Casey Affleck, an actor who you may know as Ben Affleck’s brother or Jimmy’s friend Russell from To Die For (probably the second one), is currently in a movie called Triple 9. And just like every actor trying to get asses in theater seats, Casey is hustling Triple 9 on the talk show circuit. The only problem is that it appears Casey would rather clean the crotch sweat stains out of his big brother’s Batman suit than have to make small talk about his movie to Stephen Colbert.
Casey was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, and you could feel the “I don’t want to be here” vibes right away. Casey looked like a hungover supply teacher (Note from Michael: That’s “substitute teacher” to us ‘Muricans) who is counting down the seconds till he can throw on a DVD full of Heritage Minutes and take a nap in his car. Or as Stephen Colbert observed, a “street corner Jesus.” Casey didn’t like Stephen’s comments about his clothes. But Stephen kept going, because he left all his fucks in his old office at Comedy Central.
Eventually Stephen moved on from Casey’s hobo Stu Pickles cosplay, but it didn’t get any less awkward. Behold, all five minutes and fifty-four seconds of Casey Affleck’s living nightmare.
“Those bitches stole our look!” hissed David Letterman and Madonna.
Who knows if Casey’s uncomfortable laughter and over-it silences were the result of his brain telling him he’s too good for this talk show or he was high on prescription-strength Fuckitol or that it was the Triple 9 PR team’s sneaky way of getting some publicity. But there are places out there that are a lot worse for an actor than The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Like The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Casey, being called a street corner Jesus is nothing compared to the humiliation of being in one of those Ew! sketches.
According to People, Amal Clooney is currently risking her life in the Maldives where she’s meeting with her client, the country’s former president who’s in prison right now. While Amal was busy doing that, her over-baked trophy husband George Clooney was in NYC doing a much MUCH much more important job. George was Stephen Colbert’s very first guest on The Late Show last night and his only jobs were to talk about himself and christen the guest chair with a fart.
Besides being George Clooney, George Clooney didn’t really have anything to promote, so he showed a fake movie trailer he made in the hallway 10 minutes before coming out and Colbert brought up his current favorite project to talk about: his marriage. After Colbert gave Clooney a belated wedding gift (a Tiffany paperweight with the words “I Don’t Know You” on it), Clooney called himself Amal’s trophy piece and bragged that they proved the hating whores wrong! via People
Colbert prodded the leading man about his marriage to human rights lawyer Amal, with Clooney joking, “They said it wouldn’t last.” Colbert said he had no doubt the newlyweds would go the distance and asked Clooney what it was like to be “the arm candy in the relationship.”
“Because she’s a very serious person. She must say, ‘we’re going to meet some extremely intelligent people tonight,’ ” said Colbert. Clooney said of his new arm candy status: “”Shiny and pretty – that’s mostly what I do now.”
George and Amal will celebrate their 1st anniversary of cheesing it up for the cameras on September 27th, and it feels like it was only five seconds ago when we nearly tore our eye muscles from rolling our eyeballs over those two giving FACE FACE FACE to the paps. My eye muscles haven’t even completely healed yet and they’re already celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary. But really, George doesn’t give us hating whores enough credit. Us hating, bitter whores figure that George’s marriage will last until at least the middle of 2016, because what’s the point of getting married if he’s not going to use his wife for a minimum of 2 award seasons?
And if you didn’t watch Colbert’s first show, this is really the only moment you need to see:
I don’t know what this says about me, but I was secretly hoping that Stephen Colbert’s pants would split and he’d give us a Lenny.
Pics: Splash, CBS
After that last depressing post, I figured a palate cleanser was needed and there’s no better palate cleanser than one that leaves chest and wigs hairs on your tongue.
Second City dug into their archives and pulled out this vintage clip from 1994 of a topless Steve Carrell getting blown Beyonce-style while wearing a Fabio wig. At around the 0:43 mark in the video below, Steve Carrell and his luxurious bear rug torso make an appearance and he serves up panty creaming seduction as Fabio while Stephen Colbert does his voice. Who knew that back then Steve Carrell was built like a beefy 70s gay porn star?
And yes, yes, I’d hit it, but only if he wore that 2 cent polyester Fabio wig and Stephen Colbert voiced his fuck moans.
Yes, I’m completely serious. Randy Newman gave us “I Love L.A.”, which in turn gave us a fame-hungry Kris Kardashian performing the cringeworthy masterpiece “I Love My Friends“, and for that we should be forever grateful.
After 9 years of confusing your right-wing uncle (“I don’t get it…does he hate Obamacare or not?“) Stephen Colbert said goodbye to The Colbert Report last night so that he could move into David Letterman’s old office at The Late Show. And just like Chelsea Handler did when she pulled the plug on Chelsea Lately in August, Stephen gathered a bunch of his famous friends together to sing “We’ll Meet Again”. Television: like a big-budget summer camp. Stephen was joined by the Cheers to his Frasier, Jon Stewart, as well as every other human on the planet. Bryan Cranston! Bill Clinton! Willie Nelson! North Korean Enemy No. 1 James Franco! Cookie Monster! You know you’re a big deal when you get Cookie Monster (I heard he’s a notorious recluse).
But my favorite part is around the 3:13 mark when Andy Cohen shows up and fucking BRINGS IT. Andy is singing like he’s got RuPaul, Michelle Visage, and Santino in the audience and there’s a lifetime supply of ColorEvolution cosmetics at stake.
Since Stephen Colbert the character won’t be going to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the person, the show ends with Stephen Colbert flying away forever in a sleigh with Santa, Abraham Lincoln, and Alex Trebek. That’s an ok ending, but what I really would have liked to have seen was Stephen Colbert ripping off his mask and revealing that it was Chuck Noblet the whole time.
At the Emmys last night, Gwen Stefani let America know that she might be the only celebrity trick in America who doesn’t know how to pronounce “Colbert.” John Travolta is obviously Gwen Stefani’s personal award show presenter coach, because while presenting the Emmy for Outstanding Variety/Music/Comedy Series with bearded douche rod Adam Levine, Gwen pronounced “Colbert” as “Colbort.” I think I know what a “Colbort” is. Isn’t it that stuff you smear on your “surfbort” so you can grip it better?
Smearing the innocent blood of virgin nuns over her skin to stay looking like that might’ve fucked with her brain, because bitch had one job and she screwed it up. Even Adam Levine cringed a little inside and when Adam Levine is embarrassed by your ass, then I don’t even know bitch.
After winning, Colbort told reporters backstage that he plans to join forces with Adele Dazeem and start a foundation which helps to educate celebrities who can’t pronounce names right at award shows. No, he didn’t say that, but he did say this:
“I think I might just change my name to Colborg.”
Well, the good news is that if Colbert changes his name to “Colbort” or “Colborg,” he will definitely be able to find his last name on a tiny license plate at a gift shop.
James Franco was on The Colbert Report last night to promote his new movie Child of God, and for the most part it was as if Stephen Colbert was talking to a human-sized drugged squirrel. But towards the end, it sort of all falls off the rails into awkward town when that stoned rodent tries to get Stephen Colbert to break character.
It all starts around the 5:52 mark, when Stephen Colbert decides that it’s time to wrap up his chat with James Franco and slowly pushes his ass towards the door by saying “Well, it was great seeing you again”. Except instead of realizing that the signal to go backstage and collect the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos his publicist promised him if he was able to get through the interview without falling asleep or reciting his shitty poetry, he tries to trick Stephen Colbert into breaking character by asking him questions about his new job as the host of The Late Show when David Letterman retires. That, or he tried to have a real discussion with a fake character. And if that’s the case, then now would be a great time to remind ourselves that James Franco is a PhD candidate at Yale. “We done fucked up” – Yale.
Of course, Stephen Colbert shot him a look as if to say “Like hell this obnoxious douche is going to trip me up.” So he stayed in character and cut him off by saying: “Now, here’s the interesting thing: I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
And even though we have video proof of what happened, James Franco is going to write a “non-fiction” short story about the time he managed to successfully bamboozle master improviser Stephen Colbert, blowing his cover and forcing Comedy Central to cancel The Colbert Report.