But don’t worry, I’m sure he’s still doing next-level bonkers intergalactic Scientoloteen too. Because Jaden Smith is truly a vanguard of life and is clearly much more ~unique~ that the rest of the 16-year-old passengers on Spaceship Earth (at least in his mind, I’m sure), Jaden Smith has started working women’s dresses into his current rich kid wardrobe. Which totally makes sense, since science fiction has taught me that 1000 years into the future, we’re all going to end up wearing the same shapeless grey sack dress. Jaden isn’t challenging gender norms, he’s just preparing for the future times!
The Daily Mail recently posted a picture of Jaden wearing some kind of dress/diaper/skort/fabric fuckery while wandering around Calabasas in the middle of the day on Thursday (cut to every 16-year-old sitting in 4th period math silently cursing out their parents for not being Will Smith), but if his Instagram account is any indication, he’s been getting into ladies casuals for a while now. Earlier in the week, he posted a picture of himself wearing a striped dress with the caption: “Went To TopShop To Buy Some Girl Clothes, I Mean “Clothes”“. He’s also been tweeting about it:
I have no idea what the fuck that means. But I do know this: normally everything Jaden Smith does makes me roll my eyes so hard I’m able to see the top of my ass, however I am 100% with him on his new found love of dresses. Dresses are the perfect item of clothing, especially for guys. I wear dresses because they’re comfortable as hell (also because I don’t like it when my pussy falls in love with the crotch of my pants and makes a camel toe baby), but I can imagine they’d be even more comfortable for a human with balls. To be honest, I have no idea why more guys don’t wear dresses. Imagine the freedom of sweatpants without the waistband or nut sweat – that’s a dress!
And here’s Jaden wearing a skirt over a pair of jeans while going for a hike the other day with some random reality TV actress. A skirt and pants? Jaden, NO! That look died back in 2004.
Is that including her concrete-looking patio stone titties? Because those look like they weigh at least 10-12lbs. (I once worked in a garden center, I know these things). Former Housewife turned failed talk show host turned Housewife again Bethenny Frankel was recently asked about her weight on the Today show, because I guess asking her about her long-lost twin brother The Joker was off limits. Anyway, the skinny bitch who started a company called Skinnygirl wants you to know (or maybe her team of personality coaches wants you to know?) that despite sometimes looking like the real life version of Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, she’s not too skinny.
“Sometimes I do agree that I look too thin, especially when I’m tired, especially when I’m haggard. I do eat. There are nutritionists that comment that I don’t even weigh a hundred pounds — I weigh 115 pounds. I’ll be happy to get on the Today show scale!”.
Meanwhile, the Today show scale is like “You know I’m a real scale right? You should probably think this through.”
A quick glance at the internet tells me that Bethenny Frankel is 5 foot 5 inches, and I have no idea if 115 lbs. is the right weight for a 5 foot 5 inch tall person, since I can neither remember the last time I was 5″5 or 115lbs. But I would think that seems relatively normal for someone who, I’m assuming, burns 10,000 calories a day being a hard-core attention humper.
Here’s all 115 lbs of Bethenny strutting out of the Today show yesterday.
Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg, seen above looking like an auto show girl-turned-aspiring pop singer and her manager/boyfriend/Hard Rock Cafe enthuriast, recently made an appearance on Howard Stern’s SiriuXM radio show, and of course they started talking about Jenny’s old job at The View. Since the most contagious virus you can catch from having unprotected sex with Jenny McCarthy is bullshititis, Donnie burped up some “Sure, Jan” story about how shortly after Rosie O’Donnell filed her walking papers, The View called up his wife and begged her to come back.
“She’s very gracious about The View, and I will say, I told her the day that she left, I said, ‘They’re gonna ask you back within six months.’ And she won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”
That’s when Jenny elaborated on Donnie’s story by adding:
“One of the producers called and said, would I ever consider it? And I said, ‘No, thank you’ because I couldn’t be me! You know — you called it from the start. I couldn’t be myself.”
Remember from 3 seconds ago that thing Donnie said about Jenny being very gracious about The View? I guess Donnie’s definition of gracious includes the words “acting like a shady bitch“, because when asked about the future of The View, Jenny ripped the following stinky poo whisper in their direction:
“They might try one more year and then I think the Titanic might go down.”
I guess that would make Jenny one of the rats who jumped off the ship? No! That doesn’t make any sense – the rats chose to jump, whereas Jenny McCarthy was pretty much pushed. It’s also highly offensive to rats. I’m sorry Remy!
Hunky actor Kit Harington (aka Ned Stark’s hunky bastard son Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) recently confessed to News.com.au (via Page Six) that he’s not here for the horny bitches drooling over his hot bod or swooning over his sexy beady little eyes. But he’s especially not here for anyone who refers to him as a “hunk” (Dr. Steve Brule just got very sad):
“To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning. It really is and it’s in the same way as it is for women. When an actor is seen only for her physical beauty it can be quite offensive. Well, it’s not just men that can be inappropriate sexually; women can be as well.
