Fresh off from solving the Malaysia Airlines mystery (Yes, she solved it, officials just refuse to listen!), Detective Courtney Love temporarily stepped away from putting her magnifying glass over the mystery of Jimmy Hoffa’s missing body (she thinks she found it at the bottom of a bottle of Adderall) and took her ass to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn to speak at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. Nirvana was inducted into the Hall of Fame along with the original members of KISS, Hall & Oates, Peter Gabriel, The E Street Band and Yusuf Islam (aka Cat Stevens). When Courtney went up to the mic, the audience hugged her with a welcoming applause and by that I mean they booed the internet-bought fillers right out of her lips.
After the surviving members of Nirvana and Kurt Cobain’s family spoke (Frances Bean had the sicks and couldn’t go), Courtney took the mic (at the 7:41 mark), waited for the audience to finish hitting her with a tidal wave of booos and then spit out some shit about how all those guys are her family. Strangely enough, while Courtney was spitting out words, Dave Grohl did not jump on her back and bite her cheek off while hitting her in the head with his trophy for saying that he humped on Frances Bean once. Courtney hugged Dave and I was expecting to see the kind of cold, awkward hug a bitchy brat would give to the boy she kicked in the dick on the playground after her mom and the principal forced her to apologize, but it seemed kind of genuine. Or maybe I just got contact high from Courtney’s speech.
Courtney and Dave didn’t totally hate each other last night, but I’m sure Crazy Ass Courtney will be back to her old tricks today and will write an anonymous Tumblr post where she’ll accuse Dave of digging up Kurt Cobain’s grave to hump his bones. Yes, I know, Kurt Cobain was cremated, but this is Courtney Love we’re talking about.
Here’s some pictures from last night’s Hall of Fame Ceremony including some of Bonnie Raitt, Emmylou Harris, KISS and Hall & Oates (who should also be inducted into the Panty Creamer Hall of Fame).
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
Well if this isn’t the most Wait, What? story to come out of left field, then I don’t know what is. Then again, the day is young and we haven’t checked in with Florida yet, so we still have time for a story about a guy named Tarvis who was arrested for cooking meth with an alligator in a Waffle House. But for now, let’s all enjoy how weird it is that Stevie Nicks is officiating weddings, shall we?
On Friday, Vanessa Carton, aka the girl who sings that song from your favourite scene in White Chicks, married lead singer and guitarist for Deer Tick (I think I just got Lyme disease from that name) John McCauley, and uploaded a picture of the ceremony to Instagram with the caption:
“Thanks Stevie for marrying us!”
Thanks Stevie?! Show some respect,
Michelle Branch Vanessa Carlton; that’s Miss Stevie Gypsy Goddess Rhiaaaaaanon Crazy Nicks to you. No other information was given as to how these two know each other, but it doesn’t take a genius to guess that they probably worked together years ago and they’re still friends bla bla bla.
However, it’s more fun to believe that Stevie Nicks is moonlighting as an ordained minister and is performing wedding ceremonies in her spare time. I bet she’s got a great Craigslist ad. Actually, one time I had a job where I did research for people (the stories I could tell, good lord) and I was asked to find a non-denominational wedding officiant for someone. I found this wedding officiant database and all of their descriptions were the exact same: “I arrive to your wedding wearing a clean pantsuit and tasteful makeup”. Which always got me thinking: Is this a problem in the wedding officiant community? Were people arriving in zip-off cargo shorts and Lil Kim makeup? And if so, where are these people located and are they available to officiate my trashy future wedding?
(Pic via Instagram)
YES it is two Lohan posts back to back with another sprinkling of politics because annoying the shit out of people is fun!!! And then there’s that slow news day angle, and I refuse to report on that Justin Bieber stolen video Twitter shit. Even a ho has standards.
