Nervous giggling is pretty much what came out of the chapped whine hole on Kanye West’s face when Charlamagne Tha God spit truth bomb after truth bomb at him during an interview The Breakfast Club a few months ago. Charlamagne stamped the word “HYPOCRITE” on Kanye’s forehead and told him that the video for “Bound 2” was like wet shit splattered on a green screen. Kanye didn’t even look at Charlamagne and when he wasn’t giggling nervously, he kind of spoke calmly for once and didn’t shout out a rant. Kanye did what forest rangers tell you to do when you come across a rabid Khloe Kardashian in the wild. You don’t make eye contact and you don’t make any sudden moves. But I guess Charlamagne wasn’t at Kuntye’s show in University Park, PA last night. Because Kanye suddenly had something to say and screamed so loud that he burnt the tips of Kendall Jenner’s nips in NYC.
While dressed like the member of the most annoying cult ever (or like a chorus member in a low-budget community theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar), Riccardo Tisci’s special Valentine punched the pause button on his performance of “Touch The Sky” to bust out another toddler tantrum that Justin Bieber’s au pair usually hears when she forgets to pour the codeine in his SpongeBob sippy cup full of Fanta.
Today is not the day, so I’m not going to transcribe all the shit nuggets of rage that shot out of Kanye’s mouth, but here’s a few quotes. I did them ALL-CAPS-style, because it’s the only way.
IF I GO TO A RADIO INTERVIEW SHUT THE FUCK UP!
IF YOU’RE ON YOUR TALK SHOW AT NIGHTTIME SHOWING A PICTURE OF ME WALKING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WE THINKING ABOUT SHAKESPEARE! WE THINKING ABOUT BEY-TOE-VEN!
2013! SPOOFING AND TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT WHAT WE DO! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THE PAST 10 YEARS OF YOUR PAST MOTHERFUCKING LIFE? CHARLAMAGNE! SWAY! THE FUCK YOU DID?
I AM YEEEEEEEZUS!
When the crowd starting chanting “Yeezus” (which still sounds like a cutesy named you’d give your yeast infection), it was like watching a sermon at a fucked up cult. Pass me the donation basket, because I’d like to drop a clue and a tranquilizer disguised as a Skittle in there. But I guess all those people got what they paid for. When you go to a Kanye show, you expect to see him dressed like a citizen of Tatooine and you really expect him to split your last nerve with his screaming.
I bet every poor dog wearing a shock collar within a ten mile radius of that show hates Kanye a little something extra today, because when he started screaming like an extra mad Cartman, they got zapped to hell and back.
Kirk Cameron Calls The Grammy Mass Wedding An “All Out Assault On Traditional Family,” Wants You To Buy His Shitty Movie
I wasn’t completely sure how to feel about the Grammys. Did I love it? Did I hate it? Was I “meh” about the whole circle jerkiness of it all? But now that Kirk Cameron has spoken, I know how to feel. I loved all 10 hours of it! Because if it makes Kirk Cameron seethe and clench his evangelical b-hole while covering his children’s innocent Christian eyes, then it only can be right!
I know this is a shocking turn of events, but the loneliest loner at his conference room birthday party wasn’t waving a rainbow flag while singing along to “Same Love/Open Your Heart” as Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Mary Lambert and Boss Hogg on internet-bought estrogen performed in front of 33 gay, lesbian and straight couples who just got married. Kirk considered the mass wedding as a direct assault on “traditional families.” You know, kind of like how some of us consider Kirk Cameron’s entire existence as a direct assault on humanity. Kirk scooted his ass over to Facebook to scream about how the Grammy fired a shot directly into the crotch of the “traditional family” and he’s ready to fight…. and then he also used the time to whore out his latest assault on TV screens: his piece of shit family-friendly movie.
You know Kirk’s b-hole got the drips when he typed “thick and dark.”
