Sometimes it’s hard to tell what a true emergency is and sometimes it’s dead obvious. Like when a Louisiana resident found out that Taco Bell was out of both hard AND soft shells for their tacos and called 911 to report the crime of no taco shells in her belly. I know what you’re thinking, maybe call the non-emergency line instead of 911? Or just write a strongly worded Yelp review. But we don’t know her truth! Maybe she was really hungry and tacos are her favorite and now she’s just suppose to eat cinnamon twists and a taco salad?! This is America. We eat our Taco Bell tacos in shells, not in salad form like the French!
Nothing says classy Palm Springs resort like mid-century architecture, long sunny days, and explosive diarrhea. And if you thought fancy resort living and baking under the desert sun like the last chalupa under the heating lamp at Taco Bell at 2:00 AM was reserved only for the rich and famous, you’re in for a treat. According to People, Taco Bell will be taking over a Palm Springs resort this summer and “transforming it into a fully-immersive fan experience”. That’s right, fully immersive which means you’ll be sleeping on a mattress stuffed with ground beef, tucked under a flour tortilla duvet, and using a packet of hot sauce for a pillow. I kid, the hot sauce packets are for pool use only!
Whoever said dreams never come true needs to be slapped across the face with a stale burrito. Because Taco Bell Canada has decided to spice up everyone’s life by constructing a billboard that dispenses golden showers of delicious, gooey nacho cheese. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me when I say fuck running for the border! I’m about to make a run for the mountains ‘Eh!
Pretty soon, you won’t have to worry about spending a half hour in a crowded drive-thru lane to decimate your G.I. tract with some Taco Bell – it will be served in a chip aisle nearest you! Someone might need to dial Doritos to say “You in danger, gurl” because Taco Bell is launching its own line of chips.
Eater says Taco Bell is saying its chips are inspired by its hot sauce packets and in no way should Doritos scream, “Bitch stole my look!” While you’ll be able to get a Basic Betty original (aka no flavor) tortilla chip, the company will also offer mild and fire to coincide with its spice levels found in its fast food locations. The chips are expected to arrive in May, and Taco Bell’s chief brand office barfed this up as an excuse as to why they didn’t try to get too creative with the packaging:
“Our sauce packets are one of the brand’s most unique aspects and were the natural choice for both the flavors and packaging of our tortilla chips.”
While it may look like Taco Bell is Single White Female-ing Doritos, it sounds like this doesn’t spoil the existing Taco Bell/Doritos partnership (Doritos makes taco shells for certain tacos at the chain). A Taco Bell spokesperson said they are open to all sorts of ways to send you into cardiac arrest (in so many words), and continuing the Frito-Lay/Doritos relationship is one of them! This is all fine and dandy, but my obese redneck childhood will not be pleased until Taco Bell starts churning out those diabetes puffs cinnamon twists to grocery stores, too!
Pic: Taco Bell
Some revolutions start with one small, quiet act: A whispered conversation in a dark alley, a covertly passed note exchanged between strangers, a silent but deadly fart emitted on a crowded city bus. And some revolutions start with an explosion of hot cheese. Well, one revolution started that way.
Things don’t bode well for your food grosstrosity if even the title makes you want to boot into the nearest trash can. Taco Bell is known as the purveyor of such fine and healthful dishes as the Firecracker Burrito, Naked Chicken Chips (what’s with this naked theme – it’s icky), and the Fried Chicken Chalupa. And they continue to turn the fast food world on its ear and put your toilet on suicide watch with their latest offering! They’ve just introduced the Naked Egg Taco. It’s a taco with a fried egg as the shell. Mashable has the rundown on this latest edible(?) WTF.
“Created with a masterful shell made entirely of a fried egg, the Naked Egg Taco flips the breakfast classic inside out. The reimagined breakfast taco delivers a mouthful of crispy potatoes, bacon or sausage, and cheese tucked in a fried egg.”
Taco Bell began serving breakfast in 2014, and this is the latest addition to their morning
assault on your bowels menu. It just looks… unseemly. And greasy. Fried eggs are greasy, right? And what is making the fried egg stay firm enough to hold a load (pun intended) of sausage, potatoes, and cheese? What did they shellac that egg with so it would serve this unholy duty?!?
Let’s put it this way. The other Mr. Harvey is a bear-type who would eat balsa wood if it was breaded, Buffalo-sauced, and came with ranch. And even he was like “that’s too weird-looking to eat.” No to the Naked Egg Taco.