I’m in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don’t like that. In this position you get asked a lot, ‘Do you like being a heart-throb? Do you like being a hunk?’ Well, my answer is, ‘That’s not what I got into it for.’”
Part of me thinks Jon Snow doth protest too much, because are that many people busting their nuts over the low-budget Orlando Bloom? I just checked to see if KitHunkington.com or JonSnowMoreLikeJonBlowMe.org were things that existed, and they are not. But if he feels gross every time someone gives him the perv stare or calls him a hunk, there’s an easy way to divert attention away from his hunkiness: start carrying around a cardboard cutout of someone hunkier. Like notorious vintage hunk William Petersen from Manhunter, for example. Human eyes can’t focus on other hunks if they’re glued to the sexy purple short shorts of Detective Will Graham!
Yes, we’re talking about Eva Mendes talking about pants again. To quote Al Pacino in The Godfather III: just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in (“they” being pants, of course, and no, I don’t know what that even means). In case you just came out on a week-long coma, last week Eva Mendes made a joke about sweatpants being the dirty homewrecking slut responsible for breaking up most marriages in America, and now she’s coming after jeans, but this time she’s not joking.
“I love a soft pant…but if you see me in jeans it’s probably because all my skirts are at the dry cleaners or just dirty. I mean, I think jeans are really uncomfortable actually—aren’t they? They’re so restrictive! I always prefer a boyfriend jean, but I find those to be restrictive, too! It’s not unrealistic to see me in an outfit like this at home [points to her skirt], just without the belt and the shoes.”
Meanwhile, in a secret underground bunker located below the Macy’s at W35th and Broadway, Gloria Vanderbilt just called an emergency meeting of The Secret League of Denim Superheroes (Calvin Klein, Mr. Jordache, the reanimated zombie corpse of Levi Strauss) to discuss their newest foe Eva Mendes, aka THE SKIRTED MENACE.
Not liking jeans feels really random, but I can sort of see where she’s coming from. Jeans are your best friend until you eat one too many tacos, and then the waistband turn on you worse than if they caught you talking shit about their mom. Jeans are loyal to no one.
During a recent interview with The Guardian, human incense stick Shailene Woodley confessed that there was a Sliding Doors-style moment in her life that almost kept the organic farmer’s market version of Jennifer Lawrence from being a thing that exists. According to Shailene, pre-Divergent Shailene thought she was too good for that big-budget studio shit, so she turned down the role of Tris in Divergent when it was offered to her. However, her mother clearly came from the Click Clack School of Making That Money, because she convinced her to take it:
“I had said, growing up as a child actor, that I’d never be a part of a big studio franchise, because I never wanted that sort of recognition around the globe. I liked doing smaller roles and I really just love acting because I like being on a movie set and that’s it…ultimately my mom said, ‘Well, Shai, you’re about to say no to this opportunity because of the budget on the film. If this was an independent film, would you say yes?’ And I thought I would say yes, because I love Tris and I do love the storyline and the themes involved within this particular book.”
Somewhere in the seventh circle of Hell (aka Calabasas), Kris Jenner just judged the shit out of Shailene’s mom for raising a child that would turn down an opportunity to be rich and famous. Speaking of Satan’s sluts, Cosmopolitan says that during the London premiere of Divergent: Insurgent, they asked Shailene to show her “best Kylie Jenner selfie face”, to which she replied:
“I have no idea who that is. I’m sorry.“
How perfectly Mimi of you, Shailene! My eyeballs are SO confused, because for the first time ever, Shailene Woodley has said something that didn’t immediately make them start violently rolling into the back of my head. Although they do appreciate how shady Shailene was; the only way her answer could have been any better would be if she had said “I’m sorry, but I believe that imitating a face trademarked by Abyss Creations would be a violation of some kind of copyright law.”
Here’s more of Shailene working some slutty Carol Brady couture at the German premiere of Divergent: Insurgent with Theo James:
Because I make poor life choices, I watched all 900 hours of The Bachelor finale last night (my brain is still refusing to speak to me). Just like every Bachelor finale, sometime towards the end of that mess, ABC’s version of Ryan Seacrest Chris Harrison went to announce the next bachelorette and revealed a SHOCKING twist; that the upcoming season of The Bachelorette would feature not one, but TWO desperate tricks competing for a 10-week fiance.
