Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com

If You’ve Ever Wanted A Dusty Destiny’s Child Poster Or Some Old Beyonce CDs, Now Is Your Chance!

It doesn’t take a Suze Orman to guess that things might not be so great, money-wise, for Beyonce’s Daddy Mathew Knowles right now. First off, besides being “Beyonce’s Daddy”, I’m not sure what his current job is. Second, he has not one, but two alleged secret children to take care of. Third, the last time he tried to make some money, it was trying and failing to sell a Destiny’s Child biopic. But it looks like he finally found a way to make a couple bucks.

According to TMZ, Daddy Knowles is having a massive garage sale outside of his office in Houston, Texas, and the majority of the shit he’s selling (and it is shit) is old Beyonce/Destiny’s Child merchandise. Mathew is selling tour books, t-shirts, DVDs, CDs, House of Dereon clothing, and a giant poster of Beyonce for $200. And I’m sure if you dig hard enough, you’ll find a box containing what’s left of Daddy Knowles’ dignity.

But if out-of-style jeans and musty-smelling Sasha Fierce t-shirts aren’t your thing, he’s also selling office furniture and office equipment. So for everyone who has ever wanted to own a desk chair that has been farted in by Beyonce’s dad or an old-ass fax machine that was maybe touched by Mama Tina, now is your chance!

Meanwhile, in a sold-platinum and emerald-encrusted penthouse in New York City, Beyonce is on the beautiful Beyonce words delivery system (aka the phone) asking her assistant to take a trip to Houston and buy up all the Beyonce concert t-shirts. Those have value!

Here’s more pictures from Daddy Knowles’ garbage garage sale, as well as the garage sale star herself going out for dinner with Jay Z last night:

Pics: TMZ, Splash

More Scenes From Basement Baby’s Oh-So-Edgy Wedding

Yesterday, I threw up pictures of the “Viva Las Vegas Coffy” look that I thought Solange worked during her wedding to her man Alan Ferguson. But that caped jumpsuit was just one of the many white and ivory looks Basement Baby wore during her hipster Wite-Out of a wedding in New Orleans. Last night, Vogue.com posted these ridiculous ~FASHUN~ pictures taken by photographer Rog Walker of Basement Baby wearing her wedding cape dress while surrounded by her bridal court which included Janelle Monae, Beyonce and Tina Knowles serving up rich gremlin bitch glamour.

That shit looks like the most pretentious Clorox ad of all-time. They also look like the cult from The Leftovers if the cult from The Leftovers had way too much disposable income and took themselves really, really seriously. I guarantee you there’s one chick in that picture who’s like, “Aunt Flo, please don’t fuck with my fierce and come heavy today, because I don’t need to be the one with period stains in Basement Baby’s wedding photos.” But I do love that Beyonce is at basement level for once! Beyonce finally listened to us all and SAT DOWN.

One second after Vogue posted these pictures, Pimp Mama Kris tried to get more attention by Instagramming a picture of her and her dumpster sludge hos in all white outfits too. I am far from being a member of the Beyhive, but PMK comparing herself to the Knowles chicks is like comparing a piece of filet mignon to a maggot infested pile of shit droppings that a rat pooped out after nibbling on a McDonald’s hamburger patty it found lying on a puddle of dog piss in the gutter.

And Basement Baby’s wedding wardrobe budget really was bigger than the budget of her greatest work, Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Here’s a video of Basement Baby wearing another outfit while busting out a mother and son choreographed dance routine to “No Flex Zone” with her kid Julez during her reception.

The cute was zapped out of that video as soon as I found myself looking for her basement bagina to make an appearance.

E! News also has pictures of Basement Baby’s face covered in hives after the wedding reception. Jay-Z’s revenge! Basement Baby should’ve known something was up when the special present from Jay-Z started buzzing like crazy. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, indeed.

Pics: Vogue.com

The Queen Of The Basement Married Her King!

I see that shifty trick Shadyoncé already cut Solange’s allowance, because she and her new husband had to ride their spray painted yard sale bikes to their reception in the storage room at Krystal burgers instead of taking a limo. Beyonce ruins everything!

As expected, the mice are screeching out celebratory shrieks of YAYs in the basement today, because their 28-year-old queen Basement Baby married her 51-year-old video director boyfriend Alan Ferguson in New Orleans. Also as expected, it was a great big hipster affair complete with white bikes, which they both rode to their wedding venue. People says that Solange and Alan got married at Marigny Opera House in front of around 200 people including Janelle Monae, Solange’s son Julez, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Tina Knowles. Matthew Knowles would’ve shown up, but I doubt he was invited and he was probably busy barebacking a baby into another trick.

