Come-to-life corn husk doll Taylor Swift became the guardian angel of indie artists yesterday when she burped up an open letter to Apple where she kicked at them for not paying artists during the 3-month free trial period of their new streaming service. Tay Tay wrote that she’s not biting at Apple for her, because she knows she’s got money falling out of her asshole, she’s doing it for the little guys! Tay Tay smeared blue paint on the right side of her face and screamed, “They can take our money, but they can’t take away our ability to write long ass open letters on Tumblr.” Well, I guess Apple doesn’t want to feel the strawberry-scented wrath of the Easy Bake Oven Brigade, because yesterday they announced that they heard Tay Tay and have decided to pay all artists during the 3-month free trial after all. TAY TAY’S IMPACT!
Apple is launching a new music streaming service called Apple Music on June 30. They’re making it free to use for three months. This is not sitting well with the girl who secretly paid to have the captain of the football team defecate in Katy Perry’s locker. Taylor Swift has declared herself the St. Angie of the music industry and opened the library on Apple via Tumblr.
I’m sure you are aware that Apple Music will be offering a free 3 month trial to anyone who signs up for the service. I’m not sure you know that Apple Music will not be paying writers, producers, or artists for those three months. I find it to be shocking, disappointing, and completely unlike this historically progressive and generous company.
Can you hear Apple’s head bitch Tim Cook raking his nails down his assistant’s face as he hisses with fury? He’s not going to say shit, though. He doesn’t want every B-list female celeb between the ages of 16 – 40 rounded up to star in a video about what an asshole he is.
Back in March, professional famous friend collector Taylor Swift was named the godmother of the baby growing inside Jaime King. And this weekend, she held up her end of the godmother deal by throwing a huge-ass baby shower and inviting all her famous friends to come and lavish attention on Taylor Swift…I mean, Jaime. It was totally about Jaime. I mean, it was clearly just a coincidence that Taylor got the coveted second-from-the-left spot in the picture above.
Just like Taylor Swift’s birthday party, Taylor Swift’s baby shower was packed full of famous people: Gigi Hadid, the Haim sisters, Hailee Steinfeld, Emma Roberts, Sarah Hyland and Joey King. Taylor also made sure to invite a couple of adults, like Jessica Alba, Nina Dobrev, Selma Blair, Diane Kruger, and Topher Grace, so that 36-year-old Jaime didn’t feel left out. Not present: Lorde and Ellie Goulding. Hmmm….
Taylor’s “I’m gonna be a godmother, bitches!” baby shower took place at Soho House in West Hollywood, which means that baby shower was already an expensive mess before the first exquisitely-wrapped present was placed on the gift table. And I’m sure all the best presents came from Tay Tay herself. Fuck a Bumbo and some burp cloths; that yet-to-be born baby probably took home a stroller glued together with the tears of her enemies, a framed plaque stating that a fancy breed of expensive cat has been named after it, the No. 3 spot on her best friends list, and the deed to a small island.
Here’s more from Jaime’s baby shower. There were so many famous people there, looking at the pictures is like playing Where’s Waldo, but instead of finding the dude in the striped sweater, you’re searching for the one non-famous normal person.
“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.
Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)
But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.
Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:
That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”
Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.
Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.
Welcome to round 4,239 of the never-ending high school lunchroom fight between 4-time self-appointed prom queen Taylor Swift, her former BFF and current wannabe parking lot bad girl Katy Perry, and the sleazy dude who should have graduated years ago but still continues to hang around the halls asking every girl who walks by “Wassup?” John Mayer. I know, it’s been entirely too long since the last one.
According to Heat (via Hollywood Life), John Mayer is helping Katy Perry write a song about their mutual enemy Taylor Swift in an attempt to get back at her for writing one about Katy. A “friend” of Katy’s – who I’ll pretend confessed all of this in the 2nd floor girls bathroom while taking a long drag off a cigarette she yanked from her mother’s purse – says:
“Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold. She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’, she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date.”
They went on to add that Katy is still mad that she didn’t get to go to the Billboard Music Awards and it’s all Tay Tay’s fault. Apparently John Mayer convinced her that shit might get awkward with living beige Crayola crayon and her fan club, so she skipped it.
Even though I’m sure Katy Perry and John Mayer have better things to do than write a mean girl diss track about Tay Tay (subtle suggestion), I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Since Katy Perry is violently allergic to subtlety, I’m going to assume it will be called “Tay-LIAR“, and the video will feature Katy Perry getting into a slap fight with a broom stick in a t-shirt that says I HEART CATS with a vintage purse stapled to it while John Mayer cheers her on.
Speaking of Katy Perry’s nemesis, here’s Tay Tay doing her daily fashion show walk for the paps earlier today:
The extra long Holly Hobbie doll who should be charged with grand theft for stealing Annette Funicello’s wardrobe has truly mastered the art of the pap stroll. Taylor Swift always makes sure that the paps get a clear shot of her fancy purse (which she probably got free), her Beach Blanket Ass Bingo outfit (which again, she probably got for free), her designer heels (again, for free) and her hand in her pieces’ hand. I see that someone has been taking night classes at Phoebe Price’s School Of How To Make The Most Out Of A Pap Strut. My only critique is that Tay Tay really should’ve touched her stomach at one point, because that would’ve given tabloid editors the perfect picture to use for their inevitable “Tay Tay’s Having A Bay Bay” cover.
