Last week, 36-year-old professional iTunes jockey, father of two, and the Gretchen Wieners to Katy Perry’s Regina George Diplo became the latest member of the Too Old For This Shit Crew when he came for come-to-life slice of banana cream pie Taylor Swift by tweeting that someone should make a kickstarter to get her a booty. That’s when the Janis Ian to Taylor’s Cady Heron Lorde decided to get involved by throwing shade at Diplo for having a small penis. And now it looks like the adult high school mean girl bitch fight continues! In response to Lorde’s trouser worm accusations, Diplo dropped whatever he was doing in iTunes and tweeted the following:
Then, to remind us that he still has at least 6 pages dedicated to Tay Tay in his burn book, he replied to this obviously fake Taylor Swift tweet about her ass, as well as continued to troll Tay Tay’s fans:
So I guess that bitchy high school girl feud between wannabe goth kid Katy Perry and butterscotch prom queen Taylor Swift is still a thing, and now it looks like Kay Kay has dragged her 36-year-old maybe-boyfriend Diplo into it. Yesterday, Diplo tweeted the following shade at Tay Tay:
Someone should make a kickstarter to get taylor swift a booty
— BABY DADDY (@diplo) November 12, 2014
Of course within minutes, one of Diplo’s followers set up a Fundly page titled – you guessed it – “Get Taylor Swift A Booty“. So far, the campaign to get Taylor Swift a booty has 29 supporters and has raised a whopping $45 (which is almost enough to buy a pair of Crownette padded briefs from Sears). This act of grown-ass mean girl cuntery pleased Diplo, so he continued to tweet the link to the Fundly page several times, as well as re-tweeting a joke that a petition was sent to the White House to include getting Taylor Swift a booty in the federal budget.
Taylor Swift wants all of us to know that she knows we think she’s a Kennedy-obsessed, pretty boy stalker who lives in a fancy castle full of bored, white animals and goes full Alex Forrest on a dude who does her wrong. The video for Tay Tay’s new single “Blank Space” is supposed to be a parody of herself, but please. This video was obviously put together with actual security camera footage from Taylor’s mansion. This is a Taylor Swift documentary!
The video starts out with Taylor of Sunnybook farms living a picture perfect rich girl life with her pristine white pussy Olivia Benson, her magical animals and her WASP prince of a boyfriend. They spend their days living in a Kennedy wet dream by bike riding in the fancy living room, frolicking in the gardens, riding white stallions and doing all the things that Tay Tay definitely does in real-life on a daily basis. It’s all pretty white animals and garden picnics until she catches her man texting some whore and the deranged Skipper doll we all know comes out. She tortures him with a voodoo apple (which they picked together during one of their apple picking trips, duh) and tries and fails to recreate Angela Bassett’s legendary and inspirational “Bernadine’s Rage” scene from Waiting to Exhale.
There’s something missing in that video… At the very end, Taylor should’ve gutted her man, pulled out his bones and veins, made a guitar out of that shit and then used that bones and veins guitar to write a song about how he’s an asshole piece of shit who fucked her over. But other than that, that music video is spot-on and typical Tay Tay. Taylor really gets Taylor.
And more importantly, what does Queen Aretha think about Taylor’s new video?
Queen Aretha Franklin is still pimping her album of diva covers hard and when she’s not awakening the dead with her screams while a not impressed Cissy Houston does the Grumpy Cat behind her, she’s bringing on the shade in heavy doses. While talking to the Wall Street Journal about her new album, Queen Aretha was asked to give her thoughts on some of the “young divas” of today. You can tell that Queen Aretha hates interviews and thinks everyone question is filed under STUPID. Queen Aretha is over it before it even begins and she doesn’t have time for sentences that end in a question mark. But since she’s got an album to sell, she goes along with it. When the interviewer spit out a few names, it looks like she had a hard time coming up with a compliment and she barely tried with Taylor Swift and didn’t even try with Nicki Minaj. Pull up your dress, tuck your granny panties to the side and piss on those young bitches, Hateretha!
On Adele: “Young singer, good singer.”
On Alicia Keys: ”Um, young performer, writer/producer.”
