On Tuesday night, Elizabeth Banks accepted the Crystal Award for Excellence in Film at the 2017 Crystal + Lucy Awards in Los Angeles. During her acceptance speech, she pointed out the lack of good female roles available in Hollywood. It didn’t go as well as she probably hoped.
That answers my question about if Shia LaBeouf got kidnapped during his hitchhiking performance art piece through the country. Shia is fine and he’s back doing what Shia does: trying really hard to convince us that he’s one of the most actor-y actors who ever actored.
During an interview with Variety about his latest movie, American Honey, Shia talked about how his relationship with booze is over and he also talked about Steven Spielberg. I’ve got a feeling that relationship too will be officially over about 0.3 seconds after Steven Spielberg reads how Shia dragged him in this Variety interview.
There weren’t too many surprises at last night’s Oscars, even Leonardo DiCaprio winning. They basically had to give it to him at this point. I haven’t seen The Revenant because I don’t need that drama in my life, but that shit is literally Leo screaming “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?! GET MAULED AND CRAWL THROUGH SHIT?! I WILL!” so, yeah, he did and they were like “That’ll do pig. That’ll do.” But there was one major snub – the real winner of the night, Kate Capshaw and her magnificent bangs!
There’s so much “yes” happening in what she gave us last night that it’s hard to pick a place to start. The Victor/Victoria look she pulled was all kinds of Hollywood rich white lady telling her stylist “I want to be different! Something that’s really a take on old Hollywood glamour but done with a wink and a twist… Maybe… Yes! A tuxedo! Imagine! A woman in a tuxedo! That’ll give the press something to talk about!” She shimmied and shammied her way down the red carpet and stole mostly everyone’s thunder.
But the hair. That masterpiece. That crowning glory of achievement in hairstyling! I don’t know how Margot Robbie and Jared Leto, who presented the award for Best Hair and Makeup, didn’t drop down to their knees, praise the kindness of the powers that be and announce Kate’s hair as the only hair worthy of an Oscar. The cut is giving me shades of Catherine Tramell in Basic Instinct 2 (which was robbed and did not receive any Oscar nominations when it came out in 2006) so of course I love it because nothing is better than Sharon Stone with a mean little mop. And that expensive salon stripper highlight is pure magic. Nothing adds kick to an already edgy, layered hairstyle like extreme lowlights and highlights. They say a hairstyle can change a person’s look but this magical creature is apparently capable of a head transplant. To top it all off, we now know who to thank for the genius that is Catherine O’Hara’s look and inspiration for her character on Schitt’s Creek, Moira Rose.
I’d like to thank the Academy for having the Oscars and thereby giving us all the beautiful gift that is Kate Capshaw and her inspirational and aspirational bangs. I’m off to get a clip in, but you guys enjoy this gallery of Kate, her hair and her husband, Steven Spielberg:
Pics: Wenn, ITV Studios Global
Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.
I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.
Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.
Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.
The Internet is still raging over that Texas cheerleader busting out a cunt smile happily while posing with the friends and family members of Simba that she killed or tranquilized in Africa. So a guy on Facebook named Jay Branscomb decided to respond to all the hos raging out of their bodies over the gross trophy hunter pictures by posting a picture of a proud Steven Spielberg posing in front of a fake Triceratops he just hunted and brutally murdered for sport. Jay left this note with the picture:
Disgraceful photo of recreational hunter happily posing next to a Triceratops he just slaughtered. Please share so the world can name and shame this despicable man.
The picture made the rounds on Facebook and of course somebody’s kindergarten friend’s cousin’s auntie’s weed man’s baby sitter’s uncle’s side piece’s pimp’s brother’s next door neighbor who doesn’t know what dinosaurs are and wasn’t born with the ability to recognize blatant satire dragged that soulless, animal-murdering asshole monster Steven Spielberg for horrifically killing
God’s Industrial Light & Magic’s beautiful creation.
Before she turned Steven Spielberg over to PETAD (People for the Ethical Treatment of Artificial Dinosaurs), this dinosaur-rights activist really gave it to him.
In Steven Spielberg’s defense, maybe that dinosaur isn’t dead. Maybe it’s sick in the stomach from eating bad plants or it smoked a joint with Jeff Goldbum while taking a break from filming the dinosaur documentary Jurassic Park.
I skimmed through the thread under that picture and some bitches seem genuinely mad about it. Either they’re brilliant satirists or their brains were replaced by hard drives that make them desperately search the Internet for shit to be offended by. Just when we’re all starting to think that there’s no way humans can get dumber, Facebook shows us that we can!
And those hos should really save their rage for when they see pictures of Steven Spielberg on the set of Schinder’s List.
Not everyone appreciates the deep thoughts that ejaculate out of Megan Fox’s brain and pass through a broken filter before trickling out of her mouth hole. File Steven Spielberg’s name under the “not everyone” category.
Shia LaDouche recently said that Megan left the Transformers movies, because she’s like Steinem Spice and she was sick of Michael Bay directing her like she was a Real Doll. But Michael Bay tells the Daily Mail that the real reason why Megan got fired is because she hailed her foot right into her damn mouth. Normally, the sight of Megan Fox tickling her tonsils with her toe nails would make a bitch like her, but not Steven Spielberg, who is the executive producers of that Transformers mess.
During an interview a couple of years ago, Professor Whore Face Einstein said that Michael Bay is a nightmare to work with and acts like Hitler when he gets on a movie set. That verbal shit nugget put Megan at the top of Shitler’s List. Michael says, “You know the Hitler thing. Steven (Spielberg) said, fire her right now.”
Since Transformers, Megan’s career has consisted of Jonah Hex and an indie movie where she played a slutty angel who had to dry hump on Mickey Rourke’s salmon jerky body. I know that Michael Bay is basically the Joe Francis of movie directors, but this version of The Fall of Megan Fox actually makes sense. Steven Spielberg is not the one to fuck with in Hollywood. Fuck with him and your name will become nothing but a faded skid mark on the dirty chonies of Hollywood. You’ll be lucky to get a job as a fluffer in an afternoon burro show in a basement on the outskirts of Tijuana. Which would be a step up from Jonah Hex actually.