But while many sprained the muscles in their face from cringing over Tom Hiddleston’s self-absorbed acceptance speech, I nearly squirted out a tear over how he and Taylor Swift didn’t make it past the contract renegotiation stage. I learned last night that they are really perfect for each other. They both seem to love a shameless photo-op and they both have a gift for making absolutely everything about them. They really were a match made in ME ME ME HELL.
Taylor Swift just managed to dispel my long-held belief that all her fans are 13-year-old girls. Sure, most of them are. But apparently there’s a 96-year-old pepaw out there who shakes his replacement hips to Shake It Off. And today he’s making all the other senior Swifty fans at Shady Pines jealous.
If you have a cat, you may have been wondering why your pussy spent a piece of yesterday bowing down to the broomstick you keep in the corner in your kitchen. That was your cat’s way of paying homage to the American Cat Lady Queen and yodeling broomstick Taylor Swift on the 27th anniversary of her birth.
Taylor turned 27 yesterday and while her squad covered her with air kisses on social media (because they’re contractually obligated to) and companies like Rent-A-Famous-Boyfriend gave thanks to the existence of their most loyal client, her ex-piece John Mayer probably shit on her. And according to blind items, not in the way he usually likes to shit on a chick.
Pictured: Taylor, Zayn and a traumatized pussy doing an impersonation of your eardrums while listening to their new duet.
Last night, Taylor Swift surprised her fans when she twatted a 30-second clip of the song that she and Zayn Malik yodeled out for the Fifty Shits Darker soundtrack. Taylor and Zayn doing a song for Fifty Shits is the new definition of “WUT?” for a lot of people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Judging by the trailers and the first dried turd nugget of a movie, Fifty Shits Darker looks about as hot and sexy as a bag of freezer-burnt succotash, so it’s completely on brand and 100% fitting for Taylor Swift to do a song for it. It’s a perfect fit!
Since AT&T acquired both DIRECTV and Time-Warner, it’s clear that they’re plotting domination in the U.S. and it looks like part of their domination plan includes bringing us, the people, to our knees and subduing our senses. And their new all Taylor Swift channel is going to do just that.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and while ~some~ of us were fighting off the meat sweats, Taylor Swift was taking a time out from writing “Mrs. Wheelchair Jimmy” on her notebooks to post a Mannequin Challenge with some of her fellow middle school Cool Kids.