During a recent interview with Glamour to remind everyone that you’re still a poor (no, it was to promote her new organic makeup line), humanoid lavash cracker Gwyneth Paltrow was asked how the conscious uncoupling situation is going with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. Obviously things between Goopy and The Scarf are great, because Goopy doesn’t do shitty awkward divorces. Apparently things are so super great between Gwyneth and her ex-husband, their relationship status has ascended from exes to siblings.
“We spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother.”
Somewhere in a house without platinum-plated bidets that spray caviar-filtered spring water into your poo hole, Gwyneth Paltrow’s real brother is like “Hold on…am I being replaced? This is totally because I brought store-bought stuffing to Thanksgiving dinner, isn’t it?” (“Yes, it is, you disgusting monster” replied Gwyneth).
Gwyneth also humblebragged that she wrote a couple lyrics for and sang back-up on the latest Coldplay album. I don’t care if you’re religious or not, now is the time you get on your knees and pray that Chris Martin does his sister a favor and lets Goopy sing backup for Coldplay during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. There’s nothing I want more than to see Gwyneth bust out her signature uptight white girl dance moves.
And in case you want to see what a person who went 3 hours without an organic pressed juice looks like, here’s an over-it Gwyneth hauling ass through the airport with Brad Falchuk last week.
Back in October, part-time rapper/ full-time poster child for crazy Azealia Banks got into it with a bouncer at a nightclub in Los Angeles. I have no idea why Azealia went full-Azealia that night. Maybe he triggered the Oh Hell No switch in her brain by telling her he really liked her song “Fancy.” Regardless, Azealia and the bouncer started fighting and it was all caught on camera.
Usually the words “caught on camera” means you better start practicing how to walk into jail with a handful cigarettes tucked between your butt cheeks, but Azealia doesn’t have to do any of that. TMZ says that Azealia Banks won’t do any time for allegedly beating on a club bouncer, because the L.A. City Attorney has thrown the case out. Even though footage of their fight was caught on a security camera, law enforcement can’t tell who started it. And since the bouncer didn’t have any injuries, it’s sort of a draw.
That’s not to say that Azealia’s bouncer-whooping days are behind her. Back in December, Azealia got into a fight with the bouncers at a club in NYC that ended with Azealia biting one of the bouncer’s boobies. That shit hasn’t gone to court yet.
But as one crazy door closes, another one opens. Earlier today, she hopped on Twitter, set her internal thought filter to bonkers, and started typing up a shade-laced endorsement of aspiring Presidential candidate/confirmed turd Donald Trump. Azealia truly covered all the bases of why Trump should be the 45th President of the United States: he’s evil, he’s a piece of shit, he’s not a THOT like the other candidates – you know, all the qualities the founding fathers wanted in a leader.
If I were to guess how Miley Cyrus spent her New Year’s Eve, I’d say she probably rang in the new year by doing topless shots of moonshine off a stoned alien’s bare ass while a glitter-covered Wayne Coyne played a trippy version of ABBA’s “Happy New Year” on an analog synthesizer. But apparently I’d be way off.
According to People and TMZ and everyone who witnessed it in real life and had to check what year it was (“Did I go back in time to 2012?“), Miley Cyrus spent New Years with her former-fiancé Liam Hemsworth. Yes, the picture above that looks like it was shot by Bob Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson is of Miley and Liam hanging out in Australia. Australia! You know the dick is good when you’re willing to put up with the non-stop asshole cramps you’ll get during a 15-hour flight to Australia.
It sounds like it wasn’t just two friends hanging out, either. Sources tell The Daily Telegraph that the Hillbilly Weed Princess and Thor’s brother were seen “cuddling and kissing” at a music festival on Sunday night. Miley was also at the Hemsworth brother’s Wild West-themed New Year’s Eve party (something that has made a bunch of people shout “Thor, NO!” on the internet).
When people where whispering back in April that Miley was rubbing her chicken n’ dumplings on Liam’s didgeridoo again, I was like “Uh huh, sure.” But it might actually be true this time. After all, it sort of makes sense. Miley and Liam have been broken up for almost three years, which is definitely long enough to grow, reflect, experiment, get your slut on, and return back with a clear head and a properly broken-in crotch. It also provided Liam with many relationship discoveries. “Miley, I thought it was gross when you’d lean in for a kiss and accidentally rip a pizza burp in my face. Then I realized you’re not the only one, and I’m ready to accept it.”
Back in March, Angelina Jolie had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to make sure she didn’t get ovarian cancer. In doing so, she started going through menopause. Now, from what I know about menopause (ie. what I learned from that episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche thinks she’s pregnant), it’s that menopause is a Hell of hot flashes and night sweats and just generally feeling like crap. But don’t expect to see Angelina airing out her pits in front of an open freezer door any time soon, because she recently admitted to The Daily Telegraph that saints don’t experience menopause in the same way that mere mortals do.
“I actually love being in menopause. I haven’t had a terrible reaction to it, so I’m very fortunate. I feel older, and I feel settled being older. I feel happy that I’ve grown up. I don’t want to be young again.”
