Dozens of celebrities gathered Tuesday night for “Hand in Hand: A Benefit for Hurricane Relief,” which broadcast live across 15 networks and 150 radio stations nationwide while streaming on social media. Django Unchained co-stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Jamie Foxx opened the hourlong special, with fellow presenting pairs Oprah Winfrey and Cher, Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Robert De Niro and Jon Stewart, and Sofia Vergara and Tyler Perry helping to raise more than $14 million before the program ended for the victims of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, the back-to-back Category 4 storms that ravaged Texas and Florida over the past two weeks.
That’s a whole hell of a lot of firepower right there! Sadly, nobody went “Full Kanye” on live television but Stevie Wonder, of all people, took it to church and called out all those climate change deniers in the NAME OF THE LORD!
Since current day Madge lives for giving the public several servings of her nalgitas, I was secretly hoping that her Prince tribute at tonight’s Billboard Music Awards would be nothing but her dancing to “Get Off” in his legendary ass-less yellow ensemble as Diamond and Pearl dropped it low around her. But instead of doing that, Madge decided to shove her live vocals into our ear drums while doing a 2am karaoke version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” and “Purple Rain.”
The good news is that Stevie Wonder helped Madge out and she dressed like a pimp-fied Liberace going to a gay child’s christening in the springtime (and that IS the look). The bad news is that she didn’t take a page out of Brit Brit’s performing live handbook by lip-synching.
I’m surprised that Prince didn’t drop down from heaven, snatch the mic out of Madge’s hand and just do it himself.
I like to imagine that’s also the face he’ll make the first time the baby spits up on him. “Aw hell, this dashiki is dry clean only. I’m getting too old for this shit!” Luckily, Stevie Wonder only has to deal with one type of baby barf. Remember last month when there was a rumor going around that 64-year-old Stevie had knocked a set of triplets into his girlfriend Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, thus guaranteeing his induction into the Fertile Pepaw Hall of Fame? Well, it turns out the three babies were just one, and it’s here now.
Stevie’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that Stevie became a father for the 9th time when Tomeeka birthed a baby girl named Nia. This is his second baby with Tomeeka. Stevie’s rep says they chose the name Nia because it means ‘purpose’, and that it’s one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But I’m pretending they named her after high-waisted jeans inspiration Nia Long.
I know 64 is technically pretty old to be dealing with a newborn, but there’s got to be a couple silver linings. For instance, you never have to worry about the baby not letting you sleep in, since you’re already waking up at 4am every morning. You both have a mutual respect for the other when it comes to having a difficult time going to the bathroom, and you’re both always taking naps. Plus, whenever you want to leave a party early, you can blame it on the baby. Frankly, I can’t see any problems! What’s that you say? Being constantly tired? Oh…right.
Yup, 9 months after this picture of Stevie Wonder pressing his fertile dick wand against that keytar was taken, it gave birth to his babies. Tickling the ivories, indeed.
I always praise KFed and Lil Wayne as the fertile, baby-making jizz gods of the celebrity world and I’ve been wrong this whole time. Because all of the praise needs to go to Stevie “The 8th World” Wonder and his army of potent, ovary egg-busting sperm fishes. If you bareback bone Stevie Wonder, there’s a 100% chance that your doctor will call you a few weeks later to say, “I just caaaaaaaaalled to saaaaaay YOU PREGNANT.” Stevie already has 8 kids with 5 different women and Page Six says that he’s about to be a father to triplets.
Some source says that 64-year-old Stevie’s 40-year-old girlfriend of a year Tomeeka Robyn Bracy is knocked up with a trio of fetuses. The source doesn’t say whether or not Stevie overjizzed his girlfriend naturally or if it was an IVF situation and he fapped into a plastic cup. If it’s the latter, that plastic cup is also pregnant. The only thing the source said is that Tomeeka’s got a gut full of Wonder babies and making babies makes him happy:
“It’s Stevie’s mechanism for his happiness. I don’t know that he set out to have 11 children, including triplets at his age, but it’s not like he isn’t happy about it or he can’t afford children.”
