It’s been two and-a-half years since Britain’s Got Talent superstar and former Hot Slut of the Week Susan Boyle has graced the front page of Dlisted, and I wish this long-awaited post was about something positive like her replacing Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! on Broadway or her replacing Katy Perry as the head judge on American Idol. But this is a sad post that proves for the millionth time that all teenage boys should be banished from civilization and sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island, and yes, I say this as a trick who was once a teenage boy who should’ve been sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island.
This news makes me happy enough to joyfully screech (I don’t sing) “I Dreamed a Dream” while rubbing my face against my fuzziest throw pillow and pretending its Simon Cowell’s furry chest. After being single for her whole life, Susan Boyle – the nutty come-to-life cat hair-covered sweater who won our hearts with her beautiful voice and even more gorgeous personality – is off the market. SORRY, EVERYONE! SuBo told The Sun (via Daily Mail) that she was wooed by an American doctor who was staying in the same hotel as her during her US tour earlier this year. They eventually had a “romantic” dinner together, and now Susan says he’s planning on visiting her in Scotland:
“It’s very early days so we’ll see what happens. I hope he comes over. I don’t want to say any more about who he is right now as that would be unfair on him. All I’ll say is we are around the same age and he was a very nice guy.”
53-year-old Susan has admitted before that not only has she never had a boyfriend, but she’s never even rubbed lips with a dude, so Dr. Boyfriend could very well be SuBo’s first everything, if ya know what I’m saying (wink). That’s right, Dr. Boyfriend could be Susan’s first sloppy hand job in the back seat of a Toyota Tercel, her first experience accidentally walking in on her dude take a hungover dump with the door open, her first fight over whose ass made the couch smell like farts, her first time hearing the words “Hey, can you take a look at this thing on my back? If it’s a zit, will you pop it?” Oh Susan, you have so much to look forward to!
In case you missed it, here’s the delicate teddy bear with the voice of a unicorn angel cracking and choking like Tommy Girl at his wedding on The View this morning. Susan Boyle started to gracefully coo out cloudy musical notes of magic that felt snowflakes softly hitting my ear drums and then it happened….
One of Pebbles’ hairballs inched up SuBo’s wind pipe and it brought the melodic winter magic to an end! SuBo didn’t know she was live, because she asked if she could start over again. And that was Tasmanian Sherri and Igor Goldberg’s cue to stumble through the smoke and save the day. Eh. That shit happens.
But you know, it might not have happened if there wasn’t all that damn smoke all over the place! Was it really necessary for SuBo to perform from inside one of Meat Loaf’s videos? I kept waiting to see a boat slowly gliding towards me in the distance with the Phantom of the Opera at the helm.
But seriously, SuBo should’ve just turned around, hocked that bitch ass frog up, spit into the smoke, turned back around and picked up at the next lyric.
SuBo later did it over for the West Coast without a crack or choke:
Pebbles the cat was woken up last night when she got a series of hysterical texts from her best friend Susan Boyle crying about how an evil man with a face like a boiled Scream mask (SuBo’s words, not mine) ruined everything! The Daily Mail says that the most famous karaoke singer in the entire world fled Los Angeles in a cloud of sadness last night right after Lou Reed refused to give permission for her to sing “Perfect Day” on America’s Got Talent.
Right before he kicked a litter of newborn kittens, snatched a lollipop out of a blind toddler’s hand and tied a damsel to the train tracks, Lou told the producers of AGT that he’s isn’t a SuBo fan so he’s not going to let her sing the song live.
A source says that SuBo is as fragile as the horn on a porcelain unicorn figurine, so she broke down into tears and headed for LAX to catch the next flight to London. The source added, “Susan is very sensitive and is genuinely upset. This has really knocked her confidence. She was in a car on the way to the studio when she was told the news and was totally devastated. She’s now at LAX Airport sobbing her heart out.”
But seriously! Something in the milk ain’t clean about this. Obviously, there’s a whole lot of confusion going on here. Susan Boyle singing Lou Reed? I’m afraid SuBo’s heartache was all in vain. SuBo didn’t want to sing Lou Reed’s Perfect Day! She wanted to sing Hoku’s Perfect Day! The lyrics are deeper and more intense… I mean, if it’s good enough for Sandals!
So now SuBo thinks Don Ho’s daughter popped the tiny bubble in her heart! Awful.
This story is as old as time. A world famous superstar sensation turns her hairy back on the one true friend who loved her unconditionally when she was just a lonely cat lady who practiced kissing with her pillow and ate canned tuna for all her meals. But now that she’s the toast of the entire world, she has completely forgotten about her soul mate. A tragic tail.
