Yes, we’re talking about Eva Mendes talking about pants again. To quote Al Pacino in The Godfather III: just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in (“they” being pants, of course, and no, I don’t know what that even means). In case you just came out on a week-long coma, last week Eva Mendes made a joke about sweatpants being the dirty homewrecking slut responsible for breaking up most marriages in America, and now she’s coming after jeans, but this time she’s not joking.
“I love a soft pant…but if you see me in jeans it’s probably because all my skirts are at the dry cleaners or just dirty. I mean, I think jeans are really uncomfortable actually—aren’t they? They’re so restrictive! I always prefer a boyfriend jean, but I find those to be restrictive, too! It’s not unrealistic to see me in an outfit like this at home [points to her skirt], just without the belt and the shoes.”
Meanwhile, in a secret underground bunker located below the Macy’s at W35th and Broadway, Gloria Vanderbilt just called an emergency meeting of The Secret League of Denim Superheroes (Calvin Klein, Mr. Jordache, the reanimated zombie corpse of Levi Strauss) to discuss their newest foe Eva Mendes, aka THE SKIRTED MENACE.
Not liking jeans feels really random, but I can sort of see where she’s coming from. Jeans are your best friend until you eat one too many tacos, and then the waistband turn on you worse than if they caught you talking shit about their mom. Jeans are loyal to no one.
During a recent interview with The Guardian, human incense stick Shailene Woodley confessed that there was a Sliding Doors-style moment in her life that almost kept the organic farmer’s market version of Jennifer Lawrence from being a thing that exists. According to Shailene, pre-Divergent Shailene thought she was too good for that big-budget studio shit, so she turned down the role of Tris in Divergent when it was offered to her. However, her mother clearly came from the Click Clack School of Making That Money, because she convinced her to take it:
“I had said, growing up as a child actor, that I’d never be a part of a big studio franchise, because I never wanted that sort of recognition around the globe. I liked doing smaller roles and I really just love acting because I like being on a movie set and that’s it…ultimately my mom said, ‘Well, Shai, you’re about to say no to this opportunity because of the budget on the film. If this was an independent film, would you say yes?’ And I thought I would say yes, because I love Tris and I do love the storyline and the themes involved within this particular book.”
Somewhere in the seventh circle of Hell (aka Calabasas), Kris Jenner just judged the shit out of Shailene’s mom for raising a child that would turn down an opportunity to be rich and famous. Speaking of Satan’s sluts, Cosmopolitan says that during the London premiere of Divergent: Insurgent, they asked Shailene to show her “best Kylie Jenner selfie face”, to which she replied:
“I have no idea who that is. I’m sorry.“
How perfectly Mimi of you, Shailene! My eyeballs are SO confused, because for the first time ever, Shailene Woodley has said something that didn’t immediately make them start violently rolling into the back of my head. Although they do appreciate how shady Shailene was; the only way her answer could have been any better would be if she had said “I’m sorry, but I believe that imitating a face trademarked by Abyss Creations would be a violation of some kind of copyright law.”
Here’s more of Shailene working some slutty Carol Brady couture at the German premiere of Divergent: Insurgent with Theo James:
Because I make poor life choices, I watched all 900 hours of The Bachelor finale last night (my brain is still refusing to speak to me). Just like every Bachelor finale, sometime towards the end of that mess, ABC’s version of Ryan Seacrest Chris Harrison went to announce the next bachelorette and revealed a SHOCKING twist; that the upcoming season of The Bachelorette would feature not one, but TWO desperate tricks competing for a 10-week fiance.
The two new bachelorettes, named Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the finale last night and neither seemed that psyched about the idea of fighting over the same dudes. And it looks like they’re not alone; UsWeekly found that people on Twitter, including past Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, thought it was a dumb decision and weren’t having it. This isn’t the first time The Bachelor has pulled a stunt queen move like this; back in season 6 they started out with two bachelors and let the ladies choose who they wanted to fight over before they eliminated one.
The Bachelor/Bachelorette is about as boring as a trip to the blinds store and back, so I personally don’t mind that they’re pulling a stunt queen move like this. Two bachelorettes is good, but if they really want to spice things up, they should replace the roses with giant rose-shaped pugil sticks and end each episode with the two of them fighting American Gladiator-style.
And in case you want to see who won an engagement ring last night, here’s the future UsWeekly “IT’S OVER!” cover stars Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff grossing it up at GMA this morning:
You know, at least until the next time she’s asked about her. NO! Taylor Swift is for-real done talking about the Veronica to her Betty, Katy Perry, no matter how much delicious attention it would get her. The human version of Debbie from The Oblongs recently told The Telegraph that you won’t hear the name of her former friend and current reason for why she goes though a 6-pack of scented glitter pens a month (scrawling the words SLUT SKANK BITCH 20 times a day in your Burn Book kills a ton of ink) leave her mouth hole ever again, because she is done talking about Katy Perry:
“I’m not giving them anything to write about. I’m not walking up the street with boys, I’m not stumbling out of clubs drunk. But I’m never going to talk about her in my interview. It’s not going to happen.”
She then added: “You hear that Gretchen? Stop tying to make our fight happen, it’s NOT going to happen“.
Tay Tay’s comments have me pulling a Marcia Brady-style “Nice try, Butterscotch“, because it’s a little redundant to say you don’t want to talk about someone and then proceed to talk about them. If she was really, truly done talking about Katy Perry, she should have pulled a Mimi and responded with a simple “I don’t know her.” THAT’S how you show someone you’re done talking about their ass.
And if you ever wanted to see what Tay Tay would look like if she bought a plaid poncho coat and went two shades darker on her lipstick, here’s Taylor Swift’s final Pokemon evolution form, Karlie Kloss, in Milan earlier today:
I know what you’re thinking: FINALLY! Go ahead and tell your boss that you’re leaving work early, go home, and crawl into bed – you’re going to want to catch up on all that sleep you lost over this butterscotch belly button business, I’m sure.
During an interview with BBC’s Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via Yahoo) the human version of Cheerleader from Teen Girl Squad Taylor Swift was asked why back in January we went from living in a world where nobody knew what Taylor Swift’s belly button looked like to a world where Taylor Swift’s belly button was staring us down like a frightened spider in the bathtub. Taylor explained the reason why she posted a picture of herself in a belly button-baring bikini during her Hawaiin vacation with the Haim girls to Instagram and – surprise surprise – it had to do with making sure someone not named Taylor Swift wasn’t making a single dime off of Taylor Swift:
“My security gets out the binoculars and sees that [the paparazzi] have a huge long lens camera. … At which point, we go back to the beach and realize, ‘okay, so they got pictures of us in our bikinis’. I don’t want them to make, like, $100,000 for a bikini shot. And so we’re like, ‘Get up on the bow of the boat: we’re taking better bikini shots so that they don’t make as much money on theirs.’”
Does Tay Tay really think a picture of her in a bikini is worth $100,000? Someone needs to inform her that as long as Target still carries Beach Fun Barbie™, we can see that shit for free.
But wait a second – I thought the paps were on Tay Tay’s BFF list? I’m sure there’s a very panic-stricken pap outside Tay Tay’s apartment in New York at this very minute screaming “No YOU calm down, Larry! What if we’re next? What if she stops calling us to take pictures of her walking to and from her car twice a day? I just put a down payment on a boat, for chrissakes!”
Here’s Tay Tay at the Elle Style Awards last night not wearing a peacoat and a cloche for once:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
But only because I get the creeps from seeing people get with the older versions of themselves, Quantum Leap-style. Also because I can’t stop thinking about all the weird dirty daycare viruses Ellen DeGeneres picked up from being in such close contact with perpetually runny-nosed toddler Justin Bieber.
Regardless, the Justin Bieber “I’m A Good Boy Now” Apology Tour made another stop at Ellen, and while there he and Ellen surprised some unsuspecting women by hiding out in a stall and pretending to be shocked when they were “caught” making out. I don’t know if they give out awards for pranking, but I’d like to nominate Justin and Ellen for the highest honor, because I truly cannot think of anything more traumatizing than accidentally walking in on that swaggy preteen hamster awkwardly putting his tiny hands on an adult woman.
I have no clue why Justin was on Ellen this week, besides trying for the 1,984th time to convince us that he’s no longer a throbbing dick cyst. Remember when he released that weird video of himself crying about how he’s not going to anything that might put him in the time-out chair anymore? No? Well, good news – here he is reciting it pretty much word for word for Ellen:
Raise your hand if as you were watching Jusin Bieber push out a pouty “I’m Sowwy”, you had a flashback to any episode of Full House where Michelle is forced to apologize for something. I could practically hear Danny and Uncle Jesse saying “Now, Michelle…” as that sad learning-a-lesson sitcom music played in the background.
Since Angelina Jolie made Disney enough money to buy a small planet with that live-action mess Maleficent, and Disney is a greedy whore who can never have enough money, they’re making a live-action version of Beauty and the Beast, which will no doubt gross $19 billion, because Beauty and the Beast-obsessed dummies like me who get the hardcore feels for that movie and will go see it 27 times. And it looks like the person who will get a percentage of my money will be Emma Watson.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, book-readying smart type Emma Watson has been cast as Belle, the book-reading smart type with a major case of Stockholm syndrome, in Disney’s upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. The studio announced the news today, and Emma confirmed it on Facebook:
THR says the live-action Beauty and the Beast will be directed by Twilight: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon, so please put your hands together and pray that he doesn’t turn Cogsworth into some kind of soul-chilling CGI nightmare.
