No, We’re Not Having A Good Time

I guess all those seizures and guzzling down all those Purple Drank fucked up Lil Wayne’s entire being more than we thought, because the womb-raiding goblin of New Orleans somehow thought it was a good idea to rap on Wonky McValtrex’s latest musical herp outbreak “Good Time.”

In this snippet, Wonks is still the oldest whore at the teen rave and sounds like a slutty baby with acid reflux while she queefs out poetic lyrics like, “Yes, I’m having a good time and I might be a bit tipsy but that’s okay cuz you’re with me.” Bitch looks as plastic as her soul and those factory-defected swap meet colored contacts make her look like a 99 Cent Store version of the real-life Ukrainian Barbie.

I take back that first sentence. Lil Wayne hasn’t completely lost his gremlin mind, because he did spit out these words of truth: “All she know is suck fuck.” Throw in “and how to be trash” and that would be the most accurate description of Wonky ever.

via Gawker

Anthony Weiner Ran Through A McDonald’s To Get Away From Sydney Leathers

It’s times like these when I am so glad that both Anthony Weiner and Sydney Leathers are skanky sleaze whores with zero dignity and no shame, because they made last night a night to remember. I once watched a pant-less drunk dude barf onto a table at a McDonald’s in Union Square and that moment now seems pure and pristine compared to Sydney Leathers chasing Anthony Weiner through a McDonald’s after he came in last place in the Democratic race for the Mayor of NYC. Bitch bit the bottom hard.

Gawker says that the night started with Anthony Weiner’s sext-mistress turned porn star Sydney Leathers showing up to his campaign party with her stretched-out silicone globes breaking through her elegant Joyce Leslie original. Sydney told reporters outside of Weiner’s campaign party that she was there, because she’s one of the reasons why he came up empty in the NYC mayoral race. Kind of like how his dick came up empty after he jacked off to her pictures for the 12th time in an hour. Sydney planned to confront Weiner at his party, because she’s a fame whore and that’s what fame whores do. Weiner wasn’t inside when Sydney showed up and when he found out about her plan, he tried to foil her stunt queen move by sneaking into his party through the backdoor of the McDonald’s next door. Sydney saw Anthony Weiner going into the McDonald’s and she followed him. The beautiful, hilarious and sad moment was captured in two Vines, which are after the cut. CUE THE BENNY HILL THEME SONG!  Continue reading

That’s Okay, You Didn’t Need To Sleep Tonight Anyway

I don’t know where to start, so I don’t even know if I should….

The porn iguana goddess Courtney Stodden and her human hemorrhoid-looking husband Doug Hutchison made dozens of people dry heave through their eyes last night when they hugged and kissed on each other at Plastic Martyr’s birthday party in Hollywood. Why is Courtney wearing a lipstick in shade: corpse hooker? Why does Doug look like a Garbage Pail Kid version of Shaved Head Britney? Why do her tits look like sea urchins without their spikes caught in a net? Why is this the most terrifyingly elegance thing I’ve ever seen? Why to all of it? These pictures make me want to run to the nearest church and I don’t know whether I want to thank God for giving us an elegant creature like Courtney Stodden or erase these images from my brain by dipping my head in the holy water bowl?

And if you want to add another layer of ICK NAST to your Sunday, click to the 2:40 mark in the video below (via ONTD) to see Courtney kiss her mom on the lips for the paps:

But I will say that her cross necklace really adds a delicate and classy touch to her ensemble.

Pics: Splash

I Hit It First: The Video

After watching Ray J’s trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called “I Hit It First” and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian’s big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don’t know who’s trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should’ve spent less of the video’s $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should’ve laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that’s just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there’s the Kartrashian’s vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians’ yacht and she didn’t do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it’s okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don’t know.  I’m not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I’ll stare at this picture and try to figure out who’s winning the battle to the biggest, Kim’s bump or ass?

“Remember When You Almost Killed My Ass In That Lamborghini? Ahahahahaha…”

RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn’t getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches… My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown’s foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.

Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown’s  outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, “He looks like he got dat thunda lightning.“

And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn’t a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.

Lindsay Lohan Punched A Woman Over This

TMZ, Radar and UsWeekly all have different stories for why Lindsay Lohan punched Tiffany Eve Mitchell (Side note: I just knew her name was going to be Tiffany or Crystal.) at Avenue in NYC early this morning.

UsWeekly says that LiLo bopped a bitch in the face, because she wanted to sit in the VIP section and Tiffany’s purse and coat were in the way. They got into a fight after Tiffany refused to move her stuff. The old LiLo would’ve stolen that purse and coat and traded them in for a baggie of the bad shit, but since she’s trying to be a different kind of mess, she punched Tiffany in the face instead.

Radar says that LiLo not only had the sweet nectar running through her veins, but she was also filling her nostrils with coke. We all know that LiLo turns on the “cunt” when she’s high on coke, so she snapped when Tiffany asked to take a picture with her. LiLo refused to pose with Tiffany, so Tiffany shrugged and kept dancing with her friends. LiLo wouldn’t let it go and later on, she shoved Tiffany before throwing a fist. LiLo kicked, screamed and spit at Tiffany until the fight was broken up.

And TMZ has the best and most pathetic reason for why LiLo kissed probation goodbye by attacking someone. Their source says that LiLo has had her brown eye, crack eye and all her eyes on Max from The Wanted for a while now. (The Wanted is that British boy band who isn’t One Direction.) The Wanted opened for Justin Bieber at Madison Square Garden last night and so LiLo went there to try to get a piece of Max. After she was denied from going backstage, she met up with Max and the other dudes from The Wanted at a bar. They partied at the bar and then all went to Avenue. As the morning went on, LiLo’s drunk ass got sloppier and sloppier, and Max wasn’t exactly looking for a ho to barf on his dick during sex times. So Max started hitting on Tiffany, which made LiLo ragey and we all know what happened next. Max ended up leaving the club with a piece who wasn’t LiLo or Tiffany.

This is how dumb LiLo is. Scrappin’ over some dick that she’s never even had. How are you going to fight for some dick if you don’t even know whether or not the dick is good? The dick might not even be worth getting into a Rock-Paper-Scissors fight over, let alone a fist fight. Any self-respecting slut would’ve asked to taste test the dick before slapping a trick over it. Getting done in by dick is tragic on its own, but getting done in by dick that you haven’t even done is extra tragic. And yes, you high school theater students can use that last tongue twisting sentence for your vocal warm-ups.

Also, the Santa Monica City attorney just hit LiLo with 3 charges for lying to the cops after crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Add that to her assault charge from this morning and that’s 4 criminal charges on the same day. White Oprah, please take a bow, because you have raised a true winner!

Here’s Tiffany Eve Mitchell looks Jerseylicious chic while leaving the police station this morning.