There’s a lot of ways to feel like time has just ripped by you like an asshole in a Ferrari. Like realizing we’re coming up on the 20th anniversary of She’s All That (yes it’s true). My recent “How long has it been?” moment came from E! News’s announcement that Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife Sophie Hunter are expecting baby number 3. Three?! Didn’t they just have their first one? No, that was over three years ago, although I’ll admit – they work fast.
Last night, Benedict and Sophie arrived at the Emmys and Sophie was working one of her signature “Bump? What bump?” gowns. According to E!, Sophie is pregnant. Congratulations on the newest otter pup, Benedict! E! doesn’t say how far long she is, or when the baby is due.
This latest baby could definitely kill the conspiracy theory that Benedict and his wife are nothing more than a PR relationship. Come on, Cumberbitches – there’s no way that dealing with three under-5 tantrums at the same time is worth any amount of publicity.
Benedict and Sophie already have a 3-year-old son named Christopher “Kit” Carlton, and a 1-year-old son named Hal Auden. Kit and Hal are the names of famous talking robots that help humans get from A to B. If that’s their criteria for name-picking, I hope this next one is named Garmin. Damn it, someone’s got to pay tribute to that helpful GPS robot.
When Benedict Cumberbatch’s wife Sophie let the world know that a second CumberBaby was growing in her womb by showing up to the premiere of Doctor Strange looking slightly bigger in the fetus growing area, the conspiracy theorist branch of the Cumberbitches immediately congratulated the makers of foam baby bumps. Well, the conspiracy theorizing Cumberbitches are now congratulating the makers of the Tiny Tears doll, because The Daily Mail says that Sophie Cumberbatch and B. Cums’ second kid is here.
The Hollywood premiere of Marvel’s
Doctor Whitewashing Doctor Strange happened last night, and Benedict Cumberbatch brought two guests: his wife Sophie Hunter and the latest CumberBaby that’s gestating in her womb right now.
Either Amber Heard temporarily sprained one of her neck muscles from trying so hard while posing (“Amateur!” – Phoebe Price) or her nostrils just got a good whiff of the rank scent of ass jelly, foundation, armpit grease and dick cheddar wafting off of Johnny Depp.
It feels like there’s been 4,927 premieres for Black Mass and there was another one at the BFI London Film Festival last night, because why not? Before she’s found guilty of Yorkie smuggling and gets locked up in an Australian prison cell for 11 years, Amber Heard got in another red carpet posing session with Johnny Depp who once again took himself higher by wearing a pair of gorgeous platform shoes straight out of Tom Cruise’s dream shoe closet.
Before Black Mass even came out, hos predicted that Johnny Depp will probably get an Oscar nomination. At last night’s premiere, Johnny told the BBC that he’ll take that nomination, but he hopes that his name is never called at the Oscars, because he doesn’t want to dribble out a speech.
“I don’t want to win one of those things ever, you know. I don’t want to have to talk. They gave me one of those things, like a nomination, two or three times. A nomination is plenty.
The idea of winning means that you’re in competition with someone and I’m not in competition with anybody. I just stick to my guns and do what I want to do. Sometimes people don’t like it but that’s alright.”
Oh, please. Johnny Depp is busting out some reverse psychology shit on Oscar voters. Of course he wants an Oscar. An Oscar trophy is the ultimate bracelet holder and he doesn’t want to disappoint Amber Heard who has probably spent hours practicing the “sexy but happy” face she’ll make when the cameras are on her during her husband’s speech. I hope that Johnny does get a nomination and I hope he wins and only because I really want to see forever Oscar bridesmaid Leonardo DiCaprio tackle that trick on the stage while screaming, “It’s mine, he said he didn’t want it!”
Here’s more pictures from the Black Mass premiere including some of the Alien Lizard King and Sophie Hunter.
It’s been eleven weeks since Benedict Cumberbatch’s chosen human bride gave birth to the future king of lizards, and now it looks like we might know what name Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter bestowed upon their spawn. Finally, we can all sleep at night!
Benedict and Sophie haven’t said shit about their new baby, because they sort of like privacy (or maybe they’re just waiting for a $2 million check from Lizard People magazine for the ~exclusive~ reveal). But the Daily Mail says they know what Benedict wrote on Baby Cumberbatch’s birth certificate. And that name is: Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch.
“Christopher was the name of the character Benedict played in Sir Tom Stoppard’s TV adaptation of Parade’s End, while Carlton is a family middle name shared by Benedict and his actor father Timothy.”
Again, no one knows for sure if that’s Baby Cumberbatch’s real name, since Benedict and Sophie haven’t confirmed it. So it could be Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. Or it could be Jaiden Jaxon Camdyn Cumberbatch. Until we see the receipts, let’s just go with Christopher Carlton.
With that being said, I am 100% on board with the name Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. First, because you can shorten it down to C.C. Cumberbatch, which reminds me of peroxide hair metal legend C.C. DeVille from Poison, and that’s never a bad thing. Second, because he can pretend his parents named him after Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Third, because Chris Cumberbatch totally sounds like the name of a rich jock from a 1970s slobs vs. snobs college comedy (possible title: Barf Academy II). It really covers all the bases.
Here’s Chris Cumberbatch’s daddy getting mobbed by a rabid army of Cumberbitches after a performance of Hamlet in London last week:
After many months of gestating in its humanoid growth pod (aka Sophie Hunter’s womb), the intergalactic alien lizard royal baby is here! That loud wailing sound you just heard was either the wails of happiness from the citizens of Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet or the wails of sorrow from the Cumberbitches. It’s hard to tell them apart – they both sound the same. The Daily Mail says a rep for Benedict Cumberbatch released this statement earlier today confirming that his wife of four months popped out a baby boy.
“Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are delighted to announce the arrival of their beautiful son. We would kindly ask everyone to respect the family’s privacy during these next few precious weeks.”
“Ha! See how they didn’t specify whether or not it was a human son? I knew it!” said every “Benedict Cumberbatch is an alien disguised as a human” truther.
So far all we know is that Sophie had a baby boy, but that’s about it. No idea on the weight or what he looks like, so until I see a picture, I’m just going to assume he looks like one of Kif Kroker’s babies or that adorable alien squid baby from Men In Black. Also not known is what Benedict and Sophie have named their new baby. Usually this would be where I make a joke about British-sounding baby names, but even “Nigel Fitzcrumpet” is nothing compared to “Benedict Cumberbatch“.
Regardless – congratulations on your new baby, Benedict and Sophie! And to everyone on Benedict’s home planet, congratulations on your future king!