Actors hungry for that Oscar prepared for hustling season last night by Spanx-ing up their bodies, saying goodbye to real food for a couple of months and gargling with lemon-infused hot water so their voices are moistened up enough for them to talk, talk and talk about how much they suffered while playing the role they should win all the awards for. Of course I’m not lumping Laurie Metcalf with those actors. She doesn’t have to do all that shit, because she’s Laurie Fucking Metcalf and if she wants respect, all she has to do is say, “I played Aunt Jackie in Roseanne.”
Awards season officially started last night with the opening of The Palm Springs International Film Festival, where Jessica Chastain (Chairman’s Awards), everyone involved with The Shape of Water (Vanguard Award), Allison Janney (Spotlight Award), Gary Oldman (Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actor), Mary J. Blige (Breakthrough Performance Award), Holly Hunter (Career Achievement Award), Timothée Chalamet (Rising Star Award), Willem Dafoe (Icon Award) and more were honored.
Laurie Metcalf was there to honor her Lady Bird co-star Saoirse Ronan with the Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actress. We already knew this, but Aunt Jackie is a saint. I mean, she showed up to an award show to give someone else a trophy instead of getting one. A 20-year-old model is probably trapped under a passed out Leonardo DiCaprio right now, because he fainted over the thought of that.
Not only did Laurie Metcalf show up to honor someone else, but she brought the glamour too by wearing what a 90s Taco Bell would wear if it was turned into a human and became the leader of a new age cult.
Here’s more from last night, and you can stop after Suzanne Somers, because the star power and glamour does downhill from there.
Oh, Nicole, Nicole, please save your Taylor Swift role-play costumes for your bedroom times with Keith Urban. Our eyes don’t need it!
“Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a badly made Taylor Swift wax figure on the guest list,” said the organizers of the opening gala of the Palm Springs International Festival last night when Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet in one of Elle Fanning’s old dresses that her kids doodled on. That dress was made by Dior, but it looks more like something from David Bridal’s collection of wedding clothes inspired by Angelina Jolie’s doodled-on wedding dress. That whole look is giving me a Big situation. Because of that end-of-the-night prom hair and that dress from Justice, it looks like a little girl took over her body and made all of the design decisions for her. It’s a little Whatever Happened To Baby Jane goes to spring formal.
Thankfully, glamorous savior Suzanne Somers once again cleansed the red carpet of messy dreadfulness with her Ann Jillian razor cut, Wayland Flowers-approved rouge and L’eggs covered legs.
If it went with her ensemble, I’d say that Suzanne Somers should get a Medal of Honor for saving events with her sparkly glamour!
And here’s more pics from the Palm Springs International Film Festival including Natalie Portman wearing Darth Vader maternity chic and Pharrell Williams looking like the manager at a matador-themed gay club that only plays songs from the 80s.
Open Post: Hosted By Suzanne Somers Bringing Tons Of Sex Bomb Star Power To The “Passengers” Premiere
When the organizers of last night’s Passengers premiere at the Village Theater in Westwood, CA laid eyes on Jennifer Lawrence wearing another tragically boring Dior (more like DiBORE) and Chris Pratt wearing a snooze-worthy suit, they immediately hit the glamour emergency switch attached to the wall. Approximately 15 seconds later, a siren was heard in the near distance and 30 seconds after that, a stretch limousine with flashing lights on top pulled up and out slithered a goddess in sequins, leather gloves and silver cha cha heels. Suzanne Somers landed on the black carpet to bring some much needed sparkly star power, sexiness, glamour and magnetism to that dull affair. Suzanne Somers is a glamorous Captain-Save-A-Ho and the ho she saved was the Passengers premiere.
If you’re thinking that this stunningly elegant dress looks really familiar and you must’ve seen it on a red eye-shift hooker as she made her way home and you made your way to work in the morning time, you may be right. But you probably also saw it on the triple-Spanx’d body of the butterfly human hybrid known as Mimi who wore it to the NBC Upfronts in NYC last month. Beyonce has also worn that sequined tiger-striped Balmain hooker dress before. That dress is making the rounds and is turning out to be The Slut Dress’ more worldly, glamorous and sophisticated older cousin who used to be a high-end call girl but now works as a hostess at a club in Reno.
Suzanne Somers, my choice for our next Surgeon General, wore it while working the red carpet with her husband Alan Hamel at the Television Academy’s 70th Anniversary Gala in Los Angeles last night. As for who wore that mess better, I have to go with Chrissy Snow, because it has transformed her into Janice the Muppet’s drunk, crazy auntie who made everyone rush their kids out of the room at a family party when she drunkenly gave her husband a lap dance to a Def Leppard song.
Since that dress has been climbing up the ladder of stars by going from Beyonce to Mimi and onto the forever A-list jewel Suzanne Somers, I’m guessing it’ll keep going up and will soon be found on the body of La Toya Jackson or Angelyne. Keep reaching for those unreachable stars, Tiger Dress!
“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”
Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.
It’s that time again. It’s time to play “How Many Names From The ‘Dancing For A Check’ Cast List Make Your Brain Shit Up A Question Mark?”
The Dancing with the Has-Beens season 20 cast was announced this morning, and you know, for the first time in a long time they are living up to the name Dancing with the Stars. I mean, both Suzanne Somers and Patti LaBelle are in the cast and their bright shining top tier A-list status is enough to elevate the Z-listers up to a low E. The new season doesn’t start until March 16th, so that gives Suzanne and Patti plenty of time to fake an injury during rehearsals to get out of this mess.
Every time a new cast is announced, I only read the names and count how many times I have to get my fingers to take me to Google to see who these bitches are. I only did that three times while reading this cast list. Either they’re getting bigger “stars” (HA!) or I don’t know how to do simple multiplication anymore, because that memory was replaced by knowing who the fuck Charlotte McKinney is. Definitely the latter. Here’s the list of the gigantic superstars (see: Suzanne and Patti), has-beens and never-wases who will dance for a check (or relevancy) next month:
Noah Galloway (partnered with Sharna Burgess), an army vet who lost part of his arm and leg while fighting in Iraq.
Robert Herjavec (partnered with Kym Johnson), a shark from Shark Tank.
Patti LaBelle (partnered with Artem Chigvintsev), legend and arch rival of Aretha Franklin.
Nastia Liukin (partnered with Derek Hough), Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast known to me as Nasty Nastia.
Riker Lynch (partnered with Allison Holker), someone who was on Glee for a handful of episodes.
Charlotte McKinney (partnered with Keo Motsepe), someone who ate a cheeseburger without her top on in a Carl’s Jr. commercial. I did not have to Google her name and this should really concern me.
RedFoo (partnered with Emma Slater), Sideshow Bob’s annoying cousin and ear assaulter from LMFAO.
Michael Sam (partnered Peta Murgatroyd), first openly gay player drafted into the NFL.
Willow Shields (partnered Mark Ballas), Katniss’ little sister in The Hunger Games movies.
Suzanne Somers (partnered with Tony Dovolani), star of She’s The Sheriff and the face of the Three Way Poncho!
Rumer Willis (partnered with Valentin Chmerkovskiy), someone who is known for being pulled out of Demi Moore’s cooch.
I haven’t seen this mess in a while, but I may watch it this season, because I really want to see Len Goodman almost get decapitated by the flying heel that Patti LaBelle will kick off to do the Samba.