Pap Stroll Barbie and Opportunist Ken went to eat things at a restaurant in NYC last night. They’ve been dating for a couple of months or so and Calvin Harris is well on his way to getting into the Guinness Book of World Records for being her longest-lasting piece. A source type tells Life & Style that Taylor and Calvin are moving really, really fast and that marriage talk isn’t that far away. It wouldn’t surprise me if they’re already talking weddings, because I bet Taylor serves her man a heart-shaped pancake with the words “I Wuv You” written on top in strawberry maple syrup the morning after their first sleepover. The source also says that Taylor’s friends are concerned or something, because they think that Calvin has some skanky skeletons in his closet and is pretending to be the perfect boyfriend.
“Calvin’s putting on a front now. He used to date a bunch of club girls who were nothing like Taylor. If they ever came forward, it would hurt Taylor’s brand. They are getting very serious, very fast. Taylor has already introduced Calvin to her parents.”
So, Calvin Harris doing some “club girls” is going to hurt Taylor’s brand? Taylor has been on humanized chlamydia strain John Mayer. If her “brand” can survive John Mayer, it can survive ANYTHING.
Here’s Taylor throwing a smug “Yes, bitch, I’m about to get that dick” look at the cameras last night. And yes, by “dick” I mean “spotted dick,” which Taylor and Calvin made before watching a Last of the Summer Wine marathon while snuggling under a handmade Union Jack throw. It was British night at Tay Tay’s place!
Taylor Swift Wants You To Know There Are Unfair “Double-Standards” When It Comes To Singing About Your Feelings
During a recent interview with Maxim magazine, who gave her the No. 1 spot on their Hot 100 list this year (and reused one of her greasy butterscotch runaway looks from November’s Wonderland for the cover), Taylor Swift was asked about feminism, specifically why she wants to talk about it all of a sudden. According to Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield’s long-lost triplet, feminism is important to her now because she’s tired of all the haters who continue to side-eye her for building a career out of turning her sad teen girl journal thoughts into several albums worth of catchy break-up songs while praising the dudes who are doing the same thing. Somewhere in a recording studio in Springfield, Kirk Van Houten just got very nervous.
Looking at this picture of Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris sharing an awkward “LOOK AT US!!! LOOK HOW IN LOVE WE ARE!!!” moment at the Billboard Music Awards last night made me instantly feel so sorry for all the adults who chaperoned my middle school dances. It’s enough to make me want to track them all down and hand-write apology letters.
So we already know that Taylor Swift needed a lot of attention at the Billboard Music Awards last night, so none of us should be surprised that she busted out some serious stunt queen moves by going in for a choreographed-looking kiss with the current boy she’s chasing before accepting the award for Top Album for 1989 (one of eight awards she ended up taking home last night). If you’ve ever wanted to see what it looks like when Taylor Swift mentally works through the instructions her PR coach gave her (“One and two and hand on neck and sugar and spice and everything nice“), here it is.
Good lord, they’re both so stiff; it’s like watching an invisible 6-year-old make Kevin plant one on Skipper. Also, chill out, you two – it’s just a Billboard award! No need for all the dramatics. But as hard as they tried, their awkward award show smooch couldn’t hold a candle to the original and best:
That’s it, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley at the 1994 MTV VMAs – show those two stunt queens how it’s done!
Here’s more of Tay Tay serving up some living Goetze’s Cow Tales realness before the show with four low-ranking soldiers of her famous friends army, and Calvin Harris, who sort of looks like the dude version of Taylor Swift, right?
During the past couple of weeks or so, Taylor Swift has pussy burped up poster after poster after poster of all the “characters” in her video for her song
This video is what would end up in the toilet if Brit Brit’s video for “Toxic” gorged itself on The Hunger Games and washed it down with a glass of Katy Perry’s tears mixed with Kill Bill before barfing. Taylor Swift plays some kind of spy who gets double-crossed by her fellow spy played by Selena Gomez. Tay Tay is about as threatening as a sedated ladybug in a tutu and her badass face look like “I’m constipated but trying to be sexy” Selena Gomez is slightly more threatening than a sedated ladybug in a tutu and she looks like she’s starring as Velma Kelly in a kindergarten production of Chicago. Behold:
If a 12-year-old girl with millions of dollars and access to a camera crew and a whole lot of leather catsuits made a fun video of her and her girlfriends playing “spies” during her slumber party, that is what that video would look like. With that being said, Cindy Crawford and Mariska Hargitay look hot.
In case you didn’t hear her clearly enough the last time she said it, Taylor Swift wants you to know that she sheds more tears than her collection of vintage Lost n’ Founds whenever some meany-mo jokes that she’s run through more dudes than a runaway Monster Energy truck in the parking lot of a Nickelback concert.
During an interview with Tavi Gevinson for this month’s issue of ELLE, Taylor – who is serving up Jerrica Benton‘s preppy Pennsylvania cousin in Party City Ziggy Stardust drag on that cover – admits once again that she’s not here for the snarky bitches who joke about her reputation as a perpetually-heartbroken boy-crazy bundle of butterscotch-dipped desperation. While talking about being in the same place as one of her exes for two weeks (London, which means the ex was probably elfin hipster Harry Styles) and not feeling anxious about it, Taylor says:
“The first thought that came to my mind was, I’m finally clean. I’d been in this media hailstorm of people having a very misconstrued perception of who I was. There were really insensitive jokes being made at awards shows by hosts; there were snarky headlines in the press—’Taylor Goes Through a Breakup: Well, That Was Swift!’—focusing on all the wrong things.”
I just pictured a sad-faced Taylor Swift returning home from an awards show, putting on Jann Arden’s “Insensitive“, and slow dancing with one of her pussies while she boo-hoos about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hurting her feewings. “Gawd Meredith, they act like I’ve dated half of Hollywood! A third maybe, but definitely not half.”
Here’s more of Tay Tay looking like a sexed-up department store mannequin in ELLE: