Earlier this week, we learned that Suge Knight had allegedly corroborated a theory in a documentary called Tupac Assassination: Battle for Compton. Suge allegedly believes that Tupac Shakur’s murder was an accident and he was the real target. It was also suggested that Suge’s ex-wife Sharitha Golden ordered the hit on Suge. Since everyone knows it’s not good to be on Suge’s bad side, I’m surprised Sharitha didn’t immediately change her name to Mrs. Not Suges-Exwife and flee the country. Instead of doing that, she sent TMZ a video she recorded about the situation.
Last year, Suge Knight sued Dr. Dre for allegedly trying to have him killed to prevent him from getting his hands on $300 million of Dre’s dollars. People have tried to shoot Suge many times before that, but he might be more common of a target than we realize. According to the filmmakers of a new documentary called Tupac Assassination: Battle for Compton, Suge claims that the gunfire that killed Tupac Shakur in Las Vegas back in 1996 was meant for him.
Well, when you’re locked up on murder charges and have gotten bored from re-enacting scenes from The Exorcist with your haunted toilet, one way to pass the time is to go down to the jailhouse library and read Frivolous Ass Lawsuits For Dummies. Suge Knight has already sued Chris Brown and the club 1 Oak for not providing enough security at the 2014 VMAs party where his ass was shot up seven times. TMZ says that shooting has brought out another lawsuit from Suge. Suge has thrown a lawsuit at Dr. Dre for allegedly putting a hit on him.
I don’t believe there’s a section on Suge Knight’s Wikipedia page of people he’s allegedly tried to have killed (because just like many things before it, I’m sure that’s something he would try to make disappear). But in the event that one was recently added, it looks like we can go ahead and add Eminem’s name to it.
If I were Chris Brown and just found out I was in trouble with Suge Knight, I’d be making the same “You in danger, self” look too. Because if there’s ever been a person you don’t want to piss off, it’s Suge Knight.
Page Six says that Suge Knight has filed a lawsuit against Chris Brown and nightclub 1OAK regarding Brown’s disastrous pre-MTV VMAs party at 1OAK back in 2014. The messiness started when someone tried to take out Chris Brown and ended up shooting Suge Knight seven times instead. Three others were shot and one ended up in critical condition. Two years later, and Suge is allegedly still feeling the aftermath of that shooting. According to the lawsuit, Suge claims to have ongoing complications, including a blood clot, from being shot in his chest, arm, and abdomen at Chris’ party. Um, are we sure that blood clot is from a bullet that was shot during Chris Brown’s party and not one of the millions of other times Suge Knight has been shot?
The L.A. County Jail should really make Suge Knight teach community college theater students how to bring the theatrics and raw drama in extra heavy doses, because he knows how it’s done. Since Suge has been in jail on murder charges, he has collapsed in the court room all extra dramatic-like, had a panic attack and appeared before a judge in a wheelchair, because what kind of cold-hearted judge is going to punish a weak soul in a wheelchair? Since the meanie judge has yet to take pity on Suge’s plight and transfer him from his jail cell to a suite at the Four Seasons, he has stepped it up. Suge is crying that his toilet is crazier than him and claims he might have a brain tumah.
Tom Mesereau, who represented Michael Jackson during that child touching trial, is Suge’s new lawyer and he recently filed papers asking for the Blanche DuBois of gangsters to be moved to a different cell. Suge is crying that his toilet is broken and flushes every 20 minutes all day and all night. Poor delicate, dew drop Suge doesn’t have a proper velvet settee to have his fainting spells upon and now he has to deal with a busted toilet disturbing his beauty sleep. Even the toilet is sick of his shit.
On top of Suge’s possessed toilet woes, he also claims that doctors think he could have a brain tumor since he regularly experiences numbness on the side of his body. That numbness could merely be from Suge sleeping on a cheap jail cot instead of an Egyptian cotton-covered mattress filled with swan feathers like he’s used to. Suge asked that his new cell be in a jail that has access to a medical facility.
The judge is still not taking pity on Suge’s plight. The judge denied Suge’s transfer request, so he’ll have to continue to deal with the sound of the ones he’s wronged saying, “Suuuuuuge, Iiiiiii’m goooooing to geeeeet youuuuu,” through the haunted toilet. The judge also denied Suge’s request to lower his $10 billion bail.
So what now? Suge can either borrow a stunt from fellow jail bird drama queen Roxie Hart by faking a pregnancy or he can start working on an escape plan by wooing a sad and desperate jail house sewing teacher whose clit gets the throbs for diabolical rap mogul dick.