Category: Shut Your Hole

Are You A Lady? Kirk Cameron Says You’ll Have A Merrier Christmas If You Spend It In The Kitchen

November 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Kirk Cameron, the talking dookie that came to life one day when Ned Flanders took a dump in an enchanted toilet, is currently pimping out his latest film Saving Christmas, which means that he’s super into the Christmas spirit right now. And recently, he uploaded a video to Facebook with some advice for women – sorry, “moms or wives” – on how to squeeze the maximum amount of joy out of your loved ones this holiday season. It’s super easy! All you need to do is lock yourself inside your house and turn it into a gingerbread-scented manger-blasted Christmas wonderland!

“If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you are the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember the joy of the mom is her children’s strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way you decorate your home this Christmas in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom.”

You hear that ladies? When your man has finished off the last of the donkey chow (there were no puppies in Bethlehem) and you can’t find the goddamn pickle forks for the gherkin nativity and Kaidyn just knocked over your 3-wick Bath & Body Works Winter Candy Apple candle, spilling hot wax all over your festive DIY 8lb 6oz Newborn Baby Jesus throw pillows, simply stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath, and sing-scream “JOOOOOOY TO THE WOOOOORLD” at the top of your lungs for all to hear. Let everyone share in your endless joy this Christmas!

And Just Like That, Millions Of Christians Decide To Convert To Atheism

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)

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Lindsay Lohan Personally Handled Whitney Houston’s Body Bag, So Says Lindsay Lohan (UPDATE)

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

UPDATE: The L.A. County Coroner’s Office tells TMZ that LieLo is lying. Whitney was never in a body bag and nobody from the probation department went near her body. So throw this one on the mountain of crack delusions from the mind of Lindsay Lohan.

It’s been a long time (read: like 5 minutes) since the freckled bag of delusion spit out a lie-stuffed crack rock and she’s really making up for lost lies by shitting out a big one.

When LiLo violated her probation in 2011 by drunk driving, she was sentenced to four months of community service in the L.A. County Morgue. They sent her to work in the morgue, because they wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving and because corpses lack this thing called “being alive” which means they can sort of stand being around her. While talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to get fired from, her time in the morgue was brought up and LiLo said that it was inappropriate for the courts to send her there. A lot of people actually agree with her, because dead people have been through enough. LiLo also made the spirit of Nippy slap the coke buzz out of her head by saying that she personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag. This bitch would name drop the names of dead people for attention:

The California courts had decided that her sentence for drink driving and violation of probation should include not only jail time but 12-hour shifts in a morgue. For four months, she worked from 4am to 4pm. It was, as she puts it, “F’d up and inappropriate – because a lot of other people were meant to do it, and they were like: ‘No, they can’t handle it. Lohan can.’ It’s different for me than it would be for other people – like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.”

I’m assuming that this mess means she just rolled a body bag and didn’t actually handle Whitney Houston’s body. If LiLo was allowed anywhere near Nippy’s body, we’d know it. First of all, she’d tweet selfies of her with Nippy’s dead body and TMZ would’ve thrown up a story about how Whitney Houston’s internal organs went missing and it seems like something or someone snorted all the blood out of her body.

To quote Whitney, “Lindsay, I wanna see the receipts!” LiLo probably can’t show us the receipts because the black kid’s got ‘em. So instead I’ll show the receipts that prove that LiLo is most likely doing what she does worst: LIE! Here’s pictures of LiLo with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and her brother in NYC on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston died 2,800 miles away in Beverly Hills, CA.

Pics: Splash

CeeLo Green Wet Farted Up Another Non-Apology After His Show On TBS Got Canceled

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

One snot bubble of a non-apology wasn’t enough for CeeLo Green, so he snorted out a second snot bubble of a non-apology.

The chunky Ghoulie found himself neck deep in a whole lot of cold shit the other day when he told his Twitter followers that it’s not rape if the person is unconscious and doesn’t remember it happening. Those diarrhea-embedded tweets came out of CeeLo after he pleaded “no contest” to one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. The woman he drugged claims he also raped her, but he’s always denied that. The day after CeeLo schooled everyone on the definition of rape, TBS canceled his reality show The Good Life and a source claims that the cancellation has nothing to do with the smegma he spewed and they had already planned to throw his show in a grave before he said that shit. Sure they did.