To which Young Angelina Jolie replied: “Aw, come on – the blood necklace Billy Bob dragon tattoo kissing your brother at the Oscars years weren’t THAT bad.”
Of course St. Angie isn’t experiencing the crappy parts of menopause; that was probably part of the contract she signed when she agreed be Heaven’s official ambassador to Earth. I don’t blame her! If I was negotiating with God, I too would make sure there was a section stating that when I go through menopause (aka the Angel Change), I wouldn’t get any hot flashes. I’m sure there’s also a part in there about not getting hungover after a night of hard drinking, and a request to alter her sense of smell so that Brad Pitt’s stale weed stink is recognized in her brain as fresh-cut flowers.
To be clear, the “this” I’m referring to is Taylor Swift singing with Idina Menzel, not Taylor Swift dressed up in a Disney character costume. I doubt that’s new. I’m sure Tay Tay has a whole dress-up trunk filled with Disney Store costumes that gets hauled out at every Sugar Cookie Squad sleepover.
For a while there, Taylor’s “Please welcome to the stage” game was getting a little random (I’m looking at you, Mick Jagger’s people), and I was afraid she was going to run out of famous friends and start welcoming a bunch of non-famous friends to the stage. Like her car mechanic, or the person who releases the woodland animals into her bedroom every morning so she can recreate Sandy’s part of the Grease opening credits. But at Tay Tay’s final show in the U.S. last night, she decided to make a million little girl dreams come true by “Please welcome to the stage“-ing the voice of Elsa from Frozen to sing “Let It Go“.
See, Adele Dazeem makes sense! First of all, Tay Tay is a die-hard theater kid trapped in the body of a…well, a very lanky theater kid. Second, Tay Tay is pretty much the real-life version of Elsa (blonde, always singing, able to freeze people out). Plus, you know Taylor Swift is the only person left on Earth who isn’t totally sick of “Let It Go” by now.
The only downside is that Tay Tay now has to live with the realization that she just pissed off all the little girls who went to her shows in Los Angeles. “Wait, they got Elsa, and we got Joey from Friends? NOT FAIR!“
The whispers that one of Jay Z’s 99 problems was the struggle of trying to hide the fact that he was banging Rihanna from his wife has been around since the beginning of time (no, for real, I’m sure there are cave paintings showing a woman with a joint in her mouth receiving a text that says “U awake?“). There was even a theory that Jay Z’s relationship with RiRi was the reason for why Solange went loco on his ass in an elevator after the Met Gala. Basically, we all agreed that at one point in time, Jay Z’s dick probably smelled like space weed and zero fucks.
Well, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay, you can go ahead and stop side-eyeing Rihanna for doing the electric adulterous camel slide with Jay Z, because that rumor is about as real as the birthdate on Beyonce’s driver’s license. Jonathan was forced to tell the truth after he was outed by J. Randy Taraborrelli, the author of Becoming Beyonce, an unauthorized biography about – DUH – Beyonce. J. Randy (hot name) claims that Jonathan wanted to drum up some publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay“, back in 2005. And when in doubt, a rumor about fucking your married mentor usually works.
Jonathan says that he has since apologized to Beyonce, and that the whole thing is “very awkward.” No, Jonathan – awkward is telling your parents you’re considering entering the witness protection program after you received a mountain of death threats from the Beyhive for bey-smirching their queen’s good name.
You know, I want to believe Jonathan. I really do. But something about this stinks of weave glue and Photoshopped thighs. Does anyone have a video recording of Jonathan Hay coming clean? I wouldn’t be surprised if said video was filmed in a basement next to Solange’s cot, and features the shadowy figures of Bey’s henchmen (Kelly and Michelle) blocking the door while the voice of Blue Ivy instructs him to read the cue cards exactly as they’ve been written if he wants to see outside again.
Meanwhile, I’m sure if you asked Rihanna if anything nasty happened between her and Jay Z, she’d just shrug and be like “Who cares? NEXT.” Here’s RiRi looking like a bootleg Color Me Badd doll while performing last night in LA.
During an interview with Elle magazine, Kim Basinger (who sort of looks like a partially-thawed version of Nicole Kidman in the picture above) put on her smart glasses and scientific problem solver’s lab coat and schooled us on the steps women, especially actresses, should take if they want to rise up and rule the world. Warning: if you are a lady with a chronic case of the horn-horns, you are not going to like what you’re about to read.
“Women are important, and they have to be in the movies. So, what are you going to do? All we have to do is all hold our hands and stand up and say ‘No.’ We can stop having babies, we can stop having sex, everything. And then women will rule the world. We’d all hold hands and say, ‘No more.’ How about that? That’s it. Women would know their power.”
To be honest, I don’t know if I’d want to hold the hand of a woman who hasn’t been fucked in a while. Can you even imagine the nerve damage? “I’m sorry if I’m crushing your fingers, dear, but I’m just so, so horny.”
