The L.A. District Attorney Has Dismissed Cases Against Kevin Spacey, Anthony Anderson, And Steven Seagal
Kevin Spacey, Anthony Anderson, and Steven Seagal were all being investigated by the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office for various sex crimes cases. The Hollywood Reporter says all three can let out a big sigh of relief, for the District Attorney’s Office has decided not to prosecute any of them. Well, Kevin’s sigh might be just a medium one; he is still under investigation in London, after all.
This morning, Steven Seagal brought his stenciled Eddie Munster hairline to talk about politics, his beloved Russia, and NFL players taking a knee. Steven, who appeared via satellite live from Moscow, was asked by lingering pâté fart Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain about the current political climate in the USA. A few years ago, Steven announced he was thinking of running for Governor of Arizona because he’s a real “Build That Wall” type. Last year he became a Russian citizen. So I think you can already guess what Steven had to say about American politics.
NPR says that Steven Seagal, who is looking more and more like a nutsack with a Sharpie goatee drawn on it, is now a citizen of Russia and it’s all thanks to his sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. Steven has dreamed of becoming a Russian and today, Vladimir Putin made that dream come true by farting up a presidential degree that grants him citizenship. Putin has man-crushed on Steven for a while, and in 2013, Steven used their bro-mance to “open doors” for six U.S. Congressional members who wanted to visit Russia to learn more about the Boston Marathon bombing. Putin also wanted to make his Aikido-kicking American sweetheart an honorary consul, so that Steven could work as a go-between him and President Obama. In other words, Putin has a real leaky boner for Steven Seagal.
Steven Seagal shouldn’t be allowed to take care of an empty can of Arizona iced tea left in a gutter, but the bloated yam with a pussy bush goatee thinks he has what it takes to take care of business in the state of Arizona. Vladimir Putin’s boo tells KNXV-TV (via Gawker) that he and his other boo, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, have talked about the possibility of him causing the citizens of Arizona to drown in an ocean of their own tears and laughs by running for governor.
“Joe Arpaio and me were talking about me running for governor in Arizona, which is kind of a joke, but I suppose I would remotely consider it. But probably I would have a lot of other responsibilities that may be important to address.”
And what are those other responsibilities that Steven needs to address? The constipated bear in a human suit says that America’s biggest problem is that it’s been taken over by a bunch of illegal immigrant criminals! Steven sees illegal Mexican murderers and rapists everywhere! Steven screamed, “Just look at all those illegal Mexicans out there! They’re everywhere. Oh wait, everyone looks yellow for some reason. There’s illegal Asians everywhere!” Take off your glasses, Steve…
Steven said this when the reporter asked him what he thinks America’s biggest problem is:
“Believe it or not, open borders. People are talking about, ‘Oh, Islamic terrorism in America!’ I don’t think it’s that at all, I think our biggest problem is open borders. I think that across these borders, any kind of terrorism can come and does come, and I think this is a tremendous oversight by the current administration. I think that it’s a crime and we should really be paying attention to our borders.”
Steven believes that a lot of the immigants coming in are hardened criminals. Steven says that Sheriff Joe isn’t a racist and neither is he, because they don’t see race when going after the evil doers. Yes, Steven we get it, you hate illegal humans, but you love the illegal pills that you force feed your sex slaves with. Got it.
I’m going to have to disagree with Steven. I don’t think this country’s biggest problem is open borders. This country’s biggest problem is the citizens who think it’s perfectly okay and acceptable to have a shoe polish widow’s peak when their name isn’t Eddie Munster. It is not okay. It is not acceptable.
As much as I’d love to see a governor conduct state business while wearing a four-sizes-too-small sleeveless kimono, I can’t with this. Steven Seagal ran over a puppy with a tank. Steven Seagal is a puppy killer! Steven Seagal is a menace to puppies in Arizona and puppies everywhere! Is there anything else we need to know?