Prophet Justin Bieber Says We Will All Regret Not Celebrating Chris Brown’s Genius While He’s Still Alive
Street prophet Justin Bieber cinched up his big boy pants (the full length ones!), pulled on his best socks and slides combo and stood on his corner soapbox to warn us citizens of humanity that we’re going to be really, really, super sorry for not supporting the unmistakeable talent and superstardom of his most bestest friend in the whole wide world while we had the chance! No, you have not been transported back to the year AD 20 when Jesus was walking among us making miracles happen. Sadly you are still stuck in AD 2019 and Justin is talking about none other than Chris Brown. Yes, that Chris Brown. The Biebs thinks that Chris is the #1 singer in the world and therefore we should overlook the “little” acts of his assholery and abuses towards women or we’ll all be sorry when he’s dead, just like we were over the premature deaths of Michael Jackson and Tupac Shakur. You hear that? We’ll all be sorry!
R. Kelly Asked The Media To Leave Him Alone Ahead Of An Appearance At A Poorly Attended Private Event
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. It’s about this poor guy who is a victim. R. Kelly, who is currently out on bond for numerous counts of sexual abuse, took to his Instagram page last night to illicit a little compassion from the media ahead of a private party in Springfield, Illinois that he was paid in actual U.S. currency to attend. R. asked in his calmest “pretty please” voice for the media to leave him alone, but it turns out he didn’t really need to worry, because the party was pretty much a flop. I guess not that many people are willing to pay to hang out with R. Kelly these days. You don’t say.
I’m curious, does anyone know if it’s possible to jump the shark on yourself? Somebody get The Fonz on the line for a little clarification on the matter, because I’m trying to figure out whether Bebe Rexha just killed her blink-and-you-missed-it singing career or cemented herself on a track t0 mini-pop star status when she ripped her audience new assholes without lube at a pre-Grammy event on Thursday night. It’s a 50/50 proposition, right? Continue reading
Fresh off from collecting some coins for talking about Daughter Meghan to The Daily Mail, Thomas Markle is collecting some coins (I’m guessing… even though Piers Morgan claims he didn’t) for talking about Duchess Meghan to Good Morning Britain. Thomas dribbled out more of the same, like how Meghan isn’t returning his texts or calls (in her defense, it’s kind of hard to return a text from a number you’ve blocked) and has abandoned him as if he’s a geriatric dog who is “too old” to fly. Thomas pretty much said the same thing over and over again, and has become a media robot who spews “my daughter is ignoring me” followed by “now where’s my check?” on a loop. If his daughter did call him, he might malfunction, because what would he say to the tabloids over and over again now?
And a question that boggles my mind is: Why is Megyn Kelly Today still on?
Another question that boggles my mind is: Why do I still watch all four hours of Today including Megyn Kelly’s shit show hour?
Megyn Kelly has already pissed some people off by mouth-sharting out about how she thinks the slutty Handmaid’s Tale costume is okay because it’s for Halloween, and anything goes during Halloween. And on today’s show, Megyn Kelly and three white panelists (Melissa Rivers, Jenna Bush Hager, and Jacob Soboroff) talked about Halloween costumes that have been banned by a university. Megyn Kelly brain-burping up her thoughts about offensive Halloween costumes and cultural appropriation? What could go wrong! NBC executives were either in the control room getting ready to jump on the delay button in case she said anything dumb, or they were getting ready to slap the delay button operator’s hand away in case she said anything dumb because that show needs the attention. Definitely the second one.
It’s a damn good thing I’m not a woman looking for a good man, because my business card proudly states I’m a “Slut, Skeezer, Ho And Tramp-At-Large.”
Tyrese’s bald head has been firmly stuck up his ass for a while now. Tyrese thinks that the pile of mashed dumb in his head is a fountain of endless wisdom and enlightenment for women. Tyrese even wrote a relationship advice book with Rev Run and they hosted a talk show based on their book (the show got canceled). Some of Tyrese’s “greatest hits” include the time he said that Amber Rose dresses in a way that invites groping and that real men don’t take women with fake hair and silicone chichis seriously. Tyrese is back, and this time he’s telling women that God will send you what’s yours if you know your value (read: don’t pass that snatch around). Tyrese also thinks that sluts, skeezers, hoes and tramps (read: Dlisted’s main demographic, I love you) are lowering their value and partly because their coochies have a lot of miles. Don’t believe Tyrese about the coochie mileage thing? Check your coochie’s Kelley Blue Book price!