Emma Watson as Belle is all well and good, but I want to know who else has been cast in this future mess. I’m no casting director, but it’s pretty obvious who should play the rest of the characters from Beauty and the Beast. Khloe Kardashian IS the Beast. The Hammaconda IS Gaston. Rihanna IS that slutty feather duster and Leo DiCaprio IS the horny feather duster-humping Lumière. Justin Bieber IS Mrs. Potts’ annoying teacup son Chip who we all hope “accidentally” gets put in a box marked FREE and thrown on the curb (seriously, Chip is THE WORST).
And it goes without saying that Angela Lansbury better be cast as Mrs. Potts, or so help me god, I will only see this movie 26 times.
Kaley Cuoco Wants You To Know That Stuff She Said About Feminism In Redbook Was Taken Out Of Context
Oh, here we go. It’s only the second day of 2015, and already a famous type is back-pedaling on comments they made in 2014. Earlier this week, an interview between busted butter-haired Big Bang Theory billionaire Kaley Cuoco and Redbook sort of made the eyebrows of the internet raise up in a “you want me to grab you a dictionary?” way when she answered the question of whether or not she consider herself a feminist by saying, no, she’s not, because she likes cooking dinner for her husband. Well, I guess she was tired of people sending her Why Not Both memes, because yesterday she took to Instagram to clarify that what she said about feminism wasn’t actually what she said:
Meanwhile, all the ladies in sensible shoes at Redbook just added the name KALEY CUOCO to their Two-Faced Skanks Who Done Did Redbook Dirty list. Nobody throws Redbook under the bus! “I don’t care if she does have a flattering hair cut – she’ll never describe her favorite way to unwind after a long day in Redbook again! Let Women’s World have her.”
And I’m still not sure what Kaley is trying to say, but I’m glad she did it this time without using lyrics from a Taylor Swift song. My brain thanks you, Kaley!
In her never-ending promotion for that sans fards Cake movie, Jennifer Aniston did a very Jennifer Aniston-y photo shoot (HAIR! BRONZER! SEXY WAVES!) and interview with Allure, and she opened up about all the anonymous strangers who want to know why she hasn’t rented out her 45-year-old womb to a baby yet. Just like the last time she spoke about her lack of fetus fever, Jenny tells Allure (via People) that just because she hasn’t pushed a slimy screaming human out of her down-lows doesn’t mean she should be marked as defective and sent back to the Lady Factory. Oh, and also please stop tapping at your invisible wristwatch and making tick-tock noises, because SHE KNOWS, YOU GUYS:
“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering – dogs, friends, friends’ children. This continually is said about me: that I was so career-driven and focused on myself, that I don’t want to be a mother, and how selfish that is. Even saying it gets me a little tight in my throat.”
It’s times like these that I wish Jennifer Aniston’s dogs could talk, so they could tell everyone that Jennifer Aniston is a great mother and shut those nosy uterus-obsessed bitches up once and for all. How could she not be a great mom? Those dogs spend 9 months out of the year in Mexico! You know how many times I’ve been to Mexico? Zero times. I bet those dogs get to eat whatever they want for dinner too AND sleep on the bed. Ugh, luckyyyy.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston in Allure, including a topless shot with her hairdresser that looks like pretty much every ~edgy~ engagement photo on my Facebook timeline.
BRB – just need to go barf my face off after looking at those hideous shoes. Which ones? ALL OF THEM. Yes, even Gwen Stefani’s; those toe-less tights are giving me major potential shrimp cocktail vibes, and it’s making my stomach feel things.
During a recent interview about her upcoming album, TIME asked Gwen Stefani to go back in time (see what I did there? I know, it was terrible) to 2004 to talk about that time she hired four Japanese girls named Love, Angel, Music, and Baby to silently follow her around in pseudo-geisha makeup and just generally look – to quote Katy Perry – “Japanesy”. At the time, some people thought her culture-humping might be in poor taste, like Margaret Cho, who told us how she REALLY felt by calling Gwen’s Harajuku Girls a “minstrel show“. TIME asked Gwen if she ever regrets the whole Harajuku Girls thing, to which Gwen replied with a strong “NO”, followed by a whole mess of words that basically she wasn’t cultural appropriating, she was cultural appreciating, so the haters can frig off: