I think we can all agree the 90s were Sylvester Stallone’s worst years. Rocky V. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Planet Hollywood. As it turns out, there’s yet another gross stain on that decade for Sly. According to Deadline, the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office is currently investigating Sylvester Stallone over an alleged sexual assault that took place in the 1990s.
And it’s not because Sylvester Stallone was seated across from him and had to look at his janky beard and matching stringy hair situation all night. It’s actually the opposite of that. Sylvester Stallone wanted to sit at same table as Casey Affleck at the Golden Globe awards. In fact, he and his wife Jennifer Flavin were supposed to be seated at a table that included Casey and Matt Damon. But People says that when they went to sit down during the opening number, they noticed there was only one open chair and the story took a dramatic turn.
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
Together, they look like what’s on the table during a romantic dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant.
At last night’s premiere of Grudge Match in NYC, pristine white taper candle Kim Basinger posed next to her co-star, piping hot piece of cajun-rubbed pork jerky Sylvester Stallone, and it’s a miracle that the heat wafting off of his just-out-of-the-oven face didn’t melt her into a puddle of Botox, wax and sad memories of being married to Alec Baldwin. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny fat fuck who is always thinking about shoving dough, cheese and meat into his mouth (there’s an uncut dick joke in there somewhere), but she looks like a piece of uncooked dough and he looks like a sun dried tomato-stuffed pepperoni meatball. So together they’re like a deconstructed Totino’s pizza roll without the sauce. Delicioso!
Here’s more of Porcelain Basinger and Overcooked Terracotta Stallone with Robert DeNiro at last night’s premiere. Slay me with those brows, Sly!
Sylvester Stallone, the son of a butt-reading blossoming flower, is probably going to get a love letter written on a stick of butter from Paula Deen any day now, because TMZ is accusing him of calling a pap a “nigger” while he left a restaurant in Beverly Hills with a friend yesterday. If only Jackie read Sly’s ass before this so she could tell him that this was coming and to not do it. And by “ass” I mean his face of course.
Because the paparazzi didn’t have bigger stars like Quween on the Scene (Side question: Where for art thou Quween on the Scene?!) and Phoebe Price to shoot yesterday, they settled for a man who looks like a deflated burnt skin bubble. TMZ has a video of the paps following Sly and I guess he didn’t like it, because they claim at the 0:07 mark in the video, he mumbles to his friend, “This fucking nigger, this fucker.” It’s not really clear who that word was meant for. TMZ says there were several black paparazzo shooting around there that day. A few seconds into the video, one of the paps asks him, “Why the racial slurs?” Sly ignores her.
Sly’s spokeswhore claims that he said “fucking asshole” and not “fucking nigger.” The spokeswhore also says that Sly didn’t answer the pap when she asked about him the racial slurs, because she wasn’t talking directly to him. The spokeswhore thinks that she only said that to get more money for the video.
I watched that video more times than I should have and I still don’t know what came out of Sly’s mangled mouth hole. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slurred out a slur, but then again I also wouldn’t be surprised if he said something completely different like, “Hey, yo, let’s go get some strawberry froyo with nuts at that place over there.” Because Sly’s mouth is a shredder of words. Everything that comes out of his mouth has been cut up with pinking shears, chopped up with a rusty machete and ran over by several Mack Trucks. Bitch’s face has been pulled so tight that he can’t spit out coherent words. He will forever sound like a warped Speak and Spell.
But I’m sure he’s still going to play the same damage control card that Alec Baldwin played yesterday. After Alec denied he called a pap a “cocksucking fag,” he showed everyone that he’s not a homophobe by bringing out his gay hairdresser. So expect Sly to grab the first black guy he sees and get them both in front of a camera to say, “Arrro grrr blewerru huh zizzay asshole murrerre wurbled.” (Translation: “Hey, yo, whateveryourname is, you’re black and my best friend, right?“)
I live for two millionaire pepaws going at it and slapping the Werther’s Originals (with protein and whey, of course) out of each other’s mouths. Or in this case, one is doing the slapping while the other lazily rolls around in a California King bed made of cash as his child bride moisturizes his bald head with imported seahorse caviar.
Sylvester Stallone announced on Twitter today that Harrison Ford is replacing Bruce Willis in Expendables 3 (working title: Old Hot Bitches With Guns 3) and he scratched at Bruce’s bald head while doing so.
Sylvester Stallone’s spokeswhore told HuffPo that he did write the tweet and the tweet was about Bruce Willis, but they refused to say anything else.
I don’t know what Bruce Willis did to set Sylvester Stallone’s buff b-hole on fire. Bruce Willis has always been the epitome of a perfectly pleasant and amazingly generous co-worker. I’ve never EVER heard of him being a complete ass dingle to everyone he meets. My guess is that Bruce wanted more money and refused to lift a cement truck for 10 hours a day in the gym like Sly does. GREEDY and LAZY. Sylvester didn’t have to hire Harrison Ford, though. He could’ve just pulled out one of his mutant arm veins, fed it some more HGH, taught it a few words to say and made it the newest Expendables cast member.
And if you’re wondering why Harrison would do this shit. A check is a check and Claire’s isn’t lowering the price on their starter studs anytime soon.
Here’s Sly’s veins trying to wiggle out of his arms while he was on vacation in St. Tropez with his wife a couple of days ago.