During an interview with Elle magazine, Kim Basinger (who sort of looks like a partially-thawed version of Nicole Kidman in the picture above) put on her smart glasses and scientific problem solver’s lab coat and schooled us on the steps women, especially actresses, should take if they want to rise up and rule the world. Warning: if you are a lady with a chronic case of the horn-horns, you are not going to like what you’re about to read.
“Women are important, and they have to be in the movies. So, what are you going to do? All we have to do is all hold our hands and stand up and say ‘No.’ We can stop having babies, we can stop having sex, everything. And then women will rule the world. We’d all hold hands and say, ‘No more.’ How about that? That’s it. Women would know their power.”
To be honest, I don’t know if I’d want to hold the hand of a woman who hasn’t been fucked in a while. Can you even imagine the nerve damage? “I’m sorry if I’m crushing your fingers, dear, but I’m just so, so horny.”
I understand what Kim is saying about the babies thing. Threatening to stop making humans is a good negotiation tactic, since it still takes a lady egg to make one. Not to mention that no more babies means a greater chance that super-smart dolphins will take over the world and enslave what’s left of humanity into aquatic servitude (or so I’ve read on the internet). But that “stop having sex” thing would be really difficult. Sure, it would be easy for Kim; all she has to do is picture her ex-husband screaming a bunch of offensive shit while covered in a layer of anger sweat, and she’s instantly turned off for the next six months. But what about the rest of us?
If this picture of Jada Pinkett Smith making a choreographed LOL face while Will Smith shows off the Popsicle stick he stuck in her bra strap as a prank hasn’t convinced you that Will and Jada are still gunning for that Perfect Couple Realness trophy, then Jada gushing about Will to Howard Stern…probably won’t either. But at least they keep trying, right?
Jada appeared on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show on Wednesday (via THR) and, surprise surprise, she started talking about her husband. Thankfully she saved all the “OMG isn’t my husband such a super sexy stud?” talk for another interview (set 10 minutes on the countdown clock for that one). Instead, Jada started talking about how Will is free to do whatever Will wants to do, and she’s cool with that, because she trusts him to not make a fool of himself.
“You gotta trust who you’re with. At the end of the day, I’m not here to be anybody’s watcher. I’m not his watcher. He’s a grown man. I trust that the man that Will is is a man of integrity. He’s got all the freedom in the world, and as long as Will can look himself in the mirror and be okay, I’m good.”
I know this sounds like Jada’s way of saying “Will fucks his and I fuck mine and we both make it home by dinnertime“, but she never really says anything about having an open marriage. Just that Will Smith has freedom and she’s not sniffing his dick when he gets in the door. That’s good, I guess. I mean, it sure beats finding a stain while you’re doing the laundry and spending the next four hours on Facebook wondering who it came from. “Was it that skank Sheila?? Get in that bathroom and look in the mirror, damn it!”
Warning: the following involves an actor-type trying to talk about science-y things, so you might want to pop ten Tylenols and guzzle a mug of brown liquor to make processing it all just a little bit easier. While discussing how he prepares for movie roles during an interview with Esquire, Jake Gyllenhall made it clear that he’s either been watching too much Bill Nye the Science Guy on Netflix or not nearly enough by saying some random stoner-sounding thoughts about molecules and the moon and how they fuck with all the water in our bodies. Take it away, Professor Jake!
“I believe deeply in the unconscious. That you literally accumulate the molecules of the space that you’re in. We’re like 90 per cent water, so naturally we are going to be affected by the moon when it’s full: if the sea is, why wouldn’t we be? That seems scientific to me. So, if you spend enough time in whatever environment your character would exist in – the way I spent six months with police officers – then the molecules of that environment must transfer somehow. And then you put it on screen, and people go, ‘I feel something that I don’t normally feel.'”
I…wait, what? I’ve read that three times and each time my brain gets more and more frustrated with me for making it read it. It’s like “Allison, STAHP! It doesn’t matter how many times you read it, it still makes no goddamn sense! Oh Jesus, are you reading it again?” Meanwhile, Jaden Smith read Jake’s thoughts and said, “I would like to hear more about your theories on water people and the moon.”
The only part I
understood barely understood was the part about how if you hang around someone (police officers if you’re Jake) long enough, then you start to absorb their molecules and become them. Does that mean if I carry a Dolly Parton doll around with me long enough, eventually I’ll absorb some of her synthetic-haired glamour and down-home plastic charm? It’s worth a shot.
Here’s more of Professor Jake serving up vintage J. Crew summer catalog realness in Esquire.
