I don’t know much about sports, but from what I gather, the National Basketsballs Association had their draft yesterday and they chose Jami Gertz as their star quarterback? That seems unlikely but there you have it. According to People, Jami will be playing for the Atlanta Hawks and she’ll go on third? Sorry, everything I know about the draft I learned from watching Chappelle’s racial draft. Please bear with me here.
Ok, I got it now! Jami owns the Atlanta Hawks with her billionaire husband Tony Ressler and represented the team in the NBA Draft Lottery in Chicago where her team won (?) the #3 overall pick which I guess is a good number (?). Anyway, people on Twitter where very surprised to see Jami up in the jury box (?) which led to her name trending on Twitter.
Taylor Swift has been on a popular girl hiatus for the past few months. Nobody has really heard from her or seen her in public, save for a few grainy pap shots of her boarding a private jet with her latest boyfriend, or her extracting petty revenge on Katy Perry by releasing her entire catalogue on streaming services. Every evil deed requires a kind one to balance everything out, and she recently did a nice one for Oklahoma City Thunder point guard Russell Westbrook.
Serena Williams is having a baby with her fiancé, Reddit co-founder Alexis Onahian. I’m sure some in the tennis world responded by congratulating her or getting on the phone with Wilson and ordering a dozen or so custom-made infant-sized racquets with “future GOAT” printed on the handle. Romanian tennis champion Ilie Nastase acknowledged Serena’s big news by keeping true to his nickname and telling a nasty-ish joke about the baby growing inside her. Not surprisingly, Serena is not here for it.
Last night at the Atlanta Hawks basketball game, rapper Gucci Mane proposed the dignified and sacred contract of marriage to his “longtime” piece, Keyshia Ka’oir. I’m sure you can already tell that it went down exactly like it does in every fairy tale ever.
There they were, enjoying “Gucci Mane Night” at the Hawks game, dressed in their finest (a GUWOP-emblazoned jersey for him, Kool-Aid pink pube fur for her), when the Kiss Cam rolled around. They looked deep into each others’ eyes and smiled lovingly as the announcer ushered them on. “KISS CAM! KISS CAAAAAM!” he wailed. Gucci stood up and presented his ring like a man reluctantly showing a very short person something on his phone. “WHAT’S GOING ON? IS THIS A PROPOSAL?” That’s when the air horns kick into high gear. Who needs singing woodland creatures to string up flowers and bows when you can embrace true love while a dude sweating in a hawk mascot outfit hovers over you.
The grown man screaming during this picture-perfect moment keeps asking Keyshia if she’s going to say yes, but dude, open your fucking eyes. Are you seeing that ring?? Are you able to see anything other than that ring?? It’s 25 carats! TMZ shared a video of the rock, so if you want to watch 37 seconds of silent, distilled Liberace opulence, go nuts. Personally, jewels don’t give me a case of the Lohan Shakes like they do for some. But then again, most people can be in the same room as a Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Pop-Tart and not lose all their self-control.
By the way, the Hawks ended up losing the game last night, but I’m sure that’s not a bad omen. I defy anyone to look at that couple and see anything other than a true and everlasting love.
Charlie Sheen has been really into this year’s World Series, because the Cleveland Indians played and that was the team used in his 1989 movie Major League. Two weeks ago, Charlie tweeted a picture of himself as Major League’s sexiest near-sighted fastball-throwing felon Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn and joked: “if called upon, I’d be honored.” Charlie Sheen even tried really hard (and failed, several times) to get to throw out the first pitch during any of the Indians’ home games. But one of Charlie’s smaller, more lucid dreams did come true last night.
I’m sure this picture of Taylor Swift wearing the team colors isn’t helping. According to The Oregonian, several San Francisco Giants fans are pissed at Taylor and itt turns out it’s because she messed up their World Series superstition by not releasing an album this year. Curse you, Taylor Swift!