Last night’s Emmy was all about roasting Trump and host Stephen Colbert was the first to grab a stick and poke the fire during his opening monologue. Seth Meyers got in a mild shot at the expense of a very old tweet. Then towards the end, Stephen Colbert surprised the audience by bringing out one of Trump’s ex-minions. No, not Scaramucci, the one that…no, not Bannon. The guy before who – you know what, there’s been too many and this could take all day. He brought out Sean Spicer.
Happy Father’s Day, fathers, who are also Dlisted readers! We know you work hard to make sure your children don’t grow up to be assholes all year round, so this day is for you! (And if you’re not doing that, please start. Because if one more person talks in a movie behind me…)
The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert and Milo Ventimiglia got together to film this tribute to hot TV dads like Milo. Stephen did to Milo Ventilator what should always be done to Milo Ventilator – tore his clothes off. Ok, just his sleeves. Perhaps he’s waiting for a future holiday to get at his pants. My mom’s birthday is coming up, will that do?
Watch Stephen bare Milo Ventilator’s guns below.
Brad Pitt’s got a movie to sell, Netflix’s War Machine, which would explain why he’s suddenly back from his post-split hiatus. Last night, Brad made an appearance on Late Night with Stephen Colbert during the reoccurring segment Big Questions With Even Bigger Stars. Brad and Stephen Colbert laid out on a blanket and asked each other deep questions. Surprisingly, one of the questions Stephen asked wasn’t: “What’s that smell? It’s like a dirty shirt took a nap inside a beard sprinkled with nutritional yeast.” Instead it was more like the conversation that would happen after two bros watched Cosmos for the first time.
I bet most famous people would beg their agents not to let anyone film them at such an unflattering angle. But not Brad. Brad was into it, and I’m sure he didn’t leave after they cut to commercial. Plugging movies can be so exhausting. I wouldn’t be surprised if he grabbed the corner of that blanket, rolled into a flannel burrito, and asked “Is it cool if I catch a quick nap here? This fake grass is hella comfy.”
Here’s Brad Pitt arriving at the Late Show in New York yesterday. It’s not know where he was coming from, but based on that outfit, I’d guess he just came from yelling at kids to get off his dang lawn.
Tom Hiddleston went on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night to promote all things Hiddleston including the TV mini-series The Night Manager, which comes out in the US next month, and the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light, which is out now. Stephen put the panty pudding prince of Tumblr on the spot twice. The first time was when he brought up the fact that Tom Hiddleston’s nalgas became a hashtag after he bared them in The Night Manager, and many Hiddlestoners probably used the picture of his butt to make an exact mold which they spoon with every night. (Stephen Colbert didn’t bring up that last part, but he was probably thinking it.) The second time Colbert put Tom Hiddleston on the spot was when he asked Tom to yodel out a Hank Williams song.
At first Tom refused to fill the ears of the audience with his gorgeous singing voice for free, but he eventually gave in after Stephen started singing “I Saw The Light.” At around the 2:46 mark, watch and listen to country’s hottest new duo since Dolly & Sly:
Stephen Colbert must obviously be a robot or an alien, or both. Because any human who can feel things would immediately cum themselves into a coma if the one and only Tom Hiddleston looked into their eyes while serenading them. Yup, Colbert’s totally a robot alien.
Casey Affleck, an actor who you may know as Ben Affleck’s brother or Jimmy’s friend Russell from To Die For (probably the second one), is currently in a movie called Triple 9. And just like every actor trying to get asses in theater seats, Casey is hustling Triple 9 on the talk show circuit. The only problem is that it appears Casey would rather clean the crotch sweat stains out of his big brother’s Batman suit than have to make small talk about his movie to Stephen Colbert.
Casey was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, and you could feel the “I don’t want to be here” vibes right away. Casey looked like a hungover supply teacher (Note from Michael: That’s “substitute teacher” to us ‘Muricans) who is counting down the seconds till he can throw on a DVD full of Heritage Minutes and take a nap in his car. Or as Stephen Colbert observed, a “street corner Jesus.” Casey didn’t like Stephen’s comments about his clothes. But Stephen kept going, because he left all his fucks in his old office at Comedy Central.
Eventually Stephen moved on from Casey’s hobo Stu Pickles cosplay, but it didn’t get any less awkward. Behold, all five minutes and fifty-four seconds of Casey Affleck’s living nightmare.
“Those bitches stole our look!” hissed David Letterman and Madonna.
Who knows if Casey’s uncomfortable laughter and over-it silences were the result of his brain telling him he’s too good for this talk show or he was high on prescription-strength Fuckitol or that it was the Triple 9 PR team’s sneaky way of getting some publicity. But there are places out there that are a lot worse for an actor than The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Like The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Casey, being called a street corner Jesus is nothing compared to the humiliation of being in one of those Ew! sketches.
According to People, Amal Clooney is currently risking her life in the Maldives where she’s meeting with her client, the country’s former president who’s in prison right now. While Amal was busy doing that, her over-baked trophy husband George Clooney was in NYC doing a much MUCH much more important job. George was Stephen Colbert’s very first guest on The Late Show last night and his only jobs were to talk about himself and christen the guest chair with a fart.
Besides being George Clooney, George Clooney didn’t really have anything to promote, so he showed a fake movie trailer he made in the hallway 10 minutes before coming out and Colbert brought up his current favorite project to talk about: his marriage. After Colbert gave Clooney a belated wedding gift (a Tiffany paperweight with the words “I Don’t Know You” on it), Clooney called himself Amal’s trophy piece and bragged that they proved the hating whores wrong! via People
Colbert prodded the leading man about his marriage to human rights lawyer Amal, with Clooney joking, “They said it wouldn’t last.” Colbert said he had no doubt the newlyweds would go the distance and asked Clooney what it was like to be “the arm candy in the relationship.”
“Because she’s a very serious person. She must say, ‘we’re going to meet some extremely intelligent people tonight,’ ” said Colbert. Clooney said of his new arm candy status: “”Shiny and pretty – that’s mostly what I do now.”
George and Amal will celebrate their 1st anniversary of cheesing it up for the cameras on September 27th, and it feels like it was only five seconds ago when we nearly tore our eye muscles from rolling our eyeballs over those two giving FACE FACE FACE to the paps. My eye muscles haven’t even completely healed yet and they’re already celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary. But really, George doesn’t give us hating whores enough credit. Us hating, bitter whores figure that George’s marriage will last until at least the middle of 2016, because what’s the point of getting married if he’s not going to use his wife for a minimum of 2 award seasons?
And if you didn’t watch Colbert’s first show, this is really the only moment you need to see:
I don’t know what this says about me, but I was secretly hoping that Stephen Colbert’s pants would split and he’d give us a Lenny.
Pics: Splash, CBS