Last month, people started whispering that the romance between Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney had gone bad (almost as bad as that joke). Not too long after, Gaga tapped the metaphorical mic and announced that it wasn’t bad, just stale enough to be taking a break. Gaga explained she didn’t know what was going to happen to them, but that she believed they were soulmates and hoped they could work it out. Taylor, on the other hand, appears to be a whole lot less que sera, sera about the whole thing.
Yesterday, everyone reported that Lady Gaga’s relationship with Taylor Kinney was as dead as her dream of hearing her name called out by Anthony Anderson during the Emmy nominations. They were done! Over! The tacky engagement ring was off! And a blind item may have been solved! Last night, Lady Gaga hopped on Instagram to confirm the news herself, except she had just one teensy little correction to make. Their love isn’t 100% dead, it’s just in a coma.
Gaga took a break from her Mexican vacation to post a black and white picture of herself and Taylor looking like a a couple of hipster Precious Moments figurines with a caption about how they’re “soulmates.” It’s very ‘soap opera character talking to themselves in a mirror’, which is pretty much what I’d expect from Gaga. For full effect, wipe a thin layer of Vaseline over your screen and throw on the theme from Love Story.
Taylor and I have always believed we are soulmates. Just like all couples we have ups and downs, and we have been taking a break. We are both ambitious artists, hoping to work through long-distance and complicated schedules to continue the simple love we have always shared. Please root us on. We’re just like everybody else and we really love each other.
I, for one, can completely relate to that. I’m currently in a long-distance relationship with the Cheesecake Factory. I don’t know why Canadians love that shit, we just do. I’ve been in love with them from the very first second that artery-clogging sweet cheese hit my lips. Sadly, the closest location to me requires a $500 plane ticket and a few days off work. The last time I saw them was two months ago. Sure, I can eat a President’s Choice frozen cheesecake at home, but it’s just not the same. Thinking about it almost makes me cry. If I’m getting this sentimental over crappy cheesecake, I can only imagine how it feels for Gaga and Taylor. Getting regular pussy and dick is right up there with cheesecake.
This will be very sad news for anyone who was waiting with anticipation to see what kind of busted bridal-style nonsense Lady Gaga would bring to her wedding. On the plus side, I’m sure we’ll all be happy to read some news about a famous person named Taylor that isn’t about Taylor Swift. After five years together, TMZ says that Lady Gaga and her fiancé Taylor Kinney are over. Gaga split with Taylor before she got married to him? How very un-Madonna of her.
Sources say Gaga and Taylor called it quits earlier this month, but can’t say who dumped who. TMZ says Gaga sort-of subtly confirmed she was un-engaged last week by strutting around Malibu without the giant swap meet-looking engagement ring Taylor gave her on Valentine’s Day in 2015. Gaga is currently in Cabo San Lucas and TMZ says she’s been seen without her ring there too.
Gaga and Taylor met on the set of the video for “You and I” back in 2011. They share two French bulldogs, Koji and Miss Asia Kinney, and a “But why???“-worthy post-sex nude cover for V magazine.
Neither Gaga nor Taylor have said anything about this yet. Taylor seems like a quiet type, so I don’t know if we should expect him to say much about this situation. Gaga, on the other hand. I’m actually a little shocked she didn’t announce the news herself by stepping out of her apartment wearing a cape made from torn-up wedding invitations and a bikini made from moldy wedding cake samples with glittery blue tears painted on her face.
UsWeekly is also confirming that Gaga and Taylor are over. No word on who the source of this information is. My guess is the press were tipped off by that engagement ring, and it did it for revenge. And I don’t blame it. I’d spill the tea too if Gaga left my ass at home in a boring old jewelry box while she went and partied it up in Cabo. Rings deserve a vacation too, Gaga!
Lady Gaga’s birthday is today and she celebrated the anniversary of her 30th year alive this past weekend by throwing herself a big party in L.A. that brought out bright shining A-list stars like Lisa Vanderpump, Asslee Simpson, Evan Ross and Lisa Rinna and low-rent has-beens like Taylor Swift and Kate Hudson. While working a painted-up face that screamed Clown School Carol Channing, CaCa strolled into her birthday party with her man Taylor Kinney, and everybody should’ve been screaming for the police since she obviously stole a dress out of the closet of Bette Midler’s Big Business character. But people weren’t doing that, because they were too busy staring at what looked like a wedding band on her finger.
When that hot piece of panty cream-inducing hotness Taylor Kinney and CaCa got engaged two Februaries ago, he gave her a heart-shaped diamond engagement ring. On Saturday night, she switched out that Mariah Carey kidney stone-looking ass ring for a plain gold band. So some think that Taylor Kinney is now officially Lord CaCa, because they got secret married.
I don’t know…..
If Lady CaCa gets married in a ceremony that isn’t televised to this planet and others, and doesn’t feature a wedding dress made out of live white doves, vows done entirely in a language created just for them, a 15-hour-long performance art piece by Marina Abramović and a first dance where little people dressed up as cherubs barf glitter-infused metallic paint on them, did Lady CaCa really get married at all? I think not!
Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
Somewhere, Kanye West is internally raging while punching his head because he’s mad at his brain for not coming up with this idea. He wishes he would’ve been the first celebrity mess to have his post-fuck selfie on the cover of a magazine. No, his post-fuck selfie wouldn’t have been with Kim Kartrashian. It would’ve been with his mirror after he jacked off all over it.
Lady CaCa was the guest editor of V Magazine’s pre-Spring issue. The issue is $50 (!!!!) and all profits will go to her Born This Way Foundation. Gaga decided to do 16 covers for the issue and many of them feature her face including this one of her and her piece Taylor Kinney posing naked for a selfie after boning on a canvas. Gaga explained the making of their fuck juices art piece and as expected, it’s pretension covered in eye roll fuel:
“We made love on this canvas on a Sunday in Chicago. We made love amidst chaos. We talked about shootings. We made love amidst terrorism. And we talked about how people’s hearts are also suffering all over the world as they watch and witness a swell of violence. We made love amidst violence.
I could not complete the covers of this issue without relinquishing one to an important cause. Taylor and I talk all the time about our unique existence on this earth. How can we use our creativity to heal people? Since we first met, Taylor’s been painting and drawing all over me. Years ago, when we were secretly living in San Diego and crashing on the floor of a beach shack, we never wore shoes. He told me he wanted to make love to me on a canvas. And though he made many murals on my body in the wee, small hours of our stoked, gypsy mornings with our friends, for whatever reason we never got around to it.”
So basically, they do a lot of Ecstasy, right?
That sounds tiring. I mean, most of us probably just want to get it in good and then cuddle with our piece while watching HGTV as we eat cold fried chicken together. But Gaga and Taylor are fucking on paint and taking post-sex selfies and between all of that they’re talking about shootings and sadness. Who in the hell talks about shootings in between boning? That is some not right dirty talk.
But seriously, I hope this doesn’t give Hollywood’s premiere performance artiste Shia LaBeouf any ideas, because we really don’t need portraits painted with his dick cheese.
Pics: V Magazine