I will tell you right now that Jennifer Lawrence singing “The Hanging Tree” sounds a lot like a 3am recording of Jennifer Lawrence talking out the lyrics to “The Hanging Tree” in her sleep. It also sounds like a NyQuil stoned Jennifer Lawrence doing a karaoke version of “The Hanging Tree” at a mopey hipster bar. It also sounds like a fed-up frog who smokes American Spirit blacks asking her no-good boyfriend if he’s going to “The Hanging Tree”, which might be the name of a XXX all-nude frog strip club. It also sounds like when you try to play a record backwards, and you think you’re going to hear the voice of Satan, but it just sounds like someone struggling to take a shit.
But I’ll leave that up to you to decide! America’s cool fart Jennifer Lawrence recorded a version of “The Hanging Tree” for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, which based on my rudimentary internet research, is a sad hill people song that is sung by Katniss or her dad in the Hunger Games movies. I can’t really judge whether or not she sounds good, since I have a voice that would melt plastic and therefore am not at liberty to judge singing talent. But I can tell she hired Chris Martin as her vocal coach, because she sounds like a bored ghost. Again, still 100% better than me.
Here’s JLaw sing-talking a song that will no doubt go triple rhodium and be remixed to hell and back and eventually covered by Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee next season:
Professional mopey person Kristen Stewart got some attention last Friday night by flashing her nipple bits while presenting Julianne Moore with a Hollywood Film Award, and causing everyone watching at home to mentally present her with the award for Messiest Female Performance (Messiest Male of course went to Johnny Depp). But according to Hollywood Life, Kristen doesn’t give a rat’s hot ass that her titty Skittles made a surprise appearance during a fancy award show. A source close to Kristen (that dejected gopher on her head) said:
“She is not worried about it. It’s not a big deal. If people want to see her naked, she’d rather it be from the movies she has done with nudity, but this happened and she has already forgotten about it. It’s not like the Fappening and certainly not the worst thing cameras have caught from her. Not a big deal at all.”
I’m sure that “worst thing cameras have caught” the source is referring to is getting caught letting a married director snack on her taco salad in a Mini Cooper, but I choose to believe it’s getting caught looking like Chuckie Finster’s busted coke-snorting half-sister.
So Scowly McWhatever doesn’t care that you saw her nipples…or does she??? Celeb Dirty Laundry seems to think KStew orchestrated the whole thing in an attempt to rebrand herself and get better movie roles. That sneaky human shoulder shrug! But why would she have to flash her nipz to do that? Maybe KStew is trying to score the lead role in Lifetime’s Not Without My Nipples: The Scout Willis Story or something.
But if she is, in fact, trying to rebrand herself as “Not Just The Mopey Hipster Chick From Twilight“, maybe she should start by not always looking like the mopey hipster chick from Twilight? Or at the very least, not the mopey hipster dude from Twilight. Here’s Kristen looking like a lazy cosplay of Robert Pattinson at LAX yesterday:
NOOOOOOO! Say it ain’t so! STOP THE RIDE, I WANT TO GET OFF. I don’t want to live in a world without The Deaner’s derpy mug gracing my TV screen every week! I mean, not that it currently is (come on, I don’t watch that shit); but what if I wanted to start? Again, not that I would. STILL! This news is breaking my little beady-eyed sex possum loving heart! During an interview with Access Hollywood Live yesterday, The Deaner answered the question “What’s crappenin’?” by admitting he was saying smell ya later to True Tori barely 3 episodes in to the second season:
“We have five more shows left. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world. I don’t watch it. I can’t. It’s really difficult. I can’t do it anymore, for my soul.”
However, that doesn’t mean he’s also saying sayonara to his Admiral Ackbar-in-drag wife; The Deaner made it very clear to Billy Bush and The Other One that The Deaner is still in love with his long-term paycheck Tori Spelling.