Tomeeka birthed out Stevie’s 8th child just last year. Stevie’s eldest kid, singer Aisha Morris, is 39. Stevie’s rep didn’t have shit to say about this.
Sitting at a high school graduation is hell, but sitting at a high school graduation when you’re 80-something years old sounds like hell’s hell. Who wants to suffer through that? But if Pepaw Stevie wants to spend his “vodka and prune juice on the lanai at 3pm” phase of life getting slobbered on by a baby, then good for him. I’m sure the workers in the child support check payment processing industry thank for him the job security. And before you slut shame Stevie Wonder for having 11 kids with 5 baby mothers, did you ever stop to think that maybe he thought he was busting raw nuts up into the same trick all these years?
My favorite tia’s name is Lupita, and so I have a special love for Lupita Nyong’o and I usually think that she could do no wrong and is the epitome of goddess. This entire awards show season, Lupita has killed hos with her elegance and I really thought there was no way she could fuck up fashion-wise. I thought that Lupita could show up to an award show with CROCs heels and a cinched Snuggie gown and we’d all get on our knees and worship her sophistication. But I learned something new today, Lupita can do wrong.
At the NAACP Awards in Pasadena, CA yesterday, Lupita showed up with Bram Stoker’s Dracula hair and a dress that looked like it was made of orange Fruit Roll-Ups, wrappers and all. She looks like a dehydrated mango slice. I shouldn’t look at Lupita and think, “Magatu’s long-lost love child, is that you, girl?” Also, that fugly dress isn’t doing good things to her chichis.
With all that being said, Lupita was still the hottest and probably best-dressed trick there. I mean, The Mighty O wore a tent dress that was designed by Coleman and Kerry Washington wore a dress that a knocked up 11th grader would wear to her junior prom. So Lupita won best dressed of the night by default.
And click here to see all the winners. ANGELA BASSETT WAS RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-BBDED!
America’s capital of fresh foolery will not be blessed by Stevie Wonder’s presence until the state drops its Stand-Your-Ground law into the deepest part of the swamp. After George Zimmerman was acquitted, tons of celebrities shook their head at the verdict and showed support for Trayvon Martin by dedicating songs to him, protesting in the streets and tweeting their rage. But Stevie Wonder isn’t going to just tweet out some Braille words of support for Trayvon (Side note: I CAN’T with @lilsteviewonder). Stevie is taking shit to the next level by boycotting Florida and any other state that has the Stand-Your-Ground law. No Disney World and Sushi the Drag Queen for Stevie!
During his show in Quebec City on Sunday night, Stevie stopped singing for a few minutes to say that he’s answering to the verdict in the Zimmerman case by boycotting Florida.
“I decided today that until the ‘Stand Your Ground’ law is abolished in Florida, I will never perform there again. As a matter of fact, wherever I find that law exists, I will not perform in that state or in that part of the world. The truth is that — for those of you who’ve lost in the battle for justice, wherever that fits in any part of the world — we can’t bring them back. What we can do is we can let our voices be heard. And we can vote in our various countries throughout the world for change and equality for everybody. That’s what I know we can do.”
HuffPo says that even though Zimmerman’s lawyers didn’t use the SYG law in his defense, the jury talked about it. The crazy ass, fame whoring, money hungry juror, who got and then dropped a book deal, told The Silver Fox on Mah Boo 369Me last night that the jury did discuss the SYG law during deliberations.
HuffPo points out that at least 22 states have some version of the Stand-Your-Ground law.
So many people on my Facebook and Twitter feeds have been saying that we should just really give Florida to Mexico in exchange for a box of chicle and Ensenada. I disagreed with all of their asses, because if we didn’t have Florida, where would we get our hourly dose of beautiful fuckery from? (Oh, I guess we’ll still have Arizona, Texas, Bakersfield, etc…)
Yes, you can joke that Stevie’s people can take him to Florida and tell him it’s somewhere else, but that wasn’t not funny and it would never work. Because every time I step off a plane in Florida, I can feel the humid fuckery fill my lungs.