This should be good news for anyone who has wanted to get rid of a bunch of cash in a dumb way but can’t find a pack of matches or a paper shredder. You will soon have the chance to pay to watch Chris Brown and Soulja Boy work out their anger by wailing on each other.
But probably not!
When you hire JLo to perform at your event, you should know that you’re going to get a whole lot of rhinestone-embedded ass and enough thrusting 45-year-old coochie to fill several cougar parties. It wouldn’t be a JLo show unless you left with bruised eyeballs from her bouncing ass and bruised eardrums from her live singing. But well some “educational group” in Morocco must not have heard of JLo before (How very Mimi of them), because they are suing her for tainting the eyes of the innocent with her devilry wimmun’ parts while performing at a show in Rabat, Morocco’s capital.
JLo performed at the Mawazine World Rhythms International Music Festival on May 29th and she did what JLo does. The New York Daily News says that many people, including that unnamed educational group, are highly offended and have called for the resignation of Morocco’s minister of communications for allowing that unholy ho shit to air on public TV. The minister isn’t going to resign, but is meeting with the “ethics committee,” because he doesn’t think it was right for JLo’s ass to grace Moroccan TV screens. JLo has performed in Morocco before, but this is the first time her show has been aired on Moroccan TV.
The “unnamed educational group” is also suing the promoter. In their lawsuit, the educational group states that JLo “disturbed public order and tarnished women’s honor and respect.” Disturbed public order? Oh, so I guess she did sing live. If JLo is found guilty, which she won’t be, she could be thrown into prison for 1 month to 2 years.
TMZ posted some clips of JLo scooting skid marks of sin on the pure eyes of Morocco:
Somewhere, Mariah Carey is currently taking online courses to become a judge in Morocco so that she can get I Don’t Know Her’s case and lock that trick up FOREVER!
Here’s the future Morocco jail bird filming scenes for her new TV show Shades of Blue in L.A. on Friday.
Because Cannes is a truly formal and sophisticated event that only lets in the most refined and elegant swans (see: the piece of trash above), they have a seriously strict dress code and will spit on any pair of lady feet that aren’t propped up on a high heel. So if you’ve got medical issues and wearing high heels kills your feet and makes you walk like a constipated penguin, suck it up, trick! Put on those high heels and fake smile through the pain, because you gotta get into Cannes! If you have no legs, strap a high heel to your head or wear them on your hands, because rules are rules and you gotta get into Cannes!
Jlo and Iggy Azalea are going to perform their moist butt burp of a song “Booty” at the American Music Awards on Sunday night. When those two get together to perform a song called “Booty,” you should expect them to rub nalgas so hard that the plastic in Iggy’s ass will get hot and combust. ABC doesn’t want that to happen. They told Iggy and JLo the same thing that Kelly Preston tells John Travolta and his Scientology protege when she leaves them alone in a room together: Keep your b-holes away from each other!
TMZ says that ABC executives have thrown a list of ass “don’ts” at the two. They can’t rub asses and they can’t show their ass cracks. ABC has a serious fear of the butt. ABC is about as scared as Kim Kardashian’s anus bleacher when they separate her cheeks with a crowbar as they’re about to go in. The show will be on a 3-4 second delay and executives have made it clear that they will censor any butt action they think is too much for the innocent, pristine eyes of the public. ABC is okay with them spanking each other, though ABC also didn’t say anything about Iggy and JLo rimming each other or doing each other with a strap-on, so that stuff is probably okay too.
The American Music Awards is full of gaping assholes, so it’s funny that ABC is against a little butt action.
ABC is stupid. What’s the point of getting JLo and Iggy to perform a song called “Booty” if you’re not going to let them serve equal parts elegance and desperation by butt fucking each other with an invisible double-sided dildo? If JLo insists on singing live, ABC should let them do whatever they want with their butts. Because the sound of the pearl clutchers from the Parents Television Council screaming in terror at the sight of all that ass rubbing will drown out the sound of JLo’s hyena warble. What am I saying? The PTC isn’t going to watch the AMAs. They’ll be too busy fapping in the bedroom closet to that Sons of Anarchy sex montage as their little kids watch Hostel in the rec room.
