Taylor Swift has a lot of titles like gazillionaire pop star, sole recipient of the Taylor Swift Award, self-proclaimed lightning rod for slut-shaming, leader of a squad of mostly skinny models and Dream Phone grand champion (I’m guessing), but there’s one title she probably isn’t happy about. Taylor is apparently worshipped as an Aryan goddess by a group of neo-Nazis on the Internet. One minute you’re the target of a Hitler quotes meme and posing next to a dude with a swastika on his shirt, and the next minute you’re the Aphrodite of white supremacy.
It’s dangerous out there! Even for celebrities. Well, especially for celebrities. Just like dryers love to gobble up socks, cars love to make celebrities get into car accidents. Just ask Lindsay Lohan. She will for sure tell you that it is always 100% the car’s fault and not the celebrity’s when a casual drive turns into a game of Twisted Metal. The latest victim of car villainy is Calvin Harris, Taylor Swift‘s boyfriend and notebook doodle obsession. It doesn’t matter that he’s a mega DJ and music person at this point, right?
TMZ is reporting that Calvin got into a pretty serious crash last night in LA. He was in the passenger seat of a Cadillac SUV when a VW Bug driven by a 16-year-old girl crashed into his car. Is it just me or is that the most Taylor Swift accident that could happen to a Taylor Swift boyfriend? A VW Bug. Teens bopping around recklessly. For all we know the driver wasn’t looking because she was busy squealing along to a Tay Tay song.
The accident was pretty bad and one of the passengers in the teen car was ejected from his seat. The driver and the ejectee were also taken to the hospital and the ejectee suffered a broken pelvis.
As for Calvin, he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance after sustaining a serious laceration to his face. Once there, he asked for a private room, because you know he is too famous and his face is too well known to share a room with a regular. Calvin was told they didn’t have any available, so he hopped off the gurney and sashayed away against medical advice. Uh oh. Is there trouble in Sweet Valley High paradise? Why didn’t Taylor immediately get on the phone and buy him an entire hospital floor? This one seems to be sticking so I figured she’d do anything and everything. Unless something has happened between them? And full circle – I smell another song.
“…and that’s why you can’t be in my friend club. I’m sorry, but I already have one non-skinny brunette and one half-Mexican former Disney child star. But if something opens up, I’ll, like, totally keep you in mind! I’m sure I have your number somewhere.”
Shortly after a judge denied Kesha’s request to get out of her contract with Dr. Luke back in February, Demi Lovato looked in Taylor Swift’s direction and released a series of not-so-subtle tweets wondering why certain “self-proclaimed feminists” weren’t saying anything about the situation. Taylor responded by cutting Kesha a check for $250,000 and praying that such a gesture would shut Demi up. It didn’t. She kept on talking about it. Well, three months later, Demi is still talking about it. Grab a folding chair and a bag of popcorn, because it’s time once again for Demi Lovato to take shots at Taylor Swift.
“Is that bitch over there also wearing a choker? Chokers are my thing. Didn’t she get the memo that I’m totally edgy and cool now?”
As Michael reported last month, the home-made Debbie Harry Barbie doll known formally as Taylor Swift received the Taylor Swift Award at the BMI Pop Awards last night. And this is what she wore to collect her award. I know that Taylor Swift recently discovered Tumblr’s interpretation of the ’90s, but there is such a thing as leaning in too hard. It’s like Taylor had a ’90s style checklist and wouldn’t leave the house until it was completely covered in glitter gel pen ink. Velvet slip dress? Check! Vaguely ’90s floral print? Check! Black choker? Check! Sun-In fried hair? Check! Transformation into a model from Delia’s 1997 prom catalog completed!
At least Taylor Swift is self-aware enough to realize how ridiculous it is that Taylor Swift – who took home 10 trophies last night – won the Taylor Swift Award. While accepting her award, Taylor made a joke about how ~awkward~ it would have been if BMI had given it to somebody else.
“Ha ha ha ha ha no but seriously, ‘bummed’ doesn’t even begin to describe how screwed you would have been. Taylor Swift has a lot of very expensive lawyers, and she isn’t afraid to use them. Ask anyone on Etsy – if you create something with Taylor Swift’s name on it, it belongs to Taylor Swift.”
Here’s more of Taylor looking like she got lost on her way to an audition for a L’Oreal Rouge Pulp commercial.
The Year Is 2016 And I’ve Written A Post About Kenny Chesney Being The Second Biggest Money-Maker In Music
It feels like I haven’t written about Kenny Chesney since the Renee Zellweger days when their 6-minute-long marriage ended in “fraud” and he blamed it on his “box” being too full at the time and not being able to handle all of the attention from the media. I don’t know if Kenny’s box is still full, but I do know that his bank accounts are overflowing with dollars the same way your panties are overflowing with twatty leche from looking at that picture of him in that hot sleeveless T.
A Pile Of Butchered Space Snakes + A Warrior Ballerina + A Heaping Cup Of Nope = Taylor Swift At The Met Gala
Earlier I threw up pictures of Carrie Underwoods wearing Judy Jetson’s quince dress. Well, here’s 2007 Chrissy Crocker’s hair twin Taylor Swift wearing the quince after-party dress that Judy Jetson snatched out of a clearance bin at a Wet Seal outlet on Mars.
Taylor Swift is about as edgy as the heart-shaped tear trickling down the face of a porcelain Precious Moments figurine, but yet she’s still trying to drive in RiRi’s lane. Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms is like that preppy friend in junior high school named Chelsea (pronounced Chell-sea-uh) who comes back from summer break as a goth girl, and her idea of goth is wearing black chipped nail polish and writing lyrics from The Smiths songs on her paper bag book cover during homeroom.
The mess of a look that Taylor wore to tonight’s MESS Gala needs some Adderall, because it’s all over the place. From the neck up is “little girl doing half-assed Debbie Harry drag.” From the neck down to her knees is “extra in Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” (Side note: I can’t believe I’m referencing Zenon.) And from the knees down is “ballerina who works as a biker bar stripper at night and doesn’t have time to change shoes.”
Because of those space scales and those shoes, I don’t know whether to throw her back into the space ocean or tell her ass to twirl away. Why not both?!
Although to be fair, when you have a lot of friends and a lot of ex-boyfriends, it’s probably bound to happen sooner or later. Last night was Gigi Hadid’s 21st birthday, and because Gigi is famous, it’s not exactly a surprise that her party was packed with famous people. The most important of which was Gigi’s squad leader, Taylor Swift. I say “important“, because unless you want to find your ass on the other side of a “Bad Blood“-style song, the first birthday party invitation you send out is to Taylor.
Since Taylor Swift is on the current cover of Vogue (looking like a down-and-out Ramona Quimby), she took part in their 73 Questions series. Whenever Vogue goes to a celebrity’s house for that 73 Questions thing, it always starts off like porn. When the Vogue person rings the doorbell, I expect whoever is on the other side to open the door and say something like, “Are you here for the cum fiesta?” But 73 Questions with Taylor Swift will only give you the tingles if you’re into ugly wallpaper porn, trophy porn and gaudy kitchen faucet porn. So in other words, this video will only give you the tingles if your government name is Taylor Alison Swift.
Seen above looking like she’s about to tag into an exhibition match during an indie wrestling show held in a bar basement in Bay City, Michigan, RiRi pulled a Kesha last night by making a surprise appearance in the middle of a DJ’s set at the annual Excuse To Roll Your Brains Out While Wearing Crystals From Michael’s On Your Face event.
Press Play On An iPod Ken (aka Calvin Harris) was one of the headliners at Coachella last night and during his set, RiRi popped up to sing along with a track of their song We Found Love. Calvin’s partner in Instagram cheesiness Taylor Swift was at Cokehella (copyright: the Dlisted reader who called it that last year) most of the weekend, but People says she pressed pause on the coochie cutters foolery on Saturday afternoon to take her private jet to San Antonio, Texas for her back-up singer’s wedding. Taylor flew back to California from Texas on the same day to catch Aileen Wuornos look-alike Axl Rose perform on a throne of guitar necks with Guns N’ Roses. And last night, Tay Tay and her squad were in the audience for her Easy Bake Oven sous-chef’s set.
Oh, Anna Wintour, that frozen-hearted demonic genius!
Taylor Swift is one of the co-chairs of this year’s MET(h) Gala along with Anna Wintour, so I figured that Vogue’s lips were currently attached to her heart-shaped asshole. But I figured wrong, because this morning Anna Wintour released the newest cover of Vogue with Tay Tay on the cover and this mess screams: I. Hate. This. Trick. If Anna Wintour liked Taylor, she wouldn’t have her on the cover looking like the old straw broom my abuelita used to sweep the carpet with. I know that Anna Wintour is completely dead inside and doesn’t have the ability to process human emotions, but I still love her for this.