The world may be a mean, nasty place going to shit (and that’s just Twitter), but the heavens opened a glimmer last night…and it surprisingly had something to do with Simon Cowell. When former Hot Slut of the Week Susan Boyle first appeared on Britain’s Got Talent in 2009, her voice of an angel melted even the most cynical, breathing lumps of coal hearts most of us around here are known to have. Thanks to her genuinely innocent ways to Pebbles the cat, she became a star. Susan has had a tough road to fame with pain-in-the-ass celebrities and singers not necessarily being the nicest about her upstaging them on their own music, but she may not be as delicate a flower as we once thought. She’s returning to compete and was on the stage for America’s Got Talent: The Champions last night.
It’s been two and-a-half years since Britain’s Got Talent superstar and former Hot Slut of the Week Susan Boyle has graced the front page of Dlisted, and I wish this long-awaited post was about something positive like her replacing Bette Midler in Hello, Dolly! on Broadway or her replacing Katy Perry as the head judge on American Idol. But this is a sad post that proves for the millionth time that all teenage boys should be banished from civilization and sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island, and yes, I say this as a trick who was once a teenage boy who should’ve been sent to live on a Lord of the Flies-like island.
This news makes me happy enough to joyfully screech (I don’t sing) “I Dreamed a Dream” while rubbing my face against my fuzziest throw pillow and pretending its Simon Cowell’s furry chest. After being single for her whole life, Susan Boyle – the nutty come-to-life cat hair-covered sweater who won our hearts with her beautiful voice and even more gorgeous personality – is off the market. SORRY, EVERYONE! SuBo told The Sun (via Daily Mail) that she was wooed by an American doctor who was staying in the same hotel as her during her US tour earlier this year. They eventually had a “romantic” dinner together, and now Susan says he’s planning on visiting her in Scotland:
“It’s very early days so we’ll see what happens. I hope he comes over. I don’t want to say any more about who he is right now as that would be unfair on him. All I’ll say is we are around the same age and he was a very nice guy.”
53-year-old Susan has admitted before that not only has she never had a boyfriend, but she’s never even rubbed lips with a dude, so Dr. Boyfriend could very well be SuBo’s first everything, if ya know what I’m saying (wink). That’s right, Dr. Boyfriend could be Susan’s first sloppy hand job in the back seat of a Toyota Tercel, her first experience accidentally walking in on her dude take a hungover dump with the door open, her first fight over whose ass made the couch smell like farts, her first time hearing the words “Hey, can you take a look at this thing on my back? If it’s a zit, will you pop it?” Oh Susan, you have so much to look forward to!
In case you missed it, here’s the delicate teddy bear with the voice of a unicorn angel cracking and choking like Tommy Girl at his wedding on The View this morning. Susan Boyle started to gracefully coo out cloudy musical notes of magic that felt snowflakes softly hitting my ear drums and then it happened….
One of Pebbles’ hairballs inched up SuBo’s wind pipe and it brought the melodic winter magic to an end! SuBo didn’t know she was live, because she asked if she could start over again. And that was Tasmanian Sherri and Igor Goldberg’s cue to stumble through the smoke and save the day. Eh. That shit happens.
But you know, it might not have happened if there wasn’t all that damn smoke all over the place! Was it really necessary for SuBo to perform from inside one of Meat Loaf’s videos? I kept waiting to see a boat slowly gliding towards me in the distance with the Phantom of the Opera at the helm.
But seriously, SuBo should’ve just turned around, hocked that bitch ass frog up, spit into the smoke, turned back around and picked up at the next lyric.
SuBo later did it over for the West Coast without a crack or choke:
Pebbles the cat was woken up last night when she got a series of hysterical texts from her best friend Susan Boyle crying about how an evil man with a face like a boiled Scream mask (SuBo’s words, not mine) ruined everything! The Daily Mail says that the most famous karaoke singer in the entire world fled Los Angeles in a cloud of sadness last night right after Lou Reed refused to give permission for her to sing “Perfect Day” on America’s Got Talent.
Right before he kicked a litter of newborn kittens, snatched a lollipop out of a blind toddler’s hand and tied a damsel to the train tracks, Lou told the producers of AGT that he’s isn’t a SuBo fan so he’s not going to let her sing the song live.
A source says that SuBo is as fragile as the horn on a porcelain unicorn figurine, so she broke down into tears and headed for LAX to catch the next flight to London. The source added, “Susan is very sensitive and is genuinely upset. This has really knocked her confidence. She was in a car on the way to the studio when she was told the news and was totally devastated. She’s now at LAX Airport sobbing her heart out.”
But seriously! Something in the milk ain’t clean about this. Obviously, there’s a whole lot of confusion going on here. Susan Boyle singing Lou Reed? I’m afraid SuBo’s heartache was all in vain. SuBo didn’t want to sing Lou Reed’s Perfect Day! She wanted to sing Hoku’s Perfect Day! The lyrics are deeper and more intense… I mean, if it’s good enough for Sandals!
So now SuBo thinks Don Ho’s daughter popped the tiny bubble in her heart! Awful.
This story is as old as time. A world famous superstar sensation turns her hairy back on the one true friend who loved her unconditionally when she was just a lonely cat lady who practiced kissing with her pillow and ate canned tuna for all her meals. But now that she’s the toast of the entire world, she has completely forgotten about her soul mate. A tragic tail.
Susan Boyle’s rep confirms to The Mirror says that she is no longer living with Pebbles the cat. SuBo is too busy traveling the planet and she’s only visited Pebbles three times in the past 7 months. Pebbles now lives with a retired woman who gets paid around $7 a day to care for SuBo’s ex-best friend. The woman said that the last time SuBo came around to visit, Pebbles wouldn’t even come out to tell the bitch “hi.” And do you blame the pussy?
Pebbles probably spent many a lonely night cuddling up next to a furry caterpillar thinking it was one of SuBo’s eyebrows. And when the caterpillar would sting her ass, Pebbles would continue to cuddle it. But nothing stings harder than being abandoned by your best friend for the cheap whore known as fame!
Pebbles will get her revenge by putting out an album of angsty chick rock songs about how SuBo did her wrong. Pebbles will be the Alanis Morrissette of 2010.