The Deaner also confessed that True Tori had taken a pretty heavy emotional toll on him; The Deaner says that at one point, he was so depressed after Tori caught him passing his possum parts to random tricks, that he ended up driving around in his truck one night with a 9mm handgun, which then lead to The Deaner being held under a 5150 hold at the UCLA psych ward. Damn, shit just got dark.
But back to The Deaner quitting True Tori. I wonder how he did it? Oh, what do you know – I just so happen to have a copy of the email he sent Lifetime right here!
What up skanks? Listen, The Deaner’s got some bad news for ya. The Deaner needs to cool it with the reality show for a bit. Acting is hard work! And when it comes to working hard, The Deaner’s more of a “hardly working” type, you feel me? Listen, if you still need me for a couple scenes, I’ll be out back in the hammock with a brewski resting on the ol’ pork sword.
Honestly, True Tori is so fake, I bet they’ll just re-cast The Deaner, Bewitched-style, and pretend we won’t notice.
AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon (seen above looking like the definition of “I want to speak to your supervisor NOW PLEASE!“) is apparently tired of everyone thinking she’s an insanely likeable pocket-sized blonde imp. I wasn’t aware that Laura Jeanne Poon had a reputation for being the human equivalent of a no-talking back massage (which was the most likeable thing I could think of at this moment), but according to Laura Jeanne Poon, people like her, and that shit needs to STOP. Lil Spoon recently explained to the New York Times that she wishes people would stop thinking of her as “likeable”, because it’s getting in the way of her getting her fuck on. No literally – it’s preventing Reese from getting to say the word “fuck”.
Meanwhile up in the right corner, Squinty Zellweger is like “And I don’t always want to be known as Squinty! I’m doing a good job, right?”
Unless you’re a huge Pieces of April fan (and really, who isn’t), I think we can all agree that the most interesting thing Katie Holmes has ever done was agreeing to be Tom Cruise’s robotic dead-eyed Stepford wife and birthing out The Intergalactic Empress of Xenu, Suri. However, Katie Holmes wants you to know that Katie Holmes has a lot more to offer that just being known as the Bride of Scientology. Tommy Girl’s former Gretchen Wieners tells People:
“I don’t want that moment in my life to define me, to be who I am,” she says of her post-split persona. “I don’t want that to be what I’m known as. I was an actor before, an actor during and an actor now.”
She also says that she’s no longer scared to see one of Tommy Girl’s sassy Scientology henchmen at her front door wearing one of John Travolta’s busted facial wiglets and holding a giant burlap sack, claiming to be a “Federal Drywall Inspector” who needs to “step inside” and “talk to you about…something”. NO! She doesn’t actually specify, but that’s what I’d be askaird of if I was once married to Tom Cruise.
“I don’t have any fear now, I don’t have a lot of rules for myself, and I don’t take myself that seriously.”
I just pictured Katie Holmes in a NO FEAR t-shirt, and yeah, I got quite a kick out of it.
This isn’t the first time Katie has spoken about the five years she spent as Tom Cruise’s My Size Thetan, and it won’t be the last. I bet she’ll be in a nursing home and people will be asking her shit like: “Katie, would you rather watch Matlock or tell me about when you were married to Tom Cruise?“. Then when she dies, Jesus will be like “Hey girl! Remember that time you were married to Tom Cruise?!?” Then when Suri eventually ascends to power as the leader of the Galactic Confederacy and takes over the world, Scientologists will announce her arrival by saying: “All hail Her Majesty Suri, the chosen one born of Katie Holmes! Speaking of, remember when Katie Holmes was married to Tom Cruise?!?” It will never end!
According to Page Six, Super Bowl XLIX will be your ~so edgy~ 13-year-old cousin’s dream come true (“Whatever I don’t care football sucks“) because human Sour Punch Straw Katy Perry will be performing during the halftime show. It sounds like Katy will be the only performer, but who knows? Maybe she’ll bring her friends Bonnie, Rochelle, and Sarah on stage with her to play light as a feather stiff as a board in between “Roar” and “Teenage Dream”.
