Category: Sure Whatever

Taylor Swift Wants You To Know There Are Unfair “Double-Standards” When It Comes To Singing About Your Feelings

May 19, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent interview with Maxim magazine, who gave her the No. 1 spot on their Hot 100 list this year (and reused one of her greasy butterscotch runaway looks from November’s Wonderland for the cover), Taylor Swift was asked about feminism, specifically why she wants to talk about it all of a sudden. According to Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield’s long-lost triplet, feminism is important to her now because she’s tired of all the haters who continue to side-eye her for building a career out of turning her sad teen girl journal thoughts into several albums worth of catchy break-up songs while praising the dudes who are doing the same thing. Somewhere in a recording studio in Springfield, Kirk Van Houten just got very nervous.

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Blake Lively Wants To Go To Harvard Business School

April 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Finally, my dream of a real-life Legally Blonde remake starring a person whose closest DNA match is the BRAT diet is coming true!” thought one really weird person. Aspiring overpriced online retail mogul Blake Lively recently admitted during an interview with Stylist (via Radar), that one of her dreams is to go to Harvard Business School. I guess she’s learned all she can from searching “things that hipsters like” on Pinterest.

“I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time!”

I’m not sure what Harvard Business School will be able to teach Blake Lively. Do they offer classes in artisanal Instagram filters? Antebellum-era organic beekeeping? Antique typewriter repurposing? Finding success as a WASPy blonde actress-turned-lifestyle blogger in an already flooded market? What about lectures on using words like “curate” and “heirloom” till they lose all meaning? Or how to sell handmade shit from Etsy with a 300% markup? Someone get back to me on that.

She also went on to give the most Blake Lively answer to the question “Would you consider yourself quite old fashioned?“. Go grab the Icy Hot now, because your eye-rolling muscles are about to get a real workout.

“Yes I am. I only listen to old music. I love Billie Holiday, Chet Baker, Edith Piaf and Josephine Baker. I love fashion of times past, I like modern trends too, but I’m not good about keeping up with them.”

And let me guess – she only listens to said music on an antique hand-cranked Victor phonograph that’s being operated by Ryan Reynolds in 3-piece suit and a vintage boating hat while she reclines on a fainting couch in the parlour. “Wrong – it’s actually a divan. Haven’t you learned anything from Preserve?

Kristen Stewart Still Thinks Being Famous Is The Absolute Worst

April 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, it looks like the never-ending after school slap fight between Kristen Stewart and the general idea of being famous is still going strong. In case you haven’t gathered from the fact that Kristen Stewart flips the paps off every chance she gets and has compared fame to being raped, she doesn’t exactly love being famous. In fact, she thinks it’s the worst. Like, the worst worst. To put it into context, picture Jean-Ralphio Saperstein screaming “The wooooorst” into the world’s largest megaphone, then times that by 1 billion. KStew admitted in this month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK (via Daily Mail/EW) that there is really nothing worse than being famous, and swats at everyone who would want to be.

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Justin Bieber Crashed A High School Prom This Weekend

April 27, 2015 / Posted by:

This isn’t a picture of Justin Bieber celebrating after he beat all the other kindergarteners to the My Size Krystal Princess doll at free play time; it’s actually Justin Bieber crashing the Chatsworth High School prom on Saturday night. Bieber never got to go to his prom, because he was too busy click-clacking and making that money for Scooter Braun, so Chatsworth allowed him to crash theirs. Oooh, what a badass! Nothing says hardcore troublemaker like asking permission from the school before you crash their prom. What’s next? Asking mommy first before you give someone the middle finger? “As long as I get a cheque every month with a couple zeros on it, I don’t give a honk what you do” hollered Pattie Mallette from her solid gold hot tub.

If you’ve ever wanted to see what it would look like if the filmmakers who released the Bigfoot tape also released grainy footage of Bigfoot’s douchebaggy preteen son, then you’re in luck; several students captured Justin’s surprise appearance on video, and they’re about as good as you’d expect video taken in a dark room by a hyper teen would look.

What the fuck is that outfit even though? Come on, Justin – if you’re going to crash a prom, at least pull a Joey Jeremiah and wear a tuxedo t-shirt. Have some respect – it’s the prom!

I can barely remember my prom, on account of the 8 layers of dollar store hairspray I had applied to my hornet’s next (I cannot with a good conscience call what it was a beehive), but I do remember that it made me feel classy as shit and totally grown up. I was like, beep beep, out of my way, I’m grown now; this stop prom, next stop, jury duty and back pills. So I bet Justin thinks he’s a man now, and I’m sure he’ll find a way to bring that up the next time the Justin Bieber Apology Tour hits the Ellen show. “I just want you to know I’m a different person. I went to the prom. The prom is for big boys. I’m officially a big boy now.

And speaking of blurry, here are some super hi-res pics of JB waving bye-bye and drinking from his sippy cup at LAX yesterday.

