JRM Fucked Up Again

Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested this past Saturday at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris after he put his fist into the face of a waiter who refused to serve him another glass booze. I know you’re thinking that anybody who denies you a sip of life’s elixir deserves a beating, but JRM has a little case of the Kiefer Sutherlands. JRM was arrested in 2007 for being a drunken wreck at the Dublin airport. That same year, he shuffled off to a rehab facility to dry out. And now here he is again…

People says that a boozy JRM was trying to get a drink before catching a flight, but the bartender was not cooperating. The bar manager was called over to settle JRM down, but a brawl of words went down. A waiter came over to try and stop the argument, but he ended up getting bitch punched in the face. The police were called and took JRM to a drunk tank to sober up for a few hours.

JRM and his marble eyes will have to appear before a judge in September to answer to the charges of “voluntary violence, contempt, issuing death threats and assault.” Yes, JRM threatened to kill a bitch over a little of the sauce. If it’s that serious, he should carry a damn flask. Better yet, he should train in the Wino ninja art of “booze and ditch.” All he had to do was order a goddamn cup of tea. When the bartender ran off to get it, he just had to jump over the bar, take a swig and jump back. There’s no need to bust a ho in the face!

Cupcakes At Last For Stains!

This past Friday, The Soup named Stains as Entertainer of the Year! And rightfully so! If Stains could talk, he’d tell you he knew this was coming, because his Alice Cooper crystal eyeballs can see into the future!

Joel McHale honored Stains with a platter of delicious cupcakes. They were just like the ones that dance around his eyes day and night. Okay, they weren’t exactly the same. Joel gave him doggy ones instead which is like eating a spoonful of wet flour. I’ve tried. The bong made me do it.

But Stains doesn’t seem to mind. When I stare into his Magic 8 Ball eyes, I also see the future and the future is STAINS! Stains for king of everything!

Open Valentine’s Day Post: Hosted By Stains

Happy Valentine’s Day, you whores! This is just like any other holiday. It’s another excuse to get drunk and get dicked! And if you’ve don’t got a peen handy, that’s what Craigslist is for. Just make sure you don’t get a VD on VD. But if you must, get one that washes off easy and won’t leave a mark that concealer can’t cover.

I think I’ll spend my VD staring into Stains’ crystal ball eyes to find the true meaning of love. If I stare long enough, he’ll probably hypnotize me into making him a big platter of cupcakes with extra frosting and sprinkles. Or force me to pour him a glass of milk. Which leads me to this mind-boggling amazing clip……

Stains is not only transfixed by cupcakes. He’s also mesmerized by a cup of milk! That little whoreball lapping up the milk is cruel. Stains just wants some milk for his cupcakes and that evil bitch is taunting him by slowly drinking it all up with its little tongue. The delicious milk that goes perfect with cupcakes is going away. But fear not. Stains is using his powerful crazy eyes to zap away that tiny slut’s vocal cords so it can no longer yap. And we all know a dog like that lives to yap! Stains always wins.

Stains for Emperor of the World!

(Thanks Nicole)