I know what you’re thinking: FINALLY! Go ahead and tell your boss that you’re leaving work early, go home, and crawl into bed – you’re going to want to catch up on all that sleep you lost over this butterscotch belly button business, I’m sure.
During an interview with BBC’s Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via Yahoo) the human version of Cheerleader from Teen Girl Squad Taylor Swift was asked why back in January we went from living in a world where nobody knew what Taylor Swift’s belly button looked like to a world where Taylor Swift’s belly button was staring us down like a frightened spider in the bathtub. Taylor explained the reason why she posted a picture of herself in a belly button-baring bikini during her Hawaiin vacation with the Haim girls to Instagram and – surprise surprise – it had to do with making sure someone not named Taylor Swift wasn’t making a single dime off of Taylor Swift:
“My security gets out the binoculars and sees that [the paparazzi] have a huge long lens camera. … At which point, we go back to the beach and realize, ‘okay, so they got pictures of us in our bikinis’. I don’t want them to make, like, $100,000 for a bikini shot. And so we’re like, ‘Get up on the bow of the boat: we’re taking better bikini shots so that they don’t make as much money on theirs.’”
Does Tay Tay really think a picture of her in a bikini is worth $100,000? Someone needs to inform her that as long as Target still carries Beach Fun Barbie™, we can see that shit for free.
But wait a second – I thought the paps were on Tay Tay’s BFF list? I’m sure there’s a very panic-stricken pap outside Tay Tay’s apartment in New York at this very minute screaming “No YOU calm down, Larry! What if we’re next? What if she stops calling us to take pictures of her walking to and from her car twice a day? I just put a down payment on a boat, for chrissakes!”
Here’s Tay Tay at the Elle Style Awards last night not wearing a peacoat and a cloche for once:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
But only because I get the creeps from seeing people get with the older versions of themselves, Quantum Leap-style. Also because I can’t stop thinking about all the weird dirty daycare viruses Ellen DeGeneres picked up from being in such close contact with perpetually runny-nosed toddler Justin Bieber.
Regardless, the Justin Bieber “I’m A Good Boy Now” Apology Tour made another stop at Ellen, and while there he and Ellen surprised some unsuspecting women by hiding out in a stall and pretending to be shocked when they were “caught” making out. I don’t know if they give out awards for pranking, but I’d like to nominate Justin and Ellen for the highest honor, because I truly cannot think of anything more traumatizing than accidentally walking in on that swaggy preteen hamster awkwardly putting his tiny hands on an adult woman.
I have no clue why Justin was on Ellen this week, besides trying for the 1,984th time to convince us that he’s no longer a throbbing dick cyst. Remember when he released that weird video of himself crying about how he’s not going to anything that might put him in the time-out chair anymore? No? Well, good news – here he is reciting it pretty much word for word for Ellen:
Raise your hand if as you were watching Jusin Bieber push out a pouty “I’m Sowwy”, you had a flashback to any episode of Full House where Michelle is forced to apologize for something. I could practically hear Danny and Uncle Jesse saying “Now, Michelle…” as that sad learning-a-lesson sitcom music played in the background.
Since Angelina Jolie made Disney enough money to buy a small planet with that live-action mess Maleficent, and Disney is a greedy whore who can never have enough money, they’re making a live-action version of Beauty and the Beast, which will no doubt gross $19 billion, because Beauty and the Beast-obsessed dummies like me who get the hardcore feels for that movie and will go see it 27 times. And it looks like the person who will get a percentage of my money will be Emma Watson.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, book-readying smart type Emma Watson has been cast as Belle, the book-reading smart type with a major case of Stockholm syndrome, in Disney’s upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. The studio announced the news today, and Emma confirmed it on Facebook:
THR says the live-action Beauty and the Beast will be directed by Twilight: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon, so please put your hands together and pray that he doesn’t turn Cogsworth into some kind of soul-chilling CGI nightmare.
