In her never-ending promotion for that sans fards Cake movie, Jennifer Aniston did a very Jennifer Aniston-y photo shoot (HAIR! BRONZER! SEXY WAVES!) and interview with Allure, and she opened up about all the anonymous strangers who want to know why she hasn’t rented out her 45-year-old womb to a baby yet. Just like the last time she spoke about her lack of fetus fever, Jenny tells Allure (via People) that just because she hasn’t pushed a slimy screaming human out of her down-lows doesn’t mean she should be marked as defective and sent back to the Lady Factory. Oh, and also please stop tapping at your invisible wristwatch and making tick-tock noises, because SHE KNOWS, YOU GUYS:
“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering – dogs, friends, friends’ children. This continually is said about me: that I was so career-driven and focused on myself, that I don’t want to be a mother, and how selfish that is. Even saying it gets me a little tight in my throat.”
It’s times like these that I wish Jennifer Aniston’s dogs could talk, so they could tell everyone that Jennifer Aniston is a great mother and shut those nosy uterus-obsessed bitches up once and for all. How could she not be a great mom? Those dogs spend 9 months out of the year in Mexico! You know how many times I’ve been to Mexico? Zero times. I bet those dogs get to eat whatever they want for dinner too AND sleep on the bed. Ugh, luckyyyy.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston in Allure, including a topless shot with her hairdresser that looks like pretty much every ~edgy~ engagement photo on my Facebook timeline.
BRB – just need to go barf my face off after looking at those hideous shoes. Which ones? ALL OF THEM. Yes, even Gwen Stefani’s; those toe-less tights are giving me major potential shrimp cocktail vibes, and it’s making my stomach feel things.
During a recent interview about her upcoming album, TIME asked Gwen Stefani to go back in time (see what I did there? I know, it was terrible) to 2004 to talk about that time she hired four Japanese girls named Love, Angel, Music, and Baby to silently follow her around in pseudo-geisha makeup and just generally look – to quote Katy Perry – “Japanesy”. At the time, some people thought her culture-humping might be in poor taste, like Margaret Cho, who told us how she REALLY felt by calling Gwen’s Harajuku Girls a “minstrel show“. TIME asked Gwen if she ever regrets the whole Harajuku Girls thing, to which Gwen replied with a strong “NO”, followed by a whole mess of words that basically she wasn’t cultural appropriating, she was cultural appreciating, so the haters can frig off:
The 2015 Grammy nominations are being announced verrrrry slowly today (for real, they decided to drag this shit out till tonight), but from the nominations that have been released so far, we know that popular singing human Beyonce has been nominated for the following: Best R&B Performance and Best R&B Song for “Drunk In Love”, Best Urban Contemporary Album and Best Surround Sound Album for the secret iTunes album that almost broke the internet, and Best Music Film for Beyonce & Jay Z: On The Run Tour. They still have yet to announce the nominations for Album Of The Year, Performer Of All Time, and Queen Of Everything, but one can assume Beyonce will be nominated for those as well.
But even if she doesn’t get nominated for Album Of The Year (“HA! That’s cute” said Beyonce, as she finalized the blue prints for her newest trophy room at Lacefront Manor), the Huffington Post says the 5 she got today brings her total Grammy nominations up to 51, surpassing Dolly Parton’s 46, and making her the most Grammy-nominated woman of all time. Currently the most Grammy-nominated man of all time is Quincy Jones with 79, but don’t worry – I’m sure Beyonce will find a way to release several albums under the name “Ben Yonce” and break that record too.
Of course, there were other people nominated for Grammy Awards today besides Beyonce (in Beyonce’s house, they call those people “future losers”). Sam Smith also got 5 nominations, Iggy Azalea got 4, including Best Rap Album (oh boy, here we go again), Tay Tay Butterscotch Sundae got 3.
“You got any tips for picking up school MILFs? Cause I’ve been casting my rod, but the fish ain’t biting” asked The Deaner, as he was shut down for 84th time this week.
