When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
The Kentucky Derby was today and I don’t know who’s supposed to win (or if somebody already won, I don’t know who won) and I don’t think the celebrities who went even know. They just go because they want to wear a dead bird on their head and get drunk on whatever liquor brand is sponsoring the event. Larry Birkhead and his Sun-In highlights show up year after year after year and this year he figured that if he’s going to drag Dannielynn onto the red carpet he might as well let her wear a costume.
Larry and his daughter with Anna Nicole Smith served up some Penguin Dance realness at the Kentucky Derby today. It’s kind of cute and it’s kind of weird, but they looked better than 99.9% of the hos there. They should make this their thing. They should always wear matching or coordinating outfits. They can be the father/daughter version of Lucille and Buster Bluth.
That being said, Larry and Dannielynn weren’t the best dressed of the Kentucky Derby. The best dressed title goes to the reigning Queens of the Kentucky Derby, the Barnstable Twins! Get into their wonk-eyed satin glamour:
The Barnstable Twins were the Doublemint Twins once and now they’re actress/international beauties/socialite types who throw a charity gala during the Kentucky Derby every year. They’re the only reason the Kentucky Derby exists. Who cares about those racing horses. Everybody shows up just to see these two gorgeous melting Barbies in person.
And here’s pictures from various KD events of some hos who showed up just to see the beauty of the Barnstable Twins up close: Larry with Dannielynn Hope, Jennifer Tilly with Krysten Ritter, Star Jones, Miranda Lambert and Coco Rocha.
While some of us were lighting sparklers from our b-holes to celebrate The Silver Fox casually giving up his spot in the glass closet, that Aqualish-looking ass bitch Star Jones said on Today that she thinks he completely choreographed his coming out for maximum attention and to pull up the ratings of his talk show. On today’s episode of Anderson, the Rhoda to Anderson’s Mary, Andy Cohen, brought up his coming out, and the Silver Fox said that the only thing that tore a strip of silver leaf off of his fox hole was what Star said. Anderson stuffed some dried bitchiness into a tea bag, dropped that tea bag in a mug full of lukewarm tap water and then served it to Star Jones:
“I will say and I actually haven’t mentioned this, the only thing that did kind of annoy me and actually it annoyed my mom who brought it up to me, Star Jones of all people, I know you mentioned it on your show. Star Jones of all people, I haven’t thought about Star Jones in I don’t know how long. I was unaware she was even on TV still but she apparently shows up on a morning show on Today or Good Morning America, The Today Show. Anyway, out of the blue Star Jones said after I sent this email Star Jones said this was a ratings ploy by me to boost ratings.”
As Dirt Star Jones ran that burn under cold water, Anderson said that she’s obviously letting her ass lips do the talking, because what she said was a pile of dingles and didn’t even make sense.
“That’s why it so annoyed me because of all the ways to boost ratings, like if I was wanting to boost ratings I would have waited to announce it on a very special episode, that would have been promo’d for weeks and weeks and there would have been commercials, ‘Anderson’s huge announcement,’ and you would have a cut away of the audience but instead I was in Africa on assignment for 60 Minutes, I sent an email to a friend of mine who put it on a website. I gave no interviews about it, I never talked about it. I wasn’t even on the air for days afterward and so suddenly Star Jones, who as memory serves, in terms of boosting ratings, I seem to recall her hocking her wedding every single day to get free products when she was on The View and I seem to recall her lying about her gastric bypass surgery and making everybody else lie about it as well. So for her to suddenly emerge out of the shadows and suddenly attack me for this, I couldn’t believe it.
And my mom was like, ‘Who is Star Jones?’ Anyway, so I can’t even believe I am bringing this up because I don’t even want to give Star Jones the attention. I never planned on talking about this but we invited Star Jones to come on this show and she turned us down.”
Star Jones is a scared bitch and that’s why she can’t face the Silver Fox. But you know, it sounds like Anderson still has some shit to say to her, so I’ll be happy to slip on an E.T. costume, throw a black wig on my head and let him slap me, whip me and shade me like I’m Star Jones.
Star’s dumb ass is probably already getting punished for this anyway. I can only imagine the cuntified text messages that Gay Al Reynolds is sending her. Now that Star has pissed off the Silver Fox off, there’s no way Gay Al will ever get an invitation to Anderson’s Sunday afternoon tea party. Gay Al’s gay social life is OVAH!
