One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent
“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”
Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.
And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.
And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.”
Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.
So that video of the Canadian toddler demon joyfully yodeling out a “parody” of his song “One Less Lonely Girl” called “One Less Lonely Nigger” in front of a recording camera? No, The Sun didn’t pull it out of their asses. It exists and Justin Bieber’s temporary damage control headquarters TMZ posted it, because he wanted them to. Justin Bieber wanted to own up to it…. 5 years later…. and after The Sun posted a story about it… and someone tried to get money out of him for it.
In a scene that looks straight out of One Night with The David Duke Beaver Choir, a 15-year-old Justin Bieber yodels out the slur over and over again before singing about joining the Ku Klux Klan. The piss bucket in a hair helmet did it all in front of a recording camera, because he got his smarts from his brain-dead parents. Speaking of, a lady can be heard giggling in the background and I’m pretty sure it’s his mom. Hi, Pattie Mallette, A+++ parenting as always.
The Biebs’ people tell TMZ that years ago, he told his “mentors” Usher and Will Smith about the videos and told them he regretted spewing out all that racist fuckery. Usher showed the Biebs some historically racist videos to educate him and it obviously worked!
TMZ also says that two months ago, some dude who once worked on a Bieber video tried to sell the racist videos back to him. The dude wanted $1 million and later dropped his price to $500,000, but Bieber’s people farted him away, because they didn’t think the videos would do that much damage.
Here’s the video that the entire Bieber family “awwwws” at in unison while watching home videos on his born day:
It goes without saying, but Janelle Ambrosia Salad’s got a new favorite song to strip for cops to during her Saturday morning shift at the club.
In “The Opposite Of Shocking” News, Justin Bieber Caught Mouth Farting Out A Racist Joke When He Was 15
Last night, The Sun posted of video for their paying customers of the corroded dingle clinging to Canada’s longest ass hair spewing out a dumb racist joke in front of a camera. This morning, TMZ also threw up the video and bragged that they’ve been sitting on it for 4 years, but since they’re the sheer definition of restraint, they didn’t post it, because that popped asshole wart was only 15 at the time and apparently told his friends he regretted telling that stupid ass joke. But thanks to The Sun, we can now watch the dried vomit nugget with a guinea pig combover dribble out a racial slur.
TMZ says that the clip below was shot when the Biebs was 15 during filming for his biopic documentary thing called Never Say Never (alternate title: So THIS Is What Happened To Rosemary’s Baby). Before the clip starts, the Biebs asks, “What’s the most confusing day for black people?” When the clips starts up, he says, “Father’s Day.” The Biebs mistakes the sound of crickets for the sound of non-stop laughter, so he decides to keep the laughs coming and tells another joke while a girl sitting next to him texts the words, “PLEASE KILL ME NOW,‘ to anybody who will listen. The Biebs asks, “Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?” and even though somebody in the room says, “Don’t say it,” he says, “Run-nigger-nigger-run...” A lady, who some say is his mom, pipes in after the punchline with, “You can say ‘motorcycle’ too.” So I guess Jesus hates abortions, but loves those racist jokes.
The Biebs hasn’t said shit about this yet, but it’s Sunday, so I’m sure he’s still sleeping off his sizzurp hangover while sucking on a pacifier in his crib. But Justin Bieber’s ex-bodyguard Kenny Hamilton, who’s black, said on Twitter that he is not a racist. The Beibs’ PR team shouldn’t even bother with a statement, because we all know it’s going to look something like this:
“I apologize to anyone who was offended by the video of me telling a distasteful joke when I was 15 years old. I was younger then, didn’t know any better and didn’t have a PR team to tell me not to say any racist jokes in front of a camera that’s recording. It was not my intention to hurt anyone. Some of my best friends are black. I am grown now and know not to say that word in front of a camera that’s recording. Besides, if I did say that word now, it’s okay, because I’ve been given a pass by the black community.”