On Taylor Swift: ”Okay. Great gowns. Beautiful gowns.”
On Whitney Houston: ”Whitney was a talent. Definitely a talent. She had a gift. And Cissy’s baby.”
On Nicki Minaj: “Nicki Minaj… Hmm… Now I’m going to pass on that one.”
It’s 110 in the shade today! Besides Whitney and maybe Adele, it doesn’t seem like Queen Aretha is really that impressed with any of them. She straight up hated on Nicki Minaj and threw a little shade at Taylor and Alicia’s way. She is the Say Something Nice champion. Queen Aretha always keeps it cuntastic. “Great gowns, beautiful gowns…” Oh, Aretha, great shade, beautiful shade… Maybe Aretha doesn’t even know who Taylor is, though. Maybe she thinks Taylor Swift is a line of quickly made dresses at Lord & Taylor.
And if you want to see Queen Aretha get an error 404 message while trying to give a fuck about lessers like Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and Alicia Keys, skip to the 3:55 mark in the video below:
Here’s some old pictures of Queen Aretha with Clive Davis on Halloween night at Keep A Child Alive’s Annual Black Ball in NYC. Queen Aretha is keeping this child alive with that wig and sloppy eyeshadow situation. But she is not keeping the Muppets alive by wearing one of their own.
Even though Taylor Swift is richer than Jesus, The Monopoly Man, and Scrooge McDuck combined, AND makes a million dollars every time she’s photographed walking out of her apartment looking like a limited edition My Size American Girl doll (I’m assuming she gets paid for that shit), AND just announced she’s going on tour, which means she’ll be stuffing even more dollar bills into her retro high-waisted shorts, AND the fact that her album 1989 has already gone triple-rhodium on Earth, Mars, and Uranus, Taylor Swift isn’t about to let any of us listen to Shake It Off without getting a handful of cash first.
According to BuzzFeed, Sweet Valley Swifty broke up with music streaming service Spotify, and they are never ever getting back together. Well, at least until they can come to an agreement on Tay Tay’s “Fuck you, pay me” policy. Taylor never gave a reason why she yanked all her albums off Spotify, but the speculation is that it either has to do with Tay Tay Butterscotch Sundae wanting more cash or her record label, Big Machine, trying to sell itself for $200 million and not wanting to appear as though they’re just giving music away for free. Currently Tay Tay is still hustling the rest of her breakup songs on iTunes, Google Play, Pandora, and Rdio.
Spotify responded this morning by writing an open letter to Taylor begging her to come back, making it the first time in history that Taylor Swift split with someone and they were the ones to release a sad confessional about their break-up.
I don’t know anything about making money on the internet (unless you count posting in the misc. section of Craigslist), but if Tay Tay yanked all her songs off Spotify because she wasn’t making enough money, then she might also want to have a word with radio stations. Yesterday I drove to IKEA, and the whole way there it was nothing but Shake It Off. Pop station? Shake It Off. Classic Rock station? Shake It Off. 101.5 Classical FM? Shake It Off. Then when I got to IKEA, they were playing a Swedish version of Shake It Off called Skakë It Børt. I must have heard that shit 6,374 times, and I didn’t pay her a single cent! Tay Tay, get on that! You’re losing money!
It really isn’t New York City’s month. First Ebola and now they have to deal with Taylor Swift being the official welcome mat of their city. That’s a title that should’ve gone to absolutely anybody in NYC besides Tay Tay. Dr. Zizmor, the elegant dream makers of Grand Prospect Hall and the glamorous master of Trash and Vaudeville were all ROBBED!
Taylor Swift’s new album “1989,” which will probably sell a million copies in its first week, came out today and since there’s a song called “Welcome to New York” on it, NYC’s tourism board and Taylor’s people have joined forces to queef up a terrible, terrible marketing idea. I guess “Welcome to New York” is the new unofficial welcome anthem of NYC, because Tay Tay has been named NYC’s Global Welcome Ambassador. When I visited NYC for the first time, within two hours of my visit I was welcomed by the sound of a drunken homeless guy saying to me, “Hey, cake boy, give me a dollar will ya?” That is the welcome anthem of NYC. Not a Taylor Swift song!