Pics: Twitter, Splash

Jaden Smith Is Doing Dresses Now

April 11, 2015 / Posted by:

But don’t worry, I’m sure he’s still doing next-level bonkers intergalactic Scientoloteen too. Because Jaden Smith is truly a vanguard of life and is clearly much more ~unique~ that the rest of the 16-year-old passengers on Spaceship Earth (at least in his mind, I’m sure), Jaden Smith has started working women’s dresses into his current rich kid wardrobe. Which totally makes sense, since science fiction has taught me that 1000 years into the future, we’re all going to end up wearing the same shapeless grey sack dress. Jaden isn’t challenging gender norms, he’s just preparing for the future times!

The Daily Mail recently posted a picture of Jaden wearing some kind of dress/diaper/skort/fabric fuckery while wandering around Calabasas in the middle of the day on Thursday (cut to every 16-year-old sitting in 4th period math silently cursing out their parents for not being Will Smith), but if his Instagram account is any indication, he’s been getting into ladies casuals for a while now. Earlier in the week, he posted a picture of himself wearing a striped dress with the caption: “Went To TopShop To Buy Some Girl Clothes, I Mean “Clothes”“. He’s also been tweeting about it:

JadenSmithTweet

I have no idea what the fuck that means. But I do know this: normally everything Jaden Smith does makes me roll my eyes so hard I’m able to see the top of my ass, however I am 100% with him on his new found love of dresses. Dresses are the perfect item of clothing, especially for guys. I wear dresses because they’re comfortable as hell (also because I don’t like it when my pussy falls in love with the crotch of my pants and makes a camel toe baby), but I can imagine they’d be even more comfortable for a human with balls. To be honest, I have no idea why more guys don’t wear dresses. Imagine the freedom of sweatpants without the waistband or nut sweat – that’s a dress!

And here’s Jaden wearing a skirt over a pair of jeans while going for a hike the other day with some random reality TV actress. A skirt and pants? Jaden, NO! That look died back in 2004.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Bethenny Frankel Wants You To Know That She Weighs 115 Pounds

April 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Is that including her concrete-looking patio stone titties? Because those look like they weigh at least 10-12lbs. (I once worked in a garden center, I know these things). Former Housewife turned failed talk show host turned Housewife again Bethenny Frankel was recently asked about her weight on the Today show, because I guess asking her about her long-lost twin brother The Joker was off limits. Anyway, the skinny bitch who started a company called Skinnygirl wants you to know (or maybe her team of personality coaches wants you to know?) that despite sometimes looking like the real life version of Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, she’s not too skinny.

“Sometimes I do agree that I look too thin, especially when I’m tired, especially when I’m haggard. I do eat. There are nutritionists that comment that I don’t even weigh a hundred pounds — I weigh 115 pounds. I’ll be happy to get on the Today show scale!”.

Meanwhile, the Today show scale is like “You know I’m a real scale right? You should probably think this through.

A quick glance at the internet tells me that Bethenny Frankel is 5 foot 5 inches, and I have no idea if 115 lbs. is the right weight for a 5 foot 5 inch tall person, since I can neither remember the last time I was 5″5 or 115lbs. But I would think that seems relatively normal for someone who, I’m assuming, burns 10,000 calories a day being a hard-core attention humper.

Here’s all 115 lbs of Bethenny strutting out of the Today show yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Claim The View Wanted To Take Her Back

March 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg, seen above looking like an auto show girl-turned-aspiring pop singer and her manager/boyfriend/Hard Rock Cafe enthuriast, recently made an appearance on Howard Stern’s SiriuXM radio show, and of course they started talking about Jenny’s old job at The View. Since the most contagious virus you can catch from having unprotected sex with Jenny McCarthy is bullshititis, Donnie burped up some “Sure, Jan” story about how shortly after Rosie O’Donnell filed her walking papers, The View called up his wife and begged her to come back.

“She’s very gracious about The View, and I will say, I told her the day that she left, I said, ‘They’re gonna ask you back within six months.’ And she won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”

That’s when Jenny elaborated on Donnie’s story by adding:

“One of the producers called and said, would I ever consider it? And I said, ‘No, thank you’ because I couldn’t be me! You know — you called it from the start. I couldn’t be myself.”

Remember from 3 seconds ago that thing Donnie said about Jenny being very gracious about The View? I guess Donnie’s definition of gracious includes the words “acting like a shady bitch“, because when asked about the future of The View, Jenny ripped the following stinky poo whisper in their direction:

“They might try one more year and then I think the Titanic might go down.”

I guess that would make Jenny one of the rats who jumped off the ship? No! That doesn’t make any sense – the rats chose to jump, whereas Jenny McCarthy was pretty much pushed. It’s also highly offensive to rats. I’m sorry Remy!

