Category: Shut Your Hole

“GawD Puhneshed Mee Bi Mehking Mi FAT”

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Just like many women do, botox-brained certified moron Kim Kartrashian gained some chunk while knocked up with her latest fashion accessory. But unlike most women, Kummy Kakes thinks that Godl tested her by drowning her hotness in fat. In Elle UK’s annual Adobe Appreciation Issue Confidence Issue, Kim injected a whole lot of confidence into every pregnant woman by saying that the weight she gained wasn’t a natural biological reaction to being fetus’d up. It was the lord above teaching her a lesson. Kim dribbled this out:

“I’d think God was doing this for a reason. He was saying: ‘Kim, you think you’re so hot, but look what I can do to you.’ My body just went crazy. After five months I swore I’d never get pregnant again. I got so huge and it felt like someone had taken over my body. I’d be sitting there, nearly 200lbs, crying and swearing this will never happen again, and sometimes I’d actually be laughing about it.”

Kim went on to say that while God might hate her, God, Buddha, Allah, Krishna and the other deities must really, really hate Rob, because have you seen him?

If Kim had a sense of humor, the fillers she injects into her face ate it a long time ago, so I don’t think she’s joking. This is what happens when you have Kanye in your ear.

If there is a God and they care about Kim for some reason, they wouldn’t punish her by putting pregnancy weight on her body. They’d punish her by making her Google loon balloon ass smaller, because then what would she oil up and stick out on the cover of Paper? If anything Kim and her family of soul suckers are God’s punishment against humanity for making fame whores more famous. And here I am kontributing to it. I will try to make it up to the gods above by reciting the lyrics to the Golden Girls theme song 100 times. (The GG theme song is my answer to Hail Mary.)

Here’s some pictures of Kim taking her rubber spatula face for a walk in NYC.

Pics: Splash

Will Everyone Stop Protesting, LeAnn Rimes Is Trying To Be Sexy Over Here!

December 4, 2014 / Posted by:

If you hated yourself enough to watch NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller last night, you probably wondered if it was the sweet nectar talking or did that gold Prometheus statue really roll his eyes during LeAnn Rimes’ performance. He did. Even he couldn’t take LeAnn Rimes trying to bring some “sexed up cabaret singer at a country club lounge” glamour during her performance.

The Squinting Chanteuse yodeled out the children’s Christmas song “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” (Side note: When LeAnn sings that song, “hippopotamus” is definitely a euphemism for something else) during the show and about 110 seconds into it, she opened up her coat and revealed her bootleg Madonna circa 1990 outfit. The pin-up Grinch went on to holler out more musical notes as she flashed her thigh highs and jiggled those chichis for the children. Sarah Palin might want to move the battle lines to LeAnn’s house, because this is definitely a declaration of war on Christmas:

That performance was probably a joy for LeAnn and LeAnn alone, but her joy was short-lived.

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Are You A Lady? Kirk Cameron Says You’ll Have A Merrier Christmas If You Spend It In The Kitchen

November 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Kirk Cameron, the talking dookie that came to life one day when Ned Flanders took a dump in an enchanted toilet, is currently pimping out his latest film Saving Christmas, which means that he’s super into the Christmas spirit right now. And recently, he uploaded a video to Facebook with some advice for women – sorry, “moms or wives” – on how to squeeze the maximum amount of joy out of your loved ones this holiday season. It’s super easy! All you need to do is lock yourself inside your house and turn it into a gingerbread-scented manger-blasted Christmas wonderland!

“If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you are the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember the joy of the mom is her children’s strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way you decorate your home this Christmas in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom.”

You hear that ladies? When your man has finished off the last of the donkey chow (there were no puppies in Bethlehem) and you can’t find the goddamn pickle forks for the gherkin nativity and Kaidyn just knocked over your 3-wick Bath & Body Works Winter Candy Apple candle, spilling hot wax all over your festive DIY 8lb 6oz Newborn Baby Jesus throw pillows, simply stop what you’re doing, take a deep breath, and sing-scream “JOOOOOOY TO THE WOOOOORLD” at the top of your lungs for all to hear. Let everyone share in your endless joy this Christmas!

And Just Like That, Millions Of Christians Decide To Convert To Atheism

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)

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Lindsay Lohan Personally Handled Whitney Houston’s Body Bag, So Says Lindsay Lohan (UPDATE)

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

UPDATE: The L.A. County Coroner’s Office tells TMZ that LieLo is lying. Whitney was never in a body bag and nobody from the probation department went near her body. So throw this one on the mountain of crack delusions from the mind of Lindsay Lohan.

It’s been a long time (read: like 5 minutes) since the freckled bag of delusion spit out a lie-stuffed crack rock and she’s really making up for lost lies by shitting out a big one.

When LiLo violated her probation in 2011 by drunk driving, she was sentenced to four months of community service in the L.A. County Morgue. They sent her to work in the morgue, because they wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving and because corpses lack this thing called “being alive” which means they can sort of stand being around her. While talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to get fired from, her time in the morgue was brought up and LiLo said that it was inappropriate for the courts to send her there. A lot of people actually agree with her, because dead people have been through enough. LiLo also made the spirit of Nippy slap the coke buzz out of her head by saying that she personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag. This bitch would name drop the names of dead people for attention:

The California courts had decided that her sentence for drink driving and violation of probation should include not only jail time but 12-hour shifts in a morgue. For four months, she worked from 4am to 4pm. It was, as she puts it, “F’d up and inappropriate – because a lot of other people were meant to do it, and they were like: ‘No, they can’t handle it. Lohan can.’ It’s different for me than it would be for other people – like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.”

