Because there are no shortage of celebrities who get an attention boner from a good old fashioned publicity stunt, there are people who are suspicious of just how true and real Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s love is. Dlisted, for example. Hell, I’m pretty sure that if Ted Casablanca was still around, there’d be no end to the stories about “Harajuku Mom” and “The Y’all-y Jean Giant.”
Well, real or fake (or a marketable combination of the two), The Cut has a theory about why Gwen and Blake’s relationship is getting so much attention in the first place, and it has to do with paying barely-famous people to talk about them.
Back in February, Olivia Munn (seen above giving you business casual 70s Cher) took to Instagram to silence the haters who had accused her of popping into a plastic surgeon’s office and walking out with a new face. According to Olivia, her new-ish face was the result of the following things: losing weight while training on the set of X-Men: Apocalypse, reshaping her eyebrow situation, erasing her freckles with Proactiv, and Japanese potatoes. Well, Olivia is talking about her face once again, and this time she has a new reason for why she might look different: makeup! Olivia got into it during a recent interview with Fashion magazine to promote X-Men: Apocalypse.
During a recent interview with Glamour to remind everyone that you’re still a poor (no, it was to promote her new organic makeup line), humanoid lavash cracker Gwyneth Paltrow was asked how the conscious uncoupling situation is going with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. Obviously things between Goopy and The Scarf are great, because Goopy doesn’t do shitty awkward divorces. Apparently things are so super great between Gwyneth and her ex-husband, their relationship status has ascended from exes to siblings.
“We spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother.”
Somewhere in a house without platinum-plated bidets that spray caviar-filtered spring water into your poo hole, Gwyneth Paltrow’s real brother is like “Hold on…am I being replaced? This is totally because I brought store-bought stuffing to Thanksgiving dinner, isn’t it?” (“Yes, it is, you disgusting monster” replied Gwyneth).
Gwyneth also humblebragged that she wrote a couple lyrics for and sang back-up on the latest Coldplay album. I don’t care if you’re religious or not, now is the time you get on your knees and pray that Chris Martin does his sister a favor and lets Goopy sing backup for Coldplay during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. There’s nothing I want more than to see Gwyneth bust out her signature uptight white girl dance moves.
And in case you want to see what a person who went 3 hours without an organic pressed juice looks like, here’s an over-it Gwyneth hauling ass through the airport with Brad Falchuk last week.
Back in October, part-time rapper/ full-time poster child for crazy Azealia Banks got into it with a bouncer at a nightclub in Los Angeles. I have no idea why Azealia went full-Azealia that night. Maybe he triggered the Oh Hell No switch in her brain by telling her he really liked her song “Fancy.” Regardless, Azealia and the bouncer started fighting and it was all caught on camera.
Usually the words “caught on camera” means you better start practicing how to walk into jail with a handful cigarettes tucked between your butt cheeks, but Azealia doesn’t have to do any of that. TMZ says that Azealia Banks won’t do any time for allegedly beating on a club bouncer, because the L.A. City Attorney has thrown the case out. Even though footage of their fight was caught on a security camera, law enforcement can’t tell who started it. And since the bouncer didn’t have any injuries, it’s sort of a draw.
That’s not to say that Azealia’s bouncer-whooping days are behind her. Back in December, Azealia got into a fight with the bouncers at a club in NYC that ended with Azealia biting one of the bouncer’s boobies. That shit hasn’t gone to court yet.
But as one crazy door closes, another one opens. Earlier today, she hopped on Twitter, set her internal thought filter to bonkers, and started typing up a shade-laced endorsement of aspiring Presidential candidate/confirmed turd Donald Trump. Azealia truly covered all the bases of why Trump should be the 45th President of the United States: he’s evil, he’s a piece of shit, he’s not a THOT like the other candidates – you know, all the qualities the founding fathers wanted in a leader.
If I were to guess how Miley Cyrus spent her New Year’s Eve, I’d say she probably rang in the new year by doing topless shots of moonshine off a stoned alien’s bare ass while a glitter-covered Wayne Coyne played a trippy version of ABBA’s “Happy New Year” on an analog synthesizer. But apparently I’d be way off.
According to People and TMZ and everyone who witnessed it in real life and had to check what year it was (“Did I go back in time to 2012?“), Miley Cyrus spent New Years with her former-fiancé Liam Hemsworth. Yes, the picture above that looks like it was shot by Bob Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson is of Miley and Liam hanging out in Australia. Australia! You know the dick is good when you’re willing to put up with the non-stop asshole cramps you’ll get during a 15-hour flight to Australia.
It sounds like it wasn’t just two friends hanging out, either. Sources tell The Daily Telegraph that the Hillbilly Weed Princess and Thor’s brother were seen “cuddling and kissing” at a music festival on Sunday night. Miley was also at the Hemsworth brother’s Wild West-themed New Year’s Eve party (something that has made a bunch of people shout “Thor, NO!” on the internet).
When people where whispering back in April that Miley was rubbing her chicken n’ dumplings on Liam’s didgeridoo again, I was like “Uh huh, sure.” But it might actually be true this time. After all, it sort of makes sense. Miley and Liam have been broken up for almost three years, which is definitely long enough to grow, reflect, experiment, get your slut on, and return back with a clear head and a properly broken-in crotch. It also provided Liam with many relationship discoveries. “Miley, I thought it was gross when you’d lean in for a kiss and accidentally rip a pizza burp in my face. Then I realized you’re not the only one, and I’m ready to accept it.”
Back in March, Angelina Jolie had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to make sure she didn’t get ovarian cancer. In doing so, she started going through menopause. Now, from what I know about menopause (ie. what I learned from that episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche thinks she’s pregnant), it’s that menopause is a Hell of hot flashes and night sweats and just generally feeling like crap. But don’t expect to see Angelina airing out her pits in front of an open freezer door any time soon, because she recently admitted to The Daily Telegraph that saints don’t experience menopause in the same way that mere mortals do.
“I actually love being in menopause. I haven’t had a terrible reaction to it, so I’m very fortunate. I feel older, and I feel settled being older. I feel happy that I’ve grown up. I don’t want to be young again.”
To which Young Angelina Jolie replied: “Aw, come on – the blood necklace Billy Bob dragon tattoo kissing your brother at the Oscars years weren’t THAT bad.”
Of course St. Angie isn’t experiencing the crappy parts of menopause; that was probably part of the contract she signed when she agreed be Heaven’s official ambassador to Earth. I don’t blame her! If I was negotiating with God, I too would make sure there was a section stating that when I go through menopause (aka the Angel Change), I wouldn’t get any hot flashes. I’m sure there’s also a part in there about not getting hungover after a night of hard drinking, and a request to alter her sense of smell so that Brad Pitt’s stale weed stink is recognized in her brain as fresh-cut flowers.