And now for some news that proves that Thanksgiving week only gives us the most important stories…
When it comes to shocking break ups where everyone assumed the couple would be together forever, many names come to mind. Of course the most recent would be Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, but a classic would also be Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Another, less publicized but equally epic in terms of it’s love story, was the short-lived whirlwind romance of Noah Cyrus and Soundcloud rapper Lil Xan. The two of them broke up back in September, shocking the world and making Cupid hit the bottle hard as he tried to drown his sorrows of another star-crossed romantic failure. Well he better get himself another bottle of vodka, because Noah is putting a nail in the coffin of her once true love, saying that it was all a “mistake”.
Demi Lovato is in “the news” for holding hands with a man after leaving Warwick nightclub in Hollywood. Can you imagine getting in “the news” for holding hands? Demi’s PR whore is probably starting the week off right by getting a “job well done” bonus from her. Continue reading
Angelina Jolie recently did an interview with Hello (via People) to talk about her perfume gig with Guerlain. Angelina told Hello more of what we already knew: that she wasn’t taking any money from Guerlain (she’s donating it to charity), and that she had a connection to Guerlain because that’s what her late mother Marcheline Bertrand wore.
Not even a year ago, Taylor Swift was telling her squad, “Don’t even look at that shady whore Apple when she comes through the cafeteria,” and now they’re all the way up each other’s culitos. Tay Tay and Apple continued blowing air kisses up each other’s b-holes today by releasing an ad for Apple Music where she gets on a treadmill and raps to Drake and Future’s “Jumpman.” When you listen to Taylor rap, you’ll know who taught MH Weibe how to flow. Tay Tay also gave everyone a special gift when she busted out a moment that will probably become one of the GREATEST GIFS OF ALL TIME (sorry, KanyeShrug.GIF). “Taylor’s” (read: Taylor’s body double’s) face eats rubber at the very end:
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) April 1, 2016
Never mind that Taylor looks like the shush baby of Anna Wintour and an inflatable sky dancer, she may get a taste of her own “sue a bitch” medicine thanks to this Apple Music commercial. I mean, the whole “prove that you’re oh-so-quirky and oh-so-real and omg-relatable by falling on the floor” is Jennifer Lawrence’s copyrighted trick!
Wind truly is the shameless pervert of the weather world. It’s always blowing up skirts and blowing against the crotch parts of pants. Sure, rain makes everyone look like they’re starring in a low-budget wet clothes fetish porno, but at least rain helps flowers grow. Wind does nothing but embarrass you. Case in point, Elizabeth Olsen at a Miu Miu fragrance launch in Paris on Saturday. Chris Evans’ secret on-set girlfriend showed up wearing a dress from the Shirley Partridge Collection, and it only took about three seconds in front of the paps before that sleazy creep came and blew up her dress. Inappropriate, wind!
Thankfully, Elizabeth brought a pussy-hiding purse with her and she was able to push her dress back down. Still, she might want to take a cue from The Queen and fill her skirt hem full of weights next time. And yes, there will be a next time – there’s always a chance that a no-good skirt-flipping gust of wind is lurking around, ready to pounce and expose your down-lows. The wind is the Joe Francis of the meteorology world.
But if Elizabeth really wants to get back at the wind, she could always ask her pocket goth older sisters, the Olsen Twins, to put a curse on it. What am I saying? They probably already have beef with the wind. One strong gust, and they’re blown thirty feet into the air like two plastic bags.
Here’s more of Elizabeth at the Miu Miu event, as well as Kate Moss, Amber Heard, the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards, and Sally Draper.
In “News You Definitely Care About” news, Jennifer Aniston’s partner in tequila (Side note: I totally picture them reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp with a tequila worm), Chelsea Handler, was on Conan last night and she once again swore on the carton of Belvedere in her garage that the Vine of Jason Biggs emptying his bladder on her face is one hundred percent real.
A few weeks ago, the epitome of SUCIO found a new low when a Vine made the rounds of Jason Biggs golden showering on Chelsea Handler as she swam below him in the ocean. Nasty trollop didn’t even close her mouth! Pimp Mama Kris already hates Chelsea Handler, but she hates her a little more today and is totally disgusted. How can Chelsea Handler get pissed on in a video and then give that video to the public FOR FREE? PMK is so glad they’re not in the same basic cable family anymore.
Chelsea was on Howard Stern last week and she claimed that she and Jason didn’t stage the piss party so she’d have a story to tell on talk shows while selling her Netflix comedy special. And last night, Chelsea pissed out the story into Conan’s face:
“I did not want to be urinated on. That’s not something I was trying to get to happen. It did happen and I’m still here. He’s got problems, okay and he had a urinary tract infection on this trip. No, he didn’t. So I got off the boat, there’s a below deck they call, the little thing, so I jump off of it and I was holding onto it because we were getting on another boat to go to the beach. All of a sudden I realize, I look up and Jason’s penis was there and he was urinating on my face. I thought it was so funny that somebody would pee on someone’s face that I was laughing so hard I couldn’t swim away. Even if I could’ve swim I would’ve just swam into the boat so I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle. Listen, I can take one for the team. If somebody needs to get urinated on, I am happy to do that. I don’t care about urine. Who cares?”
Those last few lines…. If Chelsea was about 30 years younger, R. Kelly would be all about that.
I’ve thrown the Vine up after the cut so we can all disinfect (Freudian typo and it stays) it piss stream by piss stream: