Yes, I said MAROON, because I am a classy whore who likes to use the classiest name available for colors.
Jason Momoa was at the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday to sell his movie The Bad Batch with co-star Soooookeh Waterhouse. Jason Momoa also unintentionally sold me on his style being “steampunk Tarzan going to a senior prom while wearing an ensemble bought at Chess King.” This is very Johnny Depp Lite. Jason’s style borders on Fighting The Hot, but it still brings the nipple tingles, because it lacks sleeves and fucks to give. I am always grateful that Jason suffers from a deeply allergic reaction to covering up those arms.
Jason is also dressed like an overheated Paula Poundstone at a holiday party in 1993, and suddenly I find myself feeling things about Paula Poundstone.
Last month, Suki Waterhouse and Bradley Cooper’s publicists did the slow wall slide of sadness when contract renegotiations broke down and the two went their separate ways. Apparently, Suki and B. Coop broke up, because their age difference became a problem and he didn’t feel like she was supporting his career. In Suki’s defense, she’s a fetus, so of course B. Coop’s career gave her the yawns. If he wanted her to care about his career, he’d do projects that would interest her like a puppet show or like a guest voice appearance on SpongeBob. It’s not her fault she’s not entertained by his boring grown people movies. So Suki and B. Coop quit each other, but well, never underestimate the power of a determined publicist who does not want to spend their time finding their client a new contract girlfriend. Because B. Coop and his fetus friend are back together!
Page Six says B.Coop and Suki went to Coochella together where they “got cozy” in front of wiener stand and touched tongues backstage.
A witness told us they saw Cooper and Waterhouse “making out at Coachella backstage during [rock band] Interpol’s set.” They were also seen looking cozy together while lining up for food, and reportedly dined together in Los Angeles on Thursday before heading to Coachella.
B. Coop truly had the greatest weekend ever. He got his photo-op partner back AND he finally won an award for American Sniper. B. Coop won Best Male Performance at the MTV Movie Awards last night. Yeah, he probably won that award, because he’s the only one who agreed to show up, but who cares. Let’s just pretend he was rightfully recognized for his achievement in acting with fake babies and working the hell out of shorty shorts.
Here’s more crystal clear, Hi-Res pictures of B. Coop and Suki hanging out with Clint Eastwood at Coachella. Either Clint Eastwood has officially lost his mind or he was dragged to that dusty hipster hell fest by an evil motherfucker who should really be charged with elder abuse. I don’t know what’s more confusing: Clint Eastwood being at Coachella or the teeny tiny struggle bun on B. Coop’s head.
Today in “failed contract renegotiations,” Bradley Cooper has decided that he’s done with fetus-aged model Suki Waterhouse being his plus one at events and co-starring with him in staged photo shoots. Both E! and People say that after two years together, B.Coop has taken a Norelco shaver to Sookeh. Oh well, at least we’ll always have those totally natural and not-at-all choreographed pictures of B. Coop teaching Suki how to read Lolita while lying under a tree together. People says that B. Coop and Suki broke up in January:
The couple ended their relationship before the Oscars in January but remained friends and attended the award show together, the source says. They were even spotted dining at Nobu Malibu with another pal the next night, though an onlooker says they didn’t seem affectionate during the meal.
In their defense, they probably weren’t affectionate, because cameras weren’t around and who wants to “canoodle” during a meal? I always throw a side-eye of judgement at couples who hold hands while eating and kiss between bites. Freaks! When I’m at dinner, I need both hands to cut the steak and I need my mouth to eat the cut-up steak. Nobody’s got time for “canoodling” when food is involved. But if I want to get affectionate during dinner, I will give my date a quick foot job under the table. That’s what normals do!
A quick minute ago, UsWeekly said that Suki was “itching” to get engaged (Um, is she sure she didn’t have crabs?) and was “warming up” to the idea of marriage. That’s where Suki went wrong. She probably dropped too many hints and it scared. B. Coop away. She should’ve waited patiently until B. Coop told his manager to tell her manager that he’s ready to upgrade their contract. B. Coop is probably traditional like that.
But whatever, Suki doesn’t need B. Coop! Here she is at the NYC premiere of Insurgent giving you:“I’m single and ready to mingle…with Tom Cruise’s people, because I’m looking for a new contract.”
Here’s 38-year-old Bradley Cooper lying his head on the lap of his 21-looking-like-a-13-year-old girlfriend Suki Waterhouse while reading “Lolita” in a park in Paris. TOO EASY. B. Coop once said that he’d never mess around with Jennifer Lawrence, because his 15-year-old self could’ve made her and now here he is reading “Lolita” with a girl who looks like she’d get carded while trying to get into a PG-13 movie. The trolling is thick here. Well, I guess you really have to bring out heavy doses of foolery to sell a staged photo-op nowadays.
If you ever see Victor Garber shaking his head while his hand over his face, just assume that he’s thinking of these pictures.
Pics: Pacific Coast News