Everything is getting the reboot or throwback treatment. Will & Grace? Coming back! Every other defunct show at NBC? Coming back! McRib at McDonalds? Coming back! Just kidding, I don’t know about that one. Lollapooloza was this weekend. I only knew that since my Republican relatives all sent me asshole emails about Malia Obama dancing around at The Killers concert, because dems dah devil’s side-steps. And my gays all sent me clips of an insult to the good name of our Lordesses of Seasoning, the Spice Girls. Continue reading
Last month, Michael brought you the bittersweet news that the Spice Girls were thinking of putting on a 20th anniversary reunion tour (YAAAY) but that it might not include Sporty or Posh (NOOO). Neither were that into it, which is insane, because who the hell wouldn’t want to spend several months of their life getting paid to sing “Spice Up Your Life“? That’s every karaoke drunk’s dream.
Earlier today, on the 20th anniversary of the release of “Wannabe“, Scary, Ginger and Baby released a video on their brand new website announcing…that they have an announcement to make soon. They don’t say what the announcement will be. But their old producer Eliot Kennedy did confirm to the BBC that Scary, Ginger, and Baby have been in the studio recently. They’re also apparently going by Spice Girls GEM now (you know, for Geri, Emma, and Melanie). See, even they know it’s not really the Spice Girls without Sporty and Posh.
The last we heard, GEM (I zig-a-zig-can’t with that name) was planning on replacing Sporty and Posh. But considering they’ve registered the domain name SpiceGirlsGem.com, they seem pretty committed to being a threesome. And really, if that video has taught me anything, it’s that they’d technically only need to find a replacement for Sporty. Thanks to Geri’s new accent, she can totally do Ginger and Posh!
The Spice Girls have apparently been trying to put together a 20th anniversary reunion tour, and we already know that Posh Spice isn’t doing it because she has officially retired from half-assed lip-synching while pointing at things. Now one of America’s most esteemed and trustworthy literary journals Life & Style is reporting that Sporty Spice doesn’t want to do the tour either, and so Scary Spice, Baby Spice and Ginger Spice have come up with an idea that makes me think they were possessed by Satan. This idea is one of the most unholiest things I’ve ever heard. The Spice Girls are planning to hold tryouts to replace Posh and Sporty. Some source dribbled out these evil words:
“It wasn’t a surprise that Victoria would decline the tour, but the girls really hit the roof when Mel C ditched too.
The girls are going to be making a formal announcement about tryouts for their spots in the next few weeks. Posh and Sporty can be replaced.”
Okay, truthfully, if the Spice Girls put a snobby-looking broomstick in a wig onstage and called it Posh, nobody would really question that, and in fact, the audience would probably talk about how she looked more lively than usual. But replacing Sporty who is only the only Spice Girl who can sing? When the Spice Girls sang, “Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” they weren’t just singing lyrics. They were also singing a legal oath to each other. So if Scary, Baby and Geri actually hold auditions, they’ll be breaking that legal oath. Their next reunion show will be in a prison mess hall after they’re jailed for committing an illegal act of betrayal!
The Spice Girls, without a doubt, were the greatest girl band ever. Duh. Don’t argue. There was one in there for all of us. Did you high kick like Sporty or infantilise yourself like Baby? Spout Girl Power words like Ginger or wear zebra print like Scary? Or maybe you pointed your finger like Posh? The finger point was the glue that held the band together, well, until Geri left, and Victoria Beckham‘s biggest contribution. God, I loved her but if you ever went to a show you had to wonder whether she was just a mic stand with a wig on it. Despite giving us the greatest video and song of the Spice solo careers, she’s now confirmed what we knew all along in regards to her singing. Her mic was more often than not off at the shows.
Because some of them have bills to pay, the Spice Girls are reportedly in talks to do another reunion tour next year. Posh Beckham has apparently dropped a dry queef on an offer to join the other Spice Girls on tour, because she is the Olsen twins of the group and is way too busy running her fashion empire to lip-synch and point for a quick check.
The Sun (via The Guardian) was the first to report that the Spice Girls are going to get together again to celebrate the 20th anniversary of “Wannabe” next year. They plan to travel the world and Posh may join them on a few dates. Baby Spice did an interview this morning on the Heart London radio show and she only said that nothing’s happening right now, but if anything solid comes together, she’ll let everyone know. But after that interview, Baby Spice stuck the tip into the b-holes of Spice Girls fans by re-tweeting a tweet from a Sun columnist who claims that an “official announcement” is coming later this year. Baby also had this moment with Sporty Spice:
Do I need to put my pigtails in?!?!? https://t.co/TfWZQL9ux2
— Emma Bunton (@EmmaBunton) August 7, 2015
I didn’t get to see the Spice Girls’ last reunion tour in 2008, because by the time I got around to looking for tickets, the only seats available were in the damn clouds and I didn’t want to spend my night guzzling down overpriced beer while looking at the screen and dodging planes flying by. I did that shit for free when the show ended up on YouTube later. But as for this tour, I don’t know. What are the Spice Girls without Posh standing there doing absolutely nothing while the rest of them jump around and shit? If they reunite and do go on tour, they should say that Posh is joining them. They should tie a little Gucci dress around a mic stand, throw a brown wig on top and call it Posh. Nobody would ever know the difference and their show would probably be the most riveting concert experience of my life!
And here’s Posh at LAX the other day wearing I don’t even know.
Hot British ball-wrangling DILF David Beckham turned 40 years old this weekend, and decided to celebrate by throwing a huge-ass party in Marrakech, Morocco. A party in Morocco? Sounds like someone’s too good for dinner at the Olive Garden followed by a solitary box of wine in bed, aka how I plan on ringing in my 40th. Not surprisingly, David’s birthday party was full of famous types. But the most important famous types on his guest list were THE SPICE GIRLS!!! Excuse me while 13-year-old me gets very jealous of David Beckham.
Posh Spice Instagrammed a couple pics of four-fifths of the Spice Girls reuniting at David’s party. For those of you wondering why Scary Spice looks a lot like Gabrielle Solis from Desperate Housewives, that’s actually Eva Longoria filling in as Tiny Spice. For some reason, Scary Spice wasn’t there; my not-so-secret hope is that she was too busy dumping her shady scumbag husband’s things on the front lawn and changing the locks to make it.
Regardless, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. I especially love that Posh is giving classic Posh face, Sporty and Baby are serving up that backup realness, while Ginger Spice is working “Just casually reaching for my phone and angling my legs so I can make a break for it.” Although I don’t know why she’d want to. David had four birthday cakes at his party!
Awww, that’s pretty cute – each one came from one of his kids. Never have I wanted to have a dozen children so badly in all my life.
Here’s more of the Spice Girls meet-up at David Beckham’s birthday party over the weekend, including a shot of Posh helping David blow out his candles (or is she using him as a human shield from all that cake? I’m not sure).
Pics: Instagram, Daily Mail