I honestly thought yesterday’s Yeezy Season 3 show would end with everyone emptying onto the floor of Madison Square Garden and pressing $100 bills into the hands of those sad-looking models while whispering “I don’t know what brought you here, but I’m sorry you had to do this. Take this – I hope this helps.” Instead, it ended with the beginning of another goddamned feud between Kanye West and Taylor Swift.
Shortly after Kanye played one of his new songs “Famous“, in which he said the words “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.“, during his $2000 Pantyhose Ego Spectacular, Taylor’s brother Austin got it all started by angrily throwing out his Yeezy Boost sneakers on Instagram. Which was followed by members of Taylor’s friend army, like Gigi Hadid and Ruby Rose, chiming in on Twitter. Now Kanye has hopped on Twitter to let you all know that Taylor totally gave him the thumbs-up to call her a bitch and that they might hump. In fact, according to Kanye, it was all her idea.
The junior high school quad fight between Kanye West and Taylor Swift started up again today at the booty hole lothario’s Yeezy season 3 show when he played a song called “Famous” from his new album. In that song (which also features RiRi and Swizz Beatz), he blows an air kiss at Tay Tay with the lyric, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.”
As Taylor sat under a giant oak tree in her backyard furiously writing a Kanye diss track on a Disney Princesses notepad with an ice cream cone pen, her younger brother Austin Swift posted an Instagram video of him throwing away the ugly sneakers Kanye designed. Dude really showed him!
As an environmentalist and humanitarian, that video really pisses me off. How can his ass waste those perfectly good (but hideous as shit) sneakers? I’ll gladly take them from him and either recycle them or give them to a homeless person who could use them. Actually, giving those ugly ass things to a homeless person would be wrong and offensive. So, I’ll recycle them then and by recycle I don’t mean* “put them on eBay because I know some crazy will spend a whole lot of cash on the worn Yeezys that Tay Tay’s brother dumped in the trash after Kanye said a meanie about her.”
And if your eye rolling muscle has been feeling a little flabby lately and you’ve been meaning to work it out, this tweet from Taylor Swift’s main hanger-on Jaime King should help with you that:
I'm so sad right now & disappointed right now. I stand by my sister. Always.
— Jaime King (@Jaime_King) February 12, 2016
* Yes, I do
At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
“Cause the players gonna play play play play play…my game, because nobody wanted to play yours. Tee hee! Sorry ’bout it!”
Taylor Swift, the world’s wealthiest Willow Tree figurine, is about to get a hell of a lot richer. And no, it’s not because she’s got a pre-Valentine’s Day Etsy copyright infringement lawsuit binge planned this weekend. Variety says that Glu Mobile, the people responsible for Kim Kardashian’s mobile game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, are developing a mobile game about Taylor Swift.
No doubt this news is making every 13-year-old girl in America scream like its Swiftmas™ Eve, but there’s one 13-year-old girl who is screaming for a whole other reason. And that person is the 13-year-old Lisa Frank-obsessed girl trapped in the body of a 31-year-old woman that is Katy Perry. According to BuzzFeed, one of the reasons why Glu Mobile is developing a game around Taylor Swift is because the game they made about Katy Perry, Katy Perry Pop, was a total flop. Apparently nobody wanted to drain their data plan doing whatever the hell Katy Perry is describing below.
Glu Mobile’s CFO recently said Katy’s game was one of their “biggest disappointments” from last year. And now they’re replacing her game with one starring her sworn enemy. Taylor Swift just gave the marketing team at Glu at standing ovation for their lack of subtlety.
Glu has released zero details about Tay Tay’s game, but I’m going to assume it will probably have something to do with becoming a member of her sugar cookie princess squad. But since Taylor is all about that money, and Glu is all about those in-app purchases, they’re going to have to find a way to rig the game so that players never actually make it that far. Which, now that I think of it, should be pretty easy. “This game is so frustrating. It won’t let me level up to Please Welcome To The Stage because it says I’m not a six-foot-tall supermodel.”
While dead-eyed drop of lukewarm tap water Kendull Jenner and Gymboree’s answer to Mick Jagger Harry Styles cuddled for the paps in St. Barts, Taylor Swift premiered the video for the song she supposedly wrote about him even though they had one of those short-term contracts.
That shifty troll frog Ryan Seacrest premiered the video on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve last night, but I’m just getting around to posting it now, because I’ve been traveling today and my laptop shut the hell down when I tried to watch it again at the airport. That was a sign.
The video for “Out Of The Woods” was shot in New Zealand and a bunch of environmental activists got mad at Taylor’s ass, because her crew drove their cars near a spot on the beach where the nests of endangered birds are. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of a dozen shrieking endangered birds screaming at those bitches to get away from their asses. But then again, that could just be Tay Tay’s singing voice.
If The Chronicles of Narnia was re-written as a cheesy young adult romance novel by Stephenie Meyer, the trailer for the movie version of it would look this video. TayTay runs from CGI wolves, she shows off her junior high school theater acting skills and she turns into some kind of tree that you just want to chop down. And she does all of that while wearing a dress that’s really similar to the dress she wore when she broke up with Harry Styles and took a boat ride for one to LonelyBitchVille. Subtle.
And tattoo artists everywhere better be ready to say, “Um, I’m going to need to see your ID,” because hundreds of 12-year-old Tumblr girls are going to come in to try to get “She Lost Him But She Found Herself” tattooed on their tramp stamp area.
For those of you thinking “What in the ever-loving hell is a Swiftmas“, allow me to explain: it’s a made-up word that might soon get your ass sued into the poor house by Taylor Swift’s team of trademark lawyers if you dare utter it. Even though Tay Tay’s monthly bank statements read “Current Balance: $$$RICH AS FUCK“, UsWeekly says the world’s wealthiest American Girl doll has gone ahead and decided to trademark some more words.
According to a blog called Tantalizing Trademarks (which totally sounds like a burlesque club for patent attorneys), Tay Tay’s people have applied for trademarks for the words “Swiftmas“, “Blank Space“, “And I’ll Write Your Name“, “A Girl Named Girl“, and “1989“. Good lord, you know your Get Money Game is out of control when you try to trademark a year. While we’re still allowed to talk about it without receiving an angry cease-and-desist letter, Swiftmas is the annual holiday tradition where Taylor Swift creeps on a bunch of her fans and puts together Christmas presents for them. And now their Swiftmas gifts will come with a legal document about trademark violation taped to the top of the box and directions to the nearest notary public.
If the trademark office stamps APPROVED on Tay Tay’s list, they’ll join her collection of trademarked phrases, which includes her name, “T. S.“, “Party Like It’s 1989“, “Cause We Never Go Out Of Style”, “Could Show You Incredible Things“, “Nice To Meet You. Where You Been?“, and the most cringeworthy jewel in her Pretty Pretty Princess crown, “This Sick Beat.”
That is so many goddamn words. When will it end? You’re right, it never will. It’s only a matter of time before Tay Tay owns the rights to so many phrases that we’re forced to cut her a check every time we open our mouths. Here’s the future owner of 1/25th of the words in the dictionary arriving from Australia at LAX last night.
Adele’s new album (aka the only album that matters in the world) and single came out after the deadline for Grammy nominations (September 30, 2015), so she didn’t get not a one nomination this morning. I’m surprised the Grammy bitches didn’t start a new category, Best New Masterpiece Album By Adele That Missed The Deadline But Deserves All Of The Awards Anyway, just for her ass this year. Adele’s Grammy year is next year. The good news is that the 2017 Grammys will be 5 minutes long instead of 500 hours long. The 5-minute-long ceremony will be nothing but shots of workers with wheelbarrows dumping dozens of Grammys onto Adele’s front yard.