After his show was killed, the diabolical bowling bowl once again went into damage control mode and tried to tweet another apology, but this “sorry, not sorry” pile of vomit came out instead:

ceelononapologyagain

Comments attributed to me on Twitter…” That’s a new one. Wait, is that CeeLo’s way of saying that he doesn’t remember tweeting that shit? Well then, those tweets never happened and let’s all move along. Because dumbasses who tweet stupid crap about rape REMEMBER.

CeeLo Green Doesn’t Know How Rape Works

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

A couple of years ago, a woman told police that while on a date with CeeLo Green, he allegedly snuck MDMA into her drink and after she passed out, he raped her. At the time, the long-lost twin of Pile of Chet from Weird Science admitted to “giving” the woman MDMA and having sex with her, but denied raping her. CeeLo was charged with drugging the woman, a felony, and the rape charge was dropped due to lack of evidence. CeeLo recently pleaded no contest” to the drugging charge and he was sentenced to probation and community service. CeeLo probably should’ve left it at that, but he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday on Twitter, CeeLo dribbled out an incoherent shit stream of words where he said that it’s only rape if the person is conscious. Satan, please come and get your child, because it’s too early in the week for dumbassery like this.

Before CeeLo hit the delete button on all of his tweets, Love B. Scott (via Buzzfeed) got screen shots of them. CeeLo tried to school his followers on the true meaning of “rape” by telling them that it’s not rape if the person who was raped doesn’t remember they were raped. What in “tree falling in a forest” HELL is this midget T-rex talking about? The tweets are after the cut. CAUTION: You will lose at least one brain cell while reading them.

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The Kanye West Deposition Konfessions, Take 2: Kanye Says The Paparazzi Are Worse Than The Nazis

August 7, 2014 / Posted by:

And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).

Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: ”I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:

“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”

Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:

“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”

I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:

“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her?  Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”

Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.

Another Day, Another Asshole Comparing Paparazzi Attention To Rape

July 6, 2014 / Posted by:

One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent

“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”

Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.

And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:

“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”

Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.

And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.

Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.

Pics: Splash

And Here’s That Video Of Justin Bieber Singing Out The N-Word And Joining The KKK

June 4, 2014 / Posted by:

So that video of the Canadian toddler demon joyfully yodeling out a “parody” of his song “One Less Lonely Girl” called “One Less Lonely Nigger” in front of a recording camera? No, The Sun didn’t pull it out of their asses. It exists and Justin Bieber’s temporary damage control headquarters TMZ posted it, because he wanted them to. Justin Bieber wanted to own up to it…. 5 years later…. and after The Sun posted a story about it… and someone tried to get money out of him for it.

In a scene that looks straight out of One Night with The David Duke Beaver Choir, a 15-year-old Justin Bieber yodels out the slur over and over again before singing about joining the Ku Klux Klan. The piss bucket in a hair helmet did it all in front of a recording camera, because he got his smarts from his brain-dead parents. Speaking of, a lady can be heard giggling in the background and I’m pretty sure it’s his mom. Hi, Pattie Mallette, A+++ parenting as always.

The Biebs’ people tell TMZ that years ago, he told his “mentorsUsher and Will Smith about the videos and told them he regretted spewing out all that racist fuckery. Usher showed the Biebs some historically racist videos to educate him and it obviously worked!

TMZ also says that two months ago, some dude who once worked on a Bieber video tried to sell the racist videos back to him. The dude wanted $1 million and later dropped his price to $500,000, but Bieber’s people farted him away, because they didn’t think the videos would do that much damage.

Here’s the video that the entire Bieber family “awwwws” at in unison while watching home videos on his born day:

It goes without saying, but Janelle Ambrosia Salad’s got a new favorite song to strip for cops to during her Saturday morning shift at the club.

