Category: Shut Your Hole

Goop Burps Up The Old “Bras Give You Cancer” Myth

October 21, 2015 / Posted by:

GOOP is at it again. Dr. Goopy Paltrow recently got a whole lot of shit thrown at her when she claimed on Instagram that sitting in a hot sauna will flush the flu out. Some medical experts said that while sitting in a sauna may help you flush out the insufferableness that fills your system when you read Goop, it’ll probably make your flu worse. Goopy got even more shit thrown at her again when Goop queefed out a cloud of cold steam in the form of a post about how wearing an underwire bra can lead to cancer.

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KOTD: Kanye West Think The Fashion Industry Discriminated Against Him For Not Being Gay

October 6, 2015 / Posted by:

If you can’t with Kanye today, just let the hipster lumberjack behind him express your thoughts and feelings for you so you can keep it moving. And no, I don’t know if that’s stretched-out pizza dough or a big cum web on Kanye’s body.

Kanye West must not know who Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, Yohji Yamamoto and Robert Cavalli are, because he thinks it’s hard out there for a straight dude in the fashion world. Kanye did a 2-hour long interview for SHOWStudio’s “In Camera” series (via HuffPo) and strangely enough, after 25 minutes of listening to him talk, the interviewer didn’t bang her head against the floor until her skull cracked. She made it through the whole interview and was able to ask Kanye about ~fashion~. Kanye thinks that the fashion industry discriminated against him and not because he strolled on in there thinking he was the reincarnation of Coco Chanel and designed overpriced clothes that look like zombie rags. Kanye was discriminated against because he doesn’t like dick like that.

“I feel like I got discriminated in fashion for not being gay. In music, you definitely get discriminated in music if you are gay. It takes amazing talents to break down barriers. Everyone thought that when Frank Ocean dropped that it was going to be bad for his career. I feel like it’s so cliché to speak about him as it relates to this subject, but there are people who broke the ground and he broke the ground. The people that break the stereotypes make history.”

Oh, how I wish I was a fly on a wall in Givenchy’s offices, because I really want to see the look on Riccardo Tisci’s face right about now…

Pic: Splash

How To Get A Selfie With Justin Bieber By Justin Bieber

September 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Melbourne, which really makes no sense to me. How did he get into Australia so easily? Johnny Depp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, are forcibly deported, but yet Justin Beiber is allowed in without being quarantined? Justin Bieber is more of a threat against the people of Australia than two foreign Yorkies are!

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T.I. Cutting All Business Ties With Iggy Azalea Is News To Her

September 17, 2015 / Posted by:

T.I. made it perfectly clear during a radio interview this morning that he and his one-time protégée Iggy Azalea are over in the professional sense. T.I. should’ve maybe dropped a trick a “see ya” text or maybe sent her a quick “bye bitch” DM. Because apparently, Iggy found out that her business relationship with T.I. is over when everybody else did. In the words of Iggy, “Well-a-well-a-well adfkljadslkfjdsaf-well-a-well-a-adsafdfdsffd-elp.” That’s Iggy freestyle for “welp.”

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All You Scientology Haters Can Go Eff Yourself, So Says Danny Masterson

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Danny Masterson is a born and bred Scientologist and he’s married to Scientologist Bijou Phillips (Side note: Thank you to the Dlisted commenter who once said, “Ugh, Bijou Phillips would fuck a snake,” a million years ago, because every time I type her name I think of her fucking a snake. A snake with Danny Masterson’s face and neckbeard), so of course he has strong feelings hating  on Scientology.

Paper Magazine talked to Hyde from That 70s Show at Sundance about Going Clear, the HBO documentary that EXPOSES some of the crazy and possibly criminal shit those crazies have done. Danny goes full Tom Cruise and made it perfectly clear that his body is empty of blood and only barley-flavored Kool-Aid runs through his veins, because ho doesn’t have one bad thing to say about Scientology. It’s as if L. Ron Hubbard’s ghost shoved his fist up Danny’s ass and moved his mouth while talking for him. Danny told Paper that Scientology is better than college, Scientologists don’t hate gay people (cut to John Travolta falling through a trap door into a dungeon after trying to bring up Grindr in the Scientology Centre) and how people suffering from mental illness don’t need meds when Scientology can fix them! Take it away, Danny!

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“GawD Puhneshed Mee Bi Mehking Mi FAT”

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”

Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?

If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.

If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)

Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.

Pics: Splash

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