And then that grown adult, will guzzle down the rest of the purple drank in his sippy cup, pull down his sagging leather culottes, take a dump in a barback’s bin, pull up his sagging leather culottes and jump on his Big Wheels to find a wall to graffiti on.
Those of you who have your pitchforks out in front of America’s bravest war hero Goopy Paltrow’s house for saying that reading mean comments about her on the Internet is like being a war, there’s been a change of plans. Type “from Goopy’s house to Charlize’s house” into your GPS and take your pitchforks to Charlize Theron’s house!
During an interview for A Million Ways To Die In The West with Sky News, the interviewer kind of set Charlize up when he said that he Googled her name before their interview and most of the stories that came up were about her personal life and not about her career. The interviewer said that the headlines felt “intrusive” to him. Charlize took the bait and ran with it and said that reading gossip about herself makes her feel like she’s been raped. Oh, Charlize, you gorgeous brain dead dumb fuck, take it away:
“I don’t [Google myself], so that’s my saving grace. I think it’s when you start living in that world and doing that, that you start, I guess, feeling raped. Well, you know, when it comes to your son and your private life, maybe that’s just me. Some people might relish in all of that stuff, but there are certain things in my life that I think of as very sacred and I’m very protective over them. That doesn’t mean that I always win that war, but as long as I don’t have to see that stuff or read that stuff or hear that stuff, then I can live with my head in a clear space. It’s probably a lot healthier than living in that little dark room.”
And she also compared gossip to WAR. BURN HER AT THE STAKE!
Publicists should really tell their clients that to be safe, if they’ve never been raped, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being raped. If they’ve never been in the holocaust, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to the holocaust. If they’ve never been in a war, they shouldn’t compare their stuff to being in a war. It’s easy. We all would’ve said, “aaaah, that makes sense,” if Charlize said that reading gossip about herself online is a lot like boning Sean Penn while sober during the daylight hours. It makes you feel sad and gross inside.
Here’s Charlize, her son and the Sean Penn (working the hobo Alfalfa look) at LAX last night.
Reading Bitchy Internet Comments About Yourself Is Like Being In A Bloody War, So Says Goopy Paltrow
Goopy Paltrow was asked to speak at the Re/code Code Conference in Ranchos Palos Verdes, CA yesterday, because she’s got a website, she’s famous and they knew her anus slit of a mouth would spew out some eye roll-worthy, ridiculous shit that would get them some attention. Goopy didn’t disappointment.
Goopy didn’t spend most of her time on the Code Conference stage bragging about how GOOP is an Internet savior for rich snobs who have searched high and higher (rich snobs don’t go low) for the perfect $800 supima cotton and cashmere tank top and have been looking for a 3,000 word post on how to politely tell the housekeeper on duty at a friend’s tea party that you left diarrhea sprays all over the powder room toilet seat because you’re in the middle of a 40-day macadamia water and jicama cleanse. Nope. Goopy spent a huge chunk of her time talking about jealous haters on the Internet. Forget war, disease, famine and Adam Sandler movies, the real problem in this world is anonymous bitches talking shit about rich, stupid celebrities!
“Celebrities, we’ve always gotten stones thrown at us and, you know, for good reason: We’re annoying. Some of us look okay, we look like we have money, our lives seem great. That may or may not be the case … Nevertheless, we get it. Or, at the very least, we expect that it’s part and parcel to what we do. Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off. It’s our human nature to feel that way, and to do it … Everybody takes shit, it’s just the way it is.”
Goopy goes on to say that all us whores talking shit on the Internet never get punished for talking shit. And in her head, you know she was picturing us getting dragged into the town square and flogged repeatedly with the stick she keeps up her ass while she cackles in delight.
“The lack of empathy that is created when people can anonymously opine about the looks or actions of others … It’s where we are in our culture. Yes, it does worry me, for the development of my kids and the next generation, that people can be so cruel without experiencing the consequences of being so cruel face to face.”
