March, 12, 2019: The day that the definition of random was redefined with a story about a college admissions ESCANDALO involving Lynette Scavo (real name: Felicity Huffman) and Aunt Becky (real name: Lori Loughlin). This Desperate Housewives/Full House crossover where Lynette Scavo and Aunt Becky share a jail cell after getting taken away from their homes in handcuffs for allegedly paying bribes to get their children into college IS the weirdest reboot ever.
NBC News says that Felicity and Lori are among 40 who were indicted in a college entrance exam cheating scheme. They were both charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services fraud. Cut to Aunt Becky’s TV husband Uncle Jesse letting out a “HAVE MERCY!” over having to bail her alleged cheating ass out.
When us regular bitches want to get revenge on an ex, we have to do time-consuming shit like wait until they’ve watched the second to the last episode of House of Cards before canceling the Netflix account of ours they still use. Or replace their fapping lotion of choice with extra-strengh Nair. But when a moneybags bitch wants to get revenge on an ex, he just has to command one of his assistants to get a humongous picture of him and new piece plastered onto the almost-home of his ex . That’s exactly what billionaire developer Harry Macklowe did. Harry splattered a picture of him with his fiancee on a Park Avenue building that his ex was trying to live in. Sure, that’s level 8 petty, but Harry could’ve gone to level 10 petty by splattering a picture of him and his fiancee onto a building across from where his ex lives. Although, that would’ve done wonders for his ex’s bowels since she would’ve been inspired to drop a turd every time she stared at his giant face.
I regularly dream of Prince Hot Ginge being in a fairy tale. Specifically, being in this fairy’s tail. So this is not the fairy tale starring PHG I had in mind. This is a sad one, and made the impossible happen. It made actual wet tears trickle out of my once barren crying ducts. Picture it: sad Prince Hot Ginge sitting on a $40,000 Chippendale chair as a lucky minion uses a $600 Irish linen handkerchief to carefully dab the hot ginger tears on his cheeks while he sorrowfully looks out of the window and sings a sad, acoustic version of When Will My Life Begin from Tangled. Because according to some royal expert, PHG feels like he’s living in a prison. Yes, an opulent gilded prison with maids and cooks and a golden 17th century bidet that used to power-wash King George II’s nethers. But still, a prison! Weep for him!
While North West has to suffer through her tragic excuse of a wannabe stylist daddy, Kanye West, dressing her in overpriced mass-produced rags from her mom’s stupid children’s clothing line, Blue Ivy Carter is sipping sparkling mangosteen juice from a Baccarat crystal juice box as a REAL stylist shows her sketches of opulent gowns done exclusively for her by high fashion designers. If Blue Ivy is ever feeling charitable, she can send the other children of millionaire celebrities the location of the Salvation Army she donates her couture gowns to after wearing them once.
If you’ve seen Barbra Streisand’s Netflix concert special Barbra: The Music… The Mem’ries… The Magic!, then you saw the completely over-the-top tribute she did to the beloved white-haired hot bitch she’d take several bullets for. No, not James Brolin! Who cares about him. I’m talking about the gorgeous Sammie Streisand! Last year, 14-year-old Sammie Streisand went off to a… I was going to say a better place, but what place is better than Barbra Streisand’s Malibu estate? Some regular people may immortalize the dog they obsess over by getting that pooch’s dead body stuffed so they can keep it at the edge of their bed for eternity. But crazy rich people, like Barbra, take it to the next level by getting their dog cloned.
As we’ve all heard, Johnny Depp is in the middle of a lawsuit with his former business managers at The Management Group, and the only thing both sides can agree on is that his current financial situation is as messy as he looks. Johnny is suing TMG for $25 million for mismanaging his money and committing fraud by taking out loans in his name without permission. TMG is countersuing Johnny for breach of contract. TMG also blames’ Johnny’s money woes on him spending $2 million a month on shit like $30,000 worth of wine. Deadline says that TMG filed documents that they say proves that Johnny knew he was losing money fast and that they warned him that he needed to curb the spending or his cash problems would get shittier than the skid marks in his boxers.