I’m assuming that this mess means she just rolled a body bag and didn’t actually handle Whitney Houston’s body. If LiLo was allowed anywhere near Nippy’s body, we’d know it. First of all, she’d tweet selfies of her with Nippy’s dead body and TMZ would’ve thrown up a story about how Whitney Houston’s internal organs went missing and it seems like something or someone snorted all the blood out of her body.

To quote Whitney, “Lindsay, I wanna see the receipts!” LiLo probably can’t show us the receipts because the black kid’s got ‘em. So instead I’ll show the receipts that prove that LiLo is most likely doing what she does worst: LIE! Here’s pictures of LiLo with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and her brother in NYC on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston died 2,800 miles away in Beverly Hills, CA.

Pics: Splash

CeeLo Green Wet Farted Up Another Non-Apology After His Show On TBS Got Canceled

September 3, 2014 / Posted by:

One snot bubble of a non-apology wasn’t enough for CeeLo Green, so he snorted out a second snot bubble of a non-apology.

The chunky Ghoulie found himself neck deep in a whole lot of cold shit the other day when he told his Twitter followers that it’s not rape if the person is unconscious and doesn’t remember it happening. Those diarrhea-embedded tweets came out of CeeLo after he pleaded “no contest” to one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. The woman he drugged claims he also raped her, but he’s always denied that. The day after CeeLo schooled everyone on the definition of rape, TBS canceled his reality show The Good Life and a source claims that the cancellation has nothing to do with the smegma he spewed and they had already planned to throw his show in a grave before he said that shit. Sure they did.

After his show was killed, the diabolical bowling bowl once again went into damage control mode and tried to tweet another apology, but this “sorry, not sorry” pile of vomit came out instead:

ceelononapologyagain

Comments attributed to me on Twitter…” That’s a new one. Wait, is that CeeLo’s way of saying that he doesn’t remember tweeting that shit? Well then, those tweets never happened and let’s all move along. Because dumbasses who tweet stupid crap about rape REMEMBER.

CeeLo Green Doesn’t Know How Rape Works

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

A couple of years ago, a woman told police that while on a date with CeeLo Green, he allegedly snuck MDMA into her drink and after she passed out, he raped her. At the time, the long-lost twin of Pile of Chet from Weird Science admitted to “giving” the woman MDMA and having sex with her, but denied raping her. CeeLo was charged with drugging the woman, a felony, and the rape charge was dropped due to lack of evidence. CeeLo recently pleaded no contest” to the drugging charge and he was sentenced to probation and community service. CeeLo probably should’ve left it at that, but he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday on Twitter, CeeLo dribbled out an incoherent shit stream of words where he said that it’s only rape if the person is conscious. Satan, please come and get your child, because it’s too early in the week for dumbassery like this.

Before CeeLo hit the delete button on all of his tweets, Love B. Scott (via Buzzfeed) got screen shots of them. CeeLo tried to school his followers on the true meaning of “rape” by telling them that it’s not rape if the person who was raped doesn’t remember they were raped. What in “tree falling in a forest” HELL is this midget T-rex talking about? The tweets are after the cut. CAUTION: You will lose at least one brain cell while reading them.

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The Kanye West Deposition Konfessions, Take 2: Kanye Says The Paparazzi Are Worse Than The Nazis

August 7, 2014 / Posted by:

And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).

Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: ”I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:

“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”

Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:

“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”

I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:

“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her?  Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”

Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.

Another Day, Another Asshole Comparing Paparazzi Attention To Rape

July 6, 2014 / Posted by:

One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent

“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”

Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.

And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:

“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”

Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.

And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.

Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.

Pics: Splash

And Here’s That Video Of Justin Bieber Singing Out The N-Word And Joining The KKK

June 4, 2014 / Posted by:

So that video of the Canadian toddler demon joyfully yodeling out a “parody” of his song “One Less Lonely Girl” called “One Less Lonely Nigger” in front of a recording camera? No, The Sun didn’t pull it out of their asses. It exists and Justin Bieber’s temporary damage control headquarters TMZ posted it, because he wanted them to. Justin Bieber wanted to own up to it…. 5 years later…. and after The Sun posted a story about it… and someone tried to get money out of him for it.

In a scene that looks straight out of One Night with The David Duke Beaver Choir, a 15-year-old Justin Bieber yodels out the slur over and over again before singing about joining the Ku Klux Klan. The piss bucket in a hair helmet did it all in front of a recording camera, because he got his smarts from his brain-dead parents. Speaking of, a lady can be heard giggling in the background and I’m pretty sure it’s his mom. Hi, Pattie Mallette, A+++ parenting as always.

The Biebs’ people tell TMZ that years ago, he told his “mentorsUsher and Will Smith about the videos and told them he regretted spewing out all that racist fuckery. Usher showed the Biebs some historically racist videos to educate him and it obviously worked!

TMZ also says that two months ago, some dude who once worked on a Bieber video tried to sell the racist videos back to him. The dude wanted $1 million and later dropped his price to $500,000, but Bieber’s people farted him away, because they didn’t think the videos would do that much damage.

Here’s the video that the entire Bieber family “awwwws” at in unison while watching home videos on his born day:

It goes without saying, but Janelle Ambrosia Salad’s got a new favorite song to strip for cops to during her Saturday morning shift at the club.

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