Category: Tales From The One Percent

Mariah Carey Could Never Survive In The Real World With Us Peasants

February 22, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s been almost two months since Mariah Carey’s now-iconic bomb of a performance in Times Square, and most have moved on and the only time anyone ever really thinks about it is when they see it at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where it’s currently on display in the American Masterpieces Collection (no, it’s not, but it should be). But the glittery fart that Mimi dropped on New Year’s Eve is still on the minds of Rolling Stone and Mimi herself. And I’m glad it is, because when she talked about it with Rolling Stone, her butterfly mouth produced several verbal jewels, like how she’d die if she stepped into reality.

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Johnny Depp Is Living That Opulent Wine Hobo Life

February 1, 2017 / Posted by:

While many of us feel like a regular Zsa Zsa Gabor when we sip Cupcake Prosecco out of a family heirloom (aka a plastic champagne flute taken from your cousin’s wedding), one percenters like Johnny Depp won’t even open their guzzle holes for a bottle of wine that costs less than $1,000.

Johnny is currently in the middle of a $25 million lawsuit against his ex-business managers for allegedly defrauding his ass out of tens of millions of dollars. Johnny’s ex-money management company, The Management Group, spit back at him with a counter-lawsuit that claims they didn’t fuck away his millions, he did. Page Six says that the lawsuit from TMG claims that Johnny blew through $2 million a month and that includes his monthly wine bill of $30,000. All that fancy wine! Johnny’s piss can probably get a 95-point review from Wine Spectator. If he really needs cash, he can charge for wine tastings on his dick. I mean, it shoots out expensive wine and is probably covered with fromage and a sticky substance that can easily pass for fig jelly.

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More Words Of Potent Wisdom From Tom Ford: He Still Thinks All Dudes Should Bottom Once

December 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Fresh off from looking Melania Trump up and down before saying that he’d never dress her because she’s simply not his image, Tom Ford has opened up his brain to GQ and released thought bubbles on everything from puppies dying to his son’s tacky shoes to the abomination that is sweatpants to how men truly aren’t woke until their buttholes are awoken by a hard dick (or a dildo). And thanks to that last one, Professor Tom Ford has just replaced Professor Megan Fox as my favorite brain fart producer.

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Well, At Least One American Thinks We’re Living In An “Exciting” Time

November 21, 2016 / Posted by:

Pictured: Goopy Paltrow doing an impersonation of her vagina after it gets steamed for too long.

While many, many Americans are scared as fuck and seriously thinking about grabbing several economy-sized bottles of vodka from Costco and going off to the mountains to hibernate in a cave for the next four years, Goopy Paltrow’s rich lady eyeballs are sparkling from the excitement of it all. Our Lady Of $950 Baby Wipes took part in a Q&A at the Airbnb Open in Los Angeles on Saturday, and since every conversation nowadays leads to talking about the election, her conversation lead to talking about the election.

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Kanye West Had All Of His New Fancy Furniture Banished From His Sight!

November 7, 2016 / Posted by:

Since Kanye West’s fashion line is full of overpriced minimalist zombie rags, I figured that his interior design aesthetic is the same and his house is as empty as his sense of humbleness and the only thing in there is a $980,000 custom-made Northern White Rhino suede sectional that’s been distressed with holes made by specially-trained Luna moths. But apparently, Kanye’s house was filled with a bunch of really expensive furniture until one day he sashayed in, felt the sting in his eyes from the ugliness of it all and did what you did when you watched his video for Famous: HEAVED!

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Even Peter Brant Jr.’s Lawyer Thinks He’s An “Idiot”

March 25, 2016 / Posted by:

“Just when I thought I was going to be able to leave for St. Lucia for the Easter holiday early, this drunk twat had to fuck up again,” – the lawyer in that picture, probably.

Peter Brant Jr. is the 22-year-old spoiled rich kid socialite son of Stephanie Seymour and billionaire Peter Brant, and you may know him best from those touching pictures of him getting a boner while hugging on his mom in St. Barts or that Vanity Fair piece that took insufferableness (and hilariousness) to new levels. Well, Peter Brant solidified his title as the Conrad Hilton of the East Coast on Wednesday night when he was arrested for allegedly going off on Port Authority cops while waiting to board a JetBlue flight to West Palm Beach, FL at JFK in NYC. You know, you too would probably bust into a cunt meltdown if daddy made you fly JetBlue instead of getting you a private plane. Instead of arresting him, those cops should’ve prayed for Peter for having to endure the struggle of flying on JetBlue!!

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