When it was revealed last week that humanized horny moan Rihanna had been caught mouth-humping on itchy-looking man slut Leonardo DiCaprio at the Playboy Mansion, most of us were shocked at two things: one, that the millions of random skanky bacterias haunting their mouths didn’t form one giant virus, and two, that Leo was kissing a woman who was born in the 80s. But according to UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life), we shouldn’t have been shocked at all, because these two have been boning for several years now.
A source claims that Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na have been hooking up for years, and possible while they were seeing other people. “That’s why I kept finding denim stripper thongs in Leo’s beard” thought several hundred nameless panty models. “That’s why I kept finding dead bed bugs in her booty” gagged Drake. The source goes on to say that RiRi and Stinky the Boxcar Bum reconnected after he gave his bottom bony bitch, Toni Garrn, walking papers:
“After his breakup, Leo started texting Rihanna again. They decided to have some fun. Neither one is looking to make this anything more than fun. He’s into her, and they’re enjoying it.”
Allow me to translate: he’s getting his bindle stick wet with her intergalactic cooch juices, and nobody’s sleeping over. Get it, you perpetually-horny sluts.
And I like to imagine that every text Leo sends RiRi begins with the words “Hey girl, u awake? U want me to send Lukas Haas over in the dinghy to get u?“
I’m pretty sure that’s how Contagion started.
In the war room of the CDC, top scientists and infectious diseases specialists are working on a plan to drop a quarantine tent around the entire state of Florida before the super STD that was born yesterday morning crosses state lines and destroys us all. Art Basel, the Coachella for the art world, is happening in Miami right now and so many celebrity gutter tramps are currently terrorizing Florida. E! News says that a CDC nightmare was created at the Miami club E11EVEN early yesterday morning when Miley Cyrus’ toxic yeast rod of a tongue made its way into Wonky McValtrex’s mouth. To quote whoever wrote on that wall in 28 Days Later: REPENT/THE END IS/EXTREMELY/FUCKING/NIGH!
Several sources tell E! that after Jeremy Scott’s Moschino Barbie party, Miley dragged her silent twink boy toy Patrick Schwarzenegger to E11EVEN where they met up with Wonky. Since Miley Cyrus would stick her tongue in a naked mole rat’s asshole if it got her attention and Wonky is forever a 16-year-old straight girl who thinks making out with other girls at the club is ~edgy~, those two cochinas mouth fucked. It’s Valtrex’s answer to Taylor and Karlie.
The massive celeb-studded party that is Art Basel Miami showed no signs of dying down last night (or this morning), with Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton keeping the anything-goes action going by making out in the wee hours at E11EVEN, a cabaret/nightclub in South Beach, multiple sources tell E! News.
As Patrick watched, he thought to himself, “Gurrrl, better Wonks than me.”
If you put a microscope magnifying glass up to Miley and Wonky’s mouths as they made out, it probably looked like the Battle of Gettysburg. All those strains of diseases battling each other. I wonder which one won out? I’m going with herpes.
And here’s Miley transferring Wonky’s saliva to Patrick while hanging out with twink pilgrim Cody Simpson at some restaurant in Miami Beach.
Pics: Splash, Getty
In “Skank Dumpster Trash You Haven’t Thought About In Years” news, TMZ says that early this morning in Malibu, a raggedy fight broke out between meth-faced Jeremy Jackson (aka Hobie from Baywatch) and two dried balls of smegma that humanity squirted out of its ass 10 years ago. Jeremy Jackson tells TMZ that he ended up with a busted eye after he got a beat down delivered to him by Brandon “Fat Elvis” Davis, Wonky McValtrex and others. Those dumb whores. Couldn’t they have waited for Dlisted’s 10th anniversary in January to give us this gutter gift from 2005?