Mitt Romney can finally quit lying awake at 3:00 am, clutching his teddy and staring at his ceiling tiles through streaming tears, wondering if he will get the oh-so-important nod of approval by Lindsay Lohan. The election gods have answered your prayers Mitt, and you have LiLo’s support and vote. Probably, possibly, maybe. Mitt’s camp must be thrilled.
E! Online (I know) says Lindsay was on the pink carpet at Mr Pink’s Ginseng Drink Event (sounds like some really vigorous lesbian action, HOT) and while she was struttin’ that ass she was asked who she was going to dangle her chad for.
She said “I just think employment is really important right now. So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.” Then she said “It’s a long story.”
It’s nice to see Lindsay finally coming to terms with her future employment options and getting real about something. I guess.
Here’s the #1 reason for why Steve Nicks should’ve been an American Idol judge this season. Stevie Nicks was once a mentor on that shit show, so The Daily (via Gawker) asked her what she thinks about the bitch brawl between Mimi and Nicki Minaj. Mimi might be scared that Nicki is going to bust a hot pink bullet into her cowardly lion weave, but Stevie Nicks isn’t scared of Nicki at all. Stevie would be making dresses out of dyed black sheets in prison if Nicki came at her like that.
“How dare this little girl…If I had been Mariah I would have walked over to Nicki and strangled her to death right there. I would have killed her in front of all those people and had to go to jail for it.
You really don’t mess with a crazy witch whose last “fuck” was eaten away by cocaine a long time ago. If American Idol is still using mentors, they should get Stevie, Dionne Warwick and Aretha Franklin to do it. Then they should gather those three in a room, throw Nicki Minaj in there, lock the door and tell the children to cover their ears, because it’s not going to be pretty.
It’s a damn shame that Stevie Nicks never had any children, because she’d make an amazing abuelita.
Mike Rowe, the host of both Discovery’s Dirty Jobs and many of your conscious fap dreams, took a break from swimming in shit rivers in the sewers to say stuff at a micro-manufacturing victory roundtable hosted by Mitt Romney in Bedford Heights, Ohio today. Romney invited Mike Rowe to the roundtable after Mike sent him a letter saying that this country needs to show more support for the blue collar workers. Mike sent the same letter to Obama in 2009, but didn’t get a response. So at the roundtable today, Mike said that we need to show more appreciation for the blue collar workers of America and try to make those jobs more desirable before robots from China replace US ALL! Mike never officially endorsed Romney, but I can’t say I’d be mad if he turned around, dropped his pants, spread his cheeks and showed us the Rowe 4 Romney tattoo he has on his prune lips.
USA Today has a rundown of what basically came out of Mike’s mouth today:
“We have unintentionally disconnected ourselves … from the most important part of our workforce,” Rowe said as he paid tribute to the “people who keep the lights on, people who allow toilets to work” and “people who pick up roadkill.”
Rowe, also known for his Ford commercials, made headlines when he penned an open letter to the GOP presidential nominee, asking for a “national conversation” about what he calls a “skills gap.”
“Our country has become emotionally disconnected from an essential part of our workforce,” Rowe wrote to Romney. “We are no longer impressed with cheap electricity, paved roads, and indoor plumbing. We take our infrastructure for granted, and the people who build it.”
Rowe said he accepted Romney’s invitation to be at the business roundtable so he could help put a spotlight on the need for skilled labor. “We need more opportunity and training,” Rowe said, adding that there also needs to be “desire” to do blue-collar jobs.
When he wrote the letter, Rowe told Romney he’d vote for him in November if he read the whole thing. He gave no clue on how he’ll cast his ballot.
The only thing I have to add after seeing Mike Rowe stand next to Mitt Romney with all those serious faces in the background is that it might take me a while…. and I might have to take breaks…. and I’ll definitely have to give myself a pep talk every few minutes…. and I’m going to use every possible lube in my kitchen cabinet, but I’m going to find a way to fap to this. And that is the dirtiest job of all.
(vid via Buzzfeed)