Goopy says that reading comments about herself from jealous haters is like ripping off the scabs from her high school wounds, but she knows that people are just projecting and the reason why she gets shit has nothing to do with the ridiculous shit that comes out of her mouth (yes, it does, bitch):
“Somebody has to know you for something to be about you. They can think it’s about you because you look a certain way or you’ve expressed an idea, but it can’t be, it’s not possible. You cannot be more than a representation of an internal object that person is carrying. … I’m just there, and people can throw up whatever is going on internally that you are triggering in them. It’s very Psych 101…the scabs from your high school wounds being ripped off on a daily basis.”
Before Goopy said that we must look at ourselves when we spit out hateful shit about strangers on the Internet, she compared reading mean comments to being in a war:
“You come across [online comments] about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing. It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”
She’s right. Goopy truly has been through so much. Nobody has suffered as much as she has! People dodging bullets and being bombed during a war is just like her opening up her $3,000 MacBook Air in her air conditioned luxury office and reading a mean ass comment about herself. Her bravery is truly commendable. The government should change the name of Veteran’s Day to Goopy’s Day, because she is the veteran of all veterans. I would say that she should be awarded the Purple Heart for all the courage she’s shown, but we all know that bitch doesn’t wear a jewelry that isn’t imported from Europe and doesn’t cost at least $200,000.
I hope foraged berries and squirrel saliva can properly kill hoof parasites or else the poor soul behind Shailene Woodley during pre-dawn forest meditation/yoga class is not going to appreciate having her hookworm sores shoved into their face while they’re both doing the Warrior III pose.
Seen above walking barefoot on the dirty, nasty sidewalks of NYC after the Met Gala, the moonchild Jennifer Lawrence and noted non-feminist is still out there mouth shitting all sorts of foolery. In that Fault in Our Stars movie, Ansel Elgort plays Shailene’s piece and in that Divergent movie he plays her brother. The Hollywood Reporter says that during a Q&A after a screening of Fault in Our Stars, the Diva Cup-wearing, bark-chewing soul child of the sun joked that it wasn’t that hard kissing a dude who’s played her brother before, because she’s thought about what it would be like to Angelina Jolie her own brother.
“It wasn’t that weird because I’ve always sort of wondered what it’d be like kissing my brother,” she joked at first — to which Nat Wolff said, “That’s the best answer ever!”
Sure, sure, we can say that Shailene was joking, but this bitch has said a lot of jacked-up shit she wasn’t joking about. Shailene has said that she’s not a feminist, because she loves men and that letting the sun’s rays finger fuck your cooch is only a good thing. She wasn’t joking when she said any of that. Bitch is crazy. So Shailene’s brother is probably going to protect his mouth by smearing processed sugar and preservatives all over his lips whenever he sees her, because he’s not about to be one-half of the Godspell version of St. Angie and James Haven.
Shailene was also on Letterman last night where she once again talked about how much she loves eating clay. If she could, she’d eat clay all the time. She’d always have clay on her tongue. She can’t get enough of clay. Surprisingly, Clay isn’t her brother’s name.
America’s Surgeon General (in her air-filled head) and Kristin Cavallari’s anti-vaxxing hero Jenny McCarthy has shat up book after book about how her son Evan got autism from vaccines and she “healed” his autism with a gluten-free diet or whatever. If you need to be reminded about the anti-vaccine fuckery that has spilled out of the talking anus slit on Jenny’s face, here’s what she said to CNN a few years ago:
“People are also dying from vaccinations. Evan, my son, died in front of me for two minutes. You ask any mother in the autism community if we’ll take the flu, the measles, over autism and day of the week. I think they need to wake up and stop hurting our kids.”