This is probably the same face Kanye West makes when he comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast and finds Pimp Mama Kris and Satan finishing the last of the coffee at the kitchen table. It’s sort of reminiscent of Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” face. But according to Us Weekly, Kanye Kardashian managed to stuff his regret deep into the pit of his stomach long enough to rant out an insane delusion-soaked wedding speech at Saturday night’s Tacky Assholes Convention:
“They feel like it’s okay to put you on the tabloid covers to sell your image, to use you in an SNL spoof,” he said, per the observer. “We don’t negotiate. We’re not like that. We’re not stupid.” A little while later, he added, “The Kardashians are an industry!”
He also spoke about his and Kim’s inner circle, saying, “We are warriors! There is not one person at this table that has not had to defend us at some point or another.” Then, referring to a specific group of guests at the wedding, he added, “At this table…the combination of powers…can make the world a better place.” He called them “the most remarkable people of our time.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific: who exactly from guest list of Z-list has-beens and never-wases is he referring to? But I will say that he’s right about one thing: the Kardashians can make the world a better place…by volunteering for Mars One. Ooh, maybe that’s what he meant? “Don’t worry guys, Ricardo and I will watch your stuff while you’re gone!”
And it looks like North West (or as her mother calls her: ‘Sorry, have we met before?’) wasn’t lucky enough to hitch a ride back to LA with The Sock One, because here she is with Grandma Goblin on their way to the airport. I bet every time North throws that “Who the fuck are you???” face, Kris Jenner texts a picture of Prince George snuggling Duchess Kate to Satan with the message: “Hey, can you find out how to train a baby do this?”
In her latest attempt to make some cash money for her spendy ass self, Tori Spelling throws some random shade at Katie Holmes in her new book (via Radar), saying she “can’t sing for shit” along with calling her a plastic robot. Tori is the closest thing to a walking, talking hunk of plastic since Jeff from Today’s Special, so I’m sure she can smell her own, even through that pinched hunk of Silly Putty she calls a nose. In Spelling It Like It Is (uh… NO), she chronicles how they met at Trader Vic’s years ago when Katie was shooting Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Tori was still on 90210 and how “engaging” Katie was. A few years later, Tori was waiting for an appointment with a much-needed vocal coach when her delicate ears were assaulted.
“As I sat waiting outside his music room, I heard his prior appointment working with him in the other room. It was some actress singing horribly off-key … That made me feel better. I heard him say good-bye and then the actress walked out of the room. It was Katie Holmes.”
Tori blathered on about how Katie didn’t want to hug it out and be all buddy-buddy after not seeing each other for ten years after having drinks once, which makes it 100% obvious that Tori would be the worst and most clueless one night stand ever. You know the type- she corners you at the grocery store, tells you about every second of her life for the past five years but doesn’t even have the decency to remind you what her damn name is. She sashays off after sloppily kissing your cheek and throwing out a “call me!” as your junk start to inexplicably itch right before you remember she’s the chick that gave you crabs.
Since she undoubtedly has silicone for brains as well as boobs, Tori couldn’t think of anything to say and pulled out her patented move of using her kids as pawns.
She pulled out “the mommy card,” complimenting Holmes on her daughter, Suri and telling Holmes she had kids her own age.
Holmes didn’t bite, responding “Oh, do you?” Spelling claims.
“Then I was annoyed,” she writes.
“Come on. Okay, I know you’re busy. But you’re in the public eye. Don’t tell me you don’t follow the tabloids. Don’t tell me you don’t know anything about other celebrities and their kids.”
“Then we stood there,” she says. “She was just plastic. In a perfectly polite way. … My pits were drenched. I never sweat. It was that awkward. I thought, I know you’re not a robot because you can’t sing for shit …”
Katie took to her brand-new Twitter account with a “Mannequins don’t sweat. #blowfishplease”. Okay, she didn’t really tweet that, because she trying to figure out if she saw Tori standing motionless in a window at Macy’s. Is anybody surprised that Tori follows tabloids and can’t fathom a celebrity who doesn’t give a left nut fuck about other people or their kids? Tori is just bitter that she has to arrange her photo ops in advance while Katie can’t walk down the street with a damn cup of coffee without someone shoving a camera in her face.