Taylor, who has lived in NYC for about 6 minutes, made the announcement on Good Morning America today (thrilling pictures below) and also said that she’s going to perform in her new hometown on New Year’s Eve. As part of her new role as NYC’s Global Welcome Ambassador, Tay Tay shot a cringe-inducing NYC orientation video where she educated visitors on what a bodega is, how to say Houston Street correctly and what “NoHo” is. NoHo isn’t only a neighborhood in Manhattan, it’s what I shouted out loud when Taylor announced that she was the new face of NYC. While watching that mess of a video, I kept waiting for Tay Tay to tell visitors what to do if a dude starts jerking off on their leg on the subway, but then I realized that stuff like that probably doesn’t happen in her chauffeured SUV. NYC’s newest mascot also spit this out:
“I’m still learning, but I’m so enthusiastic about this city that when I love something, I’m very vocal about it. New York was a huge landscape for what became this album. It’s affected my life in ways I’m not even aware of fully.”
Maybe Taylor isn’t such a shitty choice after all. It’s hard to live in Manhattan unless you caca money and can easily write a check for your $20 million apartment without blinking. So she’s a fit!
I always knew that if NYC was a human it’d be a gay dude and now that it’s in a contract relationship with Taylor Swift, my suspicion has been confirmed! I can’t wait until NYC rips up its relationship contract with Taylor and she goes back to the Christmas tree farm to write the break-up song titled “I Hate The Way You Say Houston.”
Taylor Swift, the come-to-life Russian nesting doll comprised of an 83-year-old cookie-baking granny inside a 12-year-old part-time babysitter inside a melodramatic 24-year-old woman with a cat fetish with the heart of a whipped cream-covered butterscotch sundae, recently confessed to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) that she hasn’t been to nary a single drive-in movie or strawberry social with a gentleman caller in 18 months. But don’t you shed a single tear for Sweet Valley Swift – she’s happy that nobody’s been into her down-low peppermint rose garden in over a year, because it has given her more time to get to know (cue Lifetime-sounding music)…herself.
“I get stressed when I think about getting into a relationship because I get beat up in the press whenever I go near a boy. So you can understand why I’m taking a bit of a break. A relationship is not in my brain right now. Staying single has been the best thing I have done… I’m not wary of getting into another relationship. I’m just protective of my independence and freedom, more protective than I have been before. I always thought, ‘What could be better than to love someone and be loved back?’ I finally found what it is to love yourself and not need anyone to love you back.”
Tay Tay, why you lie?? There’s no way she quit the boys cold-turkey for a whole 18-months. I bet there’s a half-eaten Duncan Hines Brownie Husband sitting in Tay Tay’s apartment right now (we’ll know for sure if she writes a song called “Lover With A Melted Chocolate Heart” sometime in the next 10 months).
The only thing I don’t want to think about is Taylor’s “love yourself” comment. My brain is NOT prepared to handle the image of Tay Tay lighting a couple dozen vanilla-scented candles and ‘tending to her rose garden’, so to speak. That’s between Tay Tay and her vibrating Sailor Moon wand.
And to prove that relationships with boys are not on her brain right now, here’s Tay Tay performing that song about her relationship with Harry Styles on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night in the middle of Hollywood Blvd. She has truly moved on!
Here’s more of Tay Tay serving up some Upper East Side Fly Girl realness on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.
Taylor Swift, the twee yodeling love child of Vintage Barbie and a grown up Huckleberry Pie, recently did an interview with the Jules, Merrick and Sophie radio show in Australia and Sophie Monk (Never 4get Bardot) asked her what she thinks about critics saying that she only writes songs about dudes she’s dated. Tay Tay of Green Gables stamped that criticism with the VERY SEXIST label and said that haters gonna hate hate hate on her songs about ex-pieces, but yet the likes of jolly ginger Hobbit Ed Sheeran and grenade catcher Bruno Mars never get any shit thrown at them for writing songs about their ex pieces.