Jeremy tells TMZ he was at a party at Wonky’s rented house in Malibu last night and at around 2 this morning, Fat Elvis and other nasty pieces of L.A. trash attacked him and cracked a liquor bottle over his head. Jeremy didn’t say why they came after him, but he did say that they’re all “degenerate fame whores.” The cops tell TMZ that they got 2 separate calls from 2 separate people at the party who claimed they got attacked by the other one. One of the two people was Wonky’s brother (probably Barron Hilton). Nobody wanted to press charges, so nobody was arrested and the cops left. Jeremy gave TMZ this picture of his busted eye and he says his attackers were “literally going Rodney King on my ass.”
Yes, because an orange has-been getting his ass beat by a bunch of spoiled, useless human viruses at a Malibu beach house is just like a Rodney King situation. Either the meth ate whatever was left inside of Hobie’s head or that scratch on his eye got infected and spread to his brain. And that “owwie” looks like the infection a dude gets after Wonky sits on his face and squirts.
And Fat Elvis earning the 8-balls Wonky gives him by beating tricks she tells him to beat up tells us that everything is fine and well in the 2005 exhibit of the fame whore zoo and we can keep it moving.
Since we’re on the subject of Jeremy Jackson’s beautifully sculpted orange meth face, here he is at Chippendales 3 years ago.
And with a face and a body like that, how can the moms resist?!? Talk about the definition of DILF (Deaner I’d like to fake a cheating scandal with). When Deano “The Deaner” McDermott rolls up to school, the unloading zone isn’t just for dropping off children; it’s also for dropping panties (oh god NO, I should not have said that. Please email me instructions for cleaning vomit out of a keyboard).
The producers of Fame WhORI must have caught wind that 99.999% of humans believe that Tori Spelling’s “marriage crisis” is about as real as her left tit, because Radar claims The Deaner was a beady-eyed bangaholic gold-digging dirtbag long before he admitted to cheating on his wife with that made-up chick from Toronto. In fact, a source says The Deaner didn’t have to go very far to chase non-Tori tail:
“Dean began brazenly hitting on a hot mom in their son Liam’s class,” an insider tells Radar. “She is a busty blonde, and always impeccably dressed, even for pick-up and drop-off. Before the cheating scandal made news, Dean was openly hitting on her.”
Come on, insider, you’ve got to try harder than that. The Deaner would never limit himself to one mom, and she doesn’t have to be hot. The Deaner’s wandering peener knows no limitations. It’s the Statue of Liberpeen. “Give me your hot moms, your ugly moms, your married and single. The Deaner welcomes ’em all.”
And I wonder what it was like when The Deaner was openly hitting on said hot mom? I bet it went a lilsomethinglikethis:
“Pardon me, ma’am, but may I ask you what’s crappenin’? My name is The Deaner, but I bet it would look better on your bedroom floor. Aw FUCK, I messed that up. Gimme a do-over? The Deaner made a stop at Hooters on the way over, but ended up pounding more beers than pussy, if you know what I mean. Fun Fact: The Deaner is Canadian. Wanna see if my dick tastes like maple syrup? Hey, where you going? You still want my number?”
At which point, they asked him to quiet down, because they were about to start the PTA meeting.
The expired glow stick that is Ke$hit has been on the side of the stage, in the darkness, watching all the spotlights shine on Miley Cyrus’ smothered cooter flaps and RiRi’s quivering ass cakes, so she’s decided to get a little attention of her own by posing like she’s got a stuck doody bubble and she’s enema-ready. Not pictured: Dozens of people running for their lives from the room because they’re afraid she’s about to blow.
Ke$hit posted this “cracked out gutter weasel in heat” pose and other pictures from some video shit on Instagram, and each picture she looks like a $1 raver whore who passed out on a pile of old cotton candy in the dumpster area of a carnival. In other words, Ke$hit has never looked so demure and graceful. As TMZ points out, the last time we saw Ke$hit’s ass it looked about as flat as a cake that’s been sploshed on ten too many times. She looked like SpongeBob in a Miracle Suit. But now here she is with an actual ass. Either this is some Photoshop wizardry or she got the Nicki Minaj plastic ass special or that’s an ass double.
Whatever the case may be, somebody get the Q-tip.