I believe Kirk when he says that Fireproof saved marriages and brought couples closer together. Because when they watched it together, they bonded over their mutual hate of that shitty puddle of trash. I’m sure Mercy Rule will do the same thing for families! Kirk is wrong about the Grammys assaulting the “traditional family,” though. I know many “traditional families” and some of them fucked themselves up on their own long before Macklemore’s Grammy performance.
Kirk can go and eat a foot-long Subway sub full of anuses, but I will agree with him about one thing. Lines were drawn thick and dark at the Grammys:
And it was stunning.
Brandi Glanville knows that her relevancy is powered by the dumb shit foolery that comes out of her mouth and the more shocking the verbal dingles that come out of her mouth are, the more attention she’ll get. So Brandi decided to really go for it and turn the fuckery switch all the way up. On her podcast Brandi Glanville Unfiltered (via Radar), the melting wax puppet joked about how she wishes she was child touched when she was a little girl. (Woody Allen, Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile all just “liked” the Brandi Glanville Facebook fan page.)
Brandi had comedians Don Jamieson and Jim Florentine on her podcast show and I guess Jim regularly jokes about molestation and how a pedo tried to touch him when he was 14. The mother of two little boys, who isn’t a comedian, decided to get into the child abuse jokes game and said that she was sad when a pedo principal molested her sister and not her. Err…..
Brandi: I was actually stalking you online, Jim, and we have something in common. Yeah, I too wanted to be molested by a child and wanted to be passed up.
Jim: Really? What happened? I was an altar boy, so…
Brandi: Well, I was in Lutheran school, so…
Jim: But they didn’t really go after the girls too much, though.
Brandi: They did! My sister got felt up.
Brandi: By a principal. But nothing from me. He didn’t look at me sideways.
Don: Did you feel hurt by that?
Brandi: Yeah. Now looking back, I’m super-bummed. I was thinking, “All this and nothing?” Super-hot and they passed me up!
After Brandi got shit for that shit, she tweeted this, which really doesn’t explain anything:
I was interviewing stand up comedians for my podcast! . Had to go through their stand up routines to know what 2 talk about!
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) January 16, 2014
And since LeAnn Rimes always has to up a bitch, expect her to quit her yodeling job to become a full-time altar boy in a Catholic church.
UPDATE: Brandi is sowwy if she offended you.
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) January 16, 2014
A flood of hot, wet, sticky DUHs hit my face today when I read the apology that Dennis Rodman shat out for freaking out on Chris Cuomo during an interview with CNN on Tuesday. The future Mrs. Kim Jong Un exploded into a tornado of douche water and incoherentness when Chris Cuomo asked him if he was going to bring up Kenneth Bae with his North Korean BFF. In a statement released through his publicist (who obviously wrote it for him), Dennis apologizes to Kenneth Bae’s family and says that he was drunk and dealing with a shit load of stress. Another proud graduate of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab….
“I want to first apologize to Kenneth Bae’s family. I want to apologize to my teammates and my management team. I also want to apologize to Chris Cuomo. I embarrassed a lot of people. I’m very sorry. At this point I should know better than to make political statements. I’m truly sorry. Some of my teammates were leaving because of pressure from their families and business associates. [My dream of] basketball diplomacy was quickly falling apart. I had been drinking. It’s not an excuse but by the time the interview happened I was upset. I was overwhelmed.”
Is Dennis Rodman still in North Korea? If he is, then things are going to be awkward between him and his best bitch Kim Jong Un during their final candlelit, champagne dinner together. Kim Jong Un isn’t going to be happy that his homegirl is apologizing to the family of one of his prisoners. It’ll be like that episode of The Bachelor when one of the Bachelor’s final hos nervously waits to see if he’s going to invite her to the Fantasy Suite or not. Except, Dennis is going to nervously sit there waiting to see if Kim Jong Un is going to send him to a prison camp or not. No. Never. They’re going to cuddle and watch Safe Haven instead.
(Pic via AP)
A couple of days ago, Radar “exclusively” reported that melting plastic shit puppet and noted autism curer Jenny McCarthy supposedly told Time Magazine that her son Evan never had autism to begin with and she no longer thinks that vaccines are devil’s blood. I let out an “eh” when I skimmed through that post, because Jenny has gotten a fuck load of attention for saying that vaccines gave her kid autism and that a gluten-free diet put his autism in recovery mode, so it wouldn’t be surprising if that filler-filled fame whore was trying to get more attention by saying he was never autistic after all. But those words never fell out of the lipstick-covered diarrhea hole on Jenny’s face. Radar has since pulled that article down and Jenny went on Twatter yesterday to say that she did talk to Time Magazine about her son, but that was 3 years ago and she never said he wasn’t autistic.
Stories circulating online, claiming that I said my son Evan may not have autism after all, are blatantly inaccurate and completely ridiculous. Evan was diagnosed with autism by the Autism Evaluation Clinic at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital and was confirmed by the State of California (through their Regional Center). The implication that I have changed my position, that my child was not initially diagnosed with autism (and instead may suffer from Landau-Kleffner Syndrome), is both irresponsible and inaccurate. These stories cite a “new” Time Magazine interview with me, which was actually published in 2010, that never contained any such statements by me. Continued misrepresentations, such as these, only serve to open wounds of the many families who are courageously dealing with this disorder. Please know that I am taking every legal measure necessary to set this straight.
So, Jenny McCarthy is slapping down a ho for spitting out irresponsible and inaccurate shit? I know, Pot, I mean, Jenny, it’s absolutely terrible when dumb fucks spit out irresponsible and inaccurate information.
And I think now is a good time to relive this classic Jenny McCarthy interview:
Of course, I really mean the opposite of that headline. And that picture, Eve and Holly Hunter must’ve really fallen hard if they’re hanging around with that asshole.
So, for reasons I’ll never understand, Jon Gosselin was allowed to leave the woods and he’ll be smearing your TV screens with his douche nectar once again in Vh1′s Couples Therapy. To promote that wet turd of a reality show, Jon talked to Philadelphia Magazine (via HuffPo) and of course he used his time with them to spit poetic words of hate about his ex-wife, the leader of his child army and overall insufferable bitch Kate Gosselin. Jon called Kate out for being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who wants to be on TV, and it’s amazing that he didn’t overdose on irony and hypocriticalness since he said this while being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who is promoting some shitty TV show he’s on. Jon shat this pile of butt nuggets up:
“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.
She tweets everything. To the world, all about my children. I think it’s disgusting and awful. They can’t even have a normal life.”
It’s kind of sad that these two didn’t work out. They belong together. He’s a dried up period berry clinging to a used tampon at the bottom of a dirty, plastic trash can in the bathroom of a roadside motel and so she is. I bet that sometimes when Kate drops all thirty million of those kids off at Jon’s cabin for the day, he and she go off into the woods somewhere and hate fuck like old times. Now the police know why they sometimes get calls from people who hear what they think is a grizzly bear attacking a screeching possum.
The big bag of French-Canadian crazy who was accused of stalking Alec Baldwin after a one-night-fuck with him was found guilty today and sentenced to six months in jail plus another 30 days for acting a loud mess in court. The judge told 41-year-old actress Genevieve Sabourin that she is going to Rikers, because anybody that is crazy enough to stalk Alec Baldwin’s equally-as-crazy ass deserves to be locked up. No, he didn’t tell her that, but he should’ve, because the definition of shame is going to jail for stalking current day Alec Baldwin.
The NYDN says that the judge slapped Genevieve down when he told her that she showed zero respect during the trial and continually harassed Alec for two years after he told her to leave him alone and regularly called the cops on her. After the judge let her know that she’ll spend the next seven months simmering with the sad, tragic fact that she’s in jail for stalking Alec Baldwin, she didn’t apologize and declared her innocence again.
“I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m innocent, so that’s what I have to say. You’re doing a mistake right now.”
Alec Baldwin celebrated the verdict by doing something he does every day: throw verbal shit bombs at the paparazzi.