Emma Watson as Belle is all well and good, but I want to know who else has been cast in this future mess. I’m no casting director, but it’s pretty obvious who should play the rest of the characters from Beauty and the Beast. Khloe Kardashian IS the Beast. The Hammaconda IS Gaston. Rihanna IS that slutty feather duster and Leo DiCaprio IS the horny feather duster-humping Lumière. Justin Bieber IS Mrs. Potts’ annoying teacup son Chip who we all hope “accidentally” gets put in a box marked FREE and thrown on the curb (seriously, Chip is THE WORST).
And it goes without saying that Angela Lansbury better be cast as Mrs. Potts, or so help me god, I will only see this movie 26 times.
Kaley Cuoco Wants You To Know That Stuff She Said About Feminism In Redbook Was Taken Out Of Context
Oh, here we go. It’s only the second day of 2015, and already a famous type is back-pedaling on comments they made in 2014. Earlier this week, an interview between busted butter-haired Big Bang Theory billionaire Kaley Cuoco and Redbook sort of made the eyebrows of the internet raise up in a “you want me to grab you a dictionary?” way when she answered the question of whether or not she consider herself a feminist by saying, no, she’s not, because she likes cooking dinner for her husband. Well, I guess she was tired of people sending her Why Not Both memes, because yesterday she took to Instagram to clarify that what she said about feminism wasn’t actually what she said:
Meanwhile, all the ladies in sensible shoes at Redbook just added the name KALEY CUOCO to their Two-Faced Skanks Who Done Did Redbook Dirty list. Nobody throws Redbook under the bus! “I don’t care if she does have a flattering hair cut – she’ll never describe her favorite way to unwind after a long day in Redbook again! Let Women’s World have her.”
And I’m still not sure what Kaley is trying to say, but I’m glad she did it this time without using lyrics from a Taylor Swift song. My brain thanks you, Kaley!
In her never-ending promotion for that sans fards Cake movie, Jennifer Aniston did a very Jennifer Aniston-y photo shoot (HAIR! BRONZER! SEXY WAVES!) and interview with Allure, and she opened up about all the anonymous strangers who want to know why she hasn’t rented out her 45-year-old womb to a baby yet. Just like the last time she spoke about her lack of fetus fever, Jenny tells Allure (via People) that just because she hasn’t pushed a slimy screaming human out of her down-lows doesn’t mean she should be marked as defective and sent back to the Lady Factory. Oh, and also please stop tapping at your invisible wristwatch and making tick-tock noises, because SHE KNOWS, YOU GUYS:
“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering – dogs, friends, friends’ children. This continually is said about me: that I was so career-driven and focused on myself, that I don’t want to be a mother, and how selfish that is. Even saying it gets me a little tight in my throat.”
It’s times like these that I wish Jennifer Aniston’s dogs could talk, so they could tell everyone that Jennifer Aniston is a great mother and shut those nosy uterus-obsessed bitches up once and for all. How could she not be a great mom? Those dogs spend 9 months out of the year in Mexico! You know how many times I’ve been to Mexico? Zero times. I bet those dogs get to eat whatever they want for dinner too AND sleep on the bed. Ugh, luckyyyy.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston in Allure, including a topless shot with her hairdresser that looks like pretty much every ~edgy~ engagement photo on my Facebook timeline.
BRB – just need to go barf my face off after looking at those hideous shoes. Which ones? ALL OF THEM. Yes, even Gwen Stefani’s; those toe-less tights are giving me major potential shrimp cocktail vibes, and it’s making my stomach feel things.
During a recent interview about her upcoming album, TIME asked Gwen Stefani to go back in time (see what I did there? I know, it was terrible) to 2004 to talk about that time she hired four Japanese girls named Love, Angel, Music, and Baby to silently follow her around in pseudo-geisha makeup and just generally look – to quote Katy Perry – “Japanesy”. At the time, some people thought her culture-humping might be in poor taste, like Margaret Cho, who told us how she REALLY felt by calling Gwen’s Harajuku Girls a “minstrel show“. TIME asked Gwen if she ever regrets the whole Harajuku Girls thing, to which Gwen replied with a strong “NO”, followed by a whole mess of words that basically she wasn’t cultural appropriating, she was cultural appreciating, so the haters can frig off:
The 2015 Grammy nominations are being announced verrrrry slowly today (for real, they decided to drag this shit out till tonight), but from the nominations that have been released so far, we know that popular singing human Beyonce has been nominated for the following: Best R&B Performance and Best R&B Song for “Drunk In Love”, Best Urban Contemporary Album and Best Surround Sound Album for the secret iTunes album that almost broke the internet, and Best Music Film for Beyonce & Jay Z: On The Run Tour. They still have yet to announce the nominations for Album Of The Year, Performer Of All Time, and Queen Of Everything, but one can assume Beyonce will be nominated for those as well.
