Category: Show Me The Receipts

The Little Monsters Are Sucking Craigslist Peen To Meet Their Mother Monster

August 15, 2013 / Posted by:

I’ve heard of fucking for tracks, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of sucking to get someone else’s track to the top.

Lady CaCa announced on Twitter the other day that a lucky Little Monster will be her guest to the iTunes Festival in London and all her crazy ass fans have to do is tweet her a screenshot of proof that they bought her new single “Applause” on iTunes. CaCa then made her Little Monsters sell their entire lives by telling them that they’ll have a bigger chance at winning her shameless contest if they buy several copies of her single. Obviously, that bitch is trying to get “Applause” to #1.

Since Lady CaCa’s Little Monsters are nuts, I’m sure some of them have sold their baby brothers and sisters in Walmart parkings lots, ended up in a tub of ice after selling some of their internal organs on the black market and have taken out a second mortgage on their parents’ house to buy as many copies of “Applause” as possible. And as Canada.com points out, some Little Monsters are selling their mouths on Craigslist for an iTunes receipt. Those ads are probably fake, but I honestly wouldn’t put it past those Little Monsters. They’ll suck dick to get “Applause” to the top and they don’t even care if they get THE CLAP. Sucio sluts. But you know, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’ve sucked peen for a lot less than $1.29.

And I do love that the Little Monster who left that Craigslist ad above offered up a recession special for those who can’t afford a $1.29 blow job IN THIS ECONOMY. Here’s another “suck 4 Applause” ad:

gagablowjobcraigslist

 

The Little Monsters’ suck-a-thon is totally working and by “totally working” I mean not working at all. “Applause” is #3 below “Blurred Lines” and “Roar” on iTunes. But keep sucking, Little Monsters!

And here’s Lady CaCa leaving Chateau Marmont today while looking like she just sucked off all the Care Bears for iTunes receipts.

Pics: Wenn.com

As Jon Hamm And His Hammcock console each other….

November 14, 2012 / Posted by:

Just a little over a week after America voted Obama in for another four years, we now know the results to an even more important contest: Channing Tatum IS the Sexiest Man ALIVE! Surprise, surprise. I guess this is People’s way of telling us that all the other white men died.

The big difference between last week’s contest and this week’s contest, besides this one being more important, of course, is that those dictators at People Magazine didn’t even let us vote, really. They didn’t even take our thoughts (or genitals) into consideration. Whoever’s publicist offered up the biggest promise got the title. That title is bought! (“Um, so is the title of President, Michael” – my Republican auntie at Thanksgiving dinner as I try to suffocate myself on a canned cranberry log)

To me, Channing Tatum looks like a stale loaf of Wonder Bread, but he’s a stale loaf of Wonder Bread who can really twerk his crust off to Pony, he’s everywhere and he seems nice. Channing looks like a caveman, but he’s the kind of caveman who’d wink at you before he clubs you over the skull and drags you off to his man cave. Channing tells People that he told his wife about his new title while the two pinched their dogs’ anal glands in the tub:

“My first thought was, ‘Y’all are messing with me,'” says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. “I told Jenna after we’d been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they’d gotten skunked.”

Says the actor: “She was like, ‘What?'”

“Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now,” he adds. And who can blame her?

The only way I’d completely agree with that cover is if Carrot Top was the star of it, but I still love what People did there. When I first saw it this morning, I read the words “The Women Inside The Petraeus Scandal” and then looked at that picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was so right. I mean, the Biebs is a threat to security.

Is Donald Trump’s Big “Obama Bombshell” That The President Was Once A Cokehead?

October 23, 2012 / Posted by:

The mutant testicle that was once attached to The Gingerbread Man’s crotch said on Fox & Friends the other day that he will drop a huge October Surprise on Wednesday that may change the election and screw with Obama. Melania Trump is also bracing herself for a different kind of October Surprise, because the only time Donald Trump actually cums is when he thinks he’s got some dirt on Obama.

Everyone figured that Trump was just going to squat out another empty fart about Obama’s birth certificate, but Radar thinks it’s something else. Radar says that some dude approached people close to Romney’s campaign and offered them information from Obama’s college days. The dude claims to have known Obama in college and says that back then the president closely studied foreign relations by snorting the Colombian good shit. The dude also claims that Obama sold cocaine. I guess you gotta pay off those student loans somehow.

The Romney campaign shooed the dude away, because they didn’t want that information coming from them. The dude is willing to take a polygraph, but so far nobody is interested in his story. Radar’s source explained it like this:

“At first he wanted to do a book. But there just wasn’t enough time before the election. The people he is involved with have produced other credible information that is damaging to national Democratic figures in the past few years.

The operatives close to the Romney campaign believed the man’s story would be the ultimate October Surprise but they got nowhere. People who would have taken the information to the highest levels of Romney’s campaign just wouldn’t touch it. They don’t want their candidate smeared with this type of activity.”

So the dude might’ve dropped this not-so-scandalous information into Donald Trump’s lap and now Trump is planning to use it. But just like what a stick of dynamite did right before the picture above was taken, this October Surprise will blow up in his face. Calling Obama a cokehead will lead to Obama winning the coveted Lindsay Lohan vote, which will lead to him winning the entire election! Chop this election up into 3 neat lines and snort it up with Obama, because it’s done.

And I really hope that rogue hair on the left eventually got away from Trump’s head.

Defector Or Just Defective?

October 14, 2012 / Posted by:

You know when someone is spinning this crazy tale and you know it’s complete bullshit but it’s kind of entertaining watching them elaborate on their ridiculousness so you keep nodding and going “mmmmhmmm, WOW, oh really?” all the while thinking “and then roman candle balls shot out of your ass and spelled TRUTH in the sky? Interesting!” That’s the kind of slow dick pulling that is this latest from the Daily Mail.

Just like John Travolta is a sauna hating vagina aficionado without snap-on Lego hair, Tom Cruise is seriously considering cutting ties with his longest relationship, the CO$, to win back the hand of his lady love Katie Holmes and reunite their family according to this article from The Mail. Yes, the Mail is practically the gospel and would never lie tell, so we can all just accept this as fact and know that somewhere in the dimly lit and overly ornate underground $cientology headquarters, David Miscavige is clinging to a tear stained photo of him and his main ho Tom giving heil Hitleresque salutes in better days.

The article says that according to a source who won’t identify himself for fear of getting disappeared, Tom is becoming “disenchanted” with the church that has cost him wives, family and career. Well Tom, that would be a great epiphany if it actually happened, but I think it’s more like a crack head who blames everyone and everything else as they take another hit behind a filthy dumpster in a back alley instead of in their old comfy digs.

Although if he did actually leave skidmarks on the church as he sped away, maybe I could forgive him a little for the boring ass ball of YAWN that was their divorce. I mean, there we were in the middle of a gossip desert, dying of thirst and rubbing our hands together in anticipation of a long tall drink of clash of the Titans complete with spies, lies, cut brake lines, phone tapping and nightmarish truths coming to light, something that would make the Britney scandal look like a bedtime story, and he donned his highest lifts and pissed all over our dreams. WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN TOM. You owe us this.

Raven-Symone Is A Gayelle, So Says The National Enquirer

May 17, 2012 / Posted by:

Two world-renowned fuckery makers joined forces yesterday when Media Takeout reported that The National Enquirer is reporting that Bill Cosby’s granddaughter and brow-challenged Raven Symone is scissoring it up with AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion. The Enquirer says that the “That’s” in That’s So Raven stands for Raven having no fucks to give over her family freaking out about this. Raven is in love, doesn’t care if anybody knows she loves labia and is close to waving her flannel flag in the air. AzMarie has moved into the $11,000 a month apartment that Raven is staying in while she stars in Sister Act on Broadway. The source put it like this:

“She’s at a point now where she doesn’t care what her family thinks, and she’s in love with AzMarie. She’s a lesbian and wants to live that way. She feels her parents are still trying to treat her like she’s a kid, and she’s told them she’s going to do what she wants.

Raven has hidden being gay for a long time now.But about a year ago, she was introduced by a friend to AzMarie, who is absolutely gorgeous. The two began see­ing each other, and a few months ago, Raven finally got the nerve to ask her to move into her lavish Manhattan condo. When her family found out, they blew their stack and it’s created a gay scandal for Raven. She told her parents she loves them, but her home – especially her bedroom – is nobody’s business, and she was not going to back down, so they needed to accept it, period.”

A gay scandal is always the best kind of scandal. Who knows if this is true, but if it is then I’m into this couple. They’re like the lesbian Amber Rose and Kanye but 100% less annoying. AzMarie and Raven both know the importance of a perfect eyebrow situation and their couple name would be AzRave, which sounds like my kind of rave. (I mean, a rave full of adzes? Yes!) But I still won’t fully believe this until Raven comes zooming out of the closet on a Segway with AzMarie sitting in a Segway side car next to her.

The Golden Child Of A Million Halos Is Blinding Us With Her Greatness Today

January 8, 2012 / Posted by:

The sound of a South American surrogate screeching out the words “Poner la epidural en él!!!” (Note: Shit translation provided by Google) followed by the faint sound of velcro ripping off was heard around the air space of Lenox Hill in NYC last night when the rightful heir to the House of Derriere throne was born. Yes, that is the reason why your lacefront floated off of your head last night before quickly falling to the floor like it was bowing. It was paying homage to its new Yaki Savior!

The entire Internet prepared for the golden age after the likes or RiRi, Auntie Basement Baby and Russell Simmons Tweeted the birth of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s first child, a daughter. Beyonce and Jay-Z have kept their lips shut about this, because they like to confirm shit the real STUNT QUEEN way. You will really know that the golden child here is when Beyonce opens the Grammys next month by riding in on adorned camel (Jay-Z) and placing her daughter in a manger made of golden weaves as back-up dancers dressed like slutty farm animals do the Single Ladies dance around them.

As for the name, E! News has come up with Blue Ivy and UsWeekly says it’s Ivy Blue (cut to LeAnn Rimes in a bikini neighing out the words, “Did somebody say Bluuuuuuuu-ooooh-ooh?“. I know both of those names sound like the name of an Eastern European porn star who is trying to make it in the US, but it has REAL meaning! Beyonce and Jay-Z slobber all over the number 4. They were both born on the 4th and they were married on the 4th. IV = 4. (Sidenote: That surrogate is never going to surrogate in this town AGAIN, because bitch was supposed to push out Baby Blue Ivy on the 4th. BABY OVEN FAIL!)

And even though Beyonce and Jay-Z rented out the entire fourth floor of Lenox Hill, forced all employees to hand over their cell phones and taped over the security cameras to keep hos from getting a picture of the new Jesus, Dlisted managed to get an EXCLUSIVE first look at Blue Ivy:

No, no. Princess Blue Ivy will make her picture debut on the cover of a limited-edition version of the Bible. (The cover of People Magazine is for peons.) Check your local pew!

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