Yes, I’m completely serious. Randy Newman gave us “I Love L.A.”, which in turn gave us a fame-hungry Kris Kardashian performing the cringeworthy masterpiece “I Love My Friends“, and for that we should be forever grateful.
After 9 years of confusing your right-wing uncle (“I don’t get it…does he hate Obamacare or not?“) Stephen Colbert said goodbye to The Colbert Report last night so that he could move into David Letterman’s old office at The Late Show. And just like Chelsea Handler did when she pulled the plug on Chelsea Lately in August, Stephen gathered a bunch of his famous friends together to sing “We’ll Meet Again”. Television: like a big-budget summer camp. Stephen was joined by the Cheers to his Frasier, Jon Stewart, as well as every other human on the planet. Bryan Cranston! Bill Clinton! Willie Nelson! North Korean Enemy No. 1 James Franco! Cookie Monster! You know you’re a big deal when you get Cookie Monster (I heard he’s a notorious recluse).
But my favorite part is around the 3:13 mark when Andy Cohen shows up and fucking BRINGS IT. Andy is singing like he’s got RuPaul, Michelle Visage, and Santino in the audience and there’s a lifetime supply of ColorEvolution cosmetics at stake.
Since Stephen Colbert the character won’t be going to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the person, the show ends with Stephen Colbert flying away forever in a sleigh with Santa, Abraham Lincoln, and Alex Trebek. That’s an ok ending, but what I really would have liked to have seen was Stephen Colbert ripping off his mask and revealing that it was Chuck Noblet the whole time.
At the Emmys last night, Gwen Stefani let America know that she might be the only celebrity trick in America who doesn’t know how to pronounce “Colbert.” John Travolta is obviously Gwen Stefani’s personal award show presenter coach, because while presenting the Emmy for Outstanding Variety/Music/Comedy Series with bearded douche rod Adam Levine, Gwen pronounced “Colbert” as “Colbort.” I think I know what a “Colbort” is. Isn’t it that stuff you smear on your “surfbort” so you can grip it better?
Smearing the innocent blood of virgin nuns over her skin to stay looking like that might’ve fucked with her brain, because bitch had one job and she screwed it up. Even Adam Levine cringed a little inside and when Adam Levine is embarrassed by your ass, then I don’t even know bitch.
After winning, Colbort told reporters backstage that he plans to join forces with Adele Dazeem and start a foundation which helps to educate celebrities who can’t pronounce names right at award shows. No, he didn’t say that, but he did say this:
“I think I might just change my name to Colborg.”
Well, the good news is that if Colbert changes his name to “Colbort” or “Colborg,” he will definitely be able to find his last name on a tiny license plate at a gift shop.
James Franco was on The Colbert Report last night to promote his new movie Child of God, and for the most part it was as if Stephen Colbert was talking to a human-sized drugged squirrel. But towards the end, it sort of all falls off the rails into awkward town when that stoned rodent tries to get Stephen Colbert to break character.
It all starts around the 5:52 mark, when Stephen Colbert decides that it’s time to wrap up his chat with James Franco and slowly pushes his ass towards the door by saying “Well, it was great seeing you again”. Except instead of realizing that the signal to go backstage and collect the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos his publicist promised him if he was able to get through the interview without falling asleep or reciting his shitty poetry, he tries to trick Stephen Colbert into breaking character by asking him questions about his new job as the host of The Late Show when David Letterman retires. That, or he tried to have a real discussion with a fake character. And if that’s the case, then now would be a great time to remind ourselves that James Franco is a PhD candidate at Yale. “We done fucked up” – Yale.
Of course, Stephen Colbert shot him a look as if to say “Like hell this obnoxious douche is going to trip me up.” So he stayed in character and cut him off by saying: “Now, here’s the interesting thing: I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
And even though we have video proof of what happened, James Franco is going to write a “non-fiction” short story about the time he managed to successfully bamboozle master improviser Stephen Colbert, blowing his cover and forcing Comedy Central to cancel The Colbert Report.
……Well, Chelsea Handler drowns her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka every morning, because it’s part of her daily beauty regimen, but today she has another reason to drown her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka. CBS just announced that the ho who will slide onto David Letterman’s chair after he farts on it for one last time won’t be Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Ellen DeGeneres, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart or Grumpy Cat. It’ll be Stephen Colbert. Here’s a piece of the announcement that CBS burped up:
The CBS Television Network today announced that Stephen Colbert, the host, writer and executive producer of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning “The Colbert Report,” will succeed David Letterman as the host of THE LATE SHOW, effective when Mr. Letterman retires from the broadcast. The five-year agreement between CBS and Colbert was announced by Leslie Moonves, President and CEO, CBS Corporation, and Nina Tassler, Chairman of CBS Entertainment.
“Stephen Colbert is one of the most inventive and respected forces on television,” said Moonves. “David Letterman’s legacy and accomplishments are an incredible source of pride for all of us here, and today’s announcement speaks to our commitment of upholding what he established for CBS in late night.”
“Simply being a guest on David Letterman’s show has been a highlight of my career,” said Colbert. “I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave’s lead.”
Adding, “I’m thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.”
And by “grind a gap in my front teeth” he meant “chip my front tooth as I dive into the pool of gold coins that CBS gave me!”
I guess this means, RIP The Colbert Report. “We did it! We did it!” – Suey Park the godmother of that #CancelColbert shit
UPDATE: Showbiz411 says that Chelsea Handler will most likely take over for Craig Ferguson as host of The Late Late Show. And I hope that Heather McDonald’s long boobs will take Chelsea’s spot on E!.
Donald Trump shat out his “October Surprise” for Obama yesterday and it turned out to be nothing but a heap of lukewarm shit, which is kind of ironic since I don’t think Trump has squatted out a proper caca since the 80s. The stick up his culo gets in the way, so nowadays he just shits through his mouth. But something beautiful has grown out of Trump’s piece of trash offer to Obama and that something beautiful is the image of Stephen Colbert dipping his crotch prunes in Trump’s sewer hole of a mouth.
On last night’s Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert gave Trump an offer he shouldn’t refuse: Stephen will give $1 million to Trump’s charity of choice if he lets Stephen dippeth those nuts into la boca.
“Mr Trump, I will write you a check for $1 million dollars from Colbert Super PAC – you know I’ve got it – to the charity of your choice. Anything. Save The Children. Feed The Children. Put The Children on Child Apprentice, whatever! One million actual dollars, if you will let me dip my balls in your mouth – one million. But… this dipping, and I hope you’re listening very carefully Mr Trump. This dipping has to be to my and more importantly, my balls’ satisfaction. One caveat… one caveat. My balls must be in your mouth no later than 5pm October 31st.”
I hate politics and I hate this election, but I LOVE nuts in mouths.
This should be a no brainer for Trump (I set that one up for you), because he’s a teabagger and everyone knows that you’re not an official teabagger until a testicle hair has tickled your tonsils. They do that during the initiation ceremony (“Then why aren’t you a teabagger by now, Michael?” – you “Good point.” – Me). And this is also sort of fitting, because Donald Trump is an oozing hairy pimple on humanity’s nutsack.
And this is the reason why the nutsack condom (it’s like a shower cap for your huevos) was invented.
via Digital Spy