You know your brain doesn’t want any more of this Duggar mess when it sees a picture of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, and its immediate reaction is to zoom in on that table menu right behind the crunchy poof of hair on Michelle’s head and focus on what appears to be a picture of a chocolate milkshake, like “Hey, what’s that? That looks interesting. Let’s find out more about that milkshake.”
Earlier today, Our Patron Saint of Scrunch Spray announced on the Duggar Family blog that she and Jim Bob will be sitting down with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly to discuss the recent molester grossness regarding their son Josh Duggar. Hmmm, I wonder if at any point during that interview Jim Bob will suggest it’s time for Josh to say his goodbyes? Yeah, probably not.
“Next week we will sit down with Megyn Kelly on Fox News to share our hearts with you about the pain that we walked through as a family twelve years ago, the tears we all shed and the forgiveness that was given. We appreciate the outpouring of love and prayers for our family at this time.”
Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus is like “Oh dad dammit, they’re totally going to drag me into this, aren’t they? Pass the Tylenol.”
UsWeekly says that Jim Bob and Michelle’s interview with The Kelly File will air on June 3rd, with an additional interview airing during a one-hour The Kelly File special on June 5th. Really? Two nights of airtime dedicated to Jim Bob and Michelle rambling on about forgiveness and mistakes and Jesus and The Bible? Funny or Die did it in two-and-a-half minutes.
Taylor Swift Wants You To Know There Are Unfair “Double-Standards” When It Comes To Singing About Your Feelings
During a recent interview with Maxim magazine, who gave her the No. 1 spot on their Hot 100 list this year (and reused one of her greasy butterscotch runaway looks from November’s Wonderland for the cover), Taylor Swift was asked about feminism, specifically why she wants to talk about it all of a sudden. According to Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield’s long-lost triplet, feminism is important to her now because she’s tired of all the haters who continue to side-eye her for building a career out of turning her sad teen girl journal thoughts into several albums worth of catchy break-up songs while praising the dudes who are doing the same thing. Somewhere in a recording studio in Springfield, Kirk Van Houten just got very nervous.
“Finally, my dream of a real-life Legally Blonde remake starring a person whose closest DNA match is the BRAT diet is coming true!” thought one really weird person. Aspiring overpriced online retail mogul Blake Lively recently admitted during an interview with Stylist (via Radar), that one of her dreams is to go to Harvard Business School. I guess she’s learned all she can from searching “things that hipsters like” on Pinterest.
“I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time!”
I’m not sure what Harvard Business School will be able to teach Blake Lively. Do they offer classes in artisanal Instagram filters? Antebellum-era organic beekeeping? Antique typewriter repurposing? Finding success as a WASPy blonde actress-turned-lifestyle blogger in an already flooded market? What about lectures on using words like “curate” and “heirloom” till they lose all meaning? Or how to sell handmade shit from Etsy with a 300% markup? Someone get back to me on that.
She also went on to give the most Blake Lively answer to the question “Would you consider yourself quite old fashioned?“. Go grab the Icy Hot now, because your eye-rolling muscles are about to get a real workout.
“Yes I am. I only listen to old music. I love Billie Holiday, Chet Baker, Edith Piaf and Josephine Baker. I love fashion of times past, I like modern trends too, but I’m not good about keeping up with them.”
And let me guess – she only listens to said music on an antique hand-cranked Victor phonograph that’s being operated by Ryan Reynolds in 3-piece suit and a vintage boating hat while she reclines on a fainting couch in the parlour. “Wrong – it’s actually a divan. Haven’t you learned anything from Preserve?“
Well, it looks like the never-ending after school slap fight between Kristen Stewart and the general idea of being famous is still going strong. In case you haven’t gathered from the fact that Kristen Stewart flips the paps off every chance she gets and has compared fame to being raped, she doesn’t exactly love being famous. In fact, she thinks it’s the worst. Like, the worst worst. To put it into context, picture Jean-Ralphio Saperstein screaming “The wooooorst” into the world’s largest megaphone, then times that by 1 billion. KStew admitted in this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK (via Daily Mail/EW) that there is really nothing worse than being famous, and swats at everyone who would want to be.
This isn’t a picture of Justin Bieber celebrating after he beat all the other kindergarteners to the My Size Krystal Princess doll at free play time; it’s actually Justin Bieber crashing the Chatsworth High School prom on Saturday night. Bieber never got to go to his prom, because he was too busy click-clacking and making that money for Scooter Braun, so Chatsworth allowed him to crash theirs. Oooh, what a badass! Nothing says hardcore troublemaker like asking permission from the school before you crash their prom. What’s next? Asking mommy first before you give someone the middle finger? “As long as I get a cheque every month with a couple zeros on it, I don’t give a honk what you do” hollered Pattie Mallette from her solid gold hot tub.