Originally it was rumored that the halftime show would be either Katy, Coldplay, or Rihanna. Obviously Princess Ooh-Na-Na was out the second she responded to CBS pulling her song from an NFL broadcast last month (THE AUDACITY!) by hissing “Fuck you!” to CBS on Twitter. And who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to have Coldplay, aka the Sleepytime® tea of music, perform at the Super Bowl? Does Bedtime Bear work for the NFL now? So Katy ended up being the best choice. You know, since Prince was clearly busy.
For those of you reading this news of Katy Perry landing the halftime show at Super Bowl
ALEX XLIX and thinking “Oh, so you mean Jane Lane’s Forever 21 cousin managed to cut the NFL a large enough check?“, Katy would like you to know that, um, no, Katy Perry don’t play that pay-for-play bullshit. Taylor Swift’s Regina George told ESPN’s College GameDay on Saturday that she’s “not the kind of girl to pay to play the Super Bowl.” Uh huh. SHOW ME THE SUPER BOWL RECEIPTS, KATY!
It goes without saying that in this post-Nipplegate world we live in, nothing too messy can happen, but that doesn’t mean Katy can’t bring a little DayGlo Tumblr teen fuckery to the halftime show. First off, I want to see Katy dance with either that twerking ice cream cone from the “This Is How We Do” video or a giant corn dog. Second, I want to see Katy try to catch a football on stage. That would literally be the best thing in the world. Make it happen, Katy!
During an interview with Australian Women’s Weekly (via Daily Mail), Hugh Jackman’s exquisite tree-ripened pawpaw of a wife Deborra-Lee Furness admitted that after almost two decades of people coming up to her and telling her she’s so lucky to be married to the current Vice President of the International DILF Society (the President is Paul Rudd), she’d like everyone to cut the bullshit and stop saying she’s lucky. Deborra-Lee isn’t lucky! There’s only one lucky, and she cry-cry-cries in her lonely heart. But for real, Hugh Jackman’s normal-looking wife wants you to stop acting like she won the damn lottery:
“That to me is a putdown. (It is) like you suggesting I won the chook raffle. I think we create our own destiny.”
I had no idea what the hell a chook raffle was (I figured it had something to do with drawing for a wallaby) but as it turns out, it’s where people raffle off chicken meat in a pub. WHAT EVEN??? Beer and the chance to win a bunch of chicken meat? Australia truly is a magical place.
But back to Deborra-Lee. I know she thinks people are saying “You are lucky”, but I think what they really mean is “You are lucky.” As in, we’re all insanely jealous that Deborra-Lee Furness gets to wake up every morning spooning one of Wolverine’s biceps and fall asleep every night staring deep into his beautiful Bloomin’ Onion eyes as he sings her a medley of Broadway show tunes. People aren’t saying she’s lucky in a Michael Bluth “Her?” way. They’re saying in the most literal sense of the word; as in, if a proctologist took a look up Deborra-Lee Furness’ ass, he’d find a horse shoe, a rabbit’s foot, several four-leaf clovers, and a goddamn leprechaun.
Again, cut to the real Martin Lawrence wondering: “Damn Gina! – I mean, Damn Gwynnie! When the hell did we have a problem???”
When it was announced that Chris Martin was slow-humping (you know that bitch has to make sex a ~soulful~ experince) on America’s Kewlest Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, most of us gleefully shot our eyes to the direction of Gwyneth Paltrow in anticipation for some kind of free-range hand-carved imported organic basic bitch meltdown upon learning that she’d been replaced by the cooler 24-year-old version of herself. But sadly, we’re not about to get one. Well, at least not for the time being. E! news says that Goopy is actually legit happy that her former partner in insufferable self-importance is getting his dick wet:
“Gwyneth is very happy for Chris, that he has moved on and found someone else,” a source tells E! News. “Their split has been remarkably amiable and they both just want the best for one another.”
Moreover, Gwyneth “can see why Jennifer is a good match for Chris,” our source adds. “Chris is very drawn to her personality, and ambition and talent. There are actually some amazing similarities between Jennifer and Gwyneth and how they view life and career, and so Gwyneth knows that ultimately Jennifer has the power to make Chris happy in the long term.
“And that’s all Gwyneth wants for Chris,” the insider reiterates. “They might not be a couple anymore, but they will always be co-parents and best friends.”
Gwyneth’s “source” (Hi Jessica Seinfeld!) used an awful lot of words, when really, they could have saved themselves some time by saying “Gwyneth is too busy fucking that weird looking dude from Glee to care what Chris Martin is doing. The End. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up Gwyneth’s weekly order of hand-picked North African crocus stems, or else she won’t have anything to filter her imported sperm whale sweat with, and would you spritz your face with unfiltered sperm whale sweat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
Last night, the almost-lifelike prototype for a generic-brand RealDoll Megan Fox informed human wine aerator Chelsea Handler and the audience of Chelsea Lately (via Moviefone) that even though she looks like a friendly humanoid, she’s not into people. Yes, she knows she was programmed to interact with people, but it doesn’t mean she has to like them. In fact, the only humans she likes are ones that fell out of her silicone vagina, and she’s very grateful they take up so much of her time, because it means less time being forced to interact with people:
“You don’t sleep [and] every minute is … dedicated to someone else.” The actress said she’s become a homebody because she’s always taking care of her sons, though she admits that she prefers not interacting with others. “I don’t like people,” she told host Chelsea Handler. “That’s why you want to hang out with fucking turtles,” Handler observed.
Maybe that’s why she wants to find Bigfoot so badly – so she can find out the best locations to hide from people.
My initial response was to tell Megan to watch her mouth, since people are the ones who put her in movies and repair the cracks in her silicone, but realistically, how long is it till the robots take over and human-looking sexy replicants like Megan Fox are the ones in charge? Not long! ASIMO, the sexiest of the sexy robots (#DatRoboBooty), can play soccer now! That means we’re only like, what, 4 years away from some roboskank cutting in line at Starbucks and bleep-blorping out a complicated drink order. “I want a grande high viscosity non-sludge extra-hot motor oil. What do you mean you want a name for the cup? Don’t you know who I am? I’m a TEEN-1600 droid, bitch, who the eff are you?”
It’s a Christmas (in August) miracle! Back in June, Anna Kendrick cried to Elle Magazine that no one had hit on her in five years, which made no goddamn sense, because Anna Kendrick is an adorably chipper human-looking field mouse, and you’d think she’d have all sorts of suitors lined up at the door to her grass burrow. But for some reason, her milkshakes were bringing 0.00 boys to the meadow.
However, according to the New York Post (via Hollywood.com) Anna has finally found someone to hit on her, and it’s Lily Allen’s brother and Game of Thrones actor Alfie Allen. A source claims that Anna and Alfie went on a date last week in Las Vegas at a place called SushiSamba, adding that they had requested a dark table and were spotted enjoying drinks. Ew, get a room you two! The source also added (no they didn’t) that witnesses caught their eyes canoodling while eating spicy tuna rolls and Anna giggled as she playfully poked Alfie with one of her chopsticks. Then they put on a pair of roller skates, told SushiSamba to kill the lights, and skated around the restaurant to “I’m Not In Love” till they were asked to leave.
Well, good for Anna. I’m glad to hear she’s no longer at home wrist-deep in a pint of Karamel Sutra and looking up dudes from middle school on Facebook (Stars! Just like the rest of us!). And obviously, if they’re together long enough to get a “Brangelina” nickname, Anna Kendrick and Alfie Allen should either go with “Anal” or “Alfdrick”. Someone please grab the brain bleach, because, yes, I just pictured ALF’s dick.