So, despite the fact that Lily Allen has been skipping around divorce rumors for what feels like forever and that she recently joined Tinder, she’s still technically a married lady. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping former One Direction fetus Zayn Malik from trying to court her. According to The Sun, 22-year-old Zayn has been wooing 30-year-old Lily with a collection of NSFW pics.
Lily’s friends say that Zayn has had it bad for Lily since they met on a flight about two years ago, which isn’t sex-code for anything – they legitimately met on a flight. Of course, he couldn’t really pursue Lily because he was with Perrie Edwards. But once Zayn and Perrie’s love joined the rest of the soggy broken hearts on the stinky south-facing pile of expired relationships that was the Summer of Splits, he was free to pursue her. Or should I say “peensue.” Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out for that one. A source close to Lily gave The Sun this extremely British-sounding piece of gossip.
“Zayn fancies Lily and has made that very clear. He has even sent her X-rated pics and raunchy texts which Lily has told quite a few people in her close circle about. She’s flattered.”
I like to think the source then added: “Zayn thinks Lily is a really fit bird. He’s chuffed to bits about her. I know he’d fancy a snog and a shag, and he’s hoping a few mobile snaps of his trouser prawn will seal the deal.” Then he peeled away in his Shaguar while hollering “Yeah, baby!”
I’ve got to hand it to Zayn. He may be young, but he truly knows what a woman wants. I mean, nothing says “Will u be mine?” like a blurry weird angle pic of your junk. That’s so sweet. I’m sure Nicholas Sparks just lit his laptop on fire because he knows he can’t compete with Zayn’s next-level romance.
I don’t know what’s worse: referring to Hilary Duff as a divorcée, or that it’s 2014 and I’m bringing you a story about Aaron Carter that isn’t about declaring bankruptcy or his appearance on a 3rd-tier reality show like Curling with the Stars or I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here – Ukraine Edition.
It’s only been 4 days since Hilary Duff announced her split from Mike Comrie (a man with the hardest working neck in the business), but it looks like Aaron Carter is hoping to swoop in and rekindle the romance they had once upon a time. Oh, don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten the pre-Angelina-Brad-Jennifer love-triangle that was Hilary-Aaron-Lindsay?
It all began when Aaron took to Twitter to tweet some cryptic messages immediately after news broke that Lizzie McGuire’s marriage was dunzo:
But everyone knows that on Twitter, “don’t ask” means “please ask, I have so many thoughts” so most of his followers started tweeting him asking if he was referring to the possibility that Hilary Duff is back on the market. He allegedly responded to one inquisitive follower via DM with what I accidentally mistook for Air Supply lyrics:
Shortly after this, some of Aaron’s Twitter followers started tweeting that Hilary Duff had followed-up her divorce announcement by following Aaron on Twitter, so I went through the list of who she’s following to see if this was true, but I didn’t see Aaron. I’d call Aaron’s followers a bunch of drama-loving dummies, but I’m the one who spent 10 minutes of my life scrolling through Hilary’s following list like Bob Woodward on the cusp of breaking the story of the century, so who’s the real dummy here.
Nobody’s asked what Hilary Duff thinks of all of this, but one can assume she’s at home frantically squeezing into her wedding dress and using flashcards to teach her son Luca about his new ‘Unky Aaron’. I think I smell the next Nicholas Sparks movie; Aaron’s Heart (Come Get It). Hilary could be played by Emma Roberts (or if the budget is tight, Haylie Duff) and Aaron could be played by a janitor’s mop in meth drag.