Melanie Brown (aka Mel B aka Scary Spice aka who I always wanted to be when I played Spice Girls with my friends, but due to my inability to sing meant I had to play Posh) has been rubbing her down-lows on producer Stephen Belafonte since 2007, but she recently admitted during an interview with The Guardian that before Stephen and, one would assume, Eddie Murphy (remember that mess? Ah, 2007 – you were truly the greatest year) she was involved in a four-year relationship with a mom she met at her daughter’s school. In response to a comment about her sexuality, Mel B says:
“Well, I did have a four-year relationship with a woman. But I’ve been very happily married for seven years to a penis. Ha ha! An amazing guy. Well, you know what I mean. But I’ve definitely not been shy or been one to hold back. If I wanted to try something, I did. I had a girlfriend. So what?”
She then went on to say that, despite making out with former Playboy models, her and Stephen don’t have an open relationship, so – sorry horny soccer moms, Mel B’s pussy is closed for business.
There is so much about Mel B’s statement that I love, starting with the image of her being married to a penis. I just pictured Stephen drawing a face on his dick, dressing it up in a little dick-sized tuxedo, and tying a wedding ring to his left nut. But I especially love that she pulled a Fred Armisen-as-Joy Behar and closed with a ‘so what?’ “Yeah, I dated a woman I met during a PTA meeting – so what, who cares?“
Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).
And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.
“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”
Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.
And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.
I will tell you right now that Jennifer Lawrence singing “The Hanging Tree” sounds a lot like a 3am recording of Jennifer Lawrence talking out the lyrics to “The Hanging Tree” in her sleep. It also sounds like a NyQuil stoned Jennifer Lawrence doing a karaoke version of “The Hanging Tree” at a mopey hipster bar. It also sounds like a fed-up frog who smokes American Spirit blacks asking her no-good boyfriend if he’s going to “The Hanging Tree”, which might be the name of a XXX all-nude frog strip club. It also sounds like when you try to play a record backwards, and you think you’re going to hear the voice of Satan, but it just sounds like someone struggling to take a shit.
But I’ll leave that up to you to decide! America’s cool fart Jennifer Lawrence recorded a version of “The Hanging Tree” for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, which based on my rudimentary internet research, is a sad hill people song that is sung by Katniss or her dad in the Hunger Games movies. I can’t really judge whether or not she sounds good, since I have a voice that would melt plastic and therefore am not at liberty to judge singing talent. But I can tell she hired Chris Martin as her vocal coach, because she sounds like a bored ghost. Again, still 100% better than me.
Here’s JLaw sing-talking a song that will no doubt go triple rhodium and be remixed to hell and back and eventually covered by Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee next season:
Professional mopey person Kristen Stewart got some attention last Friday night by flashing her nipple bits while presenting Julianne Moore with a Hollywood Film Award, and causing everyone watching at home to mentally present her with the award for Messiest Female Performance (Messiest Male of course went to Johnny Depp). But according to Hollywood Life, Kristen doesn’t give a rat’s hot ass that her titty Skittles made a surprise appearance during a fancy award show. A source close to Kristen (that dejected gopher on her head) said:
“She is not worried about it. It’s not a big deal. If people want to see her naked, she’d rather it be from the movies she has done with nudity, but this happened and she has already forgotten about it. It’s not like the Fappening and certainly not the worst thing cameras have caught from her. Not a big deal at all.”
I’m sure that “worst thing cameras have caught” the source is referring to is getting caught letting a married director snack on her taco salad in a Mini Cooper, but I choose to believe it’s getting caught looking like Chuckie Finster’s busted coke-snorting half-sister.
So Scowly McWhatever doesn’t care that you saw her nipples…or does she??? Celeb Dirty Laundry seems to think KStew orchestrated the whole thing in an attempt to rebrand herself and get better movie roles. That sneaky human shoulder shrug! But why would she have to flash her nipz to do that? Maybe KStew is trying to score the lead role in Lifetime’s Not Without My Nipples: The Scout Willis Story or something.
But if she is, in fact, trying to rebrand herself as “Not Just The Mopey Hipster Chick From Twilight“, maybe she should start by not always looking like the mopey hipster chick from Twilight? Or at the very least, not the mopey hipster dude from Twilight. Here’s Kristen looking like a lazy cosplay of Robert Pattinson at LAX yesterday:
NOOOOOOO! Say it ain’t so! STOP THE RIDE, I WANT TO GET OFF. I don’t want to live in a world without The Deaner’s derpy mug gracing my TV screen every week! I mean, not that it currently is (come on, I don’t watch that shit); but what if I wanted to start? Again, not that I would. STILL! This news is breaking my little beady-eyed sex possum loving heart! During an interview with Access Hollywood Live yesterday, The Deaner answered the question “What’s crappenin’?” by admitting he was saying smell ya later to True Tori barely 3 episodes in to the second season:
“We have five more shows left. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world. I don’t watch it. I can’t. It’s really difficult. I can’t do it anymore, for my soul.”
However, that doesn’t mean he’s also saying sayonara to his Admiral Ackbar-in-drag wife; The Deaner made it very clear to Billy Bush and The Other One that The Deaner is still in love with his long-term paycheck Tori Spelling.
The Deaner also confessed that True Tori had taken a pretty heavy emotional toll on him; The Deaner says that at one point, he was so depressed after Tori caught him passing his possum parts to random tricks, that he ended up driving around in his truck one night with a 9mm handgun, which then lead to The Deaner being held under a 5150 hold at the UCLA psych ward. Damn, shit just got dark.
But back to The Deaner quitting True Tori. I wonder how he did it? Oh, what do you know – I just so happen to have a copy of the email he sent Lifetime right here!
What up skanks? Listen, The Deaner’s got some bad news for ya. The Deaner needs to cool it with the reality show for a bit. Acting is hard work! And when it comes to working hard, The Deaner’s more of a “hardly working” type, you feel me? Listen, if you still need me for a couple scenes, I’ll be out back in the hammock with a brewski resting on the ol’ pork sword.
Honestly, True Tori is so fake, I bet they’ll just re-cast The Deaner, Bewitched-style, and pretend we won’t notice.
AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon (seen above looking like the definition of “I want to speak to your supervisor NOW PLEASE!“) is apparently tired of everyone thinking she’s an insanely likeable pocket-sized blonde imp. I wasn’t aware that Laura Jeanne Poon had a reputation for being the human equivalent of a no-talking back massage (which was the most likeable thing I could think of at this moment), but according to Laura Jeanne Poon, people like her, and that shit needs to STOP. Lil Spoon recently explained to the New York Times that she wishes people would stop thinking of her as “likeable”, because it’s getting in the way of her getting her fuck on. No literally – it’s preventing Reese from getting to say the word “fuck”.
Meanwhile up in the right corner, Squinty Zellweger is like “And I don’t always want to be known as Squinty! I’m doing a good job, right?”
Unless you’re a huge Pieces of April fan (and really, who isn’t), I think we can all agree that the most interesting thing Katie Holmes has ever done was agreeing to be Tom Cruise’s robotic dead-eyed Stepford wife and birthing out The Intergalactic Empress of Xenu, Suri. However, Katie Holmes wants you to know that Katie Holmes has a lot more to offer that just being known as the Bride of Scientology. Tommy Girl’s former Gretchen Wieners tells People:
“I don’t want that moment in my life to define me, to be who I am,” she says of her post-split persona. “I don’t want that to be what I’m known as. I was an actor before, an actor during and an actor now.”
She also says that she’s no longer scared to see one of Tommy Girl’s sassy Scientology henchmen at her front door wearing one of John Travolta’s busted facial wiglets and holding a giant burlap sack, claiming to be a “Federal Drywall Inspector” who needs to “step inside” and “talk to you about…something”. NO! She doesn’t actually specify, but that’s what I’d be askaird of if I was once married to Tom Cruise.
“I don’t have any fear now, I don’t have a lot of rules for myself, and I don’t take myself that seriously.”
I just pictured Katie Holmes in a NO FEAR t-shirt, and yeah, I got quite a kick out of it.
This isn’t the first time Katie has spoken about the five years she spent as Tom Cruise’s My Size Thetan, and it won’t be the last. I bet she’ll be in a nursing home and people will be asking her shit like: “Katie, would you rather watch Matlock or tell me about when you were married to Tom Cruise?“. Then when she dies, Jesus will be like “Hey girl! Remember that time you were married to Tom Cruise?!?” Then when Suri eventually ascends to power as the leader of the Galactic Confederacy and takes over the world, Scientologists will announce her arrival by saying: “All hail Her Majesty Suri, the chosen one born of Katie Holmes! Speaking of, remember when Katie Holmes was married to Tom Cruise?!?” It will never end!