I understand what Kim is saying about the babies thing. Threatening to stop making humans is a good negotiation tactic, since it still takes a lady egg to make one. Not to mention that no more babies means a greater chance that super-smart dolphins will take over the world and enslave what’s left of humanity into aquatic servitude (or so I’ve read on the internet). But that “stop having sex” thing would be really difficult. Sure, it would be easy for Kim; all she has to do is picture her ex-husband screaming a bunch of offensive shit while covered in a layer of anger sweat, and she’s instantly turned off for the next six months. But what about the rest of us?
If this picture of Jada Pinkett Smith making a choreographed LOL face while Will Smith shows off the Popsicle stick he stuck in her bra strap as a prank hasn’t convinced you that Will and Jada are still gunning for that Perfect Couple Realness trophy, then Jada gushing about Will to Howard Stern…probably won’t either. But at least they keep trying, right?
Jada appeared on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show on Wednesday (via THR) and, surprise surprise, she started talking about her husband. Thankfully she saved all the “OMG isn’t my husband such a super sexy stud?” talk for another interview (set 10 minutes on the countdown clock for that one). Instead, Jada started talking about how Will is free to do whatever Will wants to do, and she’s cool with that, because she trusts him to not make a fool of himself.
“You gotta trust who you’re with. At the end of the day, I’m not here to be anybody’s watcher. I’m not his watcher. He’s a grown man. I trust that the man that Will is is a man of integrity. He’s got all the freedom in the world, and as long as Will can look himself in the mirror and be okay, I’m good.”
I know this sounds like Jada’s way of saying “Will fucks his and I fuck mine and we both make it home by dinnertime“, but she never really says anything about having an open marriage. Just that Will Smith has freedom and she’s not sniffing his dick when he gets in the door. That’s good, I guess. I mean, it sure beats finding a stain while you’re doing the laundry and spending the next four hours on Facebook wondering who it came from. “Was it that skank Sheila?? Get in that bathroom and look in the mirror, damn it!”
Warning: the following involves an actor-type trying to talk about science-y things, so you might want to pop ten Tylenols and guzzle a mug of brown liquor to make processing it all just a little bit easier. While discussing how he prepares for movie roles during an interview with Esquire, Jake Gyllenhall made it clear that he’s either been watching too much Bill Nye the Science Guy on Netflix or not nearly enough by saying some random stoner-sounding thoughts about molecules and the moon and how they fuck with all the water in our bodies. Take it away, Professor Jake!
“I believe deeply in the unconscious. That you literally accumulate the molecules of the space that you’re in. We’re like 90 per cent water, so naturally we are going to be affected by the moon when it’s full: if the sea is, why wouldn’t we be? That seems scientific to me. So, if you spend enough time in whatever environment your character would exist in – the way I spent six months with police officers – then the molecules of that environment must transfer somehow. And then you put it on screen, and people go, ‘I feel something that I don’t normally feel.'”
I…wait, what? I’ve read that three times and each time my brain gets more and more frustrated with me for making it read it. It’s like “Allison, STAHP! It doesn’t matter how many times you read it, it still makes no goddamn sense! Oh Jesus, are you reading it again?” Meanwhile, Jaden Smith read Jake’s thoughts and said, “I would like to hear more about your theories on water people and the moon.”
The only part I
understood barely understood was the part about how if you hang around someone (police officers if you’re Jake) long enough, then you start to absorb their molecules and become them. Does that mean if I carry a Dolly Parton doll around with me long enough, eventually I’ll absorb some of her synthetic-haired glamour and down-home plastic charm? It’s worth a shot.
Here’s more of Professor Jake serving up vintage J. Crew summer catalog realness in Esquire.
You know your brain doesn’t want any more of this Duggar mess when it sees a picture of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, and its immediate reaction is to zoom in on that table menu right behind the crunchy poof of hair on Michelle’s head and focus on what appears to be a picture of a chocolate milkshake, like “Hey, what’s that? That looks interesting. Let’s find out more about that milkshake.”
Earlier today, Our Patron Saint of Scrunch Spray announced on the Duggar Family blog that she and Jim Bob will be sitting down with Fox News’ Megyn Kelly to discuss the recent molester grossness regarding their son Josh Duggar. Hmmm, I wonder if at any point during that interview Jim Bob will suggest it’s time for Josh to say his goodbyes? Yeah, probably not.
“Next week we will sit down with Megyn Kelly on Fox News to share our hearts with you about the pain that we walked through as a family twelve years ago, the tears we all shed and the forgiveness that was given. We appreciate the outpouring of love and prayers for our family at this time.”
Somewhere in Heaven, Jesus is like “Oh dad dammit, they’re totally going to drag me into this, aren’t they? Pass the Tylenol.”
UsWeekly says that Jim Bob and Michelle’s interview with The Kelly File will air on June 3rd, with an additional interview airing during a one-hour The Kelly File special on June 5th. Really? Two nights of airtime dedicated to Jim Bob and Michelle rambling on about forgiveness and mistakes and Jesus and The Bible? Funny or Die did it in two-and-a-half minutes.