Cutesy celebrity wagers are pretentious and annoying but when said wager requires me to scan pictures of Tom Hardy’s biceps on a Wednesday morning, I can let it slide. In 2016, Tom Hardy said that he and his The Revenant co-star Leonardo Dicaprio made a bet about whether or not he’d get an Oscar nomination for getting all ornery and ugly in the film. Leonardo bet that Tom would get an Oscar nom, and Tom thought the opposite. And instead of ruining a man’s life for a single dollar like normal millionaires, Tom and Leo’s bet involved actual flesh and blood.
Scarlett Johansson has some of my favorite celebrity tattoos. She’s got a weird sunset that looks kind of like a sticker you might pick out of a prize bucket at the dentist. She’s got a NYC charm bracelet that looks more like a dirty shark tooth. She’s got a janky horseshoe on her torso. She’s got a sleeping lamb or something? She might have just gotten a new tattoo that, if it could talk, would tell all her other tattoos to step aside because they’re no longer the most random thing on ScarJo’s body.
After Demi Lovato attended the Time 100 Gala in New York City on Tuesday night, Entertainment Tonight says she got a lion face tattooed onto her hand. Personally, if I had just spent a good part of my evening wrapped in Spanx and walking around in heels that make my feet wish they could Red Shoes themselves, the last thing I’d want to do is inflict any more pain on myself. But Demi is clearly stronger or stupider than me, and she ended her night by getting a huge hand tattoo.
Just like Justin Bieber, Chris Brown is on a quest to cover his body in as many random tattoos as possible. Well, it appears that he’s gone ahead and added another piece to his collection, and this time it’s a portrait of his 2-year-old daughter, Royalty Brown. Ah, the toddler portrait tattoo; the sophisticated second cousin to the infant footprints.
The Daily Mail says that early this morning, Chris Brown threw up the picture you see above to Instagram, followed by a picture of his shoulder with a not-finished portrait of Royalty on it. Not long after, he grabbed a bottle of Spray nine and scrubbed any trace of said pictures from his Instagram. So basically, that’s what I mean when I say he might have gotten a tattoo of his daughter. We can’t really confirm it, since the Instagram proof no longer exists. But of course, some people managed to grab a copy before he deleted them. This is what Chris Brown’s new tattoo of his daughter allegedly looks like.
That little speck next to Justin Bieber’s eye isn’t a mole, or a tick thirsty for his douche blood or a tiny splatter of caca that ended up on his face while his au pair changed his diaper. It’s his newest unholy work of tattoo art.
The Biebs posted that Emo picture on his Instagram last night, and since his crazed followers have memorized everything about him, they instantly spotted that new drop of ink on his mug. UsWeekly says that Justin added a new tattoo to his collection of ink art, which includes that sassy Jesus tattoo and his fapping knight tattoo. The source says that on Friday night, the Biebs and Joe Termini, the Jimbo Jones to his Nelson Muntz, got matching cross tattoo just below their eyes at the West 4th Tattoo Parlor in NYC.
That thing is so tiny, and I would make a joke about how that’s probably what Selena Gomez said the first time they got naked, but sadly, my eyeballs know that’s not true. But really, if you’re going to get a face tattoo, get a face tattoo. Don’t half-ass that shit. Go full Gucci Mane. That tiny cross tattoo just makes him look like a cholo altar boy. I bet that tiny cross tattoo wasn’t his first choice. I bet that he really wanted to show everyone how much of a badass he is by getting a teardrop tattoo, but even he knows he hasn’t earned one yet. Don’t worry, Biebs, when you get a perfect score on the Whac-A-Mole game at Boomer’s, you’ll be able to get that teardrop tattoo. Because you’ll officially be the most ruthless and hardest toddler at the arcade.
And here’s Biebs looking a mess in NYC on Friday night.
“I dunno, looks about right to me” shrugged Rihanna.
We’ll get to that truly busted tattoo in a second. First we need to know what led us to this tragic place. And it all begins shortly after Iggy Azalea went on a Twitter rant about the name “Becky.” On Tuesday, Iggy Azalea slapped at everyone pointing fingers and trying to figure out who “Becky with the good hair” is by declaring that calling someone a “Becky” is hateful and racist against blowjob-giving white girls. It wasn’t very long before Twitter slapped back and reminded Iggy that she’s guilty of using the B-word herself. Eventually, Iggy’s fiance Nick Young jumped in and shared his thoughts on the matter.