We’ll get to that “Showgirls meets SilverHawks” dress mess in a second. First we need to talk about the person wearing it, and how she once again attempted to just-so-subtly get some attention courtesy of Beyonce. As you may remember, the Who’s On First of people, Rita Ora, practically dislocated both her shoulders after throwing up her arms and waving “Over here! I’m not Becky with the good hair!” last week. Well, surprise surprise, she did it again at the Met Gala last night. Several times, actually.
I just want to spray Beyonce down with some liquid antibiotics and acid, because she looks like a used condom covered in herpes and rolled in kitty litter.
As we all know by now, the theme for tonight’s Meth Gala is Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, and it looks like Beyonce honored that theme by finding a way to copy and paste Zoe Saldana’s face onto hers, because that does not look like Beyonce. The rest of Beyonce’s look would be 100% perfect if the theme was A Night With Derek Jeter. Since Beyonce is a true artiste and everything she does has a message, maybe her doing herself up like a giant condom is her way of saying, “And I still don’t trust Jay!”
That dress is also giving me “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” because it looks like she skinned someone with chronic eczema alive and wore their hide on her body. That dress doesn’t only need to be dipped in antibiotics, it also needs to be dipped in Proactiv.
And just like she did last year, Solange outdid her sister tonight. Basement Baby’s look will remind you of the time that your dog pissed on the floor and you didn’t have any paper towels to clean it up with so you had to use the coffee filters. While Beyonce has access to all of the fanciest designers in the world and still shows up wearing that mess, Basement Baby only has access to what she finds in the dumpster and she still comes up with ART!
Solange also kind of looks like a lemon that’s been mauled by a garbage disposal, and that’s my cue to write a 12,000 word think piece on how this look is her commentary on Lemonade.
Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went all “FINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.
To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.
Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”
As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!
As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).
It doesn’t take a Suze Orman to guess that things might not be so great, money-wise, for Beyonce’s Daddy Mathew Knowles right now. First off, besides being “Beyonce’s Daddy”, I’m not sure what his current job is. Second, he has not one, but two secret baby mamas to take care of. Third, the last time he tried to make some money, it was trying and failing to sell a Destiny’s Child biopic. But it looks like he finally found a way to make a couple bucks. “Fill me in on your secret?” whispered Michelle Williams into the receiver of a payphone.
According to TMZ, Daddy Knowles is having a massive garage sale outside of his office in Houston, Texas, and the majority of the shit he’s selling (and it is shit) is old Beyonce/Destiny’s Child merchandise. Mathew is selling tour books, t-shirts, DVDs, CDs, House of Dereon clothing, and a giant poster of Beyonce for $200. Not to be left out, he’s also selling a Solange CD for $1.96. And I’m sure if you dig hard enough, you’ll find a box containing what’s left of Daddy Knowles’ dignity.
But if out-of-style jeans and musty-smelling Sasha Fierce t-shirts aren’t your thing, he’s also selling office furniture and office equipment. So for everyone who has ever wanted to own a desk chair that has been farted in by Beyonce’s dad or an old-ass fax machine that was maybe touched by Mama Tina, now is your chance!
Meanwhile, in a sold-platinum and emerald-encrusted penthouse in New York City, Beyonce is on the beautiful Beyonce words delivery system (aka the phone) asking her assistant to take a trip to Houston and buy up all the Beyonce concert t-shirts. “My sister Solange just got married and moved out of the basement, which means she needs a new pile of my old clothing to sleep on.”
Here’s more pictures from Daddy Knowles’
garbage garage sale, as well as the garage sale star herself going out for dinner with Jay Z last night:
Yesterday, I threw up pictures of the “Viva Las Vegas Coffy” look that I thought Solange worked during her wedding to her man Alan Ferguson. But that caped jumpsuit was just one of the many white and ivory looks Basement Baby wore during her hipster Wite-Out of a wedding in New Orleans. Last night, Vogue.com posted these ridiculous ~FASHUN~ pictures taken by photographer Rog Walker of Basement Baby wearing her wedding cape dress while surrounded by her bridal court which included Janelle Monae, Beyonce and Tina Knowles serving up rich gremlin bitch glamour.
That shit looks like the most pretentious Clorox ad of all-time. They also look like the cult from The Leftovers if the cult from The Leftovers had way too much disposable income and took themselves really, really seriously. I guarantee you there’s one chick in that picture who’s like, “Aunt Flo, please don’t fuck with my fierce and come heavy today, because I don’t need to be the one with period stains in Basement Baby’s wedding photos.” But I do love that Beyonce is at basement level for once! Beyonce finally listened to us all and SAT DOWN.
One second after Vogue posted these pictures, Pimp Mama Kris tried to get more attention by Instagramming a picture of her and her dumpster sludge hos in all white outfits too. I am far from being a member of the Beyhive, but PMK comparing herself to the Knowles chicks is like comparing a piece of filet mignon to a maggot infested pile of shit droppings that a rat pooped out after nibbling on a McDonald’s hamburger patty it found lying on a puddle of dog piss in the gutter.
And Basement Baby’s wedding wardrobe budget really was bigger than the budget of her greatest work, Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Here’s a video of Basement Baby wearing another outfit while busting out a mother and son choreographed dance routine to “No Flex Zone” with her kid Julez during her reception.
The cute was zapped out of that video as soon as I found myself looking for her basement bagina to make an appearance.
E! News also has pictures of Basement Baby’s face covered in hives after the wedding reception. Jay-Z’s revenge! Basement Baby should’ve known something was up when the special present from Jay-Z started buzzing like crazy. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, indeed.