Some source tells People that Basement Baby and Alan looked calm and happy, which means they were stoned as fuck.

“Beaming. Calm. They looked pretty calm, relaxed on their wedding day,” one onlooker tells PEOPLE. “Definitely happy.”

No, Basement Baby’s caped jumpsuit didn’t come from Elvis’ Viva La Bride bridal collection. Stéphane Rolland made that chichis baring caped suit. I love their wedding look, because Solange is wearing some shit that Bianca Jagger would’ve worn if she was a superhero and her man looks like Common’s traveling preacher older brother. The Daily Mail has pictures of the Quilted Northern dress Beyonce wore if you care about that.

And for Jay-Z’s sake, I hope he wore some cut resistant gloves to the wedding reception, because you know Solange put some razors in her fro just in case she has to come at him again for looking at her funny.

Pics: FameFlynet

Basement Baby Is Getting Married On Sunday

All over the basement today, the mice, roaches and millipedes are busy making a stunning and exquisite wedding gown out of moth balls, dead silverfish and old kitchen curtains, because their queen, Solange, is getting married in New Orleans on Sunday! I see you blankly staring at the screen while chewing a sandwich and thinking to yourself, “And? It’s just Solange. Who cares?” Um, the MothHive (member count: just me) cares, because our Basement Queen finally has a Basement King!

UsWeekly “somehow learned” (cut to me making air quotes while side-eyeing the messenger rat that Solange sent to deliver details of her wedding to UsWeekly’s offices) that 28-year-old Solange is marrying her 51-year-old video producer boyfriend of 5 years Alan Ferguson in New Orleans this weekend. Yes, he’s 51. Those Knowles sisters are all about the seasoned dick. “A source” tells UsWeekly that Solange and Alan’s 3-night wedding extravaganza will start on Friday night with a movie (probably a private screening of Fight Club 2: Hate In The Elevator) and will end on Sunday with them getting married.

Alan will become Basement Baby’s second husband. She married her son’s father in 2004 when she was just 17 and she divorced his ass 3 years later.

I love how UsWeekly has all these little details. I see you, Basement Baby. She probably sold her wedding pictures to them, but who can blame her? Now that she’s getting married, that shifty trollop Beyonce probably cut her allowance and deactivated her charge cards, so she’s gotta hustle. But sadly, once UsWeekly deducts the cost of Photoshopping out half of Beyonce’s waist and the football helmet that Jay-Z wears whenever he’s around a drunk Solange, she’ll owe them money. Poor Basement Baby is always staying in the basement.

Beyoncé’s Remix Of “Flawless” Features A Vague Reference To The Elevator Beat-Down, Because Of Course It Does

Last night, Beyoncé released a remix of the song “Flawless” featuring the come-to-life Crank Yankers puppet Nicki Minaj that contained a cryptic message about the post-Met Gala elevator smack-down between Basement Baby and Jay-Z. Even though Basement’s caught-on-tape act of attempted Jayzcide happened a million years ago, Stuntyoncé pulled it out of the box marked “Possible Ways of Getting Attention” in her Publicity Stunt storage locker, dusted it off, and trotted it out for her new-ish song. “Eh, at least it’s not another staged picture of Jay-Z” – fucking everyone.

Yawncé addresses the bitch slap heard ’round the world at the 0:36 mark by rapping the following vague nonsense:

“We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators. Of course sometimes shit go down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator.”

BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??? No really, what the fuck does it mean; those lyrics make no goddamn sense. It sounds like it was written by Blue Ivy on a busted Speak & Spell, then re-written by Michelle.

TMZ has a theory that Beyoncé is referring to how much her and Jay-Z are worth. It’s estimated that the marriage between Jay and The BeyonceBot-2000 is worth somewhere between $900 million and $1 billion, therefore the line about “a billion dollars on an elevator” could mean there’s a billion dollars on the line when it comes to their relationship. Then again, TMZ could be wrong and the ‘billion dollars’ remark could be in reference to how much money everybody in the elevator had on them at the time:

Beyoncé = $499 million
Jay-Z = $499 million
Security Guard = $46
Basement Baby = A handful of nickels, a button, and some pocket lint

And this is what it has come to: Beyoncé releasing remixes of her songs to include sketchy “clues” about her relationship in an attempt to silence the divorce rumors. Beyoncé! I’m bored! I’m SO bored! Nobody cares about the the beat-down anymore; it’s old-ass news. What’s next, Beyoncé posting a photo of the piss stick from a phony pregnancy test with the caption: “#TBT to the time I got knocked up…or did I? #mystery #alwayskeepemguessing”. Just Instagram a picture of the divorce papers and get it over with!

Pic: Instagram