But now, Jenny has jumped on her damage control bike and is back peddaling in an op-ed piece for The Chicago-Sun Times. Jenny still believes that doctors shot her son up with autism, but she writes that she’s never hissed at vaccines the way all of us hiss at her when she opens up her mouth. Jenny writes that she sits in the “gray zone” and she’s not totally against vaccines:
I am not “anti-vaccine.” This is not a change in my stance nor is it a new position that I have recently adopted. For years, I have repeatedly stated that I am, in fact, “pro-vaccine” and for years I have been wrongly branded as “anti-vaccine.”
My beautiful son, Evan, inspired this mother to question the “one size fits all” philosophy of the recommended vaccine schedule. I embarked on this quest not only for myself and my family, but for countless parents who shared my desire for knowledge that could lead to options and alternate schedules, but never to eliminate the vaccines.
She went on to spit out something that proves my scientific theory that massive amounts of Botox can eat the memory chip in a ho’s brain:
This is what I believe:
I believe in the importance of a vaccine program and I believe parents have the right to choose one poke per visit. I’ve never told anyone to not vaccinate. Should a child with the flu receive six vaccines in one doctor visit? Should a child with a compromised immune system be treated the same way as a robust, healthy child? Shouldn’t a child with a family history of vaccine reactions have a different plan? Or at least the right to ask questions?
I will continue to say what I have always said: “One size does not fit all.” God help us all if gray is no longer an option.
Translation: “Rolling with the anti-vaxxers was fucking with my money.”
So for years, Dr. FakeTits McAntiVax here has been screaming about how vaccines are the devil’s jizz and now she’s suddenly anti-vax lite. Okay, bitch. But Jenny better watch it, because if she then writes an op-ed piece about how she doesn’t think vaccines gave her kid autism, she’s totally going to get fired from The View. Because The View wants nothing to do with women who don’t spit out batshit craziness.
Here’s Jenny peddling some canned drink in NYC the other day.
Nervous giggling is pretty much what came out of the chapped whine hole on Kanye West’s face when Charlamagne Tha God spit truth bomb after truth bomb at him during an interview The Breakfast Club a few months ago. Charlamagne stamped the word “HYPOCRITE” on Kanye’s forehead and told him that the video for “Bound 2” was like wet shit splattered on a green screen. Kanye didn’t even look at Charlamagne and when he wasn’t giggling nervously, he kind of spoke calmly for once and didn’t shout out a rant. Kanye did what forest rangers tell you to do when you come across a rabid Khloe Kardashian in the wild. You don’t make eye contact and you don’t make any sudden moves. But I guess Charlamagne wasn’t at Kuntye’s show in University Park, PA last night. Because Kanye suddenly had something to say and screamed so loud that he burnt the tips of Kendall Jenner’s nips in NYC.
While dressed like the member of the most annoying cult ever (or like a chorus member in a low-budget community theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar), Riccardo Tisci’s special Valentine punched the pause button on his performance of “Touch The Sky” to bust out another toddler tantrum that Justin Bieber’s au pair usually hears when she forgets to pour the codeine in his SpongeBob sippy cup full of Fanta.
Today is not the day, so I’m not going to transcribe all the shit nuggets of rage that shot out of Kanye’s mouth, but here’s a few quotes. I did them ALL-CAPS-style, because it’s the only way.
IF I GO TO A RADIO INTERVIEW SHUT THE FUCK UP!
IF YOU’RE ON YOUR TALK SHOW AT NIGHTTIME SHOWING A PICTURE OF ME WALKING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WE THINKING ABOUT SHAKESPEARE! WE THINKING ABOUT BEY-TOE-VEN!
2013! SPOOFING AND TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT WHAT WE DO! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THE PAST 10 YEARS OF YOUR PAST MOTHERFUCKING LIFE? CHARLAMAGNE! SWAY! THE FUCK YOU DID?
I AM YEEEEEEEZUS!
When the crowd starting chanting “Yeezus” (which still sounds like a cutesy named you’d give your yeast infection), it was like watching a sermon at a fucked up cult. Pass me the donation basket, because I’d like to drop a clue and a tranquilizer disguised as a Skittle in there. But I guess all those people got what they paid for. When you go to a Kanye show, you expect to see him dressed like a citizen of Tatooine and you really expect him to split your last nerve with his screaming.
