Category: Sports

Charlie Sheen Brought Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn Out Of Retirement For The World Series

November 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Charlie Sheen has been really into this year’s World Series, because the Cleveland Indians played and that was the team used in his 1989 movie Major League. Two weeks ago, Charlie tweeted a picture of himself as Major League’s sexiest near-sighted fastball-throwing felon Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn and joked: “if called upon, I’d be honored.” Charlie Sheen even tried really hard (and failed, several times) to get to throw out the first pitch during any of the Indians’ home games. But one of Charlie’s smaller, more lucid dreams did come true last night.

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Some SF Giants Fans Are Blaming Taylor Swift For Their Recent World Series Elimination

October 21, 2016 / Posted by:

I’m sure this picture of Taylor Swift wearing the team colors isn’t helping. According to The Oregonian, several San Francisco Giants fans are pissed at Taylor and itt turns out it’s because she messed up their World Series superstition by not releasing an album this year. Curse you, Taylor Swift!

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Emma Stone Sucked So Hard At Tennis That She Needed A Body Double For “Battle of the Sexes”

June 3, 2016 / Posted by:

If Emma Stone auditioned for the part of tennis legend Billie Jean King in the upcoming biopic Battle of the Sexes, I’m guessing that audition consisted solely of how good she looked in a pair of vintage Pierre Cardin frames and a rinse of Miss Clairol in #62 Coffee Brown. Because apparently she’s not very good at tennis. You know, the thing her character is supposed to be really good at.

Page Six says that even though Emma took tennis lessons (including some one-on-ones with Billie Jean King herself) before filming, she was still so bad at tennis (“How bad is she?!“) that a body double who is really good at tennis was hired to fill in for her during the tennis-playing scenes. An insider tells Page Six:

“Billie Jean herself tried to teach Emma to play tennis, but she was useless, so they got a body double.”

Steve Carell, on the other hand, is apparently really good. Steve plays Bobby Riggs, the 55-year-old retired tennis player who challenged Billie Jean King to said battle, and the source says he did all his own “action” scenes. However, a second source is side-eyeing the first source’s claim that Steve is Pete Sampras in disguise. They say both Emma and Steve for-real play tennis in the movie and both had body doubles. They add that there are always doubles during a shoot that involves a sport, skill, or stunt. Forget Battle of the Sexes; Battle of the Sources is the movie I want to see. Get ’em, source two! Kick source one’s ass!

I’m actually shocked Emma picked up a tennis racket at all for shooting. Movies these days are 98% digital fakery anyway, so it’s kind of refreshing to hear that they didn’t just put her and Steve Carell in full-body motion capture suits, and CGI them into a fake tennis game with a cartoon tennis ball in post-production.

Pic: Fox

Seth Rogen Takes An Angry Swipe At The NFL After Footage Leaks Of Ray Rice Punching His Fiance In The Face (UPDATE)

September 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Back in March, Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice was given a 2-day slap-on-the-wrist suspension after hotel surveillance footage from February was released of him dragging his fiance Janay Palmer’s unconscious body out of an elevator. And since then plenty of assholes and asshole-types have come to Ray Rice’s defense, including the Baltimore Ravens VP of public relations Kevin Byrne and the MVP of asshole apologists, Whoopi Goldberg. Their stance being that Ray is a good guy (Kevin Byrne) and maybe Janay started it (Whoopi), and that we didn’t really know what happened in the elevator that night.

But this weekend, the elevator surveillance footage from that night was leaked, and – SURPRISE – it shows Ray Rice punching his fiance in the face. So far, no word from Whoopi or Kevin Byrne of the NFL, but furry Canadian stoner Seth Rogen has something to say about it! Seth’s preferred method of taking a bitch to task is by dragging them on Twitter (as seen previously, when he made the world’s heart skip a beat by calling Justin Bieber a “piece of shit“), so he hopped on Twitter and hissed the following: Continue reading

Derek Jeter Prevents A Bunch Of Ball-Grabby Adults From Stealing A Little Kid’s Baseball

April 4, 2014 / Posted by:

During one of the many boring baseball games I’ve been dragged to, I sat in front of a Chatty Cathy who spent the whole game yakking about how Derek Jeter was the fucking Tenderheart Bear of major league baseball. She wouldn’t shut up about her personal saviour Derek Jeter. At one point, I almost turned around and asked if he rescued her ass from a burning building or something to see if that would shut her up. But I saw a couple empty beer cups at her feet and I knew that she’d probably kick my ass for talking shit about Jesus Jeter, so I went to take a nap in a toilet stall instead (baseball is really fucking boring).

But finally I see what that noisy loudmouth was talking about! On Thursday night’s game between the Yankees and the Astros, Jesus Jeter saw a little girl in a Yankees hat with a home-made sign, and knowing that if he threw a baseball into the stands, all the greedy evil adults would descend upon it like rats on a half-eaten cheeseburger, so he took a break and walked it over to her.

Unfortunately, one ball-snatcher couldn’t take a hint, and kept reaching for it like it was a $20 bill and she was Pimp Mama Kris. That ball-snatching bitch was determined! But no matter how hard she tried, Jesus Jeter wouldn’t let her have it and eventually the ball was placed in the little girl’s hands. Normally I’d be upset about a story that ends with ball blocking, but this one warms the cold ballpark pretzel that is my heart.

Now if only Derek Jeter could go back in time and teach this soulless ball-snatching bitch a lesson:

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“Everybody Get On Your Feet!…Except You Rocky, You’re Good Where You Are”

November 3, 2013 / Posted by:

I don’t much care for the theatre of sports (if I wanted to see real dramatics, I’d go to Walmart and watch angry mom-types fight over a floor-model cake pop machine) but I love major league sports mascots. I find just about every sports game is super-duper boring, but there’s something wonderfully cringe-worthy about a 20-year-old kid sweating his balls off and awkwardly shuffling along to LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem in a brightly-colored hot-as-shit animal costume. Sadly, Nugget’s fans were cringing at their mascot for another an entirely different reason this weekend.

According to TMZ, Friday night’s season opener between the Denver Nuggets and the Portland Trail Blazers was to commence with Nugget mascot Rocky (a mountain lion, I believe. Not that it really matters) being ceremoniously lowered from the rafters to the cheering crowd. Everyone below Rocky had a feeling something was up when Rocky stayed motionless during his entire descent to the court, and once his feet (paws?) touched the floor, he collapsed into a limp pile of felt, as several people began freeing him from his harness.

denvernuggetsrocky

Rocky was then carried off court to the sound of every dad in attendance assuring their kids that ”Rocky’s not dead, he’s just sleeping”. Tom Merolla of CBS Denver reports that the man inside Rocky simply passed out from dizziness and he’ll be fine.

I come from a city where our basketball mascot also has the inability to stand upright, so I feel for all the Nuggets fans in Denver today. There’s nothing worse than being convinced by a friend: “I know the game sucks, but the mascot does these really cool dunk tricks at halftime” and then watching him come out on a pair of Rollerblades and fall on his ass. But is it so wrong to laugh at this? I mean, forget that Rocky’s wearing a swishy warm-up suit like that of so many retirees in Boca Raton, FL; Rocky’s face is permanenty frozen in a look that screams “Y’ALL READY FOR SOME BASKETBALL, NUGGETS FANS!!” as he’s sleepily lowered down from the ceiling and takes a snooze on the court. If aliens are researching Earth, they must be watching this clip and thinking “Why does the giant cat puppet behave like Lindsay Lohan exiting a club at 4am?

(Pic via @TomM_CBS4)

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