This year, Kendrick Lamar is the overlord of the Grammy nominations with 11, including Album of the Year for “To Pimp A Butterfly” (which sounds like the title of a hooker movie starring Mariah Carey). The Weeknd and Taylor Swift got the second most nominations with 7. My thoughts are with the people around Tay Tay who nearly broke every muscle and nerve in their eyeballs while resisting the urge to bust out an eye roll as the nominations came out and she screamed, “Oh my golly gee, this NEVER happens to little ole’ me!”
While looking at the nominations this morning, I had to stop and run my fingers over to dictionary.com after I got to Best New Artist. I had to check to see if the definition of “new” changed, because Meghan Trainor was nominated for Best New Artist. But it turns out that “All About That Bass” only came out last year and her album came out this year. It just feels like her music has been terrorizing our eardrums for centuries.
All of the Grammy nominations are here. I threw up a lot of them after the cut. My comment about the nominations in each category is: Call the police, the FBI, President Obama and Detective La Toya, because Glorianna Galicia was wrongly robbed!
A Bunch Of Endangered Bird Nests Almost Got Trampled During A Taylor Swift Video Shoot In New Zealand
Because Taylor Swift has made it her life goal to be the closest thing we have to a real-life Disney princess, I naturally assumed that meant she was BFFs with the world’s most adorable animals. Yes, only the adorable ones; just like her sugar cookie squad, you have to be cute to get a membership card. (Sorry spiders and that disgusting fish that looks like Ziggy).
But apparently that’s not true! According to BBC News, a bunch of tiny adorable endangered birds in New Zealand almost found themselves homeless this week after Tay Tay decided to film a music video on the beach where they nest. “I can relate” said Ian McKellen. New Zealand conservationists are claiming that birdie homes belonging to the New Zealand dottorel (also known as the New Zealand plover) were at risk of being destroyed after the crew responsible for working on Tay Tay’s new video, Cherokee Films, drove too many trucks onto Bethells Beach during filming. Apparently they had a permit for two, but witnesses claim there were at least a dozen ripping through the tiny bird-sized streets of Plover Place.
ONE News New Zealand got a picture during Taylor’s video shoot, and I don’t see any trucks. Then again, I don’t see any birds, either, so who knows? Maybe the birds and the trucks are having a rumble behind the honey wagon.
— ONE News (@ONENewsNZ) November 23, 2015
Cherokee Films has since released a statement saying that Tay Tay and her management team aren’t at fault for this mess, and had no involvement in planning where on the beach the video would be shot. They also claim they didn’t hurt any birdies or violate any permits.
Even though none of the plover nests got crushed during filming, Cherokee Films announced they were going to make a donation to the dottorel/plover breeding program. Too late, Cherokee Films! I’m sure Tay Tay has already started planning how to “please welcome…” all those birds to the stage to help her drag your ass through song.
That Saturday Night Live skit spoke the damn truth. Everybody from your racist auntie to your grandma lives, breathes, eats, snorts, injects, butt chugs and inhales Adele, because pretty much everybody bought her new album. If you didn’t buy it, you probably feel the same way I felt on the first day of the 3rd grade when every brat showed up with British Knights on their feet and I showed up with generic brand Vans. Billboard says that *NSYNC’s 2000 album No Strings Attached used to hold the single week sales record until Adele came along and slapped the curl right out of Justin Timberlake’s glorious caramel popcorn hair. Adele beat the record in a little over 3 days.
Seen above looking like she’s pondering the meaning of life while taking a post-shower caca (and yes, if she recorded her post-shower caca noises, it’d go straight to #1 on all the charts), Adele did a cover interview with Rolling Stone where she talks about being a mom, squads, her love of RiRi and how she regrets working with Damon Albarn of Blur after he publicly called her ass “insecure” and said her new stuff is “middle of the road.” I’ve thrown up some choice quotes after the cut, but you can read the entire thing here. It’s pretty charming, so if you’re an Adeleloonie, you’ll want to marry it and then heartlessly break up with it the next day so you can squirt out tears while listening to that “Hello” song for the billionth time.