Tyler Perry’s Acrimony may have been described as “A ludicrously scattershot drama in which overwrought feminine rage, diary-of-a-mad-woman craziness, and inept filmmaking are all but inseparable”, but I doubt 47-year-old Taraji P. Henderson is too pressed about that right now. She just got engaged to her boyfriend of 2 years, 34-year-old former NFL player Kelvin Hayden.
Sorry guys, watches are cancelled. Clocks too (wall, desk, alarm, grandfather, cuckoo, all of them). Better go ahead smash your cell phone screen too while you’re at it because we will never have to look it them again. Taraji P. Henson made them all obsolete when she dressed for the premiere of her new Tyler Perry movie Acrimony and said “You know what, let me roll up in here wearing a suede bathrobe and let all this mother fuckers know what time it is”.
I really did plotz when I saw these pictures. Taraji poses like a beast! She’s got power pose after power pose on lock. The “who me?”, blam! The “this old thing?”, blam! The “You could never”, blam! The “Not today Satan!”, blam, blam! The “I’m gonna tear you up and spit you out, but fashion“, blam, blam, blam! Honestly, how dare she. When I try to pose it’s more like; “Potato”!, “Potato”! “Potato”! “Yam”! Tariji is daring you to find a flaw and if you do, it’s something wrong with your eyes, Sweetie.
I don’t normally go in for Tyler Perry’s “morality tale” movies but I might have to make an exception for this one. It looks more like a horror movie with Taraji running around looking like a sexy, wronged shark. I wouldn’t be too surprised if you told me that suede robe was made out of the bleached hide of a trifling man.
Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.
If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my plastic recyclables from my paper.
Let’s Just Go With “Yes, Cookie Lyon Totally Took A Subtle Shit On Ryan Seacrest On The Oscars Red Carpet” (UPDATE)
There were only 3 reasons to watch the E! Oscars red carpet tonight:
- To work out your cringing muscles from watching and listening to Giuliana Rancic, who looked like Zombie Elsa from Frozen, and Ryan Seacrest blabber out manufactured bullshit as though they care.
- You have a serious kind of insomnia and needed something to bore you into mimi times.
- To get high from the smoke blowing out of alleged sexual harassing animatronic troll Ryan Seacrest as he gets read by someone for being an alleged sexual harassing animatronic troll.
I watched for the third reason, and Taraji P. Henson may have given it to us in a subtle way.
It seems like the rumor about publicists keeping their clients away from Ryan like he was carbs was true. Many of the nominees didn’t stop for him, and I kept waiting for the producers to put Giuliana in a Margot Robbie wig and force her to do an Australian accent so they’d have something. But then along came Taraji P. Henson who delivered a line to Ryan that has made some people ask, “Did Cookie Lyon just shade Ryan Seacrest so hard that his bronzer melted off his face?” Even if she didn’t mean to, I’m going with: FUCK YES. Cookie Lyon always knows what she’s saying.
Ryan asked Taraji about Mary J. Blige, whose performance she introduced at the Oscars tonight. While staring right at him with a “Bitch, you gonna get it one of these days” smile on her face, she said:
“You know, the universe has a way of taking care of the good people. You know what I mean?”
Now that is shade. So subtle and smooth that the trick in charge of E!’s alleged 30-second delay didn’t know what hit them.
And a millisecond later, Ryan’s dermatologist scheduled him in for an emergency Botox appointment later tonight because they knew he’d need once since Cookie just gave him some new wrinkles.
UPDATE: Taraji tells People that her comments were twisted, and she supports him:
“I did it to keep his chin up. It’s an awkward position to be in. He’s been cleared but anyone can say anything.”
DAMN YOU, COOKIE! Couldn’t you have just let us believe you were putting a curse on that diabolical gnome?!
Holy shit Taraji just put a curse on Ryan Seacrest ? pic.twitter.com/GSknn3NozF
— Sara Jean Hughes (@sarajeanhughes) March 5, 2018
Here’s a really scary idea that is also terrible. Deadline reports that Paramount Players is going to remake the already terrifying Nancy Meyers movie What Women Want starring Mel Gibson, only this time it’s gender reversed and stars Taraji P. Henson and is called What Men Want!
But in Backdoor Farrah’s defense, she’d look like an embarrassing and desperate mess even if she didn’t show up to the MTV Movie & TV Awards in a costume found in the section marked “For Trashy Attention Whores Who Want Quick Attention” at the Haus of Cultural Appropriation.