If you’ve ever wanted to see what it would look like if the filmmakers who released the Bigfoot tape also released grainy footage of Bigfoot’s douchebaggy preteen son, then you’re in luck; several students captured Justin’s surprise appearance on video, and they’re about as good as you’d expect video taken in a dark room by a hyper teen would look.
What the fuck is that outfit even though? Come on, Justin – if you’re going to crash a prom, at least pull a Joey Jeremiah and wear a tuxedo t-shirt. Have some respect – it’s the prom!
I can barely remember my prom, on account of the 8 layers of dollar store hairspray I had applied to my hornet’s next (I cannot with a good conscience call what it was a beehive), but I do remember that it made me feel classy as shit and totally grown up. I was like, beep beep, out of my way, I’m grown now; this stop prom, next stop, jury duty and back pills. So I bet Justin thinks he’s a man now, and I’m sure he’ll find a way to bring that up the next time the Justin Bieber Apology Tour hits the Ellen show. “I just want you to know I’m a different person. I went to the prom. The prom is for big boys. I’m officially a big boy now.”
And speaking of blurry, here are some super hi-res pics of JB waving bye-bye and drinking from his sippy cup at LAX yesterday.
But don’t worry, I’m sure he’s still doing next-level bonkers intergalactic Scientoloteen too. Because Jaden Smith is truly a vanguard of life and is clearly much more ~unique~ that the rest of the 16-year-old passengers on Spaceship Earth (at least in his mind, I’m sure), Jaden Smith has started working women’s dresses into his current rich kid wardrobe. Which totally makes sense, since science fiction has taught me that 1000 years into the future, we’re all going to end up wearing the same shapeless grey sack dress. Jaden isn’t challenging gender norms, he’s just preparing for the future times!
The Daily Mail recently posted a picture of Jaden wearing some kind of dress/diaper/skort/fabric fuckery while wandering around Calabasas in the middle of the day on Thursday (cut to every 16-year-old sitting in 4th period math silently cursing out their parents for not being Will Smith), but if his Instagram account is any indication, he’s been getting into ladies casuals for a while now. Earlier in the week, he posted a picture of himself wearing a striped dress with the caption: “Went To TopShop To Buy Some Girl Clothes, I Mean “Clothes”“. He’s also been tweeting about it:
I have no idea what the fuck that means. But I do know this: normally everything Jaden Smith does makes me roll my eyes so hard I’m able to see the top of my ass, however I am 100% with him on his new found love of dresses. Dresses are the perfect item of clothing, especially for guys. I wear dresses because they’re comfortable as hell (also because I don’t like it when my pussy falls in love with the crotch of my pants and makes a camel toe baby), but I can imagine they’d be even more comfortable for a human with balls. To be honest, I have no idea why more guys don’t wear dresses. Imagine the freedom of sweatpants without the waistband or nut sweat – that’s a dress!
And here’s Jaden wearing a skirt over a pair of jeans while going for a hike the other day with some random reality TV actress. A skirt and pants? Jaden, NO! That look died back in 2004.
Is that including her concrete-looking patio stone titties? Because those look like they weigh at least 10-12lbs. (I once worked in a garden center, I know these things). Former Housewife turned failed talk show host turned Housewife again Bethenny Frankel was recently asked about her weight on the Today show, because I guess asking her about her long-lost twin brother The Joker was off limits. Anyway, the skinny bitch who started a company called Skinnygirl wants you to know (or maybe her team of personality coaches wants you to know?) that despite sometimes looking like the real life version of Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, she’s not too skinny.
“Sometimes I do agree that I look too thin, especially when I’m tired, especially when I’m haggard. I do eat. There are nutritionists that comment that I don’t even weigh a hundred pounds — I weigh 115 pounds. I’ll be happy to get on the Today show scale!”.
Meanwhile, the Today show scale is like “You know I’m a real scale right? You should probably think this through.”
A quick glance at the internet tells me that Bethenny Frankel is 5 foot 5 inches, and I have no idea if 115 lbs. is the right weight for a 5 foot 5 inch tall person, since I can neither remember the last time I was 5″5 or 115lbs. But I would think that seems relatively normal for someone who, I’m assuming, burns 10,000 calories a day being a hard-core attention humper.
Here’s all 115 lbs of Bethenny strutting out of the Today show yesterday.