Donald Trump and the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are wrong for making us sit through all 666 hours of last night’s finale without delivering at least one quote of wisdom from the bump on my log (that didn’t sound right) Dionne Atwarwithallthosehussieswick! As pretty much expected, Jabba the Trump (SPOILER ALERT) fired Marlee Matlin and burped out that John Rich was the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you say “fuck this shit” in sign language? You know who would know? Dionne Warwick! But she was M.I.H.H.A. (missing in hussy hating action)!
Donald Trump never explained why the true star of the show wasn’t at the finale. Nobody brought it up! They didn’t even cut to a live stream of crusty old Dionne huffing at the lukewarm madness from the comfort of her stained La-Z-Boy in her TV room. There was no mention of the grouchy bat who gave that show life! That’s like going to a Catholic mass where the priest never brings up Jesus’ name!
When Trump asked everyone who should win, I really needed to see Grandma Dionne lower her shades and throw a coward-killing cut eye while saying, “None of these trollops! Now where’s that hot supper I was promised?” When Star Jones accused NeNe Leakes of attacking all the black females on the show, I really needed Dionne to pull a switch out of her extra-large cardigan pocket and spook the silence into both of those hyena heffahs. When Marlee, John Rich and a chorus of signing children performed a cheese-jerker of a song, I really needed Dionne to slap one of those kids on the head after thinking they were flipping her off.
Beautiful bitchy moments. That’s what Dionne is for…and sadly she wasn’t there to provide any.
On March 25th, Gay Al Reynolds got comfortable in his favorite white rattan king chair and sipped on his sweet tea while enjoying his favorite show The Wendy Williams Show. Everything quickly went sour. Al spit out his sweet tea (and you know shit is serious when Al spits) when his ex-wife Star Jones came on the screen and threw some shade at their marriage. Al grabbed his ivory princess phone, immediately called his seamstress and let her know that she can start making the rhinestone onesie (with the cut out nipples holes and drop pocket ass) they talked about since he’s about to come into some real money. And then Al put down the phone, took a dramatic queen breath, picked it up again and called his lawyers to let them know that Star broke their contact and she must pay!
When they got divorced, both Star and Al signed off on a clause stating that they can’t talk shit about each other to the media. If they do, they’ll have to pay the offending party a $50,000. Well, Al is now the offending party.
So what did Star say that pissed Al off? When Wendy asked Star about her marriage to Al, she responded with: “The wedding was fabulous, but the marriage was kind of a booty.” The thought of “booty” did tantalize Al’s nether regions for a quick second, but the tingle didn’t last long.
Al’s publicist tells E! News that Star ignored a letter his lawyer sent her, so they are taking the matter to the courts! Al’s rep went on to say, “The unnecessary and disparaging statements made over the years regarding their marriage to mutual friends, in TV and print interviews and tweets must stop. And if Al filing paperwork utilizing the very clause that Star wanted in the divorce decree is used to stop her from the constant blasphemy of Al and their marriage vows, then so be it.”
Star Jones is nothing but a swole pig with the decency of dirty trough water! How dare she make a perfectly inoffensive remark that is neither slanderous nor defamatory! HOW DARE SHE! She must pay for this in the form of one rhinestone onesie or a $50,000 check made to Al’s seamstress.
And here’s Antoine Dodson and his chocolate pancake nipples performing the same dance of sorrow Gay Al performed after Star betrayed him so!
On this past episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Star Jones and NeNe Leakes’ hate for each other started slow simmering at a low temperature, but apparently it’s going to boil over in the next few weeks and won’t ever recover. While promoting the show, NeNe said that if Star was on fire, she wouldn’t even throw one spit ball her way. Ironically, NeNe is now hanging around with a flame who used to engulf Star back in the day. Popeater says that the black Tori Spelling is mad at her ex-husband for getting friendly with her arch rival NeNe Leakes. Get ready to ring the bell, because there’s about to be a three bitch brawl.
A source had this to say: “Star thinks it’s pathetic that these two has-beens have teamed up together. NeNe knows how much pain and hurt that man caused Star. For NeNe to suddenly befriend him tells you exactly what sort of woman she really is. Al will do anything to get back into the press, including hanging out with reality stars. But to be getting close and personal with a woman who has publicly stated she wouldn’t spit on your ex-wife if she was on fire is just desperate.”
Star needs to beam up to her home planet and search the craters for a giant ball of GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Who cares if Gay Al and NeNe are twirling around the town together. Maybe Al will seat NeNe down in front of a MAC counter and teach her how to blend so she won’t have the face of a rabid raccoon anymore. Only good can come of this.
If Star still can’t get over it, Grandma Dionne will set that hussy straight with some real talk and a switch to the ass. “Can I come too?!!!” – Gay Al