Kit Harington Thinks It’s “Demeaning” When Someone Calls Him A Hunk

March 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Hunky actor Kit Harington (aka Ned Stark’s hunky bastard son Jon Snow from Game of Thrones) recently confessed to News.com.au (via Page Six) that he’s not here for the horny bitches drooling over his hot bod or swooning over his sexy beady little eyes. But he’s especially not here for anyone who refers to him as a “hunk” (Dr. Steve Brule just got very sad):

“To always be put on a pedestal as a hunk is slightly demeaning. It really is and it’s in the same way as it is for women. When an actor is seen only for her physical beauty it can be quite offensive. Well, it’s not just men that can be inappropriate sexually; women can be as well.

I’m in a successful TV show in a kind of leading man way and it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal. And I don’t like that. In this position you get asked a lot, ‘Do you like being a heart-throb? Do you like being a hunk?’ Well, my answer is, ‘That’s not what I got into it for.’”

Part of me thinks Jon Snow doth protest too much, because are that many people busting their nuts over the low-budget Orlando Bloom? I just checked to see if KitHunkington.com or JonSnowMoreLikeJonBlowMe.org were things that existed, and they are not. But if he feels gross every time someone gives him the perv stare or calls him a hunk, there’s an easy way to divert attention away from his hunkiness: start carrying around a cardboard cutout of someone hunkier. Like notorious vintage hunk William Petersen from Manhunter, for example. Human eyes can’t focus on other hunks if they’re glued to the sexy purple short shorts of Detective Will Graham!

In Other “Pants Eva Mendes Has A Problem With” News, Eva Mendes Doesn’t Like Jeans

March 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, we’re talking about Eva Mendes talking about pants again. To quote Al Pacino in The Godfather III: just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in (“they” being pants, of course, and no, I don’t know what that even means). In case you just came out on a week-long coma, last week Eva Mendes made a joke about sweatpants being the dirty homewrecking slut responsible for breaking up most marriages in America, and now she’s coming after jeans, but this time she’s not joking.

During a recent interview with Who What Wear (via Daily Mail) about that clothing line she does for New York & Company, Eva revealed there’s only time you’ll catch her ass covered in denim:

“I love a soft pant…but if you see me in jeans it’s probably because all my skirts are at the dry cleaners or just dirty. I mean, I think jeans are really uncomfortable actually—aren’t they? They’re so restrictive! I always prefer a boyfriend jean, but I find those to be restrictive, too! It’s not unrealistic to see me in an outfit like this at home [points to her skirt], just without the belt and the shoes.”

Meanwhile, in a secret underground bunker located below the Macy’s at W35th and Broadway, Gloria Vanderbilt just called an emergency meeting of The Secret League of Denim Superheroes (Calvin Klein, Mr. Jordache, the reanimated zombie corpse of Levi Strauss) to discuss their newest foe Eva Mendes, aka THE SKIRTED MENACE.

Not liking jeans feels really random, but I can sort of see where she’s coming from. Jeans are your best friend until you eat one too many tacos, and then the waistband turn on you worse than if they caught you talking shit about their mom. Jeans are loyal to no one.

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Shailene Woodley Almost Passed On Being A Franchise Movie Star

March 16, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent interview with The Guardian, human incense stick Shailene Woodley confessed that there was a Sliding Doors-style moment in her life that almost kept the organic farmer’s market version of Jennifer Lawrence from being a thing that exists. According to Shailene, pre-Divergent Shailene thought she was too good for that big-budget studio shit, so she turned down the role of Tris in Divergent when it was offered to her. However, her mother clearly came from the Click Clack School of Making That Money, because she convinced her to take it:

“I had said, growing up as a child actor, that I’d never be a part of a big studio franchise, because I never wanted that sort of recognition around the globe. I liked doing smaller roles and I really just love acting because I like being on a movie set and that’s it…ultimately my mom said, ‘Well, Shai, you’re about to say no to this opportunity because of the budget on the film. If this was an independent film, would you say yes?’ And I thought I would say yes, because I love Tris and I do love the storyline and the themes involved within this particular book.”

Somewhere in the seventh circle of Hell (aka Calabasas), Kris Jenner just judged the shit out of Shailene’s mom for raising a child that would turn down an opportunity to be rich and famous. Speaking of Satan’s sluts, Cosmopolitan says that during the London premiere of Divergent: Insurgent, they asked Shailene to show her “best Kylie Jenner selfie face”, to which she replied:

I have no idea who that is. I’m sorry.

How perfectly Mimi of you, Shailene! My eyeballs are SO confused, because for the first time ever, Shailene Woodley has said something that didn’t immediately make them start violently rolling into the back of my head. Although they do appreciate how shady Shailene was; the only way her answer could have been any better would be if she had said “I’m sorry, but I believe that imitating a face trademarked by Abyss Creations would be a violation of some kind of copyright law.

Here’s more of Shailene working some slutty Carol Brady couture at the German premiere of Divergent: Insurgent with Theo James:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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