The two new bachelorettes, named Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the finale last night and neither seemed that psyched about the idea of fighting over the same dudes. And it looks like they’re not alone; UsWeekly found that people on Twitter, including past Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, thought it was a dumb decision and weren’t having it. This isn’t the first time The Bachelor has pulled a stunt queen move like this; back in season 6 they started out with two bachelors and let the ladies choose who they wanted to fight over before they eliminated one.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette is about as boring as a trip to the blinds store and back, so I personally don’t mind that they’re pulling a stunt queen move like this. Two bachelorettes is good, but if they really want to spice things up, they should replace the roses with giant rose-shaped pugil sticks and end each episode with the two of them fighting American Gladiator-style.
And in case you want to see who won an engagement ring last night, here’s the future UsWeekly “IT’S OVER!” cover stars Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff grossing it up at GMA this morning:
You know, at least until the next time she’s asked about her. NO! Taylor Swift is for-real done talking about the Veronica to her Betty, Katy Perry, no matter how much delicious attention it would get her. The human version of Debbie from The Oblongs recently told The Telegraph that you won’t hear the name of her former friend and current reason for why she goes though a 6-pack of scented glitter pens a month (scrawling the words SLUT SKANK BITCH 20 times a day in your Burn Book kills a ton of ink) leave her mouth hole ever again, because she is done talking about Katy Perry:
“I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen.”
She then added: “You hear that Gretchen? Stop tying to make our fight happen, it’s NOT going to happen“.
Tay Tay’s comments have me pulling a Marcia Brady-style “Nice try, Butterscotch“, because it’s a little redundant to say you don’t want to talk about someone and then proceed to talk about them. If she was really, truly done talking about Katy Perry, she should have pulled a Mimi and responded with a simple “I don’t know her.” THAT’S how you show someone you’re done talking about their ass.
And if you ever wanted to see what Tay Tay would look like if she bought a plaid poncho coat and went two shades darker on her lipstick, here’s Taylor Swift’s final Pokemon evolution form, Karlie Kloss, in Milan earlier today:
I know what you’re thinking: FINALLY! Go ahead and tell your boss that you’re leaving work early, go home, and crawl into bed – you’re going to want to catch up on all that sleep you lost over this butterscotch belly button business, I’m sure.
During an interview with BBC’s Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via Yahoo) the human version of Cheerleader from Teen Girl Squad Taylor Swift was asked why back in January we went from living in a world where nobody knew what Taylor Swift’s belly button looked like to a world where Taylor Swift’s belly button was staring us down like a frightened spider in the bathtub. Taylor explained the reason why she posted a picture of herself in a belly button-baring bikini during her Hawaiin vacation with the Haim girls to Instagram and – surprise surprise – it had to do with making sure someone not named Taylor Swift wasn’t making a single dime off of Taylor Swift:
“My security gets out the binoculars and sees that [the paparazzi] have a huge long lens camera. … At which point, we go back to the beach and realize, ‘okay, so they got pictures of us in our bikinis’. I don’t want them to make, like, $100,000 for a bikini shot. And so we’re like, ‘Get up on the bow of the boat: we’re taking better bikini shots so that they don’t make as much money on theirs.’”
Does Tay Tay really think a picture of her in a bikini is worth $100,000? Someone needs to inform her that as long as Target still carries Beach Fun Barbie™, we can see that shit for free.
But wait a second – I thought the paps were on Tay Tay’s BFF list? I’m sure there’s a very panic-stricken pap outside Tay Tay’s apartment in New York at this very minute screaming “No YOU calm down, Larry! What if we’re next? What if she stops calling us to take pictures of her walking to and from her car twice a day? I just put a down payment on a boat, for chrissakes!”
Here’s Tay Tay at the Elle Style Awards last night not wearing a peacoat and a cloche for once:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
But only because I get the creeps from seeing people get with the older versions of themselves, Quantum Leap-style. Also because I can’t stop thinking about all the weird dirty daycare viruses Ellen DeGeneres picked up from being in such close contact with perpetually runny-nosed toddler Justin Bieber.
Regardless, the Justin Bieber “I’m A Good Boy Now” Apology Tour made another stop at Ellen, and while there he and Ellen surprised some unsuspecting women by hiding out in a stall and pretending to be shocked when they were “caught” making out. I don’t know if they give out awards for pranking, but I’d like to nominate Justin and Ellen for the highest honor, because I truly cannot think of anything more traumatizing than accidentally walking in on that swaggy preteen hamster awkwardly putting his tiny hands on an adult woman.
I have no clue why Justin was on Ellen this week, besides trying for the 1,984th time to convince us that he’s no longer a throbbing dick cyst. Remember when he released that weird video of himself crying about how he’s not going to anything that might put him in the time-out chair anymore? No? Well, good news – here he is reciting it pretty much word for word for Ellen:
Raise your hand if as you were watching Jusin Bieber push out a pouty “I’m Sowwy”, you had a flashback to any episode of Full House where Michelle is forced to apologize for something. I could practically hear Danny and Uncle Jesse saying “Now, Michelle…” as that sad learning-a-lesson sitcom music played in the background.