I bet every poor dog wearing a shock collar within a ten mile radius of that show hates Kanye a little something extra today, because when he started screaming like an extra mad Cartman, they got zapped to hell and back.
Kirk Cameron Calls The Grammy Mass Wedding An “All Out Assault On Traditional Family,” Wants You To Buy His Shitty Movie
I wasn’t completely sure how to feel about the Grammys. Did I love it? Did I hate it? Was I “meh” about the whole circle jerkiness of it all? But now that Kirk Cameron has spoken, I know how to feel. I loved all 10 hours of it! Because if it makes Kirk Cameron seethe and clench his evangelical b-hole while covering his children’s innocent Christian eyes, then it only can be right!
I know this is a shocking turn of events, but the loneliest loner at his conference room birthday party wasn’t waving a rainbow flag while singing along to “Same Love/Open Your Heart” as Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Mary Lambert and Boss Hogg on internet-bought estrogen performed in front of 33 gay, lesbian and straight couples who just got married. Kirk considered the mass wedding as a direct assault on “traditional families.” You know, kind of like how some of us consider Kirk Cameron’s entire existence as a direct assault on humanity. Kirk scooted his ass over to Facebook to scream about how the Grammy fired a shot directly into the crotch of the “traditional family” and he’s ready to fight…. and then he also used the time to whore out his latest assault on TV screens: his piece of shit family-friendly movie.
You know Kirk’s b-hole got the drips when he typed “thick and dark.”
I believe Kirk when he says that Fireproof saved marriages and brought couples closer together. Because when they watched it together, they bonded over their mutual hate of that shitty puddle of trash. I’m sure Mercy Rule will do the same thing for families! Kirk is wrong about the Grammys assaulting the “traditional family,” though. I know many “traditional families” and some of them fucked themselves up on their own long before Macklemore’s Grammy performance.
Kirk can go and eat a foot-long Subway sub full of anuses, but I will agree with him about one thing. Lines were drawn thick and dark at the Grammys:
And it was stunning.
Brandi Glanville knows that her relevancy is powered by the dumb shit foolery that comes out of her mouth and the more shocking the verbal dingles that come out of her mouth are, the more attention she’ll get. So Brandi decided to really go for it and turn the fuckery switch all the way up. On her podcast Brandi Glanville Unfiltered (via Radar), the melting wax puppet joked about how she wishes she was child touched when she was a little girl. (Woody Allen, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile all just “liked” the Brandi Glanville Facebook fan page.)
Brandi had comedians Don Jamieson and Jim Florentine on her podcast show and I guess Jim regularly jokes about molestation and how a pedo tried to touch him when he was 14. The mother of two little boys, who isn’t a comedian, decided to get into the child abuse jokes game and said that she was sad when a pedo principal molested her sister and not her. Err…..
Brandi: I was actually stalking you online, Jim, and we have something in common. Yeah, I too wanted to be molested by a child and wanted to be passed up.
Jim: Really? What happened? I was an altar boy, so…
Brandi: Well, I was in Lutheran school, so…
Jim: But they didn’t really go after the girls too much, though.
Brandi: They did! My sister got felt up.
Brandi: By a principal. But nothing from me. He didn’t look at me sideways.
Don: Did you feel hurt by that?
Brandi: Yeah. Now looking back, I’m super-bummed. I was thinking, “All this and nothing?” Super-hot and they passed me up!
After Brandi got shit for that shit, she tweeted this, which really doesn’t explain anything:
I was interviewing stand up comedians for my podcast! . Had to go through their stand up routines to know what 2 talk about!
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) January 16, 2014
And since LeAnn Rimes always has to up a bitch, expect her to quit her yodeling job to become a full-time altar boy in a Catholic church.
UPDATE: Brandi is sowwy if she offended you.
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) January 16, 2014