Susan Boyle’s rep confirms to The Mirror says that she is no longer living with Pebbles the cat. SuBo is too busy traveling the planet and she’s only visited Pebbles three times in the past 7 months. Pebbles now lives with a retired woman who gets paid around $7 a day to care for SuBo’s ex-best friend. The woman said that the last time SuBo came around to visit, Pebbles wouldn’t even come out to tell the bitch “hi.” And do you blame the pussy?
Pebbles probably spent many a lonely night cuddling up next to a furry caterpillar thinking it was one of SuBo’s eyebrows. And when the caterpillar would sting her ass, Pebbles would continue to cuddle it. But nothing stings harder than being abandoned by your best friend for the cheap whore known as fame!
Pebbles will get her revenge by putting out an album of angsty chick rock songs about how SuBo did her wrong. Pebbles will be the Alanis Morrissette of 2010.
Susan Boyle is having one of those weeks that just makes you want to choke out a cat (Pebbles, report to the nearest safe house). A couple of nights ago, SuBo strolled into her home looking forward to a peaceful night of pussy petting with Pebbles. But instead SuBo found a creepy intruder inside her house. As soon as the intruder dude spotted SuBo, he ran out of there. SuBo is afraid to go back to her house, because she thinks the stalker might come back. And if that isn’t making SuBo lick a Valium, then this might.
SuBo’s idol of all idols Elaine Paige (star of Cats, Chess, Evita, etc…) isn’t going to join her knitting circle any time soon. Elaine tells the Daily Mail that she thinks SuBo is a YouTube virus that infected the entire world in just a few seconds. Elaine explains, “I don’t particularly feel any pride for her – I’m sure she is proud of what she has done. It’s all about turning someone into an immediate celebrity at the expense of longevity and working hard and experience. Susan Boyle is doing terribly well considering she literally came to the attention of the world overnight with the advent of YouTube. She was like a virus really that spread across the world in a nanosecond. She is a girl with no experience of anything to do with theatrics, the music business, or art in any way. She has done terribly well to be a major star overnight with YouTube.”
And when Elaine was asked if she thinks the SuBo virus will continue to spread, she answered, “That’s a good question. She is a major star because of YouTube. Longevity is gained through knowledge, experience and effort so it will remain to be seen. When I started, YouTube didn’t exist but even then with 15 years of experience prior to my success with Evita it was difficult, so I admire the way she handled her sudden success. Britain’s Got Talent and The X Factor just take a bunch of people from real life who think they can sing and try and turn them into overnight ‘stars’ with a couple of songs. Ha ha. It’s not entertainment.”
How do you say “THAT BITCH” in catanese? Meow Meow? Does Miss Elaine Paige even know what a virus is? A virus is something that seeps into your pores, eats at your soul and just won’t go away no matter how much you try to destroy it with huge amounts of booze, drugs and episodes of Mr. Belvedere (the latter usually works). It infiltrates your brain and occupies every single thought you have. You punch at your ears to make it go away, but it’s still there. As soon as you delete it from your iTunes, someone who has been living under one of Aretha Franklin’s chichis for the past year sends you an e-mail entitled: “BEST VERSION OF I DREAMED A DREAM EVER.” That is a virus.
Oh. Just ignore everything I just wrote, and give Elaine a Q-Tip.
Below is a duet of “I Know Him So Well” between Elaine Paige and the SuBo virus. It doesn’t end with Elaine shoving her mic down SuBo’s throat, but she was probably thinking about doing that the entire time. MEOW MEOW!
UPDATE: Elaine Paige would like to clear some things up and doesn’t want to wake up to find Pebbles scratching at her froat. Elaine issued this statement:
“I was dismayed to read the remarks attributed to me today in the Daily Mail which were incomplete and misinterpreted.
I am a huge supporter of Susan Boyle and admire what she has achieved; she has handled the extraordinary situation of being catapulted to worldwide stardom with tremendous strength, charm and dignity and I thoroughly enjoyed working with her on the ITV special we recorded together only last month.
I have always said it’s very hard for someone to be fast-tracked to stardom without any prior experience – I know this as it happened to me when ‘Evita’ opened and I found it extremely difficult in the beginning; today, of course, it’s much harder with the phenomenon of the internet – Facebook, YouTube etc – it seems it only takes minutes for fame to spread around the world – and that’s why I used the word ‘virus’! I wasn’t referring to Susan herself; I was referring to the speed of her fame spreading as fast as a worldwide viral marketing campaign.”