Last night, Olivia Benson had her paws firmly shoved into her pussy ear holes, because her human Taylor Swift probably shrieked, screamed and squirted (smells like that Victoria’s Secret fruit spray shit from the late 90s) when “Out of the Woods,” a diary entry set to a Tears For Fears instrumental, went #1 on iTunes and trended on Twatter just 4 seconds after she queefed it out. YouTube keeps yanking the song down, so you can listen to it here.
The country-yodeling Holly Hobbie doll turned cheerleader going through an Emo phase wrote the song with Jack Antonoff of Fun (and the boyfriend of Tay Tay’s BFFFFFFFF4EVA Lena Dunham). If you filled your ears with it already, then the sound of Tay Tay saying “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” over and over again has probably squirmed its way into your head and is refusing to leave. It’s the worst kind of mind control. I want to go to North Woods (aka the Christmas restaurant) just so I can walk out of there while saying to myself “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” on a loop. That North Woods reference will only make sense to you if you’ve thrown peanut shells on the floor like an old-timey cowboy while dining at my favorite San Gabriel Valley gourmet emporium.
Taylor said on Twatter last night that “Out of the Woods” is not her next single. She released it because the song best represents her album “1989.” So expect her album to be filled with songs that sound like something Savage Garden wrote for the musical theater adaptation of a young adult romance novel. Tay told Rolling Stone in that ridiculous cover interview that “Out of the Woods” is about a relationship she struggled to get through. It’s obviously about Harry Styles and I’m guessing that Taylor struggled through that shit, because every time they did kissing stuff, his pucker was extra weak since all of his focus was on the screen of his phone as he texted his BFF Nick Grimshaw about the latest Topman collection. And this lyric:
Remember when you hit the brakes too soon/Twenty stitches in a hospital room.
That’s about a snowmobile accident Taylor and the dude were in. Damn you, paparazzi. You take approximately 2,345,678 pictures daily of Taylor Swift walking from her apartment building to an SUV and yet you fail to take 1 picture of her flying off of a snowmobile after Harry Styles “accidentally” hit the brakes too fast. You failed yourself. You failed us all.
And in totally related news, Harry Styles had the barfs in a major way the other day and he had to pull over on the 101 in L.A. to let it go. This picture was taken minutes after he found out that Taylor’s song about him was about to come out:
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) October 13, 2014
The good thing is that nobody had to hold Harry’s locks for him, because he already had his hair pulled by like you before doing your nightly beauty regimen.
If in her hands, she was also holding a baby pink cotton lunch bag full of the heart-shaped raspberry and pastel yellow marzipan tarts she baked in her mint-colored 1950s oven and a couple of restraining orders from ex-boyfriends, this would be the Swiftiest picture ever.
It seems like every single day, Taylor Swift’s Vintage Barbie-looking ass is always taking a stroll in front of the paps from the front door of her Manhattan apartment building to an SUV. When you’ve seen one set of pictures of Tay Tay dressed like Ann Taylor’s answer to Betty Draper or a pre-Goth panda Jenny Humphrey from Gossip Girl, you’ve seen them all. Taylor knows this, so during yesterday’s choreographed and staged photo-op stroll, she brought along an adorable guest star: her pussy Olivia Benson! Olivia Benson looks so confused and something tells me that isn’t the first time a pussy has been perplexed by something Taylor’s hand is doing. (That “joke” that just soared over your head was supposed to be a fap joke. The 10 gallons of coffee I inhaled obviously haven’t yet hit the pile of mashed neurons I call a brain.)
Watching a person hold a cat friend like it’s a dog friend is like watching a power bottom get boned by two 10 inch peens in a porn. It seems complicated, almost impossible and you assume that a lot of drugs were involved.
My mom has a cat who lets ANYONE (even strangers) hold him like he’s a dog. But that cat also loves chips and El Pollo Loco, so he’s a freak of nature. Olivia Benson and my mom’s cat must be cut from the same bizarre cloth. I am disappointed, though. While going through these pictures, I hoped that my eyes would land on a picture of Olivia Benson tearing Tay Tay’s wannabe Cher Horowitz outfit to shreds after getting spooked by the paps. Next time, Olivia Benson. Next time.