TMZ has a video of the grumpy human fart in wayfarers chasing after a pap for getting too close to his wife and kid. When the pap gets away, the self-proclaimed non-homophobe walks back to his car and mumbles out “cocksucking fag.”
I guess “cocksucking fag” is the new “toxic little queen” which was the new “goat-footed wheezy old queen.”
This is just Alec Baldwin being the fart-brained piece of dumb grizzled trash that he is. Since when is “cocksucking fag” an insult? He says that like it’s a bad thing. It’s a beautiful thing. Now, calling someone a “non-cocksucking fag” is an insult, because you should never trust a gay guy who doesn’t suck cock.
UPDATE: Alec is crying on Twitter that he didn’t say “fag,” he said “fathead.” Yeah, okay.
If @TMZ asserts that I used an anti-gay epithet, I will sue them.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
Acoustic analysis proves the word is fathead. Fathead.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
Marky Mark Will Remove You From His Christmas Card List If You’re An Actor Who Compares Himself To A Soldier
What is it about Mark Wahlberg that makes him react to everything like an angry Red Sox fan who’s deep into his 6th beer? He could be dressed in an Armani tuxedo walking the red carpet at the Academy Awards, someone could walk by and accidentally bump him, and in 0.2 seconds he’d have his tie off and given his hotdog to his girlfriend to hold before yelling ‘Yah betta call yah motha and tell her to pick out a casket for yah funeral, buddy, cause yah dead! Yah so fackin dead.’
According to TMZ, Mahky Mahk took an indirect shot at Scientology’s Homecoming Queen, Tom Cruise (did I even need to write his name?) when he spoke candidly about how he feels when actors compare themselves to soldiers (I’ll give $1000 to whichever one of you is able to read this in a regular dialect and not a thick Southie accent):
Wahlberg was speaking at the AFI Festival in L.A., when he was asked about the story TMZ broke about Tom Cruise saying in a deposition that his job was like fighting in Afghanistan. Wahlberg unloaded, saying “For somebody to sit there and say ‘my job was as difficult as being in the military.’ How f**king dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for 2 hours.”
Wahlberg didn’t stop there. He said, “I don’t give a shit if you get your ass busted. You get to go home at the end of the day. You get to go to your hotel room. You get to order your f**king chicken.”
Order your fucking chicken? I’m sure Marky Mark is using the word fuck as an adjective, but it’s more fun to pretend he’s referring to a chicken that one fucks. You hear that Tommy Boy? Go back to your hotel room and stick your dick in a chicken.
I get what Poppa Funky Bunch is saying. When you’re an adult man who’s job is basically to play pretend for millions of dollars, it’s pretty bold to compare what you do to a bunch of dudes who are sweating their balls off in a tent in the desert. But this is Tom Cruise we’re talking about! He’s practically a whole chapter in your therapists reference guide to self-absorbed delusion. You can’t take what he says seriously. Hmmm, sounds like someone else we know. I’m not going to name names, but wasn’t there was an actor who’s said he could have prevented 9/11 by getting all Sergeant First Class Troy Barlow on a terrorist? Exactly.
(Pic via Wenn)
The gold-encrusted moist butt sex raisins from Tom Cruise’s deposition in his $50 million lawsuit against Bauer Media just keep on coming. Tommy’s mad at those lying whores for saying he “abandoned” the former chosen child of Scientology, Suri Cruise, in a June 2012 cover story for InTouch. Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy all kinds of questions about his job and are trying to prove that InTouch’s story wasn’t filled with more fairy tales than any given chapter in Dianetics. Tommy admitted that after Katie Holmes ripped up their marriage certificate and fed it to John Travolta’s hungry hungry b-hole, he didn’t see Suri for 100 days. Tommy said that he was busy filming and just couldn’t get away even though he can make a private jet appear just by snapping his fingers.
According to TMZ, Tommy said that in the past four years, he’s only put his ass on a commercial flight once and it was because he had no choice. Tommy also said that he doesn’t always need to see Suri in person, because he’s such a wonderful storyteller that all the stories he tells her over the phone are so vivid that they come to life. Tommy’s voice is like liquid acid for your brain. That crazy fucking bitch. But you know, I kind of see what he’s saying, because if he fed wonderful stories about L. Ron Hubbard into my ear, I’d envision a vivid intergalactic volcano and it would look so real that I’d want to throw myself into it.
Tommy also tried to make his job seem so demanding and so important by comparing it to fighting in Afghanistan and competing in the Olympics. It’s official. Thetans have entered Tommy Girl’s asshole, crawled up to his head and have nibbled whatever is left of his brains. The insane foolery via TMZ
Tom says his location shoots are just like serving a tour in Afghanistan, “That’s what it feels like. And certainly on this last movie, it was brutal. It was brutal.”
As for his physical training, Tom said, “There is difficult physical stamina and preparation. Sometimes I’ve spent months, a year, and sometimes two years preparing for a single film.” But the kicker, he adds, “A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I’m shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day.”
Tommy is so right. Acting in some action movie is just like fighting for your country. Everybody knows that every troop has a body double to do all the shooting and fighting stuff for them. After about an hour or two of fake battling with extras, each troop goes back to their multi-million dollar, air-conditioned trailer and as one of their assistant feeds them cuisine flown in from Italy, a massage therapist massages their sphincter and then another assistant reads them an e-mail their daughter sent them so they can say they spent time with her. Then each troop gets their hair and make-up touched up and as they walk back to the battle ground, one assistant spritzes them with Evian as another one holds up a fan to keep them cool in the one million degree heat. And after a day of fake fighting, a helicopter takes them back to their 5-star luxury hotel. Yes, being a millionaire movie star is just like facing death every single day!
I swear, if you put an E-meter can in Tommy’s hand and asked him if he knows how full of shit he is, the E-meter can would explode as soon as he spit out the N in NO. If you dropped Tommy’s ass in Afghanistan, the first thing he’d say is, “Where’s the Escalade that’ll take me to the Four Seasons?”
But Tommy’s lawyer told People that TMZ distorted his words. Here’s the new definition of “backtracking“:
“The assertions that Tom Cruise likened making a movie to being at war in Afghanistan is a gross distortion of the record. What Tom said, laughingly, was that sometimes, ‘That’s what it feels like.’ As the video shows, he and the lawyer were laughing at his answer, and, when asked in the next question if the situations were comparable, Tom said, ‘Oh, come on,’ meaning of course not.’”
Tommy went on to say, “…of course not. My job is WAY harder. I mean, one time I had to fly commercial to a shooting location. Can you imagine? Guh-ross, right?“
In Tori Spelling’s latest memwhys (at book number six I can’t even call it her “memoirs” anymore), she offers up yet another little tidbit out of the “Bitch, who asked you?” pile, saying when she posed for US Weekly after having her fourth baby, she lied about how she lost the weight.
‘For several months, I couldn’t really exercise,’ she writes. ‘There were a couple reasons. First, there was some risk that my scar would open up again. I was terrified of that.
‘Second, I really don’t exercise much, period. So I took my weight the old-fashioned way. I like to call it the Just Keep Your Fucking Mouth Shut and Eat Air diet. It’s all the rage.’
However, when Tori took part in a bikini shoot with Us Weekly magazine, she told them she lost weight through swimming. ‘My publicist had given me clear instructions about what to say about my weight loss,’ she explains.
We can all agree that nobody would mind if Tori took the Just Keep Your Fucking Mouth Shut diet and applied to every other aspect of her life, but that doesn’t pay for a husband’s dicksnip surgery, their lavish sham of a lifestyle or whatever harness she has to wear to keep her whackassed boob job from completely collapsing in on itself. C-sections are no joke and the recovery can be hard, but why lie in the first place? Oh, that’s right- if she half-truths everything as she goes along, she’ll have enough fodder for her 486th book to set the record straight and maybe make enough off sales to send her kids to Pasadena Community College.