If Taylor Swift and Katy Perry were both running for freshmen class president (no offense to freshmen class president candidates), this would be the part where Taylor and her squad smugly hand out “Vote 4 Tay Tay” cards attached to full-size Snickers as Katy hands out “Vote 4 Katy” cards attached to mini Snickers.
Today was supposed to be Katy Perry’s big day. After weeks of releasing a million new songs (okay three) and going on about character assassin Taylor Swift to sell her new album, Katy Perry’s Witness is finally out. But being the snake emoji in the grass she is, Taylor has been lying in the darkness, waiting to strike at a trick, and she did it last night without saying a word. Just a few hours before Witness came out, the Mattel brand Medusa sat before her baby pink iMac and clicked the “RELEASE THE CATALOG” button while saying, “Swish swish this, bish.” Taylor released all of her songs to all streaming services.
If Erin Moran’s brother is telling the truth, then in that picture above, she may be thinking to herself, “I wish I could get on something like that instead of getting on Chachi’s baby carrot cock,” while staring at hot dogs on the craft service table.
Somewhere in heaven last night, Erin Moran grabbed a bag of popcorn and sat in the front row to watch her brother read a motherfucker like the climax in a Jackie Collins novel. I think that Scott Baio might technically be a flatworm now because Erin’s older brother, Tony Moran, tore him several new assholes. Tony went after Scott on Facebook and Twitter for publicly bringing up the rumor that Erin died of a heroin overdose and also mouth shitting out a river of sanctimonious diarrhea about booze, drugs and addicts. When the Coroner’s Office announced that Erin most likely died of stage 4 cancer complications, Scott whined about how the media is making him out to be the fuck fart he is and also said that he would’ve never said what he said if he knew she had a terminal disease. Tony Moran has taken Scott’s apology, rolled it up, handed it back to him and told himself to dry fuck himself with it.
Now that Anna Duggar’s brother mentions it, Josh Duggar does look like he should be saying “Th-th-th-that’s all folks!” after crashing through a drum. (No offense to Porky Pig.)
Josh Duggar has admitted to child touching and cheating on his wife, but even after all that, she will not leave him, because if she gets a divorce, her soul will belong to Lucifer and her fellow quiverfulls will label her as “tainted goods.” No, seriously, they’d probably stitch a label that reads “tainted goods” on the back of her long, denim skirt. It seems like everyone in Anna’s life is telling her to stay with Josh, but now we know that there’s at least one person in her family who has a working brain.
After Ricky Gervais was quickly shanked like a prison yard snitch for being too real at the 69th Golden Globe Awards, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were brought in to be funny, but not too funny (aka don’t be Ricky, or there will be a sharpened toothbrush handle with your names on it). Despite my skepticism, I thought they did a good job last year, especially when they took that strawberry-scented Holly Hobby doll Taylor Swift to task with the world’s tamest Taylor Swift joke, a joke which hurt Princess Tay-tay’s feeling enough for her to use Vanity Fair as her own personal Burn Book . Remember this quote from Taylor?
“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Just like Pepperidge Farms, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler remember. And last night (deep breath) Tina and Amy managed to quote Taylor’s quote about Tina and Amy as Taylor was sitting in the audience right in front of them. After Amy won for Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy for her role as Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation, Tina said:
“I love you, and there’s a special place in hell for you.”
And that’s when I erased my grade of B and bumped it up to an A+++, two thumbs up, and 5 Amazon stars for their hosting duties. That Vanity Fair article came out last March. March. It’s January. That means Tina has been sitting on that diss for 10 months. You know what that’s called? Jedi-level trolling. BOW DOWN, BITCHES.
Of course, they did have some other good non-Taylor jokes last night:
Poehler: “A very good evening to everyone here in the room, and to all the women and gay men watching at home.”
Fey: “Gravity is nominated for Best Motion Picture. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
Poehler: “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.”
Then Tina made a sort of not-right joke about The Black List and Somali pirates, and the pencil I was taking notes with quit that bitch. But overall, good job ladies!
Have you ever sat around eating McDonalds or Burger King and started stoner-philosophizing about why you can’t supersize your 6-piece nugget combo to include jungle juice and weed? Of course you have! It’s America’s favorite pastime. Well, for all of you praying for the day you can get drugs in a happy meal (you can in Florida; everything comes with your choice of meth or meth) get to Georgia, because you might get lucky next time you make a burger run.
