEN wedding yet they went to Taylor Swift’s 25th birthday party. The Botox mask Kim calls a face probably cracked as she screamed internally.
And as JT partied with Tay Tay and Beyonce, Jessica Biel’s lonely knocked up ass sat at home hoping that he’ll bring her a slice of birthday cake.
The New England Journal of Medicine recently published studies (no, it didn’t) that claimed that watching the video where Queen Aretha Franklin subtly shades Taylor Swift can add months, if not years, to your life. It’s more life-lengthening than drinking a glass of red wine a day or eating blueberries or fucking. Hell, it’s more life-lengthening than eating blueberries while getting a red wine enema as you fuck.
During an interview with the Wall Street Journal last month, the mistress of shade was asked to say a few words about female singers on the scene today and when Taylor Swift’s name came up, the only thing she said was, “Great gowns, beautiful gowns.” It was shade cooked to perfection. Queen Aretha and the beautiful gown wearer came face to face at Billboard’s Women in Music luncheon in NYC today. Taylor’s body turns 25 tomorrow (the 13-year-old girl that lives inside of her turns 14) and so Queen Aretha was charitable and kind enough to serenade the human Lalaloopsy doll with “Happy Birthday” as Jessie J, Ariana Grande Latte, Hayley Williams and others watched. Queen Aretha pretty much maxed out the IRS’ allowed charitable donations with this act of pure kindness. via Billboard
I wish that Grumpy Cat’s human memaw Cissy Houston was in the background rolling her eyes and looking seventy shades of bored. I’d like to think that after she sang for a lesser, Hateretha lived up to her nickname by saying, “And THAT’S how it’s done, trick! Beautiful gown, by the way” before dropping the mic and exiting stage left.
Abigail Breslin Swears She Wasn’t Swiping At Taylor Swift When She Tweeted About An Emotionally Unstable Cat Lady
Former Oscar-nominated child actress and current enemy of 5 Seconds of Summer’s 13-year-old obsessed superfans Abigail Breslin might have taken a subtle swipe at professional popular girl Taylor Swift last night by tweeting a reference to Tay Tay’s song “Blank Space” and changing the line “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” to the following:
Obviously, she could be tweeting about any number of famous emotionally unstable cat ladies, like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons, or…uh…well, that’s pretty much it. But UsWeekly seems to think she was hissing at the crazy cat lady’s pretty human counterpart Taylor Swift. According to UsWeekly, Abigail might have been throwing shade at Tay Tay after she got chummy with Abigail’s ex and the subject of her recently released breakup song “You Suck” Michael Clifford on Twitter. Taylor had congratulated Michael on 5SOS’s performance at the American Music Awards, then asked if he wanted to be Twitter BFFs.
Now, I’m not a teenager, but I’m assuming this pissed Abigail off, considering most people compared her to a low-budget Taylor Swift when “You Suck” hit their ears. But according to Abigail Breslin, even though she was referencing a Taylor Swift song and describing Tay Tay to a T, she wasn’t hissing at the Butterscotch Prom Queen:
A quick peek over at Abigail’s Instagram shows that she does have several cats (including a new one that moved into her house last Sunday), so she is telling the truth that she’s a cat lady. But until we receive confirmation from her therapist, there’s no way to determine whether or not she’s also emotionally unstable.
Meanwhile, cut to Taylor Swift sitting on her pink ruffle canopy bed with her cats
Gretchen and Karen Meredith and Olivia Benson and hissing “OMG, emotionally unstable cat lady? That’s MY thing! Why is she so obsessed with me? Hey, this gives me an idea for a song…”. And speaking of Tay Tay, here she is doing her daily pap walk while looking like Vanity Smurf’s girlfriend yesterday:
Taylor Swift And Karlie Kloss Are Not Making Out In This Crystal Clear, Hi-Res Picture, So Says Her Rep
I know, that could be White Oprah sucking coke out of Bruce Jenner’s nostril for all we know.
But Twitterer @kathyparkk (via ONTD) says that Taylor Swift and her supermodel BF4EVA and road trip partner Karlie Kloss were making out at the 1973 show in NYC last night. It’s been rumored that Tay Tay is dating Matt Healy of 1975 and that’s why she was there last night. So either this picture is nothing or Tay Ty is bumping wet parts with both or all those dudes she’s dated were bearding for her when we all thought she was bearding for them. If it’s the latter then M. Night Shyamalan is definitely involved, because this is a true plot twist.
Here’s a bigger version of Tay Tay and Karlie, who has a boyfriend, possibly doing each other with their mouths.
Hmmm, now that I look at that picture again. It could very well be the ghost of Sylvia Browne siphoning the life out of a young Dutch boy.
Taylor’s rep immediately shot down the Kaylor rumors by telling Gossip Cop that Taylor and Karlie are just really good friends, they’re not partners in pussy and the rumors that they made out last night are “hilarious.” Hilarious? Yeah, the thought of Tay Tay and Karlie kissing is really hilarious. But you know what isn’t hilarious? The fact that every time I see the word “hilarious” I think of Alec Baldwin’s fame whore pretzel of a wife.
And I can almost hear Taylor’s ultra conservative fans screaming, “See, this is what happens when you move to New York. The Big Apple turns you into a big ole’ LEZZIE!”
Here’s Taylor and Karlie at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in London the other day.
That moment when a model wonders how she accidentally walked into the Gap Kids Lingerie Fashion Show instead of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
Whenever you see a picture of Ariana Grande Latte, you can almost hear Bette Midler channel Angry Subway Dad by screaming, “Sit your whore ass down!” At the Victoria’s Secret Show in London tonight, Bette Midler’s favorite pop singer and idol Ariana Grande Latte performed while looking like a go-go dancer at a baby rave. Ariana had her choice of VS outfits and that’s the shit she went with? She went with a sequined black funeral diaper and oversized Lisa Frank handkerchiefs? But really, who cares what Ariana Grande wore. Nobody cares, because the night belonged to Taylor Swift!
I know I keep calling it the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, but it’s really called The Taylor Swift In Lingerie Spectacular (featuring her BFF Karlie Kloss, some other VS models, Ariana Grande Latte, that ginger hobbit and Hozier). Taylor was casting director, model and star performer. Victoria’s Secret is that she’s Taylor’s #1 fan.
While going through the ten million pictures from tonight’s show, I learned something I really didn’t know before. When you put Tay Tay’s tatas in a push-up bra, they look like they were visited by Tori Spelling’s plastic surgeon.
So that’s the blank space she sings about in that song!
Taylor Swift Got That Shit-Talking Model Jessica Hart Fired From This Year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show
Let that be a lesson to everyone – don’t fuck with The Butterscotch Don, or she’ll make your ass disappear! Last year, professional panty model Jessica Hart made the biggest mistake of her life when she said that Taffy Sinclair’s famous showbiz cousin Taylor Swift “didn’t fit in” with the rest of the models during the 2013 Victoria’s Secret fashion show. At the time, there were rumors going around that Tay Tay had Jessica fired, but the president of VS assured everyone that it was bullshit and they planned to work with Jessica in the future.
The only problem is that it appears all future work needs to be cleared with Her Majesty Tay Tay first. According to the NY Daily News, a Victoria’s Secret insider (Leo DiCaprio’s penis) says that before Tay Tay agreed to perform at this year’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show in London, she had Jessica pulled from the line-up:
“It’s not been announced that Jessica is not walking, but it was a direct request from Taylor that this be the case if she were to go. No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show; they want to keep that under wraps but that’s the facts.”
So far, the only comment Jessica has made regarding the whole thing is this Instagram post wishing all the models good luck at the show tonight, which means she’s totally watching the show at home with a bag of chips on her futon like the rest of us. Meanwhile, Taylor is cackling into her dressing room mirror like Ursula when she became a human while one of her cats updates the Jessica Hart page in her Burn Book.
But honestly, I think Taylor might be taking what Jessica said a bit too seriously. I think when Jessica said she “didn’t fit in”, she simply meant there wasn’t enough room in Leo DiCaprio’s fancy panty pussy pyramid backstage. The pussy pyramid can only hold 16!
Here’s Her Majesty Tay Tay arriving at the VS show in London, as well as the other arrivals, like her ginger BFF Ed Sheeran, and Daisy Lowe, who always looks like a goddamn party:
I watched all 3 hours of last night’s American Music Awards and it took a lot of the sweet nectar to get through it. I’m surprised I’m not typing this from a hospital bed as a nurse stands next to me, wringing the booze out of my liver before shoving it back up my asshole. Watching it felt like being stuck in a suburban 10-year-old’s iTunes playlist. It was one shit song after another and at one point I weeped for our nation’s children, because when I was a kid our ears were filled with the artistic melodies put out by real artists like Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.
Taylor Swift opened the crap song buffet with a performance of that “Blank Space” song and she probably gave the best performance of the night. I’m only saying that because it was a wreck from start to finish. Tay Tay recreated her video by playing a crazy-eyed, boyfriend-ruining psycho (read: herself, basically). It works in the video, but it was a mess live. Bitch ran around like an ostrich with mad squirrel disease. It’s like the deranged spirit of Norma Desmond possessed the body of a vintage Barbie.
Tay Tay’s performance looks like it was done on the set of a non-union touring production of Scooby Doo Live. I kept waiting for Shaggy and the gang to come out, pull off Taylor Swift’s mask and reveal that she’s actually Old Farmer Jenkins and it was him killing all those young, hot white men. Tay Tay’s acting wasn’t the only messy part of that performance. At first I thought she was mouthing to a track, but it became apparent that she wasn’t totally lip-synching when an off-key note shot out of her mouth and drop kicked my eardrum.
For the rest of the show, Taylor did what Taylor does: she held court with the “popular girls” (Selena Gomez and Selena’s one-time arch rival Lorde) and busted her out inflatable wind dancer moves in the front row. During Selena Gomez’s ~emotionally raw~ performance in front of a screensaver, Tay Tay did this:
Those duo of side-eyes…. They say everything.
Lorde (aka Emily the Strange with a spiral perm) is thinking to herself, “Cry, bitch, cry more! Your pain feeds my Hot Topic soul” and Taylor is either crying from the raw emotion or she’s crying from the second-hand embarrassment she feels while watching Selena squirt out tears over Justin Fucking Bieber.
And at the end of the show, I made the same face Taylor’s making when I realized that I wasted 3 hours of my night and could’ve watched The Comeback instead.
Last week, 36-year-old professional iTunes jockey, father of two, and the Gretchen Wieners to Katy Perry’s Regina George Diplo became the latest member of the Too Old For This Shit Crew when he came for come-to-life slice of banana cream pie Taylor Swift by tweeting that someone should make a kickstarter to get her a booty. That’s when the Janis Ian to Taylor’s Cady Heron Lorde decided to get involved by throwing shade at Diplo for having a small penis. And now it looks like the adult high school mean girl bitch fight continues! In response to Lorde’s trouser worm accusations, Diplo dropped whatever he was doing in iTunes and tweeted the following:
Then, to remind us that he still has at least 6 pages dedicated to Tay Tay in his burn book, he replied to this obviously fake Taylor Swift tweet about her ass, as well as continued to troll Tay Tay’s fans: