Well, At Least Justin Bieber’s Potty-Trained

Now if only his potty trainers can get him to piss in an actual toilet next time.

Society’s floating toilet turd that refuses to flush continued to be the second hardest member of the Hood Rat Stuff Gang (the hardest member is obviously its founder Latarian Milton) when he pissed into a mop bucket in a restaurant kitchen after getting drunk in some club in NYC. I don’t know what’s a more tragic image: the Biebs pissing into a mop bucket while wearing diaper pants full of a hot load or Charlotte York’s second husband being forced to watch this sucio foolery go down.

In the video, which TMZ says was shot earlier this year, the KFed of yodeling fetuses stops to piss in the bucket and then screams “fuck Bill Clinton” while spraying window cleaner at a picture of Billy. There’s a double dose of SHOCK in this video, because it’s surprising that: a) the Biebs can pee without sitting down and; b) he actually knows who Bill Clinton is.

Here’s the video and you might need to take the rest of the day off since you will overdose on badassery while watching it:

Hopefully, the pour soul who had to deal with that bucket knew there was Bieber piss in there, because they could bottle that mess up and sell it for thousands of dollars a pop on eBay. Beliebers will bathe in it, brush their teeth with it, wash their hair with it, douche with it, gargle with it, cuddle with it, marry it and on and on and on. It’d be like Dr. Bronner’s for Beliebers!

FYI: Hulk Hogan Is Still Creepy

Remember when barf trickled out of your ears when your brain continuously vomited after seeing pictures of Hulk Hogan lotion-ing up his grown daughter’s ass? Then remember when your soul cried itself into the fetal position after his phone rang in his sex tape and his ring tone was Brooke’s song? Well, here’s another nugget from Hulk Hogan that will give you the full body dry heaves. Hulk tweeted this picture of his daughter Brooke Hogan and added the caption: “Brooke’s legs.“

WHY?!!!!!!!!?

This sick ass exploding hot dog in a bandanna motherfucker. (“Don’t you mean daughterfu...” – you “Stop right there.” – me) It’s one thing for Hulk Hogan to drool all over his daughter, but it’s another to let everyone else know that he drools over Brooke’s legs. And when Hulk drools over Brooke’s legs, I don’t even want to know what he does with that drool. Just like simple math, that’s a place my brain never wants to go.

Source: Lords of Pain via ONTD

You Know You’re Every Kind Of Drunk When…..

Bronson Pelletier used to be known as “WHO?!” or that dude from Twilight and now he’s known as that drunk, dirty, sick motherfucker who pissed in the middle of LAX. Well, I guess being known as the dude who drunk pissed in the airport is better than being known as a dude from Twilight. So well, played, I mean, well peed, Bronson!

Last week, TMZ scooped CNN by breaking the highly important news story of how Bronson Pelletier was arrested for being a drunken mess at LAX. Brosnon was pulled off of his flight, because the pilot declared him way too messed up on the sweet nectar to fly. It was a good call, because if he wasn’t pulled off of that flight, he would’ve pissed in the aisle like he was R. Kelly and that plane floor was an underage girl, and every passenger would’ve gotten ten whiffs of beer-infused bladder water. Right after Bronson was kicked off the plane, he pulled out his weapon and pissed…. and pissed…. and pissed… and pissed…. and pissed until his extra long pee time was cut short by an officer who tackled him to the ground. The officer didn’t even let him shake!

At the time of his arrest, Bronson denied giving a golden shower show in the middle of the airport, but since the video has come out, his spokeswhore says he realizes he has a problem and is going to go to rehab to deal with his issues with booze and with getting piss happy in public.

You know, after watching that pissy mess of a video, I am so proud of myself for never being so damn drunk that an officer had to put my shit back into my panties after tackling me to the ground, because I made a pee pee all over the carpet. You should be proud of yourself too if you’ve never done that.

And yeah they could’ve cleaned that puddle of bad decisions up with a Bissel pet cleaner, but an easier way to clean it up would’ve been to let the Twihards in. Bronson Pelletier has been on the same set as Robert Pattinson. So there’s a chance he pissed in the urinal next to RPattz’s urinal. So there’s a chance some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes floated over to Bronson’s peen. So there’s a chance that some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes got on that airport carpet when Bronson did a #1 on it. Tell that to a Twihard, back up and let their wet vacuum coochie go to work.

“Remember When You Almost Killed My Ass In That Lamborghini? Ahahahahaha…”

RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn’t getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches… My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown’s foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.

Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown’s  outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, “He looks like he got dat thunda lightning.“

And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn’t a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.

FYI: Xtina Isn’t Wearing Panties Here

Snookitina was on Chelsea Lately (via UsWeekly) last night, which is sort of surprising since Chelsea has spit lukewarm hate at her before, but then again Chelsea hates on everything that isn’t a delicious bottle of vodka or Jennifer Aniston’s vagine. But Xtina said she only agreed to go on Chelsea Lately if Chelsea went pant-less, because Chelsea always makes fun of her for being allergic to pants. So there’s Chelsea sitting pant-less in a chair and Xtina just had to double the UGH by telling everyone she always lets her down low parts flap in the wind.

“I don’t like to wear underwear. I like to be as free as possible at all times. It’s just who I am. It’s empowering. It’s pussy power!”

It’s “empowering” for Xtina, but weird for the people who now know that whenever they stand around her they’re going to breath in the moist air her coochie breathes out. Who needs a humidifier when you’ve got Xtina’s misty poon?

I totally understand why Xtina doesn’t even bother with chonies. Drunktina is always boozed up and when you’re boozed up, panties just get in the way when you need to squat a piss out behind a dumpster in the Carl’s Jr. parking lot you made your piece drive into because your drunk bladder can’t wait until you get home. Besides, Xtina has so much pussy power down there that her labia rips off all panties. Bitch has got the Hulk of twats.

With all that being said, I CAN’T with Xtina for quoting the legendary Alexyss K. Tylor without giving credit.

Swingers

Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I’m more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.

There’s a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman’s cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody’s been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it’s on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can’t hear Brad’s blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to…love it and even…be kind of jealous?? It burns.

There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie’s cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don’t know what to think right now.

Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:

“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”

Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.