In “The Opposite Of Shocking” News, Justin Bieber Caught Mouth Farting Out A Racist Joke When He Was 15

June 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, The Sun posted of video for their paying customers of the corroded dingle clinging to Canada’s longest ass hair spewing out a dumb racist joke in front of a camera. This morning, TMZ also threw up the video and bragged that they’ve been sitting on it for 4 years, but since they’re the sheer definition of restraint, they didn’t post it, because that popped asshole wart was only 15 at the time and apparently told his friends he regretted telling that stupid ass joke. But thanks to The Sun, we can now watch the dried vomit nugget with a guinea pig combover dribble out a racial slur.

TMZ says that the clip below was shot when the Biebs was 15 during filming for his biopic documentary thing called Never Say Never (alternate title: So THIS Is What Happened To Rosemary’s Baby). Before the clip starts, the Biebs asks, “What’s the most confusing day for black people?” When the clips starts up, he says, “Father’s Day.” The Biebs mistakes the sound of crickets for the sound of non-stop laughter, so he decides to keep the laughs coming and tells another joke while a girl sitting next to him texts the words, “PLEASE KILL ME NOW,‘ to anybody who will listen. The Biebs asks, “Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?” and even though somebody in the room says, “Don’t say it,” he says, “Run-nigger-nigger-run...” A lady, who some say is his mom, pipes in after the punchline with, “You can say ‘motorcycle’ too.” So I guess Jesus hates abortions, but loves those racist jokes.

The Biebs hasn’t said shit about this yet, but it’s Sunday, so I’m sure he’s still sleeping off his sizzurp hangover while sucking on a pacifier in his crib. But Justin Bieber’s ex-bodyguard Kenny Hamilton, who’s black, said on Twitter that he is not a racist. The Beibs’ PR team shouldn’t even bother with a statement, because we all know it’s going to look something like this:

“I apologize to anyone who was offended by the video of me telling a distasteful joke when I was 15 years old. I was younger then, didn’t know any better and didn’t have a PR team to tell me not to say any racist jokes in front of a camera that’s recording. It was not my intention to hurt anyone. Some of my best friends are black. I am grown now and know not to say that word in front of a camera that’s recording. Besides, if I did say that word now, it’s okay, because I’ve been given a pass by the black community.”

And then that grown adult, will guzzle down the rest of the purple drank in his sippy cup, pull down his sagging leather culottes, take a dump in a barback’s bin, pull up his sagging leather culottes and jump on his Big Wheels to find a wall to graffiti on.

Charlize Theron Compares Gossip About Her Life To Rape

May 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Those of you who have your pitchforks out in front of America’s bravest war hero Goopy Paltrow’s house for saying that reading mean comments about her on the Internet is like being a war, there’s been a change of plans. Type “from Goopy’s house to Charlize’s house” into your GPS and take your pitchforks to Charlize Theron’s house!

During an interview for A Million Ways To Die In The West with Sky News, the interviewer kind of set Charlize up when he said that he Googled her name before their interview and most of the stories that came up were about her personal life and not about her career. The interviewer said that the headlines felt “intrusive” to him. Charlize took the bait and ran with it and said that reading gossip about herself makes her feel like she’s been raped. Oh, Charlize, you gorgeous brain dead dumb fuck, take it away:

“I don’t [Google myself], so that’s my saving grace. I think it’s when you start living in that world and doing that, that you start, I guess, feeling raped. Well, you know, when it comes to your son and your private life, maybe that’s just me. Some people might relish in all of that stuff, but there are certain things in my life that I think of as very sacred and I’m very protective over them. That doesn’t mean that I always win that war, but as long as I don’t have to see that stuff or read that stuff or hear that stuff, then I can live with my head in a clear space. It’s probably a lot healthier than living in that little dark room.”

And she also compared gossip to WAR. BURN HER AT THE STAKE!

Publicists should really tell their clients that to be safe, if they’ve never been raped, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being raped. If they’ve never been in the holocaust, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to the holocaust. If they’ve never been in a war, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being in a war. It’s easy. We all would’ve said, “aaaah, that makes sense,” if Charlize said that reading gossip about herself online is a lot like boning Sean Penn while sober during the daylight hours. It makes you feel sad and gross inside.

And Charlize, Goopy Paltrow, Johnny Depp and Kristen Stewart should really start a support group. #YesAllCelebrities

Here’s Charlize, her son and the Sean Penn (working the hobo Alfalfa look) at LAX last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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