According to TMZ, 32-year-old Amy Seiber is your god today, because she was fired from her job at Wendy’s after a customer called 911 to complain that she had found a half-smoked blunt in her cheeseburger:
According to police, Seiber said she had been smoking pot on the job and conveniently “misplaced” the blunt inside the customer’s burger. The blunt was taken as evidence and Seiber was arrested for possession of marijuana.
We spoke to the lucky customer, who tells us she experienced food poisoning-type symptoms after the incident and had to be hospitalized.
So far, she says Wendy’s has offered to help pay for her medical bills … and has even generously thrown in a $50 gift certificate. Like she’ll ever eat at Wendy’s ever again.
A rep for Wendy’s tells TMZ, “Obviously the employee broke the rules and did not follow proper food handling steps. We are deeply sorry that this incident occurred.” The rep says the franchisee is working out a favorable solution with the customer, including paying her medical bills.
You got food poisioning-like symptoms? DRAMATIC. Guess what, dum-dum, everybody gets food poisioning-like symptoms from Wendy’s; has anyone ever eaten 2 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers and fries dipped in a Frosty and not thought “Why all of a sudden do I have the overwhelming feeling that I need to make peace with my god?”
The only thing missing from this story is Her Royal Highness Princess Cheeseburger Flip-flop of Atlanta. If Florida is the reigning state of meth n’ bath salts stories, then Georgia is the undefeated king of the fucked-up cheeseburger stories. Stay classy, Southern States.
And here’s Amy Seiber’s mugshot, which also doubles as the headshot she can bring to her Orange Is The New Black audition (her character’s prison name can be Cheeseblazer):
(Pics via TMZ)
When Jenny McCarthy isn’t busy pissing people off over vaccinations, trash talking Jim Carrey, alienating the last the three people still watching “The View” and making Gucci somehow look low rent, she managed to get her try-hardy ass on Oprah’s shit list according to an interview she did with Andy Cohen on “Watch What Happens Live “(via USWeekly).
She explained that she had a falling out with the mega-mogul, 59, after a tentative deal — McCarthy was to have a talk show on Winfrey’s OWN network — apparently fell through. “I did a deal with her for five years, but we, we kinda shook hands. I would be scared she would beat me up,” McCarthy revealed.
When Bravo’s Cohen asked McCarthy to clarify what happened with the the deal, she confirmed that “It didn’t [work out],” suggesting that she walked away to pursue other interests. “I left. I am terrified . . . I would be like OH NO [if we ran into each other].”
“Do you think you’re on her ‘list’?” Cohen asked.
“I’m sure there’s probably a lot of people on her sh*t list, but I’m probably number 4,” McCarthy estimated.
Knowing Oprah, numbers one through three are- in no particular order- James Frey, Steadman’s penis and anybody on her staff who dares suggest catering bring in low-fat muffins. Any number of things could be put in the fourth slot (cue stomachs everywhere churning over anything having to do with “Oprah” and “slot”), but Jenny seems to be convinced if they ever crossed paths again, Oprah would start screaming, “YOU GET AN ASS BEATING. AND YOU GET AN ASS BEATING. AND EVERYBODY GETS AN ASS BEATING!” while the audience collectively loses their shit. Jenny at least had the common sense to back out before jumping on the OWN network, which Oprah herself has admitted hadn’t lived up to the hype and caused her to dive headfirst into the sads.
Oprah told People magazine she had a meltdown last summer because “people were counting me out… After 25 years of being No. 1, I had become accustomed to success. I didn’t expect failure. I was tested and I had to dig deep.” She said “the schadenfreude was very painful for me, because I had never experienced it. I thought, ‘Do I not get credit for the 25 years? What have I gotten myself into?’”
If only Jenny had read some of the reviews when Barbara Walters came knocking on her door as a replacement for Elisabeth Hasselcrack on “The View”, housewives wouldn’t live in fear of hearing any more information about Donnie Wahlberg’s ass or how he likes to jerk it on those ridiculous glasses she wears. You know Jenny’s the type who would demand every Lens Crafters employee stop what they’re doing as she tries on every oversized frame reserved for hot chicks with crippling self-esteem issues asking, “But would you fuck me??“