But even if she doesn’t get nominated for Album Of The Year (“HA! That’s cute” said Beyonce, as she finalized the blue prints for her newest trophy room at Lacefront Manor), the Huffington Post says the 5 she got today brings her total Grammy nominations up to 51, surpassing Dolly Parton’s 46, and making her the most Grammy-nominated woman of all time. Currently the most Grammy-nominated man of all time is Quincy Jones with 79, but don’t worry – I’m sure Beyonce will find a way to release several albums under the name “Ben Yonce” and break that record too.
Of course, there were other people nominated for Grammy Awards today besides Beyonce (in Beyonce’s house, they call those people “future losers”). Sam Smith also got 5 nominations, Iggy Azalea got 4, including Best Rap Album (oh boy, here we go again), Tay Tay Butterscotch Sundae got 3.
“You got any tips for picking up school MILFs? Cause I’ve been casting my rod, but the fish ain’t biting” asked The Deaner, as he was shut down for 84th time this week.
Melanie Brown (aka Mel B aka Scary Spice aka who I always wanted to be when I played Spice Girls with my friends, but due to my inability to sing meant I had to play Posh) has been rubbing her down-lows on producer Stephen Belafonte since 2007, but she recently admitted during an interview with The Guardian that before Stephen and, one would assume, Eddie Murphy (remember that mess? Ah, 2007 – you were truly the greatest year) she was involved in a four-year relationship with a mom she met at her daughter’s school. In response to a comment about her sexuality, Mel B says:
“Well, I did have a four-year relationship with a woman. But I’ve been very happily married for seven years to a penis. Ha ha! An amazing guy. Well, you know what I mean. But I’ve definitely not been shy or been one to hold back. If I wanted to try something, I did. I had a girlfriend. So what?”
She then went on to say that, despite making out with former Playboy models, her and Stephen don’t have an open relationship, so – sorry horny soccer moms, Mel B’s pussy is closed for business.
There is so much about Mel B’s statement that I love, starting with the image of her being married to a penis. I just pictured Stephen drawing a face on his dick, dressing it up in a little dick-sized tuxedo, and tying a wedding ring to his left nut. But I especially love that she pulled a Fred Armisen-as-Joy Behar and closed with a ‘so what?’ “Yeah, I dated a woman I met during a PTA meeting – so what, who cares?“
Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).
And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.
“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”
Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.
And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.
I will tell you right now that Jennifer Lawrence singing “The Hanging Tree” sounds a lot like a 3am recording of Jennifer Lawrence talking out the lyrics to “The Hanging Tree” in her sleep. It also sounds like a NyQuil stoned Jennifer Lawrence doing a karaoke version of “The Hanging Tree” at a mopey hipster bar. It also sounds like a fed-up frog who smokes American Spirit blacks asking her no-good boyfriend if he’s going to “The Hanging Tree”, which might be the name of a XXX all-nude frog strip club. It also sounds like when you try to play a record backwards, and you think you’re going to hear the voice of Satan, but it just sounds like someone struggling to take a shit.
But I’ll leave that up to you to decide! America’s cool fart Jennifer Lawrence recorded a version of “The Hanging Tree” for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, which based on my rudimentary internet research, is a sad hill people song that is sung by Katniss or her dad in the Hunger Games movies. I can’t really judge whether or not she sounds good, since I have a voice that would melt plastic and therefore am not at liberty to judge singing talent. But I can tell she hired Chris Martin as her vocal coach, because she sounds like a bored ghost. Again, still 100% better than me.
Here’s JLaw sing-talking a song that will no doubt go triple rhodium and be remixed to hell and back and eventually covered by Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee next season: