Because I don’t love myself (and also because I misplaced my memory stick containing all 8 episodes of Anchorwoman), I watched Presidential hopeful Donald Trump host Saturday Night Live last night. And I’m sure if you also made the mistake of watching, there’s a 100% chance you’re yelling “Oh my god, that goddamn laser harp sketch” at your screen right now. Because yeah, that goddamn laser harp sketch. I still can’t with that laser harp sketch. I swear to god, about 3 seconds into that laser harp sketch, I started praying that one of those lasers would magically shoot into my brain and wipe away the memory of watching Donald Trump try to act.
To be honest, I was expecting more of a shit-show than what we actually got. Sadly, what we actually got was 12 minutes of Donald Trump squinting at the cue-cards like a near-sighted rotten circus peanut that pretty much everyone hated. We also got Larry David (who came back to do Bernie Sanders better than the real Bernie Sanders does Bernie Sanders) calling Donald Trump a “racist“ from the audience, but because Lorne Michaels is trolling at an expert level (see: having Donald Trump host), there’s a 99.99999999% chance that was a staged bit. But other than that, my brain was hating me every moment I didn’t reach for the remote and search for a rerun of Pick A Puppy.
But in the event you’re not totally over Hotline Bling parodies, then I have some good news: they did parody Drake’s dad-dancing in the Hotline Bling video.
Yes, that was Martin Short as Ed Grimley making an appearance at the 1:13 mark, which honestly was just about the most infuriating part of the whole night. You mean to tell me they had life legend Martin Short there the whole time, and they went with Donald Trump??? If they were really that hard up for a smarmy dude with weird-looking fluffy white hair to host the show, I’m sure Martin Short would have gladly pulled his old Jackie Rogers Jr. wig out of storage and stuck around.
Here’s more of Donald Trump (you’re like “Yeah, nobody asked for more Donald Trump“) leaving the SNL afterparty last night, as well as musical guest Sia, Larry David, Bill O’Reilly, and Donald’s “third wife” (copyright: Ivana Trump) Melania.
Pics: NBC, Splash
NBC announced that angry clump of guinea pig hair Donald Trump will host an entire episode of Saturday Night Live on November 7th. Remember a few months ago when NBC dumped Trump because of the shit he said about Mexican immigrants? It’s nice to see that the Peacock has shoved its tongue up Trump’s b-hole again for the sake of a ratings stunt. That’s the bad news (or the BEST news if you are a fuckery lover like me). The worst news is that the musical guest for that episode isn’t the graceful swan Melania Trump. I would fully embrace a Trump-hosted SNL if the musical guest was Melania Trump and she just emoted and cooed for 5 minutes straight. The musical guest will be Sia. I hope they trade hair for the night. via The Wrap
The appearance will actually mark the second hosting stint on the late-night show for Trump, who also held down hosting duties on April 3, 2004.
The musical guest for the episode will be Sia, who’s preparing to release her new album “This Is Acting,” which features the single “Alive.”
Please tell me that Donald Trump will announce on Saturday Night Live that his entire campaign has been a really elaborate marketing stunt to promote his episode. But really, Trump hosting SNL is redundant since his entire campaign so far has been one long skit. Exhibit: A
As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.
Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.
I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.
And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).
Although in this crystal-clear vision test of a video uploaded by the Academy of Recoding Arts and Sciences, it could also be the Target Lady in grimy Gummo drag. Sadly, it’s not, but it’s the next best thing: Kristen Wiig in grimy Gummo drag flailing around to “Chandelier” at the Grammys last night with professional tiny wigged dancer Maddie Ziegler in what appears to be the living room from any episode of American Pickers, while Sia hung out in the corner with her face to the wall like she was waiting for the Blair Witch. All of which was introduced by a cleaned-up Shia LaBeouf reading an art school stoner-sounding love-letter to Sia written by her husband. And yet, still not as busted as Madonna’s performance.
I know Sia gets a major case of stage jitters every time someone asks her to perform live, and I’m all for her asking famous types to fill in for her, face-wise, but I feel like she really missed an opportunity last night by not swapping out Maddie Ziegler with Bill Hader, thus denying us (aka me) a much-wanted (by me) follow up to the life-giving lip-synching scene from The Skeleton Twins. If you’re going to replace yourself with two people lip synching for their liiiiiives, you should get the best.
Thankfully, Sia was brave enough to make an appearance on the red carpet before the ceremony, but she hid her face with a wig made from Santa’s pubes because she’s super shy, and definitely not because she’s 2015’s version of Lady Gaga and loves the attention. Here she is being escorted up the red carpet by her contractually obligated shadow Maddie Ziegler last night:
Somewhere in a Little Tikes Climb & Slide Castle, Justin Bieber is holding a meeting with his lawyer Teddius Stuffington, Esq. to discuss last night’s on-point Saturday Night Live commercial spoofing those busted black and white Calvin Klein ads. “They’re just jealous haters. Can we sue them for being jealous haters? Think about it and get back to me – I want to watch Bubble Guppies before my nap.”
Because no one has gotten tired of laughing at Justin Bieber in his underoos trying to act like he just discovered his first pube, SNL put Kate McKinnon a pair of CKs, gave her a bunch of shitty tattoos, and let her drag him to hell. Seriously, I know we all joke about how perfect Kate McKinnon’s Bieber is, but that bitch does a better Bieber than Bieber himself. Justin, take notes – this is how you butch it up. Also, claps for Cecily Strong, who was able to totally nail Lara Stone’s “Do I seriously have to babysit this rugrat?” face.
“Yo, my pipi’s in there” might be the most Justin Bieber-y thing Justin Bieber has never said. And here’s some fun trivia for you: the rolled-up t-shirt Kate McKinnon used to stuff her crotch is the same one used on set by Justin Bieber to stuff his. NO! That’s not true at all. Kate used a much smaller rolled-up t-shirt.
But Kate McKinnon wasn’t the only one serving up “I’m not sure what I’m looking at” realness; Sia was the musical guest on last night’s episode of SNL, and it was all kinds of WTF. Sia has said before that she suffers from stage fright, so she performed wearing what looked like a pair of black frilly panties over her face while the Gummo girl from “Chandelier” danced around her. Later she was accompanied by a weird mime. Eh, still less disturbing than a filthy Shia LaBeouf in a pair of grimy beige underwear.
Then you’re in luck, because here’s a video of a next-level filthy Shia LaBeouf looking like something that crawled out of Leo DiCaprio’s beard after a 12-hour fuck session with Marjory the Trash Heap while interpretive dance cage fighting the offspring of Jackie Rogers Jr. and a dirty pair of gas station nylons for Sia’s new song “Elastic Heart”. Sia says “You’re welcome.”
After dazzling us with her itchy-looking dramatic dumpster dance in the video for “Chandelier“, Sia once again called up Dance Moms star Maddie Ziegler, asked her if she still had that stained beige bodysuit and if she’d be willing to work with a human-sized bedbug, and brought her in to star in the video for “Elastic Heart”. The concept of which is…I’m not sure. Something about Shia LaBeouf being trapped in a giant cage with Maddie Ziegler in a world where there’s no soap and everyone expresses themselves through kicking. Sidenote: I had to get a tetanus shot last Sunday because I accidentally cut off part of my finger with a pair of kitchen scissors, and I don’t exactly know what tetanus is, but I think it’s whatever this video is. This video is tetanus.
And I really hope they recreate this video on Late Night with Seth Meyers like they did with “Chandelier”, because I really want to watch Lena Dunham get into a bonkers flailing-arms dance fight with a half-naked Shia LaBeouf. I’m not sure what that says about me. Actually, that could be a lingering side-effect from the tetanus shot.